#in the same friend group i was the therapist friend so i couldn't exactly share my emotions)

[yellow-heart-anon]

"slight" vent in tags :)

(doing this here bc certain people dont know this acc.)

[snapbackslide]

tw: depression, su*c*de, grief

writing because it's the only way i know to cope

i had mentioned early october that one of my childhood friends & neighbours had passed away. i didn't go to the funeral but i heard they'd alluded to depression, so i assumed the worst. my mom confirmed that last night after she spoke to his mom.

it's been a month but it's like i'm re-living the grief from scratch. my mom was listing problems he had, as if that would explain it. i'm sure no one knew the extent of it, though they love to act like they did. i'm sure he was misunderstood, and not taken seriously.

we both come from a culture where mental health is still stigmatized. we were the same - that’s part of why it hurts so much. hearing my parents talk about it, about how his parents talk about it… like he was burdening them. i feel sick.

he had attempted multiple times before. they got him a therapist, they got him medication. he had his brothers, his girlfriend, he was a youth group leader, just about to start college. a whole life ahead of him.

i'm trying so hard not to blame the people around him, but how could i not? everyone knew, and they failed him. but how can i blame them, maybe they tried their best. and then again, who am i to say that it was fixable? the guilt is eating me alive, as if keeping in touch would have made a difference. maybe, maybe not.

i couldn't sleep last night. tossing, turning, shaking. i thought i was okay but i'm not, this is so wrong. i can't even remember the last time i saw him. in my memory he was still the little kid i knew from my old building. frozen at the age we met. when we were all freshly arrived immigrants, and we found home in each other.

he very much had youngest sibling energy. full of life, energetic, joyful, clingy, always wanted to hang out and play. that’s the memory i have of him, the kid in my family pictures. and then he became the middle child.

and thinking of his older brother, who i got along with better because he was closer to my age, calmer, a little nerdy, never showed his emotions. worried and concerned about him. and his younger brother, who is 11, who doesn’t comprehend what is going on. he will grow up with this horrible trauma.

i feel so helpless, so stupid for being upset over things that don’t matter, so out of touch. why, why wasn’t i around still, why did we stop talking, why can’t i keep in touch with people so i can check on them and watch them grow and be here. one of the things my mom told us is that he would be upset every time he went downtown and saw homeless people on the street, and that was a contributing factor. i’m so sad.

it seems the kindest souls continue to be the most troubled ones. i've relied on my faith heavily this year, and frankly it's the only thing keeping me going. that line in 'hard out here' by raye... you know the one. about being a christian and a victim. yeah. i've been relating to her a lot, and not just cause we share a birthday.

i don’t know. i don’t know where to go from here. the last few months have been heavy with grief. but like patrick said, no one really dies if the love remains. i just hope i can continue to work in the city where he chose to end his life. i hope i can continue to look at our family pictures and remember the joy more than the pain. i hope and pray for his family and the people who loved him.

i’ve never done this but i hope one day i can manage to talk to them, the deceased. in the form of prayer, or just conversation, i don’t know. for now that’s still a scary thought and i’m not exactly sure why, but maybe one day it’ll be a comforting one. i don’t know.

[mothknight42]

if you don't mind sharing, how exactly did you find out you had adhd? and how did you get through college w it?

hi anon!! not a question I expected haha, but sure, I can answer (but I rambled sorry, so putting it below the cut)

I didn't realize I had it until I got to college, mostly due to interacting with peers who also had ADHD and whose experiences mirrored mine in startling ways. I had always been a good student in terms of like, grades? But I struggled with getting ANYTHING in on time. It was like there was a mental block preventing me from doing even the most basic of things. Sitting down to focus on a simple 200 word response felt like pulling teeth despite the fact that I was objectively a good and fast writer, and pretty much every assignment I have done since middle school onward I have done at the VERY LAST MINUTE. I nearly flunked out of my first semester of college because despite having As in all my classes, I could not for the life of me get myself to write the final papers for three of my classes. My professors were kind enough to give me extensions of a full two months - and yet every single one of those papers I wrote the night before the final deadline, crying on the floor of my dorm room until 7am. I didn't understand WHY I couldn't just fucking sit down and do it. It did not help that I could focus on shit like video games for HOURS without moving. I would forget to eat, forget to sleep, forget to use the bathroom - I always felt very fucking useless and lazy, because I *could* focus, but never on the right thing. Not to mention that I could not form habits to save my life. Even now at 25, remembering to brush my teeth twice a day is like, nigh on impossible. Lol.

In college I met some friends who were diagnosed with ADHD, and all of them were pretty much like "hey your issues with hyperfixations and an inability to focus on simple necessary tasks and an inability to keep habits and so forth all are very ADHD coded my friend" and I was like "NAHHHHHHHHH. NO WAY. I'M FINE." <- words of a guy who was NOT fine

Even worse, my partner at the time had a therapist who just from stories of me was like "btw maybe you should tell your bf they probably have ADHD it could help them" which is like. Deeply fucking funny kdfsgfhdkjsal Anyway. My own therapist eventually also was like "99.9% sure you have ADHD" and I was like "sick what do I do then" and she was like "well you could get tested and get on meds" and I was like "ahahahahahahaha well I cannot afford that so nah"

I had no insurance in college and every dime I made I spent on HRT or sent it home to my family. So. I basically ignored the problem. Which. Was not helpful. Lol. Quite frankly looking back I am not sure how I managed to graduate at all. I was under severe and constant stress because of the way ADHD was ruining my life as a student. It was not fun.

I didn't really *accept* that I had ADHD though until after college, and I still have never gotten a formal diagnosis 1) because I don't have that kind of money to throw around tbh and 2) I don't need a doctor to tell me what I already know.

BUT. YOU ASKED HOW I GOT THROUGH. SO HERE ARE MY TRIED AND TRUE STRATEGIES

Whenever possible, I tried to set up parallel working sessions. I often sat with a large group of friends/peers in our library and we would work together. Having other people with me helped keep me on track, and even when I spent half the time talking, the other half I worked. Working alone I often got NOTHING done. Parallel play saved my ass on many nights and for many assignments. My junior/senior year when we had to go remote because of COVID I swapped out in person for video calls with multiple people. Same sort of vibe. Now as an adult if I want to get something done, I still hop on a video call with my friends. It helps me focus to have other people there, and the background noise of conversations is soothing almost. I don't know why, but it works.

If you can, have some sort of schedule imposed by outside forces. I really fucking suck at habit forming, and so making lists and just saying "I am going to do this then" does not work for me. But having set times I would go to class and go to work helped me manage my time better, and carve out blocks that FORCED me to work on what I needed to get done. I color coded my schedule and made sure that my class hours and work hours were regular; it made my 'free time' also more structured around those mandated times, which helped a little. It also caused me a lot of stress though. There are tradeoffs for everything I suppose.

Walking and pacing!!! This sounds nuts but like. I luv maladaptive daydreaming and have since I was a kid, so I kind of adapted that to help me with school work. If I had an essay or something I would put on some music and go for a walk or pace in my dorm room and just think about the assignment. It helped me generate ideas so when it came time to sit and focus, I had something to work with rather than staring at a blank page. I really suck at sitting still and thinking, so moving around helped me a lot.

Speaking of, I took a LOT of breaks. Which seems counterintuitive I guess, but allowing myself to get up, go get a snack, go chat with someone, etc, made it easier to come back and sit down and work rather than trying to just sit and focus and fail to focus for hours on end. I took lots of breaks but also got small pieces done in between every break, so it all added up in the end.

Anyway, sorry, this is a lot. the TLDR is I spent my schooling years either unaware or in denial of having ADHD, and it destroyed me. I wish I had accepted it sooner, and I wish I had more adults in my life that could have saw the signs and helped me.....but alas.

Even so, I developed ways to cope that I still use now. It helped me a lot to start talking to other people who also have ADHD because it made me feel less alone. I've also tried very hard to reframe my thinking of myself as lazy/useless because like, I am not either of those things! I just have a disorder that makes shit hard! GRAH!

I have no idea if any of this is helpful anon, but I hope ??? it can be. I don't want to presume anything BUT if you too are in college and struggling I am wishing you the absolute best and I hope you can find a good support system. (And if you ever want to chat, my dms are open <3)

[certaindelusionblog]

Today, my mom discovered this note at her house and returned to me. It's from who I refer to as my high school stalker.

Back in 8th grade, a boy became obsessed with me. He was friends with one of my friends. (which I later discovered he only befriended him so he could talk to me) He seemed like a sweet kid when I first met him, and being desperate for friends from recently changing schools, I befriended him, gave him my house number cause it was 8th grade, cell phones were just becoming a thing. We hung out after school in our friend group. After about a month this friendship turned to something weird.

So after about a month, I'm picking up on the crush signals from him. But as I got to know him, the more the creepiness started coming out. Saying things like he's the son of Satan. Username like darknesslover. When twilight became a thing he said he stayed outside my window at night to protect me. He confessed his feelings. I tried to reject him. He threatens to kill himself.

He threatens to kill himself, to me, in 8th grade, if I rejected him. That he needed me. I was in 8th grade. I wasn't ready for this. For someone to want to end their life, because of me. I couldn't go with that weight on my shoulders. And when I hear a guy sobbing, it just rips my heart out.

So I agree. I think we dated for maybe 2 months. I started becoming suicidal myself. He was just so depressing, and wanting a part in some creepy relationship I wanted no part of. I needed to get out, but I knew if I ended it, he would start crying and threatening to kill himself. I remember I was so scared to go to school each morning. Finally eventually my friend helps me break up with him. He ended his friendship with my friend, saying how he wanted me all to himself. He called my house that night. He would call my house every night exactly as the clock turned 9:00 PM. So he called that night, and I heard him arm a gun, and how he was about to kill himself.

I ended up agreeing to stay friends so he wouldn't kill himself. And then that when on for 2 years. Until 10th grade. He would pass me these notes, every single day in school. During class, in the halls. I started taking longer routes to my classes so I would avoid passing him in the halls. I would get anywhere from 2-4 a day, always asking for an answer, about how I felt about him, if I didn't wanna be friends why not just tell him and let him kill himself. I don't remember much from 8th-10th grade cause my brain wants to black out the trauma I went through.

Eventually I grew some balls and ended the friendship, told him I hoped he wouldn't kill himself, but I couldn't stop him anymore, it's not my problem and he's not a very good friend for putting me in that position. He is responsible for his own happiness.

And that was that. I never looked him in the eyes again, would reject and drop any notes he tried to give me. And he was still there for awhile, lurking in the background watching me. But I was free. He found a new girl to obsess over, like me who was just too nice to say no, and we started to see the same anxiety and fear in her face, and we backed her up in ending things with him.

I saved the notes for awhile, ended up collecting close to 500. We burned them in a bonfire before graduation, but I guess this one survived.

But 14 years ago, and these notes used to fill me with so much anxiety and dread, like I how I feel about bills and grocery shopping now, and now I look at this, and I'm laughing, and how ridiculous the whole situation is and how pathetic he was. How I wish I told him to fuck off the first time he started with that suicide bullshit. And I'm so glad at how far I've come and matured since then.

Anyway just wanted to share this story. If anyone is in a similar situation, tell that person to go talk to a therapist, get help, and fuck off. You are responsible for your own happiness, and they are responsible for theirs. I promise you, 99% they won't actually kill themselves, and if they actually do, that was their choice, not yours. You are not responsible. And if you feel like you're life is in danger talk to the authorities.

And if you're the person threatening to kill yourself to stay with your significant other, friendship, relationship, whatever it may be. Talk to a therapist, get help. Don't put all that weight on someone else. They're responsible for their life, they're there to grow with you, not stop their life to revolve and nurture you. You don't do that to someone you really care about.

End rant ~

[sarahfalciani]

3 years ago I was medicated out of my mind, just released from a military psych ward after having a full psychotic break, with a plan to end my life.

1 year ago today I was in the process of extracting myself from my 6 year long abusive relationship.

October 10th is my no contact anniversary. October 11th is my release date from the hospital.

Today I woke up, feeling present and grounded. I had a pretty cool dream/vision that ended up being a really cool metaphor for my coaching program that I've created for you (I'll save that story for another day's blog post). It woke me up at 0345 and I couldn't go back to sleep, so I got in my car, grabbed some Starbucks, and started driving in random circles listening to music and reflecting on my life.

I have been in therapy and worked with coaches here and there consistently since the year of my hospitalization. I have been off meds for a little over a year now. I have one successful business and another one that is taking off at a rapid rate. I'm in a master's program that I love, doing the research I've intended on pursuing since freshman year of undergrad 10 years ago. I'm a professional coach. I'm about to be a published author. I'm almost out of debt. I'm physically healthy, and have a deep love and acceptance for my mental health and dedicate time every day to my self care and my personal growth and development.

And you know, I still have days where I can't get off the couch. I still get anxiety in big groups of people. I still have some pretty deep trust issues with men & love that will take time and consistent work to heal. I still numb my emotions sometimes with one (or two) too many glasses of wine. I still cry in the shower sometimes because I just feel sad and alone. The idea of ending my life even still crosses my mind sometimes, although it's more and more rare as time goes on.

I don't get up at the same time every day. Hell, sometimes I sleep all day and work all night. I don't do the same thing every day. I don't exercise every day or follow a diet anymore. I don't follow rules or structure in any way, shape or form. Not because I made it a point to be a rebel or anything (hint: that would be choosing to follow a set of rules or structure in it's own right...) but because I made a choice to be happy doing exactly what I want every day, without judgment.

Being a leader, being a coach, being "successful" (whatever the fuck that means, anyway), having a voice doesn't mean I've got it all figured out all the time. I don't. I'm a human being who has just embraced exactly where she's at and made up her mind that she was enough exactly as she is in this moment.

It doesn't mean I'm happy all the time, or positive all the time. But I AM in tune with my needs. I AM in tune with my identity (and even that shifts & expands daily). I don't have it all figured out, but I've come a long way since my days of being in hospital-issued PJs, not allowed to write with anything more than a pencil the length of my thumb and having to ask a nurse every time I wanted a cup of water. I have come a long way since leaving my relationship.

I chose radical responsibility. Radical self love. Radical self acceptance. Radical self care. I stopped hiding and I did the work. And I show up every single day and I choose to do the work. Inside and out. The good, bad, and ugly of it.

I never not once have shut up about "that coaching thing" and now I am WELL on my way to having a fully booked coaching practice which is going to change the world, helping one person at a time to fall in love with themselves and their life exactly as it is TODAY.

Never not once will I stop sharing my story. Never not once will I not be real with y'all. Never not once will I not show up for myself, and for you. My one hope is that by sharing my experiences with the hospital, the military, my relationship, my rape, my mental health, and every other dark and twisty (and sunshine filled barrels of AWESOME) parts of my journey that you will know that you are never alone. Even if it feels like you are, you're not.

You're loved. I love you.

So with that, Happy Anniversary week to me, and thank you so much for being a part of my journey. Special shout out to the human who took me to the hospital (even when I didn't want to go. You know who you are. I owe you my life ❤) and those who visited me while I was there. Thank you to my coaches, my therapists, my family, and my friends who have been there all hours of the day and night, on the worst days AND on the best days. I'm so excited to report that the best days are happening more and more, and the VERY best is still yet to come. 🖤💫🤗

Pictures below: the cup they gave me for water in the hospital. I probably will never get rid of it. The IG post I wrote the day I was released. And a picture if me with Ro yesterday at the park.

I love you,

Sarah

P.s. If my story and my message resonates with you and you are interested in working with me:

✨

✨

✨

I have a few spots left in the beta version of my private coaching program Unapologetically You!

It's an elite, 3 month inner circle one-on-one coaching experience with me that takes you from the box you've been living in to throwing out the rulebook. You're going to get back in touch with WHO you are and what your values are, you're gonna shift the limiting beliefs and bust through blocks that have kept you small and you're going to learn how to start unapologetically showing up in your life with a focus on self love, self care, and an abundance of Queen (or King!!) Energy. I'm going to take you through the exact process that I used to go from small, broken, depressed, controlled by food, codependent in friendships & relationships, and constantly apologizing and anxious, to standing in my power as an Unapologetic Badass.

We're gonna cover money, time, body, food, relationships, friendships, family, self-esteem, business/career, guilt, shame, and anything else that is at your CORE holding you back from where (and who) you want to be.

During our 3 months together you get:

✨ One 30 minute coaching call at the start to set you up for success

✨Two 20 minute coaching calls per month after that

✨Unlimited whatsapp/messenger access for text/voice note coaching as needed

✨Journal prompts

✨PDF trainings

✨And more as we go (beta version = testing some things out. There will be some flexibility with the calls and such)

I know this program is priceless and it has been a long long LONG time coming. Literally my life's purpose. I've lived it. Breathed it. And I've been tasked by the Universe to help others along their journey.

This means the world to me. It's taken me many years, a lot of courses, coaches, mentors, therapy, trial and error, life experiences, journals, meditation sessions, brainstorming, and nights in the fetal position crying in my kitchen to finally find peace with my purpose. This is it. This is what I'm meant to unleash into the world. This is how I'm meant to lead and help others.

This is for every woman (or man) who has ever cried in the shower feeling lost and alone.

This is for me. This is for you.

If this resonated and you would like to grab a spot in the beta version (thank you in advance for being my guinea pigs!!!) DM me with any questions and let's do this shit. ❤

[moon-chlld]

vent below:

I HATE HATE HATE IT OMG.

Okay, got that off my chest, now let me explain. 

So, I LEFT my old college for certain reasons, GOOD reasons, and in order for whoever decides to read this to understand why I’m hurt right now, I am going to list them. 

THREE REASONS: First, obviously, my social anxiety disorder. I was only getting worse and worse up there by myself and knew I wouldn’t make it. Second, the group of friends I was stuck in was terrible; drama, alienation, and physically/mentally/emotionally draining. Last, I uhm, think that’s it actually aha. 

SO, the reason I am venting right now is that I have been putting off seeing anyone from my old college friend group because they made me feel horrible. Don’t get me wrong, they were VERY VERY nice and awesome friends!! I just did not fit in and because of my mental disorder, it made me think and feel ways I couldn't handle. 

So, recently one of my old college friends had hit me up to hang out a little because she was in town. Now, the friend I’m talking about has mental illnesses too, but the kind she deals with is harmful to my own. She’s very manipulative and a poisonous person, I almost became like that while there...

So anyway, I said yes because I thought maybe it’d be good to push myself (like my therapists tell me to) and see if maybe she’s changed? It’s the least I could do for her after leaving I guess (This thinking process was because of her manipulation). So I go and meet her at a Starbucks (I took control of the situation to meet at Starbucks so that I didn’t waste gas, money, or weed on her). But immediately, I can tell she’s still the same. Very unaware of other’s feelings and still very manipulative. While, yes, I never told her exactly WHY I left, only my family kinda knows why, it still doesn’t give anyone the right to make me feel like me leaving was a bad choice because I wouldn’t be able to hang out anymore. Fuck that. Don’t use me like that, I have perfectly good reasons that I’m uncomfortable with sharing with you, respect that. 

So, that’s why I’m mad, frustrated, and hurt. Because I let her in again and all she did was blame me for leaving her and ALSO blamed me for her not smoking weed anymore. “Ever since you left I haven’t smoked ONCE”, she says. Okay, it’s not my responsibility to spend money and weed on you. 

So yea, not a pleasant reunion...just made me confirm why I left even more.