#in high school i wasn’t really interested in boys but figured that was circumstantial

[j-esbian]

i know it’s well-meaning but i still kind of wince whenever i see people perpetuate the idea that wlw either 1) recognize their identity at a young age and have “””normal””” teenage romantic/sexual relationships with other girls or 2) live in perfect ignorance until a certain point (and therefore still had “””normal””” heterosexual teenage experiences) and their inexperience with women is due to the fact that they have just come out

[annabelleb49]

Father Figure- Chapter 2

Rafael Barba x Reader

Notes: This one seemed to get more attention than I expected! I hope you all enjoy! Also, I mentioned before in this world ‘The Undiscovered Country’ never happened, and in this world Amaro also never left and Carisi is still a detective. (I don’t like ADA Carisi, he lost so much personality. RIP)

Chapter 2: 

You didn’t see Rafael for two weeks after that Saturday. Friday morning he called you, as he finished setting up the internship. 

Hey Y/N, I finished setting up the internship. Is there any particular bureau you’re interested in working in? I know you might not want to work with me, since SVU could be too much to handle.

You scratched your head. You knew you wanted to go to law school, but to be quite honest you were more interested in corporate law. But you still loved the DAs office and the experience you gained there would help you no matter what path you chose. 

Not really. But SVU wouldn’t be too much for me, and I would love to work with you...if that’s alright, of course.

A pause on the line.

That’s totally fine. Can you come in this afternoon to get started? 

Sounds good! Thanks Rafael.

The entire school day went by too slowly, all you could think about was starting your new internship. You practically sprinted home from the subway after school, changing into formal business attire. A red blouse with black pants that flared out at the bottom topped with your black wool coat. It was winter in NYC, after all. You texted your mom quickly that you had started an internship at the DAs office and would be out that evening. You didn’t bother telling your dad. You exited the apartment, riding the subway to One Hogan Place once again. You went up to Rafael’s floor, and this time his assistant was sitting there, a beautiful young woman with flawless skin. You walked up to her. 

“Excuse me? I’m here to start an internship.” you said.

She looked up from her computer. “Oh, you must be Y/N! Mr. Barba is expecting you. I’m Carmen, by the way. If you need anything don’t hesitate to ask me.” she smiled at you warmly and led you to Rafael’s room, knocking softly before opening the door and leading you inside. “Mr. Barba, Y/N is here.” She exited the room, leaving you alone with Rafael. 

Rafael got up from his desk, greeting you warmly. “Y/N, good to see you! Have a seat and we can discuss the terms of your internship.” You sat down at the same seat across his desk that you sat at just two weeks earlier. Sitting down himself, he smiled at you. “So, before we begin, how have you been?” 

“Same old. I didn’t have another mental breakdown and run down the streets of New York again, though.” you sighed. 

He looked at you sadly. “Like I said, please don’t hesitate to ask me for help. I don’t want you to suffer through it alone.” You nodded at him. 

He shuffled some papers on his desk. “In regards to your internship, you will be assigned to work with me. You’ll sit second chair with me in court, only to watch though. You will also help me with motions and research and observe as I work with SVU. They come here a lot and I go to their precinct a lot too, so you’d accompany me. But as you are still in high school with a busy schedule, I won’t force you to be here all the time. I’ve set reasonable hours for you.” He paused before continuing. “If at any point you feel uncomfortable with the stuff we deal with in SVU, please tell me. You don’t have to intern with me, there are other bureaus that you could transfer to.” 

This was going to be so exciting! “I understand. Thank you so much...Rafael. Can I still call you that since you’re technically my boss now?” you questioned.

He laughed. “Of course. It’s honestly refreshing for someone to call me by my first name. To most people I’m just ‘Barba’.” He stood up and brought some papers over to the coffee table in front of his couch. “Today is officially your first day as an intern. I’ll start off by having you go over these motions. SVU is coming over soon to discuss the case and you can watch.” You nodded and moved to sit at the couch. A few minutes later, six detectives burst through the door. A tall brunette woman was the first to speak up.

“Barba, we need the warrant now.” None of them seemed to even notice you. 

Rafael’s demeanor changed dramatically. It seemed he was in sassy ADA mode now. “It’s all circumstantial evidence! You need to do your job and find me enough evidence so I can actually get you the warrant?!” he spat. “Walk me through what you have so far.” They all went over to stand around the table. A tall, cheerful looking blonde man opened up a file and set a bunch of images on the table. “The rapist has been targeting the same type of women. Seven women in seven locations, all tall brunettes. He’s escalating too, the last one almost died.” You grimaced. He wasn’t lying when he said SVU deals with some awful stuff. 

The tall brunette woman spoke up again. “We have a suspect, a wealthy socialite with connections to all the women. He’s been to social events with every single one of the victims.” 

Rafael looked up with raised eyebrows. “Seriously? You want me to get you a warrant for his place because he’s been to some parties which the victims also went to?” He threw up his hands exasperatedly. “Any DNA evidence? Even a shred?” 

“That’s why we need the warrant.” a pretty blonde detective spoke up this time. “Please, counselor, he’s the guy.” 

Rafael rolled his eyes. “Fine. I’ll get the right judge and you’ll have the warrant in an hour. You better be 110% sure this is your guy!” The cheerful looking detective collected the photos and put them back into the file. The detectives started to leave the room, when the tall brunette lady noticed you. 

“Who’s this, Rafael?” she said, turning to look at him. The rest of the detectives looked at you as well.

“Oh, this is my new intern, she’s a high school student. Y/N, meet Captain Benson, Sergeant Tutuola, and Detectives Carisi, Amaro, and Rollins.” he said, gesturing towards each of them as he said their names. You made a mental note to memorize which one was which. 

Captain Benson gave Rafael a quizzical look. She turned back to you. “Nice to meet you, Y/N.” The rest of the detectives mumbled their greetings as well before rushing out of the office, presumably to go catch that rapist. Once they left, you let out a breath. 

“Wow. Those are some...interesting cops.” you said, unsure of what to think. Rafael sighed. 

“They’re good cops but they expect me to bend the law for them.” He walked back to his desk. “I hope those motions aren’t boring you too much.” he said, rubbing the bridge of his nose. You thought it was funny how he was so nice to you but so brash with SVU. You let out a small laugh. 

He looked up. “What’s so funny?” 

You smiled awkwardly. “Oh nothing... just you’re so nice to me and so...sassy with the detectives. That’s all.” You finished, grinning sheepishly. 

He cocked his head at you. “I may be an asshole at work, but I’m not an asshole all the time.” 

You two worked in silence for a while, him at his desk and you on his couch before he stood up and walked over to you. 

“It’s getting late. We can stop here for today.” You nodded and stood up, putting on your coat. 

“Are you heading home as well?” you asked him. 

He laughed dryly. “No, I work late. Can you come in tomorrow around noon?” he asked. You could see his stress lines on his face. 

“Of course.” You hesitated before saying, “You work too much, Rafael. You should get some rest.” He nodded absentmindedly and opened the door for you, waving goodbye as you left. 

Saturday came and went, you went to his office and did some paperwork with him. You could tell how overworked he was. He worked late on Fridays and worked all day Saturday. Before you left on Saturday evening, you told him, “Please tell me you take Sundays off at least.”

He smirked. “Of course I get Sundays off. I may be a workaholic but even I need at least one day of rest.” The two of you exited One Hogan Place together, waving goodbye as you went your separate ways. 

Back at home, you had dinner with your family, as always. Your mom asked you about your internship. “So who do you work for, and what do you do?”

You munched a little before answering. “I work for Rafael Barba, he’s an ADA for SVU. I basically watch him in court and help him with court paperwork. The main goal is to observe what a real lawyer’s work looks like.” Your mom nodded, saying how great that sounded. Your dad just ignored you. 

The weeks went by quickly. You had grown accustomed to being Rafael’s intern. Your favorite moments were definitely observing him in court. He dominated the courtroom like no one else, and you always got caught up in his snappy one-liners and his ability to push defendants to crack on the stand. The paperwork was boring, but you didn’t mind. All in all, you really enjoyed working with Rafael, and it seemed he enjoyed your company as well. You grew close over those few weeks, often grabbing lunch together and chatting like old friends. 

One night he texted you while you were catching up on some homework in your bedroom. 

[Rafael Barba, 7:39 pm]: Hey Y/N. I’ve got some free time this Sunday. You deserve something for being a great intern for so long. Do you want to spend some time in in the city together? Dinner on me. 

[Y/N, 7:40 pm]: I’d love to! 

[Rafael Barba, 7:40 pm]: Sounds good. I’ll come pick you up at your place at 5. 

[Y/N, 7:41 pm]: Do you need my address?

[Rafael Barba, 7:41 pm]: No need, I have it from your internship information. See you soon.

The last time you went out for dinner with someone was with a boy you had a crush on in middle school. Lets just say that did not end well. And you rarely went out to eat or do anything with your family, most notably your father. It sounded nice to get out and do something, especially with someone you had grown close with. 

Sunday afternoon came, and you dressed casually, in a black turtleneck with high waisted jeans and your wool coat. You left the apartment and when you stepped onto the sidewalk, you saw a cab waiting at the curb. The door opened and Rafael stepped out, beckoning you to come over. You stood dumbfounded for a second. His camel coat was open and you could see his casual red sweater inside and his dark jeans. These few weeks you had seen a lot, but certainly not Rafael in casual clothes. He was always in some fancy three piece suit or suspenders. “What?” he asked, spotting the confusion on your face. 

“You look so...different.” You poked his chest. “Never thought I’d see the day you wore something other than a suit.” You giggled. 

He laughed and sat next to you inside the cab. You arrived in Times Square, the busy streets drowning out the sound of the cab. “So what are we going to do in Times Square?” you asked. 

He paid the cab fare and shut the door. “We could just walk around and do a little shopping, if that sounds good. Then I’ll take you to dinner, like I said.” 

You smiled. “That sounds amazing!” 

The rest of the evening before dinner you spent walking around and browsing all the shops, big and little. When you led him inside Forever 21 to see if there was anything on sale, he squirmed as you passed mannequins dressed in lingerie. You giggled at him. “See something you don’t like, counselor? Relax it’s just some underwear, after all.” He led you into the Hershey’s store where you both bought a hefty amount of chocolate, munching on some as you exited the store. He had insisted he pay for everything, even though you protested and said you had your own money. You bought a few pieces of clothing and candy while he bought himself some candy as well, all of which he paid for. 

Soon it was dinner time and he hailed another cab and took you to an expensive looking Cuban restaurant. As you settled into your seat, you remarked the uniqueness of the place. “Wow, Cuban food. Can I ask why you chose Cuban?” 

He raised an eyebrow at you. “I’m Cuban, if you haven’t noticed. Yo hablo espanol fluido. (I speak fluent Spanish)” 

A waiter walked over to greet you. “So nice to see fathers and daughters out together. What can I get you today?” 

You blushed, looking down nervously. Did you really look like a father-daughter duo? 

Dinner went by smoothly, and you found that when you were in his presence you forgot about all your own family troubles. It was refreshing to be completely free for once. After dinner he took you back to your place in his cab. Instructing the driver to wait there for a second, he stepped out to take you back to your room as it was dark out. You opened your door with your key and gave him a hug before stepping inside. Before you could say goodbye to Rafael, your mom came out of her room and noticed him. “You must be Mr. Barba! Please come in, I’m Y/N’s mother.” she opened the door wider as Rafael stepped inside. They shook hands. You noticed Rafael’s jaw clench when he saw your father sitting on the couch on his phone, ignoring everything that was happening. Your mom and Rafael chatted for a bit before he said farewell and left your apartment. As you passed the living room on your way to your bedroom, you saw your dad’s fish clenched in a ball and his face slightly reddened, like he looked mad. You rolled your eyes to yourself. If he was going to punch you, you didn’t care. Let him be mad you were living your best life. 

As Rafael sat in the cab going back to his place, he thought about all the events. You were a special girl and he never expected himself to be becoming a sort of father figure in someone’s life. The waiter at the restaurant had even mistaken you two for being a father-daughter duo. He knew he had to step up and fill that father hole as much as he could, and it was proven even more when he stepped into your apartment and saw your son of a bitch father sitting on the couch, ignoring your presence. He may have suffered a different sort of abuse when he was a kid, but the pain was all the same. He cared for you and he was going to try to be there for you as much as he could.

~

Author’s Note: Really liking this so far :)

Tag List: @sturchling

[andlikelions]

Skeletons.

Amid the wave of female badass-ery and bravery in confronting sexual harassment I feel ashamed that I can’t find the courage to be public about my own “me too” experience.

I think because being harassed or taken advantage of feels so shameful, for me. I certainly won’t speak for others.

I guess to come clean, or to begin to, this will be the first place I air and share it. And I have to begin with what seems to be irrelevant details, they are what makes it human and real-life and not just circumstantial.

I was 14 when my mom forced me to find a job. Her intentions were absolutely in the right place, and I don’t fault her in any way. She drove me around to pick up applications and to sell myself as being 15 and available in just a couple of months.

I didn’t want just any job, I was an adolescent and didn’t want to be perceived as a loser. I was very very much about preserving what little pride and value I felt I had.

At home our lives were in disarray, myself and my siblings had to travel back and forth between our always disputing parents’ houses. We were never at one house for more than a couple of days. Normally that would be ok, except that my dad was married to a woman who was way bitter about taking care of someone else’s kids. She stole from me, lots of money. Never shared anything so much as socks. She conspired against us- mainly me, and next my sister. My dad worked 2nd shift so we didn’t see him much. I think he worked odd shifts to have affairs. Maybe I’m wrong.

It made me angry and I felt as though I had to work extra hard to be viewed as worthy by cute boys, or by teachers that I wanted to impress.

I remember hearing that a girl a couple of years older than me worked at Price Chopper. She went to a different school, but I had heard the stories of how popular she was and saw pictures of how pretty she was. She came from an upper middle class well known and respected family. Surely if she worked at Price Chopper it was legit.

So I went in to the store when I was pushing 15 years old, and filled out a paper application. My mom told me I would have to sort of hassle them in order for them to sincerely consider me. So I checked in a couple of times to see if they were interested. Finally I spoke with a front end manager who hired me to start working when I turned 15.

I felt so liberated and important. I would be making my own money. I would have a name badge. I wasn’t fearful at all, I was invigorated. Not many of my peers had jobs yet. I would be making $6.25/hour.

I worked quite a number of hours for a 15 year old. I think I was working 20-27 hours per week. And I was cheerleading at the time, too. I had little time to be at home and I loved it that way.

I made lots of new friends from neighboring towns and schools. I didn’t have many friends from the high school I went to, so I think I gathered esteem from making new fresh friends. Friends who didn’t know or need to know my reputation. I was pretty, I had a sweet smile, I was friendly, I had nice hair, I was coyishly funny.. I got so many compliments from people, customers and coworkers expressing how nice it was to be around me. I felt pampered and like I mattered.

After a number of months, I would say 9-10 months I met a department manager who didn’t jump out at me as anyone I would talk to let alone lose my virginity to.

The first time I met him, I checked him out at the checkout. It was very benign. No insinuating gestures or comments. His girlfriend/wife I’m not sure worked in another department at the store with whom he had a 7 year old daughter.

After a while he weasled his way into conversations that involved me until I was comfortable enough to talk to him alone. I remember sitting in the break room just the two of us one day and he said, “I want to teach you”. I had no idea what he was implying. Not at all. He would periodically say it when he saw me and repeatedly asked if I could figure out what he meant. I was that naive it never crossed my mind that he was thinking of sex.

He started walking me out to my car on the nights that I worked. It made me feel comforted and cared about. I liked it. I wanted him to walk me out. He was tall and slender and it just made me feel safe.

One night he walked me out and as I opened my car door he stopped me and stared at me with an unusual look. It was a a sort of smile that was holding back a fierce intensity. He leaned in and kissed me. I kissed him back. In the parking lot. He told me he knew it seemed unusual but he was falling for me. He told me he was in the middle of separating from his partner. And he wanted to spend more time with me.

He was 24 years older than me.

It was around that time I got my first cell phone. A Nokia with a green screen. My parents didn’t know enough to check it to see if anything suspicious was going on, so I was basically free. But I was still relatively innocent and so I hadn’t intended to do anything suspicious- or so I thought.

He figured out a time that we could meet, and asked if I could make it happen. I said yes. He wanted to go for a drive. So I met him in a parking lot and he got in my car. I had very recently gotten my license.

I asked where we were going and he said to drive until I found a discreet place to pull off. All the while he was checking me over from head to toe with a giddy smile on his face. It made me nervous but I thought maybe this is just what it’s like.

I found a grass covered makeshift road to pull into. I pulled in far enough that my car could not be seen from the road, it was in a wooded area with no houses nearby.

We got out of the car, I walked around and was about to comment on how nice of a day it was and.. he pulled me to him and started kissing me with ferocity. I went along with it. It felt good. I didn’t know what I was thinking. I was sort of blunted by it.

He leaned me against the car and unbuttoned my shirt all the way down in the front and pulled it open, while kissing my neck and chest and rubbing his groin on mine. I trusted him. I had no reason to, but I did.

He whispered in my ear, “I don’t want your first time to be like this. I want you to be comfortable. You deserve to be treated like a queen”.

That totally threw me, I still hadn’t gathered that he was planning to have sex with me. In hindsight I was so so ignorant. I was 16.

After another number of days we agreed on a day after work that I would go to his new house that he lived in by himself. It was not too far away. He brought me inside and just wanted to get right to it. We made out for quite a while and he brought me to his room. He got undressed and started helping me to do the same. I was still stunned by it happening and had zero idea of consequences or really the reality.

And then it happened. I didn’t know how to do it, so I just laid there while he did it, he stared into my eyes the whole time. It wasn’t special to me, I didn’t love it.

Over time I was manipulated more and more to spend more time with him despite my absence beginning to raise questions at home.

My parents had no idea. Not a clue. But they were curious as to who I was spending time with and hoping it were decent friends. Little did they know.

All of my time became about him. And not by my choice. He started wanting me to find sneaky ways to see him every single day to have sex with him. Before school, after school, after work..

Finally, my mom and my aunt found out. They had no idea the extent. My mom found an email he had sent me, since email was much easier to prod through then. He used to write me lengthy love notes professing his love for me and that he wanted to shower me with all things, cruises, items, anything I wanted..

I didn’t want any of those things. He found out that I liked Extra spearmint gum, Carmelo’s (when I was on my period), and Snapple Lemon iced tea, so he always made sure I had a stock of those things.

I can’t begin to describe the feeling of getting caught and how awful and hollowing it felt, I was so ashamed and felt so guilty like I had been doing something so terribly wrong. Which I was.

My parents made me quit my job at Price Chopper, understandably. My dad couldn’t even look at my face anymore. He just wanted me to say I didn’t sleep with him. I lied to him and told him I hadn’t. And I was absolutely terrified by what might happen if he found out. I was afraid my dad would kill him.

Through all of the trouble it started to become more clear how much of a red flag the whole situation was. His obsession with me became more and more intense. He would hang up on me if I said that I wasn’t going to be able to come see him. When really I wanted to see him but my parents’ were on alert for anything that appeared sneaky and I was afraid.

I started working at Staples, little did my parents know it was actually closer to his house. And so I was able to sneak over to see him a little more easily. And one night, I did the unthinkable. I lied and said I was sleeping at a friend’s house and slept at his house. I was so scared to go home wondering if my face had guilty written all over it.

By that point, it was about a year in, I had seen him surprisingly often considering the hoops I had to jump through. He was contemplating going to the police academy. He wanted to carry on his family legacy, apparently most of the men in his family were in law enforcement. I encouraged him to. I wanted him to feel like he could see his dream and wish come true. So he went and finished the course.

Shortly after, he got a job as a police officer with a nearby police department. I remember going to his house and him showing me his gun. He said in what seemed like a joking, humorous manner, “if you ever leave me I’m going to kill you and then myself”.

I didn’t take it seriously.

I grew tired of his fantastical obsession with me. And I met a young man my age at Staples who I became attracted to. He was a rebel. I felt like a rebel.

I went to his house one last time to say I was leaving. I’ll never forget, he was walking around in his boxer briefs that he got specially because I said I thought they would look good. He only wanted me, and he was passionate about it. Anything to keep me.

He was crying, sobbing. He followed me out to my car blubbering all kinds of things I couldn’t understand through his tears. I felt bad but I was over it. And like the child that I was, I ended it in a childish way. I have to say I was even more mature than most and at least told him to his face.

It’s been many many years, I see him from time to time, and it always raises so many unanswered and unexplained feelings of guilt and shame.

His daughter has grown up to be a remarkable, beautiful, devout socialist feminist and I wonder how much she knows about her dad’s secrets. Maybe she knows everything. Maybe she thinks I’m a home-wrecking slut. I wish she knew, I wish she at least knew that I am so sorry for what it must have brought her at her young age.

It makes me cringe to think I could have been a statistic had he been more violent. I fell so fast and easily for it.

I haven’t publicly shared any of this story, and certainly none of the details to anyone. I feel like I owed him because I led him on. I feel like I gave a siren call and he pursued his primitive instincts. But he should have known better.

It has certainly affected how I approach relationships. I’ve had to work hard at valuing myself, at having integrity and realizing I am more than a physical object. I’ve struggled with trust. That may be the biggest challenge, in part because my trust issues supersede my days with him.

I’ve come a long way. I don’t feel buried by it anymore. I feel like my own person. I know I’m not alone, and that’s a terrible thought.

[naeemnasir-blog]

Sell houses beautiful in fast Massachusetts

I am not about to moan regarding my childhood. Overall, it absolutely was nice. i used to be a embonpoint very little child that didn't prefer to be created fun of. after I was twelve years recent I saw the adult male. Olympia contest on Wide World of Sports. that's wherever everything began. i used to be suddenly terribly excited. That summer, Johnny Reb flier gave Pine Tree State a bench and also the following Christmas I received a group of weights. My life was in my hands and management. i used to be extremely driven.

I did not apprehend something regarding figuring out. All I had was associate degree instruction sheet that came with my concrete crammed weights. I followed the directions meticulously and once a number of months, I began to see results. i assumed they were results anyway. folks in my faculty|secondary school|lyceum|lycee|Gymnasium|middle school} school saw my arms began to grow and everybody wished to arm wrestle Pine Tree State. i used to be still a embonpoint child, however everyone suddenly wished to be my friend and that i was driven. I currently had goals.

I compete soccer in college|highschool}|secondary school|lyceum|lycee|Gymnasium|middle school} school and knew that I wished to play in high school. I perpetually compete sports and women likable athletes. close to the top of my ninth grade (15 years old), my transition to highschool began with Spring soccer follow at Hamden highschool.. we have a tendency to solely had one week of it for ninth graders, however it absolutely was an opportunity to point out the coach what I might do. however might I be intimidated by folks in my very own grade? I couldn't and wasn't. i used to be terribly driven to kick some butt since children from the opposite faculty|secondary school|lyceum|lycee|Gymnasium|middle school} school in my city would be there. They were still a vast rival, none of them were my friends however and that i wished to try and do some injury. I did. The coaches had expectations on behalf of me return the autumn.

Triple sessions began in late August. it absolutely was improbably hot and wet. i assumed i used to be about to die. It wasn't the primary triple session day that was hardest either, it absolutely was the second. that's the day once you ar implausibly sore and tired. None folks knew it, however a metamorphosis was happening in our minds and bodies. As we have a tendency to got through the week, we have a tendency to began to believe that we have a tendency to might create it to the top. On weekday, we have a tendency to had a scrimmage. That was our initial chance to hit somebody different then our NEW friends.

The following Wed was the primary day of college. I didn't understand it however triple sessions caused Pine Tree State to lose just about all of my embonpoint and that i had a replacement set of huge Traps. i could not believe it. Suddenly, women were inquisitive about Pine Tree State. i used to be interested right back. soccer had a number of the best and worst moments of my short life. None of my friends might ever say otherwise regarding them.

It is currently twenty nine years since I graduated from highschool. a number of my best friends from some time past ar my best friend's currently. after we see one another currently, it's am fond of it was yesterday. Nothing is totally different - that Is Great!

Now for the best and worst components Of the remainder of my life.

After graduating from highschool, I visited Hub of the Universe faculty within the fall of 1980. it is a terribly strange transition once more, going from huge man on field to nothing/no one. I knew I might blast through that wall. I simply had to work out however. initial semester freshman year was powerful. I didn't do still as I did in highschool and everybody appeared smarter than Pine Tree State. once that semester finished, I spent loads of your time puzzling over the remainder of my days in faculty. I might screw and screw far better than I did throughout initial semester I additionally spent loads of your time throughout Christmas break drinking with my highschool friends.

During Christmas break I went over each note, test and chapter from my chemistry, physics and calculus categories. after I dawned to highschool, i used to be invigorated and extremely prepared. My apprehension was just about gone and it absolutely was time to form Hub of the Universe faculty awake to what and UN agency they were addressing. I studied and studied, rewrote my notes daily and asked loads of queries. Professors solely slightly intimidated Pine Tree State. i used to be grading huge on all of my exams.

Back to initial semester. in the future this guy in my living quarters named Kurt saw Pine Tree State and aforementioned "hey, you bought some huge arms". I checked out him with disdain and aforementioned thanks. In my mind I really aforementioned "thanks, tell Pine Tree State one thing i do not already know". Kurt didn't comprehend it, however I loved his size. He was the large one. a small amount of a block while not form however, he was terribly huge and powerful. i used to be happy that he thought what he did. Kurt didn't live to tell the tale my floor. i used to be currently completely out of form as a result of the Sports complicated (plex) had been closed for a protracted time for renovations. wherever might I raise weights? fortuitously, Kurt knew.

We would thumb to the YMCA in Watertown, Massachusetts. i used to be finally lifting once more, feeling larger once more and that i had an addict that thought like Pine Tree State. Actually, he was larger, stronger and enhanced at finding an area like this. I might learn one thing from him. Kurt additionally created Pine Tree State laugh and had these same style in music. Loud and laborious.

College went on and on. we have a tendency to were best friends and roommates throughout our final 2 years. we have a tendency to accustomed sneak into the player weight space to figure out. it absolutely was easier than hitchhiking. Suddenly, the trainers for the athletes gave USA each jobs as strength coaching coaches. we have a tendency to did not do something, we have a tendency to simply upraised and grew. we have a tendency to were extraordinarily happy.

Early in my senior year i used to be accepted into the Navy atomic power Program. once graduation, i'd move to The Officer Candidate college in Newport, Rhode Island. i used to be about to be a sailor boy.

Officer Candidate college wasn't what I expected. I got there within the best possible form of my life. I saw the picture, a politician and a Gentleman repeatedly and that i wasn't about to be caught off guard. Well, I was. The physical facet of OCS wasn't extremely there. No obstacle course, no Dover Dunker- simply morning runs and weekday morning obligatory Fun. throughout my initial liberty, i used to be walking down the road with my frozen dessert suit on and a automotive load of hot trying women drove up to Pine Tree State, pause and shouted SQUID! Couple that with the very fact that we have a tendency to were in Newport and that i might hear all of the fun being had down within the wharf and also the heat. My focus didn't appear to be with Pine Tree State. I left OCS a bit over one month once obtaining their. trying back, I most likely ought to have given it longer. I simply could not miss another sweat.

Later that summer, I did not have employment for the autumn or any prospects. And this was positively not Pine Tree State. i used to be perpetually square away. i used to be currently bartending at a resort known as vacation Hill. Technicon was having their company picnic. I spoke to a number of folks regarding what they did and took some recommendation. I paid loads of attention to the personnel manager. He gave Pine Tree State his card and told Pine Tree State to connect it to my resume. ten days later I had associate degree interview.

Being freshly out of the Navy, and having no time to shop for a suit, I borrowed one from Kurt. Now, Kurt was larger than Pine Tree State and had a way wider waist therefore, i used to be not completely snug doing the interview. Brian Taylor, my asker was terribly understanding and that they did decision Pine Tree State back for a second interview. This time, I had a suit. The second interview went o.k. and that i had employment supply following day.

My folks house was precisely sixty five miles aloof from Technicon. it might be powerful, however in 6-9 months i'd have a sales territory which issue would be gone. I got into the grind of travel, figuring out, very little bits of going out on the weekends. i used to be having an excellent time. I met loads of latest folks at work and at the gymnasium. Most of them were useful.

OK -- --Now, being a adult up slowly and forcefully kicks in.

Right around Dec, 1984 I began to feel a bit bit totally different. Not bad, not higher simply totally different. I had a small tingling sensation in my legs. I notice that I gained a bit weight and wished to behave to seem my best for traveling. Technicon acquired my lunches as a result of i used to be coaching customers. i used to be perpetually into nutrition and lost some weight. Correctly, just about i assumed. I noticed  that my strength was decreasing. I squatted 600 pounds early in Dec 1984 and late in Dec, that wasn't doable. I additionally noticed  that my bench press was researching the ground in a very hurry. I did not have a sense of strength running through my body any longer..There was some sort of disconnect. terribly strange. I knew what the matter was, I simply lost some weight and my body was adjusting to it. most likely solely circumstantially correct.

Well, over following number of months I lost a lot of strength. What was going on? I simply did not apprehend and did not need anyone else to note.

Line within the Sand Day

Late February/early March 1985. we have a tendency to were enjoying a fast game of basketball. I slipped and moulding the ligaments in my gliding joint. I simply unbroken moving forward. Nothing was about to stop Pine Tree State from being booming. I visited the metropolis Conference command in point of entry throughout late March. It wasn't a lot of fun to face up for eight hours with a sew, however I did it. point of entry was fantastic. Great food. I found out at the YMCA and it absolutely was a scarey place. My perspective, assertive or no matter created Pine Tree State feel right reception.

After 6-8 weeks in a very forged, it absolutely was removed. Actually, I removed it myself with a branch cutter. I did that as a result of I had a date and my foot extremely smelled. Guess what, I ne'er walked absolutely once more. Was it my gliding joint simply taking its time obtaining robust again? perhaps, I required a bit deserts. Was it one thing else? folks noticed  and asked Pine Tree State regarding things loads. I began to get self-conscious and would perpetually modification the topic. UN agency cares what is wrong, I will still walk - RIGHT?

I was asked to pay loads of your time in Wisconsin and Minnesota to sell to the butter and cheese makers. i used to be terribly excited regarding going. i'd be disbursement Apr, could and a part of Gregorian calendar month out there. it absolutely was stunning. I oversubscribed a bit bit, saw the sites and came home each weekend. Strange company policy. i used to be uptake properly, my gliding joint recovered and that i was prepared for following stage of my career.

Late June, 1985 I moved  to Cherry Hill, New Jersey. I had an excellent housing. there have been 3 different units, 2 of that were occupied. The first, by a few that were reporters for the metropolis talker and also the second with two women that simply graduated from the University of Michigan.

Punch in the Face Day - i used to be not gaining any strength and that i was losing some coordination. i assumed the orthopedical that place the sew my gliding joint should have screwed up and screwed Pine Tree State up. I visited associate degree orthopedical in New Jersey. He did all of those tests and told Pine Tree State that there was no screw up. He referred Pine Tree State to a medical specialist. The medical specialist suggested that i buy associate degree tomography done to induce a higher examine things. I had another appointment once the results were within the doctor's hands. The doctor told Pine Tree State that I had MS, disseminated sclerosis. What the hell is that? He told Pine Tree State that it's a nervous disorder wherever the body grub the sheath off of the nerves. Those points scar over inflicting an intermission within the neurologic flow. This ends up in my loss of coordination and strength. does one have a pill that may cure me? No, one doesn't exist. In fact, nothing exists. I wished a second opinion. That appointment was created on behalf of me at the University of Pennsylvania eye. i used to be told the precise same things. this point but in a very a lot of colder approach. I left while not paying.

What am I about to do? i want to induce out of latest Jersey to somewhere safe.

One day i used to be acting on the road once my ostensibly annual grippe came to decision. I went home and got into bed shivering. I visited sleep and regarding eight o'clock that night I awakened sweating. Nothing new right? Well, I couldn't move my legs. i used to be improbably afraid and crawled out of bed dragging myself across the ground to my workplace. I force down the phonephone associate degreed immersed an automobile. That was the sole factor i assumed I might do. i used to be taken to the hospital and given many glasses of water. inside a few of minutes, i used to be absolutely fine. I didn't feel sick and that i might walk. The couple from upstairs came to the hospital once they saw the automobile. They brought Pine Tree State home.

I am not about to pay loads of your time here, however i used to be alone in a very totally different state. I didn't apprehend the most effective ways that to manage a sales territory. I didn't have all of the abilities required-Yet. Then in the future my phonephone rang. it absolutely was a headhunter UN agency told Pine Tree State regarding Leybold Heraeus and their Inficon Division. They oversubscribed mass spectrometer's. I took a research course in faculty and that we engineered one. Great fit. I got the work and moved  back home, however into associate degree housing. Most of all of my friends and family would be nearer.

My job at Inficon was nice. i used to be mercantilism spectroscope, atomic number 2 leak detectors and vacuum gauges primarily to IBM. it absolutely was an excellent work and that i was terribly booming at it. One downside, IBM could be a large facility in East Fishkill and Yorktown Heights, New York. might my legs and coordination traumatize the walking? i feel that I trained all of my adult life for the war that was before Pine Tree State. i used to be prepared for the battle.

Battle I did. i used to be terribly booming. My legs began to extremely hassle Pine Tree State. Meaning, walking was terribly troublesome. I had to urinate oftentimes. Finding a rest room at a convenient time whereas at a client website is extremely typically troublesome. i used to be not associate degree workplace person. I required to get on the road and with customers. I felt am fond of it was my line to troubleshoot and solve issues.

I was operating with a medical specialist at Yale. the most recent factor was a blasting of Cytoxan, therapy. i assumed i'd be cured therefore, I did it. Once I got here my room, i used to be overcome with worry and apprehension. would not you be? I looked out the window, gripped my crucifix and aforementioned, "God, if I ever required you, i want you right now! Please help". He Did. Still looking the window I suddenly felt a faucet on my shoulder and it absolutely was a priest asking Pine Tree State if i'd prefer to be blessed. Yes, affirmative affirmative affirmative I do. reasonably a freaky moment, however it did happen.

They came to my space and did a spinal puncture. It really didn't hurt that a lot of. a number of minutes later, an oversized nurse came in my space and told Pine Tree State they'd to insert a tubing. projecting one thing within my crotch wasn't about to happen if I had something to try and do with it. i'd not let her and even went thus far on provide her my specific authorization to not. My doctor came within the space associate degreed shouted at Pine Tree State and told Pine Tree State that it absolutely was not an choice as a result of they didn't need any Cytoxan to require residence in my body. it absolutely was that harmful.

Well, the tubing went in and also the pain was unbelievable. Not on a daily basis goes by wherever i do not consider the tubing. If somebody goes to punch you within the abdomen, you'd tense up before that punch. With a tubing, ne'er do this - ne'er do this. regarding ten minutes once the insertion, my nurse came back and told Pine Tree State that they inserted a short tubing rather than a long-run tubing and would need to take away and replace it. Again, my authorizations to not do this was ne'er given a afterthought. once a vast quantity of pain, it absolutely was done. somebody either hates Pine Tree State or is testing Pine Tree State. This event is forever sealed into my brain and also the brains of everybody i do know as a result of I ne'er stop talking regarding it.

The next day rolled around and my favorite nurse, Rita came in and aforementioned that it absolutely was time to start out infusing the Cytoxan. once a 2 hour spherical, I still had hair and that i didn't vomit. Victory! The afternoon of my third day of Cytoxan treatment, I did present. it absolutely was not violent, I didn't feel sick later and that i didn't vomit once more throughout my ten day keep. I did a really sensible job of constructing my friends and family feel guilty that i used to be within the hospital with all of that terrible food. due to that, all of them brought Pine Tree State large amounts of nice food. I completely unloved the hospital food, wasn't throwing up and required my strength - I told them. because of everybody, my hospital visit was fairly sleek.

On the last night within the hospital, I had a male nurse. He told Pine Tree State that it absolutely was time to get rid of the tubing and to form positive that I might urinate naturally. If I might not--back in it goes. It hurt loads removing the tubing, however not nearly the maximum amount as inserting it. I found myself feeling like i used to be urinating everywhere the area. i used to be not and was told that that was natural. Next step - urinate. I told the nurse, no problem. simply get Pine Tree State loads of fruit crush and ice. I didn't stop drinking it and certainly the mavin began to flow. As a matter of truth it flowed for four or 5 days, each jiffy. i do not apprehend the precise reason why, it simply did.

After every week of rest and relaxation, I visited the gymnasium. I felt nice and was walking absolutely. Wow, I even have been cured. i used to be lying on my abdomen doing leg curls. i used to be carrying a rotten recent white pullover once it happened. I noticed  a hair on my shoulder. I touched my head and hair began to fall out. so as to reduce this embarrassment, I visited the Barber. Tony buzzed off my hair and didn't charge Pine Tree State as a result of there was no effort needed.

All of this happened throughout September/October 1986. I went back to figure, everybody was happy to check Pine Tree State and no-one mentioned my bald head. Things went quite well for a short time. yarn, whereas driving south on Route seven in Wilton carpet, Connecticut a young adult in a very little truck force resolute move into my direction. He hit the rear quarter panel on the drivers aspect inflicting Pine Tree State to travel into oncoming traffic. I had a close to head-on collision. I touched myself everywhere to form positive that nothing was broken. I got out of the automotive solely to check all of the rubbernecking traffic. A policeman came up to Pine Tree State and spoke to Pine Tree State like I caused the accident. the lady told them that i used to be not the cause the least bit. She did that whereas strapped into a stretcher. currently i'm extraordinarily roiled. i'm pacing up and down Route seven. A automotive load of women goes by and yells out "Nice ASS!". Why did they are saying that? I place my hand on the seat of my pants and located that the force of the impact caused my pants to blast open. My nose was broken and that i in real time got it checked out. Next I went back to the gymnasium and got a replacement identity card. it absolutely was stupid, but funny.

Next month I felt like I did before the therapy. I known as my doctor and aforementioned i can not believe this is often happening. What are you able to do wanting chemotherapy? He told Pine Tree State we have a tendency to might do a spherical of anti-inflammatory, a steroid. it is not that I wished to. I required to. a few of pills daily for a few of weeks. Everything went off while not issue. In fact, i used to be cured AGAIN!. The weights and also the exercycle were going implausibly.

Things were going OK for a short time. anti-inflammatory ne'er worked still because it did the primary time I used it. The aspect effects were still there, simply not the nice feelings. My doctor told Pine Tree State to undertake a spherical of Solumedrol. that's the liquid type of anti-inflammatory. rather than pills, it absolutely was infused exploitation associate degree IV for regarding 2 hours per day for 5 days. Things were nice once more and that i was cured. Dead Wrong! the primary spherical was marvellous and any rounds weren't quite pretty much as good and ultimately ineffectual. Admittedly, I didn't apprehend something regarding steroids of this type. I didn't apprehend as a result of I browse nothing regarding them. as a result of I felt like i used to be cured.

Stupid Stupid Stupid - all of the time.

In 1988 i started operating for MKS Instruments. i used to be perpetually affected with their instrumentality. i'd vie with them and lose fairly often. the rationale why I left Leybold is as a result of my manager wasn't managing. Alan Bird was my initial manager at MKS. He and that i hit it off in real time. higher management wasn't resistance. They merely wished to assist Pine Tree State get the order. I felt like i used to be reception with this company. My career flourished. i used to be feeling nice.

Things were going well with my job. i used to be ready to save cash and purchased a ship in 1989. On one extraordinarily hot day in 1989, all of my friends were sitting around sweating within the boat. that did not add up to Pine Tree State. the warmth has an especially unhealthy impact on MS. instead of being accomplished, I jumped within the water and commenced to swim. I felt nice. I felt pretty much as good as I ever did on anti-inflammatory. So, i started to swim as typically as possible-like a maniac. Sometimes, i'd move to the beach at Branford purpose. On an especially hot day, i'd be in my automotive sweating and feeling improbably unhealthy - like moosh. i'd somehow get off the wall to the sand. All I might do was to crawl to the water wherever i'd get my sensible juice and feel one trillion higher. That feeling is thanks to the coolness of the salt water still because the buoyancy. locomotion across the sand, I felt sort of a baby turtle on National Geographic, troubled within the sand and regenerate within the ocean. it absolutely was unbelievable. I found one thing that I might do. within the colder months i'd swim at the city Pool in North Haven close to my workplace. I became a really sensible swimmer. i'd select long swims, feeling completely regenerate upon their completion. The pool was nice, however nothing just like the ocean. No salt within the pool water. I worked with it anyway. The pool water was quite heat. I positively didn't want I did after I swam within the ocean, however it absolutely was still nice.. This was my latest vessel exercise that means. i could not walk, run or bike thanks to MS. This was an excellent one thing else. MS perpetually created Pine Tree State improvise.

After ten years with MKS I couldn't hide things any further. Things got that a lot of worse. One morning in 1998, i used to be driving up 395 to go to customers in Massachusetts. i used to be drinking a cup of low and visited place the cup within the cup holder. I accidentally place the cup on the rim. As shortly as I let it go the cup fell. Everything perceived to be in film. because the cup fell, I without thinking tried to catch it. I leaned over to the correct and my manus was on the handwheel. That lean cause my manus to maneuver to the correct that caused the automotive to travel off the road. Well, there was a lot of injury to the automotive. I was fine, however my ego was mangled once more. MS didn't cause this accident, stupidity did. If i used to be traditional, i'd have gotten a slam on the wrist joint and a serious lecture from my boss. Instead, I had to travel through the whole personal looking for once more. In my opinion, that incident set the ball in motion. I couldn't stop it any longer.

November 1998, eight months once the accident came. My telephone rang and it absolutely was my boss. He told Pine Tree State that they were ever-changing my position. Once 1999 rolled around, i'd be an internal employee, operating with universities rather than the key accounts that i used to be handling. I asked for and was granted the power to figure out of my house

I felt like there was a bull's-eye on my back. we have a tendency to ne'er had an internal employee in my company. They were creating associate degree accommodation on behalf of me. the primary 0.5 hour of my new job saw my ego pop once more. "I am not about to lower myself to figure with these customers", I said. Then i spotted that the corporate was serving to Pine Tree State and work was work. i used to be not about to provide anyone the chance to seem down on or speak badly of Pine Tree State. I at the start noticed  that universities weren't obtaining the eye they required. Yes, some were, however not all. we have a tendency to additionally weren't providing the rating level that they needed. Given all of that, business wasn't wherever it ought to are. I found out the correct rating levels, got the inner support that I required and Sat on prime of those customers. i used to be perpetually there for them and that they knew that a telephony or e-mail would be well-versed quicker than they ever were. The folks covering universities would simply improbably busy.

During 1999 and 2000 things went extraordinarily well. as a result of i used to be figuring out of my house, my physical problems weren't there. I created the University market a market to seem at once more. A University client that ordered and received nice support from Pine Tree State would graduate in the future and would perpetually keep in mind MKS. that might be a client for all times.

Reward Time

During the winter of 2001, overall market conditions had slowed. due to that, i used to be moved  to associate degree applications engineering position. Everything I did for universities was stopped. Ultimately, once the market came back my position came back. there have been changes but. i'd be in sales support, rather than direct sales. This meant that i'd now not receive commissions, my nice incentive and that i would not be directly going once University customers. So, another modification. I couldn't make a case for it. To me, my time aloof from direct sales, my listing was destroyed. Students graduate and professors move around. i used to be nevermore ready to remain things like I did. This was a supreme failure by the folks higher than Pine Tree State.

Back to 2001. it absolutely was July five and Lesley was going buying the day. i assumed i'd descend to the pool and total. Not therefore quick. it absolutely was a really hot day therefore i used to be obtaining mushy. No problem, simply pay the day within the water and everything are fine. sadly, my transfer from the chair to the pool raise was a failure. I finished abreast of the pool deck. The sun was oppressive and that i couldn't move. i used to be out there for over 5 hours lying on my abdomen with my right arm tucked beneath Pine Tree State. no one was around and no-one might hear Pine Tree State till around 5 o'clock. A neighbor I didn't apprehend was ready to hear Pine Tree State, came around and known as 911. That event caused another move to the down aspect on behalf of me. I spent daily from that time feeling extraordinarily tight within the shoulders and that i was losing my engrossing strength at the gymnasium. most so i'd tape the bars to my right. Also, my strength was falling a lot of and a lot of daily. What happened?

Lesley was perpetually there. She ne'er wavered. we have a tendency to met on could ten, 1991. My friend electro-acoustic transducer asked Pine Tree State to travel out therefore he might meet with Lisa. I knew her since we have a tendency to were kids. i used to be at the top of my rope. MS could be a huge wall and five women in a very row drop Pine Tree State. i used to be all done. Well, that night I didn't care regarding meeting Lesley. i assumed i used to be giving her {a very|a extremely|a awfully} sensible "I really do not care" perspective. However, we have a tendency to were talking and talking and that i thought i'd provides it another strive. I felt sensible and was walking expectantly well. I asked Lisa for Lesley's phone number. She aforementioned she would raise and let Pine Tree State apprehend.