#in all seriousness i don’t know who decided to romanticize addiction but they need to touch grass

[by-hags]

not enough people talk about the “i’m not expecting to live until 20” to “i really want to take care of myself and live as long as possible” pipeline and i really wish people romanticized it more

[angelvibezluv]

Thoughts on planets in the 12th house

Sun in 12th Looking at the world from a distance. You enjoy solitude. Away from society and within your imagination. You can see the bigger picture. You act upon your dreams to turn them into a reality. But at times you procrastinate as you tend to dream the whole day away. As you catch yourself drifting off too far, you find that you have to ground yourself back into this reality. Back into society. You may feel as if others have forgotten who you are or as if they don’t even know who you are. You feel alienated. Maybe you can’t, but everyone can see that you come up with the best creative ideas. You are a true artist. You are compromising and you accept those you feel for. Those who are alone and have no place to go. But you can have a hard time seeing things for what they are. Or you just don’t want to accept things for what they are. You may try to convince and lie to yourself often. Try not to hide yourself too much. You deserve to be seen.

・゜. ✭・. .・✫・. ゜. ・。.

Moon in 12th Your dreams are everything to you. Similar to Sun in 12th you like to disappear and spend time alone. You may like to sleep the day away because you rather be in that world. A world that isn’t like this one. A world where everything you desire comes true when you close your eyes. Though your internal realm manifests in the physical way faster than the rest. You are a daydreamer. You may feel as if you’re already living within your fantasy. A place where you feel most comfortable. You may have many dreams of your past experiences. They seem familiar. Like you’ve already lived through them before. You feel extremely connected to them. Unrealistic but intuitive. You may feel as if you have a hidden psychic ability. You are sensitive to energies so you must be careful with those you surround yourself with. Remember to protect your own energy.

・゜. ✭・. .・✫・. ゜. ・。.

Mercury in 12th You like to communicate your thoughts through art. Writing and drawing. You speak slow. Almost as if you’re pondering on your thoughts as you speak. Trying to think of the wisest thing to say. You take your time. You give great advice because you think of what’s best for everyone. Keeping in mind that others have their own thoughts and feelings as well. Though at times you may have clouded judgement. Finding it hard to think clearly. The emotions and feelings of others influence your own thoughts. You can confuse yourself easily. Losing your train of thought. Thinking of one thing and forgetting it soon after. “I feel like...” is something you say a lot. Going on and and until you decide not to share your thoughts longer. Keeping them a secret.

・゜. ✭・. .・✫・. ゜. ・。.

Venus in 12th You are the romanticizer. You have many romantic fantasies. Dreaming of the perfect significant other. You long for this love to come true. Dissvoling the boundaries of this physical realm. You feel deeply connected to those you value in your life. Staring them deep into their eyes as you create an unspoken connection. A spiritual connection. You are naturally gifted with creative skills. Feeling pleasure when creating art and diving into your imagination. You attract a lot of secret admirers. You seem to be out of reach so they watch you from the shadows. Becareful with showing compassion to everyone you meet. Your way of self care is isolating yourself from there rest of the world to self reflect. Though it can get lonely, especially when it comes to relationships. But once you do find yourself a love interest you keep them a secret. You don’t feel the need to show them off to the world.

・゜. ✭・. .・✫・. ゜. ・。.

Mars in 12th You attack your dreams with force and passion. You are full of vitality but you can be unaware this. You are restless as your passion knows no bounds. You want to do as much as possible. But you tend to drain yourself out easily. Finding yourself needing excessive amounts of rest. You have a this sex appeal that you may be unaware of. Fierce, confident and dominating. But you can be impatient, and forceful. You may try to avoid conflict but you are braver and stronger than you think. So protective, finding yourself defending others without a thought. But you mustn’t let these energies to control you. Your impulsive decisions can get you into a lot of trouble. A lot of sexual fantasies and scenarios happen in that head of yours. You may have a lot of hidden enemies lurking in the shadows. Those looking for an argument. It’s seems like they want to challenge you and poke at your weak spots.

・゜. ✭・. .・✫・. ゜. ・。.

Jupiter in 12th You are highly spiritual or extremely religious. Interested in connecting with with whatever you believe in. You are attracted towards esoteric and taboo things. Tarot cards, astrology, and maybe even witchcraft. You want to learn and experience it all. Your private space may be filled with incense, candles and crystals. You are so wise and some may even call you physic. Collecting information from your dreams and adding your own meanings and reasonings. Your empathy is out of this world and you have so much to give. You may enjoy charity work and giving back to others. Though you rather remain anonymous for these selfless acts for kindness. At times you can get lost in your own world. As you tend to overdue it. You love to travel to wherever your mind takes you.

・゜. ✭・. .・✫・. ゜. ・。.

Saturn in 12th You may have felt like you missed out on the unicorns and rainbows in the earlier years of your life. As if your innocence was taken away. Growing up you felt as if you were more mature than the rest. As if you were extremely aware for your own age. You may have been restricted from anything that had to do with spirituality. Not being allowed participate in occult like things. You take your dreams seriously and you work hard to achieve them. Though there can be delays and road blocks. Although things may not always go your way you are highly creative. Never doubt yourself. Eventually all your hard work will pay off and your dreams will come true. You are so imaginative, and always working on your creative skills. You will be able to benefit greatly from your skills one day. You might even profit off them.. ✨

・゜. ✭・. .・✫・. ゜. ・。.

Uranus in 12th You have the wildest and craziest dreams. They’re always a good story to tell. They can be confusing and chaotic. Your ideas tend to be misunderstood by others. Ideas that only makes sense to you. At times you may feel as if you have this psychic ability to see the future. Having many prophetic dreams. You are insightful and your intuition is heightened. Your imagination is out of the ordinary. Out of this world. Very different from the rest. You may have been called weird, but soon enough you became an inspiration. Others followed in your foot steps. Admiring your creativity, wishing they could be as skilled as you. You are extremely influential. You’re always one step ahead. Living an unconventional life as a traveller, artist or writer. Living in your own realm of reality, as if you’re not even here.

・゜. ✭・. .・✫・. ゜. ・。.

Neptune in 12th You seem to be living in this.. eternal dream state. You are incredibly intuitive and sensitive to the energies around you. You can always feel when something is off. Your dreams may be foggy and you can forget them quickly so writing them down in a dream journal can be extremely beneficial. You may not find interest in daily routines. Your mind wonders off quite often. Way too often. Constantly zoning out and finding it difficult to stay focused. Grounding yourself will be extremely important. As well as finding creative outlets to channel your imagination and to keep yourself busy.

・゜. ✭・. .・✫・. ゜. ・。.

Pluto in 12th You feel you must dig into your own darkness so that you can come out strong enough to help others. You give others this sense of power that intimidates them. You can sense their energies. Especially negative ones. You go through many transformations on your own. Once you come out of hiding everyone will notice your dramatic changes. Though you can be prone to addictions as you may find it hard to deal this darkness. You may be afraid of it. The power and intensity within you. So you conceal them. You may have many dark thoughts and scary dreams. You’re always staring into the abyss.

・゜. ✭・. .・✫・. ゜. ・。.

𐐪𐑂 love, angel 𐐪𐑂

[kamuisthoughts]

The Actual Rant:

I’m going to begin by saying that I think the ABO dynamic is interesting.

That being said I’ve noticed some recurring and very disturbing themes that are attached to this type of AU, regardless of what fandom you’re reading in. It makes sense to me that a universe where people have secondary genders and are more susceptible to animalistic instincts would have different types of societal issues. This being the disturbing themes I mentioned. The disregard of rape, the gender oppression, the objectification of certain genders, and various forms of dysphoria.

Obviously these themes are extremely dark and unsettling, but what’s worse is how the people that take it upon themselves to write about these things romanticize these horrific issues. Using them as a tool to build a parallel world that would cause the reader to think or reflect on our own society is one thing. That’s what I would like to read. But instead I come across these ABO AUs and find authors downplaying these abominable problems, making it seem as if it’s okay to have these sorts of things happening.

If you tell me beforehand what you intend to do okay, I can just avoid that.

But anyway there’s a difference between building a world with dark elements like these and presenting it as something that is truly disgraceful, but many people in the world do not care or fear fighting against it, and creating a world where it’s obvious that the writer is fetishizing these elements. You can completely change the tone of something depending on how issues are presented, how the characters react to their circumstances.

I hate to see rape happen in a story. I honestly feel it’s the most unforgivable, egregious thing you could do to a person beside murdering them. It’s a form of torture, and I honestly believe this, so it turns my stomach to see people writing stories where characters go through this awful thing, sometimes repeatedly and it’s not accurately addressed. There’s rarely lasting trauma if any. They just kind of take it, they don’t fight, they might even accept it just because the character doing it to them is objectively attractive and that is nauseating to me.

I also hate to see kidnappings and forced marriages in this type of AU, where the author tells you the main character is a “BAMF” or “Strong” individual but this is never actually displayed. Not mentally which I often respect to see in characters and not even hinted at physically either. They’ll maybe have a sassy mouth but still won’t really do anything when their abuser is hurting them. And this is usually moot since the main character oftentimes just simpers for their alpha abuser in the end. They’ll either be too scared to continue to mouth off or be too enamored by the alpha’s physical appearance and scent.

I also noticed Stockholm Syndrome is really common in these stories as well, (should the author actually deign to touch upon the immense trauma rape would cause a person), despite how rare this condition is in reality. This I find maddening. Now, I understand sometimes reality is so painful that someone needs to escape it through delusion so that they can function somewhat coherently. But the fact that there are so many stories where a character is kidnapped, ripped from their life, forced to mate with someone who doesn’t respect them as a fellow human being, raped, forcefully impregnated, and then somehow still falls in love with their abuser is utterly repulsive.

And the thing that really upsets me is the fact that I deliberately exclude tags in my search that denote rape/non-con, underaged, and major character death yet still I come across stories where these things are mentioned. Are happening. They’ll be in the story but not in a story’s tags and just glossed over. I’m not sure if this is deliberate or if some of the writers just don’t understand the magnitude of the themes they’re pushing but regardless I find this unacceptable.

If someone says no and you stick your penis inside of them anyway, that is rape. If you lull them into a false sense of security due to pheromones after they’ve said no and have sex with them, that is rape. If they give up fighting because they know it’s hopeless it’s still rape. I don’t care how physically desirable you are, or how good you smell, or if you feel it’s your “right” to take the other person because you managed to pin them down and you’re stronger. They said no, and even if they didn’t say “no” they didn't say yes .

If someone didn’t say they accepted your advances, that is not dubious consent. That. Is. Rape . And women can be rapists too. Let’s stop pretending that’s not a thing and that it’s not just as bad no matter what gender the attacker is. Can we not try to sugarcoat the horrible things people are writing about and call it “dubious” so people can feel better about romanticizing sexual abuse and getting off on it? Because even if you don’t call a spade a spade it’s still a damn spade.

Now let’s talk about fetishes. I hate when male characters are forcefully feminized when they don’t want to be. Like seriously, a male omega in this type of ABO story could literally say, “I’m a man, don’t call me a wife or a mother” and the other characters will just brush it off, they won’t even address it. They’ll continue to label him incorrectly, continue to treat him in ways that make him uncomfortable, and eventually he’ll just stop getting upset or annoyed and go along with it. This is NOT okay. This happens when a writer likes writing about feminine men.

There’s nothing wrong with a feminine man, that’s not what I’m saying. What’s wrong is when a man is overly sexualized because of his physical appearance and incorrectly labeled by others despite him stating what he identifies as. If you want to write about a gender fluid male omega, do that! Do not write about a male omega who identifies as male and call him a wife just because he can give birth. He is still a husband. He is a man and the other characters should be respecting that.

Then we have the fetishizing of birth or breeding in these AUs. This element of this AU has always been so creepy to me. (And I’m talking about FORCED breeding. Edit added because I didn’t specify this at first).

Omegas in these AUs are seen as the lowest of the low because they have heats, are softhearted, physically weaker, and motherly. Yet despite being chained to the bottom of the societal hierarchy they are objectified by other secondary genders. They are desired just enough for alphas and betas to want to breed with but they aren’t worth equal rights such as choosing their own “mate”, their job, or even walking down the street without fear of being forcefully mounted.

Seldom do I see this issue actually portrayed as an issue. The omegas in the story bat their eyelashes at alphas, and even manipulate them because they know that they are objectified. They aim to get claimed by “strong” and “virile” alphas and to have “beautiful pups”. Like, what?

But okay, I can see that.

You live a certain way you can get used to almost anything, but the fact that it’s rarely more than the main character who wants for more is astounding to me. I guess this is a writer’s way of hammering home how different and “before their time” they want their main character to be but it just comes off as forced, and the main character becomes a novelty. Alphas just want the main even more because they want to break them so they can force them into the role of a “good little omega”.

It angers me to see this type of world building with no consequences. There’s no simmering rage at the lack of justice and equality, there’s no conflict. It’s just, “omegas are cute and sexy and they smell nice”. This just makes all of the characters seem like morally bankrupt sex addicts who’re all some form of insane and I can’t stand it. But I’ll digress.

The true reason I decided to write this rant?

A story.

Yes, I came across a story and for some reason despite the harmless looking tags and my knowledge of how misleading this AU can be I clicked on it. I just wanted to see if I was being too harsh on the ABO AU, if someone could write a story in this type of universe that I could actually bear to read that wasn’t extremely hard to find. (Most of the fics in this AU I come across are the really dark ones).

So, I tried to read an ABO AU for MHA, and I'll tell you now I couldn’t even get beyond the fourth chapter. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Izuku was of course a rare male omega, born in a fantasy world where All Might bestowed upon him the powerful magic of One For All and then dipped. Of course despite having this power Izuku was still a weakling, even though the author tried to say he was strong willed and “unlike most omegas”.

Izuku had to hide his secondary gender. He lived as a quirkless beta with his mother. One day he stumbled across Katsuki, who declared Izuku his “true mate”. Despite Izuku saying he didn’t want to mate with him, Izuku was abducted and forced to be with him simply because it was what Katsuki wanted.

Izuku repeatedly said he didn’t want to be there, that he didn't want to be with this literal stranger, and that he didn’t have any desire to be a baby factory for him but was of course ignored. Long story short Katsuki got his way and Izuku eventually was down with it. Because Katsuki was handsome, well built, and smelled nice Izuku didn’t even bother to stay angry at the injustice of his own situation.

This is one of the many stories in this type of AU I personally find problematic. I don’t care if people write these fics, I just wish they were more responsible about it.

I’ve seen stories where alphas threaten to kill an omega’s family or the omega themselves to force them to mate with them, and are forced to comply. Instead of acknowledging how horrible this is the other characters just sort of treat it like the omega is misbehaving and that they’re cute for being “annoyed”. Like, what? Literally what the fuck. And this is sometimes never brought up again.

Alphas could burn down a whole village, slaughter everyone and take the omegas as sex slaves and still in certain stories this could be romanticized. I can’t get with that. Especially not when the victims aren’t even upset for more than a few days. What the heck!? That was your family!

But what really makes me uncomfortable? When an author makes sure the reader is aware of the fact that an abuser is extremely physically attractive so that people will be less inclined to be disgusted by their atrocious behavior and mentality.

I get it.

Sometimes the inevitable fall is due to true mates and all that. But at the same time, that is absolute bullshit. I wouldn’t give a damn if you were Jesus Christ himself, if you threaten to kill my family, or me, DO these things, disregard my feelings because of what you want and what you have to gain I am not giving you the time of day. Or at the very least if I have no choice I’m gonna utterly despise the person harming me. Come on!

True mates/Soulmates could be so freaking cute. It HAS been. I’ve seen it. There’s good fics out there, I just wish there was more of a selection where certain tropes are implemented in a way that isn’t toxic.

I don’t care how objectively attractive someone appears. I don’t care what “fate” says or what “instincts” denote. What reason do some of these characters have to love their abusers? Let alone be attracted to them? Especially if they never get a heartfelt apology and the alpha doesn’t bother to change significantly to be a tolerable human being. But okay, ABO instincts. Lack of control. I know, okay? But come on, can we switch it up a bit?

Out of morbid curiosity, sometimes when I come across stories I just can’t read because the Non-con is there but it’s not portrayed as traumatic and the author doesn’t even TELL you it’s in there... out of some masochistic need to punish myself I scroll down to read some of the comments and no one, I mean no one addresses how skewed and warped the themes in these stories are. The readers eat it up. And it’s honestly sickening.

But you know what? That’s kind of a lie. Some people do complain but they’re usually just straight up hateful flames and I don’t support those. I wish people could be more constructive when commenting on people’s work.

But anyway, since it was the MHA ABO AU fic that set me off I’ll just continue to use Izuku and Katsuki as examples for my griping. With Izuku as the omega and Katsuki as the alpha.

Many fanfic writers set up their worlds as a means to impregnate Izuku. That’s what I believe. Not ALL fanfic writers that write about this AU do this. SOME of them do! And I’m not saying this is always problematic, but it is when they put certain elements together because they want to write about BakuDeku in a sexual form and don’t bother to note how dark the story elements they’re implementing actually are.

I’m not sure if this is because some of them don’t understand how serious and damaging these things are and can be (rape/sexual coercion/forced pregnancy) or if they just don’t care and find them cute and sexy.

Either way, the things some authors have alpha Katsuki pulling on Izuku are wrong and downright perverted.

Now, I’m not opposed to smut. Sometimes I read stories with smut, that doesn’t bother me. Sex is a natural thing and people do it to show how much they like someone, or even just because it feels good. Whatever, that’s fine. But putting two characters together and saying “this is how it is because fate and forget gradually becoming attracted because I want that sexual tension now!” is something I find greatly unsettling.

If I could see this idea displayed differently maybe I could be equally disturbed, but could grow to accept Izuku and Katsuki (or whoever are the focus of the story) as a pair. Why? Because if the things the alpha is doing are horrible they should be acknowledged as horrible.

A lot of stories could be more interesting to me if the author wrote the things I mentioned above as they actually are, despicable. Instead things a lot of the times are sugar coated, treated as a joke, or downright wrongfully sexualized. Sometimes all three at once! A lot of these fics could have been something I could stomach if treated soundly. Say, Katsuki for example decided Izuku belonged to him and he forcefully mated with him, not allowing Izuku to be with anyone else without serious backlash. If he began to realize that his outlook on life was entitled and morally bankrupt I could totally get with that!

The author in this fake scenario could take the steps to better Katsuki as a person. Izuku of course should rightfully hate this man but could grudgingly begin to see and acknowledge Katsuki trying to change for the better. Then when Izuku manages to let go of his anger for his own sake, (not Katsuki’s) I could probably accept him beginning to notice Katsuki romantically. NOT sexually.

Now if Izuku just has to notice Katsuki’s physical body from the beginning and finds him irresistible because you know, ABO AU instincts and all that jazz—but hated this about himself, the juxtaposition of physical desire but mental and emotional disdain could be fascinating, engaging. It would make Izuku seem more like a person in these stories and less like the idea of a mentally strong omega. (Again, not saying all ABO fics lack good storytelling or compelling characters or any of that).

I could accept this eventual forgiveness and romance scenario because it could be amazing storytelling wise. Allowing the reader to experience a range of emotions due to world building, characterization, character growth, and plot line.

But anyway, I’m not trying to bash the specific story I used as an example above. I realize a lot of people love it and a lot of my language was crude and even rude but I just felt the need to express exactly what I was feeling, and above is what I felt. (I had to cut some things because it was way too obvious which fanfiction set me off and that’s not what I wanted. Didn’t want to throw shade, just wanted to prove a point).

If people want to read those types of stories that’s fine, at least they’re not going out into the world and doing what they’re reading about. Or at least I hope that’s the case.

But anyway, if people are going to read these types of things I think the reality of the content should be aptly acknowledged. No rose colored glasses, because that just makes it so wrong. And no, I’m not talking about being partial to any kind of kinks. I’m talking about a type of ABO fic that is problematic for me. I wrote a whole damn rant, if you can’t glean what I’m saying here I freaking give up.

But more presently, I guess it really comes down to what you prefer. Other people like things that come off as more sensual and carefree.

Personally I make it a point not to read those types of fanfictions because it’s just not my preference. I prefer to read things with dark world building with what I perceive as realistic consequences and real justice. Or maybe just downright cold blooded revenge sometimes. That’s nice too. Everyone is different, and I think I’ve just become frustrated because I’m not finding many stories like that in this AU.

That being said I’ve decided to write a story that I could read. A few, actually. You know what they say, “if you don’t do it, nobody else will”.

[enbyprentiss]

I’m not crazy...

Genre: Angst/Dark Fic

Pairing: None

Warnings: drug addiction/abuse, hallucinations, graphic description of drug use, PTSS, depression, self hatred, implied suicidal thoughts, just lots of heavy topics in general. if i missed anything pls lmk!

DISCLAIMER: in this fic i describe Spencer’s hallucination to be female presenting and interactive with him. i do not ‘ship’ them in any way shape or form. she’s not even given a name. in no way am i trying to romanticize addiction or any mental health topic. if this story comes across that way, please please lmk and i will take it down.

Tobias. Charles. Raphael. Those three names were all it took to flip my whole world--and mind, upside down. I knew I shouldn’t have split off from JJ. But I did it anyway. I was reckless. Which means I have no one else to blame except for myself. After being kidnapped, tortured, drugged, dying and coming back again, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t know how to survive without it. I never thought I would end up here. An addict--I can’t even think it, much less say it out loud. See, each time an...addict needs a fix, they need more of the drug to get off, it would be almost impossible for them--for me to quit without help. But I can’t ask for help. I can’t tell everyone how pathetic I am. I just...can’t stop. And she is no help.

The first time I ever saw her was laying on my bathroom floor. I miscalculated how much I needed to take. So, my limbs felt too heavy to get back up. Slowly, I was able to pick my head up just enough to see her. There was a woman, pale with dark flowing hair sitting on my bathroom counter and a soft smile on her face. 

“You look lonely, honey. I can fix that.”

“No! No, you can’t! Nothing’s wrong with me! And--and even if there were...no one can fix me. No one can make it go away.”

“That may be so, but you won’t even give me a shot?”

“A-aren’t you--I don’t know...supposed to be helping me?”

“Oh, sweetheart, I’m not who you think I am.”

“Then what are you?”

“I think we should save this for another time.”, and just like that, she was gone. But not forever. The next time we had a case, she came back. Standing in front of me as I sat on the hotel bed.

“God, Spencer. Look at you. Going around snapping at everyone like it’s their fault you’re too weak to survive without me.”, I hadn’t even realized that I truly was doing those things until she said it, “How pathetic. You can’t even go a day without getting high. Even at work. I thought your job was important? Don’t you  want someone to ever take you seriously again?”

“My job is important! That’s why I need it--need you, to help me forget. To focus on all the people I’m supposed to be saving.”

“You’re never going to be able to pull yourself back together, are you? You want to stay fractured, to stay broken like this?”

“No! No. I want to be better again. I don’t know how to do it alone. But I want it to get better on my own. I can’t let anyone else know. About me using, about you, nothing. They’ll think I’m crazy. And I’ll lose everything I have.”

“What else could you possibly lose?”

“My job, my friends--everything!”

“Don’t you think your friends love you? They saved you, right?”

“No one can love me like this. No one can save me.”

“I think I can.”

“No, you can’t. If anything, you’re just encouraging me.”

“And what makes you think that?”

“That every time I think about using, I hear you--”

“You hear that I tell you no?”

“No...instead all I ever hear is you telling me yes. That you’re the only thing that can help. That I’m pathetic enough to rely on you.”

“So, you purposely ignore me when I tell you no?”

“All you ever do is tell me I need it! What am I supposed to do?! You’re so two-faced! You can’t ever make up your mind about what I deserve--what I need! You don’t even try to help me! What’s the point of you to keep coming back to make things worse?!”

“It’s not my fault that you have no control. It’s yours. And you know it. If you want me to go, just say it.”

“I know you won’t. You’ll never let me be.”

“I will now.”

“Please don’t.

“It’s just like I said. You have no control, of me, of yourself, of anything.”

--

She goes with me everywhere I go. But she never talks to me when I’m at work anymore. She really only ever comes around when I have a tourniquet around my arm. Or when I stick the needle in any vein I can find. 

But tonight, she laid next to me on my bed. And I know she’s not real, I know only I can see or hear her but that doesn’t change that I can almost feel how she wipes the tears from my face. Or how she runs her fingers through my hair. Or places her hand on my cheek.

“What’s the matter, Spencer?”

“I can’t stop all the things I think about myself! I know I’m pathetic. I can’t ask for--I don’t even want help anymore. It’s not worth it.”

“None of this is your fault, sweetheart.”

“You can’t keep doing this!”

“Doing what?”

“Feeding me lies. Telling me things that only confuse me more.”

“I’m only trying to help.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Spencer, listen to me. You can’t help what he did to you. You’re only trying to survive.”

“No. I did this to myself.”

“But you’ll never be alone. I’ll be here as long as you need me.”

“This isn’t fair.”, I sobbed in front of her. She pulled me closer to her, stroking though my hair while I repeated that she was just in my head over and over, like it was my job to create this mantra. To convince myself that I could get rid of her. But the worst part is, I want her. I never want her to leave. Because then I’m all alone again.

--

After nearly over dosing and what Gideon had said to me, I decided it was finally time. I clutched the steering wheel while she sat in my passenger seat. 

“Why are you doing this Spencer? Why don’t you want me?”, I knew exactly what she was doing. Trying to guilt trip me. Trying to make me pity her. And for a second I considered it. But it was too late to turn back now as I pulled into the parking lot of where an NA meeting was being held. 

“I’m sorry. But I can’t keep you forever.”

“Yes! Yes, you can. You don’t have to do this.”

“You’re right I don’t. But I need to.”

As I stood in front of the podium, introducing myself and finally admitting my problem I could hear her. I could hear her screaming in the back of my head that she’ll always be in my thoughts, that I’ll never be able to get rid of her. But I knew I could. All it would take was some help, some support. And I was right. I’ve never seen or heard her again. 

[theonethatwatchesalotofshows]

Ranking every Teen Drama I have ever watched

(Updated)

The Secret Life of the American Teenager

+ young Shailene Woodley and Molly Ringwald I guess

- everything else. Even Shailene Woodley's and Molly Ringwald's performances weren't that great because the writing is just oh so bad. The background music is bland and repetative and it sounds like out of some teenager's YouTube chanel. The plotlines are ridiculous and convoluted, which isn't neccessarily such a bad thing, because it is a teen drama show after all, the problem is the show seems to take itself too seriously. Other entries on this list also have ridiculously convoluted plotlines, but I'm ranking them highed because they don't take themselves too seriously and don't claim to be realistic like this show does. Seriously, from the title it suggests like this was going to be a real, uncensored look into high school but it's the furthest thing from it. Not to mention how problematic it is- God forbid someone suggests that a 14-year-old pregnant girl gets an abortion or gives the baby up for adoption without being seen as a terrible and despicable person.

Otp: Marc Molina x a job somewhere far, far away from these kids

Notps: every single pairing on this show

Best moment: literally none

Weirdest moment: "I'm such a whore!" "Well, you're my whore." What were the writers thinking??? Was this supposed to be romantic??

We Children From Zoo Station

+the aesthetic, the casting of Christiane, Detlef and Axel

-this was such a letdown. Honestly I was so hyped for it after seeing the trailer since I've read the book and didn't particularly like the movie- I feel like it's hard to fit all of Christiane's story into 90 minutes. That's why I was so excited about this show. Christiane's story covers so much, so it's easier to make it into a TV show when you don't want to ommit anything and butcher the story. But they somehow managed to do it anyway. They changed so much for no reason and completely erased Christiane's childhood trauma, which was important in the book. Now, I know you can say that it's just a loose adaptation, so it doesn't have to follow the book word for word. But I feel like if you already decided to tell her- a real person's story- you should at least do it authentically. Imo they shouldn't have tried to make the setting vague. It worked with Sex Education because the story of Sex Education is timeless. However, Christiane's story is not timeless. It's a true story set in the 1970s. If they were making a new show from scratch, I would have liked it. But this is an already existing story and they’re supposed to be just retelling it. My last issue is a nit pick but I wish the actresses playing Stella and Babsi were reversed. It just would've fit better.

Otps: all those kids x sobriety

Notp: Christiane x Detlef

Best moment: Christiane's first time in Sound was pretty true to the book

Weirdest moment: when Detlef became a gigolo because he needed money for his dog. Who tf thought of that?

Pretty Little Liars

+ makeup, style, the theme song, the drama and mystery that always kept me guessing, the cliffhangers at the end of each episode that made it so addictive, Emily's coming out story, Hanna and Spencer had some good lines

- the mishandling of some serious issues (namely eating disorders), romantization of student-teacher relationship, the timeline not making much sense, these writers seem to put more thought into the characters' outfits than the storylines

Otps: Emily x Maya, Hanna x Caleb

Notp: Ezria

Best moment: Hanna and Caleb in the shower (the sexual tension was cuttable with a knife)

Weirdest moments: Aria asking Ezra out in the middle of a make-up test (it was supposed to be cute but it was just cringy), Spencer trying to block A's text messages on a laptop, in the middle of a park (what? Spencer, you were supposed to be the smart one!)

One Tree Hill

+ Brooke, the theme song, Chad Michael Murray

- the casual drinking and driving (I mean seriously these kids play a drinking game at a party and then casually hop into a car and drive home??), too much basketball and cheerleading (that's not a bad thing per se but I just don't really care about neither of these things), it just seems too stereotypical and kinda bland?? I couldn't really get into it

Otp: Naley

Notp: Peyton x Nathan

Best moment: Naley by the dock

Weirdest moment: "I guess I'm just a riddle, wrapped in a mystery inside a bitch." It's not really a bad moment but a cringy line. I guess the writers though they were being clever but it just sounded bad.

Dawson's Creek

+ the clothes, the 90s aesthetic, the 90s soundtrack, many movie references, Pacey is a sweetheart, Jen is a feminist icon, dealing with mental health issues through Andie (it's rare to see in shows as old as this)

- the slutshaming of Jen really hasn't aged well, the storyline of Pacey being statury raped by his much older teacher was mishandled (it was either treated as scandalous, cool or in Andie’s case somehow shameful), same goes for Jen’s backstory- it was mentioned she was raped at 12 by an older man and then never brought up again, Dawson is the most unlikable protagonist ever and his friendship/relationship with Joey is codependent and possessive, the dialogue is sometimes pretentious and unrealistic, the timeline doesn't really add up- I can never tell what time of the year it's supposed to be, because it looks like it's always fall for some reason. And how did they sophomore year have two homecomings?

Otps: Pacey x Andie, Pacey x Joey (yes, both at the same time)

Notp: Dawson x Joey

Best moments: Jen helping Joey when that jerk was spreading rumours about her and then Jen and Joey locking Abby in the closet together (I love it when they stick together instead of tearing each other down), Pacey and Joey bickering

Weirdest moments: when Joey was upset because Dawson didn’t want to tell her how often he “walks his dog”, when Jen was about to have a treesome at a party and Dawson walked into the room and carried her out despite her kicking and screaming

Glee

+ funny, Sue Sylvester's iconic, great covers and a way to find new songs, the performances are aesthetically pleasing, lgbtq+ representation, tackling of serious issues, coming out story, a father who’s accepting of his son’s sexuality right away despite not really understanding it (it’s so rare to see, that’s why it’s so refreshing), the plotlines are ridiculous but at least the show doesn't take itself too seriously

-as I already said the 1st season was great but after that it just seemed like the writers made up a checklist of hard issues they should tackle and tried to tackle every single one of them while covering every single song and it just fell flat. Prime example- Quinn ending up in a wheelchair getting into a car crash to warn us from drinking and driving, singing I’m Still Standing and then suddenly being able to walk normally after. a few episodes Rachel and Finn got almost all songs, while other characters were criminally underrated and underused (Tina, Quinn, Mercedes). The teachers are questionable to put it mildly. Cringy moments- Finn singing You're Having My Baby to Quinn in front of her parents when it wasn't even his baby! Also no one except of Kurt looks like they could be in high school. And why are these cheerleaders wearing their uniforms 24/7??

Otps: Brittana, Sam x Quinn, Tina x Artie (unpopular opinion, I know), Mr Schue x unemployment

Notp: Quinn x Finn

Best moments: Quinn giving birth to Bohemian Rhapsody

Weirdest moment: Rachel's gross and painfully awkward crush on Mr Schue, Mr Schue joining the Glee club on the stage for a performance of Toxic and girls in the audience cat calling him (Ewww)

Euphoria

+ Zendaya's and Jacob Elordi's performances, tackling of serious issues such as drug addiction and overdose, anxiety and depression, abusive relationships and abortion in a better manner than most (if not all) teen dramas, the aesthetics, makeup and wardrobe, the musical number in the finale, the special episodes giving us insight into the characters' psychology, toxic relationships not being romanticized (which is sadly rare), teenagers sounding like actual real life teens (no "I reject reality" crap)

- lack of comic relief (why so serious all the time), sexualization of teen characters (I know this is something many teen dramas are guilty of but it's the most evident here), too much nudity (I know some of you are going to come at me with: "But it's realistic!" So what? It is realitic that teenagers get naked when they go into shower but does it mean we have to see it?? It seems to me like this show is trying too hard to be "boundary pushing" at times and ends up being scandalous just for the sake of being scandalous), these characters just aren't believable as high school juniors to me (they sound like high schoolers but they certainly don’t act, look or dress that way). There's no reason this show couldn't have been set in college.

Otps: Rue x sobriety, Nate x prison

Notps: Nate x Maddy, Cassie x McKay

Best moments: "You did this to me!" and the musical number in the season 1 finale

Weirdest moment: the fact that Maddy lost her virginity at 14 to a 40-year-old man being mentioned so casually because apparently she was "totally in control". Excuse me what??

Skins

+ style and makeup- each character has a signature trademark (Sid and his beanie, Effy's eyeliner, Cassie's soft eyeshadow), their British accents, I'm pretty sure this is the only teen drama that follows multiple classes, teenage characters being played by actual teen actors, the characters looking like average people you meet in high school and not as if they just walked off the runway, dealing with serious issues such as drug abuse, eating disorder, parental abandonment etc (yes, some people claim the show romanticized it, but I disagree. It's not the show that romanticized it- it's the fans. The show tried to portray the dangers of drugs as well as possible. Think about it- every time characters used drugs it ended in a disaster. In the pilot they thought that Cassie overdosed and ended up crashing a car while rushing into the hospital. In later season Effy hit her friend in the head with a rock because she was having a bad trip. That's not romanticizing drugs.), Effy is iconic and honestly the first episode was enough to get me hooked

- every single teacher being a creep and having a thing for a student at some point, the show can get too dark and unncessarily dramatic at times. Did that many people have to die? Did Chris's death really have to be this graphic? Timeline doesn't really add up- are 8 episodes supposed to cover the whole year? It would've made more sense if there were more episodes in a season.

Otps: Chris x Jal, Emily x Naomi

Notps: Sid x Michelle

Best moment: ooh baby it's a wild world

Weirdest moment: Chris's graphic death

The OC

+ more grounded in reality than many others on this list, the theme song, the love stories, Seth and Summer are funny, the friendships are believable and the whole group has great chemistry

- too many unneccessary fights, Luke is the worst, everyone is way too casual about drunk driving, these parents are WAAAY too chill (I know this can be said about many teen dramas but it's the most obvious here. How did the Roberts and the Coopers let two 16-year-old girls go to Mexico alone?? With no supervision?? What?)

Otps: Seth x Summer, Ryan x Marissa

Notp: Luke x Marissa

Best moments: the “oh no, there’s only one bed” in the Mexico episode, Seth and Summer's first kiss and that kiss at the yacht, Ryan and Marissa's first date by the pool

Weirdest moment: these parents letting their teenage kids go to Mexico alone. It's irresponsible when they're 16 but apparently they let them go there and party every year. What?

Gossip Girl

+ every episode having a clever title, the style, the makeup, the 00s soundtrack, the glamour of it all (it feels like reading a very gossipy magazine!), all the scandals, this show never pretends to portray the realitic teenage experience so it can pretty much be as far-fetched as it wants to and you can’t question it, it gives you a chance to live the fantasy of being super rich, living with a penthouse, riding a limo to school and going to parties in New York City every night

- the final reveal doesn't make any sense, just like with PLL these writers seemed to have put more thought into the outfits and makeup than into the plotlines, romantization of a toxic relationship, having every two straight characters date or hook up at some point, which just felt forced, mishandling of serious issues (Blair's eating disorder, Eric's suicide attempt and Serena and Jenny's sexual assault from the pilot being brought up when it's convenient but not really dealt with and brushed off at other times), sexualization of teen characters

Otps: Dan x Blair, Serena x Nate

Notps: Chuck x Blair

Best moments: the Thanksgiving flashbacks, Blair and Serena running around New York and taking selfies in stolen dresses, Nate and Serena’s first time (although it was better in the books) and then their kiss at the white party, the sheer scandal of "I killed someone", Dan giving Blair a plastic tiara to make her feel like a princess

Weirdest moments: Chuck's father returning from the death and then dying again, by yeeting himself off the roof

Freaks and Geeks

+ probably the most realistic teen drama there is, the characters dress the way I can see actual teens dressing, funny, but also heatbreaking at times, probably the only teen show that included an intersex character, the characters being a little stereotypical but self-aware at least, young James Franco and Jason Segel

- the bullying being a bit too much at times and it's a bit unrealistic that the teachers would do literally nothing about it, too short- I will never understand why this got cancelled

Otps: Daniel x Kim, Lindsay x Nick, Amy x Ken

Notps: Sam x Cindy

Best moments: Sam breaking down at the end of Garage Door, Daniel and Kim getting back together in the rain

Weirdest moment: Cindy doing a 180 and becoming super mean when she started dating Sam.

Gilmore Girls

+ so many movie, literary and music references, the quotable lines (what a great way to learn about new movies, books and bands! It’s so unique for a TV show to make you smarter), the witty banter, the comfort of the first few seasons (it really feels like wrapping a warm blanket around yourself while holding a hot cup of coffee, I can’t explain why, but it’s such a comfort show), the quirky small town with many unique festivals, many entertaining and snappy fights where everyone has a point, characters dealing with real world problems (seriously, how often do you see a storyline about termites? Or a teenager with zit cream on a teen drama show?), this is also one of the few shows where teenagers are shown to have rules and restrictions and curfews (finally some kids growing up with strict parents representation) and doing homework and studying and not just partying and drinking and having sex all the time and that’s so refreshing

- but while it is refreshing to see teenagers waiting to have sex and not doing it behind every corner, the show is kind of sex negative. Every single time a (female) character loses her virginity it ends in a disaster. Even when she loses it after she’s married! It doesn’t make any sense, unless the writers just really hated women. Also slutshaming (”I got the good kid!”) ewww. The money and budget doesn’t make much sense on the show either and the girls seem immune to calories. I know some people might come at me for this with: “But it’s just a show!” but I think it’s harmful to show beautiful, thin women eat nothing but tons of junkfood all the time and never excersize and then fatshame people who do excersize but aren’t fortunate enough to be blessed with amazing Gilmore genes, and then throw around tactless references to eating disorders.

Otps: Lane x Dave, Jess x Rory

Notps: Lane x Zach, Rory x Dean, Lorelai x Christopher

Best moments: Then She Appeared, Rory’s valedictorian speech, Lorelai’s graduation

Weirdest moment: Lorelai and Christopher getting married in Paris at 4am. That’s not how it works in Europe. Do Americans think every single Europian country works like Las Vegas, where you can just get married whenever you decide??

[thecozywhaleshark]

Want

A/n: This is my first time writing smut and I’m all up in my Wonho feels and spiraling so I’m bringing you all down with me

Warnings: smut. unprotected sex (she’s on the pill in this scenario and condoms are boring in smut but please be safe everyone). There is so much fluff but also so much smut just read at your own risk

Word Count: 2,651

Summary: Losing your virginity to Wonho

You and your boyfriend had been together for about a year now, and after some thought, you made the decision that it was him you wanted to lose your virginity to. Wonho has always been respectful of your wishes, and when you told him you were a virgin and you didn’t want to have sex right away, he had been so sweet about it, pecking your cheek and telling you that was fine, he just wanted to be with you.

For years you thought you would never experience love as what it was romanticized to be, and that you would never find someone who would want to stay after you told them you were a virgin.

But he did.

He never pressured you, telling you over and over that if you ever wanted to make the choice to lose your virginity to him, he would let you take full control, to move things at your pace until you were ready for him to take over.

You went on dates, made out, and were together as much as you could be with his crazy schedule, and he never pressured you to do anything. With the amount of respect and adoration he showed you, you had found yourself falling in love.

And now, as you sat next to him in the living room of your apartment, you decided you wanted to give him what you had never given anyone else. All of you.

You swing your leg over his hips, planting yourself on his lap and wrap your arms around his neck.

He smiles. “What’s up?”

You pull him close and kiss him, quickly heating it until you’re both panting when you pull away. You stroke your thumbs over his cheekbones and look at him seriously. “I want you, to have all of me.”

His hands are at your hips stroking soft circles into the tops of your thighs. “What do you mean baby?”

“I want you,” you blush, looking down at his hands. “to take my virginity.” You look up, meeting his wide eyes. “I want you to Hoseok. Please.”

“Are you sure?” he breathes out “I don’t want you to feel like you have to--”

You pull him close and kiss him, hard. “I’m sure baby.”

And then it’s on, you’re making out harder than you ever have before, your fingers tangling in his hair, pulling him closer. His hands skimming your waist, stomach, hips, and thighs, and when his fingertips slide under your shirt, you’re hot all over.

He’s whimpering against your neck, leaving opened mouthed kisses as his fingers just brush the edge of your bra.

“Is this okay? Is it too much? Can I touch you more?” he breathes, leaning back to check your reaction.

You tug him back down to your neck. “Hoseok… god please don’t stop.”

It feels so good and you suddenly want him to touch you everywhere, all at once. But more than anything, you want to touch him.

With hesitant hands you start unbuttoning his shirt slowly, exposing his well-muscled chest inch by inch. He can’t stop watching your hands, his eyes flicking between them and your face and the way your tongue sticks out just a little in concentration. He leans in to kiss you and touch it with his own while you unbutton the last few holding his shirt together.

You deepen the kiss and gently trail your fingertips down his chest. You hear his breath hitch.

You pull your hand away and he grabs it, putting it back, breaking the kiss to look into your eyes.

“Jagi please, touch me. Anywhere. Everywhere. Wherever you want. Just please, touch me.” He groans, watching you with hooded eyes.

You blush, not having realized just how much effect you were having on him. You never thought someone could ever want you so much like this. You retreat to the one place you know you feel one hundred percent comfortable, his mouth.

He’s kissing you hungrily, his hands rubbing up and down on your thighs wanting to move, to hold you closer, touch you more, but you know he won’t do anything until you give the okay.

When you trail kisses down to his neck he lets out a breathy moan and you feel yourself growing bolder with every noise he makes. You begin alternating between his mouth and the sweet addiction that was slowly becoming his skin, and he trembles beneath you and clutches your hips, a steady whine coming from his throat as you trail your nails lightly over his abs and attach your mouth to his neck.

After you push his shirt off his shoulders you begin to take off your own, just as slowly. He wets his lips, trying to keep his gaze on your face to reassure you, but he’s struggling, his gaze lingering on your body as you reach down pull it off.

When you take one of his hands and place it on your chest, he’s cupping the back of your head with the other and crashing your mouth to his own, then running his hands all over your torso, his hands taking care of how aching your breasts have gotten.

You lean back to give him better access to your neck and he’s everywhere, leaving open-mouthed kisses in his wake, sucking love into your collarbones and tender presses to your shoulders, breasts, arms, anywhere he can reach. He feels so good. You want more.

“Hoseok?”

he pulls away from your neck and looks up at you with wide eyes. You softly place your hands on either side of his face. “I’m ready baby.”

His pupils dilate and you feel how hard he is beneath you when he pulls you closer.

“Are you sure baby? I want you to be sure. We can always stop, it’s really okay we don’t need -”

You cut him off, kissing him harder before pulling back again.

“I’m sure baby. I want it. I want you.”

He stands up from the chair, picking you up with your legs around his waist, kissing you the whole time like he never wants to stop, just over and over, as he brings you over to the bedroom and lays you so down ever so gently. He pulls back only to take off your pants along with his own and then lays his entire body weight over your own.

Your entire body feels like it’s on fire in the most delicious way and you can’t believe anything could ever feel as right as it feels to have him bracing himself over your body, kissing you so softly but laced with so much raw need.

His hands are all over your body, finding the places you didn’t even know that you wanted him to touch, places you now needed him to touch. His mouth and hands are everywhere, and when he touches you there you make a sound you swear you didn’t know you could make.

He immediately pulls back and you whimper, reaching out for him, wanting more. He trails his hands down your body, and you can’t help how your body arches in response.

“Can I taste you?” he asks, leaning back over you to flick his tongue out, catching the base of your throat, then trailing down, leaving wet kisses across your chest and stomach.

“I’ll be so good to you,” he whimpers as he slides himself down to the end of the bed and gets on his knees, trailing his fingers down your legs. “So good, I promise.”

When he presses a kiss to your heat you find yourself gasping, trying to squirm away. The feeling is weird and wet, but when he retreats to nibble down the inside of your thighs, licking over where he bites, you find that you want him to go there.

When he presses his mouth to you again, you don’t squirm this time. It’s still a weird feeling at first, but then oh.

The things he is doing to your clit have you keening and arching your back off the bed, and when he inserts one of his fingers, all you want in that moment is more.

With his mouth sucking at your clit and his finger moving in and out of you, you are swept away in what can only be described as bliss.

He doesn’t stop, relentless in his pursuit to make you feel good. You’re grabbing at his hair, pulling him closer, desperate with want, but he doesn’t seem to mind. He picks up the pace of his finger, adds a second, and when he nips your clit you’re coming all around him, crying out his name.

Legs trembling, you watch him lean back and trail his hands up and down your legs cooing at how pretty you are spread out for him.

“You’re so pretty baby,” he murmurs, pressing a kiss to the inside of your thigh. “Was that okay? Did I make you feel good?” he slides his hand back down your thigh and places one finger on your core, sliding it through your folds, playing. His mouth presses to your knee, and he watches as you react to him. “Good” you whimper, and he smiles, slipping a finger inside you once again.

“I promised, didn’t I? I’ll never break a promise with you.” And then he’s working you mercilessly and you’re coming again, crying out his name like a mantra.

He leaves you while you catch your breath, but only for a moment, coming back with a bottle of lube. “I don’t want to hurt you… just want to be safe, make it as good for you as I can okay?” he explains, squirting some into his hand to coat himself thoroughly, then warming some in his hand before massaging it onto your core.

When he crawls back over your body, it dawns in your mind that you really are about to do this. You really are about to lose your virginity. Wonho must have seen the flash of uncertainty cross your face, because he’s immediately pushing himself off you to give you some air.

“Are you okay jagi? Am I going too fast?”

he strokes your hair out of your face and looks at you with such gentle concern you find yourself falling for him even more.

You take a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I want you Hoseok, I swear I do… I want to do this… it’s just…I’m… scared” you cover your face with your hands, embarrassed. He had just done the most sinful things to you and here you are interrupting it with your own insecurities. You push your hands through your hair and take a deep breath, giving him what you hoped was a confident smile. “Okay, I’m… I’m ready.”

He looks at you completely serious. “Jagi, don’t lie to me. I can tell you’re uncomfortable. We can stop if you want. It’s completely okay. We don’t have to do this to be in a relationship. I still love you so much, with or without sex.”

You climb on top of him, now certain in your decision, and kiss him, grinding down hard. He groans low in his throat. He pulls back from you panting. “Jagiya, are you sure?”

You smile, confident this time. “I’ve never been so sure in my life.”

He flips you then, sliding his hand back down to your core to make sure you’re still ready for him, and you buck into his hand, whimpering already.

He lines himself up with your entrance, reaching for one of your hands and intertwining your fingers with his own.

“You okay?” he asks, looking straight into your eyes.

Your legs are slightly shaking but you nod, giving his hand a squeeze.

When he pushes his tip into you slowly, you both moan.

He’s trembling with the effort it takes to hold back, trying to ignore every instinct that screams to slide into you all the way. You’re so tight around him he can barely breathe and the sounds coming from your throat as he inches into you ever so slowly are killing him so sweetly.

It hurts, god it hurts, and you can’t help the whimpers that come out of you as you try to adjust to this new feeling and the way he stretches you. Your hands squeeze each other tighter and tighter with every inch, his other hand gripping at your hip.

He stops after every inch, whispering if you’re okay, if you want him to stop. You just shake your head and grab his hair, pulling his mouth down to yours, kissing him so hard it’s almost painful. You tell him you can take it, that you want this, and kiss him again.

When the last inch slides home and his entire body is leaning over you so close, his hands leave their stations and he places them on either side of your face, kissing you sweetly, whispering words of encouragement, then kissing you again…and again and again and again.

Your hands are digging into his shoulders, pressing, traveling, trying to figure out what to do and where to land, fluttering over every part of him you can reach.

He continues to kiss you so slowly, passionately, claiming your mouth as his. He stops only to ask if he can move, and when you allow it, he claims your body too.

He moves so slowly, kissing you the entire time, his body shaking with the effort to not fuck you like he so badly wants to. His mouth swallows every sound you make, and the moans and whimpers burn him from the inside out, branding you into his soul.

When you moan for him to go faster, he can’t help but bury his face into your neck and groan deeply. He picks up his pace, hands wandering all over your body, admiring the way you look and feel beneath him.

He won’t last long, he can feel it, so his fingers find your clit and he’s coaxing, rubbing you in just the right way that any remaining lick of pain is kissed over by feathers of pleasure.

When you come around him, he cries out with you at the feeling, so good, so right, and he immediately loses all control he had, thrusting a little harder than he means to, coming within seconds after you.

When he pulls out he holds you close, asking immediately if you’re okay, telling you how wonderful you were, and stroking every part of your body that might hurt. When you flinch moving your legs later he is all apologetic, crawling on top of your body to press kisses to your neck, your chest, your legs, and especially the hip he had gripped so tightly when he had first slid in. He mumbles ‘sorry’s’ against your skin, and you can do nothing but lay there contently, softly sliding your fingers through his hair.

When he comes back up, he kisses you so sweetly.

“Are you okay jagi? Was it okay?” He tucks you into the sheets, covering your nakedness and cuddling you close.

You smile sleepily and reach out to stroke his face. “It was perfect baby. I love you.”

He snuggles closer and kisses your cheek. “Not as much as I love you.”

You drift off to sleep just like that, and in the morning Wonho is there with breakfast and the widest smile on his face. He pulls you in and kisses you brightly.

“Good morning baby, have a good sleep?”

You smile and pull the sheet against your chest, reaching for a waffle. “The best. It was very… satisfying”

You give him a slow wink and he chuckles, handing you a bowl of fruit. “Eat up baby, you need to regain your strength.”

You look at him while you chew. “Regain strength? For what?”

He just smirks. “Exercise.”

[bubblyani]

Deeper Relations : 03

(Freddie Jackson x Reader)

A Freddie Jackson Multi Chapter Series

Chapter 03: The Confession

Summary: Being the youngest sister of Jackie and Maggie, you were quite young when Freddie Jackson went to prison. Upon his return, you cannot help but recall your innocent love you had for him back then. And surprised by your transformation into womanhood, Freddie cannot help but form a desire towards you. Will a dangerously seductive attraction grow between the two of you? What will be the consequences?

Requested by: @97freaknik​ Thank you for your detailed request 😘

Author’s Note: Managed to write faster with the self isolation period lol. Trying to be productive and creative. Hope y’all enjoy this!

Chapter 1, Chapter 2

“Alright, girls! Lights off!…Goodnight!” “Goodnight Aunt Y/N!”

Scrunching your nose playfully, you smiled at your beautiful nieces before turning off the lights. As you closed the door, you hoped they would drift off to dreamland with much haste.

Making your way to the living room, you sensed the emptiness. Upon realization, you hurriedly rushed to Jackie’s room. You sighed. Not the fact that she was curled up in bed, but the fact you could spot the bottle of pills sitting comfortable on her bedside cupboard. Clicking your tongue, you felt guilt.

Guess Maggie was right about this. 


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

(A few days ago)

“You’ve ever done shotgun kisses? “Ohhh yeah” “Guess I should try it out myself sometime……maybe with a friend. Hah! Maybe even with Marcus-” “Why don’t we try it?”

“Why don’t we try it?”

Those words, Freddie’s words, they succeeded in leaving you questioning even a week later. If the one had laughed right after a line like that,  the humor would have shown. But the way his eyes glinted with seriousness, it frightened you. What did he mean by that exactly?

That was not the only surprise you came across, for surprises came in the form of three.

Surprise number two: Freddie’s string of dalliances with other women.

You never mean to eavesdrop, but when you accidentally found yourself do so during Jimmy and Maggie’s conversation, you couldn’t walk away from it. As much as you expected this from a gangster, the thought of Freddie actually doing so made your heart shatter a little. Regardless, he was someone you admired apart from romanticizing in your young age. And what he and Jackie had back then, it was something you longed for.

If the dalliances were true, perhaps he was actually pulling your leg that day. Just messing with you. Perhaps none of what he said was to be taken so seriously.

To your relief, Maggie confided it all in you soon after, leaving you less guilty about eavesdropping. And as you were told, what made it sadder was that Jackie knew of them. She knew of  his ways, she knew of the women, which enraged you. Unfair it was clearly. Why couldn’t anything be done about it? You wondered. Which led to the third surprise: Jackie’s Addiction.

As much as she was skilled in putting on a good face to all, Jackie struggled with all the challenges her family had to go through. Having someone like Freddie as her husband definitely had not been easy. Which easily drove her into the arms and comfort of non prescribed medication.

“We have to keep an eye out for her, Y/N….” Maggie said, as you both sat in her room “She is our sister” “Yeah, of course” you nodded frantically, “Anything really…”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

(Present)

When you heard your sister Jackie had suddenly come down with a bad stomach, you were more than willing to step up and do your part.

And there you were, proactive, helping out with the cleaning and cooking. Though your sister grew with it, you did not complain. Instead you wore a smile always. You even tended to your adoring nieces, making sure they were well-fed and went to bed on time. You did it all.

Running your fingers through Jackie’s soft blonde hair, you sat on the bed while she slept soundly. “You have to be strong, sis…” you whispered, “For the girls…for Freddie”

With drowsiness finally catching up, you decided to get some shut-eye.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

(Few hours later)

Nightmares, only they would usually wake you up in the middle of the night. But tonight, reason for your abrupt awareness, the profuse sweating in many a region was definitely not because of one. In fact, it was far from it.

Hopping into the shower, you closed the door but left it unlocked, considerate for the welfare of your sister, who developed the habit to run in to either relieve herself from whichever end of her body allowed. With the shower curtain closed, you let the pressurized cold water from the shower head cleanse you, while you hoped to cleanse the thoughts that lingered.

An intimate dream was always welcomed by you. But one with Freddie Jackson? Why now? In fact, Why ever?

Your mind soiled with guilt, you remembered it all with detail. The way his beautiful eyes undressed you. The way his wonderful hands roamed over you. The way his luscious lips tasted yours and much else.You tightened your temples, hoping to erase them away. This was all just too disturbing. It was wrong, you thought. Yet,  the feeling you felt during was simply-No! You shook your head. It was wrong to even reconsider. It was simply wrong.

With your body and mind cleaned and cooled down, you mindlessly reached out to grab the towel. “Fuck!” You muttered. As distracted as you were, you forgot how the large towel was already used. And the only towel left in the shower was rather a small one. So small, it could barely cover your entire body. Cursing under your breath even further, you wrapped it around your frame so that you could at least hide your shame by concealing your nipples and the nether region while the mass of your cleavage and rounded curves of your buttocks had its time under the florescent light. Sighing, you were at least relieved it was late,  and  that no one would witness your shame.

The door burst open wide, leaving you gasping as the person you least expected entered.

Noticeably drunk, Freddie Jackson stumbled into the bathroom whilst halfway unbuckling his pants, suddenly stopping in alarm upon seeing you.

“Shit! Cupcake…” He chuckled with amusement. Although, his smile slowly faded the moment his eyes properly encountered your half naked figure standing in the bathtub, “Oh…” he exclaimed softly, with a voice low and animalistic. You felt yourself blush. “The fuck Freddie!….” You hissed, squinting instantly the moment you caught a glimpse of his exposed manhood. “Freddie!” Jackie’s sleepy voice echoed from the bedroom, surprising both of you. “Babe! You back?”Her voice inquired further. Closing the shower curtain behind you, you stood still. Freddie, standing in front of the commode, cleared his throat. “Yeah! Yeah babe…just in the loo” Freddie responded, quickly locking the door behind him to your frustration. Uncomfortable, you held your breath as you were forced to listen to him piss.

If this had happened to you years ago, it would’ve gone down a quite differently. It would have been humorous and embarrassing, which would have ended with you storming off the loo before he even considered pissing. It would have turned in to an interesting anecdote, which would have been shared with the entire family. But tonight you were speechless. Tonight, it seemed wrong. And tonight, he didn’t let you off.

The pissing did not stop to your surprise. A long night of drinking, maybe?

As you waited behind the curtain, a curious part of you urged to do the unthinkable. Holding your breath, you maintained absolute silence, drawing the curtain slightly open to asses the situation. He was not, and his visible manhood was clear proof, causing you to close the curtain in an instant.

Yet the image of his exposed genital was imprinted in your brain clear enough, it would probably last your whole life. You tried so hard not to let your thoughts dwell on it’s shape, it’'s color, its length. For it was wrong to merely do so.

More gasps left your lips, the moment the curtain was drawn wide open. Holding on to the towel that could almost fall off you any moment, you breathed deeply as Freddie stared at you. “Liked what you saw, cupcake?” He asked, buckling up his pants during. Embarrassed, you averted your eyes from it. “No… cause there was nothing to see…” “Not for me…” he said, licking his lips, “I’m really liking the view from here…” His gaze was something you had never seen. It was predatory, it was lustful. It was new. Trying not to react to any of that, you exhaled deeply. “Where were you, Freddie?” You were stern with your question. “Ozzy….” He sniffed, wiping his nose with his index finger, “He had a job for me…” “Was it just Ozzy?” “Meh…hehehe” With a shrug, Freddie chuckled, for he could not lie. As long as you’ve known him, he  had never lied to you, you realized. With your sister in mind, you have gathered enough courage for it was now or never. “Look…” you began, “We’re all so glad that you’re back. But you should know, your family needs you, Freddie…”  you said. He stopped smiling. Yet you continued, “It must seem really easy to …” taking a deep breath, you continued, “…shag around…It’s fun I bet…it’s exciting. It’s tempting…” you said, mentally pushing away the image of intimacy with him, “I’m not gonna act like I am a fucking saint cause I’m not but…”  readjusting your towel, you continued, “I care about my family. And I care about you too, Freddie” you said, “So get a grip, alright? I know you can do better than this” As stern as you were, you managed to maintain as sense of calmness with your entire delivery. It possibly could have been the most adult statement you have ever made. And to your surprise, he listened to you.

Nodding, Freddie remained speechless for a few seconds. Looking down, he merely scratched his head. “Right…” he began softly, “…Goodnight”

No name. No nickname. Just ‘Goodnight’. Turning around, he left the bathroom, leaving you alone once again.

Slowly stepping out of the bathtub, you sat on the edge. You wondered whether you have destroyed the good relationship you had with this man within a span of few minutes. Yet, in your gut you knew, you did the right thing.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

You left the next morning, and you left without a trace of guilt. Jackie had gotten better, and Freddie was home once again. And the fact he was there was enough of a reason for you to avoid any awkward encounter anyways.

A few days later, on a fine morning, you were getting ready to head out for lectures. With a piece of toast on your mouth, you walked past Maggie, only to pause on your tracks. You watched her talk on the phone with a huge smile on her face. And from the way she addressed, you could easily guess who it was.

“Was that Jackie?”   You asked the moment she hung up. Maggie nodded. “Yeah…And Y/N…” she said, looking at you with the same smile, “She sounds great” “Yeah?” Smiling back, you were genuinely surprised. “I don’t know whats going on but…” Maggie began, “…apparently Freddie hasn’t been fooling around anymore. Even Jimmy was surprised. Looks like he’s been at home with the girls. This…this is a miracle, Y/N!” Maggie said, as her eyes shone brightly. “Yeah it is…finally” you said, as happiness brimmed within you.

Your conscience was cleared, the weight was lifted off your shoulders. Walking on the pavement, you felt the urge to skip with joy. You felt pride, putting yourself out there to speak up for something worthwhile. And saving a relationship you valued, you really did your part. It was going to be a good day, you knew it.

Until you suddenly felt your hand being violently tugged back. “Wha-?” Turning back with annoyance, your eyes widened with shock.

You felt powerless when Freddie Jackson pushed you against the nearest brick wall by the pub. He looked devastated. With a tired looking face, his alcohol breath landed hot on your face, leaving you startled and confused.

“Freddie?” You breathed, “It’s 9:30 in the morning, why are you drinking?s” Chuckling maniacally, Freddie looked straight at you. “Oh…wouldn’t you like to fucking know!” He drawled. “Wha-?” “Oh Come on! Do it I have to fucking spell it out for you?” “You might have to, cause I have no clue”
Continuing with his chuckles, he leaned in closer to you. So close you could see yourself in his eyes. “You…” he stressed, as his smile disappeared completely, “You’ve always been so different. Different from Jackie and Maggie…” he said.

You gulped. Did you by chance defy him? Was he embarrassed because of what you said? Was he angered?

“And after 4 fucking years, you’ve grown up into someone…so…”

Unable to describe himself, he could only grunt with frustration. Concerned, you stepped away from the wall. “What are you trying to say, Freddie?” You gasped as you felt yourself being pushed back again. Pressing himself against you, he placed his lips next to your ear. “I fucking fancy you, Y/N…” Frozen, you simply couldn’t believe your ears. “Heheh..that’s right….” He chuckled as he continued to whisper, “…my cock…Oh! It gets fucking hard for you. I can’t…fucking…stop thinking about you, Y/N…” he said, brushing his nose against your temple. Chills literally traveled down your spine.

“So…what do have to say about that?”

He asked you, haunting your ears in a low voice. Still frozen with disbelief, you waited. Until a form of breath could even reach your lungs.There it was, your innocent childhood fantasy, come to life in the most, filthy and unethical manner.

“Freddie…I…” You began, impatiently waiting for the rest of the sentence to come out. For how would you answer him now?

______________________________________

Chapter 4 HERE

Tagged: @starlightmornings​​ @rogerfxckingtaylor​​​ @daydreamerinadazedworld​​​ @courtney-thevixeniris​​​ 

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[terrence-silver]

- First of all, Travis will have this tendency of wildly over-romanticizing you. You aren't just pretty - you're drop-dead gorgeous. You aren't just good - you're the best. You aren't just pure - you're literally a god-send heavenly cherub stuck among this filth, awfulness and overall nastiness of a city. You aren't just interesting - you're groundbreaking. There's no subtle, commonplace, normal golden middle grounds with him. It's either or. When the world's bad, it's terrible, irredeemable and deserves to burn down into ashes without second chances from his point of view - so when someone who catches his eye enters his frame of sight, they're not just a little nobody he has a passing interest or attraction towards, they're momentarily the best thing that's entered his life like a warm, clear ray of sunshine - no discussions.

- He'll also probably have more of an interest in your problems then you do, whatever they may be. Sure - you yourself care and worry, of course, but not nearly as much as Travis will. That much is guaranteed, at least. You own money somewhere? He'll offer - no, insist to take care of it. Someone pestering you - he'll offer to take care of that too - and my god, will he ever. Anything bugging you in the slightest? Guess what, he's here for that too. And well, while his methods aren't very orthodox, and very often they border on snapping, violence and intimidation, one can be certain Travis is extremely early on as invested in your life as one can be. Too much even. Like, why does he even care that much, one would ask? He simply does. You don't really even get a say in it. If you don't fancy him caring as much as he does, he'll practically push you into just accepting it. That's that. Because truth of the matter is, he feels needs a purpose and once he finds one, he grabs unto it and holds on for dear fucking breath and if being knee-deep in your affairs helps him both infuse himself in your life and keep him from going insane, he'll go with that without questions. Gives him a reason to live. Even if a very small one.

-Overprotective. Capital O. And of course he is, from his own point of view anyway. Being a cabby and driving through the dangerous, seedy neighborhoods he tends to traverse through nightly, one sees everything humanity has to offer. The worst of the worst. Prostitution. Underage sex workers. Brothels. Drug addicts. Creeps. Pimps. Murders. Suicides. Violence in every shape, way or form. And he knows just how rough and ugly things can get on the streets from a day to day firsthand experience - pair that with his lofty, borderline poetic view of you and you get a potent cocktail of everything from stalking, to hyper-vigilance to being possessive. He almost has this pathological, ingrained need to keep you safe from some ill-perceived danger lurking on and about. Safe from literally everything in this city he has such a lowly, awful opinion of and of course if you prove not to be terribly keen on that, he'll simply resort to following you around in his taxi and just parking outside of wherever you're at at the moment and watching you from his window or review mirror. Keeps his troubled mind at ease.

- It might sound funny, but whatever you're interested in, he's automatically interested in as well, or at least, he'll try to be with all his might. You like that one movie? Guess what, what a coincidence, he is too! (Probably hasn't even seen it, but whatever) That one singer you like! Oh, yeah, he's a big fan of them likewise (Even though he no doubt has yet to hear a single song of theirs, but that's beside the point) Some cause you're supporting? Some idea? Some book? Jesus, he'll just try so damn hard to get on your good side and find a common ground or way to relate that he'll practically invent things you two could connect to even though he previously perhaps never even really cared for after-mentioned thing before you brought it up. He wants, desperately, to be in on your life and whatever it consists of. Whatever tiny hobby, interest and leaning. He feels an immense disconnect from society as a whole, and yes, that includes most of it's popular trends, references, fads and nuances - and through you and the things you care about, Travis feels like he could somehow stay in touch with reality and the flow of humanity he claims to despise as much as he does. He doesn't. Not really. He just feels alienated by it. After all, he’s beyond touch starved, love starved and starved in almost every sense.

- Corny complements and corny phone calls (extremely, and I mean extremely often - not past him to ring up at three in the morning just to re-re-re confirm you’re seeing each other again for your next date) and corny everything. You never thought that this grim, serious, rough and tough taxi driver just spewed the amount of tacky nonsense he would - but referring to you, it wont be past him to in all seriousness call you beautiful, lovely, say you’ve spectacular eyes, lips, hair, skin - that you’re the most gorgeous, breathtaking person he’s ever laid eyes on, but also go into long-winded monologues on how he feels the two of you have this innate bond, this connection, this special tie - that you’re soulmates - that you were just meant to be together - he spares no expenses with flattering, grand terminology and doesn’t care who views it as cheesy or even if you yourself do because he’s convinced deep down that you just yearn for this sort of treatment (he himself sure does) - so, in a sense, he’s kind of a smooth-talker and has a surprising way with words, even though it often comes off juxtaposed with him slipping into his occasional bout of sleaziness and fucking up his own efforts by coming off as almost perversely fixated on you and doing too damn much too soon. Yes, Travis Bickle is synonymous with clingy and you almost wonder what would happen if you ever decided to be bothered by it.

- But, for all his chivalrous and sweet side, man's a ticking time bomb, carrying enough anger issues, emotional baggage and munition to level half of the city block if he put his mind to it. So, that means he'll be jealous and trigger-happy as all hell. Often with no reason. Often for unfounded things. Things big and small alike. You’ve a co-worker you’re friendly with? Someone flirted with you? Someone made an off remark? Looked at you the wrong way? Looked at you in general? Jesus Christ, he’ll be so quick getting into fights and people’s faces when it comes to you. It’s like he’s purposefully looking to be territorial and aggressive and part of him is, to be honest. In fact, scratch that - all of him is. Travis isn’t coy. If he cares, he’ll show it. Pretty deliberately. Going way too far even. The way he sees it, you’re his angel, after all. Nobody can have you and plunge him back into his lonesome ways. And no - they can’t touch you either. Nobody can.

[head-and-heart]

The 100 Highlights - “Pandora’s Box” (5x04)

Hey fam! I’m back again this week to cover the highlights for 5x04, aka. Pandora’s Box. A shitton of stuff happened in this episode so I’m excited to dig through it and share some of my personal highlights with you all!

To view other posts in this series, click here.

With that out of the way, let’s get into it:

GAIA’S HAIR. heart EYES mothafucka!

Ian and Paige both slayed the game with acting this episode! The way Abby’s voice cracks when she says “it was me” and Kane’s look of absolute and complete despair as he kills that Grounder in the arena ... hating himself for it, hating himself for choosing self-preservation (and also for playing Octavia’s game). Wow.

Can we take a moment to talk about how fucked this justice system is? And by fucked I mean TERRIFYING AND AWESOME. Like, the idea that this tyrant gets to decide whether your crime has been forgiven based off of how entertaining your fight was ... And if you fail to perform to the crowd’s approval, then you are stuck in a continuous cycle of kill or be killed every. single. day. until you either win the crowd’s favour or die. That’s metal as hell, man. 

“Do I have your attention now?” yes Captain Daddy

I could listen to Bellamy and Charmaine negotiate all day. They both carry such an intensity with them and that entire scene they had together was fire. We’ve never really gotten to see Bellamy take a hand at diplomacy in this way before and it feels so good to see him taking on a role as a recognized leader by the antagonist on this show. It really feels like this is where his character arc has been leading him and I’m just *chokes* so proud of my son. If Charmaine and Clarke and Bellamy were the only three leaders on this show, perhaps they could strike a deal. *sigh* Alas, that is not the case.

THAT BELLARKE SCENE YO

THE WAY THAT BELLAMY PAUSES IN THE DOORWAY, AS IF TO MAKE SURE SHE’S REAL. AND THE WAY SHE STARES AT HIM LIKE SHE’S NOT SURE IF HE’S REAL EITHER OR JUST A HALLUCINATION. I MEAN GOD. AND THEN HE FREAKING HELPS HER UP AND IT’S SO SOFT AND INTIMATE AND I’M WEAK.

“You’re really here.” *cue my Shakespearean death* HER LIP WAS TREMBLING FAM I CAN’T DEAL

“Clarke, you saved us all.” “And now you’re home.” CAUSE HOME IS WITH HER. The tears in Clarke’s eyes reflect the tears in my soul.

WE GOT TWO HUGS IN ONE SCENE GUYS. THIS IS A NEW RECORD LIKE F UCK

ALSO CAN WE FREAKING TALK ABOUT HOW FUCKING SENSUAL THAT SHOT OF BELLAMY’S HANDS ON CLARKE’S ALMOST BARE BACK WAS AND NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT IT???? CAUSE I STILL HAVEN’T FOUND MY WIG #SexiestTVMoment2k18

Also, I will never, never, ever stop screaming about this shot:

OR THIS ONE

IT LOOKS LIKE THEY WERE MAKING OUT FAM.

Speaking of which, the cinematography in this episode was Something Else. It has some of my favourite shots of the entire series (including the wide shot I’ve included).

“And they call me the cockroach.”

Which brings us to THIS:

LOOK ^^ LOOK HOW FUCKING FOND HE IS. BELLAMY AND CLARKE LAUGHING TOGETHER. AND HE’S JUST LOOKING AT HER WITH THIS FUCKING EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE LIKE SHE IS HIS WHOLE GODDAMN WORLD

LOOOOOOOOOKKKKKK

The hand on her shoulder and the way he says “we gotta go” ... so freaking soft I need help

KILL THE HOSTAGE TAKER AND HIS GIRLFRIEND KILL THE HOSTAGE TAKER AND HIS GIRLFRIEND KILL THE HOSTAGE TAKER AND HIS GIRLFRIEND KILL THE HOSTAGE TAKER AND HIS GIRLFRIEND KILL THE HOSTAGE TAKER AND HIS GIRLFRIEND KILL THE HOSTAGE TAKER AND HIS GIRLFRIEND KILL THE HOSTAGE TAKER AND HIS GIRLFRIEND KILL THE HOSTAGE TAKER AND HIS GIRLFRIEND KILL THE HOSTAGE TAKER AND HIS GIRLFRIEND

So ... The Dark Year = cannibalism ... right?

I really appreciate all the callbacks to Aurora Blake this season. It’s important to remind the audience where these characters came from, how they ended up the way they are.

“Octavia, please. Strength without mercy is nothing. It’s nothing.” THANK YOU FOR FINALLY VERBALIZING THIS ON THE SHOW. Y’ALL DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW HAPPY THIS LINE MAKES ME. Like, I feel like in the latest seasons the show has started to feel a bit like it is romanticizing violence in a way that really grateS on me by presenting it as being “badass” rather than brutal. But this line here doesn’t make bloodsport out as being badass, but as being weak. And I needed that.

Can we talk about Indra saying that she made sure to match up Kane with a weaker opponent the second time? She’s looking out for him however she can, even behind Octavia’s back. She could have told Octavia the truth about Abby, but she didn’t - she allowed Kane to make his own choice. I’m such a weak bitch for this friendship guys

“What have we done?” “What we had to do to survive.” “How many times can we tell ourselves that? [...] No, it’s what we say to justify the horror we inflict on each other. I can’t do it anymore.”

^ THIS ^ LINE ^ 

I have to admit that after hearing the trademark “what we had to do to survive” line in the trailer I rolled my eyes. How many times have we heard that one? But I was so wrong about how it would be implemented into the show and I’M SO PLEASED?? Cause for once, someone actually pointed out the hollowness of those words. They’ve said them so many times that they don’t mean anything anymore. They’re just an empty way of justifying the terrible things that these characters have done to keep themselves and their people alive. But after a certain number of atrocities have been committed, can you really continue to use that excuse? Or is there a limit to all the bloodshed? I’m just so happy that it has finally been verbalized how meaningless that string of words has become.

Kabby has been getting scenes that feel like they’ve been pulled straight out of fic this season

I really am intrigued by Abby’s storyline this season, though. I think it’s going to be her best character arc yet. The 100 has dealt with drugs in their storylines before but the idea of addiction and the trauma it cause isn’t something that has really been touched on in this show before so I’m excited to see where it goes.

Abby promising to stop taking the pills only to ... try to take the pills later in the episode. That was painful. But it shows that the road to recovery isn’t easy. 

Loved the little commentary on the four different Eligius ships. What happened to Eligius III? Shannon Kook anybody? I’m so excited to find out what happens with that plotline.

Listen fam: I am so here for Bellamy appearing out of the light like an avenging angel in all of his dramatic entrances this season. That’s my mans. 

“I knew you’d come.” I LOVE how this echoes Madi’s “Clarke knew you would come.” The two most important people in Bellamy’s life having faith in him? My Biggest Kink. 

The Blakes are dysfunctional as fuck and I get really conflicted about their relationship but that hug was nice. I like how Octavia’s walls just completely fell down around her in that moment. It’s nice to know that there’s a human somewhere underneath that armor.

Also ... Clarke and Bellamy propelling into the bunker together? I love two (2) dramatic soulmates.

Clarke and Bellamy’s identical “dafuck happened down here OCTAVIA” looks are lowkey the best part of this episode. The couple that judges together fucks together ... wait. 

“Love the warpaint by the way.” I take it back ... THIS is the best part of the episode.

CHARMAINE JUST HAS SUCH A PRESENCE FAM, like that bitch steals every single scene. She has such a subtle yet condescending tone when she is talking to Octavia? Like, I was really amazed during my rewatch of this interaction with Octavia. It’s like she managed to strip her bare with just a couple words. She is not intimidated by Octavia’s facade, and it brings out this vulnerability in O. Makes her seem small. DIYOZA IS SO POWERFUL

Diyoza and Bellamy’s matching “what the fuck” looks when Octavia told them they should only be prepping for 814 people ... y’all. 

This is one of those scenes where I don’t know whether it is supposed to be comical or not but it’s just ... so fucking funny guys. Like, I can’t get over it. I will never be over it.

THE RAVEN SHOWING UP ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN. I LOVE THAT CALLBACK TO 3X16 SO MUCH GUYS LIKE RAVEN REYES IS A FREAKING BADASS

“Real cute.” SOMEONE TELL ME HOW IT IS POSSIBLE FOR TWO CHARACTERS TO HAVE SO MUCH CHEMISTRY WHEN THEY HAVE NEVER EVEN SHARED A SCENE TOGETHER. TELL ME HOW.

Murphy taking a nap in the cryo pod ... tell me why I love this idiot so much?

LISTEN, LISTEN. I may not be into it romantically but Lindsey and Richard slay every single scene together and Murphy and Raven’s scenes are always SO good. Like, Murphy telling Raven that he’ll be the one to pull the plug? Because everyone expects him to be the shitty one anyway? Because that’s who he expects himself to be? He thinks he has nothing left to lose, he already hates himself so much. It makes my heart hurt. Every once in awhile Murphy manages to be heroic in a way that isn’t considered to be conventionally heroic. But it is, because its Murphy. Wow, I Am Emotion.

“Why do you always have to be the one to sacrifice?” “This girl is some kind of genius.” RAVEN REYES GETTING THE APPRECIATION SHE DESERVES CAN I GET A HELL YEA

Bellamy trying to hold onto Octavia’s hand as she rises up towards the heavens? Hmmmmmmmm 

The return of Charmaine, McCreary and Bellamy’s “WHAT THE FUCK” faces as Gaia starts leading the chant as Octavia rises. Goddamn why is this so funny. THEY WALKED INTO A FUCKING CULT. Jesus the bunker literally looks like a bunch of wackjobs. This episode was a comedic gold mine.

I have to take a moment to SCREAM about the score in this episode. First, “you’re real” was beautiful. (Seriously.) And there were so many other good music moments too, but the soundtrack when Octavia emerged from the bunker was straight up epic. That’s the kind of music that gives me goosebumps. God, I really hope its released with the soundtrack this year.

Bellamy Blake’s Disappointed Dad Look™ y’all know the one

“Looks to me like someone read Ovid a few too many times.” BELLAMY BLAKE AKA #1 NERD STRIKES AGAIN (but seriously that line was so freaking funny Octavia looks like a scolded puppy phadkwinskakq)

“She even had time to flip me the bird.” askakdniqnqkd I stan him (and Raven)

“Go-Sci’s monstrously hideous, one-legged goalie attempts to defend.” Guys, I’ve discovered the greatest example of verbal irony ever breathed on this show. 

BUT REAL TALK, that soccer scene was SO CUTE. Like, this is what I missed? These small, joyful moments? I honestly think the last one of these truly playful moments we got was possible the car scene in 3x01. It’s been far too long. But they’re so important to break up the tension.

PULL THE LEVER, KROOOOOOONK

When Octavia was shot by that thing I was totally NOT expecting that. The first time I watched the episode I literally jumped up and just went “OHHHHHHHHHHH SHIT”. That is honestly one of the most trippily filmed scenes this show has done. Octavia is losing her shit. This show has really upped the game with how they film explosion scenes.

Listen, I know we aren’t supposed to be rooting for Eligius but I honestly like them, guys. Like I’ve only seen a few episodes of them and I would already die for both Zeke (yes, you read that right - ZEKE) and Diyoza. They both probably make my top five favourite characters. THEY JUST FASCINATE ME. (And come on, Zeke is just so lovable?) 

TO BE HONEST, I don’t care if they win that valley! Fuck, I want them to. I really hope that we get some of our mains teaming up with Eligius this season. That would be the greatest plot twist they could do, having the “bad guys” become the “heroes” (even though neither of those things really exist on this show)

Also, I just want to say: I counted TEN hugs in this episode guys. That has GOT to be a new record.

Ending the episode with one of Bellamy and Clarke’s “what the fuck we gonna do now” looks was the best thing they could have done. Feels like old times. *war flashbacks*

Also, I have something to say. Y’all know I don’t much care for Octavia but i actually think her costume this season is pretty cool. But one thing for your consideration ...

(Source: @coolpops) 

SO. After having actually seen the first four episodes for myself, I think that what the reviewers have said about these being the strongest string of episodes this show has done might have some truth to it. (Although, imo, Season 1 and Season 2 could rival it.) This season has been solid so far, and I’m really excited for all the freaky shit that’s going to go down next episode. The story is picking up!

See y’all next week with “Shifting Sands”!

[vickyelizabethgalan]

Re-Viewing Suicide Squad: Still Just as bad as Before

Hey everyone!

If you read the title of this post, you probably clicked to question my sanity. I, like many, went to watch Suicide Squad when it first came out and I, like many, thought it was insanely terrible. HOWEVER, I also realized it was a fun movie with a great soundtrack and half-way decent acting. Recently, I re-watched the movie because I was running on the treadmill and, in my boredom, decided to watch it free on-demand. What followed was 2 hours and 17 minutes of Will Smith, Viola Davis and Cara Dela-whatever horror movie. I mean, B-movie horror (and that’s insulting movies like “Attack of the 50ft woman”). I’ve decided to write a mini-review about the movie, focusing mostly on the actors and their portrayal of the characters. In an attempt to keep the length of the post shorter, I’m just reviewing the top-billed actors and characters I felt were the most egregious. Without further ado…here’s Suicide Squad: 

Jared Leto: We begin with the Clown Prince and least needed character in the movie. The feelings I have for Jared Leto’s Joker can be summarized with: Does he even count as a joker? With alumni such as Jack Nicholson, Mark Hamill and even the late Heath Ledger, The Joker may be considered one of the most famous comic book villains of all time. However, something that has always been consistent is the Joker’s psychological, however humorous, HUMOR. The Joker is sick and sadistic but there is always, in his mind, a punchline. That is one of the reason’s Leto’s Joker fails. The marketing of the movie focused on how cute it was that he played weird pranks on his co-stars in an attempt to show the world he was “in character”. Sorry to break it to you, but even the Joker would never send Batman a rat or dead pig. He might, however, kidnap your loved one and turn him into a sadistic version of himself 

Ok, fine, this movie didn’t exactly focus on him or his relationship with the Bat, I agree. It did focus (and completely manipulate and romanticize) on his relationship with Quinn, and that might just be the most disturbing part of the film. I, personally, love Harley Quinn. Her craziness and mad love for the Joker is addicting to watch and as Harley’s comic book story-line progresses, it’s even nicer to watch her realize the wrong that is her “mad love” for the Clown Prince. It’s better to watch that Harley realizes how abused she is and attempt to leave (in her own Harley way). Finally, it’s better to watch Harley actually almost succeed in killing the Joker for everything he’s done to her. 

The movie forget something though. Throughout everything, Harley’s love is very rarely reciprocated by Joker and it’s even doubted that Joker could ever feel the same way for Harley. The movie distorts the relationship to make it look like the Joker is willing to “sacrifice” and “care” for Harley and that is seriously out of character for him. The movie is so desperate to re-brand the “mad love”, that there is even a line saying “She was his queen, and god help anyone who dared to disrespect his queen”. The movie greatly misunderstands and misrepresents what Harley is to Joker, a pawn. Don’t believe me? Hollywood Reporter seems to agree and voice my exact worries: 

If there was one constant in the portrayal of the relationship between the two characters in both comic books and animation, it was that Harley loved the Joker more than he did her. Actually, it could be argued that the Joker didn’t love Harley at all — that his occasional sweetness and attempts to woo her were merely manipulative attempts to keep her from being too much of a nuisance. Certainly, there would be countless appearances by the Joker without Harley in which she wouldn’t be mentioned at all, and when the two did share scenes, it was as common for him to be cruel as to be affectionate.

In recent years, this has been addressed in the comics themselves. As Harley has slowly transitioned from supporting player to solo star — the Harley Quinn comic book being a surprise hit for DC Entertainment, leading to multiple spinoff titles in the last few years — her relationship with the Joker has gone from awkward, uncomfortable comic relief to a problem that needed to be solved.

-When Harley Met Joker: A History of the Twisted ‘Suicide Squad’ Love Story

So this is my biggest problem with the entire movie: The Joker is reduced to a Hot Topic shopping, emo tattooed boy who cares and waddles around in a circle of machine guns. The portrayal is a lack of respect to the character who has so much more sophistication than what was portrayed. I’d love to know what Leto was studying so hard while he was mailing condoms and rats, which is just gross, that made him think any of this was ok. Needless to say, I’m not looking forward to seeing him in future installations. 

Margot Robbie: I basically said everything i needed to say about Harley in the Joker section but in general, I’d just love to point out that Robbie is beautiful and does a great job as a beautifully insane diphead. She talks crap for most of the movie and my favorite moment would just be when she blurts out “What was that? I should kill everyone and escape? Sorry, it’s the voices. I’m kidding! That’s not what they really said.” That quote does a really good job of setting the scene for the kind of character Robbie’s Harley Quinn will be. She is fast talking, crazy and eye candy. This, however, is terrible considering in her history, Harley has been all of this and way more. Harley is smart, agile in combat and over-all powerful. So it makes me wonder why we need to pair her with the Joker so much, she really doesn’t need him. Joker was completely unnecessary in this movie but Harley is needed because, along with Deadshot, she basically IS the Suicide Squad. 

Cara Delavigne: Why does this woman think she can act? She really has little to no acting ability and this movie shows it. She is either the least enjoyable part of the movie from how bad her acting is or the opposite, because I was laughing every time she was on screen. I couldn’t help but compare her to Shakira and her “Hip’s Don’t Lie” music video. Enchantress is a character I was unfamiliar with before the movie but I felt like I knew her even less when I saw her character, an archeologist, break a rare artifact upon finding it. I never understood where she came from or what her motive really was. She felt a lot like Apocalypse from X-Men, just some all mighty mutant who wanted to rule the world, original. The part that bothers me the most about her character is that she is brought into the Squad to become the movie’s villain. If it wasn’t for Waller, Enchantress wouldn’t have been a threat. 

Viola Davis: We’re almost done, but no Suicide Squad review would be complete without talking about the Queen, Amanda Waller. This is a woman that is so strong-willed, even Batman follows her order. Viola does an amazing job, as she normally does, BUT, it’s not the best work we’ve seen her do. She seems very disinterested for most of the movie and the audience writes this off as a character trait when really, it’s just the actor who couldn’t care less about the role she’s portraying. Great job but it’s only great because everyone else is so bad.

Will Smith: Now I end this review with the character I consider the redeeming factor of the movie: Deadshot. Before this film, I knew very little about him and now all I know is that he never misses and his daughter is his greatest weakness. Will Smith is an amazing actor and, honestly, if I knew more about Deadshot, maybe I would be able to critique his performance more. For now, he basically gives the movie the motivation it needs to continue and he gives it the character emotion and humanity. He seems to be one of the more fleshed out characters of the film and one of the better characters. 

And this, ladies and gents, is my review of Suicide Squad based on the portrayal of the characters. This is also the first modern movie I have taken to review so please let me know any other movies I should be reviewing. Thanks for reading!

[anhed-nia]

5/6/17: COLOSSAL, aka GODZILLA VS THE SHINING

I have a lot of dreams about killing people. There is no consistency among the victims; sometimes they are dear friends, sometimes they are passing acquaintances, sometimes they are complete strangers.There is no consistency in my motive. Sometimes I make some sort of violent mistake and decide I need to "finish it"; sometimes I'm following the orders of a ringleader; sometimes I have no idea why I did it. There is never, though, a feeling that I enjoyed it. In fact, the violence itself is rarely "on screen" for much of the dream. The sticky, sour feeling of the violence clings to me, but only as a sort of garnish for my feelings about being a murderer. The experience is confusing and sad, and the aftermath is unbearable. You have changed your life, and even your very identity. You have changed the lives of other people forever, and actually terminated another life, and you have no explanation that would ever be the equal of this event. You have gone from being whatever you thought you were--a wife, a father, a teacher, a fireman, whatever you were--to being a murderer. You wonder if you can face the punishment that you absolutely deserve, and also, whether you can even wrap your head around the logistics of running away and "starting over", even though you'll never be able to live with yourself.

The dreams are not, of course, about actual murder.They are about doing something irrevocable. Or more to the point, the fear of doing something that requires absolute and everlasting commitment, that can never be transformed by apologies or rationales. In the first act or so of a human life, virtually everything can be ameliorated by context, forgiven as youthful folly, or later, as something you did when you were a different person. We romanticize the importance of making bittersweet mistakes to the process of maturing. Then one day, you're a certain age, you've graduated from college, you've entered the job market, and others have the same exacting expectations of you that you have had of your parents. Now your behavior is of consequence. It defines who you are as an individual, and describes your ability to value your life and the lives of other people. Your actions have taken on a sort of indelible quality, making up your dreaded permanent record.

This is, as the trailers let you know, part of the premise of COLOSSAL. It was the part that worried me (even though I've just confessed to being something of an aging zygote myself). I thought, do we really need a SCOTT PILGRIM 2? Are we, the human race, doomed to worship at the shiny plastic altars of high school romcoms and "one crazy night" coed adventures no matter our age or generation? I've never been particularly fond of Ann Hathaway in any case, but like, how old is she by now and is she supposed to be that old in this peppy coming of age comedy about a feckless hipster finding herself? I set this concern aside and committed to a screening on the encouragement of its more novel conceit: A straight up kaiju appears in Seoul, and Mme Hathaway discovers that she's controlling it. I hesitated to write about this movie for a long time after I first saw it, because I felt sure that people would be talking about it, nay, obsessing over it. The formula had indeed been proven out by SCOTT PILGRIM, hadn't it? Or even before that, by Joss Whedon, whose exclusive approach is placing flirty fashion plates in high octane sci-fi/fantasy scenarios. I thought that by the time I got to my keyboard, everything I had to say would have been made redundant. However, as of my second helping of this movie, even the Whedonites in my circles don't know what's going on with this movie, so, here I am. 

For a time, COLOSSAL does make good on its more boring promises. Aging party girl Gloria (Hathaway) has just been dumped by her rich bitch boyfriend Tim (Dan Stevens), who is sick and tired of her chronic unemployment and constant gadding about. With nowhere else to go, the erstwhile blogger sensation leaves Manhattan for her vacant family home upstate, where she encounters childhood chum Oscar (SNL alum Jason Sudeikis). Naturally, our narcissistic heroine doesn't remember too much about her apparently charming, rugged, upstanding pal, who seems to have been waiting all these years to show her the love she deserves. He manages to get her flighty attention with the quirky bar he runs, which is "so ironic" and "just like a Wes Anderson movie!" Sometime during what's turning out to be a rolling blackout, Oscar gets boozy Gloria to agree to work at his saloon, creating a great opportunity for the two to couple up. That part of the movie will help this stuck up city girl get back to her unpretentious roots, and then the part of the movie where she learns that a giant monster is physically tied to her will teach her to control her outrageous behavior...right?

Well, that's partly true, but what's MOSTLY true is that after about the first third, COLOSSAL downshifts into a serious and often harrowing drama about addiction and domestic abuse. The first unusual feature of this GODZILLA AND ULTRAMAN'S 500 MIXTAPES OF ETERNAL SUMMER story is that civilian mortality is taken very, very seriously. Anne Hathaway may not be a very good alcoholic--the direction keeps her liquor-fueled crises from feeling organic, and she's always way too put-together, like where was Abbi Jacobson when they were making this?--but she manages to nail the next most important thing, which is Gloria's mindbending horror at the devastation of Seoul. This is probably a good time to disclose my abiding hatred for disaster porn. Even if it centers on Dwayne Johnson tarzanically swinging between crumbling skyscrapers to scoop up errant family members, I am acutely nauseated by "entertainment" about people being blown up and buried alive, as happens absolutely all the time in conditions of war, terrorism, and so-called acts of god. Movies like these, no matter how stupid and breezy, always send chills down my spine. So, on that account, I was deeply gratified to find Gloria immediately and viscerally revolted by the news feed from Korea. But then, she makes the desperate mistake of calling her recently ex'd boyfriend Tim, who has a disturbing reaction to her chosen topic of conversation: "That was nine hours ago. What have you been doing all day?"

At first this just seems like an awkward piece of writing, but it's an important indicator of the film's real focus. Tim really is less interested in massive loss of life and large scale paranormal phenomena, than he is in whether his not-even-girlfriend-anymore is straightening her shit out, and not drinking all night with Oscar and his weird friends. She did, of course, spend all night at the bar, but this is the first time we can tell that Gloria might not be her own biggest problem. Tim seems reasonable at first--of course an independent adult should be gainfully employed, of course people should control their drinking instead of letting their drinking control them. But, his rapid shift of attention from world-changing events to criticizing his loser ex-girlfriend is a major red flag. The fact that Gloria doesn't call him out on this is not only a testament to her guilt, but evidence of something rotten in their relationship.

Meanwhile, Oscar is busy positioning himself as the answer to her prayers. Not only has he set her up with a job, but he begins furnishing her home--first comes a big screen TV, and then a bed, and much more. These gifts are supposedly a response to her specific requests, made during a late, drunken conversation she can't even remember. Oscar's benevolence is therefore a little mysterious, but Gloria is distracted by a bigger mystery: Why it is that the monster emerges in Seoul at the same time each morning, during which she's usually stumbling home from the bar through a playground? That coincidence alone is a little empty, but it gains meaning when she also notices that the creature's physical gestures exactly match her activities (making a phone call, lugging a grocery bag) during these AM sojourns. The next time she's suitably hammered, she decides to prove to Oscar that, using the playground as a sort of game board, she can manifest the monster and make it do whatever she wants. Of course, her being so tipsy results in a clumsy fall, resulting in hundreds of Korean casualties.

Hathaway again produces her impressive, apoplectic shame, which so helps the movie achieve its grave potential. However, while Gloria is feeling the unbearable weight of her responsibility, her would-be hero Oscar is only interested in the fact that, when he helped haul her off the playground, a giant robot turned up in Seoul. Admittedly, that's a pretty wild development, but it's just as important that Oscar seriously lacks empathy. He helps Gloria try to address her predicament, but he doesn't have time for her emotional distress, nor concern for any of the victims--he only has one goal in mind. Like "the one" in a John Hughes movie, he sappily confesses that he's been following the details of her life online ever since she left home, ostensibly because he admires her so much. Savvy viewers will worry that here, COLOSSAL commits the cardinal sin of equating true love with stalking. Personally, I also worried that this was one of those movies where a talented, vital young woman is punished relentlessly for elevating herself above her humble beginnings, ala REALITY BITES and countless others. However, COLOSSAL is a movie that keeps its secrets almost too well, so it's still a welcome surprise when Oscar eventually turns out to have bigger issues than the prideful presumption that he deserves Gloria.

Make no mistake, Jason Sudeikis is the real star of this movie. Many people seemed to have low expectations of him based on his lite comedy track record, but as Oscar, he is capable of often frightening depth and gravity. He begins to reveal his true nature when, intoxicated both literally and by his newfound robot power, he begins stomping around the playground on his own. A horrified Gloria stops him, creating a kaiju battle in Seoul that the global public absolutely loves. Just like in the actual Godzilla franchise, the introduction of a new character makes the once-fearsome creature into a good guy. Oscar takes this pretty hard, especially when the fight turns out to be so very meme-worthy. After a full day of escalating drinking and self-pity, he finally launches an attack on Gloria, which starts as verbal but comes to a nasty physical conclusion. The event is fueled as much by jealousy, as it is by Gloria experimenting with sobreity, which Oscar naturally reads as as a tacit criticism of his drinking. The following day, she visits him at home for the first time, to try to reject the entire household's worth of furniture that he sent over, and we find out how he really lives. Outside, Oscar is a likable, stable-seeming Average Joe who looks like he just stepped out of a truck ad. At home, he's a shambling mess whose inner chaos is reflected by a house that looks a little like something from Hoarders. It becomes clear that his previous romantic affair didn't end due to the woman's "boredom" with him, but with his own destructive behavior. At the sight of a weepy, shame-faced Oscar, Gloria makes two critical mistakes: First, she forgives him, and second, she accepts his tossed off agreement to her inadequate demand that he just stop drinking "after hours". Anyone who has ever dealt with an addict knows where this is going, and actually, where it has been all this time.

Lest anyone think that this narrative turn suggests that Gloria belongs with Tim, the ex shows up in town on the flimsy premise that he's meeting a with a client. He's obviously there to reclaim his woman, but his approach is important: He forgoes reminiscing about the good times, or any form of flattery or affection, for immediately browbeating her about her new waitressing gig. Tim doesn't want Gloria to pull herself up by her bootstraps and make an honest dollar, he wants her to become something that would reflect better on him personally. He's not interested in the loss of life in Seoul because he doesn't have any control over that--he fixates on Gloria, who he could easily replace with a more suitable mate, because he has enjoyed total control over her emotions and her self-esteem. It's not nearly as important for Tim to find companionship as it is for him to retain the passive services of someone he can regularly torture for failing to live up to his personal standards.

The following sequence is terrifying, but for a more subtle reason than that Oscar sets his bar on fire to prove to Tim that Gloria won't leave his side, no matter what he does. Of course, he leaves out the fact that she stays because he's threatened to trounce Seoul any time she's not around to stop him--but, this scene will be familiar to anyone who has ever been in an abusive relationship. Your failure to rebel against the tyrant is humiliatingly obvious to everyone around you. Your fear of what this person will do if you "just stand up for yourself" is not. But more to my point, what is really frightening about this sequence is not the grander consequences, for Gloria and for the world. It's that she's trapped at a table, not with two jealous rivals who want to win her heart, but with two men who are fighting for the exclusive privilege of hating her, with the full force with which a man can hate a woman.

Tim's self-righteous loathing of Gloria may be slightly more innocuous than Oscar's unpredictable mood swings and physical brutality. But, the two do overlap. I will say, from extensive experience, that a man can want you to be both better than him, and worse than him, at the same time, and he will reserve the right to punish you for each. A man can entice you with his admiration for your intelligence, creativity and kindness, all of which is so impressive to a sad little nobody like himself who doesn't deserve you. Unfortunately, this Beauty and the Beast routine always dredges up the dangerous question, "If you can love a piece of shit like me, then what the fuck is wrong with you?" Where your love was once considered a prize, it gradually becomes a crime; where you were once regarded as a saint, you are now seen as some sort of degenerate whore who needs to be taught a lesson. He may accuse you, more benignly, of being a "doormat"--but, if you have the nerve to show a little more confidence, then you're suddenly guilty of throwing a spotlight on his inferiority, again. In one of the easier-to-discuss aspects of the relationship I'm describing, my boyfriend went from courting me at my retail job, to dating me and shaming me for my retail job, to objecting to my job search by accusing me of trying to fuck whoever I'd be working for, to crumbling in a fit of self-hatred when I got a job that he would have actually been proud of. In one of my only displays of bravery, I asked him all the time why he wouldn't just break up with me, if he hated everything I did so much. He changed the subject, finding something new to berate me for, 100% of the time that I asked this question. It took me a long time to realize that the answer was, he liked things just the way they were. He wanted me at the ready whenever he had the urge to play out his twin dramas of being a worthless worm, or an imperious alpha male whose shining light no one truly deserved. I was a sort of sundial by which he could prove something about himself, whatever it was that he was feeling most strongly at that moment. Oscar demonstrates this thinking brilliantly when Gloria tries to stop him from perpetrating another mass murder, by assaulting her and shouting in a twisted non sequitur, "YOU THINK EVERYTHING REVOLVES AROUND YOU! WELL IT DOESN'T, NOT ANYMORE!" If Oscar wants to teach Gloria that she's beneath him, then he's going to have to own her, to make of their relationship a class she can never pass.

Up to this point, Oscar has offered up a textbook's worth of indicators of an abusive boyfriend, without so much as a kiss from Gloria. He spies on her online, he takes advantage of her drunken states to ask invasive questions and trap her into major commitments, he insists on doing her favors that she rejects and then blames her for forcing him to do them, he tries to isolate her from other men, he buys her expensive gifts to keep her in constant debt, he takes control of her income and, later, her ability to go anywhere without him. As is ALWAYS the case, he condemns his absent ex-girlfriend for leaving him for shallow reasons, overwriting the more obvious narrative of alcoholism and intimate terrorism, and inadvertently admitting that he himself fears that he's "boring". The things that he casts as Gloria's virtues--that she was talented from a young age, and ambitious enough to act on his own private dreams of moving to the big city and becoming a writer--are actually the precise things that he has hated about her since early childhood. She even scored the hero role in the conflict playing out in Seoul, where his giant robot inspires only fear and anger. He's going to show her how little she deserves what she has, even if it means beating her with his fists on a playground that children pass on their way to school. (For which I would really like to congratulate the film, actually, you don't usually see this ever outside of  grittier dramas, or more gimmicky pieces like SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY) The end comes into sight when Gloria realizes that Tim's backhanded encouragement isn't a solution to her problems, and more startlingly, that there's probably a patch of land in Seoul that is equivalent to the transcendental playground where Oscar is waiting for her to come and stop his latest rampage. Arriving in Seoul just in time, Gloria manages to manifest her monster in New York. Miraculously, she is able to make it pick up Oscar in its fist, and fling both him and the robot into the nearest (happily coincidental) mountain ranges around each location. It doesn't exactly make a ton of sense, but as I, like Oscar, am burdened by my own damaged subjectivity, I choose to focus on the facets of the film that fulfill my own emotional needs, which includes this terminal act of vengeance. 

I truly wonder how a lot of men view this film, which doesn't employ the same cartoony cliches as typical thrillers about stalkers and bad boyfriends, with their broad-strokes depictions of rape, child endangerment, imprisonment, and beatings. It would be very easy for most men to identify themselves as "not THAT guy" in movies like ENOUGH and THE BOY NEXT DOOR (sorry, J-Lo, but what the fuck?) and be done with the topic, silently reassuring themselves that their actual shitty behavior is no big deal. Even though the United States is currently dealing with actual legislation to decriminalize rape, public awareness has still come a lot farther regarding what constitutes misogyny, than where we were at when I was a teenager, or even in my 20s. My most abusive partner would instinctively proclaim his lefty ally status by invoking his non-white and non-straight and non-male friends at every opportunity, but he didn't know enough not to say to my friends that an annoying acquaintance "needed to get raped". He didn't have the critical thinking necessary to stop himself from sleazily denouncing women who wouldn't help him cheat on me as "only dating black guys". He didn't have the self-confidence nor social consciousness to stop worrying about whether people thought he was a "faggot". Looking back, it's amazing how educated young men, who considered themselves to be on the right side of history, were able to differentiate between wife-beating guns and god people, and their own white knight selves, even though the two groups espoused utterly the same feelings. In a world before the concepts like revenge porn and slut-shaming were widely acknowledged, legions of guys like my abusive ex were especially able to deny their cultural contribution to violence against women, and define their own issues as unique "personal problems" that they could blame individually on "crazy" girlfriends, or high school traumas, or parents who didn't love them enough. I haven't had to find out, luckily, but I've often wondered how men like my ex feel when they watch their heroes on Comedy Central and the like, explicitly damning the behavior of people exactly like themselves. I wonder how my Nerdist-wannabe ex feels when he watches a nerd-baiting action-comedy like COLOSSAL, that turns out to contain an almost academic examination of the way he treated me. I also wonder how I would feel if I had the ability to hurl his helpless body into a mountainside. For better or worse--certainly better, for him--all I can do is write.