#in my dream I was worried I miscounted it too girl you DID NOT COUNT THAT

[tacit-semantics]

Seriously though I have been fixated on that bottle for HOURS girl you did not touch that. You did not even see it. I am actually very good at the counting I can recognize a group of five like no one’s business

My brain is BITING ME

[go4blood]

the 5 stages of grief / a.i.

Warnings: symptoms of depression, really sad stuff, mourning

Word count: 2.8k

Background info: the 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

A/N: have tissues ready if you’re sensitive to these topics. If you think you may be too sensitive about mourning and depressing themes, I understand if you don’t want to read. Do what’s best for you! If you ever need to talk, don’t hesitate to message me!

—

It was a normal Tuesday afternoon; Ashton was waiting for you to come home from work. As he was putting dishes in the dishwasher, his phone rang. He quickly washed his hands and answered the phone.

“Hello, who is this?”

“May I speak to Ashton Irwin?”

“This is him.”

“You need to come to the hospital immediately. Y/n y/l/n was just in an accident. You were her most recent person on her call log, so we thought you were the best person to contact.”

His heart dropped. He hung up and quickly put his shoes on and left in his car. He drove way past the speed limit, but he wasn’t worried about that right now. He parked his car and ran to the information desk in the emergency room. He quickly asked where she would be and gave his own name. A doctor came out, standing in front of him.

“You must be Ashton. Ms y/l/n was in a serious car accident. Drunk driver hit her while going way over the speed limit. The car tumbled down a hill… she’s on life support.”

He felt his heart rate quicken. This could not be happening.

Ashton grew angry, “She could die because of some drunk driver not having the sense to not drive under the influence!? Where the hell is this guy? Is he on life support too?”

“I’m not allowed to give information on other patients if you’re not their family member Mr Irwin. Just hang tight.”

Ashton was hysterical. He called your mother, asking if she heard. She was already on her way from a state over. He wished she could come sooner. She always had the right thing to say. Ashton was scared out of his mind. He had no one to panic to. He texted Calum, pleading for him to come to the hospital. Calum complied with no argument, arriving a half hour later. Calum had seen Ashton cry, but this time it was the worst he has ever seen. He wasn’t sure how to make Ashton worry less. It was near impossible.

—

6 hours passed and Ashton had run out of tears to cry. Your parents finally made it to the hospital.

The same doctor came back, “can you come back with me, please?”

Ashton and your parents followed the doctor to a room with chairs and a desk. There were many pamphlets in piles.

Dealing With Grief

Are You Depressed?

When To Get Help

Losing a Loved One

Ashton was scared. He just knew that the worst thing possible happened.

“Car accidents are very common, you see. A lot of times, people live. But sometimes you know not everyone gets lucky. Road traffic crashes rank as the 9th leading cause of death and account for 2.2% of all deaths globally…”

Ashton began to cry. He knew what he was going to say. You were gone. Forever.

Ashton fought through his tears, “Can’t you just try cpr again o-or maybe put her on life support again maybe she just needs a little longer you know? There has to be a way-“

“We did all that we could, young man.”

Your mother was hysterical. Your father felt numb. Ashton couldn’t bear to be in the room.

“There will be a court hearing for the man responsible for causing the accident in a week… he will be charged with vehicular homicide. This is a felony that, upon conviction, will result in a sentence of between 3 and 15 years of imprisonment.”

Ashton couldn’t take it anymore. He got up and left, slamming the door to the office.

—

The funeral followed less than a week later. All of the boys came to support him. It was hard to be here. Ashton had never felt so much pain.

“We gather here today to celebrate the life of y/n y/m/n y/l/n…”

Ashton cried all through this part. He couldn’t handle seeing your picture. He would never see you smile like that again. Once it was time for speeches, he stood up and walked to the podium.

“Y/n was perfect. Perfect for me. She always brought out the best in me. I remember the day we met like it was yesterday. I came to the coffee shop she worked at and ordered an iced americano. She told me I had bad taste in coffee. She’s not wrong. And I just laughed, saying ‘Well I have great taste in girls, so how about I get your number?’ It was cheesy, but I got her number so it was good enough for me. She was the prettiest girl I had ever seen. I took her on a picnic and I just knew. She was the one. 3 dates later, I asked her to be my girlfriend. She said yes for some reason, but thank god she did. I planned on proposing on our 3 year anniversary next month. I have the ring and everything. I’ll always be in love with her. I’ll never meet anyone better than her. I’m a lucky man.”

—

It’s been a week since the funeral. Every single day at 6:30 pm he would wait for you to come home, hoping one day that maybe it’d turn out that he was just dreaming and you never left. He was in a constant state of denial.

The day after the funeral he woke up in bed, turning on his side to admire you, but all that was there was an empty side of the bed. The blanket usually ended up all on your side. You were known to hog the blanket. It looked like that wouldn’t be a problem anymore. He got up and made the bed, going downstairs afterwards. He made himself a bowl of cereal and sat at the kitchen table. You two always had breakfast together. He couldn’t bear to eat without you, it was tradition. He would feel guilty. He picked his bowl up and poured the cereal into the garbage disposal, flipping the switch. Ashton’s phone dinged, Calum had texted him.

Did you want to go out for breakfast today with the guys?

Maybe it’d be good for him to get out of the house. He said yes and went back to the room to get dressed. Calum offered to drive, so Ashton waited for him to arrive.

—

“I’ll just have a coffee, black.”

The waitress walked away and the boys continued conversation. It was just normal banter, like usual. Nothing was out of character.

Ashton looked at the menu intensely, trying to decide what to get.

“What are you getting, mate?” Luke looked up from his menu at Ashton, one eyebrow raised.

“I might get pancakes, but I’m not 100% sure.”

“I think I’m getting French toast.” Ashton’s heart dropped. You would always order french toast. But he kept it all inside, clearing his throat.

“That’s a good choice.”

The coffees arrived and Ashton began to drink his. Everyone was talking normally. He desperately wanted to join conversation, but it was hard. He just kept to himself until someone spoke specifically to him.

“So Ash, we were thinking about having dinner at Cal’s place tonight. Ya know, like we used to. You down?” Michael looked at Ashton with hope, wanting to get Ashton out of the house.

“Yeah of course, sounds good.” Ashton smiled weakly, the boys cheering ‘we’re trashing Cal’s place yeah!’. He slightly smiled, he was lucky to have the guys in his life.

“No one is trashing my house!”

—

Everyone went straight to Calum’s house straight after breakfast. Everyone was just messing around as the night came, and everyone was just enjoying one another's company. Ashton sat on the couch, twiddling his fingers anxiously and laughing when everyone else would laugh so he would seem less off.

“Hey Ash, come help me set the table!” Luke called out from the kitchen.

Ashton made his way to the kitchen, opening the cabinet and taking out the plates. Subconsciously, he got out five plates and five forks. He handed two sets to Luke and they both set the table.

“I think you miscounted, mate.” Luke smiled, taking one plate and set of silverware off of this table.

“No no it’s right it’s you, me, Mike, Cal and… oh wait um yeah I guess there’s only four. Sorry.”

Luke realized why Ashton got out enough stuff for 5 people. You would join the boys once in a while for dinner with all of them.

“It’s alright, Ash.” Luke smiled weakly, trying to hide his worry.

The boys filed into the dining room, sitting at the table while chatting loudly.

Ashton sat in the last empty spot, putting food on his plate as everyone else did the same.

The boys chatted normally, talking about music and shows that they were watching on the television. Everything was normal. Ashton didn’t get how they could act like everything was normal.

“How can you guys just act like everything’s okay?” Ashton’s voice was calm, but inside he was breaking.

“We just want to get you out of the house Ash we’re worried about you…” Michael looked at Ash with sincerity, “we just want you to be okay.” He had never seen his friend this way; he didn’t know how to handle it.

“Maybe if she wasn’t fucking dead I would be okay! Maybe if that guy wasn’t an idiot and drove drunk she could be here with us! Why do good people get the bad end of the stick? It should’ve been me!”

Calum tried keeping his composure, “Ashton don’t say that, it shouldn’t be either of you. I know you’re hurting-“

“You don’t know shit! You don’t know how I feel! You’ll never know how I feel!”

“Ashton bud just calm down-“

“I’m calling a fucking Uber I can’t do this I-I’m not okay I can’t pretend I’m okay.” Ashton got up from the table, walking out the front door.

—

Weeks had passed since he stormed out of Calum’s house at dinner. As he drank his third glass of bourbon, Ashton couldn’t stop thinking about all possible outcomes.

“It should’ve been me” he thought.

What if he would’ve taken you to work and picked you up that day? What if he could’ve kept you in bed all day so you’d call in? What if he would’ve asked you to stop at the store right by your work before coming home?

Ashton didn’t understand why it had to happen to you. He was confused and hurt. He didn’t know what the meaning of life was anymore.

He decided to call Cal, and he answered after a few rings.

“How are you doing, Ash?”

“I don’t know. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I don’t know what’s wrong what should I do? What’s wrong with me?”

“Ashton are you drinking?”

Ashton didn’t say anything.

“Ashton. I’m coming over.”

Then the line went dead.

—

“I don’t know, Cal. My drinking problem came back a-and I can’t ever sleep more than 2 hours. What’s wrong with me?”

“Maybe we should take you to a therapist?”

“I’m embarrassed, Cal! I can’t talk to a random person about how I feel.”

Cal sighed in frustration, “Fine, we won’t get you a therapist. But you have to let me stay with you. I don’t want you doing anything stupid.”

“Okay, fine.”

“First order of business: no alcohol in the house.” Cal went to the alcohol cabinet, throwing it all in the trash. He grabbed the drink from Ash’s hand and poured the rest in the sink.

“Let’s get to bed.”

—

11 AM came around and Ashton still hadn’t got out of bed. Cal got up from the couch and wandered up to Ashton’s room. Ashton was wrapped in a blanket, looking at his phone.

“Ash let’s get outta bed now, right bud?”

Ashton just mumbled a quiet no in response, burying his head in the pillow. Ashton couldn’t bring himself to leave the bed. In bed, nothing could go wrong. He would be away from the world and all the problems that come with it.

“Alright Ash you leave me no choice,” Cal sighed and tore the blanket from Ashton’s hands, pulling him up by his arms, “alright let’s get you dressed and start the day.”

“I really don’t want to…”

“You’ll feel a lot better if you do, I promise.”

Ashton sighed, walking to the closet and picking out a t shirt and joggers. He put them on, looking in the mirror. His hair was a mess and he had dark circles under his eyes. His eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep. An excessive amount of weight had been lost due to loss of appetite. He was absolutely wrecked inside and out.

“There we go look at you! Ready for the day.”

“Yup, all ready.” Ashton smiled weakly. It was hard to see himself like that. He was so broken. He missed the old him, and how happy he used to always be.

“Okay let’s eat then.”

“I’m not hung…” Ashton stopped himself. He knew he had to eat. He didn’t eat yesterday at all, “Yeah let’s eat, what’s on the menu?”

“I was lazy today so I ordered dominos. Got your favorite pizza too because I’m the best. Thank me later.” Calum gave a cocky grin and Ashton laughed. Calum missed the old Ashton, and he was finally shining through.

Although, some days were worse than others.

Sometimes, Ashton absolutely could not get out of bed. He was losing weight rapidly, and Calum caught him crying constantly. Everything was crashing down faster and faster-what could Calum even do? He wasn’t a therapist nor a doctor, just a worried friend. As Calum sat in Ashton’s room while Ash buried his face in the pillow, Ashton finally spoke.

“I think I should see a therapist.”

“I think it’s the best thing for you, Ashton. I support you all the way.

—

The therapy room was cold. The walls were white and had some landscape paintings on them. There was a salt lamp giving off a faint orange glow in the corner, and the room was quiet.

“Ashton, you know it’s okay to not be okay, right? You know it’s okay to ask for help?”

“I was just afraid to burden people.” Ashton sat in the chair in the therapist's office, messing with a rubix cube subconsciously.

“Grief is a hard thing to go through without professional help, or help in general. You’re lucky you have a friend who stays with you and checks on you. He’s extremely worried about you. Tell me about y/n, what was she like?”

Ashton just smiled at the thought of you, “She was the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. She had the prettiest eyes, and the voice of an angel. She was patient. She was kind. She helped me out of my alcoholism. I didn’t deserve it, but god I’m glad I got it. I don’t know if I’ll love again. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was gonna marry her… she was like the embodiment of sunshine. I don’t know how to live life without her. It’s like living in a world without sun. What’s a world without light? She was my light and now I just feel lost.”

The therapist looked Ashton in the eyes, “She may not be here physically, but I know she feels the same about you. And I understand that it feels like you’re just walking alone in the dark, but it won’t be like that anymore once you learn how to live without her presence.”

“I miss her… but I know she wouldn’t want me to go on with my life feeling like this. She’s seen me at my worst before already. It killed her… maybe I need to work on being okay. I just don’t think I can stop loving her.”

“It’s okay to still love her, Ashton, just don’t stop your whole life. You have so much ahead of you.”

—

Ashton went to therapy 2 times a week for 2 months. In those 2 months, he learned so much about himself.

Ashton thought about you everyday. He put a picture of the both of you on his nightstand. He loved you so much. But he didn’t let missing you stop his whole life. He finally got out of the house with his friends more often. He started to cherish some moments alone by himself. Calum still checked on him everyday. Of course he had his days, but he was primarily getting better. He knew you’d be so proud of him, and that kept him going. He was so in love. He would never forget the color of your eyes or the sound of your voice. He would celebrate you for many years to come and learn that it’s okay to not be okay.

——

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