#in my defense he was abusive to his gf and a fucking asshole so I'm allowed

[yourmomsballsinmymouth]

Sucking her clit bc she can help me destroy someone's life and joy :)

[ochrearia]

I love that my synesthesia is something I get to apply to people and characters because of how I think make no mistake the type that I have is simply a hearing-sight blend that I can't control in my brain so I see shapes and colors from things I hear and mine works with music mainly though laughter and the wind also triggers it. It's just a quirk of my own way of thinking that lets me apply this to people and characters that I love. Music's already a big part of me and somewhere along the line I decided "You know what? Sound is like a second language to me already, instrumentals and music speaking in a way that vocal word can't, and who's to say I can't take in everything I've learned about a person, what makes them tick, what makes them who they are, their actions, thoughts, feelings, take all of those and create the concept of a soul by perceiving it all wrapped into one as a song that I have in my online libraries?" And that's what I do. Now let me go the fuck off about Pico Newgrounds because make no mistake I'm not an expert on this idiot but from what I personally see of him and what he can become with a nudge in the right or wrong direction is so. Wonderful to me

Now I have mentioned this before and I have even painted this and driven the point in that it's him but this is the song that Pico sounds like to me

And I think it's important for me to go into detail about something right off the bat. I am a firm believer in the idea that your trauma does NOT equal who you are. And by that I mean it can be a piece, or pieces, that help shape you and push you in directions that change yourself but it, to me, will never be You. There is ALWAYS more to a person than the shit they've gone through, more to a person than the shit they struggle with and have to live with as a result of a terrible event. Sorry to drop some wild Ochre lore here but My anxiety disorder, my past abusive relationship and subsequent SA encounter, those things aren't ME. They are parts, yes, and they are things that pushed me in the direction of what I am now but. That's not all I am, and I highly doubt anyone I've told about those things views me as just that. Pico is not just his trauma. They are pieces of him but they are not him. He's not the shooting, not the russian roulette, he's not any of it. Those are just things he lived through.

On the outside, he can be really explained by one word. Guarded. Because he is, guarding himself from the horrors of the world by being standoffish, and cruel at times, a damaged man with a gun not above killing people for his own benefit but that's just what he's learned to do to survive. The world's been nothing but unkind to him and he mirrors that outwardly, why should the world get to witness his vulnerability, his true self when all it's done is burn him? No, of course not. He can be a "bad" person but he isn't a bad person, not truly.

So who is Pico, then? At the end of everything he's been through, kind. Smart, and creative, knows a thing or two about survival and skilled with his guns and that's impressive. Cocky and still kind of an asshole, but at the same time loyal and willing to go over the edge and maybe too far for other people that aren't himself. I don't give a goddamn if PA or whoever the fuck says that Pico hates BF and GF, he was supposed to kill Boyfriend in FNF, TWICE, and he doesn't. I'd like to think that people don't just so casually disobey Daddy Dearest and all of his money. Pico does anyways. Loyalty. Even though it puts targets on his back from his own friends for a little bit. He does the right thing from a sense of kindness and morality that outwardly he'd have you believing he doesn't have. But it's there and I'm very much aware of it.

Yes, there will be days that he temporarily can become the "him" he shows outwardly as a defense mechanism. Bad days where he struggles mentally, days where everything seems hopeless and not worth it so why even bother being a real person? But that's still not fully *him* and he couldn't get rid of the aspects of his true personality even if he tried. Even if his head convinced him that he was a good for nothing murderer and lost cause of a man. He's not. Sometimes he believes it, and that's worrying, but he really just isn't. Though I suppose if you wanted to nudge his character in that direction, you still could. There is a clear darker path that he can be pushed to and that's something very audible in the song that I chose to encapsulate him if you listen close enough. But for the sake of where I like to see him, I don't fully go down that path because I believe in giving him a happier ending.

He is space blue, and a deep gray bordering on full black. He is jade green and an off-white/silver, hazy but strong and encircling back on himself like a spiral galaxy. Soft colors that move slowly, contrasting the idea that he can never slow down or stop because then he'd unravel and fall back to that vulnerable part of him he tries so hard to hide. He really is like a slow moving snowstorm, gentle moving flurries that envelop and capture instead. Crisp lines that move like arms curling out and back around to cover himself and all his vulnerabilities, though I can see past them anyway. A large, rounded central core to him. Rounded, not sharp, not spiky, because all he wants to do is be safe and maybe, if he doesn't have to hurt anyone, he may choose not to. It's an air of a scared and wounded animal. Make no mistake, Pico can take care of himself, but beyond the severe distrust of other people maybe there's a part of him that doesn't want to be so locked up within himself. And it's for those special few that his shell sometimes crumbles to where they can see his true colors, perhaps even drown in them.

Despite the space blue and deep gray being darker, like a cloud hanging around him, they contrast with the jade green and silver that pushes a sense of light in the midst of it all. Pico's layers are clear to me, at least from what I can see. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm just saying what I want to see, but I'd like to think I've got a knack for nailing people and even characters by now. And no matter what song they may be, what vision I may see, they are all so very beautiful and important. Doesn't matter if it's a real person or not. I think it gives a sense of life to characters that I really adore. They're real on some other sense of reality, in those worlds shown on my eyes by my synesthesia that aren't truly there but are real to me. Kind of a little like hallucinations which might sound scary but I like these ones compared to the encounters I've had with. Other ones that aren't so nice lmao. Maybe they aren't really there but they're "fake" things that I absolutely don't mind having around

Pico is kind of someone I see a shocking amount of myself in. We have different traumas but it's sort of lead to some of the same outcomes regardless. And I don't want to consider him a lost cause personally. I don't like making him suffer for no reason so when I do write him suffering it's either me projecting my own experiences through him or tackling a bit of his mental health issues that he just seems to have. But besides that I like to write him with an air of hope and healing because I don't care what he struggles with he deserves a damn happy ending.