#imalive.txt

[skatecatz]

blegh i think im ready to finally call my dad and start talking to him semi regularly. i havent talked to him since june and frankly i miss him, the baggage of that being that i desperately do Not want to talk to my mom and im worried about that opening up contact to her somehow. i think that if i keep my boundaries firm that wont be a problem but still nervewracking.

i think im ready to be a little more honest with him for my own sake about where im at in my life and the things im prioritizing. it just feels like i need to be true to myself when talking to him now that everything is basically out in the open, with the caveat of obviously like not sharing too much about my political life because that feels ridiculous to do. frankly though, i do want him to know that im working at a bookstore and spending my time organizing freaky trans art events and working on my own art and reading so fucking much for the first time in so long and going out into the woods semi regularly. im like the happiest ive ever been in my life and im scared of the ways he'll react to where my happiness comes from but i also just dont care anymore and i need to be more openly myself so i can stop being fucked with mentally by my own making and chronic compartmentalizing.

everything is now and i am every version of myself at once

[skatecatz]

i’m two days old and was thrown in the trash…I CANT SURVIVE

[skatecatz]

i have a giant new bookshelf that my chosen big brother helped me bring find and transport. we sorted all my books into sections, which for now are as follows from the top right and down

big bookshelf: anarchy, how-to/self-help, activism/movement work, history, prison studies, zines, fiction anthologies, & fiction

medium bookshelf: polar studies, queer studies, erotica/kink/sex, art (music/film/etc), memoirs/lit crit, esoteric/witchcraft, & philosophy/spirituality/psych/brain crazies

littlest: mass market paperbacks, poetry, drama, comics, zine collections, games

charlie said it looks like a study in here now which is THE GOAL. i am the worlds gayest little ship captain and these r my quarters

[skatecatz]

made a space in my new place to think about my dead friend and to mourn and practice making ritual with grief more often. it feels good to have physically in my room. folk punk & anarchy & loving the land are all wrapped up in loss and sadness in lots of overlapping ways

[skatecatz]

day in the life. brokeass bookseller/catsitter.

bad shit: exhausted, sort of nauseus, weirdly sick, having trouble sleeing in the heat, misgendered even though my tits are clearly male presenting, ennui

good shit: dust the cat took her iv fluids with zero problems today im so proud of her, i have shrimp yakisoba takeout for dinner, im catsitting for a older trans man anime dweeb with an ac unit, im hot

[skatecatz]

short pdx trip to get a SICK ASS WOLF TAT from an artist ive been wanting ink from since i was 17 :3 was Pretty Damn Painful but i was kinda chilling cause he was so nice and the soft country music vibe at the queerpunk studio was working for me

turns out we have hella buds in common which is unsurprising b/c “eco anarchist trans queers” is a deeply incestuous subculture. also met my friends little baby who rules and her little kitty cat. went to the commie bookstore and got a witchcraft book and drank a lot of hipster beers. kinda wish i budgeted to stay a little longer but needed to get the cheapest tickets considering the tat price :p another time

[skatecatz]

ok this feels workable

i can work with this