#in august or whenever i get stressed enough to want to translate instead

[studioweus]

This was an article from January 26th, 2016 by Netri! (네트리* I’m not entirely sure what the proper romanization is for their name but I’ll go with this spelling throughout this post). I tried to re-create the article to include the images and videos, but due to formatting limitations, the videos have just been put as links instead. (Also thank you @iyfrr​ for helping me proof-read!)

Text in square brackets are translator's notes. Asterisks will denote one of the members interrupting another member (LOL) The original article will be linked as the source. May contain minor translation inaccuracies.

[Link to ‘Butterfly, Finding Flower’ Teaser]

We've met with the visually strongest band M.A.S 0094.

A skillful, visual band composed of members born between the years 1994 and 2000.  

Aside from their flower-like appearances, they also possess unwavering talent, a trait about themselves that we'll be looking forward to in the future.

[CAPTION: Awkward....]

Please introduce the band~

It was wonderful how we chanced upon one another. At the beginning, the leader [who was Kanghyun at the time], the drummer, and the bassist were the ones who started the group with their respective instruments.

As we started, our bassist friend here brought forth a sub-vocal friend of his. We originally had four members at the time that we were promoting. Then we went to perform a session at a contest where we happened to stumble upon the eldest who claimed his victory. We then had a conversation with him ... and then recruited him? We brought him into the group. So it was around the middle of May in 2015 when we decided to bring him in? It started in May and has been this way since then.

Now that we think about it, it hasn’t been that long since we met but our friendship feels like we’ve been a band together for several years.

Our first song <Butterfly, Finding Flower> was released on the 13th of August.

Please introduce yourselves~

Kang Hyungu (Leader, Guitarist)

My name is Kanghyun. I'm 19 years old. I'm the leader and the guitarist. My nickname is especially ... ah, the members think I'm a genius at guitar but I don't think so. Yeah, that's it.

HYUNGU'S PERSONALITY:

Hyungu: I'm ... a little bit shy.

Netri: It does seem like it. Not once have you maintained eye contact with me.

Hyungu: Yes ... ㅋㅋㅋ I'm somewhat shy. I hate wasting even the slightest bit of time. So when there's nothing to do when I'm in the car, I would either read books or be preoccupied with something else.

Harin: But I think he really is that kind of person. The first time we’ve seen each other was when we were in middle school. We met through this teacher and we were having a conversation, but not once did he look up, and he just stood there. Then I thought, I wanted to get acquainted and familiarize myself with him more soon.

Dongmyeong: But when we actually got to know one another, we suddenly became close.

Harin: He may be very shy, but after a while, he opens up about everything.

Giwook: Hyungu hyung is ... a meticulous person? And he also practices very diligently. He's truly a sincere hyung and that's why he's cool.

Yonghoon: That sounded soulless ㅋㅋㅋ First of all, he's definitely a very shy one, which was the reason why I actually made a lot of effort towards him. Since I'm the older one, it seemed a lot harder to do [the approaching]. So, I purposefully extended phone calls with him at night and sent him lengthy messages bit by bit on Kakaotalk. The first time when we weren't as close, our exchanges were something along the lines of, "Whenever [Yonghoon] hyung says something like this, I feel really moved." But as time passed on and we've grown more close, it's now more of "Hyung, you're being overly dramatic again. Good night" ㅋㅋㅋ A lot has changed since.

Dongmyeong: Hyungu hyung may be a really shy person, but he's also quite bashful. He acts like a real man. ㅋㅋㅋ But he's definitely leader material. The members are actually quite young so we tend to slack off often, but whenever we do so, he would catch us [and scold them for it]. So I think he's exactly like a leader in that respect.

JU HARIN (DRUMMER)

I'm the drummer in MAS, 19-year old Harin. I may not have a nickname though, I think ... Since I have more of a caring nature, I lean more towards sort of being described as a housewife, kind of like a 'housewife' mother. MAS' mother.

HARIN'S PERSONALITY:

Harin: My personality is something along the lines of ... being able to befriend people quick. I don't particularly like being shy so I'm the kind of person who will approach someone first. I'm extremely caring.

Ever since I was young, you could say I was almost responsible for raising a younger sibling. Since I was five, our parents would often go on business trips, so I had to take care of my sister and that's where my family-oriented nature came in. I would cook at home and receive advice from mom, so my overall character just seems to be more of a family-oriented person, like a mother or a father.

Hyungu: Yeah, I think so, too.

Dongmyeong: Elaborate a little bit more on that please.

Hyungu: There's a lot of ground to cover though. But ... he's good-natured. He does seem to have a bit of a lazy side to him, right?  ㅋㅋㅋ Yeah, let's just move on.

Giwook: It's true that Harin hyung is the most caring person. But Yonghoon also takes good care of us. And he's also really playful.

Harin: What? Is that it?

Dongmyeong: Ah~ Can I go for it? Can I?

Yonghoon: Yeah ... Giwook and I thought of the same thing ㅋㅋㅋ No, just kidding. As Harin said, he is definitely a family person and he's also quite sociable. He briefly met my younger brother. In about 15 seconds of meeting him, [Harin] already had an arm around his [Yonghoon's brother's] shoulder. And also, as Hyungu said earlier, he can be the lazy type but that's something that he can improve upon himself.

Dongmyeong: Ah, for me ... Harin hyung truly does take care of us well. He certainly does.

Harin: What’s this all of a sudden?

Dongmyeong: It’s true! That’s what he’s like! ㅋㅋㅋ (Just kidding, just kidding). Harin hyung is really friendly. He met my brother one time and it was almost as though the two of them haven't seen each other in 30 years. At home, my brother even said, "That hyung is strange."

Yonghoon: So did my brother.

Dongmyeong: But it was- it was nice.

LEE GIWOOK (MAKNAE, BASSIST, LYRICIST)

Hello, I'm the youngest in MAS, 17-year old Lee Giwook. Ah, that's right. I'm also the bassist of the group. Hmm .. what else .. I'm just the youngest. The youngest in the band.

*The members interrupting* (This particular part denotes the members cutting in) - He writes lyrics well. *He has written two songs in English. - With a bit of ... Googling... did he not (doubts about the translating situation)

I am responsible for song-writing. Please watch over me. ^^

GIWOOK'S PERSONALITY:

Giwook: Yes, hello? I'm the youngest. I am often understanding towards people! In a considerate manner. Hmm ... And even though I struggle to describe myself, I'm striving to live as a kind-hearted individual. Ah, and I often also hear that I'm more mature for someone my age. But despite my mature side, I still look young ... I don't know.

Hyungu: For me personally, he's truly admirable. Since we've been together from the very beginning, I think I'm the one who knows Giwook the best out of all the members. Firstly, I'm so proud of him, and he's never once stayed mad at me for a long period of time as we make fun and joke among ourselves. Giwook also doesn't swear, he's mature, and he thinks deeply. And now you're glaring at me ...? [at Giwook] Okay.

Harin: Next to Hyungu, I know Giwook the most, but I always feel sorry towards him. I was a junior and he was a freshman in high school when I first met him. I must've been a little distressing to him. I would often joke around because we were close, but Giwook must've felt hurt?

But he understood [the nature] of the situation and would come back a moment later saying, "It's okay, hyung~" So I joke around, but particularly more carefully around Giwook.

Dongmyeong: Always Giwook before me ...

Harin: Yeah, that's about right.

Dongmyeong: What's worse is that he doesn't even answer my phone calls.

Harin: No! No! That may be so, but he's very considerate and kind. As you get to know him better, you'll notice he's more reserved towards the older ones. Especially towards the noonas. Awo~ I can't even say it. Let's end it at that. And he does an excellent job at writing lyrics for songs and raps. He is one talented individual.

Yonghoon: Giwook may be the youngest but he is definitely praiseworthy. As the older one, I'd want to be the one to watch over him but I also want him to speak to me when something goes wrong - because I can tell. When there is something that bothers them, whatever it may be, I want them to be able to talk about it, but neither Hyungu nor Giwook say anything. Besides that though, he's amazing, mature, and he's great at writing song and rap lyrics. I think he's definitely the best younger brother.

Dongmyeong: Giwook and I are the same age so ... Even though Giwook comes across as mature, he can still be playful and can mess around like his peers. But I think he can also be under a lot of stress. He’s a quiet person, and even though it appears as if he's under a lot of pressure to be good [at what he does], you can obviously tell. Yet he doesn't talk about it. If he were to say enough, we could help each other out. Yeah, we would.

JIN YONGHOON (ELDEST HYUNG, VOCALIST, GUITARIST)

Hello, I am. MAS' eldest, the vocalist, and guitarist Jin Yonghoon. My nickname ... I always take care of the younger ones with a generous heart.

*Huh? What are you on about?

It's always raining and snowing... [referring to how the members have so much to say]

Heoheoheoheo (we'll cut the downpour of complaints here)

I think I'm like a father who cherishes and loves you

*Absolutely not. It's like ... we'll just leave it at that.

YONGHOON'S PERSONALITY:

Yonghoon: My personality ... since I have a younger brother, I treat the younger members well. Honestly.

Dongmyeong: COUGH COUGH ... So shameless ... COUGH

Yonghoon: I'm not good with hyungs. I can't adjust to their level. And I seem to be the kind of person who has to deal with them one by one. Yeah, that sounds about right. I can't just sit back and watch if someone tries to bother the younger ones.

Dongmyeong: Wah you're a gangster, hyung.

Yonghoon: Yeah, that's right ...

Hyungu: I think Yonghoon hyung is like the pillar of the group. I personally like him a lot. He's filled with charisma. It's the same way when we're on stage, but even when it's just among us, he would be more reprimanding, and when we play around he makes it more fun. I don't think I would be able to do any of those if I were him. But that's just what I think. He does it towards the younger ones often on Kakaotalk.

I personally haven't given the younger members my Kakaotalk. But after meeting Yonghoon, he's been helpful towards me [in that area of connecting with the younger members]. Sort of like a life coach? Yeah, that's all. Hyung. I love you.

Dongmyeong: This is like a healing camp.

Harin: Yeah, Hyungu and I feel the same way. When I can't get it together, [Yonghoon] hyung has been the pillar. And with his charisma ... sometimes he's charismatic, other times he isn't. It comes and goes like a split personality. The first few times I've been with him, he would scold me a lot. But because of that, I am who I am now.

Giwook: Yonghoon has a fatherly personality. Even with just the four of us doing activities as a band, Yonghoon just waltzed in and it suddenly felt even more like a band. He's a great singer and he's really nice. But there's hardly any instances where he doesn't depend on us. We just got back from Lotteria [a fast food chain in South Korea], and he would ask us to do this or that, or throw this or that away. Though he's there when we need someone to rely on, too. Yeah, that's all.

Dongmyeong: Yonghoon hyung gives a lot of advice. He would even give advice on the smallest of things. But he can't do any handiwork. He would always be constantly teasing me about nothing else but singing, but has he ever tidied something up with his own two hands? No, right?

As for instances of that ... We were out eating at Lotteria and there was one time where he saw me just leaving and not cleaning up. But he also really just left [the trash] behind. So then I had to do the clean up in the end. He can sometimes be really childish. He's just whining and making a fuss on the daily...

Yonghoon: Yeah!!! (hurriedly rushing)

SON DONGMYEONG (VOCALIST, PIANIST)

Yes, I'm the vocalist and pianist in MAS, Son Dongmyeong. My foot size is 280 [for reference, that is a 9.5 in NA sizes]. So my nickname is 발동명 [foot Dongmyeong - though the word ‘발동‘ can also mean ‘to instigate/to start something’]

-- But your height is 160 cm.

What's that supposed to mean!! Please don't believe that. Also, I was born in 2000 but since I was born earlier than Giwook, I'm his hyung. It may only be a two-week gap [between him and Giwook] but I entered high school earlier than him.

Netri: So, that makes you a hyung to him?

Yes, but we sometimes talk casually as well.

[It is generally common courtesy to speak to someone in a respectful manner if they're older than you or if you've just met them. But once you've both established a more familiar relationship, especially if you’re the same age, you could also speak casually!]

- You’re in middle school and I’m in high school so you have to call me hyung~

What sort of set up is this.

DONGMYEONG'S PERSONALITY:

Dongmyeong: I ... am also shy at first, but once we grow closer, everything becomes okay. Ah, no? You don't think I'm shy? Hmm ... I'm quite timid.

Yonghoon: He is very talented. You'll know once you see him during a concert.

Dongmyeong: Umm ... but even though I have a lot to say, [those words] aren't reflective of what I truly mean. Isn't that right?

Yonghoon: But you can't ask that.

Dongmyeong: I really don't know ... my personality ...

Yonghoon: Okay, so we will do the talking.

Hyungu: Honestly, Dongmyeong speaks politely. I think he's one of the most kind-hearted kids. And that is truly nice. But that [kind of personality] can also be bad. He is really nice and also very naive. So I think it would be good for him to comfortably express how he truly feels. At first, I was like "how can he be so angelic?" But that was just at first.

Dongmyeong: WHAT DO YOU MEAN!!!

Yonghoon: Now he's more like a sergeant.

Hyungu: I'm usually more of a tsundere towards Dongmyeong. Whenever he asks me a question, I just give a prompt response - but that's not what I'm truly trying to say. Honestly, conversations with Dongmyeong can be quite bothersome ㅋㅋㅋ I don't want to respond ㅋㅋㅋㅋ But he's definitely a good younger brother.

Harin: I don't have much to say other than that. I think his kindness is just a facade. There have been instances where, even though he is nicely talking to me, I can't take it seriously because he sounds too innocent. Even when I'm tired, I seriously go "Ah, stop." but he would punch me and say "Ayyye #%$%$" He can be senseless sometimes.

Yonghoon: He always takes things too far... So he's Do # (Seriously, what kind of gags does this guy have?)

[Yonghoon said '도를 넘어' which translates to 'being excessive/going too far' but can also mean 'beyond Do (as in the note)' ... hence... the Do # pun... Thanks for the dad jokes, Yonghoon. We love ya]

Giwook: Hello, it's the maknae here. As far as I'm concerned, I've ... (taking notice) spent the most time with Dongmyeong. We live 5 minutes away from one another, and our schools were also actually close to each other. Personality-wise, Dongmyeong is kind-hearted, but his talent is no joke either. He is quite skilled. He can be playful. He's a ... really good hyung. The mood maker?

Harin: I think he holds up the role of the energizer [in the group].

Giwook: Without Dongmyeong hyung, things would be terribly dull. And also, when it's just the two of us alone, we tend to have serious conversations, and he seems like a different person. He cries, too.

Dongmyeong: You're so mean~!!

Yonghoon: Dongmyeong ... is definitely the one I talk to the most - the reason being is that we're the most talkative ones. When he's not able to sleep at night, he's always messaging me on Kakaotalk. I always ‘see’ him. Even though I get confused with what goes on with the others, I just see it as is with Dongmyeong. Even just from his clumsy way of walking ... 'Ah, there's something going on with him" - I just see it.

The first time around when he was still really shy, I started a conversation with him like, "Dongmyeong-ah, did you eat" and he goes "Ah! No! Would you like to eat?" But these days, it's more like "Hey, what do you wanna eat?" ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

Even now when we joke around, he can still get hurt since he's soft-hearted, but he pretends that he isn't. But then I see that. To tell you the truth, I feel sorry for him once in a while. But then that’s what makes me want to tease him even more ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

A FAVOURITE SONG OF YOURS IS ...?

Hyungu: There are two songs that immediately come to mind - <PEACE> is one of them. It's really good, but above all,

- You wrote the melody for it

Yeah, very much so. I think it's good.

[I unfortunately was not able to find a performance of PEACE anywhere ;-;]

Harin: Yeah, I really like <PEACE> too. The reason being is that, one time, Hyungu and I were staying at my house, and we were both playing guitar and singing, and then the chords just came out nicely ... So we took those and showed it to them [the other members] and were met with good reactions, and because I'm a fan of awesome things [like the song], this song is definitely my style.

Giwook: For me, the song <PEACE> and <Starlight> are songs I've composed ... What these two songs have in common is that they're both undoubtedly dynamic. The beginning starts off quietly but then it unravels at the end part. The lyrics are good, the melody is also good. I think it's just really good. I also wrote the lyrics for <PEACE> as well.

Yonghoon: I also had two songs in mind - <Blessing> and <Starlight>

[I couldn't find a video performance for 'Peace' but here is a video link to Blessing! ]

I wasn't originally going to go with <Blessing> but ... I wrote this one. And it is also rather cold out now. It's winter. The melody for this song is the exact thing that reminds me of winter. It is definitely a warm and dynamic kind of song.

Dongmyeong: For me, it's <Feeling Good> and <A Wonderful Person> [also was not able to find a video performance for this song] The maknae, Giwook, wrote the lyrics for <Feeling Good>, and it's the most well-known song of ours. It's just something that easily comes to mind and that anyone can relate to. And the lyrics are also really nice.

I wrote the lyrics with Yonghoon hyung for <A Wonderful Person> ... I haven't tried doing that with the other members yet, but it's a song for my father.

[Link to a live performance video of ‘Starlight’] 

WHY DO YOU DO MUSIC?

Hyungu: Music ... is that not a reason?

Dongmyeong: Music!~ Music is my life.

Hyungu: Honestly, if you were to ask about the reasons, there's a lot ... Or there's none. Right now I honestly don't know. I think I might know if you ask it again.

Harin: I’ve honestly found playing the drums to be fun and interesting since I was younger. When I get hooked onto something, I deeply get into it. The more I play the drums, even the drum sounds become more interesting to me. I also get to be part of a band as well. I feel a different kind of charm when the drum sounds come out. When I share music with this friend (Hyungu), I get to experience new things, too. I want to see this through until the end.

Giwook: When I was in fifth grade, a close friend of mine asked me to form a band with them. I was going to play the drums at first, but then I switched to the bass. The more we do music, the more fun it becomes and I get attached to it. I can also learn about one's personality through music. I think music is appealing. It's fun. I will be doing music until I die.

Yonghoon: Back when I was a student, I went to a Lee Seungcheul concert with my mom and my grandmother. That's when I felt it then - that this is what I should do. I may not have lived for that long yet, but my most honourable memory to date is that connection I had with Lee Seungcheul.

He had hurt me at first. I went to Super Star K 4 a while ago. I got through to the second round, then I approached him only to hear biting remarks. I remember being hurt then. And then I recently went to Lee Seungcheul's studio to record the chorus [part of a song?]. So I did the recording, and had a meal. I was sitting close by and he gave me alcohol as I was an adult by then. That was the most honourable moment to me. I think it was because of him that I was able to do music.

Dongmyeong: For me, it's just ... nice to give everyone what they like. The reason why I still enjoy performing is because people feel happy when I sing. All these people like it and I become interested. So I just like it.

[Link to a video performance of ‘Blessing’]

Netri: Even though they do music at such a young age, their heart and actions are never light as MAS 0094 has their own personal philosophy and thoughts regarding music. This was a moment where I certainly learned a lot from them. Even though they are younger than me, they definitely have a better understanding of [the certainty of] their own thoughts and dreams. I hope you are able to maintain this same genuine passion for music in the future as well. Adios~

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

We’ll Carry On - Chapter Seventeen

We’ll Carry On Tag

General Content Warnings: Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Substance Abuse, Abandonment, Minor Character Death, Transphobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociation, Bullying, Homophobia

August 14th, 2016

“Mama?” Dee asked uncertainly, tapping her cheek. He didn’t want to wake her up if she was sleeping, but he didn’t think she was. Her eyes were open and moving, though she was staring at a wall that had nothing on it. “Mama, I’m hungry.”

But Mama didn’t do anything, she just continued to sit there. Dee’s stomach snarled and he felt tears prick his eyes. Mama didn’t used to be like this. Usually she would just take those stupid pills once a week, and then something changed. But ever since she was taking them more often, he’d been getting less food, less attention, less everything.

Dee crawled into her lap and imagined himself just sitting down while she was in that old rocking chair he loved to sit in, and that they were rocking back and forth, back and forth, and he would get food as soon as his favorite show ended. Instead of sitting on the uncomfortable floor, with no idea when he’d be able to get food again, he pretended he was cared for, and safe.

March 1st, 2019

When Dee first woke up, it was on a couch with a different texture than the one he normally fell asleep on waiting for Mama. He opened his eyes and looked around, finding a light-filled, open-air space that was nothing like his home, and he nearly shouted in his alarm, before he remembered. Mama sent him away.

Tears pricked his eyes and he wiped at them furiously before anyone could see. Or at least, he hoped no one saw them. “Hey,” a man said from behind him, and he whirled around. “It’s okay, Dee. My name is Remy. Do you remember where you are?”

Slowly, Dee nodded.

Remy smiled encouragingly. “It looks like we’re the first ones up for the day. I don’t know a lot of American Sign Language, but I know enough to understand yes and no, and some basic signs for food, water, the bathroom, that sort of stuff. Emile is gonna teach me more so I can eventually talk to you like he and Logan can. And I think he plans on teaching the others, too.”

Dee didn’t understand. Mama had taught him sign since he was just a baby, because she already knew it and wanted to talk to him. But people learning a new language? For him? Was he...even worth that trouble?

Remy watched him patiently for a few moments. “Is there anything that you’d like right now? A drink?” he offered.

Dee nodded. “Water?” he signed.

“Yeah, of course, let’s get you water,” Remy said, holding out his hand for Dee to take if he wanted.

Dee gently took it in one of his still-gloved hands, and followed Remy to a spacious kitchen with an island surrounded by chairs. Remy helped him onto one of the chairs and poured water into a glass filled with ice, passing it to Dee. Dee took extra care to not spill it.

Remy sat down next to Dee with his own glass of water. “So, Dee...do you want to tell me about yourself? You don’t have to, but I’m a little curious. How old are you?”

“I’m five,” Dee signed.

“Five, huh? Are you in school?” Remy asked.

Dee shook his head. “Mama didn’t take me,” he signed.

“Past...go...oh, she never took you to enroll?” Remy filled in.

Dee nodded.

Remy frowned. “Well, that’s no good. It’s a little late to enroll you in this school year, it would be hard for you to catch up. I’ll have to talk to Emile about summer school.”

Dee frowned. “Why?”

“Well, you have to go to school, Dee. It’s the law,” Remy said. “Do you know why your mom never took you?”

Dee nodded, looking away.

“I doubt I’d know enough sign for you to explain, and I won’t force you to say anything about it if you don’t want to,” Remy said. Dee was surprised, but didn’t get a chance to comment, because Remy pointed to his gloves. “I like your gloves, by the way.”

“Thanks,” Dee signed.

“Any particular reason you like them?” Remy asked.

Dee blushed and looked down. He was always embarrassed explaining the reason he liked them to strangers. But...this man, though a stranger, was married to his possible dad. A dad who had shown more care for him in one day than Mama had shown him for a month. Maybe...maybe he could explain? “It makes me feel like a villain,” Dee whispered. “Villains don’t get hurt. The hero may beat them, but they always come back. So I pretend to be a villain, to try and hurt less.”

Remy frowned, and Dee prepared himself to get laughed at, or lectured, or told he shouldn’t look up to villains. But all Remy said was, “That makes sense.”

Dee looked at Remy with a frown.

“It’s sad that you have to pretend you can’t get hurt, but I understand why you do it,” Remy said. “And I don’t blame you at all. Seriously. My parents...well, they never left me but they didn’t always provide the help I needed. So I pretended to be my favorite characters from my favorite books, who could do everything by themselves.”

Dee winced. That sounded like what he did, almost to a T...whatever that expression meant.

“Glad I’m not the only one with parents who sucked,” Logan said as he walked past the two of them to the refrigerator.

Dee jumped but Remy just chuckled. “Yeah, no, my parents weren’t one-hundred percent with it. It wasn’t fun.”

Logan sat down at the table with a glass of milk. “So today’s Friday...do I still have to go to school?”

“Yeah. We only called you in absent yesterday because we needed to move ASAP. I’ll be driving you and Roman to school today, while Emile will take Patton and Virgil later in the morning,” Remy said.

“Convenient, how the drive to my school takes just enough time that you can drop Roman off at his on the way back,” Logan said, arching an eyebrow.

Remy laughed and agreed, and Dee stared into his glass of water. He didn’t like talking. Too many people accused him of lying or being sarcastic, and he didn’t know why everyone always assumed that about him. With sign, it was easy to show sarcasm and no one misinterpreted you. So he mostly stuck to that. The only upside about talking here was that he could communicate with Remy.

Talking took a lot of effort and thought, though, too. That’s why sign was so much easier, so much better. But...even if the other kids in the house learned a little sign, would it be enough for Dee to communicate with them? Would he have to resort to talking most of the time? He didn’t want to, but he was the new kid. The new kids were the ones who listened to the rules already there, they didn’t bend the rules to fit their needs.

Logan was waving his hand gently in Dee’s direction and Dee looked up, making a questioning noise in the back of his throat.

“Why are you so sad?” Logan signed.

Dee shrugged. “I’m not,” he lied.

“I don’t believe you,” Logan shot back.

Dee huffed. “Only two people in this house know sign. I don’t want to have to talk.”

“You won’t have to talk,” Logan spoke aloud, probably for Remy’s benefit. “Nobody will make you. Mister Emile can help you during the day while Mister Remy’s at work, and whenever he’s not around, I can be your translator.”

“What about school?” Dee asked, pulling a face at the final word.

“I don’t know about school,” Logan said thoughtfully. “But I assume that they have classes for nonverbal kids, or they have interpreters that can help you.”

Dee sighed. “I don’t like talking. It’s like there’s a block from my brain to my mouth and every word has to get around it somehow. It’s not easy.”

Logan frowned. “That can happen when you’re learning a second language,” Logan signed. “But if you know both and learned both at the same time, I can’t explain that.”

Dee shrugged, eyes sliding away from Logan back to his glass. He had yet to look anyone here in the eye, but he knew he was getting close with Logan and Remy. Close was about as far as he ever got with anyone, though. The one exception to that rule was Mama, and he didn’t do it often with her, either.

There was a knock on the wall from behind them and Dee nearly jumped out of his skin again. He turned to find Emile standing there. Was everyone in this house that quiet?! “Sorry, Dee, I didn’t want to startle you,” he apologized.

Dee just shrugged. He wasn’t in a position to complain.

“But, the reason I came in. I noticed your discussion, and your description of speaking, Dee, reminds me of language disorders.” Emile leaned against the wall and worried his lip. “Now, I can’t know which one, because I’m not a speech therapist, but coupled with some of your other behaviors...well, if you’re okay with it, I’d like to take you to someone who might be able to evaluate you, just to make sure that there’s not anything we’re missing.”

Dee nodded. That was okay, he supposed. It was good to cover your bases, wasn’t it?

Emile smiled at him before glancing to Remy, tilting his head away from the kitchen. “Mind having a private conversation really quick?” he asked Remy.

Remy nodded and left the room with Emile, leaving Dee and Logan alone. Logan tilted his head to the side slightly and hummed. “Hey, Dee?” he asked.

Dee nodded, not glancing from his water but signing, “What?” all the same.

“Do you know how to read?” Logan asked.

Dee looked up at that, turning pink. He knew that was one of the things you had to learn in school, but he’d never been. And now that he knew he was supposed to have started going, well...he doubted the others would call him stupid to his face, but what about behind his back? He shook his head slightly.

“I thought not,” Logan said. “That’s quite all right, though. If you want, when I have finished my personal studies after school, I could help teach you how to read.”

There were loud footsteps approaching behind them, and the boy Dee recognized as the one who was singing Disney songs scoffed. “Personal studies? Logan? Really? Just say you have homework like the rest of us and be done with it!”

“Homework is personal studies, Roman. As opposed to shared learning in a classroom,” Logan said without so much as a shrug.

Roman opened the door to the refrigerator and rolled his eyes. “Look, it’s nice that you want to help the new kid, Logan, but I doubt you have any books he’d be interested in.”

“We don’t have to use books. We can also use captions on cartoons when he learns more basic words,” Logan said. “And if you would allow it, we could always use some of your books. The fairy tales you have as a paperback for example. We would use that, rather than the collectible you got as a late Christmas present, of course.”

Roman paused and thought. “Yeah, you could use the old paperbacks if you want. Just ask first, because I might want to read them that day.”

Logan nodded. “Naturally.”

Dee was a little shocked at this conversation. He waved his hand to get Logan’s attention again and once he had it, signed, “Why would you help me?”

Logan looked taken aback at that question. “Well...I always appreciate helping people who want to learn. But other than that...whether or not you’re related to us, you’re part of our family for now. And we don’t let our family hang out to dry. We make sure that they’re taken care of.”

Roman piped up. “I always enjoy sharing my fairy tales with anyone who’ll listen. Most people say I’m too old for fairy tales but I just say that they haven’t read the right ones if they think people just outgrow those stories.”

“Both excellent points, boys, but you’re going to have to move fast to get to school at this rate,” Emile said from the entrance to the room.

Logan and Roman finished their drinks quickly, both of them grabbing something or another from the pantry, presumably as a quick breakfast. Emile approached Dee and Dee tried to swallow his apprehension. He was still essentially in a house full of strangers, after all.

Emile sat down next to him and looked him over. “How are you holding up, kid?” he asked.

“I’m okay,” Dee signed simply.

Emile smiled at that and again, Dee was surprised. “That’s good, Dee. Now, once all the others are at school, we’re going to have to go to a friend of mine and Remy’s to get help with giving you a legal place to stay. We’re registered foster parents, so we can keep you here, but we need a couple things first.”

Dee nodded and rubbed at his cheek, grimacing. He was itching again. He needed his eczema cream.

“Oh, and we should probably get you some cream for your eczema,” Emile said, wincing. “If you come with me, can you point out what you might have used when you were with your mama?”

Dee nodded. That was easy, he could definitely do that.

There was a loud bang upstairs and the sound of two kids yelling and laughing, and Emile sighed. “I’m afraid Patton and Virgil might be a little...rowdier than Logan and Roman are,” he said apologetically. “But they’ll only be here for another hour, maybe, and then we can take them to school and get you settled in here.”

Dee nodded again. He wasn’t sure what settling in entailed, but he hoped it would be nice.

[315-no-stage]

[20190827] TFG 「My dear Summer」Release Event Photo Session fan report

(Yeah, I know it’s been over two weeks since the event. LOL I’m not much of a timely blogger but if you want the blow-by-blow as it happens, my Twitter is the best bet. I tend to word vomit especially when I’m going through an anxiety episode... as you would see later on. I’m mostly doing this for memory keeping, for myself lmao. And for information too, if you’re interested, especially if you’re a fan living outside of Japan. Please keep in mind that my listening skills are stronger than my speaking skills. However, when put on the spot, under pressure, that goes all away ahaha. I can’t read Japanese apart from name kanji.)

I guess I should begin when I first heard about this event. It was around May 2019 when the TFG twitter announced that they are holding a two-shot cheki chance event to celebrate the release of their first single My dear Summer. At that time, I simply wanted to get my hands on the CD lol. We had dreams of going to Anisamano plans of going to Japan any time soon (since I only just came back from my Tokyo no Jin trip earlier that month). 

I had my brother help me out with buying the CDs (Google Translate can only do so much) when he actually encouraged me to try for the cheki. He said it’s a lottery system, as usual, and it won’t hurt to try since I’m buying stuff anyway. So I did. I bought both the First Press Limited Edition sets A and B using my boy Haruto Sakuraba’s link and didn’t really think much of it. They said they were going to announce winners on July 24. The event was the following month, August 27.

The ball started rolling after that. July was the 2.5D Actor Appreciation Month. #25DAAM on twitter.I featured Haruto and Mayu Yoshioka on mine. Then we somehow secured tickets to Anisama 2019. A small part of me was hoping... what if I hit for that cheki chance with Haruto. Anisama was happening the weekend of the cheki event after all. My brother was willing to either go to Japan early or stay late. Our schedule all depended on the cheki event results.

The day before results were to be released, I was a mess. It’s been a long time since I got a panic episode but something was in the water that day. Add to that, the results. The time difference threw me off and I was obsessively checking my email. My brother told me to give it a full 24 hours to account for the time difference. So what did I do? I distracted myself with Kenji Arita lmao. My brother and I had been fairly lucky with chuusen whether it be for tickets or fan events. The last time I attempted a lottery was for the Nelke Planning panel with Shiratorizawa at JF19. I didn’t hit for that because they only recognized actual JP addresses and my proxy wasn’t allowed. (But it was all good because the standby crowd got so large they allowed us to watch behind the ticket winners anyway haha.) I was praying that that won’t be the case here too.

When I woke up the next morning for work, I checked my email... and it was there.  I had my brother actually open the email and translate for me. We were looking for a "できません" but instead, it was a long email full of instructions and congratulations. I actually got picked! I read and re-read the email many times just to convince myself that I actually won. The email said that exact time and place of the event was to be announced only to winners in a separate email nearer the date. Cool cool. I felt so special LMAO.

I actually got the specifics about a week after the first email. The directions were weirdly specific... and helpful for someone like me who doesn’t know what to do with North-South-East-West directions; I work better with “Turn right when you see a Mini Stop across the street from a pachinko parlor” types AHAHAHA. Time frame was 5pm to 8-ish, then they specified that Haruto would have less than an hour to get through all the chekis with fans. They also said something about which forms of identification were required, which gifts/letters are accepted, even how the poses were chosen. 

But even with all that... I had no idea what to do. I tried lowkey Googling and stalking butai/idol social media for fan reports and... I couldn’t find anything that answers my questions (and quelled my anxiety over the matter haha). So I hope if you find yourself in the same situation later, AND IF YOU’RE AN OVERSEAS FAN, I hope this long ass post is going to be helpful to you. I’ve been to one other cheki event - with Hiroki Ino in Cosplay Mania 2018 in Manila - but that’s more straightforward than this one. 

(My slogan should be “Will travel for cheki” ahahaha.)

Now that you’ve read through all that, let’s fast forward to August 27. After a hearty lunch at DiveryCity Tokyo, I made my way to the venue using the EXACT directions they provided in the email. I got there at exactly 5PM. I get by okay by myself in Tokyo but my brother usually acts as translator for me, like a crutch. But like on my May trip, I was by my lonesome on this adventure. 

I see a couple of girls in skirts (I was in a skirt too and it was a good call because it was pretty much dress code lol) waiting by the lobby. The sign said B2F so I go down and see more dressed up girls, some even in a yukata. They started lining up so I do the same. I was trying to make myself look small because I was playing everything by ear. They started calling out everyone who hit for Kento so the line thinned a little bit. I got to the registration desk and the staffer who looked so much like Maki Kawase took my paper confirmation and ID. After looking through her sheet, Nobu’s, she politely corrected me that “Sakuraba-san isn’t until...” she said a time but in my flustered and frankly, embarrassed state, it took me a while to figure it out. She even referred to another staffer behind her for the correct time. I apologized and made my way out but then she pointed to a nearby bench, gesturing for me to stay there instead of going back up.

That was when I started panic tweeting HAHAHAHA. If you don’t want to read further, then please just click on this Twitter Thread instead. Thanks! But if you want Stephen King-level of detail, keep reading. XD

Watching those little kids do scales and random dances calmed me down. Miss Staff-san (let’s just call her that) kept tabs on me, glancing at me from time to time and whenever we’d meet eyes, she’d smile. That kept me grounded. Also, talking to my mutuals who were humoring me was a huge help. I managed to laugh and distract myself. When I started seeing a new batch of girls lining up with Haruto pin badges and an excess of purple on their person, I followed. When Miss Staff-san saw me up next, she gave me a huge smile and a thumbs up. I went up to register and.. my name was easiest to find since it was the only one in the Roman alphabet. I was number 50 in a list that I think went up to 75. 

We were herded into an honest to goodness dance practice studio. You know, with all the mirrors and low ceilings. Picture samples of the poses were on the wall, as done by Reo and Haruto. Pose A was your generic “double peace” sign. Pose B was doing an “Asian squat” and the photo was taken from above. Pose C would have you back-to-back with the member. Then there’s the special pose. Haruto teased that he was inspired by Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure. Hello, Pose C. Haruto Sakuraba is 6′2″ and I am a hobbit. Nope. Plus I’m very basic when it comes to poses. Ask Ino hahaha.

As the room filled, it drove home that I was the only foreigner there. Normally, it wouldn’t have mattered to me but at that moment, I was under a lot of pressure, my earlier faux pas still had me embarrassed, plus my severe lack of Japanese speaking skill was getting to me. I know, it’s all in my head; obviously I overcame it but if you have anxiety, you know how stressful that can be. I tried keeping myself small, trying to blend in. All the while, I kept seeing Miss Staff-san in my periphery and that calmed me down somewhat.

Then they lined us up according to the number on the ticket. I know what 50 is in Japanese so I just kept my ears open for that. I dropped off my fan letters before I could forget (Nobu got one too, handwritten in English but with a typed up translation sheet) then we were led to another, larger dance studio area. At the opposite end of the room were room dividers. They had My dear Summer on loop but I was so in my head that I didn’t even suffer from earworm. I just kept updating Twitter. More for personal sanity than anything ahahhaa.

Haruto took his time with fans. I noticed Reo’s line went by much faster. By the time he was almost done (his started a bit later than ours), I think Haruto’s only on his 20th fan. I calmed down enough to get my bearings back and I was glad to know that I wasn’t the only one losing her mind. The other girls were talking amongst themselves about the back-to-back pose and what they want to say to him. He seemed so friendly, if the laughter and chatting we were hearing from behind the dividers were any indication, and all of us wanted to make a good impression. Giiirl, I wasn’t even sure if the boy spoke a lick of English! XD

Then. It was my turn.

The staffer asked me which pose I want to do and being the boring person that I am, I chose A pose. Another staffer took my purse but all I saw was Haruto up close in his TFG get up.

Haruto: ありがとうございます Me: OMG Hi! 海外 fan  です!  *Haruto’s eyebrows disappear into his fringe. Staff takes pic* Haruto: Ah double peace. Er so... Me: I'm from California. Los Angeles. Haruto: Ah, California. So you don't speak Japanese? Me: A little bit. Your English is good.  Haruto: Aaah, not so much. I try. So when did you get to Japan? Me: Sunday? I'm here for Anisama and to see you! Haruto: Ah thank you so much. Staff: Next! ありがとうございました  *Haruto hands me the cheki. we bow at each other* Haruto: ありがとうございました. Bye-bye! Me: ありがとうございました.

I mean, the whole thing couldn’t have been more than 30 seconds but it felt so much longer. His final  ありがとうございました has a bit of emphasis as if trying to teach me. Oh you! I knew at least that much. 

Then was I was leaving the booth, I heard the staffers go, "Whoa... I didn't know you can do that!" And he was all "Ay-yah... hehe." GUYS. GUYSSSS!!!! I couldn’t stop smiling... from the moment I just had to the moment he just had to... ALL OF IT! And as I left the venue, Miss Staff-san was right there waiting for me at the door. When she was my delicately holding the cheki in my hand, she patted me on the shoulder and said  “ よくやった!” I never thanked anyone that profusely in my life. (Honestly, her kindness made me tear up.)

I have no flippin’ idea how I kept it together in there. It was a total Yuri On Ice moment where Yuuri just let everything go at that moment and let it all out on the ice when it mattered. I said pretty much everything I wanted to say which wasn’t much. All I wanted to do is to let him know that he has overseas fans. And to test how good his English skills are. 

And let me tell you, it was more than okay. There was absolutely no hesitation in his words. He kept eye contact and oh lawd, his SMILE up close? I don’t know how I’m still here telling you all this. Now every time I hear his voice, I hear it in English ahahaha. (I know he spoke Chinese at a radio show but I wasn’t able to catch that and they haven’t put up the archive at all. Pfft.)

What made me so happy was he ended up impressing not only me but the staff too!!! He even took control of the conversation. The staffers were like "What's going on?" smiling at him as we talked. I'm sofkng proud.

(I should mention that this is technically my 8th time seeing Haruto in person. I saw Tokyo no Jin seven times in May. I figured that would help me a bit with the stress but nope. Although, I cannot wait for everyone to see the TnJ BD and experience his take on Bokuto. You’ll understand this admiration all the more lmao.)

So there it is. If you’re still with me, thank you. I hope I didn’t come across as annoying. I was - am - just so excited that I was able to do this and I wanted to share my experience. Haruto is such a precious sweetheart. I wish him the best of everything.

[vitaevandal]

Illuminated

Genre: Fan Fiction (Divergent) Pairing: Eric x OFC Warnings: Adult themes Rating: Mature Disclaimer: This a strict work of fiction, I own nothing except the original characters and the plot line.

A/N: This is based on a request I received from @murmelinchen on my old blog @feminamortem that I can’t repost since I deleted it like a douche. The prompt was a one-shot of Eric and reader/OFC going on a moonlit walk. Here you go.

(I also apologize for not remembering who asked to be tagged in this besides @thihaf. Don’t let me do anything stupid like delete a blog again.)

Eric blindly paced back and forth through his living room, his fingers alternating between pinching the bridge of his nose and raking his usually impeccably styled hair into manic spikes. The relentless buzzing of the usual gathering of Dauntless in the Pit was pummeling his ears like a bass drum, making it impossible to think, so he’d fled to his apartment to clear his head, where the oppressive silence seemed to convolute his thoughts even further.

Typically on Thursdays she’d meet him at his apartment after her shift at one of Dauntless’s many tattoo parlors for their semi-weekly fuck; they were in mutual agreement that neither was looking for anything resembling a relationship, and the arrangement was uncomplicated and comfortable. They rarely wavered from this routine, and if one or the other couldn’t make it, they’d gotten to the point in their ‘liaison’ where they would at least do the other the courtesy of letting them know. So when she hadn’t shown up at the usual designated time without so much as a text, he knew something was amiss and headed straight for the parlor. Lucas, the one who handled piercings, was there alone, breaking down her station. His visage turned into one of dread as Eric, visibly upset, demanded, “Where is she?”

Lucas shrugged his shoulders, continuing when Eric’s glare intensified, “I really don’t know. She seemed kind of off all night, like real agitated, and when I asked her what was wrong she said she wasn’t feeling well. So I said I’d clean up here when we were done and as soon as she finished up her last client about an hour ago she practically bolted out of here. Maybe try the infirmary?”

Eric was surprised to find his annoyance had become tinged with worry. As he made the trek towards the infirmary, he became even more unsettled by the foreignness of such a feeling as concern for another person’s well-being. As he neared the hallway leading to the clinic he caught the sound of two voices speaking in hushed but frantic tones, one of which he recognized as hers, holding a conversation that was most likely not intended to be overheard. He halted abruptly before he rounded the corner and held back out of sight, holding his breath and listening intently.

“How could I have been so stupid?” She spoke lowly, but the alarm and anger in her voice was still evident. “Thinking it’s nothing but a touch of the flu. This honestly never even crossed my mind, not once. I thought we were being careful, I really did. But obviously not enough!” Eric chanced a peek around the corner and saw her slumped against the wall, one hand clutching a small paper bag, the other pressed against her forehead, before retreating back into the shadows. “I can’t even process this, Gina. What in the fuck am I going to do? Do I even tell him? How do you tell Eric of all people something like this?”

He heard the other girl exhale loudly and pause before replying, “Don’t panic. It won’t do you any good, what’s done is done. And maybe you don’t have to tell him, at least not yet.”

“Are you kidding me? This isn’t exactly something I’ll be able to hide! He’s going to find out eventually. And no matter how this plays out, he should know, he needs to take responsibility! I...Gina,” she whispered, as her voice began to break, “my entire life has literally just been ruined. This changes everything.”

Eric felt paralyzed as he attempted to digest this exchange. He was overwhelmed by a sudden feeling of suffocation, of being trapped inside a bubble where the oxygen was growing short in supply and his surroundings were muted and distorted. His brain moved in hitches and spurts as he pieced their mutterings together.

“...a touch of the flu…thought we were being careful…what’s done is done…has to take responsibility…”

She was pregnant. And it was his.

A cold sweat sprang up through his pores as this fact clicked into place, and Eric went into panic mode. He had to get out of there. He needed time to think before she confronted him, and he was in no way fit to feign ignorance for her.

So here he was, making a blind trek through the landscape of his apartment, replaying the illicit dialogue over and over in his mind, attempting to catalogue his many reactions. Eric did hail from Erudite, and his position as a leader was not entirely ill-gotten; so despite a rather conflagrant temper, the union of his natural intelligence and militaristic conditioning had produced an ability to maintain logic, composure, and clarity in the most disastrous situations. Without actual conscious, choreographed thought, his brain began to disentangle the threads of the situation with the detached yet swiftly calculating adroitness of a born strategist. He’d knocked her up. While he could cling desperately to the hope that it wasn’t his, he had little reason to doubt that it was, so he wasted no time in entertaining that romantic notion and instead simply accepted it as an unassailable fact. One that needed immediate damage control, the top priority of which was unquestionably self-preservation.

While they had never discussed such a hypothetical, he believed he knew her well enough by now to confidently predict that she would not have an abortion, and besides, he operated by the creed of, “Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.” His first concern: how would the berth of fatherhood affect his leadership position? There were no rules in place regarding marital or dependent status, so there was no immediate threat to his career per se, but the burden that having a family would place on his time would undoubtedly skyrocket his already considerable stress level. Eric prided himself on prevailing over adversity, so while this was not exactly a challenge he would have sought out, he had no fear of this thwarting his ambitions. But on the personal level? A family would end life as he knew it. He’d never had to be accountable to anyone, never been in a committed relationship so never had any qualms about sleeping around. Never anyone besides Number One to look out for, never anyone for Eric to take care of besides Eric. A family would mean a practical and emotional onus unprecedented for him, and the question wasn’t whether he could be ready for such a thing, because there was no question about it - this was happening, he had to be. The question was just how miserable the rest of his entire fucking life was going to be. And that’s when it hit him.

Or rather, didn’t hit him, because the waves of anger and petulance and despair he expected to flood him never came. There was no outrage over the end of his old life. There was apprehension, there was fear, but could that really just be how his ingrained personality was translating...excitement? Optimism? At what he realized he was beginning to see as the onset of his new life?

True to his nature, resoluteness took hold quickly as he vowed to, at the very least, give this whole thing a shot. He was, after all, brave; he was Dauntless.

***

“Take a walk with me.”

“A walk? Where?” A bemused expression crossed her features before turning to one of trepidation.

“Navy Pier. For once it’s not hot as fuck in August, I think we should get out.” Eric looked at her almost beseechingly, which only made her warier. While his proposition was, as always, a command rather than a request, the uncertain and hopeful expression that accompanied it was altogether alien for him.

She paused briefly as she considered the opportunity this might afford her. He seemed to be in a pleasant mood, which could lend her an advantage in this situation. This nighttime excursion out of the compound also lent them the privacy she hoped for when she broke the news. She quickly changed her countenance to one of eagerness.

“Alright. Ready whenever you are.”

It was a rare evening on which Eric was not burdened with any extraneous leadership duties, so they set off immediately without him having to clear his schedule with any of his fellow leaders or his own assistant. They exited the compound unbothered through the seldom-used maintenance doors at the east end, leading to a path too narrow to accommodate vehicles, therefore of little use to anyone coming or going from the premises, Dauntless or otherwise.

Eric was right; the typical late summer humidity was absent from the night air, and a gentle breeze whispered against their skin like silk. Eric felt his conviction oddly fortified by the balmy weather as they started side by side down the pathway, a restive electricity seeming to pass between them. The moon was full that evening, a coin of iridescent silver that illuminated the unobstructed trail before them but whose light stopped short at the trees on either side of them, creating an atmosphere that was intimate rather than grim. The walk to the pier was short, but he didn’t want to wait until they reached their destination to broach the subject of their relationship; he would be fooling himself if he said he was entirely undaunted by the prospect of voicing and therefore solidifying his new receptiveness to the idea of commitment, but knew that every second he waited was cowardice on his part. He cast a sidelong glance at her and took a deep breath.

“Look, I know we’ve called what’s between us casual these past few months, but I think we’ve lied to ourselves long enough, don’t you?”

She turned to him with a look of genuine shock over what he assumed was his defiance of her assumption that she was a temporary toy to him.

“What are you saying, Eric?”

He tentatively took her hand in his, his gaze on her this time remaining steady. “I’m saying, we both know there’s something more there. Something worth pursuing. I’m saying I want us to be exclusive. I want there to be a future for us.”

Now she seemed positively aghast. A silence hung between them as they reached the ferris wheel, and he pulled her toward the steel supports that formed a rudimentary ladder along its sides. The moonlight glinted softly off of the metal, but their surroundings were mostly dark, throwing the nearby lights of Erudite into a relief that looked almost like stars, blazing brightly before they extinguished for all time. “Come to the top with me. The view will be worth it.”

He didn’t see the whirlwind of emotions that flitted across her face as he guided her to begin the climb before him, too intent on ensuring he was prepared to catch her if she slipped. They reached the top car without incident and she was again caught off-guard by his tenderness as he delicately gripped her waist when she swung first one leg and then the other into the gently swaying car. As she sat down and waited for him to join her she shook her head almost imperceptibly, attempting to clear away the momentary fog that this new Eric was perpetuating. She silently pledged to remain unflinching in her confrontation.

Instead of sitting beside her he slid sideways to the edge of the car and remained standing, looking out contemplatively at the ruins of Chicago. Bathed in the incandescent lunar glow, its eeriness, in that moment, transformed into a melancholy beauty.

“I heard you talking to Gina after you left the infirmary. I know you’re pregnant,” he whispered. “I have a responsibility now, to you and our baby. I can’t promise I’ll be perfect, but I can promise that I’ll try. I think you want this as - “

She cut him short as she shrieked, “You what?”, causing him to start and turn to face her. Her features were twisted with what could only be described as unadulterated rage. “You brought me here to tell me that you accept that you fucked up by knocking me up, that you’ve resigned yourself to being a ‘family man,’ like you’re doing me some kind of fucking favor by staying with me? You ruined my life, Eric! No man will ever touch me again thanks to you. You don’t have a fucking clue what you did to me, do you? DO YOU?”

It happened so quickly, he didn’t even have time to scream. Her arms pistoned out and connected with his chest, and as he toppled over the edge of the swinging car, he could just make out the last words anyone would ever speak to him before he struck the pavement some 200 feet below.

“You gave me herpes, you asshole!”

***

She was numb as she clambered down the rungs of the ferris wheel, only sentient enough to wonder if her volatile emotional state that persisted throughout the day had just caused her to hallucinate what she’d just done. She then caught sight of Eric’s inert form, his limbs bent at impossible angles, a growing pool of blood matting his flawless hair. She drifted over to it, noting his grotesquely misshapen skull, but nonetheless crouched next to him and searched for a pulse. Feeling only stillness beneath her own clammy fingertips, she breathed a sigh of relief and her lips curved into a grim smile. It stayed upon her face until she reached the maintenance door they had exited from earlier unnoticed.

Those damn factionless, she would utter later that night to Gina as the whole of Dauntless raised their glasses in tribute to their fallen leader. Eric should’ve known it wasn’t safe to go wandering out into the city alone at night. Arrogant bastard.

[63824peace]

Friday, 25th of november 2005

Female detective Sunny Randall is the heroine of Robert B. Parker's latest novel, Melancholy Baby. During the course of the story, she consults the lovely psychiatrist Susan Silverman. Silverman has also appeared in Parker's series of Spenser novels.

Sunny learns that her ex-husband lately re-married, and the knowledge instills her with a suffering sense of loss. She has a dream one night, and she asks Silverman about the dream's meaning.

"What are our dreams?" Sunny asks. "Do they reveal our desires?"

The psychiatrist answers her without digging deeply into Freudian dream analysis. "Sometimes dreams exaggerate the circumstances of the dreamer's waking life."

I cried out from another nightmare this morning. I felt emotions and stresses like those felt during the dream that I recounted in my October 2 blog.

I always forget good dreams, but I remember all my nightmares.

I don't know whether the dream's circumstances were good or bad... but I was about to accept a tremendously prestigious award. Imagine some combination of the Emmy Awards, the Grammy Awards, and the Academy Awards. Multiple entertainment media qualified-movies, music, and games could all compete equally.

The ceremony would start soon. I needed to head over to the ceremonial hall, or else I would arrive late. I didn't understand why, but I was still fixing an anime clip that I had planned to show at the ceremony.

I don't know why it was specifically anime. I only knew that I needed to edit a segment from the footage --- no, I needed to edit several scenes! The presentation had screwed up somehow.

I hastily tried to correct each scene, but my anime support staff was slow. They were positively inflexible. The corrections shouldn't have taken long, but my staff worked at a snail's pace. We could have edited everything digitally, but everyone insisted that we shoot from animation cells. They couldn't understand the concept of digital editing -- and all of the studio's technology was over ten years old.

Nevertheless, we somehow finished the corrections. I ran to the ceremony hall.

I couldn't find my outfit when I arrived at the dressing room. I asked someone where to find it, but he explained that he couldn't open the suitcase that held my costume. He didn't have the key!

I noticed the gigantic suitcase in the corner. It looked large enough to have held a few corpses.

"Why is it in the suitcase?" I asked. "Who has the key?"

"Well," said the fellow, "The guy with the key left for the airport."

"What?! The airport!?"

I couldn't go onstage in casual clothes. The event had a dress code. Everyone had to dress formally for the live broadcast, even the camera crew.

"Hey, come on! You're up!"

A man opened the dressing room door. I could only see his upper body. He pressured me to come onstage. He had a foreigner's face, but he spoke perfect Japanese.

"All right, we're running out of options," he said. "Put on anything, just hurry!" Strangers surrounded me. They dressed me in a costume covered with patches.

Someone pushed me from behind, and I appeared on-stage beneath dazzling lights. I could still see the faces beyond them though.

The audience stirred. They seemed surprised to see that I had dressed like a street performer, or a vaudeville comedian. The MC froze on the spot.

A musician was supposed to have handed me the trophy... he looked like Mick Jagger. He whispered into my ear, "What the hell kind of costume is this? Is this some kind of joke?!"

He slandered me with words that sounded as though they had been translated, and then he laughed out loud. The ceremony hall's audience erupted into a storm of booing.

They threw all sorts of things at the stage. Something hit my head…

And I suddenly awoke.

It hadn't been a frightening dream, but it was definitely unpleasant. I've had these types of dreams before... dreams wherein I lose or forget something, or I can't proceed according to plans, or all my teeth fall out.

"What sort of dream is this?" How would Parker's Susan Silverman respond? Was this merely a menagerie of "exaggerated forms of circumstances from the dreamer's waking life?"

I ate a combo plate for lunch at Del Sol, followed by a double Macchiato. I looked into my coffee cup and saw the shape of a heart. I stirred the surface to erase it. I don't need any more hearts... hearts are troublesome.

I'd rather fill myself with something more substantial -- something more stable.

We left the restaurant and headed back to the office. On our way, Kenichiro found a provisional booth selling lottery tickets. Was this fortune?

"What's up?" I said.

"I thought that I'd like to buy some lottery tickets."

I hadn't seen one of those booths until yesterday, and then I remembered. They start selling End-of-the-Year Jumbo Lottery tickets today.

"Do they usually sell winning tickets here?"

"Well, I wouldn't know. I'm generally lucky at the lottery."

I looked more closely at the booth. The sign above it read, "Sister shop to Yuurakucho Daikokuten, seller of many big winning tickets!"

"Ha! Looks like it's the sister of the real winning booth."

"Well, that's hardly persuasive, is it?" said Kenichiro.

"We'd better get tickets from the real seller instead of its sister."

"I don't even need to buy them. I'm just that lucky with lotteries." Kenichiro recounted his many lottery victories as he walked away from the booth.

I've never won the lottery -- and what's more, I usually lose games like rock-paper-scissors. I never draw a winning raffle ticket, and I've never won a game of Bingo. Consequently, I don't expect gold to rain upon me. I never gamble or take huge risks... I'm better suited for work that requires steady, serious pacing.

Kenichiro, on the other hand, seems to have good luck.

I've theorized that everyone has received an equal distribution of luck, and each person's luck has a limit. You'll run out of luck if you squander it on lotteries and gambling. We're not like Fortune from MGS2. We won't have luck stored for important things like work if we use it excessively.

If I win the lottery, then I've spent that piece of luck. I try not to use my luck frivolously since I want to save it for my games.

Kenichiro boasted that he always wins back what he spends on lotteries, even though he's never won the big prizes. I said, "Don't you think that's why you've never made a hit game?"

"What are you talking about? I've already done that."

"For example?"

"You know… that game!"

"Oh, that," I conceded. "That was definitely luck."

"I'm lucky with women."

"Same here."

Neither one of us could laugh at that.

I've looked for Masaki Yamada's book Magic Opera since yesterday. It's printed by the Hayakawa Publishing Corporation. I finally chanced upon the set of books today at the Aoyama Book Center.

Mr. Noriyoshi Ohrai made the cover, of course. His composition and layout are fascinating as always!

Magic Opera is the second book in a trilogy. I started with the first book, Mystery Opera, which I had bought back in August. I've just read Magic Opera's first sixty pages, and the story has already captivated me. It looks interesting.

Mr. Masaki Yamada's most notorious recent work is Kamigari-2. Russian Roulette isn't as popular, but I still found it outstanding and interesting. The Opera Trilogy is his newest saga; it's part of the Kiichiro Midashi series that started after the Kami Trilogy. I'm looking forward to its narrative development.

I learned that he'll title the third book Final Opera.

Mr. Masaki Yamada contributed an article for the limited release of MGS: The Twin Snakes on the Gamecube. He always responds whenever I mail him my impressions of his books. He is such a remarkable, intellectual man.

I first discovered Mr. Yamada's writing when I read his novel Agni-wo-nusume. I was either a junior high or high school student back then. Agni-wo-nusume was an adventure novel. Some salary-men had been deceived, and then they received company orders to infiltrate a Himalayan fortress. They risked their lives at the fortress, fighting against the CIA and the special assault team.

I have read so many books published by Hayakawa Publishing Corporation. I might say that they practically raised me. They have really bustled for their sixtieth anniversary. Since the beginning of the year, they've released a variety of reproductions and reissued books.

This month they distributed a short story collection by one of their more unusual authors. They've only done this once before. Hayakawa Publishing Corporation's line-up included Theodore Sturgeon's collection titled One-Horned Beast, Many-Horned Beast. They also featured my much-loved Richard Matheson's collection, 13 Shocks.

They've reissued the books in the B6 standardized publishing format, so we can carry the books around more easily. We can also read the larger print more easily. So many interesting books remain in this world... I'd like to see the good, older book reprinted more often.

I bought the mook-book for the film that I saw yesterday, Always: San-cho-me-no-yuuhi. Nippon TV published it, and they included a pair of red and blue 3D glasses in the back. Solid Eye ought to recall memories of the Shōwa Era now!

Later in the day, Tojin the sound director burst into my work booth. "Director! Can you spare a moment?"

I looked up at him. "What is it? Another problem?"

Tojin wore a huge smile. "I registered my marriage on November 22! That's the day of Ii and Fuufu!" Ii and Fuufu are the old-style Japanese numbers. They have double meanings: Ii means "good," and Fuufu means "married couple."

His face didn't betray any self-consciousness or embarrassment. I could sense the willful pride of man who has taken a wife.

Well then... Ii Fuufu, eh? A good married couple?

Tojin's romance was dramatic from the start. He and his new wife met on top of Mount Fuji, at the eighth and highest checkpoint. She had loved Mount Fuji so much that she chose to live and work in the hut at the top for the summer.

Tojin would climb Mount Fuji just to see her. In other words, Tojin had climbed the whole mountain again every time they shared each other's company. I wonder how many times he climbed Mount Fuji that summer.

One day he realized that he had become an expert at climbing Mount Fuji. He hadn't even paid attention to his growing prowess! He has organized every summer trip up the mountain for the sound team because of his experience. Unfortunately, I had to miss it two years in a row.

I'll never forget the time when he proposed to her.

We had met with some creative staff members from outside the company. Right in front of our guests, Tojin whispered an apology into my ear. "I'm so sorry, but I need to go to the panoramic viewing platform at the Hills. I need to propose to my girlfriend. May I leave now?"

"You're making her wait?" I said. "As cold as it is tonight?"

"Yes, well... I thought about staying here until the end, but...." He was obviously worried about the time.

"You go on," I said. "It's better on the rooftop lookout point, by the way. They've got a heliport up there, and it's much less crowded. It costs five hundred yen to enter."

"Got it."

Everything was so serious that I couldn't keep it to myself. I explained the situation to our guests.

Tojin's spirit and determination had moved them too.

"Hurry on up there!" we yelled, bidding Tojin farewell. It seems as though it happened only yesterday.

It turned out that the rooftop had already closed, but I don't think we need to guess her answer. He's said everything by informing me about Ii Fuufu.

Congratulations, Tojin!

Today I led the MGS4 project meeting in the glass room. Only three of us attended -- Murashu, Rettsu, and myself.

Between the meetings I autographed the placards to send with the Subsistence gifts. These are totally different from signing the MGA2 cards. I have so many presents to send, it's no joke!

I just handled the cards for the Japanese version today. I had only taken care of one-third of the total. It was still some hard work though. Whew!

We received the sample Ghillie suit that we had ordered. We bought it in case we're unable to make one during training.

Toyopy tried it on. He looked like the monster Waiaaru Seijin from Ultraman.

In the evening, I had a small dinner party with Ms. Yamanaka and Ms. Miyamoto, KojiPro's assistants. I occasionally throw them a small party to express my thanks for all their support.

We're able to make good products thanks to them. If game-makers need to present an ordered list of people who deserve thanks, their staff and fellow workers come first, then everyone's families, and then the office assistants. Game-makers ought to recognize themselves last.

Kenichiro is Ms. Miyamoto's supervisor. We four went to a sushi bar in the Roppongi area. I drank a white wine called Sushi Wine, and I got pretty tanked.

I had a couple of sidecars in my Nishi Azabu hideout after that. The Kansai bartender doesn't seem to work there anymore.

I was in a mellow mood, so I turned my thoughts to last night's dream. I felt as though I were forgetting something about it... but I just couldn't remember what. I didn't get anyone's help explaining last night's dream -- no Susan Silverman for me. I decided just to find an answer myself.

If the costume had disappeared, then I should have just bought a new one. I think I got the hint that my dream had left me... "Get a new leather jacket this winter!"

I'll sleep well if I can keep thinking like this.

[tadakixd-blog]

Hey Shu-chaun, I know of this book, and I also think I know of the translation you are referring to XD Unfortunately I don’t have a copy of the book (yet) so any translations I do of it won’t be any time soon.

But well there is like a 95% chance this book will find its way into my hands in like. 2 weeks time. So. Leave me your contact and you just might get some translations here and there XD (give or take a couple of months ^^;)

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

We’ll Carry On - Chapter Thirty Nine

We’ll Carry On Tag

General Content Warnings: Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Substance Abuse, Abandonment, Minor Character Death, Transphobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociation, Bullying, Homophobia

August 4th, 2019

Dee was terrified, and he couldn’t say a thing. He had gotten out of bed to ask Dad or Ami if he could have a glass of water, because he couldn’t sleep, but when he got to the master bedroom’s door, he heard hissed arguments.

He shouldn’t have stayed to listen. It was impolite to eavesdrop. But Dee was curious, so he stood to the side of the door and strained his ears to catch the words.

“I don’t care what she says, Remy, I’m not letting her see Dee again!”

“Emile, I know you’re mad, but we finally found her, and even if we press charges, shouldn’t Dee have a proper goodbye?”

“No! She had that opportunity and she abused it! I’m not letting Dee see his mother one last time before she gets arrested!”

Dee’s eyes widened and he nearly dropped Fangs. He scurried back to his room, curling up on his bed. What...? Dad and Ami had found Mama? And they didn’t tell him? Did they not trust him to not run back to her? Or were they just worried about what she might say to him?

...If they didn’t tell him this, what else didn’t they tell him?

December 10th, 2019

Dee signed to Lucy, who was watching him from the monkey bars. She laughed and dropped to the ground when she lost her grip from laughing too hard at one of Dee’s jokes. He grinned, and she walked over to him, pouting. “Come on, Dee, I was about to get all the way across!”

Shrugging, he continued to grin. “It was a funny joke! I didn’t want to forget it!” he signed in his defense.

Lucy shook her head with a grin. “Whatever, I can always try again,” she said.

As she made her way back to the ladder that lead up to the monkey bars, James shoved her. “Outta my way!” he snapped. He ran up to Dee and jumped to a stop in front of him, causing Dee to flinch. “I know you can hear, freak, so why don’t you talk?”

Dee crossed his arms and glared at James. He had been picking on Dee at recess whenever he could since the beginning of the year. But Dee didn’t intend on even giving him the time of day. James was a jerk, and Dee hated jerks. Instead, he walked around James and over to Lucy, signing, “Are you okay?”

She brushed woodchips off her hands and jeans and nodded. “I’m fine, just a little startled.”

Dee nodded. James stalked over and shoved him. “Hey, freak, I asked you a question!”

“He’s not a freak!” Lucy exclaimed. “He’s selectively mute!”

“What would you know?” James sneered.

“More than you!” Lucy growled. “Dee’s my best friend! Of course I know more about him than you!”

“Whatever,” James sneered. “I don’t wanna talk to anyone who’s friends with the freak!”

Dee glared and signed, “I don’t wanna talk to you either.”

James frowned, and Dee grinned. James didn’t know sign language, he couldn’t understand what Dee was saying. “What did he say?”

Lucy smiled sweetly. “I thought you didn’t want to talk to me or Dee?”

“Tell me what he said!” James demanded.

“No!” Lucy said, crossing her arms.

James balled his hands into fists and brought one back behind his head. Dee’s eyes widened and he pushed Lucy out of the way before she could get hit, and he got punched instead. His lip throbbed, and he spat out one of his teeth into the palm of his hand. “I’ve been waiting for that one to go for a while,” he muttered. “Lucy, look!”

Lucy stared at him in shock. “Dee, he knocked your teeth out!”

Dee shrugged, sticking the tooth in his coat pocket and zipping the pocket up. “Yeah, but it was loose anyway,” he signed.

Lucy stood up, staring at him, which Dee was sure must have been a sight, blood dribbling down his chin and one of his front teeth missing. Then, she turned, cheeks bright red, to James. She cussed him out, before taking a swing herself. Dee’s eyes widened and he wrapped his arms around her waist, trying to pull her away from James. Unfortunately, some of James’ friends saw the commotion, and came over. It was three against two, and Dee was looking around for a teacher, but all he saw were kids rushing over, chanting “Fight! Fight! Fight!” like a war cry.

Dee tried to hold Lucy back, but she broke free and lunged at James again, only to have one of his friends kick her and shove her to the ground. Dee turned red and screeched his displeasure, rushing over and taking a swing at the boy. He kept his thumb over his bottom knuckles like Logan taught him, and the boy’s head snapped to the side upon impact. He toppled to the ground. Dee turned to James’ other friend, who quickly backed away into the crowd of kids.

When he turned to James, he was kicked in the shins. Dee hissed like a snake, baring his teeth, and James backed up in surprise. “Break it up!” one of the teachers yelled, running over. She grabbed Dee by the shoulder and put a hand on James’ chest. “That’s enough! All four of you, to the principal’s office! Now!”

Dee huffed, helping Lucy to her feet and letting the teacher lead him to the principal’s office, head held high. James glared at him from the other side of the teacher, and his friend tried to lunge for Dee in revenge, only to have the teacher grab him and say, “Really, Troy?”

“He hit me first!” James exclaimed.

“No I didn’t!” Dee signed. “He tried to hit Lucy!”

“I don’t care who hit who first,” the teacher growled. “All of you will be talking to the principal.”

“James knocked one of Dee’s teeth out!” Lucy exclaimed. “Are you gonna let him get away with that?!”

The teacher sighed and wrangled all four of them into the office, before knocking on the principal’s door. James used the distraction to suckerpunch Dee in the stomach. The air left his mouth in a whoosh and he couldn’t get it back. He gaped like a fish out of water, gasping for breath.

“James!” the teacher admonished, offering Dee a hand as she also pushed James away from Dee. “That’s enough!”

Dee climbed to his feet by himself and tried to breathe again, forcing air through his nose and out his mouth. He felt like retching, but he wouldn’t give James the satisfaction. When the principal opened the door and took a look at all of them, he sighed. “Of course,” he said, like they got called into the office all the time. “Come in, you four. Thank you, Misses Smith.”

The teacher left and the four kids walked into the principal’s office. “Your brother was in here near the end of last year in a similar situation, Deagan,” Mister Gardener said. “I suppose you’re going to say that the fight which clearly occurred wasn’t your fault?”

“It wasn’t his fault!” Lucy exclaimed. “James called him a freak! James took the first swing! Dee did nothing wrong!”

“Miss Blye, let Deagan speak for himself,” Mister Gardener said.

“It wasn’t my fault,” Dee insisted. “And don’t call me Deagan, please.”

“Deagan, use your words, not your hands,” the principal said, with that infuriatingly patronizing voice setting Dee’s teeth on edge.

“He hit me first!” James exclaimed. “Lucy’s lying, and Deagan has problems with his anger all the time!”

Dee rolled his eyes and scoffed. “I’m not an idiot,” he signed at James. “Not like you, at any rate.”

“James, that’s enough. Deagan, use your words. We all want to know what you have to say.”

Dee gave him a withering glare and crossed his arms, but Mister Gardener would not be moved. “I’m autistic, not a moron,” he informed Mister Gardener, trying to put venom in his voice. “James doesn’t agree with me. He calls me a freak and makes fun of me for signing. I was signing to Lucy, and to him, and Lucy refused to translate for him, because he was being mean to both of us. So he tried to hit her. I pushed her out of the way, he knocked out one of my teeth,” Dee pulled down his lower lip to point at the gap between his teeth, “And I punched him back. Sure, I shouldn’t have done that, but he started it by calling me a freak.”

Mister Gardener pinched the bridge of his nose. “And Troy?”

“Kicked Lucy in the stomach. So I slugged him,” Dee said with a shrug and a shameless grin. “You seem surprised, Mister Gardener. I don’t know why you are. You’re the one who tried to insist I go to the school for the ‘emotionally disturbed’ kids because there I could get ‘accommodations’ and you wouldn’t have to deal with me.”

Lucy blinked. “You speak really well, Dee.”

“I really don’t,” Dee said, turning to her. “I don’t know tone, and I can’t use it right. My vocabulary’s good, but nothing else is.”

Lucy shrugged. “I hope they don’t take away your translator,” she said simply. “Sorry for dragging you into this.”

Dee shrugged. “I’m just glad you didn’t get hit as much,” he signed sincerely.

“I will be informing your parents of your behavior, of course,” Mister Gardener said, picking up the phone. “I don’t doubt what you said is true, because Deagan is certainly not able to lie that well,” oh, if only he knew the irony of that statement, “But you’re all in trouble for fighting, instead of using your words.”

Lucy held her head high and James and Troy protested, but Dee’s blood ran cold. What were Dad and Ami going to think of him now? Would they think he was a bad person? After all, he didn’t hit back in self-defence, he hit because he was angry. Would they want to get rid of him, like Mama did? Would they send him back to Mama? He didn’t know. And that terrified him.

Slowly, everyone’s parents came to pick their kids up, and everyone was given two days suspension for their actions. Dee’s translator came in once recess would have been over, and she talked with Lucy’s parents to help Mister Gardener. But Dad and Ami didn’t show up for a while.

When Troy had just been picked up, Dee was waiting with his stuff in the office and Dad rushed in. “Dee?! I’m so sorry, I was with a patient and I couldn’t leave, and Ami got tied up at the coffee shop. Are you okay?”

Dee nodded, pulling his tooth out of his pocket. “I lost a tooth,” he said.

Dad frowned, confused. “Okay? Why did the principal call?”

“Probably because James is the one who punched me hard enough to knock it out,” Dee said with a shrug. “I’m suspended for two days for hitting him and Troy back.”

Dad shook his head. “You hit back?” he asked.

“James was aiming for Lucy. I got in the way,” Dee said. “Do you think the tooth fairy will still take a tooth if it’s bloody?”

“I don’t think she’ll be picky,” Dad said with a laugh. “Do I need to talk to the principal?”

Dee nodded. “And then can we go home?”

“Yeah.” Dad squeezed Dee’s shoulder. “I’m proud of you for sticking up for your best friend.”

Dee let Dad go into the principal’s office, and when he came back out, he led Dee to the van. Dee played with the zipper on his jacket. “Dad, you’re not gonna send me away, right?” he signed.

“Of course not. Why would you ask?” Dad responded without missing a beat.

“I was a bad person,” Dee signed. “I know that you found Mama. I know you didn’t let me see her because you thought she was a bad person. I thought you just...didn’t want bad people in your life.”

Dad stared at him, before crouching down to his level. “Dee, I didn’t let you see your mom when we found her because I was worried she would hurt you more. Not because she was a bad person. I didn’t want you to see her once, and then never again, and be retraumatized. You’re not a bad person for defending your friend, either. You were trying to make sure that the bullies didn’t come after you again. I’m proud of you for that.”

Dee took a breath. “The principal forced me to talk,” he signed. “I hated it.”

Dad winced. “I’m really sorry, Dee. You know we’d never do that to you, though, right? We’d never force you to do anything you’re not comfortable with, and we wouldn’t kick you out over anything.”

Dee stared. “Why?” he asked.

“Because you’re family, Dee,” Emile said. “No matter whether or not you ‘fit in,’ you’re part of our family, and we take care of our own, no matter what.”

Dee blinked. He knew that Dad and Ami loved him, on some abstract level, but he didn’t realize that he was part of the family, no matter if he fit in with the others or not. He saw the family as Dad, Ami, his brothers, and then him, like an afterthought. But he wasn’t an afterthought. Not to Dad, not to Ami. He smiled. He was family. And that meant he fit in well enough, just being himself.

Dad smiled back. “Ready to go home?”

Dee nodded. Home. With family. He didn’t realize how much he wanted that until he realized that he had it all along.