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incorrect-myinnerdemon-quotes · 5 years ago

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One-shot I’m Sorry & Guilty Feelings

If you’re wondering this was a request from my Wattpad account so what I’m doing is posting it here. If you’re wondering, yes, I have a Wattpad account. These are both in the same timeline btw. Characters might be slight OOC

. . .

There weren't many times where Leif and Noi had gotten into arguments but when they did they weren't bad, neither were they violent either, it was always fights full of insults and empty threats; Leif wasn't allowed to kill anyone on the team mostly due to the fact that it was Prince Asch decision to not have him killed. This was one of the more recent fights on who could kill Ava, the prisoner they kept.

When they fought like this it was around the others, usually Rhys or Pierce, the ones who always broke up their fights like this except this time they were alone no one there o stop the fight before it got worse. The others were in their share of the apartment, the room they created to stay at, most likely having a discussion on what to do and how they would further there research on the human world or what to do next. The fight wasn't with magic but instead physical hits that pushed the other back along with insult that made the other's heart have a slight ache by how true some of them could be.

The fight followed them out of Ava's room and it got worse by the second, tension grew at a quick rate and so did the threats and insults too but before they knew it chaos unfolded into something that would cause a death in the group of demons. The words that cut even deeper than Leif could have ever imagined they could.

"Why do you keep trying to kill her? You know you can't do it know your the least powerful one here!"

"N-no I'm not! Stop saying things like that I'm powerful, just as powerful as you!"

"NO YOU AREN'T!" His voice was raised louder than usual. "Stop saying things like that, you can't do anything Noi, your the most useless demon here you not being here wouldn't change a single thing at all!"

"You useless disgrace of a demon, you should have died that day instead of having Prince Asch save you."

Noi's eye's widened as he backed up in response to what Leif said, tears already falling from his eyes; Leif grinned. "Just run away already! You're already useless enough with how much you put this group at risk with how bad you are at even being a soldier." Leif shouted maintaining a glare. Noi backed up and turned on his heels an ran, once he turned the corner Leif could hear his footsteps, the door open and slammed behind him. He was gone.

Leif let out a huff and crossed his arms. 'He ran away, how typical of someone as low level as him, people who run away from there problems are cowards.' Leif thought. He felt a hand on his shoulder and then a burning situation there, it was Prince Asch. "Leif, where's Noi?" He said it in a chillingly calm tone that amounted to terror in how angry he truly was. He jerked away rubbing his inflamed shoulder with a scowl on his face. "Why the hell would I know that?! Do you think I keep track of the kid or something like that." Leif said. "He's not that important anyway..." Leif muttered

Prince Asch crossed his arms and looked at him with a glare. "Don't you dare try and lie to me Leif, if you did something to him and he ends up dead you'll be dead as well."

Well, shi-

. . .

And so him, Prince Asch, Pierce, Rhys and also Ava who Prince Asch forced to come along searched out high and low for Noi, he had no luck in finding him, but his luck turned around when the guilt set in and he was sat alone on a park bench. "If you wanna find Noi, he'd on the bridge nearby I expect you to apologize to him." He looked up to see Pierce with a glare on his face, it was unusual that he would confront him like that, he never confronted anyone like that.

Pierce and Noi were close, kinda like brothers, if something upset the other the other one would find out what happened and make sure it didn't happen again. The weirdest thing was why was Noi on a bridge and why hadn't Pierce dealt with the situation, it was another thing he never understood, but that's how friendships work apparently. "And why are you so concerned about it, its none of your business!" Leif asked. Pierce shook his head and sighed. "It is when you hurt my friend Leif, I expect for you to apologize to him at the end of the day," Pierce said.

Leif rolled his eyes and got up with a huff. "Fine where's the bridge, I'll go and apologize to him, where is he?" Pierce pointed to where the bridge was, it was a while away but Leif could easily make it there in a matter of time. "There," Leif sighed. "I'm only doing this because Prince Asch wants him back on the team if he wasn't don't expect that I wouldn't have apologized if he wasn't." And on that note, Leif stormed off towards the bridge.

Leif could say he was a good liar, most people fell for them expect for Prince Asch and Pierce, they had been able to see through any lie he had told and he personally found it a little amazing that they could. So eventually he made it to the bridge and there he could see Noi sitting in the edge looking down at the water kicking his feet back and forth, another wave of guilt washed over him; this wasn't the Noi he knew, he wanted the old one back.

He walked up to him and sat next to him, silence spread across them and the tension grew thicker than before. "Hey Noi, how are you today?" Noi didn't answer back, Leif sighed, this would be more difficult than he thought. "Noi look I'm sorry that I said those things, you can probably forgive me right?" Leif asked. Noi stayed silent but the tension kept on growing until he finally gave his answer.

"I don't accept your apology after what you said Leif."

Leif huffed and stood up, muttering things under his breath, he kicked the rock, he slipped back on the rock and fell. He turned around so he'd catch the edge of the bridge, he looked to Noi, Noi looked back at him with a blank expression. "Noi, what the hell are you doing?! Help me, I'm gonna fall you, idiot!" Leif shouted Noi looked to him a shook his head. "What do you mean no?! Are you insane?! You can't let me die!" Noi didn't respond to him and left him there to hang on with his life.

'I'm a failure, after all that hard work, I'm sorry Prince Asch, my parents, gosh I've been falling for a long time, this is really gonna hurt.' Leif thought. A hand grabbed Leif's hand, Leif looked up; Noi. Leif grinned. "I knew you wouldn't let me die, your not like that Noi!" Leif said, Noi smiled at him. "I didn't say I wasn't going to let you die, I just want to be the cause of it."

Leif's eye widened as he felt his hand slip from Noi's grip. "W-what the hell are you doing Noi?! You can't kill me!" Leif shouted but Noi kept on letting his grip on Leif's hand slip second by second. "Apologize," Noi said.

Leif gripped at Noi's hand, clinging on it because his life was in his hands. "Noi- Noi... Don't let go, you can't do this, we'll both fall." Leif begged. Noi looked at him with an innocent smile, Leif looked down at the water in the bridge when he felt his hand slip, he looked back up to Noi with a pleading look.

"Noi... Please, don't do this... I'm sorry..."

"Apology unaccepted, I'll make sure to thank Pierce for his help in setting this up."

He let go of Leif's hand and Leif fell and fell until he fell into the water shock of pain ripping through his back by the impact. Leif couldn't name many situations where he panicked but this was one of them. He mistakenly left his mouth open and inhaled a bunch of water, it filled his mouth and until he closed it. He desperately tried to swim back up but his arms hurt too much to try. He kept on sinking and sinking into the darkness at the bottom of the water as he fell deeper into the water, he felt slightly numb.

And there he was, left for dead, left to drown by someone who was thought to be innocent, surprisingly not and also helped set up by a friend of his.

Everything was starting to be consumed by static until nothing was left. The voices screaming for him to wake up didn't wake him up, only made him fall deeper into sleep until there was nothing left.

. . .

Falling, falling, falling, that's all he was doing was falling into a deep dark inky void. He was in a relaxed space until something gripped at his chest and lunged him forwards into a light, he let out a scream as pain ripped through his entire body lunching him forward into the light.

His eyes opened and he started to cough up water the others by his side slowly backing away to give him some space. He was alive except when he looked around Noi wasn't there, but his partner in crime Pierce was. Why did he even bother coming if he planned this all along?

. . .

Ever since that day Leif constantly put the blame of his near-death onto Pierce and Noi, but no one listened. With no evidence there or to play at all nothing, he said was true until someone else came up to say something to defend him, someone who didn't lie.

"I'm telling you! They tried to kill me!-"

"No, they didn't! And if you keep on saying that I'll-"

"Leif is telling the truth, me and Noi tried to kill him, Noi pushed him off that bridge I helped!" Pierce blurted out a guilty look on his face. Everyone stared at him, the thing was Pierce didn't lie and even if he was Asch could tell, yet he couldn't object, but slowly but surely everything started to come together and Prince Asch was inraged that he had fallen for that lie for so long. "And why the hell didn't you say anything sooner? You two tried to kill Leif, what the hell is wrong with you two?!" Pierce sighed, he had too much to explain.

"Because there are times when I don't know what to do or say but only listen to what I'm told to do because I have no choice because I'm only meant to listen to those in charge. Leif..." Leif slightly backed away. "Do you remember what I told you that day when you said killing would be easier?" Pierce asked looking towards the boy.

"Death isn't always the solution to everything along with insults. Eventually, they'll come back to hurt you in the future from those you least expect. Those things are the same things our enemies do and if we do the same we're no different from them, we only destroy our kingdom and make things worse."

Leif nodded his breath caught in his throat, he wasn't able to say a thing. "Hearing what you constantly told Noi all at once with no warning made me think you were always like this, it had blurred my decision and Noi suggested that we bring it all to an end, make the team better by getting rid of you altogether so he wouldn't have to suffer anymore. He convinced me that your death was the right option no matter how many times I objected otherwise." Pierce informed.

"I knew it wasn't right to kill you, that it wasn't something I should have done even so I did what I always instructed to do since I was a kid and did what he said without thinking it over and pretended that it never happened. I was told that those who deserved to die stayed dead forever and when I heard you survived after everything that Noi told me..." He looked away, a look of shame on his face.

"I was shocked, I thought if I was able to stop you everything would get better for the team, and seeing how worse things have become because we both did tried to do that... I can't take it anymore." Pierce admitted, everyone but Leif starred at him wide-eyed but even then Leif was a little shocked too.

The whole confession of what happened being confessed on someone who was assisting in it, especially when he was the one who helped the group, the one meant to guard Prince Asch was the one who helped with it. Someone who was never moved by anything, never shoved any emotions but known for having great judgment thought that his death was something that was meant to happen. His judgment on who was in charge and what happened previously, on things he was taught as a child and on pure persuasion of the situation, lied to by his own friend.

But even with that said the explanation still wasn't finished.

"I don't know what to say for what I did, I just listened. I didn't feel like we could have fun with everyone if you kept saying things like that, so I did what Noi said since he was the leader of the situation and what the leader say's is the only thing that matters, it's the only thing I'm supposed to do, listen to the one in charge... But..." Tears started to gather in his eyes only to quickly fall from them. "I still felt even worse after I did it, I wanted you back, I felt guilty for what I did and I'm glad I did so I could tell you the truth even if I promised Noi not to tell," Pierce informed.

"That's why I wanted to tell you all even if I can't properly gather my thoughts so that I won't feel so guilty and will have to suffer for what I did, to have fun with everyone again even if I don't deserve that in the end." He looked away eye's full of pain, a dull glaze over them still trying to conceal the emotions he felt; he let out a sob. "I let this team down and the only thing I can think about doing to help is not telling you all sit by and suffer while I know what's going on." He let out a few more sobs feeling the judgmental stares of the others tear down the walls he had put up.

'He's been carrying this with him the whole time, worrying about it, and thinking about it. Feeling guilty about it... Not actually wanting me dead.' Leif thought.

Pierce tried to wipe away the tears from his eyes but they just kept on falling down no matter how hard he tried to wipe them away. Footsteps stomped towards him and he felt something tightly grip at his neck squeezing it where the air was a hard thing to access especially with the sobs that kept on escaping from his lips limiting the amount of air he could intake. It was Prince Asch who used his left hand to grab him by his neck.

"Why didn't you tell us until now?! We could have solved this by now if you told us earlier!" Prince Asch shouted, the tears on his face falling down at a quicker pace, anxiety building up at a quicker pace than he expected, Pierce opened his mouth and tried to answer back but nothing came out. Tension quickly spread through the air like fire the frigid air on a winter night, Prince Asch held his arm out fire coming from his palm and extending to grow at a larger size, one that could cover someone's face if wanted to.

"Don't make this harder than it already is Pierce, say something anything before I break your neck for not answering me." Prince Asch demanded tightening his grip on his neck, Pierce didn't bother to try and push him away, if this is what he got for betraying his team then he'd suffer through it. He closed his eye's and waited for the snap of his neck.

But it never came only the lack of air clouding his mind and making his body numb. The hand left his throat and he stumbled back hitting part of the couch but sliding to sit on the ground, he opened one of his eyes to see Rhys standing between them and Leif holding Asch back by holding one of his arms Ava doing the same knowing the consequences well. The next thing he knew he kept on spacing in and out until the next thing he knew it was just him and Rhys left in the room, Ava and Leif present in the background. He was being interrogated.

"Why did you do that? Why did you try to kill him, Pierce, you don't do things like that?" The question stung. Why did he try to kill him, why did he listen, why did it matter so much to him now, why did it hurt so much now?

"He convinced me to, I didn't want to but he wouldn't listen but I did it anyway. I'm so, sorry, I don't want to lose this team." More tears, why was he crying so much? Demons don't cry, they don't show weakness.

"We don't want to lose you too, you just need to talk to me, and not apologize."

"Noi..."

"Yes, what did he do?"

"He's been planning it for so long, trying to get me to help him for so long and he finally got me to join him. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

"He's... He's been what?"

"He's been planning this for the past months, I thought it was a joke but he's serious and he got me into to."

Rhys sighed. "Thank you for telling me, I'll tell Prince Asch what you told me along with your behavior, you can't leave just yet, this house will become your prison until he decides whether or not you'll live or not." Pierce nodded and Rhys walked away to go inform Prince Asch.

A day later they set out on a hunt to find Noi only for it to result unsuccessful, not even Pierce knowing where he went, Pierce stayed with the team but kept his distance from them knowing fully well what would happen if he tried to get close again.

#one-shot #i try #angst #my inner demons #mid #my inner demons leif #my inner demons pierce #my inner demons noi #my inner demons asch #my inner demons rhys #my inner demons ava #ava is slightly there #but rarely appears #because she isn't the main focus of this story angst is #noi murders someone

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tesskeats · 6 years ago

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Comfort

I’m finding some comfort in read a friend of a friends Instagram. At 2:20am in the morning because my son is teething and can’t sleep. There for I can’t sleep. 😊🤣🤷‍♀️

This girl lets call her Sara, is living the dream life, my dream life for myself.

I believe she’s about 23 years old, living in Japan and has gone to a Japanese/English university and graduated with her Bach of arts degree. She has many friends English and Japanese, picked out her graduation clothes which turned out to be traditional Japanese wear, Japanese boyfriend, and now she’s going to find a job back home in America to be closer to her family.

The regret and mistakes I’ve made in life. Here is how my life turned out after graduation of high school.

2005-2011 what is like to call the fuzzy years. I broke up with Will, my half Japanese first love of my life for a guy who I became friends with at an arcade and lived near me. Because it was easier at the time than the long distance. Boy was I severely mistaken. I would never have known that this boy... Will... I would still be trying to look for his love and him for over 10+ years in every relationship. I never should have left him. Because it started a chain reaction of events where people would hurt me and abuse me. The boy I dated instead of Will, Taylor, cheated on me. Then I started dating women again. Also cheated on me. Then I found Melissa. Short lived, short loved, but so intense at the time for me and pivotal in my sexual identity. I had never loved a woman that much.

So from Melissa to about 2011 I dated/ slept with quite a few women. Couldn’t really find the one or didn’t care to due to being so fucked up. Gained a lot of weight. During this time I went to a community college and struggled so much due to bad education from an alternative school which mentally was the best choice for me at the time. I ended up getting kicked out temporarily from that community college due to plagiarism, which I truly believed how you wrote a research paper was rewarding bits and pieces from different websites and books.. and make it fit. My freshman comp 1 teacher failed me on my last paper, and I would have passed. I had to write a letter pleading back into university. It was embarrassing but I grew from it. Back to relationships. So I never graduated from the community college but I took up to Japanese 4 mainly to speak to my boyfriend but ex at the time.... I didn’t succeed past that or want to try since we weren’t together. Another future opportunity gone. During that time I worked at a home daycare. So I had decided I wanted to be a massage therapist on a cruise. So I jumped into massage school 2010, graduated and couldn’t find a cruise job. Gained up to 256 and went to another university for graphic design. Where was my life even going? I just kept jumping to jumping from situation not ever really thinking it through or understanding what’s going on. Still to this day my life would be much happier and simpler if I had just stayed with Will. Sigh. So I meet Ashley when I start graphic design university and she is my perfect new better Will, but a woman. And like I said perfect. 💗 I couldn’t have imagined to meet someone with a similar personality, make me laugh, perfect. But we got comfortable. And I’m not sure what happened specifically. Other than, she said at the end I never protected myself. And when we broke up, I didn’t have a fall out plan. Which seems to be a pattern in my life. Like I’m not mature or wise enough to have a back up plan or think ahead. I was heart broken when I left my perfect job in Oklahoma to move us to Colorado only to find 6 months later... she would break up with me and I’d have to restart all over again. Honestly it was the most civil and best break up you could have. Still to this day (even though we do not talk, she’s married, and I wish her the best happiness ever), best relationship I ever had. And I took it for granted and somewhere along the way messed up. Like all these awful people in my life messed up on me. And I did it to her. I carry such heavy weight on how I handled everything with her. it’s hard to let go and not over analyze every minute detail of WHAT DID I DO WRONG? Why am I not enough.

Fast forward 2015-2019. I had the worst relationship with a person I didn’t think you could have. And I was sooooooo Soooo SOOOOOOO completely beer goggles and blinded by the multiple multiple cheating. And I thought, hey if he loves me enough to have a child with me, that surpasses it all. Not with narcissistic sociopaths. They have no guilt, only shame. And shame because how everyone else views them. I have a 2 year old son. He has not seen his dad in almost 3 weeks, and he lives 5 minutes away and is unemployed like myself. It breaks my heart. He had him for 18 hours almost 3 weeks ago, and he asked me to come get him bc he kept saying momma, momma, momma. Fast forward to today. Not only does he have a new gf he cheated on me with, but one he’s known for 4 weeks, lives in Alaska, and is a stranger. He told me they’re just friends. Then it’s just the game. Then when I found I LOVE YOU TEXTS, it’s just how they talk bc or the game. And now 2.5 weeks after we break up. She’s in secret living there. I predicted this would happen, I predicted she would move in, however, I did not predict it would happen so fucking soon and he would try to HIDE IT FROM ME. Well shit is going down.

How is this my life? From a simple romance and true love with Will. To fighting for my mental sanity and son. Unemployed, single mother, living with her mom at 32.

I am truly afraid this, is going to kill me. It’s so much pressure on my organs and heart because i cannot handle the stress and pain of it all. I will give my son everything and my life for him to be with me. Taking care of him gives me such intense selfish joy, I cannot imagine my life without him. I’m filled with love, pride, and excitement to watch him grow and learn and be the boy he is becoming. When I look at his face, I see his father so clearly and part of me wants to cry and throw up, but I remind myself... if you give him all the love...teach him from right and wrong...show him how to truly care and love someone.. he won’t turn out to be his father. He won’t hurt women like his dad hurt me and so many others in his past. No in person should ever have to be in the situation I am in. The pain. The physical, mental and emotional pain. I thought I had anxiety and depression before... this is such another level.

With my anxiety and depression so heightened I’m worried I will die soon. My body and organs can’t take enough of the stress and mental damage that’s been afflicted on me. And My son will be forever with his father and new family. And even though, if I do die, l won’t be able to find out how he turns out. Which is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Because I’ll be gone. And I won’t be able to see how he lives and grows up. So I want to write a short letter to my son.

~~~

Dear Noy,

Today is April 11, 2019 2:47am. You just turned two a few weeks ago and mommy is so proud of you. You’re learning to put your shoes on, and even try to say more words! You can whisper shoes, blue, show, and even car. You can clearly say; momma, dada, mmm, bubble, baba, car, duck, meow, woof, roar,mum mum. Right now I think that’s about it. I started you on almond milk recently because you had a tummy ache for a while and you love it. You also really love mango juice and frozen pineapples. :) we recently went and had ice cream together and you got a vanilla cone and shared with mommy. Mommy loves all these fun special times and moments with you. Especially bath time. Playing in the water and singing abcs and “swimming swimming swimming in the sea that mean old shark will never catch me” and you will flop on your tummy and swim away when I sing that lol. You love bubbles and colored tablets in your bath and to splash around. When you get hurt or sad you cry for momma. And lift your arms up and say “ohhh 🥺😩😢🥺” because you want me to hold you and it’s the most precious and amazing feeling ever. It makes mommy’s heart and head and everything so happy and loved and wanted. You’re my angel and my true version of happiness and fullfillment. I’m so honored and lucky to have you in my life Noy. You’re such a good boy. Mommy loves you! So so much! 💗💋 I hope that someday I can read you this letter and tell you how much you’ve changed and grown into a young man. See you go to elementary school and high school graduation. But baby if I don’t, and I for some reason leave you too soon. It doesn’t mean I didn’t do anything and everything in my power to love and provide the very best for you. I am not a perfect person, but I know I love you. So be strong, remember all these little memories I shared with you. And remember to treat everyone with kindness, do not hurt a lady because it can truly hurt her forever like it has with mommy, and plan for your dreams. You can do anything you want. Don’t settle. And love your family with all your heart. I love you Noy. XOXOXOX, Mommy

It’s officially 3am and I have to get up at 7am to do some things. 2pm is when everything is getting into motion. And going down. Please universe spare me the drama and heart ache. Let this be easy and smooth. Let me handle things with grace. Let me live and not die.

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