#impulse job apps are better for you than drugs

[heyyjudetheobscure]

is that not ....why we all occasionally fantasize about applying for a six (or 8 or w/e) month contract in antarctica? is that .......not a universal experience??

(the internet is funny like this, because you see a reaction first that's like 'why was this warning necessary?' and then you read the warning and think, 'obviously this warning is necessary because of assholes like me.')

Aspencore

[nasuversekinkmeme]

Weekly Roundup: prompts

Tsukihime

SHIKI and Kohaku. Make it fucked up. Bring in Akiha if you want too, all I want is some fucked up moments with them

Akiha bondage good. Akiha monstrous sex good. Monstrous Akiha in tight bondage would be awesome.

kohaku daily life

Transmasc!Arcueid, currently in pieces after Shiki's attack, uses the opportunity to give himself top surgery.

Smut, noncon, Akiha getting drugged and gang banged all night long

Kara no Kyoukai

KnK and cannibalism, please please

Fate/Stay Night

hi. leather bondage with archer in his CCC outfit with the red leather jacket and the dog collar please. put a harness on that beast. would prefer an artfill if possible (im a visual learner btw 👉👈‍‍) but im not gonna look a gift fic in the mouth 🙏

Rin and Luvia are assigned study buddies with each other. While at first Rin deals with this about as well as expected, overtime she begins to show enthusiasm towards them. She soon becomes a chubby, nerdy girl ready to list off 1000 different facts about any subject, so long as it's her beloved Luvia

FGO

Morgan, after getting sick and tired of Oberon’s bullshit does some REVENGE. She gets pesticides, bug sprays, anything that is able to harm insects, and when Oberon decides to fuck with her, she goes absolutely HAM with the bug repellent and going psychical. Local Oberon found dead in Chaldea hung on a wall

Smut, Barghest is determined to make sure her romance with her Master will not end in tragedy. To that end, she tries hypnotherapy, in an attempt to help control her impulses that compel her to "devour the one she loves". To everyone's surprise, it works! However, to nobody's surprise, it also involved altering the inherent definition of what Barghest considers "devouring" her beloved means. On one hand, Ritsuka is no longer in any danger whatsoever of ending up as her lunch. On the other, his pelvis may not survive the night, but that is a sacrifice he is more than willing to make.

Smut, Marisbury fucks Kirschtaria or Roman/Solomon with the gun he keeps in his desk drawer

Ritsuka is good at sex, for all the same reasons he’s good at being a master: empathy, endurance, a radical willingness to listen and accept even the unacceptable, etc. Still, he’s one guy with one dick; he has a limit, and dozens of voraciously kinky servants exceed it handily. He solves this problem, like all problems, with other servants; he becomes a human hookup app, matching servants to their ideal lay, mostly to take the pressure off himself. It may backfire, it may not.

Smut, Guda Castoria Oberon having the most insane unsafe and dubiously consentual sex in Chaldea. They have SO much beef with each other AND they're all either repressed or cursed to be unable to give regular informed consent like normal people. I want them have the most undernegociated and violent sex known to man.

Smut, "Oberon being mega horny for Ritsuka," tagged: overstim, rough sex

Tamamo has a fox dick. Tamamo Cat, being one of the Tamamo Nine, also has a fox dick. Koyanskaya, who is not one of the Tamamo Nine and is just faking it, gets a fox dick packer to fake it better.

Smut, Turns out there's another reason Li Shuwen's NP is No Second Strike, and that's because he's a one pump chump and literally comes on the first stroke. Can either be comedy about how he's bad at sex or orgasm denial edging play stuff to raise his endurance.

Smut, Drunk sex with Izou

Smut, Asterios x Barghest X Cu Alter threesome but bersercu is mostly there to help restrain ya girl from trying to maul big fluffy boy mid fuck. not saying he cant do that while hitting asterios's prostate though

Elizabeth and Carmilla actually both bond over their shared annoyance at being the future/past version of each other, doesn't change the fact that they both fucking hate the connection though.

The various Taunt servants - Leonidas, Georgios, Gareth, etc. - commisserate about being used as meat shields all the time. No bitterness - it's their job - but it's a hard job.

During this year Christmas the newest welfare is Caster Artoria Alter Santa Lily, except its actually just morgan after drinking the youth potion so she can relive her youth days

the nickname 'koyanchihuaha' becomes a bit more literal

Void shiki erases everyone's genitals at normal shiki's request because she can't fucking sleep with all the fucking that happens every night

Smut, I feel like Kirschtaria and Zeus should have had gay sex at least once

Smut, Barghest eating her veggies(going down on goghie and getting a little cannibalistic about it)

Tepeu getting This stable instead of This chair

Smut, Adding to that Zeus thing, Caenis and Kirsch also have gay sex after that but since Caenis knows the status of Kirschs body as well as Zeus' more than likely rough loving, he is much more gentle and caring while being mad tsundere

Morgan: “This is my partner Mash, and this is Mash’s partner Ritsuka, who is also my spouse. And these are Ritsuka’s partners Artoria and Oberon.”

muramasa gets a harem consisting of the gals from fate stay night (Ishtar, ereshkigal, jaguar warrior, anyone who knows him) and the artorias. they then have a brawl over who gets the poor man

Smut, incest, aurora fucking mélusine nasty in front of percival… the worse and more degrading for the latter two the better! can be dubcon or straight up noncon, either is a-okay with me! ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶

Archer is invited to train by a Heroic Spirit that is by all logic much stronger than he is, yet they are forced to go all out to keep pace with the red bowman. Archer did not fight on equal ground against Heracles for nothing after all

Smut, Someone tries to cuck Gudao by fucking Mash in front of him and he’s just happy she found someone and slightly confused on why they’re fucking in front of him.

Smut, Ritsuka and Oberon have a lot of hate sex. Like, it's pretty much a weekly thing. They even fight for who tops (It's almost always Ritsuka who tops)

Guda letting Castoria bite them on their shoulders/neck whenver they get mad

Fun fact! Baobhan Sith has A-rank Strength, which is even higher than Barghest! Anyway she should give Morgan a hug so bone-crushing that old woman needs a chiropractor

Cannibalism, Barghest can’t help herself and accidentally eats Gudao, mentally denying that it was her even as several servants begin attacking her

Might I request some Emotional Catharsis for Emiya Alter after meeting all his old friends and family in Chaldea, even if he cant really remember them?

Newly minted Servant Fujimaru Ritsuka is forced to farm nonstop for days on end by the Chaldea Farming Teams, so that, quote, "they know what it feels like for us!"

Either obecas or gudacas with an emphasis of how much of a nightmare it is to get explicit consent from someone who is cursed to constantly lie (for Oberon) and/or from someone who constantly agree to do shit she doesn't actually want to do because it's easier/safer than to argue (for Castoria)

Funny rivals moment: Mephistopheles teasing Archer Moriarty over how they’re technically older than him (going my their works’ release years)

Barghest deciding that if Baobhan Sith is going to keep mocking her for her appetites, she might as well swallow her whole too!

Any fandom

there's a common theme in prompts for this kinkmeme, so the opposite of that: let's get some non-Fate characters being asexual

Crossover/Multi Fandom

Shiki, SHIKI, [Shiki], Shiki, and SHIKI realize they actually have enough people to go to Five Guys. Tohno Shiki and Ryougi Shiki are idiots (complimentary).

let's delve in to a little crossover : the koyan twins are looking for product testing volunteers , and 2 people signed up ; Darkness , a masochist crusader , and aqua the useless goddess was forced by gudako to either take the job or aqua will be facing jail time for public intoxication. whatever fetishes the koyan twins inflict on them is largely up to the writers . but i'd like to see aqua undergo a blueberry inflation and when the machines finish juicing her she gets inflated right back up , possibly even bigger than last time. the juice would be later made into liquor. as for darkness im cool with putting her in some inflatable rubber bondage or strap her to a milking machine .

Kirby is summoned in chaldea

And don't forget, the Nasuverse Femslash Week starts tomorrow!

[boog-shitposting-edition]

New Brain Drugs Update; overall positive, but the fact that it suppresses feeling tired/hungry is def starting to be an issue. I'll just abruptly have my brain give out and have to guess what vital resource I'm missing, and then frantically try to replenish it for hours. Also, I keep meaning to get Multiple Things done per day and seem to instead be doing the fuck out of one, maybe two things. Like I meant to send job apps, work on freelance, clean the tub and the dishes, and instead lost three hours sending WAY more job apps than were necessary and then burnt out. All the drawing I’ve gotten done has been lowkey doodling, I haven’t tried to work on larger or more professional projects on this shit yet.

yknow what it reminds me of? there's a DND thing that always kind of threw me in a funny way.  there's a spell, Reincarnate, that's the most permissive way to bring a character back to life. you dont need the whole body, you dont need to do it quickly, in some versions they dont even have to want to come back. the catch is that the spell makes them a whole new body, with a random species and rerolled stats. which can include mental stats, intelligence charisma and wisdom.  

I know it's sort of a gameplay balancing conceit first and foremost, but I always paid attention to that from a storytelling perspective. does your character have a new biological brain, and that's why it functions different? are they still themselves if the whole way they interact with the world is changed? and the fiction we always went with in my games is that the reincarnation is exactly that, they have to find new ways to be themselves because they ARE a new version of themselves. in my first campaign this actually got kinda hilarious and crazy, a buddy of mine made a hot elf chick monk, who got reincarnated as a bugbear- a kind of big hairy orc.  so YEAH she got a huge strength boost and her monk karate stuff worked better, but her wisdom took a serious hit. apparently placid elfen wisdom isn't compatible with bugbear shortsighted territorial instincts. I feel like I've gone from goblin to dwarf, and my herculian effort to keep my goblin brain on task makes dwarf Boog an insufferable addict to minutae, with way less staying power/self care skills because I’m not getting the usual impulse signals to listen to.

I’ve been on this shit less than a week, so wait and see if it needs any adjustments. If it’s still tripping me up in a month I’ll just reroll again. Just funny to think about.

[brainboys]

[TOM HOLLAND, CISMALE, HE/HIM] have you seen QUINN WRIGHT around sedona? QUINN is a UNIVERSITY STUDENT/PART-TIME PIZZA DELIVERY GUY, but they’re also THE ENCYCLOPEDIA in the sedona sleuths, so you’ve probably seen them around the firehouse shed. they’re known for being QUICK-WITTED and EARNEST, but they’re also known to be GULLIBLE and IMPULSIVE. when they’re not at the shed, i can usually find them at the PIZZERIA. i can always recognize them by their untied shoelaces, a carefully curated pokemon card collection, adept fingers pressing away on a nintendo, the rush of exhaustion after being late and misplaced optimism. 

biography, playlist, pinterest board & connections.

the encyclopedia:  The brains of the group, they know loads of random facts that come in handy in the tightest of situations. They’re also probably the one doing the background research when needed.

B A S I C S :

name: quinn wright. nickname:  quinn. age: twenty-two. date of birth: october 11th. place of birth: sedona, ka. gender: cismale. pronouns: he/him. sexuality: gay (not out).

P H Y S I C A L :

height: 173cm. build: slim. hair color: brown. eye color: brown. tattoos: none. piercings: none. preferred style of clothing: fashion is not a topic of interest to him,   so he tends to lean towards comfort over style.   he doesn’t go shopping for clothes often,   so he rotates between a few graphic t-shirts,   button-ups,   and light sweaters for the summer.   in winter,   he wears over-sized hoodies and sweatpants as often as he can get away with it.   he hopes people don’t notice,   but he only owns two pairs of jeans and slightly over-sized dress pants for emergencies. 

H E A L T H :

physical ailments: none. mental disorders: dyslexia,   combined ADHD & battling with depression.  smoker? no. drinker? socially. drug user? no. addictions: none. allergies: none.

P E R S O N A L I T Y :

zodiac signs: libra sun,   gemini moon. mbti: enfp-t, the campaigner. hogwarts house: gryffindor. positive traits:

quick-witted: quinn is known for being quick on his feet,  but that’s not only in a physical sense.    when someone pushes him against a corner,   whether it’s with a comment made to tease him or a new revelation during an investigation that throws them off,    he’s sharp with a silver tongue rapier and speedily familiarizes himself with information,   easily readjusting it into what he already has in a way that tends to get them out of difficult situations. 

earnest: this is a trait he had to learn,   for better or for worse.   it’s something he actively forces himself to be in order to get anything done.   since his mind tends to be scattered and he’s doing or thinking about doing five things at once,   and then something else,   he uses tactics he learned at therapy to focus on tasks he needs to get done and that includes having a lot of conviction for the things that other people can do with ease,   like sitting down for long enough to finish a rough draft of an essay without getting distracted for a whole day.   he applies this mostly to schoolwork and day-to-day necessities,   but when they’re working on a new mystery,   quinn sits himself down and does research on the background.   this is something he genuinely enjoys doing,   so he struggles less to focus on it. 

friendly: while he doesn’t stray away from the sleuths,   he has no problems making friends and talking to strangers outside of the group.   he can be shy with new people and prefers being around those who he already knows,   but if left alone at a party,   he’ll have a new friend group in ten minutes.

negative traits:

gullible: quinn really is this tiktok.   someone could tell him anything and he’d be like   ‘ ok yeah why not ’   even though it’s an obvious lie.   he takes everything at face value and rarely tries to see what’s behind people’s words.   people have told him to stop being so trusting towards others,   especially when they’re working on solving something,   but quinn really does the same shit over and over because it’s in his nature to just trust people and not think to question their intentions.  

impulsive: compliment him all you want about how smart he is,   the only reason he’s got so much knowledge inside of his brain is that he has no impulse control and if he suddenly has the thought that he needs to know something about how the future might look like with self-operated cars,   ways of murdering someone through poison,   the algorithm behind rubix cubes or literally any topic under and beyond the sun,   he’ll obsess over it for a few days.   quinn gets hyperfixations because of his ADHD and they range from videogames to wildly specific points in history. 

anxious: anxious counts as one of quinn’s primary moods,   and sometimes anxiety comes right in the middle of a perfectly normal day if anything goes slightly wrong,   like losing his favorite pen or realizing that he forgot to grab his lunch box before leaving the house that day.   since quinn tries really hard to keep a schedule,   he feels off whenever he forgets something on it and it brings down his whole mood.   in stressful situations,   quinn paces back and forth with anxiety,   whispering to himself and trying to catch up with his brain.   this usually means that he’s thinking really hard on finding a way to solve a situation,   though sometimes he’ll be so anxious that it impedes him from thinking straight.

love language: physical touch & words of affirmation.  hobbies: video games (lots of them), collecting pokemon cards, keeping up on scientific developments, researching the sleuth’s cases, running, murder mysteries and general mysteries, and whatever his new hyperfixation is. fears: not fitting in, failure, abandonment, needles.

B A C K G R O U N D ,   T D ; L R :

tw: mentions of cancer, death, and homophobia.

quinn basically grew up in queen’s pizzeria.    that’s where his mom worked when he was a kid,   so his dad would pick him up from school and drop him off there for the rest of his mom’s shift because he needed to go back to his own job and the pizzeria is where they allowed quinn to hang-out. 

he struggled a lot with school and was labeled as a problem child.   he hated doing school work and he fell behind in reading,   but when quinn entered high-school,   he was diagnosed with dyslexia and combined ADHD.    by that time,   his parents had already gotten divorced after spending quinn’s childhood poorly hiding their frequent fights.    his mom also got diagnosed with cancer,   and times were rough.

his dad remarried and quinn stayed with his mom throughout her illness.   at one point,   when the bills were too high even though he was working part-time at the pizzeria,   he convinced his mom to let him go off his meds and join a sports team at school instead.   it was to ease the financial strain off them,   and it only helped a little bit. 

quinn joined track and kept going to therapy.   his mom had ups and downs but mostly downs,   since medication would stop working after a while until they realized that they were only temporarily treating her cancer but they wouldn’t be able to cure it.    it gave them time to prepare for her death,   so they did.

his mom taught him what she could about living independently from her before she passed away,   though quinn doesn’t think that any amount of preparation could prepare him for the grief that came. 

he moved out of his childhood home and into his dads place with his new family,    a stepmom and two stepsiblings.   he lived in the basement,   which was his choice,   and quit his job at the pizzeria to focus on school and track full-time like he’d promised his mom.   his dad has always been high-key homophobic so at some point in high school quinn dated the first girl who said yes because he was having doubts about his sexuality and he was afraid of it. 

after graduating high school,   quinn decided to pick up his old job again during the summer between graduation and his new year at sedona’s community college and he’s been working there ever since.   he tries to ask his dad for as little as possible since he’s already paying for his tuitions.   quinn wants to build a career in biochemical engineering,   so he’s studying biology and hopes to transfer to the nearest university where they offer that degree even if it’s post-graduate. 

he broke up with his girlfriend after graduating high-school and honestly his dad’s going to be homophobic no matter what so forcing himself into a relationship he didn’t want was just toxic for both parties involved and he’d never do it again,   especially because he let it go on for so long. 

and that’s it for this part !   his biography has everything much more coherently laid out but tbh it’s kinda long so !!

H E A D C A N O N S :

quinn is really enthusiastic about pokemon so if ur thinking of a gift,   u can’t go wrong with anything related to it.   it’s been his favorite show and video games since he was a child so there’s a lot of nostalgia tied to it. 

quinn has a ton of game apps on his phone and he rarely uses social media.   whenever he’s bored and sitting around,   he prefers playing a game rather than scrolling through a feed.   he also carried around his nintendos...   the nintendo console depends on which game he’s playing but he’s often seen with the 3ds or switch. 

whenever someone interrupts him,   whether it’s mid-sentence,   mid-homework,   mid-whatever-task,   they’ll always get his ‘oh shit’ face because he knows it’ll be hard to focus on whatever he was doing again.   if his thoughts or sentences are interrupted,   he 100% won’t pick up where he left off unless someone reminds him. 

quinn’s often seen with headphones on because he prefers to listen to books since reading is a whole ass task that requires a lot of focus that he doesn’t have and dyslexia absolutely makes things worse.   when texting,   auto-complete is his savior. 

quinn has loved dinosaurs ever since he read jane yolen’s children's books in primary school.   if it has a dinosaur on it,   he’ll buy it. 

he hates the way alcohol tastes but he thinks that drinking is cool so he won’t tell anyone about it.    he honestly doesn’t even drink to get drunk because he’s a good boy but if holding a beer makes him look like he fits in,   he’s going to hold a beer.

quinn...    tries to fit in.   he’s friendly by nature but he doesn’t think that’s enough.   it might have to do with the comments his dad used to make about homosexuality that made him feel like he has to fit a certain mold or else he won’t be accepted by others. 

he’s known he was gay since high-school but he has only really dated a girl.   he’s afraid of being intimate with a boy because he knows that’s what he wants but he has been suppressing that part of himself and thinks that he still needs to suppress it because of his dad.   

the reason he got re-hired at the pizzeria is that the owner has a quinn-shaped soft spot,   not because he’s good at the job.   quinn has the tendency to be late on deliveries and anyone who tries to get free pizzas will get mouthfuls from him about how it’ll come out of his paycheck and please please please just pay for this pizza i swear i won’t be late next time....   but guess what ?    he’s late next time. 

anddddd i think i’ll leave it at that !!   i’m hella excited to plot with everyone so check out his wanted connections list n i’m sure we can work something out !!!!!!!!!

[desertdaddypsp]

Knitting

I write to learn.

I spin my yarn and by the end of the story, that yarn has turned into a garment that I can wear...and it fits.  Through the writing process, I work out the details of a problem that I’m faced with and by the end, I typically come to an optimistic conclusion.  It’s my hope that will be my conclusion with this Tumblr entry. 

A bit of history first so that you get the picture.  In 2004, I admitted myself to Kaiser Hospital after my ex-wife said something very hurtful during a family counseling session.  When the therapist laid many of the family’s problems right at her feet, her response was, “It’s ok.  I never really loved Rick anyway.  I got what I wanted and that’s my three kids!”  I was devastated. 

When I got back home to San Francisco, I had my partner at the time take me to the ER.  I was told that I couldn’t be admitted unless I could say that I was a danger to others or to myself.  I just wanted to check out of the world, but I didn’t want to die.  So, I lied.  I told the ER doctor that I was suicidal. 

The next day, after less than 24 hours in the hospital, a psychiatrist diagnosed me as bipolar.  For about 5 years, I wore that heinous label.  After all, who does the news blame for most mass shootings?  A man who was bipolar.  The scapegoat of society.  It makes people afraid of the bipolar. 

Then, after moving back to San Diego, I started seeing a new psychiatrist who changed my diagnosis to Major Depressive Disorder with Anxiety.  She said that she saw no evidence of manic behavior.  I kind of agreed.  I liked losing that bipolar label.  Depressed was more socially acceptable. 

Fast forward to 2018.  I was living in Palm Springs.  For some reason, I decided to kick my “good boy” image.  I was sick of him.  Bored with him.  So, I began to experiment with drugs.  My drug of choice became crystal meth. 

At first, I only used about every six weeks. By the end, however, I was using every week.  I almost lost my job and my life was miserable.  I got into CMA (Crystal Meth Anonymous) and I kicked it.  Today, I have just shy of 250 days without Tina. 

In 2019, I moved back to San Diego and started seeing the same psychiatrist that changed my diagnosis from bipolar to depressive.  I looked forward to seeing her again after six years. 

She greeted me cordially, saying that she recognized my last name and wondered if it was me.  As we got reacquainted, I told her about my crystal use.  We talked about a lot of things, but she finally came to this conclusion: she wanted to change my diagnosis back to bipolar.

I protested, saying that I still didn’t display manic behavior like staying up for days on end, working of useless projects or believing that I could fly off of the tops of buildings and not get hurt.  She revisited my meth use and said that choosing to explore drugs at 60 years old was “impulsive”.  She explained that impulsivity is a hallmark of bipolar behavior. 

OK.  So, I’m bipolar.  She changed my medication to something that would address the bipolar disease but would also help me to sleep.  I left the office with my head spinning. 

That was 10 days ago.  In those days, I have come to believe that I truly am bipolar.  Why?  Let me explain. 

I have recognized impulsive behavior in my sex life.  I never really thought that much about it.  But, after being reunited with my psychiatrist and with the change of meds, I have seen a patter.

I am sexually compulsive.  There are times that I will cruise the gay sex apps and have anonymous sex with sometimes two or three different men in one day.  I’m not using crystal but I had starting using poppers about 18 months ago.  I would get all poppered up, have wild sex, and escort the guy to the door all the time thinking about how I can find another guy that will come over.

Impulsive.  Compulsive.  Bipolar.  I have been doing this a lot over the ten days since the psychiatrist changed my meds.  I have been burning the candle at both ends. 

Thursday night a young man that I know came over and we played.  He stayed until midnight.  I knew there was going to be hell to pay when the alarm went off at 6 am the next morning. 

I was a mess.  I got through the day on Friday, but when I got home, I started trolling the apps for sex.  It took me awhile to find someone.  He finally got to my apartment at 1 am.  It was a quickie so he was gone by 1:30 am. 

This morning, a young guy that I’ve been chatting with (a crystal meth user - I’m dancing too close to the edge these days!) came over and we played for several hours.  Lots of poppers and that led to feeling short of breath and feeling sick.  After all, I had only had about 4 hours of sleep. 

This afternoon, I had a “Come to Jesus” moment with myself.  Exhausted and short of breath, I had to admit that my sexual behavior was impulsive and not healthy.  I knew that the poppers were making me sick.  I knew that I had to reach out to my psychiatrist and ask for help. 

I did that.  I hope that she can help because I am ready to change.  I just need some help.

That sweater that I am knitting it taking shape and I’m going to wear it.  It makes sense.  I’m learning...even at the ripe old age of 62.  I’m continuing to grow and change...hopefully for the better.

[rosehoare]

The future of love

Published in Sunday magazine, 2014

Ready for Valentine’s Day? It’s the day we celebrate the romantic notion that you can love the same person your whole life!

I mean romantic, as opposed to realistic. Because, let me tell you, my friend: by committing ourselves to monogamous relationships with one person (just one! That’s half what’s considered reasonable to help yourself to from a biscuit sampler), we are behaving like sexual anorexics, starving our basic, hardwired hunger.

From a computer scientist’s point of view, forging a face to face connection belongs in the too hard basket. And from a philosopher’s point of view, we are living in an age of such overweening narcissism that we might not be capable of real, scary, grown-up love anyway.

Nevertheless, since our weak minds cling to the delusion of love and our culture obsesses over “cute couples”, and since being single can get to feeling like a slow withering of the soul, the question persists: how can we stay in love and be happy?

Last September, ethicist Brian D. Earp and some colleagues at the University of Oxford’s Centre for Neuroethics co-authored a paper proposing a chemical intervention to a crummy problem we have inherited.

That old “men just aren’t built for monogamy” cop-out turns out to be backed by data observable across species, and championed by evolutionary psychologists.

“The engine of natural selection is that you want to maximise reproduction,” Earp says. “We’re not puppets of our genes, but from an evolutionary standpoint, it makes no sense to have one sexual partner your whole life.”

Things were simpler for our Pleistocene-era ancestors. They lived half as long as we do, roaming around in groups of about 150 relatives, raising their kids communally. And after three or four years, the parenting was done, whereas we live in a more information-rich world, where raising a child to the point where it can fend for itself like the feral kid in Mad Max doesn’t really cut it anymore.

(Procrastination being what it is, I could tell you a lot more about this colourful Pleistocene era, with its woolly mammoths, sabre-toothed tigers and other such “megafauna” which we may, in our lifetimes, see “rewilded” in a Jurassic Park-like situation. Google it if you don’t believe me.)

The point is, Pleistocene parents used to be able to get back amongst it very quickly, while today’s parents are committed to parenting until the child is 16. And even after that, couples are expected to spend decades more as monogamous romantic partners.

Clearly, Earp says, “there’s a gap to make up between what our human dispositions are like and what we expect of ourselves. The question is how do we make up that difference?”

Currently, we respond to the problem with infidelity (10-54% of wives and 20-72% of husbands) and divorce (around 42% in New Zealand). We go to relationship counselling but plenty of couples don’t benefit from it. So Earp suggests we try huffing oxytocin.

Oxytocin is the hormone we naturally produce in situations related to attachment. It floods our system when we orgasm, when we go into labour, when we breastfeed, when we hug. When you come home and see your dog, you get a burst of oxytocin, and your dog does too.

On the face of it, oxytocin seems like a miracle drug for couples counselling. It reduces anxiety and stress (even when couples are discussing a ‘chronic source of conflict'). It boosts trust, eye contact, empathy and attentiveness. Under the influence of oxytocin, couples remember their good times more readily.

It even improves monogamous impulses: last year, neuroscientists found that after inhaling oxytocin, men in relationships displayed less interest in a pretty female than single men.

But it has a few wacky side effects. Oxytocin can turn the volume up on us-and-them feelings like envy, schadenfreude and ethnocentrism -- it makes people less friendly to strangers than they would otherwise be. For people with aggressive tendencies, oxytocin seems to actually enhance aggressive behaviour. It also brings up more bad memories for those with anxious attachment to their mother.

“Oxytocin isn’t just this universal enhancer that makes everything more positive, happy and trustworthy,” Earp says. “It interacts with the person, who they are and what their attachment styles are.”

All the same, for the right people and in the right environment, Earp thinks oxytocin shows promise. “I don’t want to have to be constantly spraying something up my nose in order simply to function in my relationship, but if I used it in a counselling session while I’m learning more productive communication behaviours or something like that, and then I weaned myself off of it but I retained what I’d learned, that could be very useful.”

But enough of bringing our Pleistocene impulses into the 21st century with experimental chemicals! Hasn’t technology already brought us further than that? Set the flux capacitor to 2045, Marty. Where we’re going, we don’t need roads!

Dr James Hughes is a sociologist and executive director of the Institute for Ethics and Emerging Technologies in Connecticut. I wanted to ask him about the possibility of love with an artificial intelligence (AI).

Some futurists predict that, by 2045 or thereabouts, we will experience something called the Singularity, a point when artificial intelligence will overtake human intelligence, and keep improving at an exponential rate, leaving us all in its dust.

Some people find the prospect of AI menacing. Dr Hughes is not one of those people (although he is concerned about the effect it might have on the labour market). He doesn’t find the idea of a relationship with a disembodied AI all that outlandish.

For one thing, he says, we already interact with AI a lot. Software that uses algorithms and big data to predict what we want -- Netflix, Google, dating agencies -- are a form of AI. And Hughes says we already know that humans “anthropomorphize and seem to take a great deal of emotional comfort from relationships with technology”. In the 1960s, an MIT scientist created a rudimentary chat bot and programmed it with a script for psychotherapy. He was disturbed by how readily people opened up to it.

“The Roomba is another example: the little circular robot vacuum cleaners that wander around your house and suck up your dirt? People were naming them. They would feel heartbroken if one got broken and they’d send them back, and if asked ‘do you want a replacement’, they’d say ‘No, I want my one back’.”

Hughes says the attractions of electronic forms of love and romance are manifold: an electronic partner is constantly available, there’s less risk of sexually transmitted disease or unwanted pregnancy, and you don’t ever have to bicker with your robot lover, unless that’s what you’re into.

And yes, let’s get to the part you have probably been wondering about: sex with a robot or a remote human, via teledildonics and whatnot, promises to be fulfilling and, according to robot sex expert David Levy, commonplace by 2050.

When it comes to the burden of emotional and sexual engagement in a relationship, technology is already helping pick up the slack: a new sex app developed for Google Glass allows partners to stream each other’s points of view, can flash up sex advice in flagrante delicto and can even dim the lights. (Can you imagine anything sexier than watching your partner issue a pre-coital voice-activation command to their wifi-enabled home lighting system?)

Researchers are currently programming facial recognition software to help people with autism read emotional cues, so, Hughes says, “We’re looking at a future where ‘Your wife seems to be happy right now, but she’s really mad at you’ suddenly flashes up on your Google Glass.”

Regardless of whether it’s with a human you only connect with in World of Warcraft or a robot, Hughes believes technology will enable unimaginably richer connections. We’ll use haptic technology that responds to touch; facial recognition software that helps read moods, and nano-neural interfacing that enables us to share thoughts and memories.

“There may be AI in the future who, because of the depth of their programmed understanding of the human mind and emotions, knows you ten times better than anybody else could,” Hughes says.

Ah, but would I feel known? However nice it might be to have a robot lover who can suggest a movie I’ll love, wouldn’t I somehow still compartmentalize my feelings for an AI as being of a different, lesser order to what my feelings could be for a human?

Not if you can’t tell them apart, Hughes says. A classic test designed by math genius Alan Turing pits an AI against a human intelligence, and asks us to guess which we’re communicating with. “Every year, we see AI getting higher and higher thresholds of people guessing they’re human,” Hughes says. “The interesting thing about the Turing test is lots of humans fail it. There are humans whose interaction and style of communication is such that they can’t communicate as fully realised human beings.”

Given how important and universal the experience of love is, philosophers haven’t made a very impressive job of explaining its mysteries. In fact, some of the most influential philosophers had abysmal love lives. Nietzsche sprang a proposal on a girl he barely knew, was rejected and died alone. Kierkegaard had a nice girlfriend, but got emo and broke off their engagement. Sartre and De Beauvoir came close with a markedly bohemian relationship - lots of intellectual chats, no fidelity, no marriage, no kids.

So far, so romantic. Then along comes Alain Badiou’s In Praise of Love.

In an interview format, the elderly French philosopher describes love as a sharing of perspectives that creates a new reality, an event as irrevocably life-altering as when Keanu takes the red pill in The Matrix.

Dr Tim Rayner, a philosopher at Sydney-based consultancy Philosophy for Change, has been pondering love ever since he gave a disastrous speech about its essential unknowability at his brother’s wedding years ago, and he thinks Badiou has come closest to nailing love, on behalf of philosophy.

“Badiou thinks when you fall in love with someone, you see your life again -- not just as it could be, but as it should be.”

“It’s a real world that we’re drawn into,” Rayner says. “It’s not like a window that we can look through and go ‘that was interesting’ and move on. We feel compelled to actualize it, because it’s part of who we are.”

That’s Badiou’s philosophical ideal of love, but it’s not how he sees things enacted. Rayner says Badiou is especially cranky about people looking for “risk-free” love based on mutual compatibility -- the kind of casual, exploratory relationships orchestrated by dating services, where, if things get tough, it’s easy to walk away. Anyone hoping to make love more convenient, to gain the ecstatic feelings without hazarding any disruption to their life, is missing the point. Love, the only way Badiou would have it, is necessarily fraught.

“It’s a very frightening place to be,” Rayner says. “You’re violating the sanctity of the ego and putting yourself in a position of vulnerability. But you need to go there to create the common space of love. And since we do live in a fairly egoistic society, for some people, that’s too much of a leap to make. But if you are going to commit yourself to the love experience, you have to say ‘my life is no longer just about me, it’s about us, and everything I do from now on is about strengthening that bond’.” Then you have to figure out how you’re going to change the world together.

Maybe the new reality you create together is being Hollywood’s hottest power couple. Maybe it’s doing a really sensational home renovation. For a lot of couples, it’s having kids -- a transformative experience that can have meaning for couples beyond fulfilling an ancestral drive.

That’s a traditional perspective, but Rayner says you can experience Badiou’s kind of love outside of a romantic relationship, too. For Badiou, a militant Maoist who agitated in the ‘68 uprisings, comrades can have a kind of comradely love forged by being engaged in a common struggle. And Rayner thinks colleagues -- workers or artists -- collaborating on a project can feel powerfully bonded by the experience of co-creation.

And if you’re single this Valentine’s Day, take heart: you, too, can experience Badiou’s world-reconfiguring, romantic love, all by yourself.

“When you meet another person who just sweeps you off your feet and gives you a sense of how your whole life could be different, often those kinds of relationships are unrequited”, Rayner says. “I mean, the best romances are, right?”

[pointthefingerblametheother]

First of all I don't hate you either. These posts are coming from a place of love. True love deeper and longer lasting than any romance book could portray. I love you more than you let me show you or that you would accept when I tried showing you anyways. I thought you stopped loving me months ago. But really, you stopped loving yourself and couldn't see how much I truly do love you either. Seeing you depressed only made me more depressed and vice versa. It sucks.. I couldn't show my love after trying so hard and getting rejected just trying to even have my arm around you; I'd get rejected day after day. - I would take you back someday. But you have to learn to love yourself again, first. And not just chase for someone else's love (fake or not), running from your own love for yourself. Our own depressions had been feeding each other's. And we should have went in to get help sooner, but we didn't know any better... After the first Covid shot I felt even worse and my daily migraines have been even more powerful for me I wanted to escape my own body and mind.. not you. It's been absolutely terrifying losing myself during this pandemic... So dark and cold inside my own mind. I didn't know how to get help (The Nice app just told me they didn't have the meds they thought I needed and I felt worthless ever since last June when I tried to get help)

Only you can get help for yourself, if you want relief from your struggles, but I can try to help that process if you would like a little guidance. I love you, but I can't force you to love yourself. You have to want it yourself, for yourself. - I was paralyzed by my own depression and rejection. I got tired of trying to be good enough for you and still being told to go in the other room every day. Yet, somehow I still love you more than anything on this Earth. I'm trying to learn to love myself again. - I was depressed. Hating myself. And then you went and left me for it.. and now all I feel is emptiness inside without you by my side. If you only knew the guilt I've been feeling inside, unable to let out for leaving RTI; when you promised me everything was going to be okay... I know you only left me because of my depression and the lack of love you were feeling yourself, you wanted someone who seemed happy and to feed off their energy. I don't hate you for doing that. But I still never stopped loving you even though I couldn't love myself and it hurts to feel given up on.. twice now due to my depression. I haven't been able to think straight ever since my panic attacks started at RTI and that mixed with depression and made every day agony. Not your fault, you can't feel what's inside of me. I'm seeing a doctor and getting help soon. I want to fix things. I'd compromise anything with you, honestly. I still have gift cards for Sugar Factory saved.. but I am so heartbroken that had to sell the engagement ring I bought you, just to pay for a down payment now for a place to move to.

Listen to Lost in the Woods from Frozen 2 to know how I'm feeling before proceeding reading the rest of this post. One of the last movies we ever got to go out and watch together over a year ago, you stopped wanting to watch movies with me once the pandemic started... We used to do Redbox and all that stuff before we got depressed.

If you end up going through any of my other posts, just know they're in reverse order because it's a blog. I also have OCD so I edit and touch them up too much and add too much to them. I can't do that or delete all the messages I over sent you. Sorry about all those messages, honestly. I was going through lots of withdrawal: Crystal Love, Video Games, AND Caffeine. So yeah, I got nasty like when someone gets off hardcore drugs or smoking cigarettes. That's what it felt like and I'm sorry I let all that out on you and all the horrible things I said about myself. I'm sorry you didn't feel the love I was giving anymore. I honestly didn't feel loved by you either. Or that you even loved yourself anymore. Everything was about murders and people having painful life experiences every conversation I had with you and you were watching all these dating shows that made me uncomfortable because it seemed you'd rather watch them than accept the love I was trying to show you. You wouldn't even let me sit next to you or put my arm around you. When we went to the mall you wouldn't even hold my hand anymore like you used to... You weren't being yourself at all.

I want to get back to who we were together before the pandemic.

Before you left, I honestly loved you more than life itself. Would have killed myself if it would have made you happy.. That.... THAT is why I was speechless when you said you were leaving me. My heart SHATTERED before you. It killed me inside to hear the person that I love more than my own self wanted to leave me for someone else after 7 1/2 years. I was so sad with you being unresponsive to all my signs of love for the past few months. I honestly sat in that room for days on end debating suicide because I'd been getting rejected to even be allowed to sit on the couch with you for weeks... While you texted away with another guy? I honestly almost killed myself over this because I thought you just hated me because of my depression. The only words that saved me were when you said "I don't hate you". I don't know why that saved me but it did. It sure felt like you hated me. How do you leave someone who loves you more than themselves, more than life itself...?

You stopped telling me your wants. You stopped telling me your desires. It felt like you only wanted me out of the room and to get yourself off to sleep multiple times a day and try to sleep for days on end, even sleeping through your work shifts only to stay up all night to make up work. It felt like you wanted nothing to do with me. And it hurt me. Every. Single. Day. I used to be the one you turned to for that kind of intimate stuff.. and you seemed to want nothing to do with me anymore. I felt like yesterday's trash for months, so I turned to Twitch to try and make other people feel better since you stopped receiving my actions of love. Just being friends with people since I couldn't meet new friends in person. Only friends. Never thought once of not loving you or pursuing anyone else.

I just barely finally started to love myself and bought the PS5 and then the NES (the NES was an impulse buy, trying to do some retail therapy like you used to do in healthy amounts). But realized I was still addicted to Overwatch, because I had a feeling you were talking to another guy and that made me even more depressed. I figured I'd rather play video games than kill myself. When I realized it was someone who also pretended to be my friend I wanted to kill myself even more. I wanted to kill him too. But it was your choice to fuck me over. When all I did was love you too much and get rejected to the point all you did was talk to him about my shortcomings from being depressed for over two years from leaving my job FOR HAVING PANIC ATTACKS... Leo doesn't love you. I can forgive you for leaving me for him, but you also have to be able to forgive yourself. You were in a vulnerable state and he took advantage of you. He just wanted to steal you away while you were depressed as an easy trophy.. He wants you to keep needing him, and he will do anything to keep you hanging on so he has a chance to take you away for himself (not for you or your best interests).

Opposed to me where I have always wanted to raise you up every time I could muster up the courage to try to cheer you up again.. I'd get rejected yet again. Every time I tried playing board games, watch TV with you.. the games sat on the table for WEEKS on end... collecting hair, collecting dust... and you'd reject me day after day to play board games saying "not today, maybe tomorrow, maybe next weekend, etc." You stopped eating and making food for yourself and for us and sharing that weight even though I tried encouraging you... And then you got mad at me one day for not making food, after making it for us for the 5th day in a row... I asked you to please make something for us and you decided to starve instead... It fucking hurt. I love you Crystal but you let yourself go and you decided to chase a guy lying to you rather than the man whose loved you and has been with you and committed only to you for over 7 1/2 years.

We both got depressed, both needed help, but couldn't help the other enough to get them to a doctor. Sorry... I never stopped loving you, even though you hurt me so bad. So yeah I started buying things for myself to cope. Spent too much and you stopped seeing the things I was buying you and gestures I was trying to do for you and for us. But it doesn't have to be the end of us, Crystal. Neither of us could control our depression on our own without seeing a doctor, so I can't hate you for leaving.

I tried changing the topics we would watch, to happier things and watching shows with you that were not so dark, but it seemed every time I tried talking to you you'd rather be messaging someone on your phone than talking to me about anything at all. When we went out and played pokemon you'd have side conversations with Leo instead of showing me you cared about me on our date nights.. I tried many topics to change what we watched and tried encouraging you to look into your health, but I forgot about my own health and you started talking with another guy behind my back. It was pretty to do such a thing to someone who loves you more than life itself... But he'd also been badgering you for months to just let him back into your life, the sick bastard.

When I was messaging after you left I could only focus on the negative about myself because I was depressed (and have been for months, hating myself for having to deal with companies rejecting me for months.. and not being able to get close to you while my search for work was absolute Hell. You pushed me away a LOT). You really didn't deserve all the messaging and hearing me beat myself up. You have been depressed too. I tried explaining all the things you needed help with too, but it was way too much all at once and I'm sorry. Sick people can't fix other sick people - One of them needs to at least get help first. I'm glad you gave me a chance to go get help. I hope you can do the same for yourself and take the time to love who you are.

She always tried her best to make every day feel better for me... No matter how bad it was for me (or herself) inside. If you're out there reading this right now, clearly you still care. Take your time and feel free to read this window into my mind. it won't be easy to get through, but I still love you, Crystal, okay? Please relearn to love yourself. Sick people can't help sick people, but I'm working on myself and getting better; if you want help from being depressed I'd be glad to help you get you the help you need.. but you have to actually want it. For yourself. Don't do it for me. Sorry I got so depressed and stopped caring about myself. It must have been hard for you to watch... I know it was hard for me to watch you going through the same thing. Neither of our faults, okay? We just have to learn to care about ourselves and our own wants and desires. The pandemic's been so long I can't remember the last time I styled my hair or put on cologne (I used to put product in my hair every single day.), or you put on perfume or lipstick... I miss those days. Check out my new photo below this post, too. I'm trying hard to love myself again. 😁

Take all the time you need to read every word. We were both very depressed and confused when you left, both being depressed for a year in isolation. Something needed to change for us to get better. I understand that. Maybe some day we can get back to going to shows and traveling the US or the world together like we always wanted.

I'm trying to focus on me now though, so we actually have a chance. I need to take a break from only thinking about what I think you want or trying to make you happy with the little things. The little gifts and stuffedies things don't add up if you don't love yourself enough to want them for yourself anyways. (I'm glad I still have all mine from you. But.. because they're mine from you. Not because you gave them to make me happy. Band aids don't last. We both needed real healing from our depressions. They've just been feeding on each other's and we turned into horrible monsters towards each other.) I don't hate you for it though. I turned gross too. I'm getting better though. 🙂

Gifts and kind gestures don't fix depression though. I needed professional help to get through Covid Isolation. But. She gave up on me instead of telling me to get help or explaining as someone out of my own mind that I stopped doing chores. It wasn't a choice. Depression is a mental disorder. It disables our ability to be happy and do things that make others happy that we love. We say and do things we don't mean. It's the way life is... We're only human. You gave me everything I thought I wanted and way beyond. But nothing fixes depression other than getting professional help from doctors. And that needs to be our own decision to make for ourselves if we are worth that kind of investment for our own quality of life; we have to love inside our bodies no matter what, and we only get one body and one mind. Let in; let doctors help. - I will help you if you decide you want the help, but the decision to GET help needs to be your own choice, as I have also made my own choice to get help on my own.

I wish I could have gotten help sooner so I could treat her the same way sheas trying to treat me, before she got depressed, too. But stuffed animals and gifts weren't going to save her either. The proof is in the bag I got her.. it made her so happy to get it but her own depression she just wanted to escape into it rather than face her own love in herself. It happened to me with video games, too. Babe I get it we both fell for depression at the same time.

Gifts are just little bandaids, and ours were holding back cracked dams of depression... I wish I could have done like I used to do without this dark cloud hanging over me not letting me be myself. Covid was a horrible year for us.. as individuals, both. All my brain wanted to do was escape my depression and so all I did was play games instead of getting real professional help, that I actually needed. No healing shows to go to or musicals - that's our love language.

This damn pandemic... I just want to go to shows to be happy again... But the thought of going alone is heartbreaking. It's really hard with E3 going on right now. Lots of great memories flooding in. None of what happened in our fallout means we meant to leave the way we did; you left with practically no notice and it made no sense.

Not to mean to beat a dead horse, I KNOW you don't want to hear this or accept this. I don't care if you end up single or dating someone else on your own merit, but Leo is not good for you and he is NOT a friend. He only wants you as a trophy as "the girl that got away". You are an amazing woman, Crystal. 7 1/2 Years I know what the good times AND the bad times are like and I wouldn't trade them for a minute without you. but Leo worked on you for months. He really did. You had no idea, after being manipulated so long. Try to look back to the beginning of how annoyed as fuck you were that he was messaging you again. You told me how mad you were "some guy" was messaging you, but you didn't tell me who. I wish you did, but how could you know this would happen unless it's happened with him before? But you also let him. You gave him the chance. I tried early to help you and you refused. I warned you the first time you said he was bothering you that I would help if you wanted me to tell him to go away... But you let the bastard talk you in to leaving anyways he started planting seeds in your mind months ago and worked on you slowly over time. I saw the messages because you have always told me you have nothing to hide from me. Only reason I ever looked.. I KNOW and I COULD SEE you didn't want to leave like this; one month before the pandemic ended... We both knew the end of the pandemic was near. But there's no helping you when you decide to leave.. no matter how badly I wanted to... I couldn't convince you otherwise. I know how you get by now after 7 1/2 years. You had a flare up and his words hit at the right time after badgering you for months... I should have let you go earlier so you could learn earlier but I was trying to protect you.

This is a lesson you needed to learn on your own though.. Leo is a manipulator and will never change that he is one. He's not even a friend, please get away from him as early on as you can. I don't mind if you find another guy that actually cares and is in it FOR YOU, or if you choose to stay single gonna while and reflect on what's happened in order to heal. If you don't get away, he will jump at you again the moment you let your guard down again. I know people like this (women) from my own past. I will not hold it against you for being convinced out of our relationship or hate you for it. We were both depressed, trying to break the cycle some way, some how. Come back to me; talk to me when you're ready. I will not force you, you need to decide and learn this on your own. Even if you just need to talk to me as a friend.

I hope it truly isn't the end for us... I'm not hopelessly obsessed, just addicted to your love and then you were gone cold turkey. The same day I then quit gaming and caffeine. I am sorry my withdrawals came out on you.. I want to give you a window into our past if you ever just so have the desire to look here again on your own. Some of these posts I have made already I forgot you might have been able to see so... Sorry if anything hurts you. Not intentional. Just venting at points. This hasn't been easy on me. I love you and couldn't call this the end, just yet. Not like this. I saved all the memories in the memory box, when you're ready to go through them again some day.

I do hate my body though for not physically being able to hold back messaging.. Like I can’t shut the fuck up when you leave cold turkey like this. You've done this twice now so I know you didn't mean it. Sorry Crystal. You didn’t deserve that. My love was so strong for you I forgot to love myself... And let you go. I know you couldn't handle seeing me and my depression day after day.. You couldn't fix me and you felt defeated. I needed to see a doctor to wake out of my depression. I wish I could go back and delete the messages. Those last few messages I just wanted you to get help with your thyroid. For you, not for me. Even though reading them they did come off like I'm trying to be an asshole. I wasn't trying to. Just feral after covid depression and being hit with you leaving without talking through things, that's all. It came off wrong, it was a bad time for me to try to help you while you were so upset.

I wouldn't have known you didn't mean this breakup to happen if you hadn't told me about your password in the exact way you had at least 25 times in our relationship with the exact words: "This is my password. Remember it. If there ever comes a time when you need to get in, use it; I have nothing to hide." I heard it singing that night in my mind... I KNEW something wasn't right. I had to listen to your past words and take your past words seriously after you saying it so many times. I did it for you; not for me. I only made sure I got caught because I hated myself for looking... Even though I was only following your own words because I love you and I cared enough to remember you telling me you had nothing to hide.

Maybe some day we can be mature enough to actually talk about things again.

I will be getting medication soon to help with the pain. I didn’t mean to take out all my frustrations on you, a lot has been built up inside me during the pandemic and I burst open with the cut of you walking away cold turkey. I hope you can find a doctor for your thyroid and other therapy you will need to get through this. Don't forget I love you and that I'd still do anything for you; even after all of this.

If you need help and don't know where else to go, talk to me. I'll help you through anything but you have to be willing to listen. - and if you don't know where to find me anymore... Talk to your mom. She should help us reconnect if you can't find your way on your own. I'll be waiting, but also focusing on bettering myself, too. Take care of yourself, love.

I hope you have the ability to forgive me some day. We had good times, too. Mostly good times. But that doesn’t make up for a year of depression and isolation. If you apologize I will have a lot to think about. But, I know... I will never forget you. What we had before he started interfering. I should have known when you were so hesitant to add him in PoGo. And then weeks later "someone" was bothering you on Facebook but you wouldn't tell me who. You said you could handle it on your own telling him to go away. I trusted you and dropped it. I let you handle it because I trusted you and can see your strength, but isolation made both of us weak. Thats where this all stemmed from... You sat and debated so long to add him in PoGo or not and I never understood...

But I understand why now... At least the tip of the iceberg. I saw months of his prying and prying thanks to your foresight of telling me you never had anything to hide from me. Thank you for telling me that. I knew something was wrong. I never meant it as a harmful act or selfish, only to help you. I made it look selfish and said that I did it for myself to try and protect you. I thought it would be easier on you to hate me... But even then

Later the next day you said "I don't hate you" from the bottom of your heart. I know that was you talking to me, not the panic. Not the entranced Crystal that couldn't control leaving. You didn't want to leave, but your body wouldn't let you stop and think. Neither did I.. I was so confused how you'd leave so much behind with places starting to open up, seemingly so easily. But we can't see when we are being manipulated by ourselves. We need others to tell us and try to help, so I did. I gave it all I could.

I was only doing what you always asked of me, that if you needed help I knew how to get in. That was always so important to you... Talk to me when you're ready.

I'd still love to go to this with you. So you can go for yourself. Doesn't and shouldn't be going for me until you're ready again. But, we owe it to ourselves to go and enjoy the things we love again. You wrote that paper on them and broke down their music. Don't forget that and that you love these bands too. We talked so much about their new songs as they were coming out. Do it for yourself. But yes I want to go too. Just not .. alone.

[savannahpfeifer-blog]

atk naked girls - The Do This, Get That Guide On Hairypussy Girls

The wind was blowing in our faces and Sarah was still trying to push away the guy forcing his kiss on her. Some of the other people on the deck were laughing at her feeble attempts to defend herself. I swear, no matter how much I hated my sister, if I had a gun right then I'd shoot that bastard or die trying. I pulled out my cell phone but cursed when I saw no bars. "Renauld, we have to go after them," Robby screamed as Renauld throttled the old fishing boat down. On impulse, I started snapping pictures, zooming in as close as I could. The boat was passing ours just then, so the shots were clear. Click on my name for previous parts of this story. My stomach clenched as I read the name painted across the stern; Stolen Kisses. " I watched Robby's face screw up in frustration for a moment, then he ran to the side rail to scream, "Sarah! going faster than we can go. He has a powerful patrol boat made to chase drug runners. I stared, helpless, wanting to cry and scream at the same time. "When we dock," he shouted out the pilot house door, "run to the harbor master, Selwyn Goodman. " It seemed to take forever for us to get there. He'll be able to catch them. Renauld was focused on piloting the boat for a quick arrival, but I couldn't help resting my hand on his shoulder to seek what comfort I could. When he finally threw the engine in reverse to ease the boat into its berth, Robby jumped over the rail and quickly tied off the line Camden threw to him. Then without waiting for us, he ran full speed up the wharf. Should you loved this article and you would want to receive more details concerning hairy hairy hairy hairy kindly visit our webpage. Renauld revved our engines to head into the marina. "Go," Renauld said to me as he killed the engine. Robby was too fast for us to catch, but we could see him running along the the shore towards a two-story stone building. Then back of their boat threw up a larger wake as it accelerated toward open water. " I kissed him quickly, then ran from the pilot house. Robby paced in frustration while Camden tried to comfort him. "Damn, still no signal," I muttered after checking my phone again. Panting hard, I slowed to a jog and tried to catch my breath. sister being groped on a yacht isn't worth a few gallons of gas to check out? " Robby asked a uniformed man wearing a scowl. His white shirt had black and gold striped epaulettes on the shoulders and an a nautical patch of some kind opposite the name tag. When Camden and I reached the stone building, I could hear Robby's raised voice. Camden and I jumped down to the wharf, helping each other over the growing gap when the boat hit the bumpers along the edge. You don't even remember the name of the boat! " I still had my phone in my hand, so I brought up the pictures I'd taken of the boat. When he slipped through the door, I finally admitted to myself I couldn't keep up with his pace. etched on a black plastic tag on his chest. It's called Stolen Kisses. " "Shit," Timothy muttered as he flipped through the pictures. "Mister Gaspard owns the resort," Timothy said with a significant look. "That's his son, Peter, with your sister right there. " He pointed the screen at us. "Dat's Mister Gaspard's boat. " Robby rubbed his hands together. " "It ain't worth my job, mon. "Okay, good, so let's go get 'em! "What do you want me to do? " He handed my phone back with a wary shrug. "If something happens to her, I'll make sure you lose more than your job. When Timothy kept that strained look on his face, Robby said, "What? Camden walked over to a old-fashioned black phone sitting on the counter. " My first thought was his balls, followed by his head. " Robby asked as he flung his hands out. " Timothy demanded as he tried to stop her, but she blocked him by giving him her back. " "You cannot call long distance from this phone," Timothy said as he tried to take the phone from her. I hate to bother you on vacation, but it's an emergency. " Camden put her hand over the phone and whispered to Robby, "My Uncle Mike is a District Commander in the US Coast Guard. "Don't worry, it's local," Camden said as she picked up the phone base and stepped away as far as the line would reach. I'll go get Captain Goodman right now. Yes, I'll keep you in the loop. " "Oh, Timothy just decided to do his job. Oh, I'm sure he'll take care of it for us. And this guy in the harbor master's office, Timothy, won't do anything. " She hung up the phone and gave Timothy an expectant look. "I didn't know you came here with your uncle," Robby whispered in confusion. She picked it up and began dialing. "Fine," Timothy went back behind the counter and down a hallway leading to the back. "No, an underage girl is on a boat heading out to sea and it looked like she was being taken against her will. Then he grabbed Camden and pulled her into a tight hug, kissing her hair. "She lied," I whispered to him and watched the confusion clear. "I am Harbor Master Selwyn Goodman. Thanks so much, Uncle Mike! " Selwyn caught me by surprise. "There's a very confused receptionist at the hotel," Camden whispered back with a sly grin. He stood there with his hands behind his back, stretching his uniform across his broad chest. Robby finally stepped forward. I had expected a far older man, with sun-wrinkled skin like a sailor in the movies. "Sir, my sister, Sarah, is on a boat heading out to sea. Selwyn was rail-thin, with an air of authority that defied his age. What seems to be the problem? She's underage and she was fighting off an older guy trying to kiss her. Show him the pictures. Robby looked so confused that I had to chuckle despite the tension. "Timothy, get the boat ready. " I pulled out my cell phone again and opened the photo app. "Let me get copies of these pictures and your statements. " "But Mister Gaspard will—" All it took was one glare from Selwyn to stop the words in his mouth. Selwyn swiped through the pictures, his mouth twitching when he came to the pictures of Sarah fighting off Peter Gaspard. Mom's secret burned in me constantly, drawing my attention like a sore tooth. They weren't in the suite and it wasn't time for dinner, so we went to the little covered bar near the pool and found Mom and Dad sitting together at a small table. They hadn't seen us yet. Then I will be in touch as soon as we can. " Selwyn looked at the trio with a firm expression. If Dad had know about Mom's time with Theo, he certainly wasn't happy about it now. I dreaded seeing them again. "I should let you guys talk to them alone," Camden said, her hand still firmly trapped in Robby's grip. " After transferring the pictures off my phone and writing down a basic statement of facts, we headed back to the hotel to let my parents know what was going on. " There was a tortured look of worry on his face. " She nodded, then we approached the table. Both had colorful drinks in front of them that contrasted with their stormy expressions. I didn't want her to leave, but left Robby to respond for us both. "You saw what happened, too. "We saw her leaving the bay on a yacht and she didn't look sober or willing. "Sarah may be in trouble," Robby said. They're gonna chase down the yacht to check on her for us. I figured the pictures told a better story than words and handed her my phone with the photo app open. Mom saw us first and nodded for Dad to look as well. It was obvious they were ignoring one another. " "Apparently his name is Peter Gaspard. "None of us knew she was going around with him. Mom scanned the pictures with a pale, blank expression. We've just come from the Harbor Master's office. " Camden and I confirmed what he said with nod. He is the son of the guy who owns this resort," Robby said. I was surprised that Dad smiled for a moment before he caught our expressions as we walked up. "What a colossal fuck-up," Dad sighed and placed his face in his hands. " "The officers locked the office when they went to their boat. "I've got signal here, we might as well stay put. " "So we wait," Dad sighed and signaled the bartender for another drink. They said they would call my phone when they knew something," Robby said. Camden sat close to Robby and I saw them holding hands under the table. No one was in the mood for small talk, so we sat around eating plantain chips with a garlic and basil dip. Around four in the afternoon Robby's cell phone rang. I think Mom noticed them as well, but there seemed to be an invisible barrier between her and Dad. "where do we need to go? This is his father, Max Myers. " His frown turned grim. How's my daughter, Sarah? Dad glanced at them as well before rubbing his hands on his face. Where will you be taking her? Dad grabbed it before Robby could answer it. " Robby asked as he caught his phone. I didn't know if he meant Sarah or the whole trip. "She's been drugged," he growled through clenched teeth. " Mom got up biting her lower lip and allowed Dad to lead her off. "There are bruises and she's still unconscious. "Fuck," Robby whispered. Janet and I will be going to the hospital. I'm going up to the room and shower. " The combination of salt water and sex had me feeling skeechy. " We all watched him end the call and slide Robby's phone back to him across the table. Yes, yes, we'll meet you there. "At least she's still alive. I heard her whisper, "Wanna come scrub my back? " Despite the tension, Robby shot her a grin and a nod, then we all left for the elevator. I'm gonna do the same," Camden said as she rubbed Robby's shoulder. "So stupid," I said with a sarcastic sniff. Washing away Renauld's scent gave me an unexpected sense of loss, but feeling clean after the rough day I'd had was still worth it. Robby and Camden got off on her floor while I went on up to our suite. I was alone for the first time since I before I arrived on the island. I got up and stretched my back. "And can I borrow something to wear? While I dried off and dressed, I heard someone come into the suite talking and laughing. " "Mind if I shower here? I opened my drawers to let her to search for something that might fit. " "Of course," I said. "Which drawer is Robby's," she asked with a wicked gleam. After getting clean panties and a long t-shirt, I stripped off the clothes I'd worn all day and stepped into the bathtub. She followed me into the room Robby, Sarah, and I shared. " "That's the plan," she laughed and ran off the to bathroom. I opened the door while I rubbed my hair in a towel. "He's gonna lose it when you come out wearing that. "Here," I shut my drawer and opened his instead. " "Dude, I saw you two on the deck chair when I went to get my clothes after swimming this afternoon," I admitted with a matching blush. " I made a pot of coffee while the water ran and Camden moaned. " He actually blushed, then let out a nervous chuckle. She picked out a pair of boxer briefs and one of his old soccer jerseys. Now I just smirked as I stirred cream in my coffee. When I went out into the suite, Robby was getting a drink of water in the kitchenette. I called her instead of texting back. " I couldn't keep the contempt out of my voice. Just a few days before, I'd have been weirded me out knowing my brother was screwing someone in the shower. " Her voice was full of sympathy, then she growled, "Dat Peter Gaspard is a royal ass. His daddy rolled in here a few years ago, throwin' his money aroun' and now he t'ink his own bum don' stink. "Aren't you supposed to be in there scrubbing her back? " Her anger brought out a thicker patois and, ironically, made me smile. My phone vibrated on the counter as a text came in. Sometimes he works the bar on his boat when dey have parties. " "No, but Theo knows him. Sarah could be so stupid sometimes. "Mom and Dad went to the hospital where the harbor master was taking her. It would be just like her to let some flashy guy talk her into a ride on his yacht and drink whatever he served her. " "Standing in our suite listening to Robby fuck Camden in the shower," I said with a sad chuckle. Rumor say Peter will drop a roofie on girls that don't move fast enough to suit him. "Want to join me for a cup of coffee? She had a bit of Robby's lack of awareness coupled with her own unique brand of poor impulse control. The noises in the shower built to a crescendo, then there was nothing but the hiss of the shower until I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door to let Vicky in and could feel her eyes tickle from my toes up to my damp hair. "If your parents are at the hospital, what are you doin'? Her coconut scent preceded her lips by a moment when she greeted me with a soft kiss. "I'm still in the spa. "I've never been in one of the suites before," Vicky said as she dropped her purse on the counter and kicked off her sandals. "Come on in," I said as I took her hand to lead her inside. The view overlooked the beach. " "Come see the view," I said as I handed her a cup of coffee and walked to the sliding glass door. " "Drugged and beaten up, but alive. "Last night was amazing," Vicky whispered while staring down at the waves. "I feel overdressed," Vicky whispered as she stepped closer. The sun was heading towards the horizon, making the sky above us darken. "And apparently it was again after we left. " While I waited, I poured another cup of coffee for Vicky. Simone came by at lunch and. Vicky had her curly black hair pulled back in a tie leaving her long neck exposed down to her collar. We stood close, sipping coffee. She looked over to find me studying her and asked, "Did you have fun on the boat today? " "It was pretty intense. "Yes," I agreed quietly. " I smiled as I recalled the way Renauld responded to me taking control. I loved the way the color of her skin deepened under her jaw. "He really cares about you, you know," Vicky said with a suppressed smile. " "It scares me a little," I admitted. "I was expecting a summer fling and a few laughs. " "She told me," Vicky chuckled. I never counted on him. "And I never expected to understand what Simone meant. " The tangle of fear, hope, and desire left me silent. "I know it's quick, but he's got it bad. " Kissing her sped my heart rate. " I asked when the kiss broke. Her coffee eyes captured me. " I didn't know whether to share his tearful reaction at the end. "She kept telling me I would one day. " I kissed her this time, offering my open mouth for her to explore while I fanned my fingers up her back. What I felt for Renauld was so different from the way Vicky made me feel, but my attraction toward both of them was undeniable. Be with them even, without losing anything she and I have. " Vicky said as she sat her coffee cup on the railing and pulled me into her arms. "Wow," Robby whispered from the open sliding door into the patio. "That I can love her and still care deeply about others. Camden stood beside him with a smirk as she clutched his arm. They both had that freshly fucked look coupled with a look of happy surprise. Vicky gripped the back of my long t-shirt in her fists as she pulled me tight. Vicky, this is my brother Robby and his friend Camden. "I've heard a lot about you. " "Nice to meet you both at last," Vicky said, but kept her arm around my waist. I was proud when I didn't jump away. Mind if we join you out here? I was lost in that kiss, feeling the heat swirling in my stomach as I hungered to taste her again. There were four chairs, but I soon found Vicky had moved her chair to snuggle closer to me. "Nice to meet you, too. Robby was clearly struggling to connect the dots and see the picture. Camden waited for Robby to sit, then plopped in his lap, leaving an empty chair. heard," Robby mumbled as he kept looking back and forth between us. " Vicky leaned into my arm as if to let me explain for us both. " Camden asked for them both while Robby shook his head as if to clear it. "So Renauld doesn't mind that you. " Robby asked Camden out loud. "I thought you said bisexual doesn't mean threesomes? I covered my face with my hand while Vicky chuckled silently into my shoulder. " I asked, trying not to give an explicit answer to Robby's question. "Who do you think cooked us dinner last night? " "Okay," I said to draw his attention. "You met Simone at lunch, right? mean threesomes, but other people like what they like," Camden said. Vicky and I moved around to the other side of the small table on the patio. So we had dinner last night and ended up in bed together. "I just prefer my relationships one-at-a-time. I realized that I'd have to spell this out or Robby would just keep asking embarrassing questions. I was attracted to both Renauld and Vicky, and they both like me. Vicky and Simone live together and have an open relationship. "I wish I had my camera equipment on this trip. You're both so gorgeous! " Robby shrugged and waved his free hand. I'd shoot you together in a heartbeat. " "I love the contrast in your skin tones and bone structure," Camden said. " Vicky and I looked at each other. "All I know is watching you two kiss was fuckin' hot and that creeps me out because one of you is my sister. Every time I peeked I caught his eyes shooting our direction. The mutual attention seemed to be turning Vicky on, free amateur hairy pussy pics too, based on how her hands were sliding up my bare leg. I heard Camden hum as Robby kissed her, too. She pressed into the damp fabric. Trust me; Renauld didn't mind at all. The tickling touch opened my knees to her fingers. Vicky's mouth twitched before she leaned in to give me a tender kiss. The idea of Camden photographing us made me hot, but I would be too nervous to just come out and say it. " When we stood, Camden was already leading Robby back inside with a carefree smile over her shoulder. She tilted her head in a clear invitation. We followed them into the bedroom Robby, Sarah, and I shared. "Why don't we go somewhere more comfortable? Robby kept glancing back like he was making sure we were coming. I shivered despite the heat. She was still in her hotel uniform and I wanted to taste her skin. I gripped her shoulders to leverage myself closer to the edge of the chair. Her shorts and thong went next, followed by my panties, then we giggled as we threw the bedspread on the floor and climbed onto the cool sheets together. " Vicky whispered as she slipped one finger up and down the slick gusset of my panties. She allowed me to open her shirt and push it back over her shoulders before she lifted my shirt over my head. I got lost in Vicky's lips, my fingers running along her cheeks and into her hair. I kissed her as I untucked the white shirt from her shorts. I lifted my hips and opened myself to her hungry mouth. I hadn't paid much attention to Camden and Robby, but when Vicky pushed me back into the pillows and kissed my breasts, I caught them watching from the other bed. I pulled Vicky around to stand at the foot of the bed I slept in. When I cried out, she rode my bucking hips, her tongue flickering across my nubbin. My back arched on its own as my legs opened wider. She consumed me with her hands pulling at my hips to keep us connected. "Cum for me," she begged, her words whispered across my wet skin. All I remember was crying and writhing in bed while she fed from my body. Just as I teetered over the edge, she filled me with two fingers, pressing in on that sensitive spot inside that forced me even higher. She let me go long enough to slide up behind me and wrap me in her arms while I quivered and shook. "Oh, Vicky," I murmured as she dipped the tip of her tongue down lower. With her arms around me, I saw Robby laying on his back with Camden riding him slowly. She was watching us with a heavy lidded look of lust as she rocked against Robby's cock. The sensations took my breath, making me hold on tighter to keep her tongue where I needed it. "You two were so hot," Camden whispered. "I think I've cum a half-dozen times so far. Robby didn't appear able to open his eyes or do more than whimper. "God, it feels so good but I don't want it to end. "It's never been like this," he gasped. " Camden leaned forward to rest her hands on his shoulders. She ground so hard against Robby that his mouth opened. " "So close," Robby moaned as he lifted his hips to meet hers. " Vicky gripped by hand and sucked my neck as Robby shouted out his passion. When I couldn't take it anymore, I climbed away from her mouth. For the first time in my life she lifted me into a kind of cosmic, never-ending orgasm. Kissing while I ran my hands along her body, she opened her wet lips to my fingertips. When Camden collapsed against his chest, I rolled girls atk hairy login pussy porn over to give Vicky my full attention. The slick opening sucked my fingers in to trace inside her. I want to feel your heat. Seconds later she froze, her body stiffening as she convulsed to climax. " "Way to go, Robby," I whispered with a cheeky grin. Vicky whispered French in my ear while I brought her along. " I kissed her brow as I met Camden's lazy gaze from Robby's chest. She tickled her fingers along my back, kissing me until she wasn't able to do more than moan. " The quiet knock brought us all up to stare at the suite door. I never expected how satisfying it would be to watch someone else like that. Let me know if you want me to continue with your votes or. "So good," Vicky muttered.

[hollywoodprint]

4. Sorry Not Sorry

4. Sorry Not Sorry

Avery was not going to find heartthrob Max Kelly standing off to the side of all the action. She decided to start her celebrity hunt at the bar. She doubted he got his own drinks but someone would know where he was.

Wanting to look the part but also remembering the purpose of the night, she opted out on a cocktail. Instead she found herself at the bar with a beer.

Everything about tonight was unusual.

It wasn’t long before she heard whispers about Max.

“Well I hear he’s still hooking up with his ex.”

“And I know for a fact is this guy has got to be hard core into drugs or the booze. No one that famous can be T-total clean.”

It was good gossip but it wasn’t getting her any reliable material for her story.

Two men tried buying Avery a drink. Each time she declined their beer and offer for company. After being half way through bottle number two, she was at a dead end at the bar. She was no closer to finding Max Kelly then she was when she originally arrived.

Hand firmly around her drink; she made a conscious decision to slow down before she took her part in this play too far too soon.

Avery started to make a round about the giant room that was the club. A song came on that she heard while shopping tonight with Ainsley. She quietly bobbed her head to herself.

She stopped walking once her feet met the edge of the dance floor. Everyone was so close to each other, all leaning in to whisper in ears of their friends because the music was too loud.

Doing a wide scan of the room, Avery’s head keep a light bob to the beat of the music.

The hairs on the back of her neck stood up to attention. She knew immediately there was a man behind her. As she was turning  to decline anything he was about to offer, he stops her with a whisper, “A woman who drinks beer. A rarity nowadays. I’m more than certain most of the ladies in here are drinking a Cosmo.”

He finally leans away but he doesn’t go too far. She turned ready to shoo him away like she had the others. In case he scared off Max Kelly.

She was a met with quite the surprise.

Max Kelly had come to her.

He was more gorgeous than he looked in photographs. Avery, under any other circumstances, would have drooled over him. He was the classic handsome that teenage girls selected for posters in their rooms.

However she was on a mission, those willow green eyes and wavy black hair had to stop playing tricks on her. She had to keep her head in the game.

Once he realized she was sizing him up and with no shame at that, Max held a palm out, requesting her hand.

Avery had seen this move in the movies and yet she was still not expecting him to kiss the back of her hand when he did.

Trying to play the role of gentleman? This guy was too much to handle.

He leaned in again, “What might your name be?”

“I’m Avery. Most people call me Ace.”

He was already smiling at her when she said Avery but her nickname threw him for a loop as he leaned back chuckling. He spoke up but didn’t invade her space, “You really must be a Warrior Princess with a name like that.”

She smiled and reminded her heart to stay firmly in her chest. No time for small talk. Brass tax it had to be. “Who is that big guy behind you?” She waved at what had to be Max’s bodyguard.

Max explained but a song louder than the last came on and she couldn’t hear him. She moved this whole charade along, “I’m having a hard time hearing you.”

He takes her hand in his own. Guiding her, he leads her to the farthest side of the club, away from everything. Lively but a much more quiet section of the club, a mini bar set up among the couches.

Avery kept some space between them, beer and her hands in her lap.

“That.” he nodded at the tall bald guy a couch or two away, “Is my bodyguard Michael.”

She smiled, “Do you use him often?”

He gave her a cocky grin before inquiring, “So you do know who I am?”

She decided since so much of this involved secrecy she would be honest with him when she could. “I would have to live under a rock to not know that you’re Max Kelly.”

“You’re blunt.”

“Most would people say so. Yes.”

“Good.” Max could hear Chase in his head saying he needed less Hollywood treatment in his life.

His mind let him wonder what Chase would think of this girl.

Wait? Since when did anyone skip his bed and roll right into meeting the best friend?

He inwardly shook his head free from her spell. She hadn’t even been in his arms yet and Max was already giving her special treatment.

He found himself asking more about her, “Where are you from Ace?”

For some reason when he used her nickname she didn’t cringe nor did it make her want to punch him in the face. It was natural coming from his lips. Beautiful full lips.

Avery focused. “I was born in New York. Later I was brought up in Georgia.”

“Interesting, which state do you like the best?”

Who was interviewing whom?

“Each state has something to offer.”

“Spoken like a politician. Answering but not answering.”

“Still honest.” She flipped the script, recalling she had a job to do. “I’m surprised you’re alone. You usually have an entourage of people. At least that’s what the pictures say.”

Inquiring but in a relaxed manner. She was supposed to be digging for unknown information but casually.

Though he hadn’t known her long, Max found himself wanting to tell her his life story. He couldn’t figure out why. “Sometimes I guess I just miss being a normal dude. Even when I was just modeling back in the day, I had more down time to myself.”

“But you could have easily just stayed at home tonight.”

He couldn’t admit to her that his house was too empty these days. It was getting harder and harder to come back after a long day, week or month of movie shooting to come home to a bare house.

Instead he gave her a Max Kelly answer, “They have my favorite beer here.”

She noticed he gave her a peek inside the window of the real Max without saying a word. Much more than he had ever given anyone else.  His eyes really did tell a story—he was missing something.

She wanted more of that story. “Let me buy you a beer.”

A waitress stopped to flirt with Max. Undeterred, Avery ordered them both another drink.

He liked that she didn’t display any displeasure or jealousy in the attention he so frequently received. She was also direct. This woman was becoming more and more like a unicorn. Unseen, mysterious and magical.

“The next one is on me.” Max chuckled as their new drinks arrived.

She quickly shook her head no. He couldn’t help but watch her as the curls bounced to and fro. One word left her lips, “Nope.”

“Oh come on. What kind of man lets a woman buy?”

“The kind that keeps company with me.”

Avery questioned herself: Where was this coming from?

“Well Ace you are interesting company.”

The strangest part is that Avery could feel herself keeping up this playful banter.

After a swift thought, she puts her beer down, “Okay. You want to return the drink favor?”

Max was about to get the attention of another waitress.

“No more drinks. You and me Kelly. Dance floor.”

Avery stands fighting the urge to pull her dress down. Her clutch in one hand and her other using her pointer finger to beckon Max. She coaxes him to go back out into the noise.

Their beers finished and on the table the duo make their way to the music.

There was a mix playing. Off went Ariana Grande and on came Avery’s shower favorite.

Demi Lavato- Sorry Not Sorry.

In that moment she was just Avery. And she was just having fun with a new friend.

The way that yelp of happiness left her, made Max aware that this was her jam.

“Show me that Ace up your sleeve girl!”

And she did just that. No one approached them but everyone watched.

Avery’s hair was in her face, curls bouncing from side to side. Her hips switched with the beat and she wasn’t sorry. She guessed the three beers had set in because something in her allowed her normal reserve loose for the evening.

She noticed that Max was noticing her and not really dancing. She walks up to him, those hips not missing a beat and she whispers in his ear, “You can’t dance or something?”

The Hollywood star gave her a diamond smile, “Or something.”

“I guess I’ll bring the dancing to you then.”

She danced around him, on impulse she patted his butt. The only look of surprised he showed was a raised eyebrow.

Avery yelled, “Come on Max! Show me what you got! Work off that beer you owe me!”

Max was a leader, always had been. He took over, braking out his best dance moves. He was relaxed for the first time in a long time. His chest popped and the rest of his muscles ebbed and flowed like water. He hadn’t moved like this in years.

As soon as the thought of regretting this in the morning entered his mind, it just as fast exited as he watched Avery retaliate. There was some move he swore she stole from Beyoncé who in all honestly stole it from Tina Turner but, who’s worried about dance history?

The sass in the air slap, Avery’s walk better than any model he had every seen. Though her bottom was the second attribute he noticed, her legs being the first—he had never seen a butt move like hers.

The floor was his again and they went back and forth once more until Max bent over and grabbed her by the legs, pulling Avery close.

Before Max stood and spun her around, all she could see was Michael giving them the thumbs up from the front of the crowd. This made her fist pump in the air in acknowledgment.

It hadn’t hit her what they just did all of this in a downtown Los Angeles club until they were laughing together outside. The cool air welcomed from the hot dancing that just went on inside.

“I guess that’s your power song?” Max laughed as he texted his driver for a pickup.

“More like my shower song.” More honesty.

He pictured her naked but immediately decided, now wasn’t the time.

“Well Mr. Kelly.” Her voice cut into his thoughts before they could go anywhere else. “It was very pleasurable meeting you.”

She taps her phone, finds the Uber app and is about to head home. She hadn’t really gotten any details other than Max’s hidden talent of pop, lock and dropping it on the dance floor.

This was going to take some time. Another meeting or two should do it.

Hopefully.

A light shines in her face before she can finish selecting a cab. Max’s Uber app is open. He already slected an UberSelect. She justed needed to punch in her address. “No. Allow me to get you home.”

His smiled was genuine. “It was lovely meeting you as well Ace.”

Avery shook her head in disbelief but used his phone; something tells her this would get her another chance to meet him somehow.

“Maybe one day you’ll tell me how you got that nickname?” As he inquired, she handed her phone back. She only had three minutes before her ride was here.

“One day?” As in he wanted to see her again?

Max nodded, “One day.”

They both goofily grinned at each other as a red 2017 Mercedes CLA met Avery at the curb.

He got the back door for her, “One day.”

“Until then Mr. Kelly.”

He tipped his imaginary hat to her and closed the door. Max watched as the Uber took her as far as he could see before getting into the back of the Range Rover.

“You know Mike, you disappear when Tracey comes around. The night I find the unicorn I can’t shake you.”

“A unicorn, Mr. Kelly?”

“You know, when you meet someone unlike anyone you’ve ever known before.”

“Ahh. Well, look at it this way…With your theory, as long as I’m near there will be no more Tracey and more time with the unicorn.”

Max’s smile faded, “I didn’t get her number!”

“You didn’t get a phone number?!” The driver and the bodyguard couldn’t believe it.

“Yeah I was too busy making sure she got home safe.”

The driver was impressed at his chivalry,

An idea popped into Michaels head, “That’s it! You got her address.”

Max frowned, “Thanks Mike. That’s not stalkerish at all.”

“Hey anything for a unicorn right?”

“Well,” Max looked out the window into the night life of Los Angeles, a small smile broke his frown,“…maybe one day…”

[fesahaawit]

What If You Only Tried to Be 10% Happier?

Two weeks ago, I shared the news that I have been dealing with some pretty intense anxiety on a daily basis. In that same post, I asked if you had any recommendations for audiobooks or podcasts on the subject of meditation. I had concluded that slowing down and breathing more would be the solution to this problem, and I wanted to collect data and insight from all of you, so I could map out a plan to get back to my normal self as quickly as possible. Yes, I can see the oxymoron in that statement: I knew I would have to slow down, but I wanted to do it right away and get it over with. (More on this later.)

The first piece of advice I took was to listen to my friend Brooke McAlary’s interviews with Kevin Janks. I will admit that I was secretly praying I would find a story of someone who had gone through exactly what I was going through. (Isn’t that what we’re all hoping for, to some degree? To make that connection and feel like you’re not alone?) So, at first, I was disappointed because I couldn’t quite relate to his story about where he thought his anxiety stemmed from. In fact, it made me wonder what the heck I had to be anxious about. I don’t have a high-stress job or demanding clients or anything like that. My tasks are my own and most of my deadlines are self-imposed. I am in control of that part of my life.

But then Kevin started describing how his anxiety felt – like there was something crushing his chest – and I let out a huge sigh of relief. Yes. YES. That is exactly what my anxiety feels like.

In the weeks leading up to when I published that post, I woke up every day feeling as though there was an elephant on my chest. And if the elephant wasn’t there, at first, he stomped his way over by 8am and curled up to have an all-day nap. It wasn’t painful, but it did feel like there was a weight on my chest that had squeezed my lungs down to the size of peanuts. As a result, I was constantly gasping for air, feeling as though I could never get enough oxygen. And the worst part was that, as time went on and this continued, I couldn’t focus on anything. I would stare at my computer and think about working or writing, but I couldn’t. All I could do was try to catch my breath and calm my anxious mind.

Since listening to Kevin describe his experience, and identifying how my own anxiety physically felt, the solutions to help minimize it became a lot more clear. Aside from downloading those episodes of the Slow Home Podcast, I did two other things that day. The first is something I’ll tell you about in further detail in a future post. The second thing I did was meditate. It started with a simple 10-minute body scan. I closed my eyes, took slow and deep breaths, and focused on different parts of my body. During those 10 minutes, I couldn’t help but notice the weight was being lifted from my chest as my heart rate and blood pressure normalized. I opened my eyes and felt more relaxed than I had been in weeks.

Honestly, I felt like I was floating. The oxygen I so desperately needed had finally poured in. It was like the time I flew back to Victoria after being in Toronto for months and the fresh, ocean air made my eyes glaze over. There was no weight; only light. I thought I was cured.

So, you can imagine how disappointed I was when the elephant came back a few hours later. I didn’t even see him coming. He just stomped his way over, sat down and crushed my lungs again. Fortunately, when I noticed that it felt like I was gasping for air, I knew what to do. I closed my eyes and took a few more deep breaths, until some of the weight had lifted. As the day went on and the weight got heavier, I took more deep breaths. Eventually, I stopped what I was doing and meditated for 10-15 minutes. That seemed to remove about 90% of the weight, even 100% for a short while. And I have repeated this process every time I have felt him start to stomp across my chest since.

One of the most interesting things I have learned since starting my very-new-to-me meditation practice is that nothing is going to cure my anxiety overnight. But when I said earlier that “the solutions to help minimize it became a lot more clear,” the keyword in that sentence was “minimize”. I am learning that lots of things reduce my anxiety: switching tasks, going for a walk or hike, soaking in an epsom salt bath and even reading. And, of course, meditation has proven to be beneficial in more ways than one. I’m sleeping better, focusing more and getting all of my work done. The weight is still there, but these small wins show huge promise. I need to exercise patience and know it will take time to feel like myself again.

Aside from listening to Brooke’s podcast, I have read two books in the past two weeks, one of which was 10% Happier by Dan Harris (another recommendation from many of you). Like Kevin’s interview, I couldn’t relate to everything Dan shared in his book. However, when he started talking about the period of time in which he used drugs and alcohol as coping mechanisms, a rush of memories and thoughts flooded through me. Something I’m starting to come to terms with is that I have probably had a low level of anxiety for many years, but I used a lot of quick fixes to alleviate it. Alcohol, drugs, junk food, shopping, etc. Things that would make me feel 100% happier in the moment.

Of course, none of them worked. Quick fixes never do. They are bandaids put over deep wounds that need more love and care and a longer recovery time. Yet I continued to do these things over and over again for years, and paid for it in other ways that I ignored for even more years. I reached my heaviest weight, made countless regrettable decisions and ended up being maxed out financially – all because I was always looking for that quick fix.

The more I think about the title of Dan’s book, I can’t help but wonder: what would you do differently, if you stopped thinking every bad day needs to be “fixed” with something? Or if you gave up on the idea that any problem could be solved with one big purchase or one night out? Or if you stopped trying to increase your productivity or the number of workouts you do by 100%, 200% or more? Or if you stopped comparing yourself to your favourite influencers, and feeling as though you have to start doing exactly what they do RIGHT NOW to reach their level of success? What would it look like if you only tried to be 10% happier, in any given scenario?

Could it help you find even a few simple things to be grateful for on the seemingly worst days? Could it keep more money in your bank account, which could later be put towards things you truly value? Could it help you find more satisfaction at work, at home and in your relationships? Could it stop you from making regrettable decisions? Could it give you some perspective and remind you of the incredible progress you’ve already made? Could it make you 10% happier? And wouldn’t that be great?

When I think about some of the biggest changes I’ve made in my life – specifically, quitting drinking and impulse shopping – I know that they weren’t made overnight. The same way I’m learning that lots of things reduce my anxiety, there were a lot of things that helped me in those scenarios too – and oddly enough, many of them are the same. Deep breathing, walking, hiking, and reading in the bath. Writing about it here also helped. Right now, I’m doing a lot of that too, but in a notebook for my eyes only. None of these things has ever made me 100% happier overnight, but they have all helped me feel 10% happier in the moment. They are mini quick fixes, if you will, but part of a long-term strategy.

I know it’s not always easy to look at a long-term plan and feel like it’s going to work. Trust me, this is the #1 struggle people share with me when they talk about why it’s difficult to stay motivated when saving for retirement. But just like our monetary investments, I believe a long-term approach to happiness will give us the best results. You are worth the time and energy.

So, I’m not cured. As much as I wish I could, I can’t slow down, meditate a few times and expect my anxiety to disappear. But I can say I feel better. I still have two hours left of Dan’s audiobook to get through, so I don’t know the ending quite yet… but as I noticed myself feeling a little better each week, I applied the book title to this specific period of my life and realized that is all I could really ask for: to be 10% happier and healthier than I was the week before. Two weeks ago, I meditated and thought I was cured. Last week, I realized I was 10% happier. Today, I think it’s safe to say I’m about to hit the 20% happier mark. This feels like good progress. And I’m in it for the long haul.

What could you do today to feel 10% happier?

PS – Thank you to everyone who entered the giveaway for a subscription to Calm. A random draw made with the Rafflecopter app named Meaghan S. the winner. Enjoy, Meaghan!

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