#in this analogy Catherine would be Veronica

[ladystrallan]

18th century Heathers

[milatherese]

Come and See A New Place

Warning: Unusually extremely long post ahead. (It is V-E-R-Y long, I’m sorry)

Just returned from retreat. If I could shorten what I got out of the retreat, it would be these three words: joy, clarity, and peace.

My last post didn’t mention any unusual or surprising occurrences so I will mention those now.

At one of the churches I attended Simbang Gabi at (let’s call it “St. Tremorus”), my mom and I met two sisters. We had seen them at the church during Mass but assumed they were only visiting since there were only two of them. We were about to leave the reception when they began talking to us. Sister Therese (turned out she was the local superior!) began talking to my mom and Sister Krista (the Vocation Director – what a surprise) began talking to me. It was almost like they planned it (I think they strategized). Towards the end of our conversation, they invited me to their Come and See retreat (the one I just got back from). Since I was open, I immediately said “Yes.” And then I checked if I was available (I was). Pro tip: Check your availability before saying “Yes” to an invitation.

I rarely say this but the retreat was a life-changing experience. It was like Divine Intervention. (I would have never heard about this retreat if my mom and I didn’t choose food at the parish hall over heading home to rest. I would have never attended St. Tremorus had I not been involved with a local parish choir. I would have never been involved with a local parish choir had I not transferred schools.) I think this community is the one I had been searching for for so many years. They had a good balance between prayer and work and seem to radiate God’s love effortlessly. They all have generous hearts. Got good vibes from all of them (except for one but it turned out to be something small which is fine).

I was nervous when I arrived. I didn’t know if I would fit in with the other retreatants or if the clothes I packed followed their rules of modesty. I didn’t know if I would feel accepted. Mom and dad accompanied me. Sister Krista opened the door and welcomed us in as did Sister Ka, who was cooking dinner. I could either join the sisters in the chapel for prayer or help Sister Ka cook. Since she was by herself, I opted to help Sister Ka. Folks left shortly after that.

Dinner was some kind of soup that tasted like sinigang. Delicious, though. I didn’t eat much as I was more tired than hungry. Met my roomie, Ann, her sister, Elizabeth, and their friend, Megan. All three were from Pennsylvania. The rest of us trickled in from other parts of California – Sara, Sammy, Princess, Mimi, Abigail, Christy, Dara, and finally Kenny (who arrived a day later). There were 12 of us, like the 12 apostles.

Each day had a schedule that went something like the following:

0600 Rise 0630 Morning Prayer (or Mass) 0700 Icebreaker and Talk (or Morning Prayer) 0800 Mass (or Icebreaker and Talk) 0900 Private Prayer 1200 Lunch 1300 Free Time 1400 Spiritual Direction 1600 Evening Prayer 1700 Talk 1800 Dinner 1900 Recreation 2000 Talk 2200 Lights out and silence until after Mass

Day 1: The Search

Sister Lin led the talk. A few takeaways: • Ask God (or ask God what to ask for) • Be aware (of what God may be trying to tell you) • Answer (respond to God’s call) • Reflect on past experiences • Life is like a tandem bike (God in the front seat)

We also learned how to pray the Divine Office (thanks, Sister Anastasia). Nothing that new with regards to the history or its use in the Church.

After lunch, we had free time. Since Ann and I had already seen the guitar in the room we were staying in and the pianos throughout the house, we were itching to touch some music. I asked Sister Krista if we could use the piano and she said “yes” so we did. Christy began playing the piano – A Whole New World. It was fun, we all sang along, just the three of us. Eventually, I got to the piano and we just began jamming out to praise and worship. Ann has a good voice. About 30 minutes passed when the door opened and we all frantically stood up as we thought we were getting kicked out or were too noisy. Turned out that Sister Lin and Sister Rose just wanted to join us! Finished our free time just singing praise and worship.

Ann went first for Spiritual Direction so I had time to shower and pray. I was a little nervous and relaxed at the same time when it came time for my Spiritual Direction but it went very well. Wrote in more detail in my paper blog. Homework from Sister Ka is to “pray and discern.”

Day 2: The Call

Sister Anastasia gave a talk on the 4 different types of vocation (maybe I’ll do a separate post on this in the future). Didn’t really learn anything as I already knew most of this (I did my own research on this topic a long time ago haha). Heard about this awesome saint – St. Giuseppe Moscati. In another life I would be him.

Ate lunch with Sister Ka and Sister Lin (and one other sister but my memory is failing me at the moment). I finally got to talk to Sister Lin. I had seen her at other tables and wherever she was everyone was laughing. She was really chill, hilarious. Found out her brother joined the Divine Word Missionaries! Forgot to get his name though.

Had another jam session after lunch but this time the room was filled. Sara and Abigail played the piano as well. Favorite song during that session was Set A Fire (Abigail on piano, Ann on vocals, me on harmony).

Spiritual Direction was quite fruitful this time. Sister Ka used the analogy of a plant: We are all plants. The soil is our vocation. The flowers and fruits are how we impact others’ lives. However, we can’t produce flowers and fruits unless we are in the right soil. So, we need to ask God and let God find the right soil for us. Homework from Sister Ka is to “write down your fears.”

At around 1600 we had a talk by both Sister Krista and Sister Anastasia about the stages in formation: aspirancy (not all religious have this stage), postulancy, novitiate, temporary vows, perpetual vows. This talk definitely cleared some fears that I had written down. 

We had night prayers and then reconciliation (we didn’t know we would have this opportunity) during Taize. By this time I kinda got the hang of Divine Office. It’s not too bad. Since I had gone to confession only about a week ago, I had almost nothing to confess (for me it was confession --> Mass --> retreat; few opportunities to sin). Penance was to “pray 5 Hail Mary’s in Thanksgiving for the blessings you have received.” Taize was beautiful. It was led by Sister Lin and Sister Mary. After we all went to confession (or at least most of us), we pinned our sins (that we had written down on flash paper) onto a styrofoam heart wrapped in foil (which symbolizes Jesus’ heart – every time we sin we pierce His heart). We lit the flash paper but the flash paper didn’t do what it should have done – it looked more like our sins left permanent burnt marks on Jesus’ heart. The sisters rolled with it though and reassured us that that’s not how it actually is. Haha

Dinner was interesting. The day before, someone brought up the Norbertines, to which Princess responded with “Oh I love the Norbertines! They’re so holy–” and we all nodded. But she wasn’t finished with her thought “–and handsome!” to which we all cracked up. Turned out that the priest who hear our confessions was a Norbertine! We all kept on nudging Princess to go make her move and choose a seat next to him for dinner. She finally did, as did Ann and myself. Sister Krista, Sister Lin, and Sammy joined us at that table as well. 

After conversing, it turned out Father Clark Kent (it came up when we forgot his name and realized he wore a cape – like Superman) and I had mutual friends in religious life: Mother and Sister Elizabeth of the Norbertine Canonesses, Sister Veronica of the Trinitarians, and Sister Maria of the Carmelites! As for his love story with God, it was almost constant. He didn’t go into detail but he did mention that he took time to seriously discern and meet with a spiritual director. Wrote in more detail in my paper blog. Princess got a picture with Father Clark. I did, too, but only to show to our mutual friends that we had met.

Post-dinner was clean up time. Had the pleasure of assisting Sister Anastasia with cleaning the chapel (of the different options for cleaning the place, I really wanted to clean the chapel since that’s where Jesus is). Watered (more like “iced”) the poinsettias and wiped (not mopped because we didn’t use any liquid) the floors.

Day 3: The Response

This time, Mass was at 0800. Same wake up time but slightly different schedule. Learned how to pray with objects (thanks, Sister Anastasia). My object was a cabbage cutter / peeler. 

There are three parts to praying with objects:  1. Sit with the object for some time. What would the object say to you? 2. Sit with the object again for some more time. What would Jesus say to you about the object? 3. What is the overall message from praying with that object?

For me, it went something like this: 1. We are very similar. We are made in a unique way. We both were made for a specific purpose. 2. You have all you need to fulfill your purpose. However, the cabbage cutter / peeler cannot cut cabbages or peel food unless someone is holding it by its handle. Similarly, you have to let Me hold you and let Me use you to fulfill your purpose and touch lives. 3. In two words, trust God.

During breakfast, we found out that we would be on silent retreat at their prayer house (30 minutes away) and would return after dinnertime. We departed at 0915. Ann, Sara, Sammy, and I rode with Sister Lin. I got shotgun (Sister Lin didn’t want me throwing up in the backseat). Prayed the Rosary on the way then talked about confirmation saints in British accents and Piglatin (we reverted to plain American English after trying a few sentences). Sister Lin’s was Mama Mary and Ann’s was St. Catherine of Alexandria. Sara was much too young and Sammy was still undecided.

Once we arrived we had a mini tour of the outside area. Cute location. Sister Lin led some icebreaker games (my brain wasn’t awake yet so I didn’t do so well) before we went inside for Sister Ka’s talk on discernment. After everyone was finally gathered (I had to round up some people who were missing) and in the room upstairs (Sister Ka was saying we were like Jesus and the Twelve gathered in the Upper Room), Sister Ka began, “From this moment on, you cannot speak.”

A few takeaways from Sister Ka’s talk: • Discernment ≠ Decision-making: — Discernment: what God wants, involves prayer and reflection — Decision-making: what I want, is black and white   • Discernment is a habit: (B.U.T.) — Be aware: of the experience, movements of the soul, etc.; openness, let go and let God — Understand: the experience; continual reflection (how movements of the soul affect me) — Take action: responding in freedom • 7 Attitudes Required to Discern: 1. Openness 2. Generosity 3. Courage 4. Interior Freedom 5. Prayer and Reflection 6. Have priorities straight 7. Not confusing end with means • Questions for thought: Say someone wrote you a love letter and you responded to it 10 years later. How do you think that person feels with your much-delayed response? Each vocation is a love letter from God. How do you think He would feel if you delay responding to Him?

I might have a separate post on her talk. There was so much content.

Sister Ka’s talk was very insightful and offered a lot of clarity. Of all the talks we have had thus far, I benefitted most from her talk. I think it was during this talk that clarity in my call to religious life rose from 60% to 80%. Sister Nga had us each write down our B.U.T. It was during this that I found rebuttals to all the fears that I had written down. My fears were gone. 

After this talk we had personal prayer time and lunch. Lunch was lasagna. For some reason I was really hungry. Had two full plates for lunch. I was surprised at my appetite. I think Sister Krista was surprised as well. It was as if all that discernment suddenly made me physically hungry.

Per usual, we had Spiritual Direction. Ann went first. While waiting for my turn, I prayed and wrote in my paper blog. I got nothing. I think God was telling me “You already know what to do. What else is there for me to tell you?” I told Sister Ka this during my session with her (I’ll need to make a separate post strictly on my discernment during this retreat). She gave me pointers and told me to prepare for “turbulence from the evil spirit.” Homework from Sister Ka is to follow everything I had written down for my Take Action.

We had one last Adoration/Holy Hour and Divine Office with the sisters at the prayer house. The sisters had decorated the altar with a fishnet (not the pantyhose) and added paper fish and green paper boats on it around the nativity scene. We prayed Divine Office (thank you to Sister Joan for instructions). After this, Sister Krista guided us in meditation. We wrote down our fears on the boat then offered that up to God and got a paper fish. Each paper fish had a quote from Scripture. Mine was from Romans 12:12

Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer.

Considering my journey in discernment thus far, this Bible verse was very applicable to me.

Then came dinner. Dinner was another dish from their culture and, just like the previous dishes, it was delicious. Since we were so many, we had to set up another table. I put my food down at the other table and helped set it up. However, when I went to retrieve my plate, it had disappeared! I placed it right between Elizabeth and Dara. I didn’t want to get another plate since it would simply be a waste if I found my original plate. Sister Anastasia found out about it and helped me look for it. The whole time Dara and Maria were very quiet and played dumb. After spending about 5 minutes looking for my plate, Dara came up with my plate. Apparently, she had placed it on the chair right next to her and Sister Anastasia!  I was finally able to eat. At our table sat Sister Joan, Sister Lin, Christy, Ann, Sister Krista, Sister Mary, Sister Nga, and Princess (and perhaps one more retreatant? my memory is failing me). We had the majority of the sisters so it was fun. 

We left the prayer house post-dinner and headed back to the convent for a movie. Sister Lin hoped that we could do a little bit of praise and worship before the movie so Ann and I hit the showers as soon as we arrived. We were the first out. We went to our room to finish. It was during this time that I told her my intentions in terms of religious life. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I needed to tell someone other than my spiritual director. We broke the house rule of not conversing in the rooms. In doing so, we were delayed in coming down and missed our last chance to have a praise and worship session with Sister Lin. I regret telling Ann at that moment. I believe I could have held it in for a few more hours.

The movie we watched was The 4th Wise Man starring Martin Sheen (dad of Charlie Sheen who was a huge fan of Fulton Sheen, hence the change of his last name to “Sheen”). It was a good movie. We could all see ourselves in each of the characters. (Side note: If you are reading this, you should watch it. I may do another post on this movie.) Sister Krista and Sister Anastasia joined us for the movie. It was like they were babysitting children who were feasting on junk food haha.

After the movie Sister Krista bid us farewell (Sister Anastasia had already left) and said that we could hang out in the common room until 2200 but we asked her to stay. We were comfortable with her, especially since she had already seen all of our flaws and weird quirks and was comfortable with her own quirks. It became our mini sharing time. I think it was during this time that we all truly bonded. We went through several topics ranging from Princess’ attraction to Norbertine priests to how much we were going to miss each other. I rarely say this and feel this way but I truly enjoyed being in a room filled with women (rather these women) this time. Normally women maarte-ness (sorry, it’s Tagalog and I have no idea what it is in English) is too much for me but they were fine and weren’t maarte at all.

I brought up possibly doing the Camino de Santiago someday and a few of them said they would like to join me. Princess and Ann seem like they really want to do it with me. Problem is scheduling and flights. Princess isn’t that far from me so that won’t be a problem but she doesn’t regularly work out so she may not be fit to join. Ann lives far away and is basically in grad school so the timing may never work out. If God wills it, it will happen. (I say this but I honestly really hope doing the Camino de Santiago is something God wants me to do, too)

We finally hit the sack at 2300 and that was the end of our last full day of retreat.

Day 4: The Offering

Morning was pretty much the same despite the few differences. We were allowed to sleep in an extra 30 minutes. However, Sister Marlene accidentally rang the bell at 0600 so we didn’t really sleep in (it’s fine though as we had already awaken on our own before the bell was rung). Sister Anastasia rang the bell again at 0630. 

Another retreatant sat where I usually sit for Divine Office so I was a little disoriented. If Divine Office was an exam and not a prayer, I failed miserably. Btw, that thing psychologists tell you about sitting in one spot of the classroom and taking an exam at the same spot helps you remember things more is very true (exam tip!).

After Divine Office, we had one last talk. This time, it was by Sister Krista and it was on our offering to God. She related our offering to God to the process of gift-giving (it is a process, afterall). A few points: • When you give someone a gift, you try to figure out what they like and/or what kind of things they appreciate. The kind of gift you give is based on that person’s likes and dislikes. Same goes with God: what you offer Him is something He would truly appreciate. — Would you offer Him money? He doesn’t need that. He can have all the money in the world. Heck, He can make money grow on trees (He is the Creator) — Would you offer Him your favorite food? He doesn’t need that. — Offer Him your life and become an extension of His hands and feet to help Him touch others. • Cup of Tea example: A tea bag has no use until it is placed in water. But not just water at any temperature (cold would work but it would take a while). Hot water. When a tea bag is placed in hot water, what happens? The hot water mixes with the contents of the tea bag and makes tea. The tea bag doesn’t make tea on its own. The hot water makes tea. Similarly, sometimes we need to be put in “hot water” before we can produce something beautiful.

Breakfast was leftovers which was great since I enjoyed all the food that was previously served the past few days. Also great because it shows that they actually care about not wasting food. They try not to waste anything – quick story: Sister Lin (or Sister Anastasia?) offered me a napkin. I refused and said “I don’t want to waste it as I might not need it.” So that sister ripped hers in half and said “Yeah, we typically split ours with each other so that we won’t waste napkins.”

Post-breakfast was our Emmaus walk – choose a buddy and walk and talk about your journey with Jesus. As you probably expected, Ann was my buddy. I wish I could share the things we talked about but those are confidential. I will say this though: we both grew spiritually. The retreat was fruitful for both of us. We are grateful. We finished in time to attend Mass (walking in with Sister Marlene and Sister Ono 2 minutes before Mass began).

We walked into our section (2nd or 3rd row of the right middle section facing the altar). I sat next to Abigail (who apparently was hoping I would be able to sit next to her? nothing against it but I don’t think I’m that exciting haha). After we got situated, I looked around and guess who I saw in the first row? Sister Felicia! During one of the previous meals at the convent, I brought up Sister Felicia and her love story with Jesus as it was similar to someone else’s love story. To see her at St. Tremorus was the most surprising thing. Before Mass began, the cantor suggested we stand and greet one another. In the process, I made I contact with Sister Felicia, who looked like she was trying to figure out if I truly was Mila. For a second, it seemed like she was confident it was me and I saw a glimmer of surprise in her face but it quickly faded. I knew straightaway who she was (especially since I had just told someone about her) so I smiled. She still had the grouchy disposition she has always had, though. Oh well. 

Sister Ka was right in warning me about turbulence. I found it very difficult to stay focused during Mass. There was a family with small (and very active) children directly in front of me so it was easy for me to get distracted. I survived, though.

Lunch was a little sad as it was our very last meal where we would all be together. 

Sometime after lunch, we had our time for sharing. We each went around saying a few words (or a lot of words) about our experience during the retreat. Some had fallen away from the faith but the retreat renewed their faith. Others found out they were called to religious life. Still others found they were not called to religious life. It was a different experience for everyone. Although it was not my intention (I was just so focused on listening), I went last. I had my words formulated at the beginning of the gathering but I had forgotten them by the end. I had a few words: joy, clarity, and peace. 

After our sharing, the sisters instructed us to come closer together and leave some room behind us enough for someone to pass by. We did but as soon as we got together, we realized that the sisters were going to give us blessings. Sister Krista said “So now, we would like to give you a gift. A gift of prayer. We will give you each a blessing like this *puts hands on someone’s shoulders* and will whisper to you things that we noticed about you and words God would like to say to you.” We all scooted closer together and passed around the box of tissues. We already knew that we might cry. We closed our eyes and waited. 

It took some time before someone came to me as I was the furthest from the sides of the room. For each person that prayed over me, I knew who it was as soon as their hands touched my shoulders: Sister Ono, Mother Superior, Sister Ka, Sister Krista, and Sister Anastasia. Not all the sisters were available (some had left the previous night to lead a retreat and others had to prepare the next meal). I didn’t cry during the laying of hands but I did right after. They had prepared some gifts for each of us: baby Jesus (Sister Krista said “the greatest gift of all!”), a card saying that they had included us in their Christmas novena (I’m so glad they did), and a glass jar of succulents from the garden (again, we’re all plants in God’s garden). 

By this time, my parents had arrived (I found out they had been welcomed to the Coventry by Mother Superior). It was 1630 on the dot. We all hugged each other and shed a few tears before we let go. Princess started a group hug for me before I left. Ran upstairs to grab my things and to the chapel to grab my phone. Took a few pictures. Our faces showed that we had been crying. Got most of their numbers and we promised to keep in touch.

And that was the last day.

Thanks for reading.