#in the end I made a mockup manga cover

[blazregaliadream]

Entry No. +++: Reflection

Fuckin' christ, I'm definitely feelin' better now, but it's scary readin' this over again.

So yea, I'm not sure when it began, but at some point, I was startin' to feel some heavy doubts on myself as an artist because none of my stuff seemed to really pick up. Like, I don't expect a shit ton of engagement, but just how nonexistent my presence was feellin' was slowly gettin' to me, made worse by the view count Twitter implemented, so seein' how so many people scrolled by and only one or two (from followers) seemed to at least like it felt like a heavy blow got dealt to me, and well... you can see the breakdown that resulted after however long this was happenin'.

So, why don't we take a step back and reflect.

"Why do you draw, Blaze?" - To show my love for somethin' if it's fanart, to bring out the proof of concept of original stuff I come up with. I started drawing in kindergarten for some funny assignments and things kicked off from there. It's been a hobby of mine for as long as I can remember and it'll continue to be just that.

"Have you ever tried taking commissions?" - Amusingly, I did sometime back with some success, but I was also a heavy procrastinator and I still feel bad I was like that even though my clients were understanding. 'Tis why I say drawing is just a hobby for me.

"Why do you stick to traditional art?" - Familiar territory and I feel like workin' with a drawing tablet would be all sorts of frustratin' that I do not want to put up with. If it's somethin' like the Wii U tablet and Miiverse, that's a different story. In fact, I use to post a lot of my Miiverse art until I finally stopped usin' Miiverse (because I wanted to cross certain territory that I couldn't there) and made my transition to deviantART.

"Don't you have a side blog for your art here?" - I do and I feel it's already a bitch to maintain, so a side account for my art on REEtter would be a bigger pain to keep up-to-date, if I remember to.

"Isn't there anything you want to achieve with your skills?" - In truth, I do have a few goals, but they're nothing big: I wanna get to a point where I'm confident enough to draw some NSFW and other fun stuff like mockup manga covers and the like. The funny thing is, I have drawn some NSFW before, and I feel like I'm right there to go forth again, but some sort of mental block keeps me from makin' the leap. Otherwise, I have no endpoint to this journey. I want to just draw stuff and share what I make with the world. Maybe it's foolish, maybe I'm lettin' my skills go to waste when I *could* be so much more, but I'm not tryna be much more cause I just want a simple life.

And now that I'm feelin' better after that wreck, I can pick my mechanical pencil back up again. But that said, there's also somethin' I wanna change about myself. I've kinda been doin' it here for as long as I can remember, but I need to branch this attitude out to the rest of my online presence, and that is: puttin' my foot down and to stop sugarcoatin'

An issue I've had when it comes to interactin' with people on Discord (and on REEtter to an extent) is that I was never really able to just say what I was really feelin' on matters discussed out of fear I'd butt heads with some folks and possibly get myself in trouble. Recently tho, with the Skullgirls controversy that was happenin', I learned a few things about some people I call friends and mutuals in one server that unsettled me, not because *I* would end friendships over a difference in opinion, but I fear *they* wouldn't hesitate. What's worse is that I've been in that server for a few years, I've had a lot of laughs with most of them, and I believe they're not bad people, persay, but lord in this climate, I know cancel culture is very much still a thing and I feared it big time. But even so, I can't keep up this enigmatic presence of mine where I never show my hand and pretend I'm not always up to speed on things. (It does depend on the topic tho, I'm mostly concerned with video game and manga/anime stuff) Even if it means I may lose those I consider friends and such, it's probably better I've got the mates that can actually handle the real me (or as real as I can be)

So no more fakin' myself just to belong in a group that may or may not tear me to shreds for my beliefs.

... fuck, I think there was more I wanted to say, but as I'm typin' this, those words have left the brain. Ah well, the point has been made.

Now, back to tomfoolery.

= END

[fayrinn]

With all these guys around, Vione-chan just can’t get a break! 

Me and my partner in crime @konstantya have recently fallen down the pit of High School AU revolving around the humanized Vione (yes, the floating fortress). And this is the early fruit, lol.