#in the past 2 weeks i discovered first that the weird itchiness i get from cantelope has escalated to my throat nearly closing off

[carcinized]

i think if you have one life threatening allergy you shouldnt also be allowed to have like 30 less serious but very annoying ones

[claynatanga]

till we meet again | iwaoi

iwaoi hanahaki disease au!!

oikawa caught the hanahaki disease as he slowly discovers his love for iwaizumi. while in the middle of a late night call with one another, oikawa started coughing up petals and blood. iwaizumi, who thought that oikawa was just sick brushed it off as him just having a bad cough. later on, iwaizumi had figured out while visiting oikawa one day, that it was not just a bad cough that night that they were having a late night call. it was the hanahaki disease, that he did not believe in had happened to his very best friend. the friend that he grew up with.

will oikawa be getting the surgery and live a sad, unlovable life, or will he suffer his last weeks seeing his best friend fall in love with the manager of seijoh?

!! cw, read before continuing !! : major character death, heavy angst, mentions of blood, potential character death, cursing, hallucinations, mix of lower case and upper case, incorrect punctuations

word count : 4.6k

oikawa huffed, fishing out his phone from his pockets as he impatiently waited for his friend to answer his messages. he was waiting at the front of the school gates, he remembered he promised to iwaizumi that he would wait for him in front of the school gates so they could walk to class together, but it seems that he was running a bit late.

he was waiting for roughly 15 minutes, his legs starting to give up on him for standing so long. he groaned, moving to get his phone from his pockets again to call iwaizumi, but stopped when he saw a figure walking in the distance.

his eyes lit up, head snapping in iwaizumi's direction to wave and greet him. iwaizumi rolled his eyes, but raised a hand and waved back. oikawa was about to call out to iwaizumi, but the words fell short on his tongue as he watched seijoh's volleyball team manager approach iwaizumi. his huge grin had calmed down to a tight lipped smile, a smile that won't reach his eyes no matter how he tries as he watched them interact.

they chat for a few minutes, slowly making their way to oikawa.

by the time they're reach him, his smile had fully went and gone. his eyes didn't shine as they did earlier as he turned away from them and faced the school, the cracks of the walls seemingly much more interesting than whatever they were talking about.

oikawa started staring off to space, not being able to hear anything around him as he got lost in his own mind.

"oh, oikawa-san! i didn't see you there!" oikawa snapped out of his trance. where was he again? he let his eyes wander for a short while as they landed on the girl in front of him. oh. right. school.

"yeah haha hi" he awkwardly muttered, subconsciously letting his hand rest on the back of his neck.

iwaizumi and the manager chatted for a few more minutes, before they finally said their goodbyes and walked away from each other.

'finally, i was getting bored' oikawa thought monotonously, looking back to iwaizumi who had hearts in his eyes.

oikawa furrowed his eyebrows. what's so special about a girl? i mean, he gets it if it's his mom, or sister, or cousin but? he doesnt get it if they're just a schoolmate.

oikawa heaved a small cough, covering his mouth with his hand as he did so. when he lifted his hand back up there was a pink petal. it looked like a hydrangea petal. he remembered a small conversation that he and iwaizumi had a few years back.

"hey iwa-chan, what's your favorite flower?"

"ha? what, are you gonna get me flowers for my grave or something? i'm not dead yet loserkawa"

"what- no i'm not! i'm just asking because i'm curious! jeez mean iwa-chan." oikawa frowned, rubbing the spot where iwaizumi had hit him

iwaizumi thought for a bit, looking up at the ceiling as he does so.

"well, i suppose i like hydrangea flowers"

"the pink one?" oikawa tilted his head to the side, i curious glint in his eyes.

iwaizumi confirmed that by nodding. 

he wondered where the petal came from. did it fall from a tree? he shrugged it off, nudging iwaizumi's arm as he started walking towards the school. iwaizumi blinked, shaking off his trance, his head snapped towards oikawa, a pink tint to his cheeks. 

"oi! what was that for, shittykawa?!"

oikawa laughed, starting to jog towards the school doors.

"i can see the hearts in your eyes whenever you talk to manager-chan. you like her, don't you, iwa-chan??" oikawa teased as he saw the irk mark on iwaizumi's head grow. he didn't like admitting it, or even acknowledging it, but he knew that iwaizumi, did in fact like their volleyball teams manager. he has talked about her a few times, mentioned her name that even oikawa didn't have the time or care to even remember of.

his smile faltered once more. but when he saw iwaizumi coming at him full charge his grin went back, starting to run away from the devil like iwaizumi.

"damn you shittykawa i told you not to say that outloud!!" oikawa laughed, a little squeak coming out of the end as he tries to escape iwaizumi.

ah, what a peaceful life it is. 

a few weeks later, exams was just right around the corner, pulling at every students heads and giving them a headache. oikawa was no different.

although he did seem smart, which he was, he just wasn't keen in a few subjects.

luckily, iwaizumi liked the subjects oikawa loathed, so he asked if iwaizumi could help him in those subjects, exchanging agedashi tofu or grilled mackerel pike for the help.

iwaizumi agreed, acting all grumpy as oikawa called him through discord.

"yahoo iwa-chan!" iwaizumi grumbled a small greeting, oikawa hearing a bit of shuffling and pages turning.

oikawa chuckled.

"oi, what are you laughing at?"

"it's just the way you act all grumpy about teaching me, but i know you love teaching me cause i'm just so irresistible, arent i iwa-chan?"

"yeah, so irresistibly annoying"

"hey! mean iwa-chan!" oikawa huffed, taking out his notebooks from his bag.

he heard iwaizumi chuckle through his headset, and he smiled.

"so what do you not understand in ap history?"

"uhm, everything?"

"tch, expected from a dumbass like you"

"hey! rude! i'm not a dumbass!" oikawa coughed. petals flowing through his mouth. what was happening?

"oh come on, just admit it loserkawa" iwaizumi chuckled. iwaizumi continued to look through his notebook, not minding how oikawa was coughing so much.

"oi, 'kawa, drink some water dumbass!" iwaizumi half muttered, trying to focus on reading the contents of his notebook.

when the coughing continued, iwaizumi frowned, furrowing his eyebrows and looking up from his notebook to stare at his computer.

"hey, shittykawa, are you okay?" iwaizumi's voice was laced with concern for his friend, as he closed his notebook and placed it on his study table.

there were a few more coughs, before oikawa weakly answered;

"i'll be alright iwa-chan, don't worry."

"are you sure? you're coughing pretty bad."

"yeah, i think i just caught a cold."

"well, alright then... if something happens to you tell me immediately, if you don't i'll beat you up."

oikawa let out a small chuckle.

"i'll make sure of that iwa-chan."

now, in any other situation, that would have made oikawa's heart flutter, and his stomach burst with butterflies, but in this situation, he didn't think he could feel that at the moment. his head was aching, not because of studying, hell, he hasn't even started studying yet, but because of coughing so much in a short amount of time.

his throat felt dry, sticky with blood and itchy from small thorns. his study desk was littered with small petals of hydrangea flowers, a few thorns sticking out. his eyes felt droopy and tired all of a sudden, as if he was ready to pass out.

he shook his head.

'i can study tomorrow early in the morning' he thought to himself as he grabbed a bottle of water from his study desk. he drank a few gulps, his face scrunching up in pain as he felt the thorns scratch at his throat.

"hey, iwa-chan, is it fine if we just study tomorrow early in the morning? i'm feeling kinda tired now"

"wha- i dont think you haven't even studie-"

"yes? okay, thank you iwa-chan. i'll see you tomorrow" oikawa hurriedly left the call, as to avoid any questions or remarks from iwaizumi.

a few seconds later, a faint, calm ding ringed through his room. he peeled his eyes open to look at his computer.

iwa-chan! ʕ￫ᴥ￩ʔ (sent at 12:52 AM, February 25th)

[oi, get some rest. you don't need to study early in the morning, just try to remember what you can and write it down. drink water before you go to bed lazykawa. goodnight.]

the message read. oikawa smiled faintly, glancing at his dirty study desk.

"i'll sleep in a bit. for now, i have to clean this mess.." oikawa muttered, standing up and scooping the petals in his arms. this is going to be a pain.

by the time the exam days have ended, oikawa was exhausted. there were bags under his eyes, and his coughing was getting worse. iwaizumi didn't show it, but he worried for his friend.

"oi, oikawa! have you eaten yet?" oikawa stopped in his tracks, his head slowly turning to iwaizumi.

"uhm, no? why? is it lunch yet?"

"dumbass, what do you mean 'is it lunch yet'?! didnt you hear the bell ring?" oikawa blinked. the bell rung?

oikawa squinted his eyes and slowly shook his head.

iwaizumi sighed. 'how much sleep has this dumbass been getting? 2 hours?' he thought, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"sorry iwaizumi. i just have not been feeling well these past few days." oikawa smiled up at him tiredly.

iwaizumi was stunned. 'iwaizumi?' he thought, surprised. the name almost felt foreign to hear, even though it was the name he was born with, the name that almost everyone has called him with.

it felt weird to hear, because oikawa had only called him that when they first met. iwaizumi furrowed his eyebrows.

"iwaizumi?" he parroted his thoughts, looking oikawa in the eyes as if he could see right through him.

"what, isn't that your name?"

"well, it is, but....you never call me iwaizumi. it's always iwa-chan or something" iwaizumi had muttered, tapping his knuckles on oikawa's shared table. oikawa smiled.

"aweeee, is iwa-chan sad that i don't call him iwa-chan anymore?" oikawa chuckled, lazily hooking his head on his hand to rest for as he gazed up at iwaizumi.

"wha- are you dumb?! i was just worried about you, you asshole!" iwaizumi raged, snapping at oikawa.

oikawa let out a weak, hearty laugh. 

“yeah, i know."

it had been 2 long weeks. the petals have grown to be half of the hydrangea, the thorns bigger than before, and there started to be much more blood then the first few times he'd cough up petals. iwaizumi had been checking on oikawa almost everyday, sending him messages, calls, and voice mails. all that iwaizumi knew of oikawa's situation was that oikawa was getting sicker as the days went.

he felt like his brain was rotting, slowly turning to nothing but dust.

oikawa had have this happen happen to him before, the feeling of waves of tiredness constantly crashing down his body, his brain felt like it was melting, his legs felt like jelly, his head spinning, making his head hurt like hell.

he scratched at his throat, and hissed when he itched it for a moment too long. his room was a mess. petals scattered around with the occasional blood, and a few thorns stuck to some of the petals.

oikawa sighed. he hasn't had the energy to clean his room for a couple weeks, always feeling so nauseous and heavy whenever he got home from school. oikawa groaned, moving to lay down on his side to try and get some sleep before he started coughing up again. maybe he could get some rest before he-

the doorbell rang.

oikawa froze.

and his blood ran cold.

fuck.

he slowly sat up, gripping the futon in between his hands until his knuckles turned white. he looked around his room, seeing the mess of everything.

he let out a small groan, praying, begging to whoever was up there that it was just a delivery guy that his mom had sent to give him food.

when he got up from his futon, muttering barely even a whisper; "coming" as the doorbell impatiently rang a second time, dragging his feet to his front door, and peeking through the peep hole.

he wanted the ground to swallow him up whole.

standing there, in all of his glory, outside in casual wear was iwaizumi, holding on to a steaming plastic bag of his favorite milk bread that was bought in the small corner store in the neighborhood oikawa lived in.

"ugh, what is taking that lazykawa so long to answer the door" he heard iwaizumi mutter, before he moved to ring the doorbell once more, the sound ringing throughout his house.

oikawa froze in his place, a small blush climbing to his cheeks. he shook off the feelings and lightly patted his cheeks, calming his racing heart down before he made a move to turn the knob of the door.

when the door opened, he peeked outside, looking up at iwaizumi, then down to what he was holding, then back up at iwaizumi. this continued on for a few seconds, iwaizumi slowly growing on an irk mark as it pressed on.

"oi! aren't you gonna let me inside?!" iwaizumi questioned, his patience growing thin. he noticed oikawa froze to stare up at him, then slowly look back at his house, then quickly looking back up at iwaizumi.

"what, you got a fuck buddy hiding in there? tell them that i don't care and that to leave, you're sick"

"pfft-" he heard oikawa chuckle, before he looked back up at iwaizumi with an amused glint in his eyes, his cheeks tinted a rosy pink from the joke that iwaizumi made.

they stared at each other for a few minutes, a small smile playing at their lips.

"so are they gone now? can i come in? come on i don't want my ass to freeze here"

"pfft, iwa-chan, come on, you of all people should know that i don't have a fuck buddy cause i'm not that type of person."

"yea, yea, i know, but what's taking you so long to let me in anyway? your food is getting cold." oikawa stared at the plastic bag in his friend's hands, the steam slowly clearing. oikawa frowned, then lead his eyes away from the bag to stare up back at his friends eyes.

"my house is a mess."

"and? so is mine. we've both seen each others house and we know it's similar to a pigsty." even when iwaizumi made a joke, oikawa didn't laugh, or even crack a smile. a frown still tugged on the setter's lips, which made iwaizumi sport on a frown too.

"it can't be that bad, i'm sure my place is dirtier than yours anyway. just let me in, i don't want your food to be cold when you eat it." with a hesitant glance to his house and back at iwaizumi, oikawa slowly opened the door, stepping aside to let his visitor in.

iwaizumi took off his shoes, placing them neatly to the side while he placed the plastic bag beside him on the floor so he could work on his shoes. once he stood up to his full height, he picked up the plastic bag and took a quick look around the house.

"it isn't that bad, what do you mean it's a mess?"

"i meant my room. i haven't cleaned it ever since i got sick" iwaizumi nodded, going to the kitchen to place the bag of food on the kitchen counter. oikawa happily hopped to the bag, muttering a small "thank you" and "itadakimasu" before biting into the bread. a satisfied hum left him buzzing, already grabbing a second one to munch on.

iwaizumi lingered his stare on oikawa for a second too long, a small smile gracing his lips before he turned away and gazed at the hallway leading to the bathroom and oikawa's room.

the door to oikawa's room was opened wide, and while oikawa was busy chomping down the food that iwaizumi had bought him, iwaizumi made his way to oikawa's room, intending to close the door, but when he got there, a small, pink, almost white petal greeted him just outside of oikawa's room, a few, maybe 6, was scattered outside of oikawa's room.

iwaizumi raised an eyebrow. flower petals? outside oikawa's room? he wondered. when he crouched to pick them up and throw them away, blood was next to the petals. iwaizumi's eyes widened.

blood? who's blood?

his eyes trailed, following the blood which lead straight to oikawa's room. the room was lit up, which made it easier to see. in oikawa's room, scattered petals, thick thorns, some dangerously thin you can barely see them, and blood. some blood on his sheets, on the floor, his study desk.

oikawa peeked a head out of the kitchen to check where iwaizumi had gone to, and when he saw him just outside his room, staring straight at him with wide eyes and a pale face, that he knew right then and there, that iwaizumi hajime had known. 

they sat in thick silence in oikawa's living room, sipping on the warm tea that iwaizumi had made for the both of them. oikawa wondered when was the last time he had drank tea. it soothed his throat, and calmed his nerves. but not calm enough.

he heaved a cough deep in his chest and covered his mouth with his hand, catching the petals, thorns, and blood on his hand.

oikawa winced as he opened his hand, staring down at his hand that was full of thorny, bloodied, petals.

iwaizumi watched his expression with a frown, and turned his gaze to look at his friend's hand. he furrowed his eyebrows. iwaizumi knew that oikawa was a total love sick person, dreaming about having a girlfriend, possibly a boyfriend before high school ended. he stood from his seat and went to the bathroom to throw away the petals and wash his hands. when he came back, they sat in silence once again.

oikawa traced the rim of the cup with his finger, staring into the contents of the cup with an emotion that iwaizumi could not pin down. iwaizumi stared into his own cup, looking at his reflection as he blinked back the tears that was daring him to spill.

iwaizumi sighed.

"so how long"

"....which one?"

"how long since you've known."

"maybe a month or two ago."

".....how long?"

"......2 weeks tops"

iwaizumi grimaced. thats so little time.

"get surgery"

"no"

"why?"

"i'd rather die loving the person i fell in love with rather than dying a pitiful, long, unlovable death, iwa-chan."

he was right there.

"who is it?"

"you'll get mad if i tell you who."

"i wont"

"next time"

iwaizumi grimaced once more. when is 'next time'? when he's 6 feet under?

iwaizumi gazed up at his friend with glassy eyes, while oikawa just stared bitterly at his cup. iwaizumi looked back down, clasping his hands together.

"alright. next time it is."

iwaizumi stared longingly at the smiling picture of oikawa atop his coffin, tears brimming his eyes as he stared longer.

he averted his gaze to the ground, tears rolling down his cheeks and dropping down to the floor.

he promised oikawa that he wouldn't cry in his funeral, and instead make embarrassing jokes about him, and when oikawa laughed, saying it would piss his family off, iwaizumi couldn't care less. he wanted to make oikawa's funeral light hearted, the way he wants it to be. but he himself can't even mutter up a single word, trying to choke up his sobs as he covered his mouth with his hand.

he could imagine oikawa laughing at him in wherever he ended up in, saying that he sounded so cocky and sure of himself when he uttered bullshit to his face about his funeral as they planned it in their heads, but now he's just a crying mess, the funeral that he and oikawa planned the night before he died long forgotten as his chest tightened up, and his eyes blurred the colors and details of the world.

iwaizumi was tapped on his shoulder by his team mate, catching his attention as he looked up with fat tears rolling down his cheeks like waterfalls.

"i-iwaizumi-san... it's your turn to speak." kindaichi mumbled, holding back tears of his own. iwaizumi let his eyes wander to the front as he nodded numbly to kindaichi's words. he didn't want to speak. his throat closed up, and his hands became clammy, his heart beating out of his chest, head spinning as a headache rolled in.

he looked back down to the ground, and clenched his fist. he made his way to the front, dragging his feet behind him as he tried to collect his thoughts and words to make a speech.

once he was there, he stared. with a troubled, and lost expression, iwaizumi started speaking.

"hey, iwa-chan?"

"hm?" iwaizumi hummed, playing with the strands of oikawa's hair.

"remember when you asked me who it was?"

"yeah. are you going to tell me now?" iwaizumi questioned, grabbing oikawa's hand and playing with his fingers.

"well, you might get mad."

"i get mad at everything you do, tooru."

"so you're going to get mad when i say that i got the hanahaki disease because of you?" oikawa questioned his friend, grasping at iwaizumi's hand and holding it in his.

iwaizumi froze.

he tightened his grip on oikawa's hand.

"well,"

iwaizumi started off, hesitant in picking his words

"i cant....get mad at you for having feelings." oikawa brought their interlocked hands to his lips. iwaizumi could feel oikawa smile against his hand as he placed a chaste kiss on the exposed skin.

"why not?"

iwaizumi stayed silent, carefully watching oikawa's movements.

when oikawa turned his head to look at iwaizumi, his cheeks flared pink.

"w-what the hell are you staring at, iwa-chan?" oikawa fumbled, squeezing iwaizumi's hand. iwaizumi squeezed back as a response.

"ugh, i hate you so much" iwaizumi grumbled, holding oikawa's head in place as he planted a barely there kiss on top of his forehead.

iwaizumi didn't know why, but a memory of him and oikawa laying down on the couch, limbs tangled together in a mess had played while he was speaking.

if oikawa was here to see iwaizumi's little speech he'd laugh his stupid laugh that iwaizumi had grown accustomed to, finding comfort in his little wheezes and squeaks whenever he laughed. he would laugh at iwaizumi's sappy speech, telling him to cheer up because they're going to get his favorite food later after this is finished.

iwaizumi just bitterly chuckled at that thought.

'if'

'if is such a dumb word.' iwaizumi thought, folding his hands in front of himself as he went back to his spot before.

he thought, he could feel oikawa's presence by his side. he thought he could see oikawa's smile as he side hugged iwaizumi. he thought he could hear his low chuckle as he made a small joke about how ugly iwaizumi looked while he was crying. he thought he got a glimpse of oikawa's dumb brown hair that always looked to be in great condition no matter what. he thought he could feel him.

he thought.

.....

iwaizumi hated it here. it felt suffocating. felt like everyone was hogging up all the oxygen and leaving none for him.

so he left early.

he walked down the street, lifelessness showing clearly in his eyes. the people walking around him bumped into him, some not bothering to say sorry, some even yelling at him but he could care less.

he pulled his scarf closer to his nose, burying his head deeper into the folds of the soft cotton. he weakly huffed, eyes searching the busy street of cars for something. was it oikawa he was searching? he didn't know either.

his eyes lingered on a street lamp before wandering again, slowly blinking. eyes stopping dead on a figure in the middle of the street.

"iwa-chan!" oikawa waved, smiling brightly at iwaizumi.

iwaizumi's eyes lit up, his feet moving on its own.

he choked down a sob as he walked towards oikawa.

walking turned to jogging.

and jogging turned to running.

"shittykawa, what are you doing there! you'll get hit!" iwaizumi let out a cracked chuckle, finally a few inches away from him. he reached out to him, but oikawa dodged, laughing as he ran away from iwaizumi.

"come catch me if you can, iwa-chan!" oikawa challenged, running towards the other end of the street.

iwaizumi's eyes dilated. no, he couldn't lose oikawa again.

"t-tooru wait, no, please, don't leave me again!" iwaizumi desperately called, running after oikawa. the said person laughed giddily, turning to iwaizumi and opening his arms.

"come home iwa-chan! i miss you" oikawa managed a smile, his eyes shining brightly as iwaizumi stared into them.

"home...haha...sure, tooru." iwaizumi panted, hanging his arms around oikawa's waist.

oikawa placed his chin atop iwaizumi's head and wrapped his arms around iwaizumi's shoulders, shielding his sight from the incoming truck.

"yeah. you're home now, hajime."

ah, how cruel life is.

[ohblackdiamond]

little t&a (paul/gene, nc-17) (part 13 of 29)

part 1   part 2   part 3   part 4   part 5   part 6   part 7   part 8   part 9   part 10   part 11   part 12   part 13   part 14   part 15   part 16   part 17   part 18   part 19   part 20   part 21  part 22   part 23   part 24    part 25   part 26   part 27   part 28   part 29

Four weeks before KISS gets back on tour, Gene discovers that Paul’s been cursed by a groupie. For the sake of KISS’ finances, Paul’s comfort levels, and Gene’s libido, this crisis must be resolved. Sexswap fic. In this chapter: Paul and Gene go to the temple of mammon, Studio 54.

“You look,” Gene said, throat drier than sandpaper, “really good.”

Good was an understatement. Paul looked hot. The light blue of the dress made a good contrast against his still-suntanned skin. The neckline made up for the dress length, providing more cleavage than Gene had seen out of Paul since he’d first met him on the front porch in the bathrobe. The heels accentuated his legs—even as a guy, Paul had always had nice legs—but for maybe the first time in three days, Gene was paying more attention to Paul’s face than his body.

It wasn’t like he’d done anything wild with makeup. Blush, red lipstick, eyeshadow, mascara. Except for the eyeliner maybe being a bit heavier, it was about the same look as the night prior. But Paul seemed happier. Relaxed. There wasn’t that tightness to his jaw anymore or that tension to his mouth. And that was a surprise, given the stilted way their dancing earlier had ended. Gene thought Paul might have been sore or tetchy, or at least awkward, but he’d just carried right on. Those sad brown eyes of his didn’t look sad at all, for once, and if Gene were sentimental, he would almost have said they were sparkling.

Maybe he’d just liked sharing a few dances with Gene. And maybe tonight really was the night that this would all be over. Every bit of it. Back to normal life for them both, touring and signing and interviewing. Back to life a hotel room away from each other. He’d be stupid to regret the change. Just stupid.

“You’re not half so bad yourself, Gene.” Paul crooked his head as if he hadn’t seen variations of his outfit at least a dozen times over just this year. As if he hadn’t been suggesting half of it while Gene had asked for the clothes to be sent over. Black leather everything, including the pants—something he already was regretting bitterly. Silver accessories. A belt with a spider encased in enamel as the buckle plate. The public demanded a monster movie out of Gene even when he got off the stage.

“That’s generous.” The limo was already idling in Paul’s driveway. “You ready?”

It took a few seconds for Paul to answer. He wasn’t looking at Gene, at least, not directly in the face; it almost seemed as though Paul was scoping him out, assessing him like there was something new to assess. Gene would have called him out on it, except during times like this, he never was sure if it was Paul’s hearing or Paul’s daydreaming to blame.

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

The limo ride was uneventful. Gene decided he didn’t care for Studio 54 long before they pulled up to the VIP entrance. He decided that through the line wrapping around the building for what seemed like miles, the garish outfits of the wannabes begging for admittance, and the weird air of desperation mixed with eagerness that seemed to permeate through the limo windowpane. It made him feel itchy. Beside him, Paul had spent a bit of time doodling peace signs and dicks in the misted-up windowglass like it was a school notebook. His good mood didn’t seem to dampen until the limousine stopped, and he saw the press, out there already, all cameras and notepads.

“Gene—”

“It’s fine, I’ve got my bandana.” He’d forgotten to ask for it over the phone, but it’d been in the box of clothes for him anyway. A couple of them, actually. “Do you want one?”

Paul shook his head.

“No, it’s okay. Switch spots with me, would you?”

Gene swapped obligingly. The limo wasn’t roomy enough to avoid Paul brushing up against him as they traded seats. He caught the woodsy scent of Aramis cologne in Paul’s hair, just another indication of what he’d spent three days pounding into his head now.

“Want me to hold the door for you, too?”

“God, no.”

Gene laughed, and got out first. The bandanas always made him feel like he was about to rob a bank. Every so often, they’d get goofy with it, find weird headgear—knight and astronaut and football helmets—but for the most part, bandanas and scarves were enough out in public, real public. Places where they wanted to be seen, under normal circumstances. The first half-dozen camera flashes were blinding as always. He helped Paul out of the limo, hovering over him as he stepped out. Part of him wished he’d thought to bring a jacket, but maybe that would’ve made it worse, provoked the paparazzi more, if he’d tried covering Paul up too much.

“You okay?” he asked, as the crowd shuddered and swarmed around them. A horde, just a horde, worse than the CBGB crowd ever considered being. Fans would want an autograph or a lay. The press only ever wanted blood.

“I’m fine, I’m—”

“Mr. Simmons!” A woman reporter called out, touching his free arm. “Can I have just a moment?”

“No,” he said, brushing past, his hold on Paul’s arm only getting tighter. Walking quickly, not making eye contact, until the line—there was a line, unbelievably, for VIPs—forced him to stop. Paul had his head half-buried against his shoulder for the whole duration of their wait, tensing with every camera flash and intrigued leer. Gene realized, offhand, that the attention wasn’t pissing Paul off the way it had at CBGB. Instead, it was scaring him.

It made sense, he supposed. CBGB wasn’t nearly important enough to have reporters and cameramen about. They didn’t have big names there, either, no one that Paul would’ve really worried about bumping into. Paul had said earlier that he didn’t think he could pull off talking to someone that knew him, and Gene suspected he was right. Gene suspected an interviewer was even further beyond him at this point.

He’d expected to just be let in once they arrived at the velvet-roped entrance, not really believing Paul’s claims about exclusivity, but instead, a broad-shouldered kid with a grin held them up at the door.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Gene echoed, and shoved down his bandana. On wry automatic, he held up his free hand—full of rings, including the skull one that the teenyboppers seemed fascinated by—as if it was a secret signal. The doorman blinked, unconvinced. Gene could hear Paul snort beside him. “I’m Gene Simmons from KISS, and the—lovely Miss Eisen and I would—”

Still smiling, the doorman pointed at his own tongue.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” But Gene stuck it out anyway. The kid’s expression didn’t change much as he opened the door to let them in. Gene pocketed his bandana, but he didn’t loosen his grip on Paul until they were on the VIP floor, and hopefully beyond the bulk of the press’ touch, and even then, he didn’t let go. Paul looked a little shaken up, anyway, though Gene couldn’t blame him. It was a different beast from last night, for all their objective hadn’t changed.

“Don’t worry. They won’t have gotten any good shots,” Gene said.

“That may not matter. Depends on who else is here.” Paul sighed, worming his arm out from Gene’s, shifting to hold his hand instead. No hesitation. He was getting accustomed to it. So was Gene.

Gene stole a glance Paul’s way before really taking a look at the scene, trying to absorb New York’s hottest discotheque, decide if the interior impressed him any more than the exterior. He decided it didn’t. Maybe too promptly. But the flashing lights, the blaring music—all that was ostensibly no different from CBGB, or any other bar or club; it was just a matter of size and budget and spectacle. It didn’t matter if someone was worth ten bucks or ten million; they all looked the same passed out on the floor. Enough of them were already that Gene couldn’t quite believe they’d gotten to Studio 54 on time.

“What do you think, Gene?”

“You liked it here?”

The VIP floor was covered in lounge furniture, long couches and glass-topped tables. The carpets were dirty, and the smell of booze was heavier in the air than Gene had experienced in years. Probably not since that ill-fated Hotter than Hell shoot when they’d first started off, the one that had very nearly ended with—well. Gene wasn’t in the mood to consider that one, not given Paul’s current shape.

But almost every square inch of the place was smothered in people. Hollywood giants, of vintage and modern flavors. He saw Liz Taylor—wild, to see Cleopatra in the flesh, nearly fifteen years out from the role and easily fifty pounds heavier. He saw Michael Jackson, making moon-eyes as usual at Diana Ross. Poor, hopeless kid. He could’ve sworn he saw Truman Capote, hitting on a well-muscled, shirtless bartender. And all around the giants were the hangers-on and the hopefuls and the arm candies of the duration. Transvestites in g-string bikinis, lesbians in suits. It was viscerally strange, the sheer variety. No one was paying them much mind yet, aware, somehow, that they were too sober to be worth noticing. Paul cleared his throat, defensive.

“Well, yeah, I like it. It’s kind of wild, yeah, but—”

Three feet from them, a producer was puking straight onto the carpet, while a Playboy bunny rubbed the top of his head. On top of one of the tables, a guy was snorting a line of coke straight down a naked girl’s breasts, and as he kept sliding, Gene realized that the powder ran all the way down, bisecting her torso.

“Paul, this is a cesspool.”

 “C’mon, you’ve seen this shit before.”

“Not all at once.” Gene shook his head. “You’re not even into it. Why would you go here?” He understood it for Ace and Peter, as drugged-up as they’d get. He didn’t understand it for Paul. What was he trying to accomplish? What would it really matter, getting with the big names right in their stomping grounds, when those names were so trashed that they were useless? I want to belong somewhere, that was what he’d said. But this somewhere wasn’t it.

 “I just—”

“Mr. Simmons!” came a voice out of the din, eager and excitable. Not a VIP. The tone was too innocent, too close to admiring. Gene turned around.

“I’m not doing auto—”

“Mr. Simmons! I work for Mr. Rubell! I’m one of the doormen!” The kid couldn’t have been older than twenty, blondish and broad-shouldered. “Sorry I didn’t get you at the door, we’ve got a couple new guys, they don’t know—but listen, we’re all looking for that Carol chick!”

“Good.”

“We’ll tell Mr. Stanley when we see him, too.”

“Thanks.”

The doorman nodded, making an awkward salute before heading back. Obliquely, Gene wondered if Bill and Sean had checked Studio 54 out yet. Rubell seemed to have a hiring preference in line with their tastes. He turned to Paul again.

“Looks like they got the memo. You wanna sit down?”

“I… maybe for a minute.” Paul’s eyes darted around, searching for an empty table. Gene looked, too, but he didn’t see one. No corners they could tuck themselves into—not that a corner would’ve been great for keeping a lookout for Carol. Gene felt Paul squeeze his hand. Shot nerves already. Gene could tell that much before Paul spoke again. “If I can keep from talking to anybody, that’d be great.”

“I don’t think you’re going to be that lucky,” Gene said dryly, spying a tall man getting up out of his chair and waving them over.

“If it isn’t Gene Simmons!” the man called out in a distinctively non-American accent. Even if he hadn’t spoken, the feathered brown hair and bright smile would’ve made it obvious. It was Barry Gibb, holding a glass of champagne. “I thought your band was back on the road!”

“Barry, hey,” Gene said, sticking out his hand on automatic. Barry shook it exuberantly. “You’re a few weeks early for that one. How are you?”

Paul looked a bit like he wanted to die on the spot. Barry didn’t seem to notice.

“Great, great. My little brother, Andy…” if possible, Barry’s beaming increased, “he’s just released a single. It’s a guaranteed hit.”

“Really? I think I’d heard he had his own group in Australia—”

“Zenta! You do keep up!” Barry clasped his shoulder. “No, that’s done with now. He’s doing some fantastic solo work…”

Despite the meaningful, sour glances Paul kept throwing his way, Gene’s interest was piqued enough at the thought of a hit, and the thought of a worthwhile contact—the time or two they’d met in passing prior, Barry had been just about this congenial, so Gene didn’t think he was drunk—that he accepted Barry’s invitation to sit down. The next twenty minutes were filled with shop talk, Barry sending off for a Coke for Gene and a whiskey highball for Paul (Gene suspected Paul took Barry up on the offer as payback rather than an actual desire to drink, since he barely touched it), and praise Gene had a hard time fully enjoying.

“My son loves KISS, you know,” Barry said at one point. “He’s never gotten half so excited over our albums.”

“Really? How old is he?” Gene took a sip of his Coke, leaning forward. “We’ll have Casablanca send him something. We have a whole catalog of new merchandise in the works.”

“He’ll be four in December.”

Paul, who had stayed mostly silent up until that point, looked mortified.

“Four?” he almost wailed. Barry seemed amused.

“Oh, love, it’s not an insult. I wish we had that kind of mass appeal behind us.”

“Gene, this—we’ve got to talk to Bill, Gene, we just can’t—I know we don’t get taken seriously, but for God’s sake—”

Under the table, Gene nudged Paul’s bare ankle with his boot. Paul flushed and cut himself off abruptly. Barry glanced over at Paul, then took a swallow of champagne.

“The youth market's the best one to be in, Polly. I've been in this industry long enough to promise you that."

“What, ten years?”

“Next year it’ll be twenty.” Barry got up, shaking both their hands. “I hate to leave you too abruptly, but I’m to meet up with Maurice in a bit. Great to meet you, Polly, great to see you again, Gene.”

“Yeah. And I do mean it, about the merch. We’ve got dolls—”

“Oh, Steve’d love them. Thank you.” Another bright smile, and Barry headed off. Paul let out a groan as soon as he was out of earshot.

“Twenty years,” he mumbled, slumping forward, propping his head up with his hand. “How the hell was I supposed to know the Bee Gees have been at it for twenty years?”

“I didn’t, either,” Gene admitted.

“Fuck, how old is Barry, anyway? Peter’s age?”

“I have no idea.”

“At least he’s not gonna see me again like this. God, he thought I was a jackass…” Paul sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“He didn’t take it personally. Barry’s a good guy.”

“Twenty years stuck with his brothers. I’m amazed they haven’t killed each other.” Paul got up, stepping away from the table, and Gene followed suit. “Think we can get a better look around without getting interrupted? I couldn’t see anything from here.”

Just from a cursory glance, Gene doubted it. Most of the other tables were full or near-full, and no good for people-watching. They’d be better off on the floor.

“We’re going to have to stand to see.” Gene started to take Paul’s arm again, almost on automatic, but a glance at his shoulder stopped him. “Did you get another bra?”

“What?”

Gene pressed a finger against the purple strap hanging past Paul’s sleeve. Paul shook his head, looking abashed.

 “No, this is… this is just the nightie.”

Paul’s cheeks were going a little pink. That pink went straight to red when Gene tugged the strap back into place for him. He had to push Paul’s hair back and turn up his sleeve in order to fix the strap up again to his shoulder, under the dress. His skin was soft, dotted with a handful of moles Gene hadn’t ever really noticed before. There was the pitted smallpox vaccination scar, and the tattoo, of course, the green stem peeking a little past his sleeve. Gene’s fingers lingered longer than they needed to on his arm before he remembered himself enough to pull back.

“The nightie? Why are you wearing that here?”

The redness in Paul’s face wasn’t anywhere near abating.

“Because I didn’t buy a slip. This dress is thinner than I thought.”

“I bet it looks cute on.”

Paul fidgeted, starting to adjust the strap himself, fiddling with the slider.

“Thought you said you just liked what was underneath.”

“Well, that’s the main event, but you’ve got to say something for packaging—"

“Keep pushing it and you won’t find out.”

“I’ll take the chance.” Gene grinned. “Dance with me.”

 He said it on impulse, almost airily. The song blaring through the speakers—some new funk bit from Marvin Gaye was already midway through. Paul put one hand on Gene’s shoulder. Still worried about what people thought of him, even in a place like this. A place where no one would’ve even given much of a shit about them dancing if Paul was like he ought to be. And yet here Paul was, thinking anyone’d care about a girl leading a guy. Gene shook his head, taking Paul’s arm and moving it to his waist.

“No, you lead.”

“If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure.”

“Okay.”

The driving, pulsating bassline and wailing saxophone were such a far cry from the CSNY album they’d danced to in Paul’s basement. There was a flippant, overly sexual air to disco that was kind of fascinating. More marketable than their own sordid stuff. Gene didn’t know if KISS would try and ride the wave—they’d talked about it, and Paul had tossed around a few song lyrics—but it hadn’t come to much yet. Might ruin their image. Might solidify it.

Step by step. Paul was stiffer on the dance floor than he’d been in the basement. Partially because of how he had to keep shifting them both around, to avoid dancing into other couples, or stepping on passed-out partiers. But there was more to it than that. His lips were pursed, as if he didn’t quite know how to handle the song. Maybe, for once, he was listening to the lyrics.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

A little sweat was clinging to Paul’s brow, and a little more to Paul’s palm, enclosed in his. He hadn’t tried anything close to fancy, not even any turns or spins. He’d seen Paul do better than this just a few hours ago. Nerves. Except the only time Paul didn’t nerve out was in front of an audience. And this audience was too wasted to care if the two of them were tearing up the dancefloor or stumbling through each step. Paul’s tongue was poking out between his teeth again, and he wasn’t looking Gene in the face, and he wasn’t looking around the room.

Something warm was spreading in Gene, the longer he looked at Paul, the longer they danced. Stepped in time, more like. That concentration made his features seem almost sweet. Paul’s hand on his waist was fidgeting, like he’d forgotten how to hold it. Gene squeezed his shoulder, and Paul raised his head, finally, as Gene cleared his throat to speak.

“Hey. What’d you say dancing was earlier?”

Paul blinked, caught off guard enough that he stopped moving.

“Getting a feel for your partner. Mirroring them.”

“That’s right.” Gene exhaled. His fingers inched up past Paul’s shoulder, touching his cheek for a brief second before returning to his shoulder again. “Could you mirror something for me, then? Right now.”

“Yeah.” Paul had turned his head towards Gene’s hand. Was looking right at him, all big dark eyes and red lips. Red lips that were twitching up, suddenly, in the faintest ghost of a smile. “What do you want to—"

Gene inclined his head and met Paul’s lips with his own.

Paul kissed back instantly. Greedily. Gene was almost taken aback. It wasn’t ferocious so much as desperate, as though all his pent-up energy was suddenly given just a single release. Paul’s tongue licked across Gene’s lips for entrance before Gene could even get there first, hot and overwhelming. Gene dropped his hold on Paul’s hand to cup his smooth, soft jaw, fingers careful not to brush too far past it. His fingertips caught onto Paul’s curls, stiff with hairspray, yet they still somehow felt good against his fingers. The scent of his cologne, emanating off his hair and neck, was almost overwhelming, cologne and sweat and something else; for an insane moment Gene felt like he could almost smell the want on him.

Paul tightened his grip on Gene’s waist, pulling him forward until their bodies were flush. Gene’s hard-on was getting unbearable, pressing up against Paul nearly worse than no relief, because of all the things wasn’t. Gene couldn’t think straight. Could barely let himself remember who was kissing him so ardently, who he was kissing back, whose lipstick was smearing against his mouth and jaw and neck—

Gene only pulled back to get a breath in. Paul’s hand had sunk below Gene’s waist, groping at his ass through the leather fabric. Paul kept shoving his hips against him, friction that didn’t really quite manage to hit its target. Too much of a height difference. They could fix that. Fuck, they could fix that right here in the disco, in one of those basement rooms—he could fuck Paul there, against the wall, or on the floor; he didn’t care, anywhere. He murmured against Paul’s neck, lapping and kissing, not quite daring to leave a mark against his skin. Gene barely felt Paul’s ankle latch around his boot, almost as if he was laying claim, but it warmed him, nearly as much as Paul��s little hitches for breath, the needy press of his lips against his skin. Gene grunted, fingers tightening on Paul’s hair, intending on tugging him back in for another kiss when Paul’s expression shifted, dilated, glassy eyes suddenly going wide, whole body tight as piano wire. His foot went back into place on the floor, stiff as a soldier, hands seeming frozen on Gene. The color was starting to drain from his face.

“Paul? What’s wrong?”

It must have hit him. His brain must have caught up with his libido faster than Gene’s had. Gene started to let go, feeling his brow furrow, a little, hopeless shame twitching in his gut, but then Paul grabbed onto him harder, shaking his head.

“It’s not you. It’s not you, I swear.” One hand withdrew, just to point. Gene couldn’t follow Paul’s finger at first, with the slew of people, but finally he caught sight of the blond doorman from earlier, ushering someone forward, towards them. Someone cute, but not beautiful. Not a VIP. Someone he knew wouldn’t belong on her own here, any more than Paul did.

A small young woman with light brown hair.

“She’s here.”

[simspaghetti]

Chapter 1.1 (2/2)

It turns out my mystery saviour’s name was Jamie Jolina, she was a junior doctor and her house was a really sweet and very colourful little starter on the edge of town near the cliffs.

After showing me around my room, she insisted on giving me a makeover, which I gratefully accepted as an opportunity to get out of the horrible itchy clothes that Cornelia had given me.

It was pretty basic, just some jeans and a t-shirt, but it made me feel more like myself than I had done before. Also the shoes were super comfy, which after spending the whole night in heels was a welcome surprise.

Being able to see my reflection in the mirror for the first time in years was definitely a notable experience, it was gonna take me a while to get used to seeing my face again! I almost forgot that I actually used to be pretty when I wanted to be.

Over the next few weeks I settled back into life in Sunset Valley, I discovered that it actually hadn’t changed much since I left it all those years ago.

I managed to get a job at the bookstore by spending most of my waking hours there anyway and talking about books for hours with the manager, a little old lady called Yumi. 

The only downside was the fact that she kept trying to set me up with her son who was around the same age as I was.

It was kinda weird getting used to the fact that people who were physically the same age as me now I was resurrected used to be young teenagers when I was alive before.

Although half of the people I met were friends of Jamie’s that she brought over to the house.

And the other half were random people that I met in the spring festival, which is where I spent most of my time. The bookstore gave me a lot of free hours, so I had a lot of time to just wander around the town I had missed so much.

On one of these wanderings I ended up at the beach, I was about to head over to relax on one of the deckchairs when I suddenly noticed the person who was lying there already…

It was Gunther.

My heart fell to my stomach and my immediate instinct was to sprint. I began running and didn’t even think about where I was going until I found myself at the graveyard. 

By that time the sun was beginning to set, but I still needed to soothe some of the anxiety coursing through me, so I plopped down on a bench and began to read.

I began to get lost in the pages of my book, and before I knew it, the light around me had vanished.

My past self would have probably been scared straight, being in a graveyard in the middle of the night, but weirdly, I found being around the (fellow) spirits more comforting than anything. After all, the scariest thing that could happen to me, death, had already occurred. I had nothing to be afraid of anymore. I felt at peace among the creatures of the netherworld.

I felt a cool breeze crawl up my back and noticed a bright blue hue shine over the pages of my book. I spun around and noticed a spirit behind me, he smiled, and when I smiled back he seemed rather shocked, obviously not realising that I could see him.

“Hi, I’m Lolita” I grinned, shaking the space around what had formed to be his hand.

“You can see me? Well I’ll be darned, no human has ever done that before! Let me introduce myself, I go by ‘Tragic Clown’, mostly because I don’t remember my real name anymore, it’s been too many years. Plus everyone would call me that regardless.” He babbled in a soft twinbrook accent

His voice was odd and ethereal, if you weren’t paying attention you would probably pass it off as the wind, but there were definite words being formed. It was strange to recognise this as the tone my voice used to take too.

Tragic Clown and I talked on a bench for hours. I explained my resurrection and why I could see him, and he told me his tales from being a circus clown, and his death, I have to say he certainly earned the name ‘Tragic’, his story very nearly reduced me to tears.

As the night wore on, we decided to pass the time by playing tag, it was fun to find someone with the same childishness that I possessed.

Finally, the sun began to rise, and as it did, he made me promise that whatever I did with my life, I would make use of my second chance, and make it purposeful.

I agreed that I would, and we said our goodbyes.

Meeting another ghost was honestly the revitalisation I think I needed. I knew before now that I needed to make use of my second chance, but now I wasn’t just motivated by myself, I was doing this on behalf of all the spirits who never got to live again.

I needed to make use of this life, and make it the best one I could possibly have.  Because the fact that I was breathing, was a miracle in itself.

[fumbliesthots]

2018 - Year in Review

Hot Mess Bitch à la Jan Bon - the most impressive dish I made (or participated in making) this year, on 31 Dec 2018. I guess now this space is for photos of what I did on NYE, following tradition of last year. It comprised of honeyed butter biscuit (baked from scratch!), sausage cream gravy, garlic polenta grits, cheesy scrambled eggs, topped with more uncased Italian sausage. 

I was kinda procrastinating writing this post I guess because I was placing such unnecessarily high expectations on this post to be the motherlode of all reflections this year, especially since I have started keeping a handwritten (almost-daily) journal recently. Sorry bloggy, I hope you don’t feel jealous.

This year feels too short and too long at once. I almost cannot remember what I did for the first half of the year (partly also because my journal writing habit only started post-June when Janz handed me my first journal book and encouraged me to start writing in it so that I can remember and process stuff that happened in my life). 

Maybe it feels long because I accidentally travelled a little too much this year (What blasphemy! Like too much is a thing when it comes to travelling?) But that was mostly thanks to the opportunity to do so from my work trips. Let me count the cities: Rome, Venice, Vienna, Prague, Budapest, Brussels, Bruges, Krabi, NYC, Seattle, Vancouver, Melaka.

Oh yeah and I turned 30 this year too. It’s surprisingly uneventful, but I guess this year is when I started feeling more like an adult, less wet behind the ears and more okay with being myself. Especially since now at work I’m surrounded by so many young people, and it feels kinda weird that they seem to look up to me and come to me for advice. 

New things I tried in 2018

Improv. I took an improv 101 class at the beginning of the year. It was good fun and pushed me out of my comfort zone to be less self-conscious and more spontaneous. I see some potential in using the concept of improv for the design process and I hope one day I can convince my colleagues to go check it out as well.

Piloxing. I wanted to make use of ActiveSG credits for the first time, and the idea of mixing pilates and kickboxing intrigued me. It was ok, pretty fun and not as intense as I expected. It’s kinda like a high-impact cardio exercise. Not my thing but I enjoyed it while it lasted.

Speaking at public events. I was invited as a speaker and panelist at General Assembly to talk about my experience as a designer. The first one was scary (and embarrassingly eventful). The next 2 as a panelist were more relaxed as I didn’t need to prepare that much. There is kind of an adrenaline kick doing this kind of thing sometimes, haha. 

Journal writing. I have to thank Janz for encouraging this habit by giving me a notebook for my birthday. I think writing down thoughts and just things that happen in the day really helps me process stuff and is kinda therapeutic. I would write about conversations I had, things I observed, and maybe even stuff I watched. 

PTTC aka Physical Touch Treatment Centre. This might sound a bit weird but in our Krabi UX teambonding trip, the girls were training me to be more touchy in showing sayang. That included patting heads and linking hands. And now I have become kinda good at it. (Okay.. this still sounds weird!)

Confessed to a boy. Rejected by said boy. But now we are good friends and I think I’m happy with that. And I think I’m pretty low maintenance and self-sufficient as a person/non-gf. This year I also concluded my online dating experiment and the result is the realisation that I don’t really need to find a partner to have a fulfilled life. Actually I already knew that from the start but this was a validation. But I’m grateful to have met so many guys from outside of my social bubble that I wouldn’t have met in otherwise. And the experience of meeting strangers also trained me to be more thick skin and be more socially confident. Glad I did this.

Things that made me sad in 2018

Colleagues that left. Early this year I was kinda shook when Michelle left. Even though we are not that close as friends, she and I had a good partnership as my researcher. Then Leonard, then Lydia, our dear POs. And then Gaofeng and Ernie left. My fellow Easy Team pioneers from the very beginning. :(

Macbook died. Itchy backside made me prematurely install Mojave OS before it was company-approved. My computer ended up getting corrupted and the IT guy tried so hard to help me save it for 2 whole weeks. In the end with all means tried, there was no choice to reformat the whole thing, and I lost all my files. That was an emotional 2 weeks.

SG team got booted off project. I found out after coming back from a trip and it hit me like a suddenly flying slap. But I don’t think it was anyone’s fault, just circumstances. And now I actually look forward to new challenges after this project comes to an end for me.

Chief Laihock’s passing. Chief was a great leader and strong pillar holding up GUI for the past 11 years, an inspiration to me and many people who know him. His passing was a sudden one and because of this keeping the kampung became a problem. I feel for the core team members who are working so hard to keep things running and continuing to fight this fight. Such passion is admirable and makes me want to do whatever I can to help.

Things I’m happy about in 2018

Read more books. Somehow managed to squeeze in more books into my reading diet this year. I’ve been gifted and lent many books this year and I guess because of that I was obliged to finish them, and that turned out to be a good thing. I also somehow unknowingly influenced some young’ins to start reading as a habit too, which surprised me. 

Learnt to monkey bar. I had a random goal of learning how to monkey bar in September. I’ve never ever been able to do it, when I first saw other kids playing on it in pri sch and felt left out and embarrassed because I couldn’t. But this year I decided to see if I could train myself to do it, perhaps because the bar was always at the fitness station downstairs mocking me. And in November I showed it. That sense of jubilance and exhilaration I had when I finally made that first swing from one bar to the next was amazing. And in the next couple of weeks of training I finally made it through the entire ladder. Woohoo!

Strengthened bonding with colleagues. This year the UX team has expanded quite a bit. We welcomed in Janz, Lily, Oppa, Shirshir, Shishi, Lulu and Lala. And we got close almost instantly, which I think is unusual for team of such size. Boss has done an incredible job in scaling positive team culture somehow, and I think for next year our challenge is how to spread this culture beyond just our team. 

Launched a fundraising campaign for GUI. The GUI web team’s work did not slack off since the launch of the 2.0 website last year. We did another release of 2.1 with some improvements after conducting some usability/feedback session with folks. And then in August when news of Laihock’s passing triggered the urgency to raise funds to keep GUI going and keep the land, we worked very hard meeting every week to come up with ideas on how to start a fundraising and awareness campaign. We pushed this campaign out in November and now to continue the efforts to tweak and optimise the message. Grateful to have a supportive volunteer team working hard together on this.

Didn’t take an MC this year. Last year I got sick quite often, almost once every 2 months. Then Gaofeng gave a suggestion that intrigued me. Exercise more. I decided to give it a try. And I’m proud to report that ever since I started exercising every alternate morning, my MC count this year has declined by 100%. I still got sick once or twice this year but it wasn’t so serious that I had to be bedridden. And I found going for a jog in the morning actually lifts my mood for the day. Two birds, bingo.

Knitted a hat. I joined our office’s Knit For Love group to learn how to knit a hat, and all knitted items would be donated to Singapore Cancer Society. I managed to finish mine in about 2-3 months after lots of getting stuck and having help. I was surprised that there are actually quite a few knitting enthusiasts in our office. And even to see a different side to those very notoriously fierce colleagues in the office - they were very kind and patient when it comes to teaching and guiding others. I love discovering new kinder sides of people.

Favourite things of 2018

Nonfiction Book - Crucial Conversations. Borrowed this from Lydia’s bookshelf. We even have a book review club at her house now to share our learnings. This book has valuable advice on how to handle tough conversations and I hope I could put it to proper practice and truly learn to do it.  

Fiction Book - A Dog’s Purpose. A gift from Janz she got at Strand Bookstore. This was a surprisingly thought-provoking book despite the silliness of the premise. Best of all, it’s only USD 48 cents. 

Podcast - Harry Potter and the Sacred Text. This one was recommended by Wei, a new friend I made from the DesignOps summit. Nothing can replace my love for Invisibilia but this one was another surprising gem. I like how they dissect and examine each chapter through lens of different themes and that made this beloved series even more meaningful.

Youtube Channel - Vox. I like the variety of smart educational and timely content presented in a visually appealing and simple to understand way. I especially liked their series explaining music and politics.

Music - Tessa Violet. Dodie. Chillhop radio. Pomplamoose.

Day memory - Cycling in Bruges with Eos. This was literally my idea of a perfect day come true. We had a cheap and cheerful breakfast at Hema, then rented a bike, and cycled all the way to Belgium in cool autumn weather, passing beautiful fields of flowers and farmlands and smelly cows. Had a sumptuous seafood lunch before heading back to town, serendipitously stumbling into an art gallery opening with free wine. Had a pigeon for dinner, then ending the day listening to jazz at a bar. 

Trip memory - NYC/Seattle/Vancouver with Janz. I liked our adventurous/slipshod spirit and the resulting shenanigans we got into because of that. And all our silly and thoughtful conversations in between. And the food we got to try and coming up with a weird rating system for them. 

Bonus - Making a Chinese rap music video with Jess. Jess and I bonded a lot during this 3-week Prague rotation trip. I liked practicing our rap every day walking to and from our office and hotel, and basically everywhere we go. She is such an easy person to have fun with, and we get a kick filming ourselves and annoying Leonard along the way (bless him).

Things to work on in 2019

Figure out how to be a leader. I recently got promoted to Design Ops Lead of the team. There will be a lot of dealing with people and processes, and that is something I have to learn how to manoeuvre. But having a new challenge is always exciting.

Being more articulate and assertive. Along with the above might mean learning how to better communicate expectations and handling tough situations.

Plan more and be less slipshod about things. There are times to be happy-go-lucky and be spontaneous about things. But wisdom is knowing when to pay attention and take care of the details, especially when the outcome might affect other people, not just myself.

Being more caring with my parents. Last year one of my resolutions was to improve my communication with my parents. I tried by listening to more chinese podcasts and speaking chinese more often. But I realised sometimes talking is not enough, it’s the tone and body language. How you show attention and care that matters. 

Continue staying healthy. In the mind and the body. That means keeping and perhaps even increasing my regular exercise regime. And meditate more regularly! 

So here’s what I did on the first day of 2019 – Taking a beautiful hike with my lovely buddies! It’s a gonna be happy new year, oh yes.

[uneven-odds]

All or nothing for the asks :D

You are evil. You must hate me too :D Okaaay so here we go. 

Aaaaaaaaaaask aawwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaay :D

Personal

1- How are you?-depressed but I´m on my way to feel better. Hopefully

2- Post a picture of yourself.

idk but I really love this  picture of me !? @promisedmistake took this picture of my after she told something funny and I just had to laugh and I just love it.

3- Do you ever wish you were someone else?- Yeah sometimes I do

4- What is your entire name?-Sarah-Luise [think  of some random surname]

5- How old are you?-22

6- Age you get mistaken for:-17, Idk why…maybe because I´m small af.

7- Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality:- Capricorn and yes it does

8- What did you do on your last birthday?-movie and pizza with my best friend

9- What is one thing you would like to accomplish before your next birthday?-try to get better 

10- What is your hair color?-brown

11- Have you ever dyed your hair?-Yes

12- What is your eye color?- a mix between brown and green

13- If you could change your eye color, would you?-No, I like my eye color

14- Do you wear contacts/glasses?-I need to wear glasses but I´m lazy to put them on even if i can´t read anything 

15- Your opinion about your body and how confortable you are with it:-I don´t like my body so I´m not comfortable

16- Have you ever considered plastic surgery? What would you alter about your body?-No

17- Say 8 facts about your body: too small, good hair ( I really love my hair), pretty eyes, too much, itchy, too dry, still too short, I just can´t finde 8 facts…maybe …idk funny nose? 

18- Do you have any tattoos?- No, but I want to

19- Do you have any piercings?-No, but I had

20- Left or right handed?-right handed

21- What’s your sexual orientation?-heterosexual

22- Do you drink?-Yes, sometimes

23- Do you smoke?-No 

24- Do you have any pets?-Yes a lovely cat 

25- Where do you work?-I go to university

26- Something you are working on right now: myself

27- Do you have any “rules” about food?-No…not yet

28- Where are you from?-Germany

29- What would you say is your best quality?-I think I´m a good listener

30- What do you think you’re really good at?-Writing. (and Reading)

31- What do you think you’re really bad at?-Math. I hate it. 

32- What talent do you wish you’d been born with?-singing

33- Are you a bad person?-Yeah kinda

34- Are you nice to everyone?-Nope

35- Say 3 facts about your personality: creative, loyal, honest

36- Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you?-Yes

37- What is your ideal bed? Why?-a big comfy bed with lots of pillows

38- Did you wake up cranky?-every day

39- Do you sleep with a stuffed toy?-no but I used to 

40- What do you think about the most?-future and things I have said and done

41- Share 2 habits: biting my fingernails, stay up way to late

42- What you want to be when you “get older”?-happy

43- What are your career goals?-I just wanna do something which makes me happy

44- What is your ideal career?-Author or Actress

45- Is your life anything like it was two years ago?-No…

46- Do you replay things that have happened in your head?-Always

47- Have you ever had an imaginary friend?-of course

48- Say 10 facts about your room: -messy, comfy, big enough for me, two windows, many books, a bed perfect for me (and only for me), white walls, a photo wall, light chains ( I have like 4 or more?), lots of tealights

49- Do you have any phobias?-Yes, I´m afraid of death

50- Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist?-not yet

51- Are you allergic to anything? If so, what?-Yes, to mandarins pineapple

52- Ever broken any bones?-Yes my left wrist and my right elbow

53- Ever come close to death?-Yes

54- Things you like and dislike about yourself: -dislike: I´m lazy af                                                                           like: my creativity

55- A random fact about yourself: I like the smell of rain

56- What are three things most people don’t know about you?I´m actually very shy, I can´t talk to other people, I´m antisocial

57- An unknown fact about your life: It used to be better

58- Share something about yourself others might think is weird: I like it when my room is messy

59- Five weird things that you like:my messy room, to laugh about my own jokes, crying to sad songs in the middle of the night, hearing one song on repeat for a whole week or longer, collecting notebooks

60- Do you have a facebook? If so, would you add the person who sent you this? Yes and I already did that 4 years ago

61- Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?-Yes

62- Describe yourself in one word/sentence: -I could do better but I´m too lazy

63- A quote you try to live by: “always be yourself”

64- Leave me a compliment: You are amazing

Favorites

65- What is your favorite thing to do?-reading 

66- What’s your favorite color?-blue

67- What’s your favorite band/singer?-band: Walking on Cars, Singer: James Arthur 

68- What’s your favorite movie?-the great gatsby 

69- What are your favorite books?-the great gatsby, the maze runner series and aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe 

70- What is your favorite quote and why?-”what comes around, goes around”, it just remembers me to be kind and to do the right thing

71- What is your favorite word?-fuck

72- What is your least favorite word?-the german word for panties: schlüpfer

73- What is your favorite type of food?-pasta

74- Your favorite ice cream?-stracciatella

75- What’s your favorite animal?-Cat

76- Dogs or cats?-Cats

77- Describe your favourite texture:-don´t really have one

78- What is your favorite flower?-lily

79- What’s your favourite scent? And on the opposite sex?my favourite scent is the smell of rain, don´t have a favourte scent on the opposite sex, If he smells good then sign me up

80- What is your favorite season?-Autumn

81- What are the top five places you wish you could go before you die?   1. Norway   2. London   3. North sea   4.Eiffel tower   5. Polar lights

82- What are four things you can’t live without and why?   1. my favourite people   2.books   3.muisc   4.my bed

83- Which mythological creature are you most like? Why?-I think Phoenix? because after all I always find my way back and i will always stand up again

84- What’s your favorite television show?-just one? at the moment Sherlock

85- Favorite place to shop at?-Internet

86- Say 2 facts about your favorite things: turning pages, hearing wordsFamily, childhood and places

87- Say 4 facts about your parents: I don´t know my dad, I´m not close to my mum, but she is still cool, I wish we were closer 

88- Are you more like your mom or your dad?-I look like my father (so I was told) but I´m more like my grandfather

89- Do you have any siblings?-Yes one brother and two stepbrothers and one stepsister

90- Say 9 facts about your family: not too big, loud, funny, not that close,but still there for another, vivid, sometimes annoying, still lovely, kind

91- What’s your relationship like with your family?-I´m not that close to my mum and my stepdad, but I´m really close to my grandparents I love them to death

92- Say 7 facts about your childhood:-vivd, uncomplicated, easy, free, lovely, funny, kind

93- The best and the worst childhood memories: best: sitting in a wheelbarrow while my grandfather cut the lawnworst: never meeting my father

94- Say 6 facts about your home town: small town, old, Lays next to a river, not far away from Poland, not pretty, I hate this town

95- Are you going out of town soon?-no

96- Where would you like to live?-I kinda like it where I live at the moment

97- What would your dream house be like?-cozy

98- Where would you go on your dream vacation?-at the moment Norway

99- Where you want to be right now?-far away

100- Top three places to visit:- Norway, London, Vienna

Friends

101- Would you ever smile at a stranger?-Yes ( I often do this)

102- Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?-Gender doesn´t matter to me, I have fun with both

103- Who is someone you never tire of-my best friend and @promisedmistake

104- Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?-Yes

105- Who is your most loyal friend?-I think most of my friends are loyal

106- Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?-Yas

107- If your best friend died, what would you do?-die myself

108- A reason you’ve lied to a friend:I don´t want to hurt them or worrying them

109- Have you ever felt replaced?-Yes

110- Say 5 facts about your bestfriend(s):-loyal, kind, honest, amazing, lovely

Relationships

111- The last person you hugged?-a good friend of mine

112- Who was your first kiss with?-someone from my kindergarden group

113- Do you like kissing in public?-not really

114- Have you ever kissed someone older than you?-Yes

115- You have a preference for boys or girls?-boys

116- Is the male or female body closest to perfection?-EVERY BODY is close to perfection

117- Do you believe in love at first sight?-Nope

118- Do you believe in soul mates?-Yes

119- What is your idea of the perfect date?-sitting in a coffee shop and talking about everything and nothing

120- Based on past relationships or crushes, describe your perfect boyfriend/girlfriend: I don´t have a typ, as long as he makes me happy everything is good

121- What is the first thing you noticed in someone?-eyes

122- Are looks important in a relationship?-kinda

123- What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?-body

124- What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?-It is okay. I like it when my partner is older then me, a few years are okay, but I couldn´t date someone who is already in his 40´s

125- Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?-sure why not

126- Five guys/girls whom you find attractive:-all my friends are attractive

127- Do you have a crush on anyone?-nope

128- A description of the girl/boy you like:…..

129- Say 1 fact about the person your like:……

130- If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? There is nothing I can do.

131- When was the last time you told someone you loved them?- Ugh…I don´t remember…It´s been to long

132- Do you think someone has feelings for you?-nope

133- Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?-nope

134- Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?-yes

135- Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?-yes

136- Anyone you’re giving up on?-I don´t know? Don´t think so

137- Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?-Yes

138- Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?-Yes, my Ex-Boyfriend

139- Have you ever liked one of your best friends?-Yes

140- Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?-Yeah…

141- Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?-Yes

142- Is there someone you will never forget?-Yes

143- Say five ways to win your heart: I thought about you, food is ready, I will go to the bookstore with you, I have coffee for you, lets stay in bed all day

144- What turns you on?-a good sense of humor

145- What turns you off?-lies and disrespect

146- What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?-open himself  up for me ( in the way that he bares his soul/ his thoughts to me) 

147- What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?-talked to me for hours

148- What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?-sitting outside, stargazing and talking about everything and nothing

149- Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? Have you had one written for you?-Yes and no

150- What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?- I can´t remeber…I think I stayed up all night for them

151- Are you in love?-nope

152- Are you in a relationship?-no

153- If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?-that he is imaginary

154- Are relationships ever worth it?-Yes, they can give you balance

155- Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?-no , I don´t think so 

156- Can you commit to one person?-Yes

157- Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?-Yes. I already did that

158- Do you ever want to get married?-Don´t think so…maybe

159- Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?-Oh hell no

160- Future names of your children: Noah, Finn, I had a girls name but I just can´t think of it rn

161- Do you get jealous easily?-Unfortunately yes

162- The last time you felt jealous, and why?-that was a long time ago and I think it was because he snuggled with some other girl

163- What is your definition of cheating?-kissing another person

164- Have you ever been cheated on?-yes

165- Do you forgive betrayal?-nope

166- Have you ever cheated on someone?-no

167- Why did your last relationship fail?-because he cheated

168- Things you want to say to an ex:-thanks for memories

169- A description of the person you dislike the most: Don´t have a person

170- If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

171- How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?-2 boyfriends

172- How long was your longest relationship?- 3 years and six months

173- You’ll love me if…you accept me as who I am 

174- Share a relationship story: we were walking through the woods when suddenly a herd of deer passed us by, they just ignored us, and Idk but it stucked with me. It kinda is one of my favourit memories.

Music, movies and books

175- How often do you listen to music?-every day

176- What kind of music you like?-anything which makes me feel good or touched me in any way. The most important for me are the lyrics, so if they are good,then I will love the song or this kind of music. So that could be everything

177- Do you like to dance?-I love to dance

178- What was the first concert/show you attended?-US5 2006

179- Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?-Yes

180- Share a song that takes you to a certain memory in the past: Hurricane by 30 seconds to mars

181- A song that’s been stuck in your head: Recovery by James Arthur

182- Put your music player on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play:        1. Love you any less by Rag´n Bone Man        2. Matthias Schweighöfer- Regen        3. Ed Sheeran- Supermarket Flowers        4. Lay my body down-Rag´n Bone Man        5. All Time Low- Dirty Laundry        6. Des´ree-I´m kissing you        7. Taylor Swift and Zayn-I don´t wanna live forever        8. Kraftklub-Fenster        9.  Lorde- Green Light       10. Hurts-Beautiful ones

183- A book you want to read/have recently read: I really want to read the lord of the rings, recently I read 13 reasons why

184- Describe your dream library: Books without an end

185- Last movie you just watched: Doctor Strange

186- Do you like watching what type of movies? Thriller DystopiaSituations and crazy things

187- You’re in a tattoo parlor about to get inked. What are you getting done?-a song lyric on my left wrist

189- What’s something you can see yourself going to jail for?-forgot to pay a bill

190- If you could be any character, from any literary work, who would you choose to be?-Nick from the great gatsby

191- You’re given $10,000…under one condition: you cannot keep the money for yourself. Who would you give it to?-my grandparents, friends and other oragnisations who will help people in need

192- If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?-something I said to someone

193- If you were an element on the Periodic Table, which would you be and why?-Neon, just because I like it

194- If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?-2012

195- You’re an Action Movie Hero. What’s your weapon of choice and the line you scream when defeating your arch enemy?-my weapon would be a gun and I would scream “for my otp”…just because I´m weird

196- If you could design an amusement park ride, what would it be like?-just weird, loud and full of lights and colors

197- What is the first curse word that comes to mind?-fuck

198- What the last party you went to was… and when the next will be…I don´t like partys so….

199- Halloween costume idea?-nope

200- What are you supposed to be doing right now?-nothing

201- Currently wanting to see anyone?-yes

202- Why you follow me?-because I love your blog and you are one of my best friends

203- If you met me what would you do?-hug you and tell you something funny/weird

204- Leave me a ridiculous question:  Why is water wet?

205- Leave me a cute message: Hello you, I just want you to know that you are  amazing.I´m so glad to have you in my life.  You mean everything to me, I love you

Opinions and beliefs

206- Is the cup half full or half empty for you right now?-half empty

207- Do you believe in fate/destiny?.Yes 

208- What you wish for on 11:11?-I always forget to make a wish

209- Do you consider yourself lucky? What’s your good luck charm?

210- Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets?-Something is out there

211- What is your religion, if any?-Don´t have one

212- Would you go against your moral code for money?-never

213- What’s more important to you: strength of the body or strength of the mind?-strength of the mind

214- How important you think education is?-for me it is very important

215- If you were the president, what would you do?- I would say “I´m the president” 24/7

216- If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change?-humans

217- Is it the thought that counts? Or is that phrase circumstantial?

218- If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do?-sitting on a hill, listening to loud music and observe ( don´t know I have a pretty picture in my mind but it´s alreasy late and I´m tired af so…my words suck)

219- Which movie character do you most identify with and why?-gatsby, because I still have hope/ still hope for something good, something better

Feelings and Others

220- Are you a procrastinator or do you get things done early?-Procrastinator all the way

221- Post a photo/draw a picture/write a poem (pick one) of a moment of personal significance:That´s one of my favourite pictures, we met up for the very first time and it was just so incredible good, funny and just so comfortable. I felt loved, at home …I was just so damn happy. These amazing (weird) humans are my favourite people and I love them to death. They make me happy. 

222- Say 5 things you love unconditionally: 1. These people above  2. rain 3. books 4. music 5.night

223- What motivates you in life?-at the moment nothing. I hope the thought my future will do it

224- Something that you’re proud of: that I can study

225- Five words/phrases that make you laugh: Könnte ich ja machen, mache ich aber nicht

226- Share the story of something that makes you smile: it´s the same story @promisedmistake has already shared. We were sitting on the floor  in the middle of the night, listened to music, drank some wine and talked about everything and nothing for hours. It was just perfect.

227- Something you always think “what if…” about: I said those words to you

228- What was something you used to enjoy, but was ruined for you? What’s the story behind that?-I enjoyed writing fanfictions but…idk I don´t like it anymore. But I love to read them.

229- Describe one of the most awkward experiences of your life: everything is awkward for me. But the most awkward moment was, were my mum wanted to talk to me about my boyfriend and stuff…still freaks me out

230- Something/someone that you miss: the good old time

231- Are you over your past?-no

232- What is your saddest memory?-the break up between me and my former best friend

233- One of the hardest moments in your life:-to let go of the person I loved

234- Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?-yes

235- What’s something you want to do that you’d be embarrassed to tell other people about?-

236- What was your most embarrassing moment?-my whole life

237- Share one of your fears/insecurities:-not to be good enough

238- Something you’re currently worrying about:-my future

239- Have you done something you regret very much?-yes

240- If you could take something back that you said or did, what would it be?-something I said to someone which hurt them

241- Does anyone hate you?-I hope not…

242- Do you hate anyone?-no

243- Are you good at hiding your feelings?-yes

244- What’s something you hide about your personality?-I´m sensitive af

245- How do you approach social situations?-I just don´t do it

246- Are you a social or an antisocial person?-ANTISOCIAL af.

247- Are you an introvert or an extrovert?-introvert

248- Do you care if people talk badly about you?-Yes…kinda

249- How do you deal with criticism?-mostly not so good

250- How you hope your future will be like?-better 

251- What’s something that scares you about the future?-everything

252- Five intems you lust after: books, movies, sweets, music, tickets to travel scandinavia

253- One thing you’re excited for: James Arthur Concert

254- Describe the most terrifying/strangest/beautiful dream you’ve ever had: I´m pretty sure there is some dream but I can´t remebmber it.

255- Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?-Yes

256- Who is your celebrity crush?-Dylan O´Brien

257- Make a confession: I´m a liar