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salt-warrior · 3 years ago

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RISE FROM THE ASHES

A When Earth Turns to Ashes sequel

Masterlist

Chapter Fifteen: The Strength to Stay Away

Cinder ran, legs pumping, hands grasping the walls when she stumbled. She raced down the stairs of her apartment building and out into the frozen air. Her feet carried her all the way to her car before she collapsed, tears streaming down her face, ice filling her lungs as she gasped.

She sat upon the icy ground, unable to feel the moisture seeping into her skin or the cold numbing her body. The sky had faded to a bleak purple, with a burning horizon of orange and red and gold. It was night, and it was cold. But the cold came not from the atmosphere nor the sky— no, it was the soul-crushing feeling that resided within her. The ache that spoke words she didn’t want to hear. The knowledge that her brief happiness had come to an end. From this point on, she would be on her own. She couldn’t allow herself to find new friends, a new love, if that were possible. And she sure as hell wouldn’t seek out Cress or Iko or even Thorne.

And Kai— she would try to bury him in the depths of her mind. He wouldn’t be the first to enter her mental graveyard, tucked away forever. But hopefully he would be the last. Perhaps she could live out the rest of her days thinking of no one, living as if she were the only soul upon the planet. It would be lonely, but it would hurt less than the agony of losing another loved one.

With shaking fingers, Cinder slid her car key into the lock, twisting until she heard a faint click. On hands and knees, she climbed into the car, ignoring the ache in her bones and the tears upon her face. She started the engine and, without another thought, drove away.

Her headlights were the only light in the dark, like a distant star, wandering in search of companionship, but finding none. She didn’t know where she was going, only that it had to be away from Kai— as far as she could possibly go. Her gut twisted.

Cinder started to cry— to really cry. Not just the tears that had already been tracing down her cheeks, but full-on sobs. She wailed into the night to release all the sorrow of her soul. But her despair was a hydra; the more she fought it, the harder she tried to kill it, the more powerful it grew.

She pulled the car over to the shoulder of the road and turned off the car. She could no longer see the dark and the blackening sunset. The road was a concept her brain could not manage to grasp as her mind replayed the horror she’d undergone but minutes ago.

There was fire, and there was Kai. She could see it— and it was that she could see. The flames as they cascaded down, as if from heaven itself. The way they backlit Kai, turning his hair to amber and eyes to gold. And then there were his screams.

She couldn’t stop hearing them. They echoed in her head, trapped there forever. His screams, though not prolonged, would be her eternity. If there was a Hell or an Underworld or some eternal damnation after this life, his screams would be her punishment. They would destroy her.

His words to her after the fire had been put out were mere whispers of the wind by comparison to the roaring river of his screams. His pleas for her to stay had hardly registered in her brain above the horror in her heart. His hands reaching out, trying to touch her, to comfort her, were mere wisps of smoke to the fire raging within her mind.

She had pleaded with him. She’d begged him to let her go, just as he had begged her to stay. And behind the smoke and swirling flames, she could see his face when she’d put in her final request— her final words to him.

“You have to let me go.”

“I can’t.”

She knew he meant it, but it didn’t stop her from hoping. Because he had to let her go— he just had to.

“Kai,” Cinder cried, his name her only comfort now that he was gone from her. She swiped at the tears on her face and rubbed her nose on the sleeve of her sweatshirt. Kai’s sweatshirt. The gray one that he loved so much. For a moment, she felt sad that she had taken it from him, and then the slightest bit comforted that she had something of his. Almost as if he were hugging her.

She pulled the collar of the hoodie up to her nose and tried to breathe in his scent. It was hard to latch onto, but there all the same. Soft and sweet and familiar.

Cinder thought back to just weeks before when she had feared that she was losing Kai. Back when his days of melancholy and grief had been the most terrifying thing in her life. When the idea of leaving him had cut her to her core. She had feared him leaving more than anything else, and now here she was, abandoning him.

“Is that why you leave everyone? Because that’s the only way you know how to love?”

His words should have hurt more than they did. He’d meant them to. He’d tried to get a rise out of her— attempted to get her to stay. He’d given it his all, but she’d known it would come down to this. She only regretted not leaving sooner. If she’d run away at the library, Kai wouldn’t have gotten hurt.

No, if she’d left then, she would have come back. Kai’s screams would haunt her forever, but at least they would give her the strength to stay away.

A calm came over her then, causing her tears to cease and the turmoil within her to quiet. It was a calm born not out of peace, but of reflection. Throughout the entirety of her life, her mother had protected her. In a way that caused more harm than good, yes. But she’d protected her in her own sick way. She’d taken love from Cinder’s life. But perhaps it had been for a reason.

Maybe Cinder’s mother hadn’t been the problem after all. Maybe it was Cinder. Her mother had killed the people she loved before Cinder could grow properly attached. It had hurt, but it had not ached as it did now. It had torn at Cinder’s heart to know that her mother had killed Ran and Peony, but the idea of her own flames killing Kai— that was worse.

Her mother had sworn to protect her; but was she protecting Cinder from others, or herself? Was it possible that Cinder was the demon?

Cinder stared down at her hands, one marred by burn scars, both tinted blue with cold. She remembered the way in which the flames had come as she left Kai— almost as if by command. She’d wanted to be left alone; she’d wanted for him to let her go. And then there was that flash of light.

“No,” Cinder whispered, rubbing her hands into her eyes. It wasn’t possible. This wasn’t a world in which people had powers of fire. Her world may have been encapsulated with ghosts, but supernatural abilities of the living was not an element of that world. She was just an ordinary girl.

Well, not ordinary, but she wasn’t the supernatural being here. It had to be her mother. Her mother, the ghost, who was tied to Cinder’s own life.

But then why hadn’t she come in the last year? When Cinder had loved more than ever before and been loved in return? At least three people should have been dead if Cinder’s mother were still around.

And Cinder’s mother had always been a distinct being. She had a form, a face. She was almost a living thing. But this thing— this ball of fire— it wasn’t her mother.

It was like her mother.

Cinder let out a gasp as everything fell into place. The fear. The fire. The stories. Kai. It all made sense. They’d been wrong all along. They’d been wrong about everything.

A ball of fire wisped to life next to the driver’s side window, and Cinder jumped into the passenger’s seat, fear coursing through her veins. A string of expletives escaped her mouth in the most horrendous way she could muster.

She watched as the ball of conflagration drifted past her, as if it had somewhere to be. Someone to meet. It moved with ease, even as snow began to tumble from the darkened sky. She didn't know where it was going, but she knew what it was trying to tell her.

So with shaking hands and a trembling heart, Cinder slid back into the driver's seat, turned on her car, and followed the flames that led her toward certain doom.

***

Kai stared at the closed door, the fear coursing through his veins more powerful than the logic trying to leak through his brain. He knew he should have been doing something, but he couldn’t quite figure out what. All he could see were the flames cascading before his eyes. Even in their absence, he could still feel their flickering breath, almost as if they were laughing at him.

The door stood before him as it always had. The wood was dark, showing beneath a chipping layer of evergreen paint. He’d been planning on repainting it a bright red— his favorite color— as soon as he found the time. Now he wondered where all the time had gone.

His life had always been a broken clock, one that was too fast, leaving him always scrambling behind. He hadn’t had enough time with his mother. No, she had left him while he was still a child. And his father, well, he had abandoned Kai with a suddenness that to this day still caused his chest to ache. Time had never been in Kai’s favor, at least not where love was concerned.

As he sat on the floor, time ticked on, counting off the seconds from which Kai had watched his love disappear. The love of his life, his Angel of Hell, the girl who had been so much more than a girl. She was gone.

And Kai couldn’t bring her back.

He got to his feet and opened the door with the wrong-colored paint. He glanced behind the door, as if his lover would be there, waiting for him. As if she hadn’t actually forsaken him, but was rather beckoning for him to follow.

She wasn’t there.

And when Kai walked down the stairs and into the parking lot, she wasn’t there either. She was gone. A girl never to be seen again.

It was then that Kai began to panic. He felt it first in his chest, that tightening that restricted the beating of his heart and the breaths allowed to escape his being. It felt like the world was caving in. He sunk down on the steps, head in his hands as tears began to stream down his face. The sun was just going down, lighting the purple sky with streaks of orange and gold, as if it too were crying.

Cars passed on the road, all going somewhere. Perhaps home to people who loved them, and would wrap their arms around them when they walked through the door. The thought made Kai’s melancholy heart droop with a wave of agony.

He pulled out his phone to call the only person who he knew could help him— the only one who would always be there.

Tags: @shellyseashell @cinderswrench @healing-winston-pratt @just2bubbly @silverstars21 @gingerale2017 @greasicookies @the-wee-woo-rita @zephyr-thedragon @bookpapaya @cindersassasin @the-jewel-of-ketterdam

#when earth turns to ashes #rise from the ashes #marissa meyer #tlc #the lunar chronicles #lunar chronicles #kaider #kaider fanfiction #tlc fanfiction #linh cinder #selene blackburn #prince kai #emperor kai #carswell thorne #cress darnel #emperor rikan #channary blackburn #a burning world #salt warrior stories

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goldenkamuyhunting · 4 years ago

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Ramblings and crazy theory time about GK chap 266 “Pinky Finger Bones”

So... with this chapter we begin digging into what happened in the past. Into what happened to Wilk... but also into what happened to Tsurumi.

He clearly stared into the abyss and the abyss stared back at him... but what’s worse is that Tsurumi became much more scary than the abyss itself.

By the way you might notice a resemblance with the quote “He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.” [‘Beyond Good and Evil’ Friedrich Nietzsche] which loosely means “When you confront evil, make sure it doesn’t influence you.”

Well, it’s clear Tsurumi not only let himself influence, he sadly became worse than the ‘monster’ he was fighting.

But let’s go with order.

The cover… is more like part of a flashback scene.

It shows Tsurumi and Tsukishima in Vladivostok, in 1897. Therefore we’re at the point in which Tsukishima was released from jail and was working as an intelligence officer with Tsurumi in Russia.

They are shown alone, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they went there alone, as Tsurumi could have other men with himself, to create a spy network. Or not.

We’ll find out only if it’s relevant to the plot so, for now, I’ll let it on hold.

Anyway Tsurumi and Tsukishima talk of how, since Vladivostok is the only Russian port that doesn’t freeze and can be used all year round, it’s a strategically vital point for Russia but also for Japan. Central had made appoint to let Tsurumi know they need to conquer it if they go at war with Russia.

At that point a Russian man spot Tsukishima and starts asking him if he is Japanese and knows a man named Hasegawa who disappeared without a trace 6 years ago.

As Tsukishima struggles to understand what he says (he’s clearly not well versed in Russian yet) the man talks about the bodies of Hasegawa’s wife and daughter, but we don’t get to hear what he says about them.

Tsukishima turns to discover Tsurumi has disappeared and, searching him, he finds him in front of Hasegawa’s burned photo studio.

Tsurumi’s expression, which Tsukishima can’t see, is interesting. His eyes are shadowed by the brim of his hat (while Tsukishima aren’t) and his eyes are stretched thin, many stress lines under them.

He’s probably lost in painful memories, which are likely now wrapped by the hate he feels for who caused his tragedy.

When Tsukishima reads on the sign ‘Hasegawa photo studio’, he realizes it’s the name the Russian was talking about. I’ll be honest, the coincidence is a little too forced. I mean, to have a random Russian guy asks to a random Japanese (let’s remember Vladivostok HAD a Japanese district so Japanese people is not that impossible to spot there) if they knew Hasegawa who disappeared 6 years ago and, COINCIDENTALLY, this Japanese is with the guy who, in the past, was Hasegawa, a guy who apparently doesn’t hear the question and marches straight to Hasegawa photo studio (they weren’t that close, Tsukishima lost sight of Tsurumi and had to search for him) so that Tsukishima can connect some dots back then and a lot more in the present is... well, way too providential.

It would be different if that Russian had a reason to check all the Japanese he were to spot and had done so for 6 years but no reason is given. We aren’t told he was Fina’s relative (Fina has a family to whom she was supposed to return the day she died)... and therefore pretty invested in the tragedy and it’s clear he’s not part of the secret police or he wouldn’t give Tsukishima random details. Tsukishima isn’t even standing near Hasegawa’s house at the time he was questioned, so it was possible to speculate they knew each other.

That guy who spoke with Tsukishima was just a Russian who woke up that morning and decided, spotting some Japanese, to ask him about a guy who disappeared 6 years ago for... no apparent reason beyond plot convenience.

But okay, let’s go on.

We’ve left Tsukishima connecting the photo studio with the guy the Russian mentioned, relying to Tsurumi the Russian guy mentioned ‘something’ about that man’s wife and daughter.

At this point I wonder if there’s a reason why we aren’t told what that something is. I would think that the fact that their bodies got burned up in the fire wasn’t something to discuss or wonder about but maybe... there’s more?

I don’t know.

Anyway Tsukishima wonders if Tsurumi knew Hasegawa, which really, seems logical enough as Tsurumi came there to watch his burned shop and Tsurumi denies it, saying there’s plenty of Japanese people in Vladivostok (which again make weird how the Russian guy asked them if they knew about Hasegawa). Tsurumi then claims Hasegawa should have been odd for wanting to open a shop away from the Japanese district, his eyes hidden by the brim of his hat and I facepalm here because he’s basically lampshading that Hasegawa had to be a spy for wanting to do so...

which seems uncharacteristically careless from him... unless he wanted Tsukishima to actually question him further... to push him to talk because maybe he too needed to talk but couldn’t... but Tsukishima is evidently ignorant in spy matters so he doesn’t get the hint.

He doesn’t lot go though, as Tsukishima remembers Hasegawa was Tsurumi’s mother’s maiden name, whom he noticed when Tsurumi went to pay his respect to her grave.

Tsurumi compliments for Tsukishima’s good memory and deflects Tsukishima’s suspicions saying it’s a common name in Niigata.

So we’ve some info about Tsurumi to ponder about, like how his mother is dead and how he was an Hasegawa so there’s to wonder if he was related to the ‘Hasegawa senior’ which whom he supposedly came in Russia as a teenager.

Was the guy his father using his mother’s maiden name? Or a maternal uncle? Can it be there was originally an Hasegawa Koichi and Tsurumi and him swapped (swapping identity with someone was a common spy technique)? If that’s the case was Kouichi a cousin of Tsurumi?

Or the guy never existed and it’s just a cover story? Hard to say, interesting to speculate.

Anyway we jump back to the present and to Tsukishima, a vein popping on his check, connecting the dots and realizing ‘that Hasegawa’ was actually Tsurumi.

Tsurumi then goes and says that 50 years ago some of the more extremist Ainu gathered up a great quantity of gold dust and were planning something... and here I pause again.

So, does this mean whose extremists did take a part of the hidden gold? Or that they were the gold’s guardians, aware of where it was hidden?

If it happened 50 years ago, unless the gold was stolen by the hideout, this means the extremists were the same guys who knew about the hideout. So, Ariko’s father could have been one of them as well as Asirpa’s grandfather (my bet is he’s the one who knew where the gold was).

Anyway the Ainu’s plan in order to fight the shogunate was to get a captain of the imperial Russian navy to divert Russian warships, munitions and such to them... and I think Tsurumi is exaggerating matters a bit because it’s really not enough to own warships, you also need men to drive them and I’m not sure how many Ainu there were who could do it but whatever, maybe back then was easier to pilot warships and use them to go to battle... but still, I kind of feel it would be complicate for him to ‘smuggle out’ Russian warships... I mean they aren’t exactly of the size you might ‘lose track of them’.

Going on.

To explain why the Russian captain would be willing to do so, Tsurumi says it’s common among soldiers who’re stationed far from central command to do as they prefer, which is something Tsurumi is intimately familiar with as he’s doing the same in Hokkaido.

However everything ended when the ship on which was the Russian captain crashed into a passenger ship in what’s called the “Russian warship Kalevala incident” of 1867 (which is completely fictional as no such thing happened in the real world) in which both ships sunk carrying everyone on board with them.

Timeline wise 1867 is also the year in which there’s the restoration of the imperial rule, with the Boshin war starting in 1868.

According to Tsurumi, since the Ainu lost the Russian captain willing to sell them weapons they should have felt at total loss about what to do with the gold.

Tsurumi then claims Wilk came in Hokkaido to search for that gold so that this was the start of everything that happened afterward.

Asirpa asks Sofia if this means it was Tsurumi the one who taught Wilk, Kiro and Sofia Japanese.

We can’t see Sofia’s face, as she’s holding her head down, but she’s sweating and panting, thinking back to when she held little Olga.

Clearly that incident of which she felt responsible still weight a lot on her, like an open wound that never healed... which in a way makes her similar to Tsurumi. Tsurumi though is trying to get revenge for that incident... while Sofia is trying to make up for it.

She then notices that Tsurumi has moved really close to her, his hand still holding the finger bones of Old and Fina, rubbing them.

We can see Tsurumi’s head is inclined on a side, in a way that reminds me of how Usami looked at the dead horse... although Usami was tilting his head on the opposite side.

In normal body language, tilting the head on a side indicates sincere interest and curiosity... and it can fit both situations too... only Noda also makes it creepy, as if both Usami and Tsurumi were interested yet completely detached, as if they were watching something alien to them, the angle being just a little bit too much to feel natural.

Tsurumi then goes on claiming that, on the day his wife and child died, he was the only one the secret police was after and if Fina hadn’t picked up Wilk’s wanted poster she wouldn’t have come back. Tsurumi through tried to date the blame to even sooner, claiming that if Wilk and co had never gone to his photo studio, his wife and child might not have been killed.

Sofia’s eyes are locked on Tsurumi’s hand rubbing that finger bone, as if she were hypnotized... and I’ll repeat what I said before.

Sofia has spent all those years after the death of Fina and Olga trying to make amends. As she believes her cause will bring benefit to the Russian people (and therefore to people like Sofia and Olga), she continued to fight for it, giving up on Wilk, the man she loved and on ‘happiness as a woman’ all to fight for her cause and atone for that innocent lives who died that day.

Of course meeting Hasegawa again and being blamed fully for those deaths is a big blow to her, it’s the trauma, the sin, she never overcome but tried to by doing something constructive, something she believed would be positive for the others.

It’s worth to remember Sofia came from aristocracy, she didn’t need a better Russia to live an easy life, she could have just continued being a pampered princess and instead she devoted herself to improving her country.

We can argue the methods she chose might not be the best, and how they put in danger innocent people, but the aim is selfless.

On the other end we’ve Tsurumi, whose family fell in disgrace... likely short after the Meiji restoration and possibly due to it.

He went in Russia as a spy probably in an attempt to prove himself and improve his and his family’s life, likely married in order to have a cover but ended up falling in love with Fina and he clearly adored his daughter, Olga.

Still he continued his job as a spy even if that put in danger his own beloved family, he continued teaching Japanese to Wilk and Co even if he knew they were partisans and, ultimately, for some reasons, he get discovered by the secret police.

Somehow he finds out they’re coming from him so, instead than denouncing himself, he sends away Fina and Olga without explaining Fina nothing.

Even if she promised not to, Fina could have gone back for other reasons, it was coincidence it was just because she saw the wanted poster.

When Wilk and Co shows up at Tsurumi’s house HE LET THEM IN, before telling them they can’t come anymore. He could have denied them entrance and send them away, he could have told them he was a wanted man and the secret police was about to jump on him but no, he let them in.

When the secret police arrives he doesn’t just hand himself to them but stop to talk with them at the door, knowing inside he has three revolutionaries who will realize the police is circling the house and that will feel threatened. When they start attacking the police he doesn’t tell them the truth but let them discover it from the Russian policeman and then he hands them a machine gun so that they can fight the police.

Tsurumi was an ACTIVE cause of the incident as much as Wilk and Co if not MORE because he has something to lose and that he was exposing to risk, Fina and Olga.

Yet now he’s shifting all the blame to Wilk’s party, trying to use Sofia’s sense of guilt to get leverage on her and force her to be cooperative so that he could get the gold and get revenge over Central.

Now... I’m positive that Tsurumi suffered A LOT for the death of Fina and Olga, that it was traumatic for him... but while Sofia is trying to make up for it, Tsurumi is just trying to take revenge, trying to frame the death of his beloved ones as something that has a meaning because it becomes an helpful step in his climbing to get the gold and the control of Hokkaido.

In fact, and I’ll flash forward a bit, Tsurumi wants to know what purpose his wife and daughter served in the world, claiming they died because of Wilk and Co and therefore they should give him some sort of compensation.

In this way he uses his own loss to extort information from Sofia so that he could accomplish his goal.

Mind you, all this is a way to cope with pain that’s similar to Sekiya’s, who wanted to know why his daughter had to die, but, differently from Sekiya who was completely blameless for his child’s death, which was merely an incident he had no control over, Tsurumi was also actively to blame for his wife and child’s death and he’s trying to cope with his pain by shifting the blame on others and by trying to turn those deaths into meaningful steps on the way to his original goal, improving his own life.

Ironically, as he loved Fina and Olga, it’s unlikely reaching his original goal will bring him solace, it’s another copying mechanism to excuse himself, if he can justify his wrongdoing to them as a necessary step on the way to his goal, he believes he will feel better... which is clearly a lie. This is not the way to cope with such a traumatic event but it’s a common mistake, an attempt to dim the pain by not coping with how he’s responsible for his own loss.

I pity him for how terrible his pain should be... but there’s no turning around how his way to cope with it IS terrible in any possible way.

But let’s go back a little to Tsukishima and Koito who’re eavesdropping on the conversation.

Tsukishima remembers how, during the war they tried getting control of Vladivostok... and how Tsurumi told him they should expand the territory for Japan’s sake and that they should make certain that their comrades were sleeping in Japanese soil. Now though he (and Koito if his white irises and vein popping are to be taken as a hint) is pissed off because he fears Tsurumi’s goal is just his own personal way of mourning his wife and daughter...

...and I facepalm again. Hard.

Now, okay, Koito can be pissed off, he made clear he uphold certain values and that he believed Tsurumi was doing it for a selfless reason only, the well being of his own soldiers, plus he had never experienced being poor so he can’t understand why people would want to be rich. He’s young, he was used and lied at but still wanted to trust Tsurumi to be more noble than he was so okay, he can be angry.

Tsukishima though was okay with tailing after Tsurumi even when he didn’t know which is true goal was...

...even when he believed Tsurumi might not have a true goal...

...just because he wanted to believe what Tsurumi was doing would benefit the ones following him... and now he is upset because Tsurumi had a goal... but one that was beneficial to Tsurumi? How was Tsurumi not having a goal better?

And how this change the game, really?

If Tsurumi’s actions were genuinely better for the men in the 7th, they remain beneficial regardless of Tsurumi’s ultimate goal, which isn’t meant to harm them, after all.

And just because Tsukishima decided to sacrifice his love story with Igogusa (which, Tsurumi’s lies or not, was something Tsukishima decided on his own)... well, this doesn’t mean everyone has to do the same as him.

But whatever, as anticipated before, Tsurumi used Sofia’s sense of guilt to ask her to tell him and Asirpa what happened in Hokkaido. He’s clearly talking about the Nopperabou incident and he explains he believes Sofia should know about it due to the letters she got from Kiroranke.

Well, the good thing in all this is that, if Tsurumi is asking her about the incident, this seems to hint that, as I speculated, he doesn’t know exactly what happened (unless he’s sure Kiro had false info which he relied her... but I doubt that’s the case).

In his anger, Tsukishima fails to understand that asking Sofia about what happened in the Nopperabou incident might:

- give Tsurumi clues about where the gold was (the incident took place when the Ainu moved the gold)

- tell him if there’s more people involved who could try to get into Tsurumi’s way

- make Asirpa feel guilty for the dead Ainu and more prone to help Tsurumi,

All this of course depending on what truly happened back then... but I think Tsurumi has some theories in this regard and he’s asking merely because he thinks Sofia’s words, which Asirpa won’t question because Sofia wouldn’t have any reason to lie, would be beneficial to him.

Sofia starts crying at all this, breaking down and admitting what we already knows, that Kiro believed ‘Wilk changed’.

The only new addition to all this is that it confirms Kiro believed Wilk changed because Asirpa was born... but this doesn’t really tell us if Wilk changed the day Asirpa was born or later, as the change could have been gradual and we saw that Kiro seemed to have a good relationship with Wilk after Asirpa’s birth

(and we know, for Wilk’s own admission, he wanted to raise Asirpa to be a guerrilla fighter capable of leading the Ainu...

...and taught her how misplaced sympathy could become a weakness and who’s weak gets eaten, how they can’t hesitate to kill (a bear cub) for fear of being cruel or they’ll die (of starvation)).

Kiro also said Wilk saw a light in Asirpa, a light of hope for the Ainu,

...which also fits with how Kiro himself entrusted the future to Asirpa and Sofia,

...and how Asirpa’s name means ‘future’.

Long story short, we still don’t know anything new as it was clear Asirpa ended up affecting Wilk but how and why Kiro believed this constituted betrayal worth killing him is completely up to speculation.

I stand my ground on the fact I believe if Kiro thought Wilk had to die, it was because he believed Wilk betrayed the partisan cause, which, among partisans, has always been a crime punishable with death.

Still I genuinely doubt Asirpa’s birth caused Wilk to turn into a pro-imperialist or that it caused him to stop caring about the minorities... and since Kiro didn’t try to kill him prior to the Nopperabou incident, I’ll say the problem didn’t exactly start with Asirpa’s birth.

On the other side I don’t think Kiro is lying, he genuinely believed Wilk changed.

We’re clearly missing how Wilk changing became something that caused or was connected to the Nopperabou incident and made him worthy of being killed later, without even being questioned.

Ogata hinted that Kiro might have been afraid Wilk would reveal something about Kiro to Sugimoto...

...but I somehow have troubles seeing Kiro killing all those Ainu since Kiro seemed reluctant to kill Inkarmat, who was clearly a big hindrance and didn’t want Sugimoto, who was a potential hindrance, to be shoot.

Besides Kiro clearly didn’t know where the gold was, so I’ve troubles thinking he would just murder all those Ainu without even trying to get info from them.

Could it really be possible Wilk make a 180° turn and wanted to hand the gold to the Japanese even if, apparently, when he was arrested, he was trying to escape in Karafuto with the gold so that he could bring it to his companions?

Or did he wanted to hand it to the Japanese authorities because he came to believe the Ainu, the partisans and the revolutionaries wouldn’t know how to use it to benefit their cause and would only make matter worse?

Difficult to believe so as, even if we’re to assume he decided that fighting was wrong, the gold could be used in small parts to improve Ainu’s life by buying necessities for them if times were to become harsh (just think at how the locust attack damaged Kirawus’ village food resources... if they had some gold they could have bought the missing food).

Or was Wilk trying to use it to BUY the Ainu’s freedom from the Japanese, not with weapons but with the gold itself, buying the whole Hokkaido island in Boutarou’s style, therefore betraying the Russian cause as they would remain to their own devices? It would seem an aiful naive plan from him besides it was hinted he still wanted to pursue his own dream of a far east federation for minorities by how he clung to those gold coins up till the time he was captured.

But still, we’re missing some big piece of the puzzle... which we don’t get in this chapter as the story kind of goes back a little to show us Sugimoto and Shiraishi in the bottlecar, just out of the church Sugimoto is in.

They had seen Koito get into the church, meaning they got there before Tsurumi started speaking with Sofia and Asirpa.

Shiraishi would like to rush in to rescue but Sugimoto is uncharacteristically prudent, saying Shiraishi they should go call Hijikata, because if they rush in they could be in numerical disadvantage.

Shiraishi though is worried of what Tsurumi could do to Asirpa but Sugimoto insists Tsurumi should know he can’t rely on information gotten with torture so, differently from Tsukishima, he figured out Tsurumi will try to get information from her of her own free will slowly.

Shiraishi is still worried and references how Tsurumi behaved oddly in the volume version of what happened in Karafuto (because in the magazine version the poor guy actually acted in a pretty normal way) then notices Sugimoto is actually wishing badly he could rush in and decides Sugimoto might be right.

Honestly I should give kudos to Sugimoto for managing to figure this out. From after Tsurumi got his hands on Asirpa he had been uncharacteristically smart, analyzing his opponent (Tsurumi) and understanding his moves, from how Tsurumi wouldn’t part with Asirpa to how he wouldn’t torture her but try to get info out of her willingly.

On a sidenote actually you can get reliable info through torture if you manage to keep control of your victim (meaning if he lied to you torture will just start all over) or if you’ve someone to use to blackmail that person but whatever, let’s go on.

Sugimoto and Shiraishi decide them to go call Hijikata, slam the car against a pole and fly out of it.

The chapter ends here but if Nikaidou is really around there to keep guard as Tsurumi told him to do...

...and spot Sugimoto we can count on him to go in berserk mode, scream ‘SUGIMOTO SAICHI! MY NAME IS NIKAIDOU KOUHEI. YOU KILLED MY BROTHER! PREPARE TO DIE!’ and reveal to everyone how Sugimoto and Shiraishi are there, possibly interrupting the whole interrogatory and letting us wonder for many more chapters WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED DURING THE NOPPERABOU INCIDENT. So please Nikaidou, don’t be around or scream discreetly. We don’t really want you to bother Tsurumi, Sofia and Asirpa NOW.

#Golden Kamuy #Tsurumi Tokushirou #Asirpa #Sofia #Tsukishima Hajime #Koito Otonoshin #Hasegawa Olga #Hasegawa Fina #Kiroranke #Wilk #Sugimoto Saichi #Shiraishi Yoshitake #Hijikata Toshizou #Golden Kamuy Ramblings and Theories

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bonsaiiiiiii · 4 years ago

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FabFiveFeb 2021 - Virgil week

prompts: a question, “I don’t understand”

here is my offering for FabFiveFeb 2021, and naturally it’s Virgil week! this chapter is quite short, a sort of...opening, if we want to put it that way (the prompts will appear in the next chapter, don’t worry if you don’t see them right now!). big thanks to @gumnut-logic for the challenge and the prompts, and to @louthestarspeaker for a general review! @nourelle-tracy here’s the whumpyy you requested. if you want some sneak peeks on the next chap pm me!

^to make it short, read this under the cut^

Another day, another rescue.

This time it was a suspended hotel in the mountains on the verge of falling and, as if that wasn't enough, there was also an armed civilian threatening the people inside. For the second thing the GDF would take of it, but the first one was an International Rescue mission.

So there were Virgil, Gordon and Scott at the site of the incident, deciding a way to at least block the hotel and evacuate all the people inside, shooter included. Jeff and John were speaking with them through hologram.

"So this massive building above you is the Heavens' Residence, and it's well known for being suspended between two mountains by a particular structure and for being the biggest in the world. Sending you the blue prints now."

Virgil studied the structure for a bit. It was mostly all corrugate and carbon steel, so resistant, and it caught support by leaning on the two mountains with many large 'claws' leaning into the rocks, like spider legs. The damage was in one of these spider legs: something fell from the top of the mountains, maybe a subsidence considered the damage, and it bent the claw. That's why the whole structure was falling, if just one if those are missing or defective it all falls. A good plan but a bad execution. "The damage is pretty visible and clear," he looked up at the bent claw above him, "we have to try and keep stable that claw, so we can evacuate everyone."

"Not until the shooter is escorted out by the GDF. We just received the signals: one less life sign." Jeff interrupted Virgil's plan sternly.

"We don't have time to wait for the GDF! They don't have time!" Virgil protested.

"I agree with dad. He could even hurt us, and we can't keep risking more lives to fall." Scott agreed with Jeff. "But it's still true that if we don't act now they're all gonna die nevertheless." He got silent for a bit, thinking of a plan through the situation.

"What's the deal with him tho?" Gordon asked curiously. "Does he shoot people randomly or has he got a motive behind this?"

"His name is Santiago Lopez, all I know about him is that he's married with a certain Louise. It seems that what triggered Mr. Lopez was seeing his wife with another man." John answered calmly.

"Scott," Virgil captured his big brother's attention. "let's stabilize that claw for the moment, then we'll think about the guests inside."

"Very well. We'll have to use the pods. Gordon?"

"FAB." the squid kid intercepted the subtle message, heading along with Scott inside Thunderbird 2 and preparing 2 pods. After not long they were already on 2 helipods, flying up to the claw and starting immediately to stabilize it with some stabilizing foam.

Virgil in the meantime kept thinking of a way to get up to the guests. He looked at the elevator crashed on the ground, considering it wasn't the best option. He looked up for a while, to then contact John.

He answered immediately. "What's the problem, Virgil?"

"How long would it take me to climb up to the hotel's entrance or even a window?"

John opened his mouth to protest, noticing where this was going, but he eventually closed back his mouth, doing some mental calculations. "Considering the highness I would say about 20 minutes. You just need to take the exo-suit."

"I'm far beyond you, brother." Virgil laughed while putting said exo-suit on, already into his Thunderbird.

"But Scott and Gordon will be done soon, can't you wait for them?"

"It takes a whole lot of time to climb up there, you said it. And while they're stabilizing I can get inside and try to help whoever has to be helped." he stopped when he heard another gunshot in the distance. "Kinda off topic, but where is the GDF? We would need a hand of help from them."

"5 minutes ago they said they were on their way. But-" the redhead paused for a second, "Dad won't be happy if he discovers you disobeyed his orders."

"He won't know." Virgil replied impatiently. People come before anything, it was a rule.

"You're playing with fire, I tell you that." John said before disappearing. Virgil huffed, and climbed his way through.

It didn't take long for him to get up to the entrance of the hotel and get inside safely. The vision that presented itself in front of him was almost grotesque: the bodies of the two lovers were laying lifeless on the ground, and if he had to explain it to his brothers later he would say that the 2 bodies were reduced to a colander. He could clearly sense the disgusting smell of vomit, even through his helmet; seems like someone has a sensible stomach. Well, the sight was horrible, so it was justified. The woman, Louise, was caucasian but tanned, while the man was maybe Cuban. They were both unrecognizable in the face.

And speaking of others...where were they? He looked quickly around him, and he saw many people hidden behind counters, tables...they were all shaking and trembling, but nobody didn't seem to be caught in the fire of the jealous man. He didn't see anybody hurt and nobody bloody, but there was a little girl who was whimpering and holding her arm. He quickly paced to her.

"Are you okay miss?"

She, on the other hand, widened her eyes in pure horror. "Are you from the police?"

"No...I'm from International Rescue. I'm here to save you."

"You can't do that!" she shouted, but somewhat her sentence came out whispered lightly.

"Hey, it's okay. We're gonna get you to safety." he repeated, this time a bit more quietly.

"He will kill us if he sees you here! He has already killed his wife and..." The girl continued to whisper terrified, looking around frantically.

He tried to ignore that statement for the time being by kneeling slowly. "Are you hurt?"

"No...but he killed my dad." she let a sob slip away. Virgil blinked, understanding the gravity of the situation in a single instant.

"Is your mom with you?"

"Mom died, dad didn’t know the other mom had a husband..." The girl’s sobs were echoing all over the room.

For a moment Virgil’s heart tightened in a painful vice; the child was too young to lose both parents, and apparently also a stepmother she loved. "How old are you?"

"11..." The child replied sad, and then watched him terrified. Or he didn’t look at him...he could see a shadow forming in front of him. A shadow that was not his own.

"Turn slowly." The new voice was very sharp and shaky, a sign of instability, but Virgil did what the other man told him anyway. As he turned completely to look at him he found a gun pointed at his forehead. Small enough, maybe it makes a lot of noise. Virgil made sure to cover the child behind him as much as possible, trying to hide the nervousness that attacked his mind and trying to muffle the sound of the quiet sobs and sobs that he heard echoing throughout the room.

Suddenly his communicator echoed in the room, possibly John trying to get in touch with him for an update on the situation. Maybe Scott or Gordon to warn him that they had finished with the claw.

"Don’t answer." The shrill voice of his assailant echoed again in the room, the gun pressing more and more in his forehead.

"I won’t answer." Virgil replied, holding his hands in the air so that the other could see them.

Mr Lopez was about to replicate something when the deafening noise of various engines grew nearer and louder, until everyone saw a very familiar military aircraft looming a shadow over everyone’s heads.

As if the situation were not disastrous enough, all the guests began to scream and run in all directions, agitated. The assailant distracted his attention from Virgil, holding the gun to his temple but loosening the grip a bit, and Virgil in turn took the opportunity to get out of the firing trajectory and run away to try to calm everyone down.

The situation became even more dramatic when a shot, even very close, echoed in the air, causing everyone to stop dead in their tracks. Virgil also stopped, looking around quickly to see if everyone was okay, if no one had been hit by the shot just launched. No, no one seemed to be hurt. So why were they all screaming worse than before?

The GDF guards, camouflaged in green, entered quickly, who surrounded in a moment the shooter, who protected the customers by positioning in front of them, who took care of possible wounds, fortunately mild. Colonel Casey appeared in all her mastery as always: chest out, chin high, sharp and deep look, hands always behind her back.

"Santiago Lopez, you’re under arrest for the murder of your wife and her lover. Anything you say will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney." The colonel turned to the shooter as another guard carried his hands behind his back, handcuffing him. Lopez resisted the arrest, hurling insults to left and right and calling in unpleasant ways his now deceased wife, eventually giving in and being escorted out by the guards, all this not before turning a deadly look at the Colonel, who in responde turned to turned to look at Virgil, her look visibly softer. "What are you doing here? Didn’t your father say you should stay and wait near your Thunderbird?" She let out her right hand to Virgil, for him to take it, a sort of salutation valid for all the brothers. Although they were worth a lot more to her than that type of salute.

Virgil turned completely to the Colonel, having been turned to the side until then; he extended his hand in turn, only to realize that something was wrong. His hand had remained along his hips. Not even his arm had moved. Virgil ignored the exclamation of surprise -or perhaps of terror? - of his godmother, looking at his right shoulder and immediately understanding the source of the problem.

There was a small hole, made bigger by the blood, going through his shoulder from side to side, even through his exo-suit, and a giant pool of blood forming quickly on the ground.

"I don’t understand..." Virgil began, and then suddenly felt dizzy, symptom of too much blood loss.

"Stay still, try to move as little as possible. How did you not notice?" He found the colonel’s hands around the gunshot wound, pressing to prevent further blood from escaping. Meanwhile his communicator sounded again.

Casey looked at Virgil’s failure to respond, noting that he was beginning to pass out. She came down with him on the cold floor, his head on her lap and her hands pressing on his wound, helped by a shirt found on the ground. She muttered some curses under her breath and then responded to Virgil’s communicator who kept on echoing, looking with her peripheral vision at the guards who were taking the now handcuffed shooter out of the hotel. The hologram of a concerned Scott appeared as a flash.

"Colonel Casey! Don't tell me Virgil is there?" Scott asked somewhere between the concerned and the nervous.

"Well..." she replied, lowering her eyes to her hands smeared with Virgil’s blood.

"Why did he have to disobey Dad’s orders?!" The eldest exclaimed, to then start talking again after a deep breath. "At least let him be okay."

"I’m sorry to say it, but not exactly."

"What the fuck happened to him?" Gordon’s voice overlayed Scott’s undivided voice, a sign that he was also close by. "Scott, we’re done with the claw." Then a serious Gordon appeared in the hologram. "Can we come in Colonel?"

"You have to! Hurry." Virgil was starting to get pale and cold. While waiting for the eldest and the youngest of the family, Casey’s mind was filled with thousands of questions, many with answers.

It was more than normal for Virgil to put the needs of others before his own, and it was not so much for the work he did as for his own character. That’s who he was. Virgil Tracy was the type to disobey orders, not sit around, be impatient. But he was also the type to sacrifice for others, especially his brothers. He knew he was going to get in danger inside that hotel but he still entered anyway. His motto might have been "I would sacrifice for you." But that wasn’t Virgil’s motto. No.

Scott was the first to enter, as usual; Scott was the first in all. Gordon followed him, but he was a bit slower, perhaps out of fear of the scene he would find himself in front of, perhaps out of fear of not being able to do anything for his older brother. They both gasped in seeing his brother in a pool of blood, of his own blood, while the Colonel stubbornly tried to stop the blood with a now-soaked shirt.

Scott, however, said nothing; he only knelt, inspecting first his wrist for the heartbeat. It was weak. "He lost too much..." he murmured to himself. He lightly touched Virgil’s cheek; his eyes opened slowly, black and abysmal. "Hey, Virgil. You in there, little brother?"

Virgil didn’t answer, but he blinked a couple of times. Lifeless. He wasn’t even looking at him.

Another day, another rescue.

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rachelbethhines · 4 years ago

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Tangled Salt Marathon - Rapunzeltopia

This episode, much like many other plot important episodes of the first two seasons, is decent on it its own, but becomes retroactively worse due to season three’s bad writing and behind the scenes bullshit.

Summary: Matthews reveals himself as another dark spirit and disciple of Zhan Tiri, and traps Eugene, Lance and the others in unbreakable vines similar to the Great Tree's evil magic. He has Rapunzel live the perfect life while he prepares to hand over the mystical powers of the Sundrop to his master. Fortunately, Rapunzel is able to make contact with her brown-haired dream self and attempts to convince her to let go.

Timeline Alert

So what does almost a year ago mean? The Great Tree was six months out, and then in Mirror, Mirror, Lance said that they been fighting for three weeks since. So how long have then been stuck in this shell house? Because You’re Kidding Me was just the next day after Mirror, Mirror. Was Lance’s ‘three weeks’ comment meant to be after Brothers Hooks and Rapunzel: Day One and not Great Tree? Are we 7, 8, 9, or 10 months out from Secret of the Sundrop? Like be clear about your time frame guys if you’re going to use it as a plot point.

I’m going to say we are 9 months along on this trip, just cause that sounds closer to ‘almost a year ago’ without keeping them all trapped in the shell house for months. So Great Tree is 6 months, Brother’s Hook and Rapunzel Day One is 7 months, Mirror, Mirror is going on 8 months, and at the end of this episode they’ll be heading into the 9 month period...I guess. Lets just say they were trapped there for a week or two.

This Episode Only Highlights How Self Centered and Immature Rapunzel Still Is Rather Than Showcase How Much She’s Grown

The point behind this episode is show how much Rapunzel has grown since season one, and how she is accepting of responsibility now, but it actually backfires because she’s not actually being challenged on her selfish desires but on her lack of agency. Which is the wrong lesson that she needs to be learning at this point in her development.

Rapunzel in her subconscious mind doesn’t wish for what’s best for other people but what’s best for herself. People she must interact with on the regular have to be superficially happy even if it completely warps their character. While people she doesn't care about, like Lady Caine, can just be simply banished and ignored regardless if they deserve such an end or not. She doesn’t see people as people with individual thoughts and feelings, but as satellites to herself and her narrow worldview.

Also, ‘I believe everyone deserves a second chance’ my eye! Caine never gets even a first chance in Rapunzel’s own fantasy world. Because Rapunzel is a selfish hypocrite who’s ‘redemptions’ always comes with strings attached.

Here Comes the Dumbest Plot Point In the Show

I’ll talk about this more when we get to season three, but this scene is the beginning of the end for any dignity the show once held.

Also why would ‘I don’t trust anyone’ Cassandra follow a creepy voice calling her name through a doorway inside a magic house that’s tried to kill her twice now?

If you gotta make you character act out of character in order to get your plot rolling than you haven’t a good plot. Think of something else.

What’s the Point of Having Two Names?

They did this both with Sugarbee and Matthews here and it makes zero sense. Why would they need to bother with fake names if the heroes wouldn’t even recognize their real names to begin with? Such revelations add nothing and fails to tell the audience anything new about the characters. It’s also not consistent as it turns out Gothel was a disciple too and she only gets one name, so what gives?

So How Does This All Work Again?

So Zhan Tiri needs ‘a clash of the sundrop and moonstone’ in order to be freed from her prison. Why? I don’t know, but holding Rapunzel prisoner for life actually undermines that plan, and it’s a plan that Zhan Tiri is currently setting up with Cassandra off screen during all of this.

So does Tromus/Matthews just not know that Zhan Tiri is already ‘free’ and has her own plans?

Is Rapunzel’s power being drained what gives Zhan Tiri a foothold in the real world?

Or was Zhan Tiri released back in the Great Tree with the removal of the spear and that’s why she knows to go after Cass?

What was up with the Great Tree and the sealed tree back in Painter’s Block? Did they have any impact on Zhan Tiri’s plans?

Were any of the disciples actually useful at all?

So What Do the Disciples Gain From All This?

Sugarbee, Matthews, and Gothel were all once real people who actually lived so what are their reasons for following Zhan Tiri? What do they gain from going through such complicated plans? Why continue to follow someone after you’ve been dead for centuries and are a ghost now, and were presumably trapped and or killed by Demantius for following her? Real people don’t just hold on to such fanatical devotion without reason.

This Conflict Over Choices Does Not Work Without Varian

Going back to how this episode fails to develop Rapunzel; it wants to have Rapunzel take responsibility for difficult choices, but much like Painters Block, it completely ignores her biggest fuck up thereby undermining why she has trouble with owning up to hard choices.

Rapunzel ruined a child’s life. She may not have meant to but she did, and thus far she has done nothing to make amends for it. She’s not even spared the poor boy a single thought beyond seeing him as the boogeyman in a nightmare once.

You can’t have Rapunzel take responsibility for anything if you won’t hold her accountable for anything.

Varian was meant to appear in this episode, and indeed he should have for the above reason.

But of course Chris had to give us a bullshit excuse for why he cut the most plot important character from the series.

I’ve already spoken about how Varian’s cameo in Happiness Is did nothing to actually further develop Rapunzel nor explore her guilt back in that review. In this episode, however, I want to discuss how hollow the comparisons to Gothel is and why there shouldn’t logically have been any competition between the two.

Varian and Gothel provide two completely different conflicts and two completely different points of development for Rapunzel’s arc. Gothel is the instigator of her conflict with Rapunzel. Rapunzel, as the victim, has only one thing to learn, self esteem. She learned it back in the movie, she relearned it back in the season one, and here she’s re-contextualizing it for this episode’s mini-arc.

Meanwhile Rapunzel is the instigator of her conflict with Varian. She’s the one with the power in their relationship and her choices matter. She doesn’t need to learn agency because she already has it. What she needs to learn is responsibility and she can’t do that without confronting Varian and what she did in some manner. So unlike with Gothel there only new ground to cover here rather than rehashing old conflicts.

Chris Sonnenburg has things all backwards. Rapunzel’s agency/self-esteem issues and her need to take responsibility for her actions are not interchangeable conflicts. Addressing one does not automatically address the other, and of the two her conflict with responsibility holds more weight because it’s ongoing. We haven’t seen the resolvement there. It also affects more people than just herself so the stakes are higher there as well. And to top it all off, it fits with the themes of the episode better.

Also, you very much could have had both characters because they both reflect different conflicts and serve different purposes in the narrative. Time management in television is a very big deal yes, but you have little grounds for defense when all you’ve shown is how poorly you’ve managed your time until now.

In short, Chris is full of shit.

No, It Wouldn’t

We’ve already established that there’s no need for Rapunzel to go on her quest in season two. The black rocks are inactive, there’s no ticking clock she has to beat, and her staying at home would have actually prevented the conflicts in season three.

Unless dream Rapunzel is referring to Zhan Tiri being released, but even that is false because Zhan Tiri is already floating around a little blue ghost girl off screen right now. What Rapunzel choses or chooses not to do does not change that.

Lack of external conflict undermines internal conflict.

Just Cause You Make A Meta Joke About Your Heroes Being Dumb For No Reason, Does Not Make Them Any Less Stupid

Jokingly admitting a fault in your writing doesn’t not excuse that fault. If you can’t have a plot without handing the idiot ball to your characters than you haven’t a good plot. Time to go back to drawing board.

Season Three Will Go Back On This Episode’s Message and Prove the Villian Right

I’ve liget seen fans unironically praise the show for it’s message of ‘be content with what you have’. Not only is that a terrible lesson to teach children; it’s actually the exact opposite of what the show is trying to achieve.

“Be satisfied” is suppose to be the wrong motto. Rapunzel is suppose to be fighting against this message. In the episode itself it’s the villian who is saying such things in order to tempt her to stay put.

So how could anyone look at the show as a whole and come away with idea that the one off villain was right along?

Because season three does a complete 180 away from its original messages regarding agency and responsibility. All consequences disappear from the story and the mains are given convenient scapegoats to distract from their decisions. Characters actively regress and are rewarded by the narrative for either not doing anything or for victim blaming others for their actions.

But most damaging of all is the fact that nearly everyone winds up back where they started out at, or aren’t given a proper ending at all. Tangled’s story is just one giant circle and that in of itself contradicts the idea of progress.

Cassandra’s Hurt Hand Is Only Relevant When The Story Wants Rapunzel to Feel Guilty About Something

Oh but we can just throw Cassandra’s burnt hand in here as a substitute Rapunzel’s guilt over Varian. Even though the two incidents should actually complement one another rather than compete for dominance.

Tangled doesn’t trust its audience to remember things. It acts like if it’s off screen or not being focused upon than it’s not happening or isn’t relevant. This undermines any ongoing or overarching conflicts.

Why should we care about Cassandra’s arm if she’s been shown as being fine with it for four episodes by now? Especially since it’ll never come up again after this point? And on the flip side of things, why should the audience not care about the 15 year old who has been sitting in a dungeon for almost a year now due to Rapunzel’s neglect?

We’re not magpies who are quickly distracted by shiny new things. We are capable of retaining information and informing decisions based off of that. Especially if Chris was shooting for the teen audience as he claims he was.

Oh But We Got Time For Godzilla-Pascal

Can’t spare even half a minute for a Varian cameo that would be relevant, but we sure got time to waste on a pointless action sequence that does nothing to further the character in what is meant to be a character development episode.

This Scene Is Out of Character

That’s not how abuse works!

The whole reason why Gothel was able to keep Rapunzel under her thumb for 18 years because Rapunzel always sought her approval. Never at any point, even when finally choosing to break away from her in the movie, did Rapunzel wish to harm the woman. That goes against who she is as a character and it’s not how abuse victims respond to abusers even after cutting things off with them.

If anything, Rapunzel’s treatment of Frederic in Happiness Is is more in line with how a victim goes about mourning the loss of an abusive relationship. Victims grieve for what might have been. Victims mourn the loss of what good times they had with their abusers, because yes, abusers aren’t abusive 100% of the time 24/7. They can’t be or they risk losing their victim quicker.

I initially was ok with flashbacks to Gothel on occasion because no victim ever makes a completely clean break from their abuser. Even ‘moving on’ isn’t some triumphant singular action when you stand tall while you knock your opponent down in a wish fulfilment fantasy.

No. ‘Moving on’ is slow. It’s understated. It’s routine. It’s about being able to do the dishes without getting triggered. It’s sitting at lunch with friends and being happy and calm without the fear of returning home hanging over your head. It’s not skipping out on work because your anxiety is through the roof over just meeting with your boss. It’s not devolving into a yelling match over something minor because you internalize your abusers behavior.

Abuse victims don’t celebrate violence as strength. We celebrate being an unmovable mountain of clam fortitude. Being in control even as the world rages at us, because we’re self assured.

The fact that this scene exists, while Happiness Is shows Rapunzel behaving the opposite way to the father who abused her the same as Gothel did, only proves that a man shouldn’t have been in charge of this show. Certainly not without a woman by his side giving equal input.

Stop Using Destiny as a Shorthand for Everything!

Destiny isn’t a catch all word that can mean whatever you want it to. Words have definitions for a reason. Destiny isn’t a goal nor does it equate to agency and responsibility; kind of the opposite in fact.

Well That Was Redundant

All we did was rehash Rapunzel’s season one arc in under half in hour. Nothing new was learned. It’s like writers don’t know how to resolve any conflict that isn’t a repeat of the first movie. Meanwhile actual unique conflicts are just sitting off to the side being ignored. All because the show’s creator doesn’t want to hold his precious self insert accountable for anything.

Bye Bye Smart Cass, Hello Dumb Cass

So from this point onward the Cass we’ve known for nearly two seasons is gone. She’s just been replaced by the dumbest bitch on the planet. Because the writers don’t understand how manipulation and trauma actually works. Nor do they comprehend the importance of giving characters actual goals.

Conclusion

Season three is what retroactively spoils this episode. Cass’s dumb decision here, Zhan Tiri’s lack of a coherent plan, the uselessness of the disciples, and even the lack of Varian could have been glossed over had they writers given us a satisfying pay offs for any of the main conflicts. But they didn’t and so here we are.

Also a small update, but after this review and starting next week, the Salt Marathon will go from bi weekly updates to only one a week. This is a combination of real life work getting in the way and the growing length of the reviews. This means we’ll hopefully be done come March, which would mark the show’s anniversary. I got some plans to celebrate if that works out.

#tangled #anti-tangled #anti rapunzel #rapunzel's tangled adventure #tangled the series #varian

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kittydemon9000 · 4 years ago

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SO @blursed-ninjago-ideas, sorry how long this took! The prompts was Cole turning evil by a weapon, I took that prompt, and only partially followed it. Hope you like it.

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Spirits In My Head And They Won’t Go

The cave was very dark with the only light source coming from the small lamp Kai had lit.

The four ninja had been receiving many warnings, calls, and even letters about the cave and the legends surrounding it, and had eventually decided to check it out for themselves.

The plan had been to stay in one big group, but it seemed like fate had other plans.

Barely five steps into the cave, the floor had collapsed, separating the ninja among the many caverns. The ground was too unstable for Cole to try and open up new tunnels, so he was stuck using the already existing ones.

So now Cole was alone, in the dark, with only a small lamp for light and no idea where he or the others were.

And on top of everything else, his scar was absolutely throbbing. It had since they first entered the cave, and it only seemed to get worse with every step he took. Spectacular.

There were small moments like this where he missed being a ghost. He would have been able to find the others so easily if he could just travel through walls.

Hello.

Cole jumped, snapping his head around trying to locate where the voice had come from.

“Who’s there!” He exclaimed. He didn’t expect whoever it was to answer, but it wouldn’t hurt to ask.

A friend. Someone who wants to help.

The Voice, if you could even call it that, was strange. There wasn’t any sound to it, but it was clear as day. It was as if someone had written the words in his head, but there were no letters to be seen.

It set him on edge.

“Is that so?” Cole asked. He scanned the tunnel again.

You can’t find me that way.

"Oh, really? Cole said aloud. “Then how can I find you?”

Cole jumped as a ball of small green fire appeared in front of him. Then another. And another and another and another. They bathed the cave in an eerie green glow as a clear line of the strange orbs led further down the tunnel.

Follow the Wisps.

And once you find me, I can get you out.

“And why would you help me?” Cole asked aloud. ‘If that’s what you’re really doing.’ He thought to himself.

“For all I know, you could be leading me straight into a trap. Or keep me down here forever!”

Because I know what it’s like to be left behind.

Those words left a chill down Cole’s spine.

“What…..what do you mean?” He hesitantly asked, swallowing the lump in his throat.

Your so-called friends left you, did they not?

“What are you talking about? They haven’t left me!” Cole exclaimed, anger seeping into his voice.

Take a look.

The wisp closest to him came closer. Cole watched it with hesitancy, reading to bolt at a moment's notice, but much to his surprise, in the center of the fire were the other ninja!

All of them were gathered in a group, seemingly safe from harm. They all had a greenish tint, but Cole choked that up to the green wisp.

“What do you mean we should leave Cole behind!” Jay’s shrill yelling echoed in the tunnel.

Cole stopped. They were going to leave him behind?

“I’m not saying that! I’m just-“ Lloyd said, but he was cut off by Jay again.

“No, that’s exactly what you’re saying!” Jay yelled, taking a step toward Lloyd and jabbing a finger in his direction. “We can’t just leave him in there!”

Cole couldn’t help but smile. “Thanks, Zaptrap.” He whispered under his breath.

“If we go in now, we’ll just get lost!” Lloyd argued back.

“Calm down Jay. Lloyd has a point.” Nya said, placing a hand on Jay’s shoulder.

Those words felt like a punch in the gut. Nya was agreeing that they should leave without him.

Jay seemed to share his sentiment and looked at her with an incredulous face. Nya made a motion to Kai, probably asking him to back her up.

Kai hesitantly glanced behind him. “I’m with Jay on this one. The longer Cole’s in there, the more likely he is to get hurt.”

Then Zane jumped in. “But if we go in now without a plan or more surprise, we could get hurt ourselves.”

The warmth Kai’s words had given him was quickly stamped out by the cold ones of Zane. Yes, he understood that Zane was the logical one…...but was he really thinking that leaving him behind was the best option.

Lloyd let out a sigh. “So it’s decided. We’ll all head back to Master Yang’s temple.”

“No! No, it’s not decided!” Jay shrieked again, but this time Kai was the one to stop him, silently shaking his head with a sober look on his face. He whispered something to Jay, but Cole couldn’t hear. The group slowly walked out of the frame of the wisp, but not before Jay cast one final look back.

The wisp went back to the line.

You see.

Something wet started dripping down Cole’s face, and when he reached up, he found tears.

It was a lie. A trick. It had to be. His friends.....they wouldn't. Not again......right?

But if this wasn't a trick.....and his friends really had left him...... then this was just like the Day of the Departed.

“So how did you get here then?” Cole asked, his voice wavered slightly as he wiped the tears from his eyes. If he was going to be stuck here, he might as we learn things about his only company.

The voice hesitated, before two more wisps broke away from the line, sending another throb through his scar. Much to his shock, the wisps started changing and growing until they took the form of two small children, each one no taller than his waist.

The two were smiling, dancing, and playing in a way that reminded Cole fondly of his own childhood.

I wasn’t always stuck here.

The children were hand and hand as they started running down the tunnel. Not wanting to lose them, Cole was quick to follow.

We wanted to go on an adventure together, experience what the world had to offer.

The two children reached a crossroads, unsure which was to go. They eventually picked the left tunnel. Cole followed, but it was a dead end.

Neither of us knew where we were going, and we got lost.

The two children started yelling at each other, but no sound was coming from their mouths.

Julie wanted to keep looking to try and find a way out while I wanted to stay put.

One of the children, Julie, pushed the other away and stormed toward the tunnel.

“You can stay here if you want,” she said. “But I’m going to find a way out!”

And then all the wisps but the first child disappeared.

I waited and waited, hoping that on the off chance she’d made it out, that she’d come back for me.

The room was much darker with only the one wisp, and it was rapidly growing smaller.

She never did.

The wisp went out.

The only thing left to light the cave was the lamp and Cole’s scar.

Ever since that day, I swore that if I somehow made it out, I’d do everything in my power to make sure no one would be left behind like I was ever again.

The voice let out an empty chuckle, one that struck a chord in Cole.

A rather unrealistic goal, I know.

“I don’t think so.” Cole found himself saying. He felt the confused silence, so he continued. “I mean, it definitely wouldn’t be easy, but I do think you could make a difference.”

…….you really are different than her.

Cole’s confusion was short-lived, as a plethora of wisps ignited around him, giving him a good look at the cave he was now in. Stalagmites and stalactites littered the edges, but the center was different.

In the middle of the room was a small podium with a scythe. It is a dark, black metal with small green gemstones embedded at the end of the handle and parts of the blade. It was an elegant weapon and the designs that littered it were not much unlike the wisps that had led him here.

If you take this weapon, you will be granted control over my wisps, and be able to help the lost spirits, living and dead alike.

Cole couldn’t tear his eyes away from the weapon. Some far off part of him was screaming at him to run away, that this was all a trap that he’d walked into.

But that part was drowned out by his memories. Of becoming a ghost, of the Day of the Departed…….and of the conversation he’d just heard. He remembered the pain of not being seen or heard. Of not existing.

He didn’t want anyone else to feel that.

Cole reached forward and grabbed the scythe.

———————————

PS: I was also able to to a drawing

#Ninjago #cole brookstone #jay walker #lloyd garmadon #Nya smith #kai smith #zane julien #cole #jay #lloyd #nya #kai #zane #reverse prompt challenge

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ksbwnotes · 3 years ago

Text

Chapter 9, Part 1

Ahhhh...poor son of a bitch.

1. Heyyyyy, green tape

Hmmmn, Koogi seems to use green a lot...is that just more common a color for duct tape in Korea? But thing is, her main outfit for Bum is green tones. And he likes froggies, which are green.

Also, we never do see Sangwoo use this tape with CEO daughter girl (just ropes, a cloth for her mouth, and this weird metal thing to cover her eyes). Or with Bum, for that matter (I only saw it so far used with Koogi’s illustrations, which are a different matter altogether...I might be mistaken, I won’t skip to that part, but Sangwoo might have used it on Bum in the last chapters, which could signify how far his mentality has deteriorated).

But this guy is different. Sangwoo has no emotional attachment to him. The duct tape could be, in a way, signifying how worthless this person is to Sangwoo. That he’s nothing more than a box full of unsavory memories he would rather tape shut forever and throw away to rot.

2. Ooohp. Bastard’s bringing out his iconic apron

Sangwoo the butcher.

But this is something new that we haven’t seen before. Again, Sangwoo has never once wore this with Bum. So that means Sangwoo truly has no intentions of going easy on this guy. Blood is going to be pretty much spurting every-the-fuck-where.

So even though Sangwoo doesn’t consciously plan to kill someone, he has his habits and ideas down to a pat so that once he does get into that territory, he can more or less get right down to it. Sangwoo seems to do what he can to ‘separate’ himself from his atrocious acts, but also fulfilling an ‘aesthetic’ that fits with the atrocity he has become.

Like, that apron. Too risky to wear regular clothes, so apron is the next best thing and can act as a barrier of some sort once the blood goes flying. It’ll reduce how much splatters onto his skin and how much of his body he has to actually clean. It’s also just keep things less gross and more sanitary that way lol.

3. I am the type to find this funny and really be amused by Sangwoo’s smartass-ness

I suck at being a smartass and I can’t do it, so I really appreciate it whenever someone else can, even if it’s mean lol. But if it’s mean, it’s a guilty pleasure for me, like right now. x’D

4. Honestly, Sangwoo, how did you get yourself into this situation...

Oh! So he was able to get out of the blow job. Nice. The guy was actually respectful. If Sangwoo were sane, he’d understand this and just run away instead of luring this guy in to kill him.

But, really, why did Sangwoo put himself into this position? I don’t have anything foolproof as evidence, but I really don’t think Sangwoo is the type who actually needs to kill at specific intervals as an outlet.

If anything, Sangwoo has a more...instinctual response to sexual situations, like Bum. For Bum, he becomes hyper-aroused and zeroes in on the pleasure to a point that it overrides his more logical line of thinking. The “he’s a killer I should be scared” becomes “it feels so good and nothing else can exist but this pleasure”.

For Sangwoo, he has two modes. The first one is passive, where he’s just following his partner’s whims and saying that he’s enjoying things but he’s actually just powerless to resist. It’s his instinctual reaction after being forced to just...take his mom’s advances. He feels empty, like a doll that is just meant to be used and taken for pleasure. It’s no better than being a corpse that is fulfilling another’s necrophilic tendencies.

The second mode, I believe, came to be as a self-defense mechanism to the first mode. In order to avoid ever feeling like that, he is in control of everything. He has complete dominance over his partner. In a way, the extreme violence is the only way he can genuinely feel pleasure because he’s ‘safe’. He can literally go one way or the other, his trauma has made it impossible for him to have any other mode than ‘docile’ or ‘predator’.

5. Well, even without the possibility of murdering someone, Sangwoo choosing an alias is no surprise

He did go into a gay bar, lol.

I also find it interesting that this is where we get a look into Bum’s thoughts. And it’s regarding Sangwoo’s alias.

Also, now I am wondering if Sangwoo ever resorted to using aliases with his other prey. Because if he had, then this does add a whole other layer of premeditation to his serial killing. Even if he’s not purposefully scouting for prey, it would at least mean he’s always prepared in the event that he comes across prey.

That is what makes Jieun such an outlier and also Sangwoo’s downfall in terms of getting caught. Jieun knows Sangwoo personally. There is a connection between them. And her disappearance could easily be traced back to him. Sangwoo isn’t an idiot. He knows how to pick and choose his prey and he probably makes sure to never make it so that the prey can call him by name.

That is also what makes Bum such an interesting outlier. Because Sangwoo is risking A LOT just to keep him--someone who knows Sangwoo’s real name and actually has witnessed his personal life, both in the outside world and behind closed doors. Sangwoo chose him over the girl. Sangwoo broke his legs, not only to keep Bum from escaping, but to keep Bum with him.

This does suggest that Sangwoo is not serial killing for the thrill of it (at least, not just for that), but because he’s in search for something that could replace the kills. Sangwoo doesn’t want a pile of dead bodies under his feet--he wants one alive body to stay by his side and love him, in spite of those dead bodies.

6. ....cute motherfucker

Koogi, I resent you so much for making him this cute...

Honestly though, it just strikes me how Sangwoo keeps trying to keep on a carefree and happy facade even during times like these. We do later see him doing that as a habit as a child, so it fits that he does that on steroids during his adult years, especially considering the things he does. I’ll refer back to this when we get to Jieun’s death scene.

7. Shows of weakness

Ah damn I’m going to have to revisit this part. I have a lot of thoughts on it, but I’m too sleep deprived to actually make sense of it. But this part is important in understanding Sangwoo’s mentality and the ways he tries to train Bum to fit a certain image.

Aaaaaand today is a new day!! So going forth:

During the times Bum showed fear and was trembling, I do think a major part of why Sangwoo hates it so much is because it reminds him of how much of a monster he is. But I also think it’s because it reminds him of his mom, which he does say about Bum’s trembling. Because no matter what happened to his mom, she never learned her lesson. If she were able to change, then Sangwoo’s childhood would be less painful.

But Bum being quiet and looking scared, but still able to meet Sangwoo’s eyes...that reminds Sangwoo of what he was while with his parents. And even though Sangwoo does hate himself--to a point where he doesn’t want to change because he has no belief he can be better--I do think he’s grieving for that child who had no clue that things will just get worse and worse from there.

Especially since, from what I’m assuming, he knew how to manipulate his image so that he could avoid being beaten and locked up like his mother. So he would hold more respect towards his conditioned response versus his mother’s conditioned response. He probably refused to admit to himself how he felt back then, because obviously that’s a cruel thought to have and Sangwoo’s level of empathy was still average to high at the time. But it still doesn’t erase his resentment towards her inability to be better (I think this also contributed to why Sangwoo presumably felt ‘free’ after his first kill).

I think I’ll have a better grasp over my thoughts once we get to Jieun’s death >_<

8. *opens mouth, then silently closes it*

That first sentence probably is not meant to sound the way Sangwoo makes it sound. xD Which is a bit too gay for someone who firmly claims he is wholly hetero.

Oh actually this is funny. Since the only other person in the basement is a guy, the card dude probably thinks Sangwoo really is gay or internalized-antigay or something. But the truth is a lot more complex and sinister than what it appears to be on the surface.

9. Ooooooh, high stakes indeed

Lol, this does drive home the idea to me that Sangwoo is really pissed at Bum. Because, again, he would’ve never went to that gay bar had it not been for Bum. So, in a way, even though Sangwoo internally knows Bum isn’t the one going out in a body bag, this instillation of fear is a punishment for making him question his sexuality in a way that triggered Sangwoo’s trauma. Because there is literally no safe way for Sangwoo to explore his sexuality considering his past and his current lifestyle.

On the other end of the spectrum, I wonder how Bum is feeling about this. He probably genuinely believes that Sangwoo is genuinely putting Bum’s life on the line, in a way that if he fails the card game, he’ll die. Like. I definitely would. No matter what past form of affection Sangwoo showed, if he says he’ll kill me, I would full-heartedly be like “Yeah. Yeah, I don’t doubt you, hun.”

And, still, Bum knows better now than to complain or beg. Because unlike his mother, despite his own mental issues, Bum can be trained and that is why Sangwoo keeps him around.

10. Where do you come up with these things, you bastard

I mean, seriously, he has so many ideas on how to break a person. These are more psychopathic than sociopathic tendencies, I think, so that’s why Sangwoo right now, is a high-functioning sociopath.

11. Oh my fkkn god tho, this smart boi XD

Or maybe I’m just dumb and have no clue how to play cards.

Or maybe Sangwoo has been spending time with Bum playing cards.

Or maybe Bum is just good at cards and has spent his time practicing them.

Either way, the fact that Bum is able to fkkn pay attention during these times shows that his own trauma and mental issues have no bearing on how smart he actually is. He doesn’t have strong observation skills and is slow to understand people, but that’s more of a natural character trait, even if it is more emphasized by his mental disorders...mmmn, I do kinda wonder if Bum could have some traits shared with autism but I’m too neruotypical and untrained to say whether or not he does.

12. No seriously, we have creative Sangwoo here with this card game from hell...

...Then we have Bum here able to pull out logical conclusions like his mind is clear despite the immense anxiety and pressure of the situation. There’s a reason why Bum is still alive. For some reason, the longer Bum is stuck in his situation, the more

13. Seriously, I could stab him in the eye for being so cute despite being revolting, it’s not RIGHT KOOGI

Stab stab stab stab

14. It probably doesn’t mean much, but I still can’t help but point out how Sangwoo is making sure to be close to Card!dude and facing Bum

This would be the most logical choice since it will ensure his victim doesn’t try to escape. And even if he does, he can quickly do shit like pulling back his hair if he tries to be ‘bratty’. Also, being behind someone like this is meant to represent a menacing appearance and being the ‘controller’ behind the scenes. Sangwoo has the upperhand since card!dude can’t see him and Sangwoo can do whatever he wants to the guy.

But this also puts Sangwoo and Bum on more equal ground. Sort of like “partners in crime” because they can face each other and communicate via body language. In a way, Sangwoo can help Bum or make Bum do things, influencing his next move. While, at the same time, keeping a literal eye on Bum but without the upperhand he has on card!dude--because Bum can also keep an eye out on him.

15. I’d probably laugh if I were Sangwoo too lol

I bet you Sangwoo didn’t expect Bum to actually get the goddamn ace. The fact that Bum is this fkkn lucky is indicative of how Bum is lucky enough to even be alive at this point. Bum has been able to avoid his ‘fate of death’ over and over again that, honestly, the sheer disbelief of it is ridiculous. But it’s also like Sangwoo is saying ‘Of course you’d get the goddamn ace. Of course you would, you little shit, why am I even still surprised by you at this point’.

In a way, Sangwoo might also be thinking that ‘Huh, it’s like I meant to mess with the cards so that’d they be in your favor.’ But of course, he can’t have that because Bum being ‘too’ happy about things means he won’t be able to control Bum. So, for Bum’s case, he’s doing a second round to train Bum further, rather than to fuck with him before he kills him (like what he’s doing with card!dude).

Other than that, this is also indicative of just how well Bum is dealing with the anxiety of this moment. Card!dude might have done better (though he can’t have that much control over the cards) under normal circumstances, but between the both of them, Bum is actually calm enough to think things through. It says a lot about his capabilities lol. It makes me wonder what kind of person he could’ve been had he been raised well.

ALSO, AGAIN WITH YOU BEING CUTE SANGWOO. NO. ESPECIALLY NOT UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES YOU ASSHOLE. STOP IT.

16. Lol, even though this is a throwaway line, I think this is indicative of who Sangwoo has already chosen

This is really like a “come on, partner in crime, get up to my level here and let’s fuck with this fucker together”. But the thing is, Bum is just as much a victim as this guy. There is literally no way for Bum to think any other way but Sangwoo fucking with both of them, not just card!dude.

Because the thing is, if Bum forgot himself and reacted the same way as card!dude, Sangwoo would kill him, along with card!dude.

But yeah, it does make me think of how Sangwoo would’ve reacted if card!dude actually won. How would his script go? Would he still do a practice round? Or would that have been enough for Sangwoo, and he would’ve skipped to the next part of his plan?

I don’t think this second round was something Sangwoo expected. And that really drove home to him how Bum keeps surpassing his expectations again and again.

17. *wince* Oohp.

The trembling and slight protest. Definitely not what Sangwoo wants to see. I can’t blame Bum for responding like this, BECAUSE A FKKN SERIAL KILLER IS PRETTY MUCH TRYING TO SCREW HIM OVER, but at the same time, he should know better than to respond this way.

I also do think, other than the threat to his life, Bum is perceiving this as Sangwoo ‘choosing’ card!dude over Bum. It’s like a rejection and that probably hits Bum’s rejection sensitivity. If it was just a threat to his life, Bum would probably be able to still stay silent at this point (uh, most likely not because again, life is on the line, but still maybe). However, there’s also this sense that Sangwoo doesn’t actually want him to live--that the card game is just an excuse to kill Bum.

18. think it says a lot that Sangwoo still responds to Bum’s protest via ‘patting’ him on the head rather than pulling on his hair.

If card!dude was more intuitive, then he probably would’ve noticed that something was off in the way Sangwoo was treating Bum. More leniently. Because any small variation in treatment is not a promising outlook for card!dude.

But the thing is--now that I know how the ending is--Sangwoo is just doing this as a way to fuck with the other dude. Actually he was probably proud of Bum winning so that he could further fuck with card!dude and make him taste the bitterness of false hope. Sort of like a “heh, you did better than I thought you would”.

Sangwoo does want him to live because this card game is not about ‘who’ to choose. Sangwoo has already chosen Bum. This is just a matter of how much satisfaction Sangwoo can get against his revenge on the other guy.

Though, Bum is genuinely worried because why would he think that lol. There is also this thing where Sangwoo chose to kill a pretty girl and keep him, a skinny male loser, alive. So from his stand point, Sangwoo’s choices are difficult to pinpoint. Bum also won’t see himself as more ‘attractive’ than card!dude, so he most likely was scared that Sangwoo’s choices has changed once again and he would be thrown away like CEO daughter.

19. Hmmmn...

Now that card!dude has been given a second chance and can see Sangwoo’s willingness as a show of ‘favorability’, he has more control over his anxiety (which I do think is different from Bum, who has this sort of ‘on-off’ button for his anxiety, versus card!dude who seems to have more of a ‘reduction-enlargement’ slider). He probably feels more confident.

And this is probably exactly what Sangwoo wanted, because then that will make the fall so much sweeter, the look of horror that much more gratifying.

20. Really, and there were people who wanted Sangwoo and Bum to have a happily ever after

The psychological warfare Sangwoo is putting onto Bum is so brutal that it’s really difficult to keep reading. Again, Koogi making it so that Sangwoo got better, then got worse when he realized he couldn’t handle what it means to ‘improve’, and then die...it made me respect this work so much, because nothing about this is romanticized. And furthermore, Bum didn’t die, but at the same time, he was scars that will never be able to heal. His mentality was worse in the end than it was in the beginning, which is a goddamn feat because there wasn’t much left for him to fall.

Another alternative that I saw float around was Bum and Sangwoo dying together and...no. No no no. That’s too romanticized as well. And Bum being left alive while Sangwoo dies has this very...god I don’t even know how to explain. It’s not a happy ending. For me, there’s no vindication for it because I got to see just how deeply Sangwoo was suffering, which made it impossible for me to enjoy his death despite every incredibly shitty thing he has done. It was literally just...a masterpiece. One that showed just how, really, there are places on earth that truly have no hope and the suffering only ends with death.

I usually never like nihilistic stories like these. Like seriously, there’s a reason why I avoided Killing Stalking like the plague. But after so many stories where things have a happy ending just because they MUST, it doesn’t only get tiring, but destructive for me.

And Killing Stalking is special to me because instead of showing that everything was hopeless in the beginning just BECAUSE life is hopeless, period...it shows that things could’ve gone differently because Sangwoo and Bum were never truly without hope in the beginning. Sangwoo wasn’t a classic serial killer. Bum just needed better guidance. They just needed to be given a goddamn chance, like so many people in the world in general.

Instead of outright nihilism, it’s more in line with existentialism and that things reach the point of no return if nothing is changed. Or that if there are changes, it’s the type of change that makes things worse and doesn’t allow for healing.

Anyways, I don’t quite have all my thoughts on this together, so this is something I have to revisit once I’m done reading KS.

#chapter 9 #volume 1 #again this became too long #these two need to be less...just less gdi

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tsarisfanfiction · 4 years ago

Text

Hollow VI

Fandom: Thunderbirds Rating: Teen Genre: Hurt/Comfort/Angst Characters: Virgil Tracy, Kayo Kyrano, Gordon Tracy, Kyrano, Jeff Tracy

Part 6 of my contribution @gumnut-logic‘s SensorySunday: Sixth Sense. Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

This was not supposed to happen. I had plans, but since when does Virgil listen to me? Certainly not since he realised I like to pick on Scott.

Virgil had some experience being the eldest; with both Scott and John firmly ensconced at university, corralling his two younger brothers was a skill he had been forced to master.

He’d never had to do it while his older brothers were in the house, though. Alan without fail always ran to Scott or John over him, and even though Gordon was trying to pretend he was all grown up and didn’t need his biggest brothers, he still sought them on occasion. Like tonight, and Virgil had never been more pleased to be passed over in favour of Scott. If Gordon had come to him, as he normally did, they wouldn’t have realised he’d gone out, and-

Scott had looked almost dead when Dad had carried him in. John, limp in a jaggedly way that screamed broken bones, hadn’t looked much better in Kyrano’s arms. Virgil knew that if they hadn’t been found until morning, it could have been so much worse.

This island was supposed to be their new home. Home was supposed to be safe. This wasn’t safe. Dad had warned them, but part of Virgil hadn’t taken that too seriously – just stay nearby, don’t wander off when Dad’s watching, and they’d be fine. He knew Scott had been sneaking out, but he’d always come back perfectly fine.

Until now.

Virgil wouldn’t be getting the white face of his brother, nor the worry in Dad’s eyes, in a hurry.

“Virgil?”

He was still standing in the kitchen, staring blankly at where the adults had disappeared with his big brothers. A hand curled around his, wide, warm amber eyes staring up at him, but it wasn’t Gordon that had spoken. Virgil blinked, tearing his eyes away from the empty space to meet the cool green of the only girl in the group. Alan was clinging to her tightly, and she was returning the grip in kind. Scott and John might not be her brothers by blood, but the Kyranos were still family, and Virgil was unsurprised to see that she was shaking, eyes just a little too wide.

“Den,” he managed, his voice cracking. Dad wanted them to go to the den. Virgil wanted to see his brothers, wanted to reassure himself that it wasn’t as bad as it looked, but he had three younger siblings looking up to him right now. It was time to be the big brother and with jerking limbs he forced himself to leave the kitchen and climb the stairs, Gordon’s hand still clenched firmly around his. He gripped it back tightly and the little brother that was too old for that sort of treatment any more pressed against his side.

They all piled onto a single sofa, Virgil shoulder to shoulder with Tanusha while Gordon and Alan scrabbled into their laps. He should do something, turn on the television, the radio, anything to stop the silence encroaching, but he couldn’t bring himself to move. They should maybe turn the lights on, too, rather than sitting in the dark, huddled together against the big bad world, but now that Virgil was sat down with a brother on his lap and a sister under his arm he didn’t want to move. Didn’t think he could, even if he tried.

“Are they going to be okay?” It was Alan who broke the silence, his voice barely above a whisper as though he was afraid to hear the answer. Virgil didn’t reply – how could he, when all he could see were white faces etched with pain? He wanted them to be okay, needed them to be fine when the sun rose, but he wasn’t a child anymore. Dad and Kyrano had both looked terrified, and that scared Virgil more than anything else.

He’d never seen that look on their faces before, and he never wanted to see it again.

“It’s Scott and John,” Gordon said after several long minutes, clearly realising that Virgil had nothing he wanted to say. “They’re our big brothers.” That wasn’t an answer, not when the world had already stripped them of their mother, but Alan was still young enough to take it as one regardless. One day he’d realise the world didn’t care about their family, would take and take and take no matter who they were, but Virgil wasn’t going to let it be today.

He shared a look with Tanusha, who shook her head minutely. She understood the cruelty of the world, too, but for all her brashness even she wouldn’t ruin Alan’s naivety. Not like this. Virgil hoped the world wouldn’t force him to face it anyway.

It was still dark sometime later – Virgil didn’t know how long, hadn’t been counting the minutes - when Kyrano appeared in front of them, emerging from the darkness to crouch before their huddle. Alan had fallen asleep again, too young to maintain a night time vigil, and Gordon was drowsily tucked beneath Virgil’s chin. Kyrano took all of that in with a single glance.

“How are they?” Virgil asked, his voice cracking again. “What happened?”

“They fell off a ledge,” Kyrano informed him quietly. Gordon shifted, but Alan didn’t stir. “John has a bad concussion. Both his legs are broken, as is his left arm, and his ribs are cracked, but that is nothing rest and time will not cure.”

“And Scott?”

“Battered and bruised but only one rib broke in the fall,” Kyrano began. Virgil knew that wasn’t all – he’d seen the blood dripping to the floor. “At some point he was bitten by a snake, but the antivenom is working well so that is no longer a concern.” He sighed, looking older than Virgil had ever seen him. “However, he landed on a solid piece of tree which ran him through. He was fortunate that it didn’t impact any of his internal organs, but the blood loss is severe. Your grandmother will be here by dawn.”

Virgil was grateful that the man knew better than to sugar coat or evade the topic. He’d been in enough hospitals with one accident prone brother or other to know that even as a teenager he was more likely to be humoured by the medical staff than given any straight answers. That didn’t make it any easier to hear – both his brothers were severely injured and if Grandma had been called, Dad and Kyrano didn’t think they could handle it by themselves – but Virgil was glad for the information anyway.

“Can we see them?” he asked. Kyrano frowned.

“Mr Tracy did not say you could not,” he began slowly. “But it will not be easy for you to see.”

“Alan can stay-”

“Any of you,” he clarified. Virgil glared at him. “However, a disregard of adult advice is a dominant trait in the Tracy family, so I do not doubt that you will head there as soon as my back is turned. Therefore, I will accompany you on the condition that you do not stay long.”

“I’ll stay here with Alan,” Tanusha said when Virgil nudged Gordon, getting the blond to slip off of his lap before standing up himself. Alan slumbered on, clinging to the girl. Kyrano nodded at her, and Virgil grabbed Gordon’s hand before making his way towards the medical room.

He was scared of what he’d find inside, but he had to see them for his own eyes. Had to know. Next to him, Gordon let out a quiet whimper and pressed against him.

“Not for long,” Kyrano reminded them, and they both nodded. The door slid open, revealing two occupied beds with their Dad sat between them.

The first thing Virgil noticed was that they looked peaceful, no doubt largely thanks to the thin tubes attaching them to drips. Painkillers, as well as nutrients and, in Scott’s case, a second tube leading from a bag filled with red liquid.

Gordon pulled away from him and made a beeline for their Dad, who retracted his hand from where it had been stroking John’s hair to envelope him in a hug. Virgil followed more slowly, unable to tear his eyes from Scott. He loved John, of course he did, but Scott was always the brother he’d been closest to, the one that had been there for all of his nightmares when the world got too much.

Scott’s door was always open to him, and when he walked in, his brother was somehow always awake and waiting. Even that time he’d ended up in hospital, all drugged up on painkillers after he’d been knocked off his bicycle by a car and broke his arm in two places, he’d always been awake whenever Virgil had visited.

The fact that he wasn’t awake now, that Virgil’s entrance hadn’t woken him up, was the final confirmation that Scott really wasn’t okay. He stumbled over to the bed, barely evading the equipment surrounding it, and almost crashed into his father.

“Scott…”

Dad pulled him into the embrace with Gordon, holding both of them tightly, but Virgil couldn’t look away from the still, unconscious, form of his eldest brother, even when his vision began to swim with tears he couldn’t stop.

“Scott’s a fighter,” his father reminded him. Virgil nodded blindly. “He’ll pull through.”

A sob escaped his lips and he reached out, linking his fingers lightly with the tips of Scott’s bandaged ones.

“Please wake up, Scotty,” he begged. Behind him, he felt Gordon shift and knew that he was facing John. “We need you. I need you.”

Scott didn’t react.

Part VII

#sensorysunday #sensorysunday2020 #thunderbirds are go #thunderbirds are go fanfiction #tsari writes fanfiction #virgil tracy #jeff tracy #kayo kyrano #kyrano #gordon tracy #alan tracy #john tracy #scott tracy #hollow

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nodesiretogrowup · 5 years ago

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LET’S GET READY TO RE-CAAAAAAAAP

“I have numerous science-based questions” I mean, same. It also sets up that Huey is gonna be out of his element this episode

SCROOGE HAS NO TIME FOR SCIENCE

“I AM THAT CHAMPION.” A bit full of yourself there. I couldn’t hear this line without saying “I’M. THAT. HERO.” Oh VeggieTales, you’ll always be with me

THEY ALL LOOK SO ADORABLE!!

I like that Louie does a finger gun when Scrooge gets to him

Like I said earlier, I DO NOT care Scrooge already putting pressure on these kids

Poor Dewey seems like he’s the unfavorite, which is probably how Donald felt as well

Huey makes a good point and I do NOT like how dismissive Scrooge is of the twins

That being said...they totally killed someone in battle

SOMEDAY WE’LL FIND IT, THE RAINBOW CONNECTION!

Why didn’t Launchpad crash? I know he can land w/o crashing but it’s usually when he lands in water. THIS FEELS IMPORTANT SOMEHOW though it probably isn’t

“THEY FOUND A WAY TO MAKE RAINBOWS BETTER!” God, I love Webby

“This is the best day.” WEBBY, YOU ARE REACHING CRITICAL LEVELS OF ADORABLE

Birds with beards look odd

“Yeah, sure. Of course.” Poor Huey, magic and mythology aren’t his strong point

I love that it says Odin’s Closet over the shirts. It’s the little details

“Guess Louie knows what Louie’s doing today.” And then he disappears into the shirts. I can appreciate someone who knows what they’re about

I want ALL the shirts from this episode!

“WHOA, IT’S WRESTLING!” He looks so dang happy, it’s ADORABLE

“THIS IS AWESOME!” Chanting is fun

“So these guys just copied professional wrestling?” Huey, you’re form of logic is not welcome here

Does that mean Scrooge told someone about his battles and inspired them to create pro wrestling? I’m gonna go with that

“And they will love me for it!” Dewey, sweetie, that’s only how it works half the time

I loved all the man-snake stuff. Made me giggle

Man snake be THICC. HOT DAMN

I love the little pig ref. HE’S SO CUTE

Jormungandr knows how to pump up a crowd

So, like, is everyone in the audience technically DEAD?! That makes this episode slightly darker. I dig it

I wonder if Jormungandr sees Earth’s destruction as a good thing for Earth. Like if he genuinely thinks they’d be better off in Valhalla. Or if he’s just a bastard who wants to watch the world burn

Scrooge is a bit too into playing the heel

The way Scrooge moves and the faces he makes as the Millionaire Miser remind me of Glomgold

“I watch a lot of wrestling while I fly.” “Wait, while?” This exchange always cracks me up

“Uncle Scrooge is the greatest hero of all time.” “Huh, I guess not everyone thinks so.” I feel like this is foreshadowing later events

RIP Announcer Puffin

“DIBS ON ANNOUNCING!” A dude just got KO’d bro! Have a bit of respect

And the return of the dynamic sports announcer duo. Glad Huey got his badge

I NEED MORE WRESTLING ANNOUNCER LP

Strongbeard is DOPE

“How did you know that?” “Just calling it like I see it. WRESTLING!” The real reason Launchpad knows is because he’s actually Thor but doesn’t remember. I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL

FEAR THE BEARD

“What matters is I’m doing the right thing.” I don’t know, you really seem to enjoy being a heel

This whole match is great

Dewey, there ARE NO RULES IN WRESTLING. Plus you aren’t the ref, so you can’t make that call

I have very inappropriate jokes go through my head when only one arm absorbs the beard energy

“I am so confused.” CONSTANT MOOD

DID SCROOGE NARUTO RUN AT STRONGBEARD?!

I like that Scrooge dives onto him the same way he dives into his bin

LP is so excited he pushes Huey out of the way for NO REASON

HOLY FUCK THAT DUDE THREW A CHAIR AT A CHILD!

All the bone cracking in this episode made me uncomfortable, as in my bones hurt during it

“He is such a good guy.” I’d say he’s a fair guy, not necessarily a good guy

“Which two of you will fight for me?” Webby has been waiting for this moment her WHOLE LIFE

Louie, always taking time to make that money

Who gave him a shirt cannon?!

I love that the dude comes up wearing the shirt

Dewey just slaps Scrooge in the face

Champ POPular! Too cute! I love his hair and outfit. Though I don’t think Champ POPular’s “too popular to hate.” If anything he might annoy people due to his popularity

I thought he was gonna pull out yo-yos as his “finishing touch” and I was sad when it was lollipops even though that makes more sense. BRING BACK THE YO-YOS!

“Do all the fighting and make sure he doesn’t die.” That is a valid concern

WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU! I’D KNOW IT ANYWHERE

Huey taking notes is adorable

“Just in time for the tag-team round.” “Wait, they’re playing tag now?! MAN!” I love how Danny says MAN

How does Huey not know what a tag-team is? It’s a pretty common term

I love Launchpad’s reading face

Dewey has red, blue, and green lollipops. Cute

“HE’S THROWING LOLLIPOPS BECAUSE HE THINKS WE’RE SUCKERS!” That took me off guard and I laughed so hard

“I’ve known you my whole life, I kinda knew how this would play out.” Louie is genre savvy. Perhaps too savvy. He’s gonna figure out he’s in a tv show

“More like Champ POP..ulation zero because he has no friends...in Friendtown.” I fail to see how that was any worse than LP’s “more like Champ UN-POPular.”

“WE HATE YOU NOW!” Tough crowd

Huey’s face after that. I just want to pinch his lil cheeks

WEBBY DON’T NEED NO WRESTLER NAME

It TOTALLY went over my head that they censored Hela with Hecka (at least they used her better than the MCU did. WE COULD HAVE HAD SO MUCH BETTER)

I would let her pin me to the mat and crush my skull in

“Oh, COME ON, THIS is what you like?! A creepy goth and her pet dog!” SHUT UP, DEWEY, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT! I’m surprised Webby didn’t slap him for the “creepy goth” comment seeing as Lena is goth and misunderstood

“HECKA YEAH! HECKA YEAH!” SHE’S SO COOL AND SEXY AND SHE HAS A DOG

Poor Huey, he’s doing his best. Hope he takes a shower later because he got pretty sweaty

HECKA COULD STEP ON ME AND I’D SAY THANK YOU

Why did Huey have all those corn puns?

“YOU’RE THE WORST! YOU’RE THE WORST!” It’s just not Huey’s day

“You don’t have to try to make it sound great, it already is.” Did this remind anyone else of Dewey’s “don’t overthink it” advice to Launchpad from Double-O Duck? He’s doing his best to help Huey

I WANT HECKA TO DESTROY ME

“EMBRACE THE BOOZE BOOS.”

Poor Dewey

WEBBY IS A BEAST! SHE WAS BORN FOR THIS!

“EMBRACE YOUR INNER HEEL!” Cuz being a heel is fun!

DUDE, WEBBY TOOK DOWN THE GODDESS OF DEATH WITH NOTHING BUT HER LEGS AND THIGHS! WE STAN!

I like that Fenny has knee pads on

“AW, YOU’RE SO DANGEROUS AND CUTE! I JUST WANT TO PET YOUR LITTLE BELLY!” WEBBY IS ME

“A classic ‘who’s a good boy?’ gambit!” AND I’D FALL FOR IT TOO! SUCH A GOOD BOI

“Wait, am I the Launchpad here?” Bitch, you WISH

“YOU CAN’T GIVE CANDY TO A DOG!” This is why you don’t have a pet, Dewey

“WHOA, back from THE DEAD for the QUEEN of the DEAD!”

Kind of a dick move, Louie

AIR GUITAR!

Jormungandr looks like a Masters of the Universe knock-off toy

WHO’S A GOOD BOI? YOU ARE!

“With a toxic personality” I think you’re projecting a bit, Jormungandr

How does Huey not know what a battle royale is? That is a very common term! Hell, there is a well known book and movie with that title!

“I’m just a humble, noble snake man of the people.” Why does the term snake man make me laugh so much?

WOY REFERENCE FTW

Dewey needs a hug! And some therapy would probably be a good idea

Scrooge’s speech started on a good note then went downhill FAST

“And lastly, I’ll use the dust of your bones as sweetener in my tea.” DAMN

“TOO FAR!” I DON’T THINK IT’S FAR ENOUGH! TELL HIM HOW YOU WILL BATHE IN HIS BLOOD

FUCK YEAH BEAKLEY!

SHE GAVE HIM THE CHAIR! I think this CONFIRMS Beakley as a wrestling fan

“I know we’re supposed to take over for Scrooge one day, but do you ever wonder if maybe we’re not cut out for it?” YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO WONDER THOSE THINGS AT ALL!

Louie’s like WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT!

“Be LP” My new mantra

Aw, Louie sees Dewey as a hero. Like how LP saw Drake as a hero. I think @drakepad is onto something, this scene and the fight scene seem WAAAAY too much like Drake’s intro to be just a coincidence

I keep saying this, but Louie should consider a career in motivational speaking. He knows what people need to hear

“Let’s do this!” “I don’t know.” “Let’s Dewey this?” “I’m in.”

“I’LL SHED YOUR SKIN FOR YOU!” If he hadn’t of had an old man back moment that would have been a BRUTAL CUT

OMG WAS LAUNCHPAD WEARING THAT THE WHOLE TIME? You see his clothes fly off when he jumps in the ring

“Whoa. In a COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED TWIST, the announcer was Captain Crash THIS WHOLE TIME!” LP does underground wrestling matches in his spare time, TELL ME I’M WRONG

“YOUR CATCHPHRASES ARE FORCED!” I agree, Dewey could have done WAY BETTER

I like Louie just GLARING at the dude who insulted Dewey’s catchphrase

LP looks so proud of Huey

“I don’t care at all, why should I?” Methinks the snake man doth protest too much

I like how Jormungandr’s pupils are thinner during the climax. It shows off his true nature

Dewey should have been the one to do a spin attack, ya know, cuz he’s Sonic? I’ll go now

“The Pop never Stops.” That was better

WHERE ARE ALL THESE CHAIRS COMING FROM?!

I LEGIT thought Strongbeard was gonna throw Dewey his axe and I was like Dewey wouldn’t be able to lift that

SUPER SAIYAN DEWEY! Also was that a TIGER SNARL?

I like the ice pack on Launchpad’s head. Just because he can take a lot of damage doesn’t mean that LP is immune to pain

I like that the crowd CHANGED THEIR BANNERS! Nice

LOUIE AND WEBBY LOOKED SO CUTE!

LP tearing up

“A true people’s hero” I feel like that phrase will come back in relation to other characters (cough DW cough)

Scrooge is such a little shit, it’s kind of adorable

THAT END SHOT! THAT SONG!

This was a SUPER FUN EPISODE! I couldn’t really tell where they were going and I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT! I wish we had gotten Huey in some wrestling gear but maybe next time. I like the message that doing the right thing isn’t always popular but I kind of feel like Dewey getting the crowd on his side muddled the message somewhat. Poor Dewey needs therapy or something so he doesn’t feel like he needs CONSTANT approval. Again, he’s 11 YEARS OLD and shouldn’t be put into such a serious position. LP was VIP this episode. I’m bummed we’re on hiatus again, but WHAT an episode to end on!

#ducktales #dt spoilers

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pernatius · 4 years ago

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Lost in Space Part 5: Ch 3

Ch 2

Summary: An unnamed Space Explorer must come to terms with the fate of the universe resting in her hands.

Part 1: ch 1, ch 2, ch 3, ch 4, ch 5

Part 4: ch 1, ch 2, ch 3, ch 4, ch 5

————————

Head pressed against her chest, she held me as if I wasn’t real. As if I’d disappear and when I did she’d wake up in her bed underneath a soaked pillow. Soaked because she was crying as she slept. Soaked because she wasn’t alone anymore. “I’m so sorry,” she muttered through the tears.

Moving her away from me, heartbroken, I look up to see her eyes. They’re watery with dark circles underneath. Looking at them, made me even more heartbroken. Saamuki didn’t deserve pain. She’s not like me. She doesn’t fuck up. She puts others before herself unlike me. I questioned her, “What do you mean?”

“I heard what happened. Your homeworld. Maybe if I was there I could’ve done something. I could’ve prevented it. I could only imagine what you must be feeling right now.” Her grip tightens. I can feel my cloak twist and bend underneath her grip.

“What? No. I should be the one apologizing. I broke your promise. I couldn’t save Mikrovos.”

Just a moment ago I was the bigger person, literally, even though she stood above me. Now I’m small, as I’m once again human. I felt small. Saamuki and I are about the same height, me being just an inch taller, but at this moment with how she’s looking down at me I felt like a child who’s about to be scolded by their parents. I flinched when she opened her mouth to say, “Mikrovos?” Her voice cracked. It was as if she was a teenager going through puberty. “I was wondering where he and the others were. What happened? Please, tell me what’s happened since we went our separate ways.”

She takes a seat next to me. I opened my mouth to respond but quickly shut it. I was about to emphasize that I’m the bad guy between us, but I retract it because the look in her eyes told me this isn’t the time for that. Those bags underneath them told me she’s been talked down to plenty during our separation. Saamuki deserves answers and nothing less. Besides, she’s the only one I have left. “As you may have guessed, a lot has happened.”

After retelling her everything, “Wow. I mean I knew some of it, but I never would’ve guessed all of that. Are you alright?”

“Am I alright,” I look away from her, “Yes. Sure. Maybe? But, Saamuki, are you? I broke your promise. I failed you. Mikrovos...I left him.” I clenched the sheet beneath us. She, in my defenseless state, places her hand on the very thigh that was about to be the victim of adultery. This time her intent isn’t out of lust. It’s different. It’s gentle like how a mother would touch her child. Resting it there, until I lift my head, she gives me the type of smile that says she understands. On the other hand, I don’t. I don’t understand how she can be so okay with this.

Noticing my resentment over her reaction, “I know you already. You did what you could.”

I place my hand on my chest. I clutch it. My eyes water. I’m about to cry again, but with me biting my lip I’m able to hold back my tears. “No, I didn’t. Mikrovos and the others, if any of them were in my shoes, could do it. They wouldn’t have fucked up as much as I have.”

“Well, that’s the problem. You’re not any of them. You’re you.”

“And what’s so good about being me? Tell me, Saamuki. Please. What’s so good about being the one that started a second intergalactic war?”

“Because you try your hardest even when things are against you. Even when circumstances have become impossible you always manage to do what you can to fight for things you think are right. Not many people can do that. I,” her voice lowers, “can’t. I’ve tried, but you’ve done things I’d never think of doing in a million years.”

“Saamuki?”

“With the destruction of our homeworld, my sister and I had to fend for ourselves. Some days we couldn’t eat. Some days we couldn’t sleep. We were the last of our people. We were young. We were forced into a whole new world, so to speak. My sister took whatever job she could to earn just enough for both of us to eat, but one day she got tired of it. She used her gift. She became a criminal. I didn’t like it because I didn’t want to see her one day locked up or, worse, killed. We argued. In my frustration, Cabelo found me. When my sister found out, we argued again, but that time we went our separate ways. I haven’t seen her since.” I hug her. She hugs me back. Our hug doesn’t last as long as our previous. It’s short, but I feel the same amount of burning, heartfelt emotion.

“I’m sorry. If I could do something about that I would.”

“I know you would, but that’s why I had to split up from the group. I think I found a way to bring my sister back to life.”

“What?” It’s all I can say. What else could I have said other than it sounds crazy? I don’t have a set belief in what happens once we die. I’m not too into the idea of an afterlife, like Heaven and Hell, and that there’s a higher power out there. I guess I’d be labeled as agnostic, which once again makes me an outlier. After the first invasion, the survivors either became atheists or way more religious than they previously were. Though they make up a small population, barely a million, they make up the total population in rural areas. They claimed it was to get closer to God as cities are filled with technology, sins. These people believe our innovations are what made God wipe out a good ninety-four percent of the original population. They call themselves God’s Children. If the name they chose hasn’t already revealed it yet, they’re full of themselves. They’re more full of themselves than that commander with the electric whip, or so Ashley has said. Speaking of her, this all would have sounded a lot more interesting if she told it.

“Below this building is a room only Cabelo is allowed to enter. Throughout the years I’ve worked under Cabelo I learned that I don’t know him all that much. He’s surprisingly secretive, but one night before we met I got tired of all the secrets. I seduced one of his guards and by doing so I was able to head down to the basement. I was lost. I didn’t know how long. Hours maybe. Maybe it was just a few minutes. It’s a labyrinth down there, but I eventually found a room where an unfamiliar language was spoken. I tried opening the door, but it was locked. No, actually, there weren’t any knobs on it. Not even a screen to swipe, but it was clear that the piece of the wall could be moved. So, I left. I did some digging and I found that the reason I haven’t heard that language before is that it hasn’t been spoken for thousands of years as it died with its civilization.”

I didn’t mean to sound so bitterly dismissive, but I did. “So, you think Cabelo is contacting the dead down in the basement?”

“He’s doing other stuff down there, but yes. I know it sounds completely crazy. I thought so too, but it’s the only logical conclusion I can think of.”

“I’m just trying to understand. Believe me, I am, but if you’re right how exactly are you going to bring your sister back to life?”

“Well, I was thinking that if I were to get into that room I’d be able to contact my sister or some other spirit about the process. They have to know. Someone has to by now.”

“Saamuki, these are a lot of maybes. It all just sounds impossible.” She eyes me like a child who’s spent all day scripting and practicing what they were going to ask their parents but just ends up hearing what they were trying to avoid. Essentially, she gives me wide eyes. “But you’re right. I always do what I think is right. So, I’m going to help you get into that room.”

It was more so I thought it was the most logical thing to do. Saamuki is focused on getting her sister back, I understand that. So, that’s the reason why I want to help her other than feeling guilty. For her to join and help me out again, I need to help her out first.

“Thank you, but how?”

Lending me a jacket to cover my face from prying eyes, I followed right behind her with my head down. We saw no one using the winding, long staircase. It was too late in the night for anyone to be walking about. They were too busy either doing someone or being done by someone in their rooms. Or so I thought because once we stepped into the lobby I saw the reflection of a couple on the marble floor. I wasn’t panicking. They were drunk. Very drunk. Their laughter and slurred words echoed across the lobby as they stumbled towards who knew where. Actually, I was a little panicked but calm for the most part. Because I have a clearer mind, I’m only now able to realize how truly large this place is. The glass ceiling, which is in the shape of an arch, allowed me to see the floors I had just gone through. They seemed to go on forever. I’m amazed I wasn’t panting because Saamuki’s room is on the top floor. I suppose that’s about floor eighty if I’m counting correctly. Basically, I’ve burned through a lot of staircases.

Thankfully we’re able to walk to the other side of the room without a hitch. That is until a deep voice calls out to Saamuki from the other side of the hallway.

Both turning around to the culprit with my head still down, I eye a figure who’s just as big as Mikrovos. He’s wide and bulky. Sprinkles of grey hair can be seen in the sea of their black hair. He shares the same uniform as Cabelo’s guards, but a blood-red sash had been swung diagonally across his suit. “Saamuki, what are you doing here? You know you’re not allowed in this area.”

Walking towards him, she places her left hand behind his back and her other hand on his chest. She looks at him as she slides her hand down. He, in return, blushes. “Lucy, you know I get so bored sometimes. I know every inch of this place, but not down there,” she whined with a moan.

As she’s about to unbuckle his belt, he can barely muster words. “Y-You know I c-can’t just do that. I’m not even allowed down there. And, S-Saamuki, who’s that behind you?” He looks over her shoulder and looks at me. I gulp. In response, she moves his head so that he’s facing her again.

“Lucy, don’t be such a bore. I’ve seen how you look at me. I know how I make you feel. Remember that night? I could make you feel like that again.” She whispers that last part under her breath.

“No, Saamuki. Maybe some other time. You know somewhere else, but I can’t do that again. We almost got caught. If we were my wife would’ve found out. My kids. Oh, God, Saamuki. I love them. I can’t bear to never see them again.”

As they bantered, I could hear someone closing in on us. So, I changed the plan and pointed my gun at the hulking figure that is Lucy. Raising both of his hands and looking shocked, but offended at Saamuki, I command before he gets the chance to speak his mind, “Let us through that door or I’m going to make sure that you really never get to see your kids again.”

Saamuki is surprised by the sudden tension I caused. She knows that this isn’t me. She knows I don’t usually act this way, but I think she notices the footsteps too, which allows her to trust me. Or she just thinks I’m really on the edge because I’ve told her I only act this way when I am. Or both. Whatever went through my reptilian companion’s mind isn’t my focus. It’s getting the now sweating Lucy to comply before we find out who’s footsteps those are.

#201 #lost in space #writers #writers on tumblr #creative writing #my writing #writeblr #spilled ink #fiction #scifi #wlw #space

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riviae · 5 years ago

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so this is long & rambly but i’ve been working on this for awhile now.... anyway, starts out very introspective!regis-y but becomes geralt/regis fluff real quick lol. hope y’all enjoy:

Before crossing paths with a witcher who proved himself to be a man worth following into the very jaws of death, the seasons hadn’t meant much to Regis.

He knew the cycle of things--life and death, warmth and cold, planting and harvesting--but he was an outsider to these things just as everything else on the Continent. Time passed. Wars were fought. Blood was shed. Empires rose and fell. All the while, Regis remained, burdened by an immortal life lived alone. To take part in humanity, to love it to some extent, but disappear into the shadows when a curious eye took interest in him. When a hand reached out--something that rarely occurred, unless holding a sword, pitchfork, or torch--he knew it was time to pack up and leave, lest he get too attached.

Self-preservation, for higher vampires, was confined to the affairs of the heart and the mind--their bodies were not in danger of ruin, but memories and emotions were often ruinous for his kind.

Yet, whatever contentment he could find as a bystander to the world’s happenings and goings was dashed the moment he met Geralt. All those years ago, Regis had fled from Dillingen to his home in Fen Carn, a cottage in the midst of an elven cemetery, in an attempt at avoiding the ever-encroaching war.

And in perhaps the same cosmically infinitesimal chances of the Conjunction of Spheres occurring, Regis’ entire life changed at the sight of milk-white hair and amber cat-like eyes. He stepped out of his hiding spot, brushed away the stray leaves that clung to his clothes, and faced his destiny with a reserved, tight-lipped smile.

He’s a witcher, Regis thought, the wolf medallion at the man’s sternum sparking a tiny flame of uneasiness in the vampire’s gut. Then, a more logical thought followed: I’ve always wanted to meet a witcher under amicable circumstances and now, here one is, practically at my doorstep. What luck!

As his journey with Geralt and the hansa continued, as they traveled and fought, bled and healed, wintered in a land akin to a fairytale, Regis had a startling realization. Something had thawed inside him and he was fairly certain it was the stirrings of love. Like a change in season, like the subtle shift from winter to spring, where one wakes in the morning and sees that all the snow has seemingly melted in the night, unaware of the slowly melting ice with each sunny day until it was completely gone, so Regis was caught unaware by what he felt for the hansa--by what he felt for Geralt in particular.

Just how far would he go for these humans? How much would he sacrifice for these flickering beacons of light, here one moment, gone in the next? It was the ghost of himself--the monster he once was--that would have asked these questions. But the Emiel Regis Rohellec Terzeiff-Godefroy of the present loved his friends even more for their fragility, their tenacity in the face of a world that seemed at the ready to send them into an early grave. Love, he decided, staring at the smiling faces of the hansa at their breakfast table in Beauclair Palace, was a good enough reason to die for--and a good enough reason to live for, when he was on the cusp of nothingness. When any other sentient being would have longed for death in the throes of agony, Regis held on. For them.

Memories spilled from his head at the first touch of magic-touched flames, nails clawing helplessly at the air. Fear burned him alive, ate away at his flesh until nothing but a pillar of ash remained. It was a pain worse than anything he had felt before--worse than anything he could have ever fathomed. He was neither alive nor dead, but something grotesquely stuck in the middle, unable to pass on to the comforting abyss of oblivion.

Between the coldness of fear and not-death, between the pain of a body futilely attempting to regenerate from nothing, Regis did find some respite. He dreamed. And dreamed. And dreamed. He was transported to memories of the past, and while some were happier than others, even the painful recollections felt better than the aching emptiness that threatened to swallow his consciousness whole.

Angouleme’s encouraging laughter whenever he used one of her... unique phrases. A warning pinch from Milva when he veered too far off topic, followed by an apologetic, but brief pat of his hand. A comfortable silence between himself and Cahir as they stayed up to guard the group during the night, sharing a small tincture of mandrake hooch to pass the time. Dandelion’s rapt attention to Regis’ stories, one time so transfixed that he caught his sleeve on fire as they all sat around the campfire and didn’t even notice. Geralt telling him about Ciri, voice warm, eyes crinkled in a rare unguarded expression of fondness.

He thought back on his journal entries, the once severe, cerebral scrawl now sprinkled with mentions of the hansa.

Angouleme somehow stole a dozen baguettes from the last tavern we stopped at and took only a quarter of one for herself before distributing the rest to the unfortunate people living in the slums of the city--and I never would have noticed (her prowess as a bandit is not something to be dismissive of, regardless of her youth) if she hadn’t also tried to search through my satchel while I “slept” in the hopes of finding olive oil to spread over her bread. For a child raised by cruelty, her morals are far better than mine when I was her age--or, rather, when I was developmentally at her age. Well, better in certain respects. She’s been quite a menace to the echelon of Toussaint...

Milva means to show me how to hunt like humans do, meaning that I must learn how to be an archer. I don’t have much skill with human weapons--for nothing is as deadly as a pair of claws or teeth built to pierce and bleed flesh--but I will try my best all the same. Perhaps after this we can continue our reading lessons. For as much as she bemoans academics and learning for the sake of learning (as in things not readily helpful in her everyday survival), she is a naturally charming and brilliant pupil. Her “common sense,” as Angouleme often calls it, has kept us from harm plenty of times--which is why her ability as a student doesn’t surprise me. Now, if only she would stop climbing up a tree whenever our lessons start to bore her...

Cahir, to my surprise, has taken on the role of doing the laundry for the group. Granted, we all have very few vestments to spare, but what clothes we do have that can reasonably benefit from a soak, Cahir takes and washes in the lake. Which, while I appreciate the sentiment immensely, I still found myself mildly panicked when I went to dress in the morning and my trousers were nowhere to be found. The man is quite young, probably no more than twenty-two years, but he has an old soul, as the saying goes. I would not be surprised if he finally grows sick of war, having grown up in an Empire where bloodshed is the status quo, and decides to make his living as a fisherman or farmer after we reunite Geralt with his ward. I sincerely hope that he gets the chance.

Dandelion, ever the poet, has shown me his latest ballad. And imagine my surprise when I realized it was about me despite my immense caution on writing anything regarding higher vampires at all. It’s incredibly vapid--a shame, since he is quite the wordsmith when not preoccupied by romantic affairs--but I admit, if it were published, it would become popular within a week. He took the story of my youth and twisted it into something nearly unrecognizable, save for the titular character being named Rex. A two-crown romance with the nominative case of my name attached... perhaps this is a caution to everyone: never make friends with a writer if you value your privacy.

Geralt dozed off beside me with his head on my shoulder. Now, him sleeping close to me is not all that uncommon--we spent many nights as a company huddled around a dwindling campfire together. What was uncommon was that he sought me out--practically barged into my room--to take his late afternoon nap... all the while I remained as still as a statue, attempting to process the sudden show of affection. Toussaint had softened Geralt in a way, so much in fact, that he apparently saw no harm in falling asleep next to a higher vampire, his swords still leaning in the corner of his room. I don’t think I’ll ever tire of his unusual straightforwardness. Where others might embellish their words, dress them up (or down) to suit their agenda, Geralt forgoes words entirely, instead letting his actions speak with a refreshing honesty. I heard the “I trust you, Regis,” as clear as day.

He thought back to all the times were his cowardice had kept him from voicing his feelings and it paralleled to his past, as if he were the same blood-abusing fiend of his youth. Centuries had passed and glimpses of the same shy, timid vampire who drank blood to be accepted, to make friends, only to lose himself in addiction, still rose to the surface. Blood was no longer a problem, but the fear of otherness, of being ostracized by those he cared about, still tempered his actions. And he was absolutely tired of it.

It was then that Regis made a vow to himself: If I live, If I become whole again, I will tell him the truth. He got his chance almost a decade later, when he was as whole as anyone could be after regenerating from nothing but dust and a drop of blood.

After Dettlaff was placated, no longer a danger to himself or others, Regis visited Geralt at Corvo Bianco. It was summer then, a season that saw him at the witcher’s door just as the last of the rows of sunflowers turned towards the sunlight in the midday heat.

He knocked on the front door, politeness dictating his actions. A disheveled witcher opened the door, familiar cat-eyes widening marginally at the sight of Regis, as close to a slack-jaw moment of surprise as anyone were bound to get from Geralt.

“Expecting someone else?” Regis teased, clutching the strap of his satchel as he crossed the threshold into Geralt’s home. He gave a cursory glance about the homestead--it had been decorated fairly well since the last time he visited to drop off the mutagenerator. In fact, the interior was downright cozy, a far cry from what he imagined a witcher keep to look like.

No matter what Geralt says, his years spent on the Path have influenced him. Only someone who expects to wake in the morning would bother to decorate their home--or to have a home at all.

The witcher shook his head, long, tangled locks spilling over his shoulders as he scratched tiredly at his beard. “Wasn’t expecting anyone. Thought if it was you though that you’d let yourself in.”

Regis held his tongue, wanting nothing more than to sit Geralt down and trim his beard. He knew from their time with the hansa that the witcher preferred to be clean-shaven, but hated trimming it himself. The vampire pushed the thought aside. “While I could have simply misted through your window, I didn’t wish to give you a fright.”

“How considerate,” Geralt said, voice rough but teasing. “You chose to wake me instead of letting yourself in.”

“I assumed you’d be awake. I didn’t realize that respectable vineyard owners slept in until noon.”

Geralt rolled his eyes at the well-natured jab before walking to his room, leaving the door open behind him. Regis remained in the foyer, focusing his attention on the rather impressive collection of witcher armor that Geralt had acquired. Yet, his supernatural hearing made it impossible not to eavesdrop to some extent; he heard the rustling of fabric and the soft thud of an article of clothing hitting the wooden floor.

“Hey, Regis,” Geralt drawled.

“Yes?” he replied a beat too quickly, turning towards the open door.

“...Gonna get in here? Or do I need to invite you into every room?”

Scrambling somewhat, the vampire entered just as Geralt tugged a clean white linen shirt over himself. At meeting the witcher’s gaze, the man gave a wide grin. “You came at a good time. I’ve actually got something for you. But close your eyes first.”

“Geralt, what are you--”

“Shh. Close your eyes and hold out your hands.”

A brief flash of fond irritation flickered in Regis’ expression as he gave a long sigh, but obeyed, shutting his eyes. He listened to the tempo of Geralt’s heart-rate, the usual slow and steady rhythm having quickened by a few beats. Ah, so he’s excited, Regis mused. Even witcher mutations couldn’t rob him of the biochemistry of his sympathetic nervous system. Then, a sour thought: I hope this isn’t the last time I get to witness such a jovial mood.

The sound of his heartbeat grew stronger as the man approached, some sort of fabric draped in his arms, if the rustling earlier was any indication. Gently, Geralt placed the mystery item in Regis’ arms and backed away, the old floorboards creaking under his weight.

“Happy birthday, Regis.”

The vampire opened his eyes to see Geralt smiling warmly at him. Peering down, he couldn’t stop the look of absolute surprise upon his features, mouth agape.

“This is...” Regis trailed, fingers running delicately over the soft fabric, briefly pausing to rub his thumb against the black fur which lined the inside.

“It’s not the exact cloak, given what happened at Stygga Castle,” Geralt paused, briefly wincing at the horrid memory, “But I thought you’d appreciate a new one.”

Regis opened his mouth and then immediately closed it, unable to find the words to express how much the gift meant to him. You remembered... years passed and you still remembered.

“I know you can’t feel heat or cold like humans do, but...” he shrugged, a hint of sheepishness in his posture, a hand rising up to rub at the back of his neck. “It’s been weird not seeing you with one. You never took that damn thing off so I thought it must have meant something to you.”

“Geralt,” Regis finally replied once he found his voice again. It was the only warning he gave before the vampire laid the cloak on the bed and moved to seize the witcher in a tight embrace.

Geralt looped his arms around Regis’ back in return, chuckling. He made no attempt at ending the embrace even as the time spent pressed together stretched on. “So... guessing you liked the gift, huh?” he finally asked, leaning into the gentle swaying of their bodies.

When Regis spoke, it was barely past a whisper, but Geralt heard him all the same. “Thank you. Thank you for listening to me--for knowing me. Thank you, above all else, for being my friend.”

“I think I should be thanking you. All I got you was a cloak--but you helped bring Ciri home. Almost gave up your life. Can’t imagine that... risking your immortality for someone like me.”

“Geralt,” Regis started, pulling away to stare the witcher in the eyes, expression serious, “You are exactly the kind of person that inspires sacrifice. You have a noble heart and, despite your best attempts at proving otherwise, it is a heart full of compassion for others. I know you would have done the same if our roles had been reversed.”

The witcher was silent then. When he finally managed a response, he did so while clasping Regis’ shoulder. It was something the vampire had noticed ever since meeting Geralt again--the man was more tactile than he’d been before his regeneration. As if he was making sure that Regis was real. Alive. Of flesh and bone. Not something that would crumble at his touch or slip through his fingers like a ghostly apparition.

“I don’t know if I deserve your kind words, Regis. i haven’t always been... noble. There are things I haven’t told you about. Things that pertain to you.” At this, Geralt’s grip on his shoulder faltered and he pulled away suddenly, as if he were expecting to be hurt. “Truth is, I’ve been keeping a secret.”

Regis blinked in surprise, a retort resting on the tip of his tongue, but he paused. He noticed, for the first time, that Geralt did look genuinely nervous. Geralt had never looked nervous in his presence--at least not because of Regis. The thought left a sour taste in his mouth all the same.

The vampire took a step forward. If Geralt was also planning to tell him a long-kept secret, then he wanted to tell his own confession first. While he still had the courage to do so. “I too have kept something from you, Geralt. I hope we can still remain as close as we were after this... revelation, if you will. But I understand if you’d prefer some time away from me afterwards.”

“I doubt there’s anything you could say that would make me want you to keep your distance, Regis. Not after Stygga.”

Regis gave an attempt at a half-hearted chuckle. “Hearing you say that really warms my heart--especially the certainty in your voice--but I’m afraid that what I need to say will change the course of our relationship, for better or worse. You see, Geralt, I’m... quite fond of you.”

“I’m fond of you as well...” Geralt replied, confusion twisting his features. “Is that really your big secret?”

“Oh, for the love of--” Regis cut himself off, reaching instead with one hand to encircle Geralt’s wrist while the other cupped Geralt’s cheek. “I love you, you stubborn witcher. I’ve loved you for awhile now, really. Even before Stygga. You’re incredibly easy to fall in love with, though I see now that you’re completely oblivious to this trait.”

Regis’ hold was gentle, light--something Geralt could easily pull away from if he wished to. But he didn’t. Staring into his own reflection within the coal black of the vampire’s eyes, Geralt closed the gap between them, answering Regis’ confession with his own: a kiss.

Between kisses, Geralt paused, huffing out a short breath. “...You know, I’m feeling like a fool for not telling you that I loved you sooner, Regis.”

“Likewise. Which is not something I feel all that often.”

At this, they both laughed before resting their foreheads against each other. It had been a long road to this--to love--but it was well-earned. Later, Regis’ cloak found a home within a closet in Corvo Bianco. Though the weather in Toussaint was rarely cold enough to warrant a fur-lined cloak, Regis wore it as often as he could, but Geralt left an empty hanger in the closet all the same--just in case.

Seasons hadn’t meant much to Regis... but now, watching the morning sunlight from the bedroom window pool against the witcher’s back, he felt a tug of warmth at the first touch of Fall, at the chance of donning his cloak and the memory of the day it was gifted to him. He didn’t want to replace the painful memories, the memories of those he loved but lost, but he also knew that somewhere, surely, Milva, Cahir, and Angouleme were smiling down at them. And that was a sense of peace with his past that he wouldn’t trade for the world.

#geralt of rivia #emiel regis #tfw ur both in love but too oblivious to pick up the cues from the other person #& also take almost an entire decade to confess to each other #i swear they're both really smart intuitive ppl but put them together & it's like they have one brain cell #regis: i like you #geralt: oh i like you too. we're friends so that makes sense #regis: .....oh my god #geralt doesn't realize how easy he is to love & that's just sad™#this is basically really sad hansa thoughts that evolve into fluff w/ geralt/regis bc i have two settings & that's angst & pure happiness #so uhh yeah it really be like that sometimes #apologies for the emotional whiplash lmao #edit: i forgot the geralt/regis tag on this post alskdjfsfds #geralt/regis

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clmcl · 5 years ago

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Dramione fanfics rec (2018-2019)

Hey, guys, this is just some fics that I like. I have a similar list here if you are interested or in need of a good dramione. I don´t read much angst so these are mostly fluffy. They´re not all published in 2018-2019 but I discovered them these years. I hope you all enjoy:

An Unexpected Malfoy by RiverWriter : Once upon a time Hermione Granger literally ran into Draco Malfoy in a bookshop. His mother sees a connection between her son and the muggleborn that she can't ignore and determines to get to know the girl. An imagining of how things could have gone if Hermione had been taken under the wing of the Malfoy family. WIP

The Troublesome Thing About Time by LadyKenz347 : Draco Malfoy has just arrived from twenty years in the future and insists on speaking to his wife, Hermione Granger. The only problem is that the Draco Malfoy she knows is still the snarky, button-pushing boy upstairs-and not the man in front of her now. COMPLETE.

Diamond Heart by artemisgirl: When Hermione approaches Draco Malfoy proposing a fake relationship between the two of them as part of a scheme, he's eager enough to participate - the potential benefits outweigh any costs on his time. But as it all progresses, Draco finds himself wondering what it would be like if what was 'fake' was real. COMPLETE.

The Alkahest by Shadukiam : The Marriage Law, once enacted, has the power to destroy Hermione's perfectly normal life. Luckily, she and Ron are already planning to obey the horrific law together as a team... Until a Malfoy-shaped wrench gets thrown into the works. WIP.

The Silk Thread by LoverGurrl411 : Dumbledore's dead, the ministry's desperate and crumbling around them, and war is on the horizon-but the only war that truly matters has yet to begin: the war of hearts. In between silence and hatred lies a twisted desire that will either consume them, or help them survive Voldemort's rise to power together. Marriage Law Fic. AU Seventh Year. WIP (one of the few angst).

The Family Business by Nova5621 : Scorpius Malfoy is convinced his parents are secret agents. Fancy formal wear, stashed weapons. I mean, look at how they met! COMPLETE.

A Secret Admirer by DragonLady37 : "Who does that belong to?" Lucius asked, his tone harsh. Draco's fingers tightened around the piece of cloth as he turned to his father. He kept it tightly in his fist. "My soulmate," he growled. "You've found her?" his mother asked, hand over her mouth, tears shining in her eyes. "Finally?" DRAMIONE, AU, Veela Fic. COMPLETE.

Draco's Bad Day by Maloreiy : Draco is having a bad day. In fact, every day is a bad day because he's been trying (unsuccessfully) to convince himself he's not in love with Hermione Granger, who is engaged to Ron (the prat) Weasley. Except that all of a sudden she's not. And Draco's about to have more good and bad days than he had ever expected. WIP.

Howl For Me by Kittenshift17: The Ministry enacts a Marriage Law, magically pairing couples who'd never in a million years agree to even speak, let alone wed. Paired off with Malfoy, Hermione has to suffer the added indignity of the Ministry banning all contraception and forcing fertility treatment and aphrodisiacs on them all. Draco's secret makes it worse. WIP.

Drastic measures by hbsj: Draco's mother had a plan: Draco would marry Astoria and make perfect little heirs to the Malfoy line, he wasn't necessarily happy about it but he knew he couldn't get what he really wanted anyway so what the hell, right? Hermione did NOT agree with the plan and would literally do anything to thwart it, will she succeed? A fun/dirty five-part Dramione, rated M for smut and language. COMPLETE.

His Veela Heritage by RiverWriter : His entire world shifted and he was suddenly certain that his life was no longer really his own, it belonged to her. He could only hope she'd forgive him, could only hope she'd accept him. Because he was a veela and Hermione Granger was his mate. The only woman who had any chance of truly making him happy was the same girl he'd spent half a lifetime tormenting. Karma was a bitch. COMPLETE.

Veela For A Day by tammyfait69: 8th year fic. Pansy gets her hands on a Veela lust potion & plans to lure Draco into her bed. When her plans go to pot, & Draco gets doused with the potion instead, he becomes irresistible. What will Draco do when half his class is trying to get down his pants? Why, turn to the brightest witch in his class of course. Will Hermione help or jump him herself? COMPLETE.

A Fear of Wolves by I'm All Teeth: "Do not stray from the path again. There are terrible monsters in these woods that would like nothing more than to devour delicious little girls like you. Run along to your grandmother's house and pray stop for no one." Fairy Tales, retold. COMPLETE.

In the Arms of Her Dragon by Wolf Blossom: "Why're you crying?" Draco whispered, sitting down beside Hermione in a deserted Great Hall. Looking up at him with puffy eyes, she admitted what happened earlier at the Gryffindor Tower. Without a moment's hesitation, he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and said: "Come on, you're spending the night in the Slytherin dungeon. With me." WIP.

The Worst Date Ever by MotherofBulls: Hermione loses a bet to Draco and now has to let him take her on "the worst date in the history of the world." His words. Hermione is in for a night full of crappy pub food, a rented children's choir, and casual violence. But at some point in this rubbish heap of an evening, Hermione finds that there's more to Draco than she thought. COMPLETE.

The Trouble With Veelas by hiddenhibernian: Draco just wants to make Hermione happy. Unfortunately, telling her he is a Veela and she is his mate would achieve exactly the opposite, so he has to find another way. Nothing else in Draco's life has gone according to plan, so he ought to have known it would only go downhill from there... Veela!Draco. COMPLETE.

Shallow Draco by MykEsprit: When Draco Malfoy is cursed to see only inner beauty, he finds Hermione Granger to be the most beautiful woman in the world. How utterly predictable. Dramione. One-shot. COMPLETE.

She was Beautiful by longdistance: What if Draco had other reasons for bullying Hermione so badly in school? What if her life had depended on it? This is a story of what happens when they meet again eight years after the war. He'll begin work on healing the wounds he created. COMPLETE.

A Season of Miracles by StoriesForTheMature: Hermione must tell Draco that he is the father of a suddenly motherless child. Will he refuse his new role as a father? Not if the miracle of Christmas has anything to do with it! COMPLETE.

Who Could've Thought That by Lerysakon: "Enlighten me, Granger, as to why you are being referred to as Professor Granger." Sorting. A new professor. The children make new friends. And Hermione has something to reveal – who is this mystery man of hers? COMPLETE.

Second Time Around by Neko-Tenchi: Draco fell in love with Hermione after it was already too late. Then a contraption of Dumbledore sets Draco back in time to his first year of Hogwarts with no memories of the future, but all his future-self's instincts, feelings and love felt towards Hermione. How will he do things the second time around. Time travel story with a twist: Draco Edition. WIP.

Her Number One Fan by Peanutbuttertoast1: Hermione leaves England to start a new life...only to return to find that the world has moved on in more ways than one...and her heart is touched by an unexpected encounter with her #1 fan! COMPLETE.

What Lynx Us Together by BirdsOfAFeather92: Draimione soulmate with a twist. What happens when its voluntary? WIP.

Lines by FlyingWorldOtter: Wizards were gathered in large numbers, because when matched, a fine magical line would connect your heart to your soul mates' heart. Once you had found the person at the other end of your line you would then hold hands and a golden glow would appear around the hands and personalized rings representing the couple would appear on their finger. WIP.

Fated by Hanako A: Hermione has always thought of herself as a rational creature. However the magic of her blood won't be denied, and there's nothing she can do to stop her fall. COMPLETE.

A cornucopia of noncoincidences by muffin_reverie: She was leaving her position as a Healer for good, or at least she thought she was.“I reckon you may want to reconsider that thought about not having to heal anyone ever again.” Ron awkwardly shifted on his feet.“Because you may have just broken Draco Malfoy’s nose with your knuckles.” COMPLETE.

A Game of Chance by TheLastLynx: Hermione barely registered Harry calling out after her to let in someone he was apparently waiting for. So when she rushed out, deep in thought, she smacked straight into the tall person standing just outside the door. ‘Careful there, Granger,’ someone with a pleasant baritone said, chuckling under his breath. ‘No need to hit on me.’ Hermione’s head snapped up. The pointy face of Draco Malfoy looked down on her, something like humour brightening his pale eyes. She raised her chin, ignoring the heat in her cheeks. ‘Don’t flatter yourself, Malfoy.’COMPLETE.

A Theo-logical Dilemma by LightofEvolution: “Draco, Miss Granger is yelling at the dog in the tea room. What did he do?” Narcissa asked. “Maybe he ate her reports?” he suggested, knowing it wasn’t true. A little story about Hermione, Draco, and a black Labrador with a very human pedigree. COMPLETE.

All This Time by GirlwhoLived: It's 2007. Hermione has a job at the Ministry, a posh flat and even a new kitten. She is happy and content with what her life has become. And then Ronald Weasley appears on her doorstep. Three years ago he broke her heart and disappeared without a word. But now he has returned with every intention of winning her back. But Ron is in for one hell of a surprise. Hermione got married a year ago. To none other than Draco Malfoy. WIP.

All You Want by SenLinYu: Eighth Year at Hogwarts was supposed to be Hermione’s. And it is, just not in the way she expects. Omegaverse fic. COMPLETE.

Amateur Cartography by worksofstone: That one-night stand with Draco Malfoy was a mistake. Hermione doesn't make mistakes, or at least she isn't supposed to. She's working hard at her Ministry career, however frustrating and pointless her job may be, and she's also got to live up to everyone's expectations as Hogwarts's most famous Muggle-born and a top-tier War Hero. So, why is she still sleeping with Draco Malfoy, ex-Death Eater and infamous pureblood? And why isn't she certain that she wants to stop? COMPLETE.

Bond by HalfwayThrough: Years into the war, Hermione is trapped for an entire night between a broken wand and a Death Eater. The consequences of which will affect everything. WIP.

Calla by RiverWriter: She had been missing for more than ten years. But then she had dark magic cast on her in the Department of Mysteries, and that insidious curse did more than just injure her physically. It revealed a secret, a truth. Hermione Granger could finally be recognized as the girl she’d been at birth: Calliope Nott. WIP.

Dangerous by sunalso: Life is, at last, safe and stable for Hermione. She knows who she is and who she loves. Until something starts to follow her in the dark and she finds she might not know herself at all. WIP

Business Partners by Debboluh: Andromeda Tonks approaches Hermione with an idea to start an orphanage and community center for children and families who have been affected by Voldemort’s werewolves, other extra-magical children and families are more than welcome! But what secret is their potions master hiding? And will Hermione ever find out? Draco's mood swings are giving Hermione whiplash, first he doesn't care and then he offering his own house!? COMPLETE.

Okay, I got tired. That´s all I´ll probably do another next year (or a part 2 this year).

#dramione #dramione fanfic #fanfic rec #random #draco x hermione

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ariainstars · 5 years ago

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The Rise of Skywalker or Well, It Seems Santa Won’t Come to Us This Year

Warning... this is a long entry.

A satisfying ending to such a universally beloved story after 42 years and 9 episodes, in the hands of one of the most renowned and expert film studios in the world ought to look different. As the final chapter and with the way laid out by Rian Johnson, it could and should have been epic. But for some obscure reason, the Disney studios decided to let JJ Abrams f*** it up royally. As if they did it on purpose.

Honestly, what did we expect? Abrams is a copycat, we saw that with Star Trek, too. He can tell old stories again in a rather fresh way, but he can’t think up anything really good of his own.

I admit that at first, I didn’t like the sequels much. They seemed adamant to tear down the past, no wonder so many fans got upset. Besides, I was devastated by Han Solo’s death at the hand of his own son.

But then I warmed up to the other characters, and I said to myself that it’s not wrong to start afresh and give a new generation a chance. The old doesn’t become bad because new things come up. And our heroes Han, Leia and Luke had their happy ending; it wasn’t cancelled. It was interesting to think, “What happens after a happy ending?” (For the record, it seems war heroes do not exactly make good parents / uncles. I guess you need other qualities for that.)

Honestly, I did have a vaguely bad feeling a few weeks before TRoS came out; I couldn’t say why. Anyway, looking back there were a few giveaways that the story would end the way it did.

1. The title: “Rise of Skywalker”. Though the last of the Skywalker blood, Ben technically was a Solo (Organa-Solo to be exact). He did redeem himself, but he did not rise above it all.

2. Kylo’s light sabre is the only one which looks like a cross. Anakin was a child without a father. Both suffered terrible pains and then died - due to other people’s sins.

3. The saga’s themes are many and a lot was set up in Episodes VII and VIII. It was to be expected that one film wouldn’t be enough to wrap everything up. TLJ had a new and fresh approach; but apart from the fact that so many fans hated it, it packed the film so full of new themes and subjects that it took us as fans months to inspect it all. We should have guessed that there wouldn’t be enough time in TRoS to finish the old story, start the next one and wrap that up, too.

4. Circumstances be as they may, Kylo / Ben is still a patricide. He did evil things before, but killing Han definitively damned him. And very many people unfortunately take these films at face value and do not go into depth. If TLJ stirred up a wasp’s nest, I don’t want to know what would have happened if in TRoS he would have been redeemed and had survived, and maybe also found his happy ending. Much as I love him, from a moral standpoint it sounds somewhat ambiguous.

The Rise of Skywalker assuredly is Star Wars-y. But is that really more important than making good and uplifting films?

Rogue One was so Star Wars-y that fans almost went nuts about it; I still remember my shock when I actually watched it and found it a deeply sad, melancholy story, thematically the exact opposite of A New Hope’s joy and optimism.

Rose was detested by many fans because she was a quirky personality and so unlike Leia: no wonder she almost disappeared. And her relationship with Finn, which was set up as perfectly fitting, vanished as well: no, no, no, we always have a trio in the middle of the story. More than three heroes, that’s not Star Wars-y. Rey’s spunky, sassy personality reminds of Leia, so she is seen as Star Wars-y. And fans couldn’t accept that she comes from nowhere because in Star Wars it has to turn out that you’re related to someone: so she had to be Palpatine’s granddaughter (ugh) and Saint Rey at the same time.

Fans were hurt by Han Solo’s death in TFA, but at least got to see him being cool and swashbuckling. Luke died in TLJ, but as far as I know fans didn’t send a petition to Disney asking to take TFA from canon: they only did so after TLJ. Reason? Because as it seems, they could forgive anything that was done to Han, but not Luke’s green milk.

Ben Solo, the last of the Skywalker blood, was judged an unworthy heir to Darth Vader due to his emotionality, that’s why everybody left him to rot in a pit. Who hated him for being a “whiny sissy” at least will be content now.

As for us, who have looked more in depth at the saga as a whole and its themes, we can go home with hollow hearts and feeling numb.

My compliments, JJ. You managed to destroy both the probably most famous and beloved film franchises in less than ten years. And you have spoilt our Christmas.

Worse, you have ruined the franchise for the many, many children who grew up loving Kylo Ren and Rey and rooting for their happy ending together. I have heard that a lot of parents had to bring their kids home weeping. Do you believe they will love the saga now still? They will probably only remember it as a terribly sad story and not want to have anything to do with it ever again. And this from the Disney studios, experts for children’s stories, fairy tales and happy endings. A few days before Christmas. I never would have guessed that making older fanbros happy would be so much more important. At least their heroes had their happy ending, their successes, their friendship. Ben Solo had nothing. And this was the very last episode, so we can’t even hope for the future.

I myself right now don’t know whether I can ever watch anything about Star Wars again. I was so elated, so sure of a happy ending after 9 episodes and 42 years. Now every time I will think about watching something related to SW, I will be reminded of how sadly it all ended. And with no warning, mind you. At least watching the prequels we all knew how it would end.

Rian Johnson had set everything up beautifully. I can’t believe that Disney studios and JJ can have been so blind as to not see it, they’re supposed to be experts and to be paid for storytelling. To me it was abundantly clear that

- Ben Solo’s redemption were the children (an inversion to the Jedi Temple carnage, and a parallel to Leia’s meeting with the Ewoks where she immediately became motherly)

- Rey would fall to the Dark Side something ugly and then understand that she had no right to judge Ben

- Ben and Rey would be together and have their happy ever after

- They would take care of the children together, learning from their own upbringing to be protective and understanding parents

- Ben would be the Good Father opposite to Darth Vader the Evil Father and this would “finish what he started” (excuse me, why choose an actor for the role who has Vader’s stature but whose features are the exact opposite? Who has repeatedly proven that he deals well with children in films? Why not use his potential??)

- They would start a new Jedi training or academy, where children would no longer be taught to suppress their emotions

- Rey would in this way finally find the family she craved

- Balance would mean a rainbow or a prism, not Black against White, or Grey

What I still can’t believe

I guess most of you have read some of my meta’s. They were written after thorough researc of the saga’s themes. And I still can’t believe that I got it that wrong.

Yes, as I already wrote above there still is the fact that Kylo / Ben is a patricide and that having him survive after he damned himself like that might have been a bad message. But I still believed that he was in for redemption and survival, and that he was meant to be a father figure.

What about all the messages in TLJ, which all seemed to point to the future?

- The hand-touching scene with the set-up which was exactly opposite to Anakin’s and Padmés wedding? Why did both couples have to end tragically?

- Why were enslaved children introduced in a sympathetic way, the film even ending showing one of them being a Force User and dreaming of being a Jedi? What about Anakin’s promise that he would come back and free the slaves on his planet? That promise was never kept.

- What will become of new Force Users? The last person who was taught both the Jedi and the Sith knowledge is dead.

- Why did Maz Kanata announce to Rey that “the belonging she sought was ahead of her”? She is on the planet that both Anakin and Luke ardently wished to leave. How is that belonging? She knows who she is now, but she is just as lonely and overburdened as when she started. She has not found the family she sought, and she hasn’t founded one of her own. And where’s the ocean she used to dream of?

- Rey had told Ben that “she saw his future”. What future was that? “You will be a hero for ten minutes, have almost all your bones crushed, get a kiss and then die”…?

- Why did Leia ask Han to bring their son home? He saved his soul, but as for finding home, not a chance.

- Luke had promised his nephew that they would see each other again. Nope. And both he and Leia took Rey’s side, abandoning their nephew and son in favor of the offspring of their worst enemy. This is destroying their legacy, not the green milk. Luke panicking and contemplating to kill Ben in his sleep lasted a few seconds. It is not understandable why Luke and Leia should believe in Rey while they were afraid of their own flesh and blood. Because she’s cooler, I guess.

- TRoS destroyed the Jedi’s legacy as well, respectively proved once more what terrible people they were, ready to sacrifice everything for their victory. All of them spoke to Rey, not one to Ben. As if he didn’t even exist. He wasn’t useful to them, that was all.

- After the victory of the Light Side and the Dark Side, logically Balance should have come. Where and how did we ever see this balance? Oh, the bad guy is dead again, that’s good. If at least his granddaughter was dead, then maybe the galaxy would finally have some peace! But that besotted idiot had to resurrect her. Out of love.

- In the end, who won? The Skywalker Curse. The last of their blood is dead. Their name lives on, together with the flesh and blood of Palpatine. As if all had been for nothing.

- Rey is not the winner in this story. She did not inherit the Skywalker name, tokens, emotional support, memories, lessons: she is a usurper just like her grandfather. Except that she didn’t do it on purpose.

- What is the future of the galaxy now? Rey lives, thank to Palpatine’s and the Jedi’s power and Ben Solo’s love. But what is the political future? What became of the First Order? What will become of the future Jedi, or will there be any at all? This whole mess doesn’t seem at all a reason to rejoice.

- What did Anthony Daniels mean when he twittered that the ending of the saga would contain a message for all of us? Almost everybody dies, that’s great, Merry Christmas? ☹

The Last Jedi was packed full of wonderful messages: you can be a nobody and still carve your way in life, failure is the greatest teacher, war makes unscrupulous people rich, good and bad are made-up words (you blow them up today, they blow you up tomorrow), you have to save what you love not destroy what you hate… and so on. Luke’s lesson explaining that the Force is not some kind of superpower was tremendous and necessary for all fans to hear. His confession of the Jedi’s sins and his decision that they had to end was the right conclusion after all that we learned about Anakin. But alas, the older fanbros hated each and every one of these messages and lessons. Star Wars may be for twelve-year-old, as Lucas once said. But twelve-year-olds are supposed to grow up, some day or other.

The Force Awakens had not promised anything. If you believed that the old trio would be back to kick ass, watch it again. It’s clear from the start that this time it’s up to the next generation. Our heroes had not only grown older, they were visibly tired and disillusioned. And there obviously was a whole baggage of secrets and problems to be unpacked. Did anyone honestly believe Luke would jump right back into the fray, like he was not an exile by own choice but some kind of Robinson Crusoe who simply hadn’t found home again?

The Last Jedi, by comparison, had opened a whole treasure chest of promises for love, hope, future and homecoming. And The Rise of Skywalker spat them almost all into our faces. It almost seems like the petty work of an envious man - like children who mob and publicly humiliate one particular child because it’s more intelligent and has achieved more than them.

So, what’s the moral for Ben Solo at the end - see to it that you’re not in the wrong place at the wrong time? Don’t trust anyone, not even your own family members, not even the greatest hero of your time?

Anakin won the pod race, he destroyed the star base over Naboo, he became a valiant Jedi, he married the love of his life. He once said, “This is the happiest day of my life.” But apart from a childhood that was probably more or less positive, as far as we know Ben Solo had nothing but pain and sorrow from life. He wasn’t torn from limb to limb and burned alive and then had to live on for decades, but he lost his home, his integrity and his life, merely due to… fate. Twenty years of struggle, frustration, loneliness, anger, death, sorrow and destruction. The only glimpse of hope he saw was in Rey’s eyes as they connected in TLJ, and his only moment of happiness when he sacrificed his life to save her (I will never forget that smile). Reylo was canon for a few seconds… and the SW couple with the strongest chemistry did not even get a love theme. ☹

I admit I was doubtful whether it would have been a good idea to let Ben survive and be happy after all the bad things he had done. But the message we got now is infinitely worse; and being an abuse victim myself it is a personal hurt to me. So, if you become the victim of abuse because nobody was there to help you, you are doomed and can only escape through death. And we saw nobody grieving for him, no Force Ghost among the others, no grave, no body to burn as in Vader’s case. As if he never existed. Another unsung, unhappy hero without an epitaph like the ones from Rogue One - it seems that viewers liked that, so let’s give them some more of it. Even if we’re called Disney.

The prequels look positive in this light. At least we always knew they would end as a tragedy, and there was hope in the end. Rey is left with nothing but sad memories. The prequels had a story arc; they told the story they wanted (the tragedy of Anakin Skywalker) in their own way; they were a massive, ambitious project in the style of colossal movies like The Last Day of Pompeji or The Fall of the Roman Empire. In this light they’re pretty good, the OT fans simply didn’t like them because they weren’t Star-Wars-y enough. The sequels tried to patch that up and ironically, the best sequel is the middle one, which was hated by the OT fans for trying to open the way to something new. And maybe the sequels never were meant to make a real wrap-up, to give us a satisfying happy ending; because the more fans protest, the more it will give the studios the chance to explore the possibilities for new stories. It’s in their right, I guess. But nevertheless, it leaves a bitter aftertaste.

And sorry, this whole story proves to me once more that the Jedi were nothing but petty little f***s who cared only for letting Their Side Win no matter the cost and didn’t care in the least about the human lives and happiness involved. Anakin, Luke and Ben all wanted to be pilots, not Jedi! Anakin’s tragedy was that he had to become a Jedi instead of being himself. His grandson’s tragedy was the same. He was targeted from birth not only by Snoke but also by his uncle and his own mother who saw nothing but his potential for the Force - not a young man like any other who wanted to be happy, to love and belong like everybody else. Only exception, Han. To him, his son was always simply his son, whether he was powerful in the Force or not. No wonder Ben loved Rey to death: after his father she was the only one who ever saw and loved him simply for being himself. The Jedi all spoke to Rey encouraging her to stand up against Palpatine; the last son and heir of the Skywalker was ignored by his own flesh and blood, because to them he was officially “Dark Side” and thus not interesting for the final fight. They did not even care whether Rey died after the victory; the supposed “bad guy” had to come and rescue her. Out of love, not because of her power. And the Jedi are supposed to be some kind of heroes and glowing examples. What a terrible sarcasm.

Ever heard of the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise?

No?

Try the tragedy of Ben Solo the Fucked-Up Loser Who Just Wanted to Be Himself.

What I hope for…

I want to spend my time in other ways from now on. I will read meta’s and fanfics about Star Wars still, but not so assiduously.

Maybe this entire f***up was a well-planned strategy in order to make us wish and ask for another sequel, so that the Star Wars story can go on like an endless soap opera. And the studios make money while we wait for every single scrap of news.

And yet, I can’t accept that this was supposed to be all. The saga is at its end, but is Ben Solo really finished?

Rian Johnson confirmed that he is working on a new trilogy. I can only hope that he will pick up the themes which he started in TLJ and finally give us the happy ending we craved. The next film starts in 2022 if rumors are right.

In a way, it is understandable that Ben Solo’s arc had to finish here and without a happy ending: after all he is not a Skywalker but a Solo. In the end, it was not his story. Who knows what the Force has in store for us. 😊

I would love for Johnson to come back and give our hearts what we wanted after Abrams satisfied (it seems) the fanbros of the original trilogy who hated TLJ so much. Everybody would get what he wanted; fans of OT could simply not watch / ignore the continuation and we could root for Kylo / Ben to our heart’s content. I figure that would be a fair compromise. And if it is indeed a trilogy, there would be plenty of time to explore the family / father / mother themes, and create a new life and identity for Ben. (Who, I am saying it again, assuredly deserved better.)

However, that is all in the future. I haven’t a clue what Johnson is planning, I only think that it would make sense if he explored TLJ’s themes more in depth and with more time.

I really want to pester Rian Johnson right now to give us Ben Solo’s story and to make it happy at last. (Pretty please with cherries on top. 😉)

If you are interested, there is already a petition: https://www.change.org/p/lucasfilm-continue-ben-solo-s-story

What has actually improved for me

1. In my youth I had to spend a large portion of my life under very disagreeable circumstances and I learned to zone out mentally to this or other “dream worlds” as a meaning to cope. (“Dreams Are My Reality” was my song, growing up. 😊) My life is much better now, but the tendency to zone out is still there. Now I remind myself every day that dreaming is good but that no one ought to spend so much time dreaming that his actual life passes him by. I don’t need to escape into dreams any more, I can just enjoy them. So, I feel more grateful.

2. I have learned a lot about myself these two years. I question my intelligence less and I overestimate other people less. I am less timid. I notice that I am calmer and speak slower and do more small talk. The reason: I have realized that many, many people value “coolness” most of all in fictional as well as real people and that one of my main problems is that I am oversensitive and doubtful, similarly to Kylo / Ben. No wonder he’s hated: not so much because “he did so many evil things” but because he is seen as a whiny sissy. (Vader did much worse things, but his “untouchable” attitude made up for it.) I found out that many people mistake a haughty or nonchalant attitude with strength. I don’t need to feel ashamed because I am willing to learn and develop my mind. Anyone who takes me for a fool because of this, it’s his loss. Vader was over-the-top cool, but lonely and miserable. For happiness, we need other humans. Not superhumans.

3. I have spent two very agreeable years exchanging points of view with other fans in this community and I have learned a lot about narratives. I have gone in depth in the Star Wars saga and now I appreciate it much more than before. (I actually consider watching the prequels again to get over TRoS. I never would have believed it if anyone had told me, a few years ago. 😊)

4. I feel closer to my husband. We’ve spent so many evenings apart the last two years because I was elbows-deep in Star Wars! Now we talk more, go out more and watch more films or TV shows together. (BTW, I read many fanfics were Ben and Rey had a playful, teasing relationship. Now I tease my husband more and our marriage is improved. 😊)

5. I used to laugh at who detested TLJ and / or the prequels and to think that who didn’t get the messages was just too lazy to think about them. I do not think that the original characters were ruined in these films at all, but fans who expected them to kick ass until retirement and beyond of course were disappointed. I figured that to make a credible sequel you had to lend more depth to characters and themes and couldn’t just start off again like nothing happened. Most reboots are like this and that’s why they fail: a film is not the same as a TV show. I found Star Wars’ approach more intelligent. But I disrespected other people’s hurt and irritation… and now I find myself in the same situation. I count myself lucky because I waited only 2 years and not 30 years like other hardcore fans.

We are depressed now and feel that Christmas is ruined. Hardcore OT fans must have felt the same two years ago - I remember quite a lot of meta’s and videos where people vented their rage and frustration, some going so far that they declared they wanted to abandon the franchise for good. They felt betrayed. As do we now: we feel that TLJ set up the stage for a brilliant redemption arc and love / family story, and now here we are, looking like fools.

Maybe next time we ought to be more specific with our wishes. Reylo is canon - what did that mean to you? I never hoped for Ben to be redeemed through Rey’s love, that would have been mushy. But I did of course hope for them to have a Happy Ever After. What did Bendemption mean to you? I of course hoped he would redeem himself and survive. The meanest thing about this film is that it gave us what we hoped for only to take it away again... And differently from the OT fans, we can’t say to ourselves, “Well, there’s still one film to be done, let’s hope it will make up.” Nostalgia has won. Not compassion, or the willingness to look beyond one’s nose.

Lessons learned

1. Try not to get so worked up about a film. After all, it’s just a story. It’s not our fault if studios, directors and story writers are little sh**s who like to have us build our hopes up and then deflate us.

2. Appreciate the world around you. It’s more complicated and frightening because contrarily to your dreams you can’t keep it in control. But it’s real. It makes you a more real person, and also the ones you interact with.

3. Make your own happy ending. a) That a hero you identified with didn’t get his happy ending doesn’t mean you won’t get yours. If you are already in a satisfying life situation, be grateful for what you have. If you’re not, roll up your sleeves more and do your best to escape reality less. b) Write stories that go the way you would have wanted them to.

4. Start something new to clear your head. A new project you didn’t have “time” for or perhaps not enough courage. Pour your energies into that.

5. Question yourself. Why did this story, these characters intrigue you so? You do not live in the galaxy far, far away after all. If you identify with Kylo / Ben, why? If you would like a partner like him, why? What can you do to implement your wishes into your life?

If you feel with lonely, misunderstood people, reach out in real life. The prequels were a cautionary tale about a good boy becoming a monster because he was overburdened from early age and left alone with his fears and doubts. Society had created its own monster. Don’t let us contribute to that kind of society.

I was adamant that Ben Solo was supposed to become a caring father figure in TRoS. Ironically, I have no children of myself and I don’t deal well with other people’s: I don’t dislike children, I just don’t have practice with them. If Ben didn’t get the chance to be a loving and caring figure for abandoned children, I think I ought to do something for children myself.

In the meantime, merry Christmas. We will always have each other. 😊

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chrmdnbeautiful · 5 years ago

Text

Depression... maybe TMI?

With what’s going on in our world right now, I have been seeing a lot of posts about mental illnesses. I know so many people that are affected by some mental illness and I know even more that have no idea what it’s like to be locked in with our demons.

My depression may not look like someone else’s. It might be hard for you to believe that I even suffer from it or anxiety. Believe me, you wouldn’t be the first. Depression affects everyone differently. For some, depression is no big deal, a mood... they might feel down in the dumps because of something that happened, but the feeling usually fades with time. For others it’s an illness that they have to deal with day in and day out, kind of like a persistent cough that may never go away. You can manage it, but not always be cured of it.

Some days it feels like I’m drowning. Like I’m in the middle of the Pacific trying with all my might to make it to the shore. I’m physically a strong swimmer, but sometimes, emotionally, I’m just too tired to keep swimming and I fall beneath the surface. Fighting yourself every day is utterly exhausting. My worst enemy is not some mean girl from high school who tried to ruin my life, it’s me, myself, and I. Logically, I know that devil on my shoulder, that looks and sounds just like me, is just a big, fat liar. But damn if she isn’t a convincing bitch!

There are people in my life that have a hard time believing that I’ve been fighting this illness since I was ten years old. You’re so happy all the time. Kids that age don’t even know what depression is. Ten year olds have no reason to feel hopeless, like they’re better off dead. All I can say is, tell that to any child who has suffered from trauma. There are probably a lot more than you even realize. I’ll give you that I didn’t understand what I was feeling back then, but I was sure as hell feeling it. There are people in my life that choose to look no further than the smile I plaster on my face because I don’t want to feel like a burden and they don’t want to believe I have demons inside me that I can’t defeat. Other people see what’s going on and what to help but don’t know how. I appreciate these people but sometimes they end up making things worse.

Members of my own family choose to ignore the very serious illness I have been fighting for over twenty years, the very same one that has led to three, let me say that again for the people in the back, THREE suicide attempts. They would rather believe that I’m being dramatic, seeking attention rather than have a serious illness.

People try to help when they say things like it will get better or you’ll be alright. I know all of that, but in those moments when the darkness surrounds me, tries to suffocate me, I don’t feel like I will ever make it out. I will not just get over the trauma that I suffered, I will always carry that around like a scar on my heart. It’s going to take a lot of work before I can live my life without the black cloud of my abuse hanging over my head. Something I have only recently started to do willingly. Therapy only works if you want it to, I fought it for so long. The third attempt at taking my life scared me enough to seek help on my own for the first time in my life. It’s helping, but it’s not taking the pain away. I can’t make it go away, no matter how much I may want to. People just don’t seem to understand that sometimes though, I just want to scream it in their faces, but I choose not because I know they are only trying to help. I just wish they realized I can’t just snap my fingers and make my pain and anxiety disappear. That would be a cool trick if I could though, right?

My mom put me in therapy when I was twelve years old because she knew there was more to the never ending rivers of tears and constant tantrums, the separation anxiety, and the unusual social distancing. She knew that I needed more help than she could give me dealing with the big feelings left behind by the abuse I suffered for so long. She was the only one that understood that I was dealing with a weight heavier than anything I’d ever tried to carry on my own, that if we weren’t careful that weight could crush me.

My mom died when I was sixteen though, taking the one person that could see through the smiles and into my dying insides. Since then, no one has been able to help me the same way, no one can get inside the haze of self hatred to help me. My brothers, there are six of them, won’t even acknowledge there is a serious problem. I’ve been on my own in the world and in the darkness since I was sixteen. Sure, there have been people that wanted to help, but no one ever sticks around long enough to get past my walls and my trust issues, it just becomes too much of a chore. And I can’t say that I really blame them. I get tired of the shit in my head too.

People leaving is something I have grown used to. People always leave. Even my abuser chose to leave, not because he got caught or because he suddenly grew a conscience, but because he found someone else to abuse. In his words, someone better than me. I’m almost ashamed that part of me was happy that he stopped hurting me, that he found another little girl to fill my spot. Not that I wanted her to hurt, but I just wanted to stop hurting. Then there is that other part, the part I’m most ashamed of, I was sad and hurt that he chose someone else. It was like I wasn’t good enough because his attention went somewhere else. How screwed up is that?! It has become a trend in my life too, I know I deserve better than the backstabbing friends, the emotionally and sometimes physically abusive men, the lying and cheating bastards who trick me. But what if that’s all I can ever get?

My husband, who I have been with for the last ten years (married nine), doesn’t even know the extent of my deep, dark hole because I have learned my lesson in the past, if he knew too much he would leave too. My brothers choose not to know what’s going on, but even if I did tell them, they would get the lite version. I do not want to be a burden, especially to those I love.

My mom was the glue that held our family together. She was the reason we had relationships with our grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Since she passed, I’ve rarely talked to the extended members of my family. None of them know just how screwed up I am and I am never going to tell them. The stigma of mental illness is like a glaring sign in front of me, don’t tell them because they will look at you differently. There was a lot of drama surrounding my mom’s death too, which didn’t help the fragile state of our relationships. My brothers (the two oldest were hers, the rest belong to my dad) and I talk but it’s never about anything important. Well, except the one time I had to have surgery because I felt they needed to know in case I didn’t wake up. We never go too deep. It’s more like hey, how ya doing? We miss you. How are the kids? The husband? Okay, talk to you in a few months. The few times I have broached the subject with any one of my brothers about my therapy sessions, it’s always why are you going to therapy? You don’t need therapy. Life is not that hard. Our family (both sides of it, my mom’s and my dad’s) doesn’t believe in going to a stranger to fix our problems. Must be that machismo thing. Filipinos and Mexicans both suffer from it. After that though, the conversation gets too uncomfortable. They don’t want to hear the dirty details of my trauma, and I don’t really like telling them about it anyway. First, it’s embarrassing as hell and second, I’m worried about what they might think.

That’s not so much the depression but the anxiety. I worry about everything all the time. I’m worried if I’m doing something wrong. I’m worried if I’m going to say the wrong thing. I’m worried if someone is going to take something I say or do the wrong way and hate me forever. I’m worried if I’ll be about to say the right thing. I’m worried if today is the day that I wake to find that my husband has left because he decided I am too messed up to deal with. I’m worried that my children will see beyond the happy facade I try to put up mostly for their benefit. I’m worried that everyone will see me for the fraud I am, I’m not good enough but I have gotten good at faking it. What happens when Dorothy looks behind the curtain to realize the wizard is just a man? What happens when they figure out that I’ve been lying to them for the last twenty years? I do everything for him, even the simplest tasks seem to fall on my shoulders. I give everything I can to being a good mom, and I feel like I fall short every day. Every time I raise my voice to my thirteen year old daughter who has been my rock since she was born, every time I snap at my ten year old son who has ADHD, I prove that I was not cut out for this mom thing. My kids are missing out on the childhood they deserve, the kind of childhood their peers have because I can’t function like other parents. My anxiety in large groups, hell my anxiety outside of my bed, my safe zone, keeps me from taking them to do fun things or even going to the park. It’s hard to enjoy an outing when I always feel like someone is out to get me, when it’s really my mind trying to beat me down. I try to be a good friend, but my family gets most of me, I have little patience and I’m irritable so much of the time, it doesn’t take much to set me off. I try to be a good sister but there is a lot of resentment there and even more worry about how they are going to react to something I say. I don’t know if they want to talk to me, I don’t know if they only do to appease some familial obligations. I don’t know that they even like me most of the time. I know they love me, we’re family, we share blood, of course they love me. But if we didn’t share DNA would they even talk to me?

Depression and anxiety are very real. They may not look all that bad because those who suffer from them are Emmy-worthy actors. Most days, I’m smiling and look happy, laughing my butt off so much that I’ve been nicknamed Giggles at work, I constantly have people commenting on how often I smile. So much so, they notice when I don’t. On the inside though, I’m exhausted and just want to give up. To be perfectly honest, if it weren’t for my daughter I would have been dead at eighteen. She saved my life. My kids are my everything, they are the only reason I get out of bed every day to fight a new fight with my demons. They are the only reason I go to work every day. They are the only reason I eat dinner every night, because I need to feed them. They are the only reason I get in the shower every night before bed, because I need to set a good example for them. The are the only reason I force myself to act like a functioning human being. Because let’s be serious, that’s all it really is, I’m acting. Day in and day out, I pretend that I wasn’t abused for so much of my childhood, I pretend that the pain of losing the one person I could count on in the world isn’t killing me every day, I pretend that the people who have given up on me didn’t chip away at what was left of my mangled heart, I pretend that I’m happy and that my mind doesn’t constantly wonder if those around me would be better off if I was dead.

My therapists and psychiatrists always look at me funny when I say that. Well, I don’t know how your children could be better off without you in this world. That devil I mentioned earlier? She is damn good at justifying just about anything. I’m screwing them up, I’m not a good mom anyway, they’d be better off with someone else raising them. Now, I do have an angel to match that devil sitting on the opposite shoulder, but she looks and sounds a lot like my mom instead of me. She is much quieter and only speaks up when the devil seems to be winning. Which I have to say hasn’t happened as much as it used to since my babies came into this world. The angel tells me that I have to fight for my kids’ sake, til the bloody fucking end if necessary. I can’t leave them with the memory of my suicide. As shitty a mom as I am, I am still their mother and they love me. If I kill myself, I would hurt them and I refuse to do that if I can help it.

My depression maybe not look like yours, or his, or even hers, but it is a very real thing. I can’t just blink or wiggle my nose and make it all disappear. I’m not just being dramatic or seeking attention. I’m tired of pretending that I’m not broken on the inside because the people around me are uncomfortable with it. I’m sorry but just imagine what it’s like to live in my head for a moment. On the outside, I’m cool, calm even and inside, I’m wondering if I’m good enough, if the person I’m talking to is waiting for me to shut the hell up so they can walk away. I’m wondering if they’re laughing at me, storing up details to retell to others later. I’m wondering if I’m going to look down on my funeral and see them there grieving for me. I wonder all the time if I’m going to die alone because I’m not enough for the people who are supposed to love me. I’m wondering if I should just go kill myself and save the people I love the burden of dealing with me. I carry these thoughts and feelings of inadequacy with me every moment of every day. The devil on my shoulder tells me every day, multiple times a day that I won’t be missed and she is so convincing that I believe her. But then the angel is there to remind me of the babies I brought into this world and how much they still need their mama.

It’s a constant battle in my head, for every demon I slay there are three more to replace it. Constant noise and racing thoughts in my head that I can’t always control. I’m pretty good at keeping that control, but every now and then my grip slips and the proof of this illness is there for everyone to see. Oh, you’re just having a bad day, right? Except, it’s so much more than that. It’s one of those hard days where I’m not strong enough to beat the demons back. It’s like I have a bunch of marbles under a cup, I can keep them in line while I have the cup and everything is good, I can pretend that I’m normal, I can smile and laugh like I’ve never had a problem in my life. But sometimes my demons are stronger than me, they knock the cup from my hands and my marbles go in every direction and I have to figure out how to corral them back under the cup before I completely lose my shit. Sometimes, I’m just so tired of fighting my demons and I was to give in, I want to let them rip me to shreds. Sometimes, I crave the peace I would get from death. Maybe, just maybe, if I’m dead I will finally be able to breathe, to rest.

I’m sorry this was so much. I’m sorry that I shared more than any of you probably wanted to know about me. But if you know someone with depression, reach out to them. Especially at times like these, they may do a good job of hiding it, but I’ll bet their struggling. You don’t have to fix them, just let them know that they’re not alone in this big, scary place. I don’t need anyone to fix me, I don’t need anyone to fight my demons for me, but it’d be nice to have someone to hold my hand through the darkness. Imagine being on a roller coaster and the scariest part of the ride takes you through a dark tunnel. I just need someone to hold my hand through the tunnel. I just want someone there to let me know I’m not alone. Because no matter how many people suffer from the same condition, no matter how many people tell you that they’re there for you if you need them, it doesn’t feel like it. Don’t talk about it, be about it. Don’t just say you’ll be there for someone, show up. Hold their hand, let them cry on your shoulder, feed them junk food, talk about silly things just to get their minds off it, take them for an adventure even if they don’t want to go. Just be there.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. <3

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