#in fact in therapy I'm finally learning how to listen to myself and trust myself

[hyuck-xix]

every time i show my mom any of my kpop fanart she just says "i really wish you'd branch out and draw something else for a change" 😐

[sexwithamanda]

A deep dive, a hike let's say. Not physically but mentally.

Episode #345

Hello,

I make these when I feel the most inspired. This last week was lovely, I went out a lot but I spent time with both my lovers, I pray they never read these, but I am sure one day these will be read, not aloud in a classroom I hope. It's a humid, hot, cloudy, wet day in the beautiful state of Florida. I am sitting at a coffee shop where I've tasted butterfly tea, which tastes like lemonade more than anything. It has a dark purple color and on the counter, I spied a cake that resembled Oreo. I decide for that, it's gluten and vegan. If I told you that I was trying to be healthier would you believe me? I suppose I don't seem to be that way. It was yummy, and I read a few (more than a few) pages of this memoir that has me on my toes. She is a writer and went to school for journalism. I've always felt that writing and putting something out there is insane. We all have a voice to talk about anything, that's why music is universal. If all the lyrics are in a different language, we still can continue to feel exactly what they are saying regardless of the fact that we don't speak that language.

Last week I went into a meeting, I like to speak as you can tell from my typing. I suppose that it is obvious that my clicking and clacking on my laptop in this quiet coffee shop seems to annoy the men next to me, but I digress with I am being me. Let it be. Right at this split second the song playing, is by tears for Fears. You decide if my life is a movie because I have already decided that it is. Anyways back to the meeting, I am talking about. I don't look at people as adults anymore. I assume everyone is a child, regardless of how you think t might be, we can be professional but we are all children at a point. Things we do, mistakes we make, and accomplishments that occur all happen because we learn from others. This meeting was an intro to exactly what I've been wanting for a while. A taste of who I could be as a public speaker. I don't think I'm perfect, but I think that healing is a journey that rules us over. We tend to be selfish about our lives. I had a conversation last night with my friend, and each time we speak I feel we learn a bit more about ourselves rather than the other. I give her the space to speak as she gives me my space to speak as well. I learned that I get tired easily maybe I should get that checked out but I can confirm that I love someone that I really shouldn't. It is okay though. Life is too short not to face the facts. I think head-on, I want to be exclusive with this person but I also think that I want to be friends. I need to deal with myself first, but once I feel that I can finally trust myself to trust someone I think that's when I could commit to them.

In other news, we both discovered that we miss each other dearly all the time, because we are two peas in a pod, and we have each other's back. I think that my sense of self is reflected in the darkness of my sorrows, and probably for good I can sense that I will be way better off. I guess for a while I thought that the only occupancy of people's company came with an abundant reach for bad decisions. I then tend to let myself be swept away from all reality when I am with my friends. They make me feel so safe, kind, and sweet. I got really lucky.

Next topic of discussion; my podcast, sex with Amanda on spotify. It is my baby, but let me explain that I know that people listen to it, people I know. I am brutally honest, and I am myself. I think that it is my therapy, the raw truth of my thoughts when it comes to it. I think the people that I want to listen to it won't, which is good for me. But, in actuality, these secrets are for the entire world to listen to. It's not just relatable it's my life. Inevitably it is my happiness. I feel a sense of ease after every Friday session. My episodes are unedited, I speak my truth and let myself be completely honest. (sometimes it is mean.)

Now here is a side note, my favorite thing to talk about is sex, but it is the education, the feeling, and the love of intimacy in the space of someone else that makes me feel loved. I love love. I love sex. I love sex with someone who makes me feel as though everything is right and how it is supposed to be. I don't want to be rushed unless it feels right but I also want to be healthy. I want it to be sacred in a way. I don't have sex with anyone, but with someone who has a connection to me, with me, and makes me feel good. If I've been intimate with someone, (if I chose to, because in some instances that is not the case), you have made me feel at ease. I love the feeling.

I have an addiction that is hard for me to describe, if you come across this, go on spotify, look up sex with Amanda. Take a listen to one of my episodes or wait till this upcoming Friday for the newest one. I can't wait to have a conversation with you.

Thank you for reading, listening, and being.

Mahal Kita,

Amanda

[ventureawaybitches]

Campaign 1 Finale Feels

Ok, @lost-in-the-cosmos-lovely asked so here we are. Obviously contains major spoilers for campaign one, discussion of canon-typical violence, major character not-death, Rem apologist (kinda) musings.

This is all purely personal and probably incomprehensible. I also haven't listened to the last 15 or so episodes in A While so I hope I remembered everything correctly.

Character development feels: How the Maidens operate as a group has changed so much, from the first fight against Ethan where they didn't communicate at all and ended up killing him, to spending the first half of the episode discussing what they wanted to do and making sure that everyone is clear and fairly ok with the plan (there's also the whole mechanic of the boss battle that was basically the power of friendship), this is kinda a player thing but it's also totally a character development thing and it made me so happy. The power of the Squad Walk and Hug Unit.

Kara: Kara's character development from chaotic neutral to lawful good honestly makes me melt. From her impulsiveness and blind rage to how she's driven by justice and uses her rage tactically *chef's kiss*. Her decision to let Rem live (I was surprised, also that the others all deferred to that decision) no way would she have considered that at the start. Also the Order of the Furies is such a badass name. Kara matured so much and it feels silly to say I'm proud of her but I am.

Arrnodel: my Arrnodel feels mainly come from the legacy game, after the total breakdown of her relationship with Aaron at the climax of the story (it was a long time coming) the fact that they decided to stay together, to start over, to go to couples therapy and work on their communication. Wonderful. Also Arrnodel being the one who takes no damage in combat? Queen.

Sawyeh: Sawyeh's development from naïve and trusting (her terrible insight checks) to no we have to kill Rem otherwise it will come back to bite us, she had to learn the hard way and it's brilliant but also it hurts me cos the bath scene in Faelyn "In a sense I think of her as a sister, I mean we are sisters[...]I just want to understand and I want to listen, I want to know why she did what she did,[...]and understand what she's going through" she held onto her hope that Rem would reach out, that she would trust her enough to tell her what was going on, even after Rem rejected her she still wanted to help. Then Rem slit her throat at The Veil.

Fera: I am here for I worship the gods of fate cos it means that what is meant to happen will happen and I can just chill to as insurance I'm going to grab myself a demi-god and use their powers in case something happens to mine, fuck the gods of fate, fuck you for using me. Yass queen gain your independence and take control of your life.

Rem: I spent nearly a year whining to myself, my cats, and occasionally my mum that I knew something else was going on with Rem, that given what we had seen from her before it made no sense that she was actually evil (sidenote: the complex morality in VM is awesome). Freeing mortality from the control of the gods would always make Rem the villain, was she aware of what she would have to sacrifice? (I have no doubt that she genuinely loved Isolde and she must have known that Isolde would suffer so much for this, and the feels that she asks after her at the end, my otp, I should probably rant about them in a separate post). How long had she wanted to destroy fate, was it while she was still working for her father or after? What had she gone through that she decided that this was her only option? When did it become an actual possibility? Was it for the best? This is just a load of questions, we shall move on.

Overall feels: the whole story and the finale especially feels like a parallel with how society tells people (anyone who isn't a cishet white man) what they have to/should do/be and what they can do and (Celeste saying men have told her she shouldn't advertise she's a woman so much with her dnd work) the main characters choosing to say fuck no to their fate, to what they were told to do and that's so. Fucking. Powerful. The whole thing is about deciding your own path, not letting anyone control your life or tell you what to do and it's just what Celeste said in the kickstarter launch party vid

"You are powerful. You live in a world that constantly tells you you aren't but you are"

The finale was such a good ending (although it was left very open and the legacy games are a thing) because I wasn't dissatisfied with anything that had happened, all the character arcs worked. I don't find that many things empowering but Venture Maidens really really is.

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

I'm polyamorous and it's clear from your answers to poly questions that you've read some of the basics but you don't have a great grasp on what it means to actually be poly. (Yes, "be," not "choose". If you listened to the poly ppl who write in to you you'd know some DO identity as poly.) Any chance you might get a poly mod to help you with those questions? Check out polyadvice, she gives wonderful answers to similar questions, you could learn about the identity from her.

Big ol’ rubbish essay under the cut. 

You are correct, some people who write in do identify themselves as poly. This is why I recorrect them with the facts, that polyamory - at this time - is not a sexual identity. 

While I’m sure you consider yourself very knowledgeable about polyamory, it seems that while I fail to understand the experiences of a polyamorous person - makes sense, because I live a monogamous lifestyle - you struggle to understand the depth of what polyamory is at a fundamental level. You sought to insist upon me your belief that polyamory is an identity, and I thank you for that. Now let me respond with my knowledge. 

So the question is there: What is polyamory? Is it a lifestyle or an identity? There are many people who claim to BE poly, that they cannot CHOOSE to be poly because it is within their very bones. That is their opinion. However, the research is not quite there yet to support their claim, and academics insist that poly can be a self-identity for some, even though it is their lifestyle.

Okay, what the fuck does that mean? 

Let’s analyze this as what monogamy is first. Monogamy is the lifestyle of the majority of the population (largely due to social norms) whereupon people are only interested in dating one person at a time. It’s common throughout the majority of cultures, and is generally seen as a standard, even though that’s kind of a silly societal expectation, but hey, people are dumb sometimes.

But note that first thing I said. Monogamy is a lifestyle. I’m not merely claiming that polyamory is a lifestyle - I claim they are BOTH lifestyles. Looking at me, someone who is distinctly monogamous, you have to ask the question: Could you fall in love with multiple partners? 

Well... yes. Quite easily in fact. Nothing inherently stops me, as a monogamous person, from loving and being in romantic association with other people. I could easily have dozens of partners if I wanted to. I simply don’t want to. In my life, I make a deliberate choice not to have more than one person in my life at a time. Why? It’s not because I wasn’t BORN THIS WAY, because again, if I wanted to, I could do it. I just think poly relationships for me personally are a hassle. I do not trust people, and do not bond with people well. This means while I’m very liberal with my relationships in general, once I’m in a relationship, I buckle down and get REALLY into it. I want that relationship to be the best relationship, and I put 100% of myself into that relationship so that it is successful. I stop flirting with others so as not to risk a perception of cheating, I friend-zone former crushes because I naturally lose interest now that I’m in a relationship and have reached contentment, and if people approach me for any sort of romance, I flatly deny them, fundamentally uninterested in their advances. 

Compare that to a poly person’s experience. Could a poly person date only one person for the rest of their life? Sure, if the choose to. Perhaps this person meets that very right person. They care about them deeply, and want to be with them as long as possible. But perhaps this person is not poly; perhaps they don’t like that lifestyle of multiple partners, because it hurts their feelings and they get jealous. If the poly person desired that person, and did not want to pass up a beautiful relationship just for their preferred openness, then they have the ability to choose to have one partner. It’s a choice. 

Or another example. Perhaps the poly person finds a partner, and they’re having a great time. Ideally, the poly person wants more partners in this relationship. But over time, they are not able to find anyone to consent to the relationship, or in searching, they just don’t find anyone interested in associating with them long-term. Or maybe they are approached by others, but don’t like them, or the first partner doesn’t like them. Whatever the case, they just don’t find anyone who’s interested. For someone who is NATURALLY AND BIOLOGICALLY insistent upon multiple partners, this would be life-ruining; their entire being would fall apart. Except... it doesn’t. Because poly people make a choice to have multiple relationships. And if they are unable to find more people to unite with them in their larger relationship, then they simply don’t worry about it. They choose polyamory, but are restricted to monogamy - not by a biological necessity - but simply because they don’t find anyone worthy of their poly relationship, in one form or the next. 

Now compare THAT comparison of monogamy and polyamory to something that isn’t a choice: sexuality. 

Sexuality is NOT a choice. Decades of research that has pretty handily proven that LGBTQ people are the way they are at a deep level. They don’t choose to be a boy and want to suck all the dongers, and they don’t choose to be asexual and not have romantic feelings; it’s just who they are, at a base level. 

If you are bisexual - and I am - you know that from a very early age, the restrictions of society don’t seem to apply to you. You know that both genders are attractive, and although people might tell you that’s not acceptable, it doesn’t make it less true. You get physiologically aroused by both genders, and you are psychologically interested in both genders. This same sort of thing plays out if you’re gay, if you’re straight, if you’re asexual, et al. 

Sexuality is not a choice; it is not a lifestyle - it is a matter of being, an identity that exists beyond you. Deep down, this is what you are, even if you actively deny it, and even if you actively avoid it. Choosing not to be gay by not associating with the same gender romantically doesn’t make you less gay, and as forced conversion therapy consistently shows, it doesn’t make people less gay because you can’t be less of something that you are. It is no different from being of a race; you don’t choose not to be black, or Asian, or Native American, or Persian. It’s just who you are, and while some people can “pass” as a race that they are not, the very word of “passing” implies that they are avoiding a truth, avoiding a reality for some other reason than acknowledgement. 

These things are not lifestyles; they are inherent to the person.

The argument from some poly folks frequently comes, “But I have always felt an attraction to multiple partners.” And sure, for many, I’m sure they never really had boundaries on relationships in their youth. They may have played house with multiple “significant others,” many little wives and husbands; maybe they’ve always maintained loose relationship boundaries, and have frequently romanced many partners simultaneously, either in strict poly relationships, or in more formal ones. 

But is that an inherent part of them, or is it just something that happened in their lives? That comes down to a very Nature vs Nurture argument, and as science shows, the answer of Nature vs. Nurture is both simultaneously. For a poly person, this means that yes, perhaps they are influenced to enjoy multiple partners just because they enjoy it. But enjoying something isn’t a requirement of life; choosing to enjoy something is just that, a choice. And perhaps some people have been raised in a way that liberates them to have multiple partners, and they grew up without the constraints of monogamous society slowing them down. But again, they are “liberated” to make a choice about how they construct their relationships; they make a choice in their daily life to not be monogamous, and instead be polyamorous. 

Is polyamory a biologically driven imperative? It could be argued that most animals are polyamorous, having many many different partners throughout their lifetimes. And yes, human bodies - and most procreating species - are built upon the idea that mating with the most number of partners insures the survival of the species. 

But there are a few problems with a biological argument for polyamory. Firstly, monogamy itself is not a biological imperative. Monogamy is a social construct not based in reality. There are biological benefits to monogamy, such as easier raising of offspring, but that’s about it. Short of a few animals like some birds, humans have chosen in our societies to be monogamous. It was a choice made over a long period of time and evolution, by all cultures (save a few), and has been shown to be effective. That’s why people continue to be monogamous largely: it works, and everyone’s happy. They choose to be monogamous because of the benefits it serves. 

Polyamory being the opposite of monogamy would suggest it’s special, that it’s actually baked into the human mind and anatomy. But if monogamy, it’s counterpoint, is not an orientation - not something inherently natural about humans - it’s only logical that polyamory is not inherently natural either. 

Secondly, if polyamory was biologically beneficial for humans, we would have evolved to prefer it. That sounds a little judgey, because it makes monogamy sound “superior” to polyamory. But from a biologist’s perspective, it is in a way. The reality is, humans take a LONG fucking time to make a baby. And once that baby is porn, it’s basically a walking, illiterate poop creation machine for at least 5 years before it can finally start operating as a coherent human being, and even then, not very well. 

That long child-rearing period is benefited by close, monogamous relationships. Having two people, constantly caring for their child, aids the child in surviving. This isn’t to say that polyamory can’t do the same thing, because it can. It’s just to say that, evolutionary, that didn’t really happen, in the same way that it didn’t happen for the majority of birds, wolves, elephants, etc. Those species also benefited from monogamy. 

The point of all this hard analysis is this: polyamory is a choice because, largely, it is a social construct. In the same way that us dumb humans tend to group in single-pairings for relationships by choice, polyamorous folks can choose to not do that and instead have many partners and spouses. 

And that’s totally okay. But to claim falsely that it is an identity - a biological imperative from deep within the human psyche - is wrong. The science just isn’t there. And you better believe that I’ll be the first person to step up if that science changes, but there haven’t been many peer-reviewed studies on the identity argument for polyamorous individuals. 

At the end of the day, what I believe doesn’t matter. Because whether polyamory is an identity or a lifestyle, it doesn’t make it WRONG. In fact, polyamory is awesome, and the better choice for many people who feel far too restricted by monogamy. I applaud anyone who is polyamorous to do their own thing. Any complaint society throws at poly people is bigoted and stupid, and not merited, because polyamory is a perfectly acceptable way to have relationships. 

But an identity is not. And I will continue to insist upon that until the research changes, and do my best to educate people that while polyamory is not an identity, it doesn’t matter whether it is or isn’t, because they should do what feels right. 

(I had a really great post on Polyamory as related to someone else’s question awhile back. So if you want to read that, be my guest. 

And I was aware of polyadvice. She’s chill, and I definitely recommend any poly folks who read the blog go follow and direct poly advice to her, because her opinions are WAY more valuable than mine on the subject since I’ve always lived a monogamous lifestyle, and don’t really know the details as well as someone who lives them would.)

EXTRA READING AND STUFF: [1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11]