#in which donnie feels all the guilt and sads that everyone else won't

[spectrumscribe]

Invisible breaks, unspoken bruises.

@hotmilkytea​ for the idea, since i got it from your critical.

(this ended up being less comfort more hurt than I intended. whoops.)

Post Tokka vs the World: 

Seeing your friend nearly be vivisected leaves a mark, and nearly being vivisected definitely leaves a mark. Other things leave marks too, and Donnie is the only who seems to see that.

------------------------------

Donnie didn’t know why it was always him, but it was. Things like this always happened to him.

“Get out of my room,” Donnie said, glaring at both his brother and Casey, who were touching things that they shouldn’t and they knew it. “And hands off my encyclopaedias.”

Mikey and Casey both stopped touching the carefully organized volumes, which were arranged according to both date and language.

“What, no love for you bros?” Mikey asked in a sickly sweet voice, flopping onto Donnie’s bed. The bed that Donnie, for once, wanted to be in.

“No.” Donnie replied. “Get out.”

He was in no mood for this. He’d had a very long night of breaking into military buildings, avoiding being shot by said military, flying a type of space ship he was out of practice using, and almost being incinerated by a giant cosmic tortoise. He was very, very tired, and wanted to just shut down for a while, and not think about how he and his brothers likely destroyed whatever peace treaty the Utrom and the American Military had built. Or about how the world was probably still freaking out, seeing as there had been giant kaiju falling out of the sky, or about how his family had outed themselves to the military, who were only vaguely trustworthy at the best of times, and definitely trigger happy every other time, and how they’d very likely evoked their ire for the destruction they’d caused and painted bright, obvious targets right onto their own shells-

Donnie shut off that train of thought, and internally sighed.

Another night, another disaster. Another ordinary Friday outing, for them at least.

Donnie just really, really wanted to sleep. He’d deal with bumping up their defenses next evening.

Trouble was, he needed people out of his room first.

“We could have a movie marathon though,” Casey suggested, also flopping down beside Mikey. “You have, like-” He gestured at the collection of Planet Earth DVD’s Donnie had on his shelf. “-at least ten hours’ worth. Or something.”

“Eleven, actually,” Donnie corrected, mind automatically adding up the collective episodes’ time worth. He shook his head, and refocused. “But that doesn’t matter. You’re both getting out of my room, and I am going to sleep, for once, and neither of you are going to bother me while I do.”

“Aw, please, Dee?” Mikey asked.

“For real, the night’s still young!” Casey added.

“No, it is not,” Donnie said irritably, because he could see the early hour digits displayed on his alarm clock, and-

Wait, why were his brother and Casey so adamant on staying anyways? Or willing to put up with watching Planet Earth, instead of some blockbuster monster movie?

Donnie took a better look at his brother and his friend, looking past his first reactions of annoyance.

For starters, they both had significant bruising on various patches of skin. But that was normal, for their group at least. Everyone got bruises after a mission. Though, usually, Casey didn’t seem quite so wide eyed afterwards, and typically wore his bruises with pride. Now, though, he seemed to be hunching a bit on himself. Shoulders curled in a defensive set, a very out of character thing for his posture, post a successful mission.

And Mikey. Mikey had symmetrical bruising on either side of him. He’d brushed Donnie off earlier, much like Casey had, when they’d been doing physical checks on everyone. Called it no big deal. Though it didn’t seem like ‘no big deal’, seeing Mikey had a slightly- and pun not intended- shell-shocked quality to him. His knees were bouncing with energy he usually would have spent in battle, and he had a mildly desperate look to his expression, much as he was trying to hide with a charming smile.

Donnie closed his eyes, and pinched the space between his eyes. He sighed. “Okay. What is this really about? Neither of you like Planet Earth, or hanging around me when I watch it. Or like spending much time with me in general.”

“Does a guy need a reason to hang with one of his buds?” Casey asked, and now that Donnie was listening for it, he heard the false bravado in the human’s voice.

Donnie dropped his hand, and crossed his arms. He stared at them both, watching the cracks continue to appear in their expressions.

“Please?” Mikey asked, his forced cheer taking a further dive. “Can we stay just for a bit?”

A small part of Donnie, a very tired and rather sharp part of himself, wanted to say no. The rest of him however, was far too squishy and family oriented for him to even consider refusing. Not after that kind of emotional attack.

He looked at the two people sitting on his bed, and examined their bruises again. They hadn’t told him specifically what they were from, or how they’d gotten ones that matched. Casey’s might have been hidden now, but Donnie had seen them when he was changing out of his gear. Likely, the bruises they both had were what’d driven them to force their way into Donnie’s private space.

Donnie probably should have pushed harder for answers earlier. No time like the present to remedy that.

“Only if you explain why you want to stay so badly,” Donnie conceded, going over to his desk and pulling out his swivel chair to sit. Mikey and Casey exchanged glances, and Donnie watched them squirm. Interesting.

“Well, you see…” Mikey started, then trailing off as he glanced to the side and grimaced. “There was this thing, and then some guys, and…”

“Mike was gonna get vivisected,” Casey blurted, only for Mikey to elbow him and hiss for Casey to let him explain things.

Donnie’s eyes widened.

Well then. That explained some things.

“For real?” Donnie questioned. Because if that had been what really happened, and why they seemed so unsettled… Donnie could relate to those feelings.

Mikey shrugged, eyes aimed at his still bouncing knees. “Yeah. Sort of, I guess. They, uh, caught us like right away after you guys left, and then strapped us down and everything. Like right out of a movie, tables and lights and doctor guys- whole shebang.”

“They were gonna do it right beside me,” Casey said, looking a tinge queasy. “It was fucking sick, and not in a good way.”

Donnie took a moment to be very, very grateful that his brother was sitting across from him right then, and not in pieces in some government laboratory. Old nightmares of meeting a similar fate, and the memory of his unfortunate experience with a situation nearly the exact same, welled up in Donnie’s mind, and he understood. Understood why Mikey was so desperate to not be alone, and why Casey was hanging around long after he could have gone home to his human family.

Donnie, in the spare moments he did sleep these days, sometimes saw images that sounded like what Mikey had described. Reoccurring nightmares from childhood and onwards, surfacing again because of what Don Vizioso had attempted to do to him just a few weeks ago.

And to add to that experience, still having the crystal incident fresh in his mind, and his subconscious dreams, Donnie knew all too well that waking events could bring terrible images when one slept.

His brother and friend were watching him, waiting for Donnie’s response.

“I’m glad you’re both alright,” Donnie said truthfully. And he was, oh he very much was. He was also adding this to the pile of critiques he had for Leo’s ‘plans’ in battle. They’d nearly lost Mikey, and they hadn’t even known. “But why didn’t you tell us this earlier? That- that could have been really bad.”

‘Bad’ was a tame word. Disastrous, crushing, the tragedy that finally broke them all- take your pick. It could have been all those things.

They were both squirming again, in each their own manner. Casey’s fingers were tapping rapid pace on the comforter, and Mikey’s lip was being chewed into oblivion.

“We. Um.” Mikey, never short of words, seemed to struggle finding the right ones. “We thought they were gonna laugh at us for getting caught so easily.”

They.

Who were the ‘they’? Donnie didn’t even have to guess.

He repressed a sigh about their two other brothers, and pushed away the familiar pangs of frustration regarding them. It was really getting tiring, dealing with their condescending remarks towards Donnie and Mikey; mostly about their martial arts abilities. Casey was rarely a victim, but obviously, he was wary enough of mocking that he’d kept mum with Mikey.

Or maybe Mikey had asked him to keep things quiet, and he’d obliged. Donnie didn’t know which, and wasn’t planning on asking. That was between them. “And you came to me specifically, and told me about all this, because…?”

More squirming, and Mikey answered again after a beat of thought.

“I thought you’d be less…” He grimaced. “Mean? I guess?”

Casey mumbled an agreement, and Donnie felt very, very tired.

Why was nothing in their family straight forwards anymore? Mikey apparently couldn’t trust their older brothers not to mock him for almost dying, and Casey didn’t see Raph as a fit confident for nearly witnessing a friend’s slow death right before his eyes.

Donnie added another thing to his very, very long list of items to discuss with his brothers, one day. Also to the list of ‘things our father isn’t trusted with’, seeing as Mikey hadn’t even brought up the idea of talking to Splinter.

Donnie just wanted to sleep.

It didn’t look like he’d get to.

“How long, exactly, did you want to stay in my room?” Donnie asked wearily, feeling much older than he wanted to. From the awkward grimaces Casey and Mikey made, Donnie figured just a few hours wouldn’t be enough. He sighed. “Fine. All day it is. Someone go get the spare mattress, I’m not letting you two get my sheets dirty.”

He huffed at the thankful smile Mikey gave him, and at the half hidden gratitude on Casey’s face.

What a mess they all were, really.

A few minutes later, after rearranging his bedroom and letting Mikey haul out all their spare bed accessories, there was a twin sized mattress on the floor, decked with more pillows and blankets than they could ever use.

It made for a comfy pile, though. Supportive of both Casey’s back and Mikey’s shell alike. Donnie took the liberty of helping himself to the supply of soft items, and stacked up his own sleeping space. Once they were all arranged, Mikey closest to Donnie’s bed and Casey on the far side, Donnie turned on the old flat-screen TV he’d mounted to his wall a few years ago. At least in his room, he was able to afford luxuries that wouldn’t get broken by wayward destruction from his brothers.

He’d loaded Planet Earth’s first disc into the player, and turned the volume down as it started playing. Maybe it wasn’t the most interesting thing to his guests, but neither of them argued as the smooth British narrator started speaking.

Donnie’s earlier exhaustion remained, but now he couldn’t sleep. Not with images of Mikey being chopped into pieces flashing across his mind. And he hadn’t even known that nearly happened. Mikey could have been long past help, drained of blood and ready to be packaged up for further examinations, by the time Donnie knew. If not for Casey, and Bishop, as they’d told him, Donnie could have been short a brother tonight.

The thought terrified him much deeper than his own brush with vivisection had. Donnie wondered vaguely if Mondo had felt as strongly about the situation as he had. The gecko wasn’t nearly as old as the rest of them, in age and experience both, and that had likely been his first time experiencing danger of that type. And Donnie still hadn’t found time to call the Mutanimals for a check up on the younger mutant.

He added that to another one of his many lists. Something he needed to do, likely the moment he woke next evening. If he woke at all, seeing as sleep wasn’t going to come easy.

The fifth episode started to play on screen, and Donnie shifted his eyes to his brother and friend on the floor. Casey had wrapped himself around a number of pillows, bandana off for the day and hair tangled up as he’d buried himself into the pile. He’d texted his family before finally passing out, and didn’t seem like he was going anywhere for a good while.

Mikey on the other hand, had his brow furrowed, and was tensed up head to toe. No sound was escaping him, but Donnie saw the slightest twitch to his hands. Even in sleep, ninjutsu and survival training ran deep. Make no sounds, have your weapon at the ready. Always, no matter what.

Mikey’s hands spasmed, and he tightly gripped the blanket closest to him. From the way he was curled around his center, Donnie guessed what was haunting his dreams at the moment. It wasn’t hard, seeing as he’d had similar dreams many times before.

Donnie leaned over the edge of his mattress, and reached out to run a hand across Mikey’s skull. He minded the dark bruise on the back of Mikey’s cranium, and tried not to think of Mikey trashing in restraints, desperate to get away.

Or, think about the other bruise, right beside Mikey’s eye. That one wasn’t from the restraints. That had been from Raph, and inflicted right in front of Donnie. And he’d done nothing to stop it, as usual. And then he’d left Mikey right afterwards, both him and Casey abandoned to face a whole building’s worth of security all on their own.

And no one had even stopped to wonder about them again until after Tokka had left. Just a phone call after everything was said and done, from Donnie, because Leo and Raph hadn’t even made a move to check on their missing teammates. And Mikey had answered brightly and replied that they were fine, totally fine!

Donnie was sure Raph hadn’t apologized for hitting Mikey, and Leo hadn’t apologized for stationing them somewhere he should have known they’d get caught. And Donnie hadn’t pushed them to.

Donnie brushed the edge of Mikey’s black eye, and added another few regrets to his lists.

There were a lot of things Donnie should have done tonight. A lot of things he was putting on his lists to remind himself not to do them again.

Mikey’s hands spasmed again, a grimace crossing his expression and Donnie stopped touching the tender spot by his eye.

“Shhh, Mikey,” Donnie whispered, moving his hand up and rubbing a circle on Mikey’s temple. “You’re at home, you’re not there. Go back to sleep.”

It took another few minutes, during which Mikey’s eyes opened blearily and sightlessly, before closing again, and Donnie’s brother finally stopped tensing himself for a fight. His breathing evened out, and he stopped curling so tightly on himself.

Donnie lifted his hand away, and looked again at his brother. The bruises were starting to fade on the edges already, but it would be a while before the sickly discoloration disappeared completely. It would sit there, plain on Mikey’s exposed scales, and remind Donnie how very close he’d come to losing someone in his family. Again.

And, remind him of how there were cracks in their relationships. Cracks that had been widening with time and strain, that hadn’t been attended to at all. No apology for their creation, and no closure to the events that caused them.

A sudden noise caught Donnie attention, and he moved his eyes to the other person beside his brother. Casey made an angry, muffled sound in his sleep, and his legs thrashed for a brief moment. Then he settled again, turning deeper into the pillows he was clutching.

Donnie waited to see if Casey would do anything else, but a soft snore signified it wasn’t likely. With the two of his guests settled again, Donnie moved back onto his bed properly, and lay against the pillows he’d accumulated.

The sounds of British narration, and of distant wildlife ecosystems, filled the gaps left by Mikey and Casey’s gentle inhalations. Donnie tried to use the steady flow of both sounds to lull himself into sleep. Even though a weight had settled in his chest, and made the prospect of rest feel very unlikely.

He could think deeper on the horrors of tonight, of the last years, and of the future, come the next evening. He’d do his best to not think at all for a while, and sleep for however long he could. He’d sleep lightly though, listening for further distress from his guests.

He’d forgotten to watch out for them once already, failed to be there when they needed him, and he wouldn’t do that again.

Donnie closed his eyes, and did his best to sleep, even with his lingering thoughts weighing on his mind.

[verobatto]

The Answer is in Dean

Time to run on the Empty

Destiel meta. 15x19 meta. Meta spec.

How are you my friends??

Some of you might be very mad, but I can tell, don't lose hopes because CAS WILL BE RESCUED BY DEAN IN NEXT EPISODE.

So now relax, and read my rants, you'll feel better after this. I promise.

Mourning!Dean

Dean's voice shaking while explaining how Cas saved him, and then saying 'I'm sorry' to Jack, was one of the most saddest scenes I've seen. Because I know how Dean was feeling, he was feeling he failed to the kid by losing Castiel, and because they lost him for saving him.

Gif credit @dreamnovak

We already know this fellow each time he lose Cas. But this time, it hurst even more.

The Guilt, again, this time mixed with the huge pain and regrets in his soul.

There was a fallen Bicycle in the ground, color blue, as a representation of indirect Castiel.

As we saw, Dean was thinking about Castiel the whole time. When they gave up to Chuck, the first thing he asked for was to bring Cas back. Is like going into that whirlwind of loosing the love of his life all over again.

But Chuck won't let him, why? Because he wanted to watch them suffer, feeling the despair and loneliness and sadness for the eternity, and i will explain in the next meta how this represents Chuck himself.

Another hard scene was watching Dean on the floor, passed out because of alcohol. The only way our poor boy can conciliate sleeping, was through alcohol. And he wasn't even in his room. He was somewhere in the bunker, depressed and passed out.

Castiel, the Miracle

As I pointed so many times, Cas is a miracle. Dean said it when he made Donnie coming back to life in the hospital in season 14 and then a woman called him that when he healed his son in the woods in 15x06.

In season 12 Castiel was called roughly as the Winchester's dog, but Dean reworded that in season 13, when Scooby Doo was a cute mirror of Cas for Dean. He adores that dog.

So, Dean decides to call that dog MIRACLE, because it represented HOPES, just what Cas means to him. He even said to this dog: MAYBE YOU CAN SLEEP IN HIS ROOM. Which was like a consolation. Dean is so sad....

But the dog disappears and then, thanks to Jack, comes back. Miracle comes back. Is a foreshadow of Castiel coming back.

Lucifer Call was the last mocking to Destiel

The fake call from Castiel, was a mocking game from Lucifer, again, the devil making jokes about Destiel, but mostly, about Dean mourning Castiel.

Dean's face when he thought it was really Cas the one calling him, broke me. He was this slightly moment of hopes in his face, i wanted to die. Damn...

The answer is in Dean

Okay, i know everyone was screaming because Jack didn't bring Cas back, BUT BUT. What Jack said, it has a lot of Destiel sense, because it will complete Dean's arc.

If Jack would brought Cas back with one snap, would be easy, and Dean wouldn't be able to say the words he has to say to him.

But, taking what Jack said THE ANSWERS ARE IN EACH ONE. IS JUST PERFECT.

Why? Because if Dean wants his angel back, he will have to find the answer inside of him. Which answer do you say? The I LOVE YOU BACK answer to Castiel. Using his words to express the amount of years loving him in silence, or secretly, or repressing it, because he just thought he couldn't have him as a lover.

Is perfectly poetic and philosophical, and it will close the Healing!Dean's arc.

Because when Dean faced Chuck and said HE WASN'T WHAT CHUCK WROTE, which means HE IS KOT A KILLER, is because Castiel's words are still resonating in his head. Because CASTIEL CHANGED HIM, FOREVER.

Keep you love alive

Now, pay attention to this... Because this is the song that was playing at the end of the episode...

Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels

Looking back at the years gone by like so many summer fields

In sixty-five I was seventeen and running up one-oh-one

I don't know where I'm running now, I'm just running on

Despite of the smiles on their faces, this lyrics here is very angsty, 'I'm just running.' Dean is just running without knowing where to go.

Running on, running on empty

Running on, running blind

Running on, running into the sun

But I'm running behind

Okay people, if this is not talking about Dean getting inside the Empty to rescue Castiel, idk what else. It says RUNNING ON EMPTY. The Empty!!!! RUNNING BLIND because is dark, and he can't see Cas. RUNNING INTO THE SUN!!!!! @weird-dorky-little-deana CASTIEL IS THE SUN!!!! BUT I'M RUNNING BEHIND, it speaks about how hard will be fine him, maybe. I'm screaming.

Gotta do what you can just to keep your love alive

Trying not to confuse it with what you do to survive

In sixty-nine I was twenty-one and I called the road my own

I don't know when that road turned, into the road I'm on

To keep your love alive!!!!!!!!! OMG, i can't. To keep Cas, his love, alive!

Everyone I know, everywhere I go

People need some reason to believe

I don't know about anyone but me

If it takes all night, that'll be all right

If I can get you to smile before I leave

Dean feels it doesn't matter how long it would take him to bring Cas back, but he will!

Honey you really tempt me

You know the way you look so kind

OMG this is Castiel's love confession, Dean is tempted by him hdjxdjfkfkfj. Sorry.

I'd love to stick around but I'm running behind

You know I don't even know what I'm hoping to find

Running into the sun but I'm running behind

People, have faith, Cas is coming back because this hunter won't let him go so easily.

The answer is inside of Dean, he has those words to say to Cas, he has to say I Love You to him. And that's the very ending of this show. The perfect closing arc for Dean. If Cas saved him once from Hell, is time for him to save him from the Empty. So, to bring him back, Dean will have to say tht answer that was inside of him this whole time.

Miscellaneous spec: i heard Jack saying: Amara was inside of him and they were in harmony, and I'm sorry, but i took that as another clue for my vessel sharing Destiel endgame spec. Just saying.

To Conclude

Why do I stick to Destiel happy ending? Because if this was the ending of season 15 as Jensen said, the ending for the whole show is waiting for us. I hope we will be able to see our angel again, for sure, and not just him, but more of our lovely characters. Even Eileen.

There was a lot of clues in this episode that foreshadowed Castiel's return. So wait for it.

Tagging @gneisscastiel @emblue-sparks @magnificent-winged-beast @weird-dorky-little-deana @michyribeiro @maleansu @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @mybonsai1976 @anarchiana @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @feathered-castiel @bre95611 @zoerayne2426 @justmeand-myinsight @that-one-fandom-chick @proccastinate @studio-hatter @pepevons @poorreputation @mrsaquaman187 @dizzypinwheel @jawnlockwinchester @dwstiel @ladygon @shippsblog @la-random-fangirl @lets-try-this-again-please @mychemicalobsession514 @destiel-shipper-11

@asphodelesauvage @2musiclover2

Buenos Aires, November 12 2020, 11:57 PM