#in general?) with my nails and I'm not gonna let go because it's scary there

[servuscallidus]

I don't get chromosomes

[lokigodofaces]

Me in 2017: I am a perfectly straight person

Me in 2018: I might have a crush on a girl I am a perfectly straight person, why would you ask, why would I be anything else?

Me in 2019: Okay, I have a crush on a girl. Okay. Okay. That's a thing. Oh my gosh, I hate this, this is so stressful! Maybe it is just her, just the one person I've been attracted to that isn't a guy? I've been attracted to a bunch of guys, but she's the only girl I've been attracted to.

Me a little later in 2019: Okay, okay, okay, I think I have a crush on another girl. Okay, this is scary, this is scary. But I like her. I want to hug her and spend time with her! Yes that is somehow different than just wanting to be friends with her.

Me a little later in 2019: Okay, okay, okay, I've calmed down a bit. Let's just accept the facts: I am apparently attracted to guys and girls. I sometimes look at some girls and want to kiss and hug and hold hands and do general romancey stuff. No, I do not want to have sex with girls. No, no, no. Yes, I want to have sex with guys, I want to have children. I guess that makes me biromantic heterosexual? Okay.

Me a little later in 2019: Maybe I do want sex with girls and I'm in denial? I mean, I hugged a girl today and I felt so warm and wanted to keep hugging her, and I did notice her breasts against chest, and that's supposed to be arousing or something. I guess I'm not heterosexual, and am in fact bisexual.

Me in 2020: Wow, I am getting a lot of asexual stuff on my Pinterest, which is a little weird. That demisexual one though, I can kind of relate to that.... Wait a minute. No sexual attraction until after an emotional bond. I was friends with [REDACTED] before I liked her, I was friends with [REDACTED] before I liked him, I was friends with [REDACTED] before I liked her, that one girl I thought I had a crush on I didn't actually have a crush on, I just thought I did because I was all panicky and thinking about girls in romantic ways. Huh. Maybe I am demisexual? I mean, I have to be, right? I don't think I'm allosexual anymore, but I can't be fully asexual, not if I want to have sex.

Me a little later in 2020: Okay, apparently asexuals can have sex, can enjoy it, can seek it out. Huh. That was the one thing stopping me from considering myself as asexual, so I guess I'm biromantic asexual. Also, all those fictional and celebrity crushes I had? Weren't crushes, I convinced myself they were crushes because people are supposedly supposed to have crushes like that.

Me a little later in 2020: Okay, but I was right earlier when I thought I was demisexual. I did only only get crushes after I had a good friendship, all three times. So maybe I'm demiromantic biromantic asexual? I don't know, I think I might be overthinking it.

Me a little later in 2020: Okay, maybe I am demiromantic? I don't know.

Me in 2021: I think I am demiromantic. I'm gonna go with being demiromantic. If I'm wrong, oh well.

Me a little later in 2021 (aka right now): Wait, am I bi? I know I'm attracted to guys and girls, but bi isn't the only mspec label. Am I pan? Omni? Ply? Okay, polyromantic just does not sit well with me, but in a different way than the no-I-can't-possibly-be-gay feeling I had when I was in denial. So I'm gonna take that as a no, I am no polyromantic. So that leaves me with biromantic, omniromantic, and panromantic. Well, I can rule out panromantic, since pans are supposed to be genderblind, and I do feel a little different in my attraction to guys and girls and enbies. And, yes! I am attracted to enbies! I have a crush that is enby! Granted I didn't know until recently, but I learned pre-developing feelings, so this isn't me confusing them as a girl. But the information is still pretty new, and I keep accidentally using she/her and girl for them (I am so sorry [REDACTED] I am so sorry), so I might still just be attracted to them because my brain still thinks they're a girl (literally I keep having to delete shes and hers here to put in theys and thems, I am so sorry). But regardless of that, biromantics are capable of experiencing attraction to enbies. The definition of biromanticism is romantic attraction to two or more genders. And I haven't had a lot of contact with anyone outside the gender binary, just them and a couple others. So how would I know if I'm omniromantic, y'know, attracted to all genders? But ultimately my demiromanticism seems more important to my attraction than anything else. All the people I've been attracted to needed a strong emotional bond. And the ones that I lost quickly had less of a bond with me. Even the ones I don't have a crush on anymore (feelings are like that, especially in high school) I'm still really close with. So based on that you could assume that bond matters more than gender, but since I am not perfectly genderblind it is not unreasonable to assume I am omniromantic. But I'm still not sure. Besides, no one knows I'm questioning and people are giving me biromantic stuff for my birthday, and biromantics can be attracted to all genders as well, so maybe I should stick with that? But I'm a perfectionist so part of me really wants to get this nailed down.

Me at the same time in 2021 (aka now): Okay, but people can be greyromantic and demiromantic at the same time, right? I know I'm demiromantic, but what if I'm greyromantic? So the idea would be that I need an emotional bond to form attraction, but I also get attraction considerably less than alloros and other demiros, correct? Well, it seems like I get crushes less than my alloro friends. And it even feels like it happens less than my demiro friends. So maybe? But I don't want to jump to conclusions since I really don't know what everyone else is experiencing.

In case any of you wanted to know what it can be like figuring yourself out. It often takes years and lots of anxiety.

[ravel-ing]

SHADOW AND BONE SPOILERS || episode 1

It's finally here and overall I REALLY LIKED IT and i can't wait to watch episode 2!!!! But I have too many thoughts so here i go, so sorry to anyone reading this

things i did not like:

the narration, thank god they dropped it eventually

it kind of goes with it but the exposition was too much, not clever enough, and sometime way too on the nose (did we need to have that many saints/sun summoner references before we saw her in action? let the people discover this world through the story, not by spitting facts at them, it's confusin than anything else)

the costume for the grisha, like, it's weird because they nailed for everyone else, but not the grisha for which it holds so much importance? Why am i having a hard time seeing the differences between the inferni and th etherealki? I want to feel like they don't belong on that field because they are creatures from above. ZOYA ESPECIALLY is a fashion queen, what did you put her in??

Jesper should have been dark skinned, i'll die on this hill

They made Inej face Tante Heleen like it's no big deal, just part of a montage and for what? I feel it's downplaying her trauma. Everytime Inej had to talk or even be near Tante Heleen in the books, my breathe literally stopped with hers.

I'm not super mad about it but Kaz's cane should have been entirely black. Exactly the same but black. (that being said, the cane is amazing)

It's picky but when kaz repeated "Pekka Rollins" we don't need it to bee that much obvious! Let the actor show us with his face all of the suppress feelings that name invokes. Kaz is a mysterious little shithead, he is almost talking too much but I know there's time to remedy this. (honestly i just realized how easily they could screw up his character so i'm just on edge)

They made the Darkling look like a villain. Ok, no, hear me out. We know, we know he ain't a good guy, but THEY DON'T and they shouldn't!!! He should be that bit scary and powerful guy but basically respected for it. Idk, maybe it's because I already know but with the presentation in the black carriage, the black general, the black cape, the connection to the fold was too obvious to me. I hope we get to see him being a charming motherfucker next episode because he is a master manipulator.

The fog scene was ok, but it could have been horror level just by making the fog a lot darker, the volcras barely shadows and faster, and concentrated the whole scene on Alina's face, getting her a real trauma, there was no need for that scene in the middle of Malina that slowed down an already slow rhythme, and her powers illuminating her face was a bit weird.

The importance of the Heartrender in that interrogation scene was fuckin weird, and it wasn't even used to introduce nina (that i am guessing, we gonna traumatize in fjerda so i'm ok with it), so what was the point?

things I LOVED:

Alinaaaa, omg i was not expecting to like her that much! I did not like her in the books, but here, daaaamn i wanna protect her at all cost. She bears all of her emotions on her face, she has a cute banter with everyone she meets, i just love her already

MALINA i was never a shipper before but i knew they would make Mal much more interesting with the tv show AND THEY DID! Maybe it's because we get to see him outside of Alina's perception and he is suddenly much more 3D. The orphanage scenes were cute af! They are so painfully in love with each other, and it's so rare in tv shows to have long childhood friends as romantic interests and not "we just met and we in love"

the COSTUMES, i know i complained just before but besides the grisha, the costumes were IN POINT. Everyone kind of talked about this already so i'm not gonna gush too long, but really good job on that, hope it carries on (i feel like i'm grading it .... CAUSE I AM: A+)

Ketterdamn looks exactly like the rathole i had pictured, with the merchants being filthy rich in the middle, it's perfect!!

Jesper, Kaz and Inej introductions were magnificient, each time displaying their core in a perfect way!! I loved seeing the trio in action already fikhsjhfk and i have so many questions (they moved the 1 million kruge situation from kuwei to alina??? that's ballsy i'm so curious; are we doing the grisha on drugs already??? could be cool!)

And broadly speaking, I did love that first episode. I wonder how enjoyable and understandable it is for people that never read the books? I genually have no idea, i am in too deep.

[heavensickness]

@popesona tagged me, thank you 💖💋😚

Have you had a good day so far?

It's 9 am and I've just read interesting facts about animals. Also I've eaten leftover pasta so it's going alright I guess

What's something you wish you could tell your younger self?

Being aggressive all the time doesn't mean that you are being "strong". It will eventually harm you. Also it wouldn't kill you to start conversations with people of your age, everybody does that

If you could share one song with someone for them to understand you, what would it be?

The Pack a. d. - Needles

A song maybe people wouldn't expect you to like but you do?

Justin Timberlake - Sexyback

Describe your go-to pair of shoes?

Black leather boots, simple white sneakers when the weather is warm. My shoes are always very simple

Do you have a poster/picture in your room? What of?

A leftover Red Velvet poster and a very small painting of a semi-nude woman lmao

What's your favorite software?

I'm gonna be real with you, I still don't know what exactly a software is

Do you own nail polish? What's your favorite colour?

Oh I have a lot

I love burgundy, glittering gold and dusty pink the most as nail polish colours. My favorite colour in general is lavender

Favorite herb/spice?

Turmeric, curry, thyme, ginger, powdered red pepper... I'll eat anything if it's seasoned well tbh

Do/can you lucid dream?

I can't entirely control a dream but I can choose to change it if it's boring/scary etc. so kind of?

Summer or winter?

Summer is too hot and winter is too cold here, so autumn!!!

If you could relive a day of your life, would you? When?

This question made me kinda sad bc I can't remember an entirely happy day in my life lmao; my happiest memories with other people are all stained because I don't talk to any of those people anymore. Let's not be too dark & say the time when I was on a steamboat at midnight, that was dope

Favorite historical era?

Ancients! It's also fun to read about Middle Ages because they really Lived like That lmao

A common misunderstanding people have of you?

Everybody says I look like someone who would hold grudges but like... I let go and forgive very easily. Also they say I seem as if I have nerves of steel but I'm a ball of anxiety lmao

This was fun! I'm tagging: @medulinka, @honeyedmilks, @lunasghost, @heavenstain, @entropydemons 💖

[condensed-theorem-shop]

Hi, you seem to have lots of opinions on fics (esp. Glowfics) and I'm reading radiance right now. So I was wondering if you have any good fanfic recommendations for when I finish c:

Ooooh okay I can do this :D I’m not sure if you want recs for glowfic or fanfic or both or what, so I’m gonna err on the side of Everything.

Cut for Much Length.

Part 1: Glowfic Collections

If you’d like another big reading project to start on, boy do I have recommendations for you.

Effulgence. I’d describe Effulgence as the paradigmatic glowfic. (Don’t be daunted to the fact that the link is to a ‘how to read’; it is not in fact tricky to read. There’s a series of links on an index page, and you can just read through each in order.) The basic conceit is that Alicorn writes AU versions of Bella-from-Luminosity into tons of different fanfic universes, and then all of them meet up and take over the universe and also cuddle a lot. The exciting other half is Kappa(/Pyth/@shitifindon), Alicorn’s cowriter for Effulgence; Kappa writes various AU versions of the Joker (yes, from Batman) who are fantastic adorable masochists and fall madly in love with the AU-Bellas (“Bells”). The shipping is so adorable. I cannot recommend it enough.

Silmaril. Probably the biggest glowfic continuity (“story spanning a bunch of worlds that meet up”) aside from Effulgence, and (unlike Effulgence) currently updating, so it’s talked about a lot in the community right now. Hence, a good choice if you want to hop right into the discussions. (Please do!!) The writers for this one are Alicorn and Lintamande, the latter of whom writes a fantastic Lord-of-the-Rings setting with a cast of Elves from the Silmarillion who are traumatized and fantastic and huggable.

Particularly Good Threads. Okay, this one is cheating, but it’s worth linking. People on the forum are trying to compile a list of recommended glowfics. Some of them are not necessarily maximally recommended to someone new to glowfic, but people put brief explanations of what they’re reccing them for, so it should hopefully still be helpful.

Part 2: Individual Glowfics

The thing about glowfics is that they tend to spin off each other – Lintamande decides to write her elf characters in space this time, Alicorn has a version of Bella who is male and a demon visit, he ends up interestingly traumatized from that, then Kappa goes “hey can we write about what would happen if that interestingly traumatized Bell met my version of a character from the Vorkosigan Saga who was from a different universe and then met a monument and now travels in a floating canoe,” and you end up with a really fantastic story which no one can make sense of unless they have read, like, a dozen prerequisite threads.

So I can’t just recommend my favorite glowfics, because none of them would make sense; and you can’t really just start browsing through the glowfics on the Constellation unless you’re willing to put up with half of them being nonsensical. Reading through Effulgence will help a lot with that, as will getting familiar with the casts of a few of the more prolific glowficcers (Kappa writes the Joker, Miles Vorkosigan, Tony Stark, and Sherlock Holmes a lot; Pedro writes Sadde, who’s original to him; Lintamande has her various Elves). For the moment, though, here’s some glowfics that require relatively little context.

blood sweat tear: A fairy Bell meets Miles Vorkosigan. Works well without much context because Miles is figuring out what’s going on, so you can figure it out along with him.

in spite of a nail: An episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, if Bella were the Slayer and Kappa’s Sherlock were a vampire.

Lindworm: A classic fairy tale, with Bella as the heroine and a Joker as the dragon.

there’s only so much I can turn into: A good introduction to Sadde, since you’ve read Luminosity already! Getting to know Sadde will make a lot more glowfic accessible. Addy finds a Sadde.

in which a Bell is the second coming of Christ: exactly what it sounds like, and fantastic. No context needed.

Pre-Jump Earth Literature: a good introduction to Miles Vorkosigan, in his canon setting. And you get a gander at the popular Miles/Yvette ship!

Uninvited Guests are Welcome Here: another case where both sets of characters are a bit lost and explaining their worlds to each other, which makes it an excellent introduction to those worlds.

you know what they say about the young: Matilda (yes, from Roald Dahl) appears in Middle-Earth and makes friends with a very tiny Feanor. Excessive adorableness ensues.

A Table for Two: Gregor, the emperor of Barrayar from the Vorkosigan Saga, meets … Hannibal. From Hannibal. It is very satisfying.

More Than One Kind Of Artifact: another characters-explain-their-worlds-to-each-other thread. A Bell from an original world with magic artifacts meets magical-girl Edie and Emily (who are the AU offspring of Magneto and Professor X, but that’s a whole nother thing…)

Part 3: Shameless Plugging

You didn’t think I was going to let you get away without reccing you a couple of my own glowfics, did you? :D

For context: Jean is my spy/revolutionary/actor/bundle of issues/world’s worst planner. Faith is my teenage antichrist who keeps trying to fix the world by taking it over via mind control and otherwise making very bad decisions.

the prettiest song I heard: a Jean in an original universe of Kappa’s gets really, really fucked up, and then falls in love. (So many warnings. So many warnings. I am serious about the warnings. But if you like that sort of thing…)

one for sorrow (two for joy): a Jean attempts to kidnap a prince and accidentally falls in love with him in the process. Hilarity ensues.

don’t let’s ask for the moon: set in an original universe of Alicorn’s, but not much of that actually comes up. (People get magic from eclipses.) Jean rescues Adelene’s character Denice from an institution; there is adorableness.

neither fish nor fowl: Jean and Denice in Star Wars, and this time she is the one rescuing him from himself. Jean does not make a very good Jedi.

Out of the Blue: Faith and Throne’s character Theo explore vampires in an original setting. Mistakes are made. So many of them.

Incipio: Faith and Theo again, in Buffy the Vampire Slayer this time.

Part 4: Fanfic

Taking a break from the glowfic for a while! Here’s some general fanfic recommendations.

At the End of All Things: If you’d like to meet Lintamande’s Elves outside of a glowfic setting, she’s got an enormous (in-progress) story about Elves brought back to life in the modern day! It is fantastic and depressing!

The Stone Gryphon: a serious, historical-fiction take on the Narnia books, and the events in England that happened in between them. Amazing historical tie-ins, and strikes a nice balance in its attitude towards the more spiritual aspects of the Narnia books which I think a lot of fics have trouble with.

The Foodieverse: an astonishingly well-written Avengers AU … in which all the characters are involved in the restaurant industry. Captain America has a food truck. It’s amazing.

Five Places Cinna Came From: a series of Hunger Games AUs, exploring different possible backstories for Cinna and doing a ton of worldbuilding along the way.

Move Fast and Break Things: @ozymandias271’s now-complete Avengers AU, with female!disabled!Tony Stark, adorable!Bucky, and general amazingness.

Steve Rogers at 100: Celebrating Captain America on Film: a story wrapped around accounts of Captain America movies, good and bad, that might have existed in-universe. I am so delighted by this kind of worldbuilding.

Part 5: Original Fiction

You didn’t ask, but I am sharing some online favorites anyway!

Worm: If you have not read it yet, you should! A gritty-superheroes narrative, distinguished from the million others in the genre by the really awesome thought that’s put into powers. Everyone thinks of inventive ways to use their powers and does it. Warning: super long. And depressing. Read it anyway! There are glowfics set there!

Goldmage: An original novel of Alicorn’s! Delightful worldbuilding, sweet and exciting and depressing, read it read it read it.

Elcenia: An immense work of original fiction by Alicorn. Very glowficcy in some ways (and lots of glowfics are set there, so that’s another reason to read it). In the first book, a woman is accidentally magically transported between worlds, and explored Alicorn’s super-thoroughly-worldbuilt original setting while figuring out exciting ways to leverage the contact. Each subsequent book takes some minor character or characters from previous books and tells their story. This has the delightful effect that you can then reread it, and when Random Dude #12 is being grumpy and unreasonable you know it’s because he’s just had his best friend kidnapped and is having to pretend nothing happened as part of an elaborate plot involving telepathic vampires (no, not a real example).

Cordyceps: Another one popular in the same general circles as Luminosity is. Mystery/horror/post-apocalyptic, and marvelous. And depressing and needs a lot of warnings -- you may be sensing a theme here.

Part 6: Other People

Other glowficcers on tumblr who might have recs for you, off the top of my head: @luminousalicorn @kelsbraintumbler @scientiststhesis @curiosity-discoverer-of-worlds @shitifindon @lintamande @aestrix @trickytalks @throne3d @marrinikari @ansiblelesbian @inquisitivefeminist @mischiefmanaged777twoofus @erinflight and I’m sure I’m still forgetting people. They are all way more approachable than you think! At least if you are like me and decide people are scary and unapproachable for no particular reason!

All y’all I tagged -- any other rec ideas? :D