#in case it's not clear: this isn't an indictment of the game's heretical path at all. i enjoyed it a lot!

[echthr0s]

Playing Heretical was great fun but I understand now why I struggled with it at the same time. From what I've come to understand, the nature of a Heretical person in the context of this universe -- or, at least, the one you're being made to play in Rogue Trader -- is casual cruelty. The heretic cares nothing for the Imperium, naturally, but it also cares nothing for the people that make up (or are subjugated by) the Imperium, nothing for the many worlds and the life on those many worlds, nothing for anything but fleeting amusements. The heretic lacks interiority; they are all base instinct and puerile emotionality. They are an emptiness that Chaos is more than happy to fill, but Chaos expressed through the limits of an emotionally-stunted human loses a lot of depth.

(And, again, I think this may just be a limitation of Rogue Trader specifically. The Dogmatic player character is also represented this way; Heretical and Dogmatic have hilariously similar dialogue options and reactions to me, which may or may not be a commentary on fanaticism. It is probably true that Owlcat just loves Iconoclast best, and has, possibly intentionally, flanderised the other two alignments in service of that love.)

To live in Ana-Dimitri's skin, I had to exist at a remove from this universe. I could not afford to form attachments, to be invested, because at any moment I may be faced with a Heretical choice like "casually blow up this planet" or "casually make an absolute ruin of this person's life". However… this is not what it's like to live in Ana-Dimitri's skin, and it was very disorienting to play sometimes as a result. Some things did align, of course: the slow corruption of companions like Idira, for example, and also the casual presentation of oneself as a god (subjugating Vladaym was a high point, absolutely loved that dialogue). But ingame!Ana-Dimitri is a puppet, in service to Powers that are called Ruinous for a reason. Real!Ana-Dimitri is no one's puppet -- not the Imperium's, not the Chaos gods'. She is her own thing, and her own thing is being ruled by her passions -- not her base instincts or petty fleeting moods, but a deep and insatiable hunger. For sensation, for adoration, for freedom, for love.

You don't get adoration, or freedom, or love from blowing things up or killing indiscriminately. Mercy is a valuable tool here. Tyranny does not interest her, because who loves a tyrant? Isn't it so much more gratifying to watch the masses drop to their knees and accept your corruption with adoring eyes and open mouths?

I digress, though -- not only did playing Ana-Dimitri's savefile mean I had to actually play as someone less interesting than Ana-Dimitri, but it also meant that I had to temper my own passions. I couldn't be interested in Yrliet, because Yrliet will be leaving my party shortly due to my 400+ Heretical points. The horror of Commorragh was nothing to me, emotionally, and therefore Commorragh was less interesting. I didn't know a single thing about like 5 of my companions because I didn't take them anywhere because either 1) they would just yell at me for everything I did and I got sick of suffering their judgement or 2) I didn't want them to become sudden casualties in some Heretical gambit. I had to play my natural passionate curiosity as a distant, scheming curiosity instead. Intriguing conversations would be cut short because I'd have to say or do some cartoonishly evil shit. In the end, I feel like I missed a full third of the game because a lot of paths become unavailable to you when you're, well, being cartoonishly evil.

Playing Noah's savefile is like really coming home to the universe. Living in Noah's skin has always been incredibly easy, because games tend to like and reward characters like Noah. I am experiencing so many new and interesting things -- small things, like learning Foulstone becomes a Colony when you don't just blow the place up or whatever, and big things, like finally getting to do Argenta's personal quest and Yrliet's romance. I get to feel the horrors of Commorragh now, really immerse myself in the sheer awfulness! It's delightful (<- things only a true lover of sensation and emotion would say)! And the irony is… Noah and Ana-Dimitri are made from the same blueprint, sired by the same entity. They're the same. They just took different roads to fulfilling their deepest hunger. Ana-Dimitri is like her dread father, and chooses corruption. Noah is like his human mother, and chooses compassion. But what drives them is exactly the same: to feel deeply, to be loved, to be unfettered by anyone's dogma. To love as they will, and reap the rewards.