#in chinese we never use the actual word for love （as in， 爱 (ai)）when talking about this particular sentiment in this context

[xiakeponz]

"If I liked someone, I would hide it in the depths of my heart forever. I would never speak of it aloud, nor would I ever let anyone know."

so anyway I am watching this show now because there's not a lot to watch (for some reason I've gone off on a ZLH backlog and I do love to see Bailu) and omg don't spoiler but-

Xie Wei is talking about himself right, very hypothetically and this is not about Jiang Xuening at all :skull emoji: did he like her from like four years ago when they were going to the capital ... what's going on xie wei sir lmao as far as she knows he's whipped out his dagger 🗡️ like actually- at her more than a few times 😩 also, yo, is he also living a second life? (ok no spoil).

[jcisthebestfightme]

BJYX Song #8: Brother and Sister

BJYX Song Series List

Disclaimer: My own speculations only.

So after two very sweet songs from gg, we’re back to dd. Dd, why are all your song so sad? Even though we see dd very happy with gg all the time, the songs he chose all reflect his insecurities, especially with age and gender. 

The song I want to talk about today is��“Brother and Sister” by Easen Chen, one of dd’s favorite artist that he listen to since he was young. Even though the title says “brother” and “sister”, which implies a guy and a girl, on Baidu Baike (Chinese Wikipedia), it says that this song describe a love so pure, it even exceeds gender. It says “它甚至可以是同性的爱情” which translate to “it can even be love between two people of the same gender.” The lyrics is written by a man that’s famous in the Chinese music world for his sexuality and writing songs that speaks about unrequited love in homosexual relationships. 

This song was listed on the top of his song list when it was displayed during the ttxs episode that gg was there for. Since the events of Bombology, we know that dd tried really hard to get gg on the show and was mad at him for almost not coming. This allow people to speculate that dd is showing gg this song list, which was full of sad love songs, in order to convey to him his feelings of sadness and insecurities in their relationship. I think that they may be songs dd listen to when ggdd had a period of separation after the filming of CQL when gg wanted to get out of character and figure out how they can be together in the future. I think dd is using this as an opportunity to let gg know how much pain he was in back then. You obviously wouldn’t go up to the person you’re dating now and be like “hey listen to these songs I listen to when we were on a break.” And since he was already pissed from gg’s almost in-attendance, he may be using this to get some attention. We know from gg’d reaction that this is the first time he saw this song list or songs similar to this style from dd. When the list was first shown, he was like “What? This is your song list?” And then later, he asked again, “Is this really your song list? I feel like it’s wrong.” (summarizing) Dd then responded that he has many different song lists. So gg was surprise to see this side of dd. Dd likes to act proud and strong so he probably rarely show his vulnerable side to gg, especially when it’s about their relationship.

The backstory of the song already tells us that we can interpret “brother” and “sister” to also be between two “brothers.” If anything, I think this is the song that directly refute anyone that likes to say ggdd’s relationship is friendly, just like brothers. If you watch the music video of this song, it’s actually about the homosexual relationship between two girls. 

對我好　對我好　好到無路可退 ([You’re] nice to me, nice to me, to a point of no return)

可是我也很想　有個人陪 (But I also really want, to have someone to accompany me)

才不願把你得罪 (So I’m unwilling to upset you)

The first line uses repetition to emphasize how “nice” the other person is over and over again. We can see that gg also treats dd this way, creating a safe space to allow dd to be himself and not getting mad at dd when he’s being stubborn. I’ve analyze before in “If I were a song” that this is the way gg show love to dd and this is the way he thinks he can best love dd. However, I never thought about how dd feels about this. This first line tells us that maybe dd can misinterpret it? He knows gg is being nice and loving to him but it actually makes him feel insecure. Is gg being nice because he treats me like a child? Just like family? Is he just a nice person? 

The line “to a point of no return” tells us that dd is completely head over heels for gg, which most of us can see with our own eyes. Here, we learn he know so himself. He knows gg is nice to him and he knows he likes gg. But wants more than that. He was gg to “accompany” him. “Accompany” here means someone to spend eternity with. Dd is saying he desire to never let go of gg. If we assume that he’s speaking about the period where they were on a break in late 2018, then dd is super insecure about where his future with gg is. They spent an entire summer being in an ambiguous flirtatious stage, that may or may have developed into an early relationship. But then gg left him and he feels really hurt. He want to hold gg close forever but he can’t because he loves him too much. That’s why he’s “unwilling to upset” gg. We can see from their interactions and the song “Nan Hai” that dd is actually the one that’s more self-abased and less confident in the relationship. He’s so afraid of not being to provide for gg.

於是��麼迂迴 (So we walk in circles)

一時進　一時退　保持安全範圍 (Sometimes we move forward, sometimes we move back, we stay in the safe zone)

This part of the song talks about how ggdd was during that ambiguous state. They push and pull, testing each other to see how far they can take their relationship. The word “進 (forward)” and “退 (backwards)” before? Yes, they were the same motifs as in “If I were young.” In “If I were young,” knowing when to move forward and backwards show maturity. But here, it’s telling us that even though knowing these limits show maturity, it’s also very painful to be stuck in the ambiguity. For someone as young and straightforward as dd, he must be in a lot of agony. But because of his gender and age, I think dd feels like he must endure this because he can’t be as straightforward as a more socially acceptable romantic pursuit.

這個陰謀讓我　好慚愧 (This scheme makes me ashamed)

享受被愛滋味　卻不讓你想入非非 (Enjoying the feeling of being loved, but won’t let you get what you want)

We can feel dd’s agony in this stage. But instead of making himself the victim, he’s actually blaming himself for “enjoying the feeling of being loved” too much. It’s almost as if he feels like he doesn’t deserve this love he has with gg so every moment he has with him, it’s godsent. This explains why dd is so self-abased in this relationship. He feels “ashamed” for wanting more from the relationship so he’s unwilling to let go and allow gg to “do whatever he wants” because he’s scared that maybe what gg wants is just friendship or brotherhood. 

就讓我們虛偽 (Let’s be fake)

The word “fake” here has many layers. Because CQL is a BL drama, many people often accuse ggdd as being fake in their relationship as a form of queer-baiting for promoting the show and gaining popularity. So I think the “let’s be fake” can hit too close home for dd because he doesn’t want to have to sell out his relationship with gg but at the same time, if he can use this excuse to be close to gg, should he? This goes the same for their roles as WWX and LWJ. They could use their “fake” persona who are two lovers as an excuse to be lovey-dovey with each other without ever revealing their feelings. We know from all the interviews how much dd wants to separate himself from LWJ but gg during filming sees himself as WWX so dd also struggles with using LWJ as an excuse to get close gg. 

有感情　別浪費 (Have feelings, shouldn’t be wasted)

This line is basically giving in to his desire. Dd knows that true “feelings” exist between them and for someone as ambitious as he is, he won’t let any opportunity “go to waste”. We can see from how determined he is about dancing, motorcycle, skateboard, etc. that he would not let anything go. This is also true about his feelings for gg, at least that’s what he wants. However, there is a lot more insecurity when it comes to love and so while dd wants to grab on like he does with his hobbies, part of him is also afraid to move forward.

不能相愛的一對 (Two people that can’t love each other)

親愛像兩兄妹 (Emotionally close like brother and sister)

This goes back to the theme in all of dd’s songs that talks about not being able to be together because of gender and age. Here, even though we’ve established previously that genuine feelings exist, they “can’t” love each other and have to settle for being “brothers.” I think the label of “brothers” is also particularly agonizing for dd because that’s how homophobia in China like to wash homosexual relationship, for example saying that Wangxian’s relationship is just brotherly. So if ggdd can’t be lovers, being “brothers” would be socially acceptable relationship for them.

愛讓我們虛偽 (Love allow us to be fake/hypocritical)

The relationship feels fake because it’s not exactly what dd genuinely wants. They use their roles as actors and Wangxian’s relationship to cover up a lot of their feelings for each other. 

我得到　於事無補的安慰 (What I gain is useless comfort)

你也得到模仿愛上一個人的機會 (What you gain is the chance to imitate falling in love with someone)

This echos the first line of the song that gg gives dd a lot of care. But the “comfort” is “useless” because no matter how much gg gives, if they’re not honest about their relationship, dd’s heart will always have a gaping hole that the comfort can never fill. Since dd is uncertain of what gg feels, all he sees is gg acting like he’s liking someone so that’s why it feels like gg is just “imitating” the act of falling in love. We know now that gg does love him but when you’re in a fog of ambiguous relationship, you can never be sure if the other person is in love with love or in love with you.

殘忍也不失慈悲 (It’s brutal but still have mercy)

這樣的關係你說　多完美 (This kind of relationship, won’t you say it’s wonderful?)

These two lines have a tone of mockery. The oxymoron of “brutal” and “mercy” paints the push and pull relationship they were in during filming and the up and down dd must have felt when they were on a break. We know dd is a very blunt person and doesn’t like to beat around the bush. So for him to be in this state, it must be agonizing, painful, and “brutal” so the word “wonderful” is definitely mockery. 

眼看你　看著我　看得那麼曖昧 (Look at you, looking at me, looking so “ai mei”)

被愛愛人原來一樣可悲 (Being loved and loving someone apparently is equally pitiful)

I purposefully didn’t translate “ai mei” because to me, there is no good English word for it. It describe an ambiguous state before dating when you’re flirty yet uncertain. When we watch the CQL bts, “ai mei” is the pink flurry bubbles we see between ggdd. Here, the song perfectly describes that state during filming. It also uses “eyes” and “looking” to describe this “ai mei” between ggdd because the most obvious sign of ggdd liking each other in my opinion is the way they look at each other, whether as Wangxian or as themselves. But the next line tells us that while it seems pink and fluffy from outsiders, it’s actually “pitiful” that that’s all they can have, for both parties. I think here dd thinks the’s the one that is “loving someone” and gg is the one that’s “being loved”, establishing an unequal position between them. But I think that they love each other equally and that dd was just too in a mist to see it.

為什麼竟然防備　別人給我獻媚 (Why guard? The flattery others give me)

不能推　不能要　要了怕你誤會 (Can’t deny, can’t want, I worry if I want you will misunderstand)

讓我想起曾經　愛過誰　我所要的她不給 (Let me be reminded of a person I used to love, and she didn’t love me back)

好像小偷一樣卑微 (I was just as pitiful as a thief)

The “can’t deny, can’t want” echos the beating around the bush feeling. You can feel the ambiguous tension in this verse. The song talks about another girl that the singer used to love that didn’t love them back. Here, I’m going to assume that dd just empathize with the feeling and not take it literally. The line “as pitiful as a thief” really breaks my heart. Dd must have felt like the love he was receiving didn’t really belong to him and that every moment he was bask in it, he was being greedy.

The actual plot of the whole song is about a girl liking the singer and the singer didn’t like her back but still enjoy the ambiguous situation they were in. My own head cannon for this song is that for dd, he empathize more with the pain of the push and pull described in the song more than the plot. He’s unsure where his relationship with gg stand. If he listen to this song during late 2018 when they barely contact, he must’ve been using this ambiguous pain to describe the relationship they had during summer 2018. It may’ve been sweet but dd was always in a state of fear of loss. And since he wasn’t in contact with gg, he is also afraid that gg will come back and say they should just be “brothers.” “Brotherhood” must be one of the most painful definition for ggdd because during their interviews in summer 2019, they always refer to each other as “friends” (or “like friends”) and rarely ever use “brothers” because “friends” can imply “best friends” and “boyfriend” but “brothers” can only ever be platonic.  

This song was as agonizing to analyze as it was to listen to. But it’s such a beautiful piece. It’s actually really hard not to let my own emotion get to my analysis haha. I will pick something happier for my next one, probably gg’s view again. 

Also, happy birthday, dd! This is the 8th song to represent you. The music video also have them celebrating a cake. I hope you have move away from pain and are celebrating with loved ones <3