sblawyerssaudiarabia

[a-shrieking-cloud-of-bats]

perpetually torn between learning to socialize and letting the antisocial rot consume me

honestly a big part of why I come back during social media breaks is that I feel like I’m enjoying being alone too much

like is this actually better for me or am I avoiding learning to speak in favor of hiding from the world again

admittedly in real life I profoundly do not want to talk to most people either so I need to get over that somehow to actually develop social skills because if I am not motivated words burble out of my mouth like water rather then like complete formed sentences

and of course adding to this conundrum is the fact that I live in a midwest suburb which naturally tends to attract a certain type of person that I feel like I cannot talk to about mental illness

additionally a lot of them tend to be very loud which hampers my ability to think which hampers my already paper thin ability to speak

while I’m on the subject of pain in the ass societal shit, living in a conservative midwestern suburb has lead me to putting a significant amount of social worth on being in a relationship and I have been trying to kick that, because I don’t think I can manage a relationship with anyone other then The Ideal which is obviously probably not going to happen around here, but god damn there sure are a lot of insults that essentially boil down to “does not fuck + bad at talking” aren’t there

boy combined with the fact that I’m trying to become more personable that keeps yanking my ass back into also attempting to pursue a relationship that will almost certainly bite me in the ass in a big way doesn’t it

and the thing that gets me the most is that a lot of this shit is still very much present among the far left, probably not like in people that actually know what they’re talking about but clearly it’s bouncing around enough for this sort’ve thing to be present

maybe just a Person Thing but damned if it isn’t super disheartening anyway

[whitehotharlots]

CRT and the sad state of educational politics

If our culture is studied 100 years from now, the predominant theme of the research will be a sense of perplexed revulsion toward how we did nothing to address the climate crisis in spite of having decades of forewarning. If there is a second theme, it will be a profound confusion regarding our immense and unearned sense of self-certainty. A retrospective of the early twenty first century would be titled something like Who the Fuck Did These People Think They Were? 

The latter theme is illustrated in the debacle surrounding a recent slew of municipal and statewide bills that seek to ban the teaching of Critical Race Theory (CRT) in public schools. For the record, I am strongly against these bans. But I’m also self-aware enough to know my opinion matters very little, and therefore realize that an analysis of the discussion surrounding the bills will yield much more worthwhile observations than a simple delimitation of their pros and cons. Regardless of your personal opinion, I hope you’ll humor me.

I am, in some regards, a moral absolutist. But I also realize that abstract morality has very little bearing on material and political realities. In my ideal world, classrooms are free from political meddling. Teachers teach to the best of their ability, presenting students with truths that are confidently unvarnished due to the thorough amount of work that was required to reach them. I don’t cotton any of that socratic bullshit. Students are there to learn, not to engage in weird Gotchas with some perverted elder. The teacher’s job is to teach. The material they teach needs to be subjected to some graspable and standardized mechanism of truth adjudication before it is worthy of being taught. Teaching is not therapy. Teaching is not poetry. Teaching is not love, nor is it religion, nor is it a means of social or political indoctrination. There are plenty of other avenues available to accomplish all of those other things. Teaching is teaching. 

That’s the ideal. But ideals are just ideals. They never come true. The art of teaching, regardless of setting--from overpacked classrooms to face-to-face instruction to curricular design to nationwide pedagogical initiatives--boils down to a teacher’s ability to reconcile the need to convey truths with social and political pressures that are heavily invested in the suppression of truth. 

I have formally studied and practiced education for nearly two decades. In that time, the prevailing political thrust toward education has been a desire to casualize the practice of teaching, to render educators as cheap and fungible as iphones. The thrust takes different shapes depending on the political affiliation of whomever happens to be in charge of the state and federal governments that fund education, but the ultimate desire is always the same. The goal is always to attempt to make teaching rote and algorithmic, something akin to running a google search for How to do math? or What is morality?. The framing is always just windowdressing, empty culture war bullshit. 

Maybe it’s the inescapability of this thrust that’s rendered so many educators so blind to it? We only have nominal political choice, after all. The discourse gets more blinkered and vicious as the stakes decrease. At any rate, this is the undeniable reality, and anyone who doesn’t see that isn’t worth listening to. 

Non-administrative per-pupil spending as been on a steady decline since George W. Bush was president. Administrative bloat and meddling are becoming as common in k-12 as they are in higher education. The will of parasitic NGOs are implemented as common sense pedagogy without anyone even bothering to ask for any proof that they work. The so-called Education Reform movement is sputtering out due both to its manifest failures and rare, bipartisan backlash. But it will be replaced with something just as idiotic and pernicious. The thrust of causalization will not abate. 

And so what do we decide to do? What’s the next big thing on the education policy horizon? Critical Race Theory. 

Okay, this makes sense. In 2021, a local paper can’t run a news story about a lost cat without explicitly mentioning the race of every human involved and possibly also nodding toward the implied cisnormativity of pet ownership. So it makes sense that this broad rhetorical mandate would come to dominate the transitional period between Bush-Obama Education Reform and whatever bleak future awaits us. The controversy is so perfectly inefficacious that its adoption was inevitable. Because, seriously, it doesn’t matter. Regardless of the outcome of this kerfuffle, no problems will be solved. The real shortcomings of public education will not be addressed. Larger social problems that are typically blamed on public education in spite of having little to do with public education will especially not be addressed. Maybe white kids will have to do struggle sessions in lieu of the Pledge of Allegiance. Maybe black kids will get full credit for drawing the Slayer logo in the part of the test where their geometric proof is supposed to go. Or maybe it won’t happen. Maybe instead these practices will be banned, and in turn liberals will begin to embrace homeschooling, the charter movement will be given new life as a refuge against the terrors of white supremacist behaviors such as, uhh, teaching kids to show their work. Whatever.

Within the context of public education, the outcome will not matter. It cannot matter. There will be broader social impacts, sure. It will continue to drive Democrats more rightward, providing their party’s newly woke corporate wing with progressive-sounding rationales for austerity. But so far as teachers and students are concerned, it won’t matter.

Why do I give a shit about this, then? To put it bluntly, I’m struck by the utter fucking inartfulness of CRT’s proponents. At no point has any advocate of CRT presented a case for their approach to education that was at all concerned with persuading people who aren’t already 100% in their camp. There’s been no demonstration of positive impacts, or even an explanation of how the impacts could hypothetically be positive. In fact, so much as asking for such a rationale is considered proof of racism. Advocates posit an image of existing educational policies that is absolutely fantastical, suggesting that kids never learn about slavery or racism or civil rights. But then... then they don’t even stick with the kayfabe. They’ll say “kids never learn about racism.” In response, people--mostly well-meaning--say “wait, umm, I’m pretty sure they do learn about racism.” The response is “we never said they don’t learn about racism.” You’ll see this shift from one paragraph to the next. It’s insane. Absolutely insane. 

Or take this talk from a pro-CRT workshop in Oregon. The speaker freely admits that proto-CRT leanings like anti-bias education, multiculturalism, and centering race in historical discussions have been the norm since the late 1980s. The speaker admits that these practices have been commonplace for 30+ years, as anyone my age or younger will attest. Then, seconds later, the speaker discusses the results of this shift: it failed. Unequivocally:

We had this huge, huge, huge focus on culturally relevant teaching and research. [ ... ] So you would think that with 40+ years of research and really focusing and a lot of lip service and a lot of policies and, you know, a lot of rhetoric about cultural relevancy and about equity and about anti-bias that we would see trends that are significantly different, [but] that’s not what we’re finding. What we’re finding that you see [is] that some cases, particularly black and brown [students] the results, the academic achievement has either stayed the same and gotten worse.

Translation: here’s this approach to teaching. It’s new and vital but also we’ve been doing it for 40 years. It doesn’t work. But we need to keep doing it. Anyone who is in any way confused by this is a dangerous racist. 

Even in the darkest days of the Bush-era culture war, I never saw such a complete and open disregard for honesty. This isn’t to say that Bush-era conservatives weren’t shit-eating liars. They were. But they had enough savvy to realize that self-righteousness alone is not an effective way of doing politics. You need to at least pretend to be engaging with issues in good faith. 

This is what happens when a movement has its head so far up its own ass that it cannot comprehend the notion of good-faith criticism. These people do not believe that there can exist anyone who shares their basic goals but has concerns that their methods might not work. Their self-certainty is so absolute and unshakeable that they can proffer data demonstrating the complete ineffectiveness of their methods as proof of the necessity of their methods.

For decades, the most effective inoculation against pernicious meddling in education has been to lean upon the ideal form of teaching I described earlier in this post. We claimed that teaching is apolitical and that no one is trying to indoctrinate anybody. Regardless of the abstract impossibility of this claim, it has immense and lasting appeal, and it was upheld by a system of pedagogical standards that allowed teachers to evoke a sense of neutrality. The prevailing thrust in liberal education is to explicitly reject any such notions, and no one--not a single goddamn person--has proffered a convincing replacement for it. We still say, laughably, that we’re eschewing indoctrination. But people aren’t that stupid. If you find it beneath yourself to make your lies digestible, people will be able to tell when you’re lying to them. 

This, my friends, bodes very poorly for the future of education, regardless of whatever happens in the coming months. A movement that cannot articulate its own worth is not one that is long for this world. Teachers themselves are the only force that can resit the slow press toward the eventual elimination of public education, and they have embraced a worldview and comportment style that renders them absolutely unable to mount any worthwhile resistance. 

[megapotatosaurus]

hey guys, rebelbaze responded!!  once again in the comments of my last post rather than a reblog so if you want to see their full comments just go to that link.

“Your argument is largely based on not understanding wht the LGBT community is for, what its activism looks like, and what LGBT specific resources could do. Please edcuate yourself further.” -rebelbaze

Sure, I’m always looking to educate myself further on LGBT+ matters.  But I know perfectly well what the LGBT+ community is for.  It’s for people like me, and @ghiraheeheeheem and everyone else with a sexuality or gender identity that has been oppressed and erased for centuries.

“Nah, my request for “better sources” was sources not from tumblr, not with studies that are a. old enough to be obsolete and b. have been debunked, and c. did not directly contradict the point they were trying to make that aces face “similar” discrimination to LGBT folk. Which, again, none of his sources proved AND neither do any of your sources. The discrimination you are talking about most closely resembles MISOGYNY not homophobia or transphobia“ -rebelbaze               

So, I went to the trouble of providing you with actual published research from scientific journals specifically concerned with human sexuality and that’s not the kind of evidence you want or consider valid.  Aaaaaalrighty then.  Also, neither of the papers I cited were directly trying to prove that aces face similar discrimination to other LGBT+, they were analysing the experience of ace people using interview techniques and questionnaires and in the case of Brotto et al., some evaluation scales.  They neither contradicted nor supported the point, I merely drew the connection in support myself as there was discussion of asexuals facing the kind of discrimination LGBT+ people do face.

However, I did go and find another article which I think you will like and find helpful to your understanding of the topic :]  It’s called “Making Sense in and of the Asexual Community: Navigating Relationships and Identities in a Context of Resistance“ by CJ Chasin, 2015.  The original article is here and once again I would be happy to provide you with the full text for free by email or some other means if you cannot access it, just message or /ask me.  It actually makes a point of discussing and positively comparing the experience of the asexual and homosexual struggle - that is say, an actual qualified researcher and social psychologist who has reviewed all of the literature on the topic (because that’s what this paper is, a review and discussion of the available literature on the topic) agrees that the experience of homophobia and aphobia is “parallel” (Chasin, 2015) in society.

So.  Want any more sources?

Moving on:

“And, like, cishet aces ARE invading the community using the EXACT same rhetoric kinky cishets, polyamorous cishets, and even pedophile cishets have used in the past (and present!) to attempt to say that they are oppressed and part of the LGBT community. Our oppressors trying to get into our spaces and say we owe them support can be codified as nothing other than invaders.” -rebelbaze

Oh boy, I love it when asexuals get compared to pedophiles and other sexual deviants!  (Not to suggest that kinks and polyamory are deviant, though that’s certainly what @rebelbaze is suggesting by thoughtlessly lumping them all in with pedophiles.)  Kind of reminds me exactly of how homosexuals get compared to pedophiles!  Not to mention the way trans people get compared to pedophiles!  Hmmm!  Aphobia and homophobia and transphobia are so not equivalent!  Nobody’s pulling the exact same shit on absolutely everybody who has some kind of ‘abnormal’ sexuality or gender identity!!  Especially not people within the very LGBT+ community which is supposed to be promoting and supporting the rights of these people to exist!!!!

Come on.  Can you really not hear yourself?  I mean, in all honesty, you seem very concerned about the oppression of our people and that could be an admirable trait if used properly.  But if you use the same weapons against others in our group that our oppressors do, can’t you see you’re no better than them?  There’s no shame in coming to realise that you’ve been misinformed about an issue.  In fact, it’s more admirable to admit that you were wrong than to continue arguing yourself into a corner based upon a lie, and a vicious and destructive lie at that.

I’ll address one more point on that topic:

“Because, again, the LGBT community isn’t about anyone who is marginalized (otherwise FURRIES can make a better case than cishet aces, as furries have had their conventions literally GASSED), it is about those SPECIFICALLY oppressed by homophobia and transphobia. Like, can you name a single major LGBT Issue that wasn’t based around homophobia and transphobia?” -rebelbaze

How about biphobia?  Because that’s a very real and distinct thing from homophobia, more similar to aphobia in many ways.  Bi people are routinely erased, told they’re “going through a phase”, that they’re not welcome in the community because they can potentially fit in with the heteronormative ideal (oh look it’s what we’re discussing right here right now but for ace people) or that they’re actually just straight but horny or actually secretly gay, just the same way asexuals are told that they’re repressed or just victims of abuse, just the way that gay men are often theorised to have been victims of abuse.  I could keep looping around and linking up all of the different x-phobic arguments: they have more that binds than separates them.  And asexuals, as noted in each of my papers, also have the unique challenge of not being understood by ANYONE who experiences sexual attraction.  They’re doubly cursed and doubly vulnerable to people such as yourself telling them they don’t belong.  Which is why I am of the opinion that we should be extra welcoming to all kinds of asexual people, cishet or lesbian or gay or genderqueer or trans or whatever else, because there are even less people who understand them than the sexualities with a much larger and well-established movement and publicity.

And one more LGBT+ issue not based around homophobia/transphobia  - how about the experience of LGBT+ POC?  As you’re arguing that misogyny/rape culture issues have no place in this debate, you could also argue that race issues should be kept out of the LGBT+ space, but once again, in my opinion those who face extra marginalisation in society should be invited in and allowed to celebrate and express themselves using the context of their own experience.  Like I said in my last post, just because they might not fit your image of who belongs in your group doesn’t mean they don’t belong.  It’s a very broad spectrum and so we need a broad gaze.

Our struggles are all different, but equivalent, and each legitimate.  In the face of so much institutionalised hatred, we must support one another, not weaken the movement with in-fighting and cruelty using the very weapons used to oppress us.

[appreciatedinretrospect]

Kendrick Lamar DAMN Album Review

“The best way for me to put it, To Pimp A Butterfly would be the idea of the thought of changing the world…DAMN would be the idea that I can’t change the world until I change myself.”    

- Kendrick Lamar speaking to Zane Lowe.

My first impression of DAMN was how Mike D of the Beastie Boys described A Tribe Called Quest in their documentary ‘Beats Rhymes & Life’ saying that there were “party records but with a consciousness.” It’s the core element of hip hop to have both ends of equation without it being contradictory.

Lamar speaking to Lowe, goes on to explain how he is a vessel of God, relaying the message of life by making it honest. By depicting each of these human emotions through the lens of his personal experience makes the relative into the absolute. You have to be able to look inward to approach the bigger picture. It's about discussing both ends of the spectrum contextually rather than being schizophrenic in subject matter. In fact it's the opposite of it. There are few records more focused. That’s where the concept of the album comes in. There’s duality within all of us.

DAMN takes multiple listens creating an experience in an age where the LP is under attack by the way we consume music. Conscious of that, Lamar made something that would combat passive listening by making something you have to pay attention to. Every step of the way heightens the experience. That within itself makes this album a classic.

Lamar always finds a way to progress his sound as well as the concept or weight of an album. Each bar on each track on each album represent all of us as well as Lamar with a level of genius and calculation that’s refreshing in the year 2017. Anyone who’s a fan of Section.80, good kid, m.A.A.d city, or To Pimp a Butterfly won’t have an issue getting into DAMN. The goal was to make it raw Hip Hop but with a grand purpose. “Party records with a consciousness.”

Ain’t nobody praying for me.

Blood-

"It's a new life” Lamar stated speaking to Zane Lowe.

Features lush instrumentation and harmonies that are like a mournful Marvin Gaye song. Kendrick describes a situation of helping a blind woman but ends up losing his life in the process. It’s the calm before the storm. In true rebel music fashion, the track ends with Eric Bolling and Kimberly Guilfoyle from Fox News ignorantly discussing the lyrics of To Pimp A Butterfly’s Alright. Punk rock and telling of various degrees of human interaction.

DNA-

This is an immediate and energetic drop into the album taking on an array of themes over a sample of a live version of Rick James’ Mary Jane and Ha by Juvenile. More of an ambiguous socio political statement rather than a direct message while still having a proclamation of authenticity. DNA does everything you want a hip hop song to do to you. When you hear punk you know how you want to feel viscerally. This is what Kendrick is doing with hip hop.

Heavy bass and drums at 130 bpm and ending it with a sample from Geraldo Rivera, another punk rock jab at the right wing media. "Me recognizing the world around me, the lifestyle... from a famous perspective…"

Yah-

Yahweh, a Hebrew name for God in the Bible embodies the theme of the track. Using reverse loops Lamar curates a vibe that its energetically the poor opposite of the previous track.

Covering religion, racial identity and improper right wing media with the agenda to spread hate and hypocrisy. A consistent beat gives Lamar the platform to express his inner thoughts without being in a hurry.

Element-

Featuring production from James Blake, Sounwave, Ricci Rivera, a contribution from Kid Capri and a sample of Fleurie’s Don’t Let Me Down.

The first lines of this track give me chills every time I hear it. They’re some of my favorite lyrics of all time. "I'm willing to die for this shit, I done cried for this shit, might take a life for this shit." A proclamation blatantly stating love for the art. “I don't do it for the gram I do it for Compton." This isn't about vanity and arbitrary social constructs. This is my life and the lives of others. The power of music and knowing where you come from. Lamar tells tales of self sacrifice, on the cross for a grander purpose. Piano and beat driving the track over 808 style drums.

*(Element was one of the first ideas for the album)

Feel-

Ain’t nobody praying for me.

Another lower dynamic track features a sample of O.C Smith’s Stormy and production from Sounwave, as well as contribution from Thundercat. Lamar discusses themes of isolation, feeling alien, questioning life and your surroundings. Inner dialogue in moments of solitude. Your mind can be evil when you're alone but it can also clear the smoke when there's clearly a fire. All you can do is express yourself after that. Sometimes it's finding catharsis and other times it's exploding. I'm supposed to be the Savior but ain't nobody praying for me. Lamar references I Am Legend to depict his loneliness and acknowledgment of being at the top of the game with little competition with the pressure it comes along with.

Loyalty-

One of the few tracks to have a feature beyond a contributor to the production. It shines a light on artistry and representation of women by having Rhianna give her perspective of Loyalty.

You have to maintain honesty and loyalty to yourself and those you love. Ride or die mentality. You can be compromised or bastardized by external factors including temptation or fame.

Pride-

Lamar consciously made Pride more of a slower, lower dynamic track than what follows giving the album that introspective juxtaposition. Pride can be dangerous, but it can also be a tool to use. Lamar correlates those concepts of Pride to religion while still observing the self and his surroundings. For people of color pride has a very different connotation. It's not arrogance but knowing you're beautiful and you belong when society constantly makes feeble attempts to tell you otherwise.

Humble-

This banger is about duality and authenticity. It’s fun, socially conscious and a perfectly constructed hip hop song for any context. In case any of you were questioning it, yes this brotha is your savior. Who else presently can stunt and keep it real over piano and drums at this level of excellence?

Lust-

Lust is trying to fill a void with a biological need. We all seek out something to fill that void even at the point of it being unhealthy or even mundane. Mundanity might be even worse in this context. If we’re not actually seeking real human connection tot the point that it’s becoming redundant, are we really living? Like a junkie looking for a fix. Lamar brings the vibe back down to make his point as clear as possible over reverse loops and harmonies.

Love-

Featuring Zacari, Lamar dives into Lust’s alternative counterpart rather than its polar opposite.

The concept of love and the feeling of love in the midst of the madness of the album.

If we’re looking through the lens of Kendrick Lamar to observe these human qualities love has to be featured in that. Love explores the biological and innate feeling of giving and receiving love in its purest form as well as analyzing that love.

XXX-

Features a sample of James Brown’s Get Up Off That. Without feeling schizophrenic, Lamar makes a hip hop song with stark movements. Each of them sounding vastly different than the last while still being inherently cohesive like an opera. Harmonies reminiscent of Blood’s intro open the track leading into 808 drums and heavy bass while Lamar spits almost almost whispered lyrics before a siren effect brings him up to his upper register depicting what would happen if he lost his son in a conversation with a friend struggling with that exact reality.  

"Can you pray for me? If someone killed my son that mean somebody getting killed.” Then a not so out of character feature from U2 accompanies a blunt political commentary describing the world we live in right now. "Homicidal thoughts Donald Trump is in office. We lost Barack and promised to never doubt him again." We're all human and capable of evil as well as good. Coping with spirituality and life as a venn diagram. Sometimes they fall under the same category and sometimes they don't. Both are valid because it's apart of the human experience. Bono’s lyrics imply that America isn't a destination but a feeling or a concept.

Fear-

Features production from Alchemist and a sample of The 24 Carat Black’s Poverty’s Paradise.

Fear takes you to a very specific place that many human beings can relate to. And if they can't Kendrick conveys that scene by painting the picture. The anxiety of living on the edge and uncertainty. Especially as a child and the pressure it puts on you throughout your life. It shapes you. Each verse takes you to the specific fears that come with the ages of 7, 17 and 27.  

Physical fear, fear of dying young and being a number, fear of losing what you've built, etc.

God-

God serves as the penultimate of the album. What could sound like a nostalgic care free party song in the distance is actually a personal telling of mortality and success. The grandest achievements can actually feel like the power of God. It can feel like you are God yourself. But the reality is, according to Kendrick, that we are all vessels of God and should be humble enough to remind ourselves and others of that fact.

Duckworth-

Features a sample of Ted Taylor’s Be Ever Wonderful.

Duckworth is 360 reflection of where you began to where you are now to where you're going. The track opens with those same harmonies and Kid Capri stating “what happens on Earth stays on Earth.” DAMN’s final track might actually serve as its most important. The decisions you make with a stranger will not only change their life and yours but maybe create something outside of the two of you. A man is so self destructive that he goes back to the same restaurant a year after he robbed it to do the same thing. Because of understanding the circumstances of that life Lamar’s father he offers him food instead. 20 years later they find out they know each other because he was Lamar's manager. This is divine intervention. If you treat people with humanity, magic can happen. Try to understand why people are in the situation they’re in and respond instead of reacting.

I would recommend this for just about anyone. I don’t care if you’re a fan or not, or if you listen to hip hop or not. (I judge you if you fall under either of these categories.) There’s something on DAMN for everyone.

You can watch Kendrick Lamar’s interview with Zane Lowe below:

I feel Like something’s missing here...

[redlemonz]

Day #2

As humans we ruin everything we touch, even each other. That’s the first thing I read when turning on my phone this morning randomly (I use this word lightly as I confess I did have some subconscious intention of what themes I was going to look through probably) browsing. Don’t even ask what depressing shit I was looking at. But anyway that phrase - it does speak truths, doesn’t it? We, as the flawed creations we are, all carry our own similar and unique set of flaws that beautifully make us who we are as human beings, but also we disperse these flaws among everyone else in this world so helplessly - it’s kind of like an intangible disease really.

Day #2 - better, but never for long

Much like day #1, though not present in the ramblings of that day - due to focusing on more pressing matters of fucking up her day with flowers, chocolates & a crappy balloon (which she smacked the flowers with in a snap she sent me last night - it was cute & I obviously replayed it), I lay there in bed just after 5am for an hour, rolling around & trying to fix my irreparable, evil head. I quickly reminisced about her voice and the final events of last night, which temporarily filled me with glee & joy, until the reality of a new day without her struck me again. Failing to go back to sleep due to my worst enemy (as aforementioned, my head - me, more self hatred, woo), I once again curled up in a ball on the floor of the shower and let the tears flow freely, merging with the pelting water that struck me. Just to add insult to my own injury, I intentionally decided on making the shower extra hot after the tears flowed away, closed my eyes and imagined her there with me one more time. Not in a sexual way (mostly - though I don’t owe anyone an explanation, but I guess I always feel the need to explain myself because as mentioned on a number of occasions, I am a master at fucking up). She simply appreciated the scorching hot water, especially against her back - temperatures which I can’t usually handle. But I did this time - to feel as though she was with me, even though the fiction was clear.

Work work work - another day, another dolla & more holla.. as I like to say. Or at least I just came up with that. Am slightly in a chipper mood as the aircon in the office is currently nice and freezing - classic facilities management messing up our lives however they can. Why the positive mood though? Probably because subconsciously this chill still reminds me of my weekend - the snow. With her. Best moment ever. Definitely a highlight consisting of low temperature in my life. It brings a smile to my face as I think back to tackling her down into the snow playfully (I think - might not have realised my own strength), us laughing together whilst potentially my toes suffer the effects of what feels like frostbite, and the sweet warmth of her lips in that moment of what could only be described as simple, pure, happiness. An actual fairytale moment for the hopeless romantic when he least expected it. Back in the real world now, I sit there wondering how her day is going and what she’s currently working on. Nearly every fibre of me is pulsing towards sending her a simple smiley face via text message, or to wish her a nice day, but I can’t afford to keep butting into her life and bringing a constant reminder to her of my existence. I believe yesterday was probably more than enough for her in that regard. So I refrain from my actions, and just hope that she’s having a nice day as she always deserves to. Another humorous moment just occurred as I was seeking clarification regarding some common-sensical stuff within the work I’m doing, and my new team member laid down for me that, yes, it is in fact common sense. She then proceeded to apologise for being too honest, to which I just smiled & told her that I’m use to, and now quite desensitised from ‘brutal honesty’. I reflect even further now as a result, upon the fact that my relationship had helped me strengthen and grow, even in the littlest ways - which just brings another damn smile to my face in the strangest way. Boom, it’s after lunch time now and an ever so slight anxiety arises. ‘The three’ of us went into a gaming store during lunch that has the same initials as her (she once even joked about it being her store when seeing an old plastic bag in my car boot from the store, when we were on a date at a craft beer cafe. Ah craft beer - what finally brought us together to begin with. Jesus, I’m really linking up everything to a memory with her aren’t I. Oh, the beautiful insanity). Nevertheless, I sent a group snap, in which I included her, of some cool geeky stuff in the store. Why did I include her? Who knows - pretty sure she doesn’t actually give a crap. Probably goes back to earlier where I wanted to message her wishing her a nice day or just send a smiley face, and accordingly acted like it was an almost heroic gesture for not going through with it. This was a subtle way, again subconsciously to an extent as I don’t even realise / think about it at the time, to get her attention & insert myself in her life at a minuscule level I guess. There’s always the nerve-wracking insecurity that she’ll forget me sooner rather than later. Though who am I to interfere with that if it is the case also! I’ll tell you - I’m the past. Not the future. It’s been made clear. Hence here we are with the ever growing slight anxiety as I reflect upon all these moulding elements slowly coming together to form a longer and longer bridge between us. Confessions of a broken mind. More so, confessions of a broken heart. Halt! I’ve also figured out that I’ve come to feeling my heart thump against my chest as a result of remembering that I have my first indoor football game this evening. Where does she come into this as well? She was obviously part of the original team.. it’s where I actually started getting the growing opportunities of spending time with her (when she wasn’t busy being a dedicated student - which was most of the time, although she still made more time for me as time flew by - boom, another realisation way too late). It was after one of our games that I offered her a ride home, and she sat in my car for the first of many-to-come times, as I introduced her to some hardcore gangster rap music that I only got into due to joining the bandwagon of the “Straight Outta Compton” blockbuster movie fanclub. She surprised me that car ride as she was actually, unexpectedly into it..Though that’s my own pre-judgemental self that concluded otherwise to begin with - definitely learned my lesson there, as she continued to defy, well, anything.. which is what ultimately made her that dream come true. So football begins again tonight - just without her, which is truly tragic. She was definitely the ruthless and aggressive player who wasn’t afraid to get hurt in games - she was certainly the most enthusiastic. Her absence will definitely be felt - especially by the other half of our pack. Speaking of which, I’m afraid to even face the other half of the pack, and even more so, people in general. This isn’t exactly the time to be social, but I do require the exercise, the passing of time (as the quicker it goes, the quicker the wounds heal - right? Even though time is relative you dumbass), and just the distraction from wallowing in my pity party of one. The social interaction will ideally be limited, and hopefully I can continue to fake it till I make it. Goodness, the reminders just keep coming! I also have to prepare a monthly quiz consisting of 10 multi choice questions tonight, that are somewhat intriguing to a diverse range of people in my workplace. I usually spend way too much time than required - but the cool part is that she always was my test subject for the quizzes before I went live with them, and that she actually did quite well - better than the average of teams of 5-10 people anyway. That’s just her though. Though my workplace are full of idiots (including myself as aforementioned on various occasions), she nevertheless has always been, and displayed that combination of brains and beauty.

Indoor football! After having a break and watching game shows with the family, it was finally time to head to the first game of indoor in high spirits and be overly thrilled to see familiar faces on a voluntary basis. Don’t get me wrong, they’re wonderful faces.. it’s just that trying extra hard to feel socially accepted can really be exhausting (tragic that I’m using the word I absolutely hated hearing from her often). Anyhow we all have to do it. It’s a pretty common occurrence, more so than we care to admit to, but hey - welcome to humanity. So I tried, and vowed to myself not to say anything and just be.. okay. Whatever that means. Shockingly enough, things didn’t go as expected.. absolutely flabbergasted. After initially walking inside and catching up with, and seeing my cool, bald, and professional footballer of a team mate and friend after a year, a few of the first words out of one of my other close friends’ (¼ of the pack) mouth, without knowledge of current circumstances, in our small vicinity, were that of asking how things were with her. Then close friend progressed to explain to said cool bald friend that me and girl-who-all-of-this-is-essentially-about were now together (as he’s been out of the loop) and he was thrilled, and congratulated me. What a fantastic start to the evening as you can imagine. I controlled the emotion & managed to muffle my voice enough to get a hold of myself when speaking. Long story short, I continuously throughout this moment attempted to remain cool, calm and collected (I’m use to collecting a lot after all) as I revealed the unfortunate and sad truth. Being great friends they are, they also threw me a mini pity party but I assured them that I’m perfectly good, and it was not required. Anyway after the game against our cat obsessed opponents (we won 5-4, what a thriller), I decided to ask another close friend on the team about her current relationship background, as I knew she’d just gotten back & is taking it slow with the guy that she had previously broken up with. She was sweet to share. What amazed me about her story were that all her details were oddly similar and reflective of mine - when they began, the length, the breaks they took last year, the eventual long distance (which is currently still their case), the personifying characteristics of her significant other, and there was even a magical weekend involved (but not with sick day Monday). She was me in this scenario, and he was her. I felt some sort of outsider closure and comfort knowing I wasn’t alone - except I was. Why did I even ask? I could easily lie to myself & say I’m not sure, but it’s clear I was latching onto any potential chance of false hope that may exist. Though my weekend(+sick day monday) already decimated that possibility pretty fiercely and brutally, I was still determined to find out? Thankfully I came back to my senses to realise that I wasn’t ever going to be her. I’m not the luckiest guy in the world anymore, I’ve lost that privilege. I’ve had my share of chances, which were all ultimately missed goals in the end. Better off buying a lotto ticket. In the end, close friend #1 who made my reality publicly clear unintentionally at the start, was being her supportive self. So was the other friend (leader of the pack) - even though it’s not usually his style. Whilst he acted in his classic mannerisms and lost his keys for 30 minutes, close friend #1 kept checking on me. I kept up my guard stating I was fine.. and I think I may actually have been for once. I realised I don’t want or need any of this support, let alone deserve it. My heart and mind instantly crossed to her again - alone in a house in a different town, bottling up any feelings.. or so I imagine anyway. I can’t keep inserting myself into her life to check how she is - as much as I love and care about her - more than anything. She wants to be able to actually move on with my constant interference holding her back (as I ended up doing in our relationship enough as it is) surely.. so I let it be, and urged said friend to be her friend rather than mine at this time. Not that she needed the urging at all anyway - she’s always been caring & onto listening and being there for her friends. Hopefully she can get through.. after all, the strength of the wolf is the pack. Sadly have not heard from my.. ‘past’ today either at all which sucks, but is the new harsh reality I have to deal with.. I hope she had a nice day at work.

The drive back home. First song on the radio - Despacito. Enough said really if you knew her when that song comes on, especially over the last weekend. She makes you smile nonstop with her voice in song. I looked over to the empty seat next to me, where she’d be my singing buddy most often, and still managed my own smile at the memory. Usually she’d be there after a game, we’d get some takeaways and watch a movie at my place whilst eating, or just cuddle up together, and sometimes even just sleep blissfully enough. Other times I’d find some shitty reason to start a fight which I’d blame on my own insecurities - well that part is true. But nevertheless, looking back.. I don’t even remember or care about why I was fighting. I just want to take back all the unnecessary pain, stress and pressure I put her through, and once again see that beautiful smile. Queue last weekend (+ sick day monday) memory as a dream sequence on repeat. Relationship goals.. lived at end of relationship. Nevertheless, that time has well passed, and once again Its too late & any hope that once was present is now lost. I don’t fit in any longer. I deservingly suffer the consequences of my choices and actions, and eat my takeaway food alone tonight. The only problem is that she doesn’t deserve to suffer too. Self hatred slowly back on the rise.

_____

Day 2 - continued - oh woe is me.

My world almost turned upside down, and shook my mind all around. I messed up again and called her. The darker it gets, the more things just become tougher. I’ve learned this through my historical experience on several occasions now. So we spoke for about 40 minutes. Why? Because my overly attached self checked my instagram, specifically my followers, knowing full well what I was looking for, and as you would have it - the waves crashed down on me hard. She stopped following my page. That’s basically the equivalent of deleting someone. My heart started thumping against my chest again as I double, triple and even quadruple checked. It was real. Why am I making this a big deal though - Just one simple removal from a social media outlet I wouldn’t even be using anymore? Its rather more what the broader definition could be of these circumstances. The true beginning of the end all. These were shades reminiscent of last year where we completely stepped out of each other’s lives and it was absolute hell. We became strangers again. Sure you can argue I’m being overly dramatic about this, but it’s not just about this, as mentioned. My mind and heart are slowly now preparing themselves for further detrimental and unexpected havoc to occur as time goes by. Did she want me to stop snapping her once in a bit also as I had been doing? She wasn’t responding anyway so obviously I assume, when linking things up with this situation, that she doesn’t want to be bothered or annoyed by me. That she wants me completely out of her life, and that best weekend ever (+ sick day monday) is already fading away from her.. it’s starting to feel like it didn’t mean much to her. That I don’t. Well that’s fair I guess, that’s the goal after all to get over someone isn’t it? I suppose I just didn’t see it coming (I’m a professional at that now) and needed clarification as to if she wants me to just fuck off. Ironically here I am trying to seek that very clarification over the phone with her. She states that the unfollowing was more impulsive, yesterday after the flower incident. It’s easier that way. I agreed to just delete the whole thing - as they were beautiful photos of her after all, so technically her property. Though I stated it is fine and no big deal, in the end it was actually extremely tough to delete that part of my life which romanticised her publicly as my dream girl, but at the same time also quite easy to do, for her. So now the basis of it all is that she needs more space, even though she said she doesn’t mind receiving the odd snap. She told me she’d tell me before potentially removing me if it was too much for her (though she technically didn’t in this case where it happened, but I understand as it was also technically inactive now). However she also told me to take things as they come. Everything once again started falling apart in me to hear that ambiguity, but I always knew it was the reality waiting to happen. It’s time to take my leave of absence unless she wants to reach out to me.. which I don’t exactly see being the case. She’s a naturally reserved individual to begin with, who never reaches out.. and especially won’t to me. It’s all truly coming into perspective. I love her so much. I just want her to be okay and be there to make sure of it. But I can’t obviously, because I’m the bloody problem. None of this is fair. Fuck life. Ah well, just pray for the best for her no matter what it does to you. You always wanted her to be happy, now unconditionally love her as you promised, as it’s time to extend that bridge between you both after all. I’m going to miss that voice now..