#in the scribbliest sense

[warlordfelwinter]

wip wip wip

[cambriancrew]

Unlike systems with dissociative barriers, I never had any amnesia to protect me from my trauma memories. (Not saying having those barriers is good or bad or makes you privileged or disprivileged anything. Just pointing out that me and my facets didn't and couldn't work that way with our memories, as part of a thing where I write out what I've been thinking about to figure out how we became the way we are.) I held tight to those memories too, vowing to do differently when I had kids. Even wrote a lot of that shit down in my worst, scribbliest handwriting in the middle of old school notebooks to make it less likely for my parents to find it and read it. My vented rants about their double standards, their unfairness, the way they treated me. My prayers for escape. My lists of “Things I will not do when I have a teenager.”

Scoured through my memories of getting in trouble for things that weren’t my fault, and even the rare few that were, trying to find where I’d gone wrong, what I should have done so I wouldn’t get hurt again.

Not that it would matter much. I’d get in trouble for stuff that wasn’t my fault, that I didn’t do, things that didn’t even make sense, which would infuriate Librarian and she’d try to argue for us… And get us in trouble.

I tried to just zone out and be thoughtful, quiet and peaceful and peaceable, Monk’s preferred strategy. And get in trouble for not paying attention.

I tried to protect my younger siblings and friends from harm, Mama Bear’s focus and strategy… And get in trouble for “mothering” them.

Baby Bear would go the opposite route, and get in trouble for not being “responsible” or a “good role model”.

We tried to figure out who would be best when, learned to (at least try) to moderate who came out when. Spent a lot of time apparently alone in thought, all four of us facets trying hard to get along, to figure out which of us was right, which was most helpful etc.

There was never a real pattern we could depend on. So we had to all be active as much as possible, constantly in flux, constantly shifting, constantly in discussion. And we’d still get in trouble for being too much ourselves. But we were too different, too outspoken, too obstinately attached to our own individual values to blend together into a nice even balance. Always had been. Probably always will be.

We all remember the crap we went through. And hopefully with all of us working together, we can one day foster or adopt kids of our own and be better, make things better, at least for someone.