#in conclusion that lady in red emoji above was the closest i could get to an emoji representation of the main(?) character

[aeide-thea]

i love the internet and also humanity

which is to say: sometimes you're like, oh right, the tiny handful of witcher fics this person dropped in early 2020 were excellent, wonder what they're up to these days? and then it turns out they're writing trigun fic and you're like, sure, why not, that might as well happen! 💃

[bungou-stray-dogs-indulgences]

is the request open? if yes, may i have headcanons for fem!Dazai,fem!Atsushi,fem!Ranpo,and fem!Chuuya?

(They’re going to be ladies all throughout; i.e. not male Atsushi and female Dazai interacting, but both female Atsushi and female Dazai)

Dazai Osamu

Dazai is the most annoying person you will ever have the displeasure of following on social media. Any page made by her, ever, is just a solid wall of memes, the occasional selfie (all of which showcase her newest fabulous suicide attempt; there’s at least two of her, fully clothed, in a bathtub, a toaster dangling above the water), and candid shots of unsuspecting ADA members. These are always accompanied by an astonishingly demoralizing caption and at least four crying-laugh emojis. Dazai also shares the dumbest ‘justgirlythings’ posts she can find and pretends to get personally offended when people question them.

Whether she actually likes them, or is just wearing them as a joke, Dazai has a museum-worthy collection of pants with print on the ass. Her favorite is the ‘are you nasty’ booty shorts and she always tries to wear them on Casual Friday. (Naturally, Fukuzawa puts a stop to her less-than-work-appropriate clothing as soon as possible. Dazai’s bitter, Kunikida’s relieved that there’s at least some semblance of law and order in the ADA, and Atsushi… well. She’s just baffled about who even makes something like that.)

Dazai makes a lot of dick jokes despite not actually having a penis. Everyone’s heard her tasteless “Not now, boner” quip a minimum of three times, and she especially likes to expose Kunikida to this humor because of how flustered he gets. Dazai also chants a lot of male-geared songs (think ‘Dick in a Box’). For someone who doesn’t have a penis, she brags about it quite often.

Dazai often says ‘I woke up like this’ when complimented. She does not, in fact, ever wake up like that. Although it doesn’t take much personal effort or grooming for Dazai to look like a goddess, she still needs to put in some work to be flawless. Her whole morning routine takes a little more than half an hour, but she swears up and down she simply rolls out of bed looking perfect.

Dazai’s the girl that observes no personal space whatsoever when it comes to other ladies. Unless she specifically doesn’t like someone, she’s usually standing mere inches away, using their shoulder as an armrest, slouching against them while she’s sitting. These gestures aren’t overtly flirtatious, but Dazai’s just open enough with other girls to get them wondering. Does she swing that way? She’s never expressly said, but her nails are usually pretty short…

If you’re going clubbing, Dazai is the lady you need to go with. Not is she completely immune to getting white-girl wasted (although she’s a bit rowdier, Dazai is, all in all, a relatively composed drunk), she can swing free drinks for every single girl at the bar with her. Plus, she’s got a near enycolpediac knowledge of date-rape drugs, and she’s prepared to absolutely wreck any guy that tries something funny.

Dazai is the master of starting drama and does so often. She doesn’t mind being in the center, but her favorite place is along the sidelines where she can observe everything. Dazai sets up a juicy situation, waits for the victims to get into it, and sits back with a bucket of popcorn.

Whenever someone she’s not interested in asks for her number, she writes down Kunikida’s. Unless they’re really being a grade-A asshole about it. Then she’ll give them Chuuya’s number.

Nakajima Atsushi

By all appearances, Atsushi’s quite the stereotypical hipster. There’s not much in her closet other than baggy sweaters and pastel colors, and her interior decoration isn’t much different. There’s a few cacti scattered around on windowsills, along with things she bought just because they looked cute. Atsushi’s got an expansive collection of plushies and puffy stickers. Despite all of this, she’s a bit confused if someone accuses her of being a hipster; Atsushi’s practically blind to the physical evidence, and besides, she doesn’t act like one. She’s not near pretentious enough.

Atsushi’s quite self-conscious about her body, especially her chest. If a girl’s got large breasts, Atsushi’s going to notice; even if she tries to concentrate fully on a conversation, her eyes will naturally wander, focusing on what she wishes she had. Despite this, she considers push-up bras a bit too brazen of a solution; she bought one once, on a whim, and it’s remained stuffed in a drawer ever since. 

Atsushi can always be counted on to spare a tampon. You’ll need to say flat-out if you need one, because all of the seemingly obvious hinting does nothing to lead her to the right conclusion. She’ll blush a bit, stutter a few embarrassed ‘oh’s (especially if you’ve been trying to get her to pick up your subtle hints for awhile) and dig into her purse for an extra. Even if the stowed-away package is her last one, and she’s on her period herself, Atsushi still gives it to you.

It’s an accident, but Atsushi ends up personifying anything and everything basic sometimes. She’s completely unaware that knockoff Uggs, cinnamon-spice lattes, and anything from the gluten-free menu is seen in a negative light. If Dazai’s not there to poke fun at her, Atsushi indulges in all of the classic white-girl luxuries, none the wiser as to her hipster tendencies.

Atsushi loves playing with hair. She’s a bit rubbish at styling her own, but if there’s someone else around that gives the go-ahead, her fingers are instantly going to be trailing their scalp. Typically, Atsushi sticks with simple things like braids or head massages, but if she’s got plenty of extra time and bobby pins, she’ll try twisting their hair into something more complicated. Even though it always ends up gorgeous, Atsushi always undoes it after she’s done, unless her subject specifically orders her to leave it alone.

Edogawa Ranpo

Most forms of grace or manners are entirely lost on Ranpo. It’s not like she goes out of her way to be rude, and she’ll contain many gross breaches of conduct, like burps or blowing her nose in front of others. Posture, though, is a lost cause. Ranpo’s always caught slouching, arms crossed behind her head and feet propped up, legs spread far, on whatever surface is closest. Whenever someone suggests she cross her legs, she just pouts. Sometimes, the only way to escape a glance of Ranpo’s thighs, or even underwear, depending on how high her feet are propped, is to simply not look.

Ranpo’s either dressed in a skirt and tights or sweatpants. There’s no in between. The fashion aspect has little to do with it, although she does like how cute she looks sporting a flirty skirt. Usually, she just throws on whatever’s clean.

Ranpo’s shaved probably twice in her entire life. It’s not that she’s against the act; in fact, she loves that her legs are so soft and smooth without hair. Despite this, she simply can’t be bothered to put in the effort. Shaving takes forever, after all, and she could be doing much better things (eating candy or solving murders. Either works) with her time. Of course, the longer she puts the razor off, the thicker her leg-hair jungle gets, and the more time-consuming cutting back the growth gets. It’s a vicious cycle. If the hair gets too bad, Ranpo whines at one of her ADA coworkers to bring her to a salon so that she can get her legs waxed. (Usually, it’s a lady, but once Yosano was completely occupied and Dazai and Atsushi were working a case together, so the burden fell to Kunikida. Needless to say, not his favorite day on the job.)

Whenever someone’s trying to flirt with Ranpo, she’s completely oblivious. Someone buys her morning coffee for her? Well, it’s just because she’s the greatest detective, and they’re showing their appreciation. Someone subtly slips her their number? They probably have a case that needs solving, and they’re trying to let her know to reach them, if she has some spare time.

As opposed to Dazai, Ranpo does actually ‘wake up like this’. She can roll out of bed looking ready for the runway, fuzzy pajama pants and all. About the only thing Ranpo does to keep up appearances is brush her teeth; the rest just sort of falls into place. Nobody can rock the cute, messy look like Ranpo can.

None of Ranpo’s pants have pockets in them. She’s always fooled by the fake-opening trick, and in the rare occasions that she does any shopping, she always forgets to check to make sure there’s actually a pocket underneath the lining. Of course, she never holds on to receipts; even if she did, she’s too lazy to return anything. Whenever she’s wearing a pair of the pocket-less pants she refuses to shut up about it. Everyone is going to hear about how shitty her sans-pocket pants are.

Nakahara Chuuya

Chuuya considers herself a femme fatale, and judging by first appearances, you’d probably think so, too. She’s a sex bomb and she’s entirely aware of it. Chuuya doesn’t walk, she struts: chin up, back straight, eyes steely. The confidence simply radiates. Despite her self-assurance, she’s still a dork. You’d never know unless you hung out with her, though, and she doesn’t even fully realize it herself.

She keeps it light and classy, but Chuuya’s a makeup goddess. After one too many times of a young Chuuya breaking into Kouyou’s lipstick and absolutely covering everything in red stains, the woman taught her young maquillage enthusiast how to properly apply it. Since then, Chuuya’s tackled a little bit of everything; she’s got a firm handle on everything from contouring to false eyelashes, though she prefers only scant makeup for the day-to-day. Like Kouyou, she’s drawn to red lipstick, and isn’t caught dead without winged eyeliner on.

Chuuya is the rare breed of lady that can sprint with high heels on. She doesn’t usually wear heels; she’s practical, after all, and stilettos aren’t necessary on missions. When she wants to show off, though, she’ll pop on a pair of pumps and flaunt her parkour skills.

Chuuya’s wardrobe radiates class, and her ‘casual’ wear is nothing short of acceptable for a five-star restaurant. There’s barely any pants to be seen in her closet; it’s all dresses. She’s got a personal tailor, and he’s wary to sew anything else for fear that she’ll scoff because it simply isn’t classy enough.

Chuuya has entire drawers brimming with sexy lingerie. Most of it is lace, although there’s leather here-and-there for when she’s looking for something out of the ordinary. Despite the veritable underwear museum, she’s not usually wearing something sexy under her clothes. More often than not, she’s got standard cotton panties on, and mismatches bras and underwear a lot more often than you’d expect. Chuuya only breaks out the naughty wear if she’s in a very particular mood.

Ever the romantic, Chuuya often daydreams about her dream partner sweeping her off her feet and whisking her to paradise. Despite that desire, she’d probably slice anyone who tried seducing her. Anyone who wants a chance with Chuuya will have to simply drop hints as to their intent and let her come to them.