#imagine not recognizing yourself in the mirror....it messes with your psyche

[hwoaarang]

I don't go here but regarding james from silent hill 2; he is neither good nor evil......what he did was abhorrable for sure but I can't believe that people are missing the nuance of his situation..

Taking care of a terminally ill person is not taxing just for the person suffering from the disease it is literally back breaking for the caregiver as well. It is realistic for terminally ill patients to get violent or say mean things because they're obviously under a lot of duress, they're both in pain and they're trying to come to terms with their own mortality. It's precisely why a lot of people hire end-of-life help, it's a very very emotionally challenging period. James clearly loved his wife and without wanting to sound like I'm excusing straight up murder, you can still sympathize with him and surely understand why he did what he did.

[heartshapedbruisesonmyskin]

You.

If the princess doesn’t get her way, she’ll kill herself. The princess always thought she was Queen of the castle but she was never even in line for the throne. The Queen takes care of her kingdom and reigns with her King. They are the ones you run to when it’s time to go to war. So if the princess thought she was in charge, why did she and her prince always run to the King and Queen? 

I know that I can never take it back. I know that I can never undo all the damage that you did to my psyche. I know I can never take back the burn mark you left on my soul, the mark of your hand on my very core. I know all these things. What I don’t know is why I’m still so angry. I’m not this mean or angry or anything like that. I’ve never thought of myself like that, not really. But you. You made me into this monster that I didn’t recognize. I didn’t know who I was looking at in the mirror. I didn’t love myself anymore. I didn’t like anything about myself.

I felt like I was just a hair away from losing myself, my mind, my life every single second you were around. Other days, I couldn’t bring myself to feel anything and I had to wear a mask. If I didn’t, my entire world would fall apart because you would hurt everyone I love. You would lash out and scream and kick and get mind-blowingly high. You ruined everything if you didn’t get your way. And I had to be the one to take it all just so everyone around me wasn’t affected by the blows. No one understood it though. Not really. And that’s okay because it meant they were safe. That’s all I wanted. I wanted them to be safe from you. I never wanted you to be happy though, I wanted you to suffer. That is how I know you made me into someone I wasn’t and I wasn’t like this. I wasn’t this cruel or sadistic or crazy-sounding, it was your burn mark on my soul. It was your grip on my throat getting ever so tighter. 

At first, I thought I was going to be alright again. I thought the love of my life and I were going to be safe again. I thought we could get our life back on track and you were allowing me to be happy again. I thought after letting others, who were toxic to my life, go and moving in with you would finally give me some peace of mind. I thought I’d finally have a friend again after not having anyone there for me when I was suicidal and so utterly alone. I thought all these changes would benefit us. I thought we would both have a friend in you and your husband. I thought after 6 months of having to be away from my fiancé, now husband, I was going to be happier than I had ever been. I never knew..it could ruin me. Ruin my husband. I never knew that everything involving you would rip our lives apart. 

Now I understand you think you are a victim in everything even though, you were the one who screamed at me. I understand that you think you have every right to me and you think I’m your property. I understand that you HAD to be my only friend and I tried to have another, you would tear her down and ruin it with all your craziness and lies. I understand you put me on a pedestal because you lost your mother and you thought I could fill the void. I understand you wanted a friend but the way you behaved, called for a mother. I understand that you saw me in a certain light because I was kind and patient. I understand that you built up this unreachable and impossible image of me in your head but you need to understand that I am not responsible for that. I am human and I am vulnerable. No one is that patient and everyone has a limit. You just never saw mine. You never saw or respected my boundaries even if I laid them out for you plain and simple. And you would say that you can’t live your lifestyle because I didn’t like it, I told you why and I told you the damage it did to me but I know you didn’t care. You never cared about my boundaries or why I have them.

You never saw how mad I was at you. Or how I screamed and cried into my pillow because I was left alone to deal with your cruelty. You never saw how you disrespected me, on a daily basis, by just being your destructive self. You never saw how hard I fought to keep my sanity together. You never saw how rude you were to my husband and obscene you were around my husband. You never saw how disgusted I was because you wanted to flaunt your father's money around me. You never saw how my self-esteem was shot every time you talked about my weight to my face. Or how sick I made myself because I couldn’t bring myself to eat after you mocked my weight. You never see how damaging you are to anyone around you. You never see anything besides yourself because it’s just so unfathomable to do so!

If you truly saw me in such a good way, put me on a pedestal or saw me as a replacement mother then why did you scream at me because I ate a box of macaroni and cheese? I did it once in the 2 and a half weeks where all I knew was safe to eat was my cereal and potatoes. I had to leave the apartment when you did that and your husband had to calm you down and convince you to stay in the house. He had to remind you, in a way that didn't make you have a meltdown, that you’re always the victim and you did nothing wrong. And when you screamed at my husband about how I wouldn’t even share some honeydew melon with you, you hit a sensitive nerve. He got in your face and screamed at you that I’m the kindest person he’s ever met and if you slap me in the face, I would say sorry for hurting your hand. He walked away and went to our room. You stood there in silence, not knowing what to do. I waited outside for my mom to pick me up and I cried in her car for an hour. If I was such a good person, why would you destroy the kitchen every time you made dinner and never cleaned it? You knew that I hated the way you lived in complete disarray and filth. You would throw down everything you had in your hands from wherever when you went everywhere. You constantly left food out so we ended up getting cockroaches in the kitchen. You always depended on me to clean the kitchen and when my chronic illness, my anxiety or my lower back pain got the better of me, I couldn’t clean it for a few days. When I couldn’t be your maid, you always threw a fit because nothing was clean and we didn’t have any clean pans and because you didn’t cook, everyone would decide to eat out. After a few days of this, you would get mad at “everyone” for eating out. When really, you were just mad at me because I wasn’t your maid when you “needed” me to be. I told you that I hated that several times for a year and a half but you never listened. You always said you were sorry and maybe I was taking it the wrong way and you “promised” to help me “tomorrow”. Well, tomorrow always came but you never lifted a finger. Oh no, wait I’m forgetting about the handful of times you did help me and would scream at whoever made the tiniest of messes in “your” kitchen. On top of that, you damn near lived in the living room. It wasn’t OUR living room, it was YOUR bedroom because your husband moves too much in his sleep and he would “hurt” you in the night. You dragged all your filth into the living room and even when my husband's best friend had to move into our dining room after a bad break up, he kept his area 10x cleaner than you ever attempted to. I don’t have a sense of smell (Not completely gone because I can still taste but it’s mostly gone due to chronic sinus infections) so I never knew what my mom was talking about when she said our living room smelled like your vagina. She came over one day and was utterly repulsed at the god awful smell you left in the living room, on the couch all because you lived on it and left your underwear on it all the time. My mom finally saw first hand at how I would clean and literally in the middle of it, you would drop all your shit and shoes and clothes everywhere. When she left, she couldn’t believe the disrespect that you showed her that day. 

If I was such a good friend to you then why did you steal $700 from your dad and give me $200 to shut up and not tell anyone? Then when it finally came to light, you tried to throw me under the bus because of it? And my husband and I waited outside for you to leave, just so we could go run into our room and barricade the door with our laundry baskets. If I was your “best friend”, why did you have to get so high that we thought you OD’ed? While in your high state of mind, you took out all of your real feelings on everyone in the house and scared my saving grace to death because she thought you would hurt her unborn child. But thankfully we lived with 3 large men so they stopped you. Your husband left you the next morning for work, in our care without asking, because he thought you were sober enough. My husband stayed home with you all day to make sure you didn’t stop breathing. And I went out and ran to my mother because I had no idea what to do. When it was time for my husband and his best friend to go to work, they lost their jobs because of a technicality. Because they stayed to take care of you when your husband should’ve stayed home instead. Because you weren’t getting enough attention from me or everyone, you went and raided your dad's stash of medical supplies leftover from your dead mother’s cancer battle and found fentanyl patches. You were tripping hard, driving and acting like you were the goddamn victim in everything for a week and no one knew because a drug addict knows how to hide it. But because you did that, you ruined mine and my husband's financial well-being. I can’t even imagine what my future is going to look like anymore because you took away the one time we were financially set and happy together. 

 I’m free now. We moved out. It’s been over a month now. You finally stopped trying to talk to me. You stopped trying to come over. You stopped harassing me and my real best friend. I guess that’s something I can..give a smidge of credit to you for. I can say that, in a way, I finally got a friend. A friend I had had for years but had lost touch with. No…no, fuck that. You get no credit. None! Fuck that. She reached out to me and I ran to her like I was going to be killed. She came into my life when I needed her the most. She wasn’t in a perfect situation either so in a way, we saved each other. But I will always give her the credit for saving me from you. I was finally, FINALLY able to start to be happy again. I had a friend and that was all I wanted. She let me cry, vent, was there when I needed help dealing with you and she did it all while she was pregnant. And that you couldn’t stand. You still can’t stand her, not only for stealing me and having a better friendship with me but for the fact that she has a baby. It is not her fault that you got an STD and on top of that, have active cervical cancer cells. You ruined your chances of having a baby and that doesn’t give you the right to try to push her into a wall while 9 months pregnant because you got unbelievably high on a fentanyl patch. You don’t get to touch her. You don’t get to be jealous or angry at her for something she didn’t do. 

 I’m now expecting you to come back or to try to claw your way back into my life. I’m waiting for you to text me and get passive-aggressive about how I haven’t texted you or hung out with you. I think you might’ve gotten the picture but I don’t think that’s possible. Maybe you’re mad at me? Or maybe you’re having an “episode” which gives you an excuse to be rude to or ignore everyone around you? Or maybe you’re just too high to function again? I don’t..I can’t give in to this bliss in the lack of your presence. I’m happy..ish? I just want those pieces of myself that you took back. I wanna be able to live my life and be myself again. The sad part is, I don’t think I know who that is anymore. Can I start over? Can I get over it? In time, yes. But right now? No. I don’t know yet. And it’s sickening and festering. I’m just waiting for my whole world to fall apart again. I want to be happy and I have moments where I’m happy but..I know that I’m not because I don’t have closure and I’m not over everything you did to me. 

After it was finally over, I moved out of your apartment but because you and your husband were always late or short on rent, we had to move into another apartment in the same complex. You two ruined our rental history so I’m only partially free from you. We also still have the car we paid $1000 for, that was your husband's old car.  But when your mother died, you both got new cars so we got his old one. With the icing on top, your husband is incompetent and doesn’t keep track of anything, (or he has the title and just refuses to sign it over) so he has to buy a new title to our car. It’s our only way of transportation that doesn’t completely wreck everyone's way of life. Yes, our best friends have 2 cars but they also have a baby to take care of now so they can help but only so much. I’m waiting for you to throw a fit and manipulate your way into your husband's head and convince him that you need to take the car back. All because I don’t want to be your friend anymore. Who fucking does that though? You would. Now I’m just sitting on my ass and waiting for you to rip another piece from us again. When’s it coming? What are you doing? What are you planning? Are you looking for a way to hurt me again? I can’t stand living like this. I tell people to stay away from you and I tell them little things you have done to not only me but everyone, including your husband, and they can’t believe it. I've been told that it sounds like I have a mild form of PTSD. There are clear reasons why I barely left the house, why I never left my room, why I never told you what was bothering me when you KNEW there was something wrong, why I never truly opened up to you and why it always seemed like I was just a little too eager to move out. Even if you didn’t or don’t see the truth, eventually I’ll be able to let this burn mark of yours go.

I moved in with my husband, his best friend who became a brother to me and my best friend of 10 years who fell in love with my husband's best friend. I have the kitchen constantly clean and even if it’s a little dirty, my heart doesn’t drop into my ass every time I come out of my room. I’m allowed to come out of my room and be in the living room without feeling like I’m invading someone's space. I’m allowed to be angry and show how I feel. But I might have PTSD now. Even with that possibility, I feel like I have to be 100% perfect all the time and it’s so damaging to my self-esteem. Any time I mess up just a little bit, I have a nervous breakdown because I’m terrified that someone is going to scream at me or hurt me. I expect the ones I live with now, the people I love with all my heart, to explode at me. I still live like I’m walking on eggshells but I know, logically, that I’m not. I locked myself out of my best friend's truck at Wal-Mart and thankfully, strangers helped me and I got in. When I came home, I ran to my room and cried like I was still living with you. My husband came in and hugged me and talked me down and I calmed down enough to come out and talk to them. They weren’t even mad, they said it’s ok and these things happen. She hugged me tight, said that she’s not mad, she’s locked herself outta that truck more times than she’s willing to admit and that she loves me. 

I think that’s the difference. When they say they love me, it feels real. It’s genuine. And I’m terrified. Of course, I’m scared though. I’m scared that it won’t be real anymore or that this life I have now is all a dream. I keep waking up though and I’m still here, I’m still in a new apartment with the man I love and my best friends. In all that pain and suffering..I never thought I would get here. I was in a cycle of doubt, anxiety and endless darkness. I never believed I could get out of there because you stole every shred of hope I had, every chance you could without fail. So why would I believe that I would be free? I had no “real” reason to not live with you and your husband if we were “happy” and like a “family”, so why would we want to leave right? Nope! I had plenty of reasons to leave. But thankfully, my best friend was pregnant and needed more space for her baby boy. And thankfully, she fell in love with my husband's best friend so where he goes, my husband goes and where my husband goes, I go too. Through a beautiful chain reaction, I was given my freedom from you. 

My mother asked me how does it feel not living with you anymore, besides all the craziness and the dictatorship. I took a long time to answer because yes, it’s great for several reasons but I said: “It’s..quiet”. It’s so..quiet and all I want to do is cry. Cry for the pieces of myself I lost but cry for the weight of you is finally off my heart and my shoulders. Yes, your mark is still there but it’ll fade, they all have and they all do. I can breathe and cry and speak and be me again. Yes, there are pieces of me that have been taken but..I’ve grown before and I can grow again. I have to, not only for my loved ones but for me. I have to do things for myself again. I want to and that is what matters. I want to live life again and I feel like I will be able to soon. I will be able to forget you and give myself closure. Maybe not today but I will.

I will be able to let it go. I will let go of the damage you did to me, Shaila.

[xreader-collection]

One Night: Part 1

Includes: Social awkwardness, no smut yet (I know I can’t wait either) a lot of set up

WC: 1800 - short and sweet, like Tom

Note: I don’t know if I need to apologize for so much set up, but I’m Canadian what am I supposed to do its in my blood. So I’m so sorry for the set up, but I hope its written well enough that you don’t care. 

Note Note: this y/n has more confidence than I intended. I don’t know what happened.

Teaser |Part 1|

That night you didn't sleep. You spent your time thinking of every possible scenario that might have played out, if only you had stayed. Alas, your friend needed help, and you weren't heartless. You could hear Lara fiddling around in the kitchen no doubt trying to make late night microwave brownies. It was a pattern...

Finally you gave in to your insomnia and opened your phone, the light blazing green patches into you vision. “great” you adjusted and began flipping through your social media. Friends, gossip, cute cats, new spider-man movie, aunts wedding... wait.. you scroll back desperately.

“Hold on just a fucking second!”

What you thought was an internal thought was indeed the very opposite. You hear Lara yell back “WHY”  Potentially about to hit start on her midnight microwave madness. You scramble to your feet and scurry into the kitchen.

“Lara! Lara, you're not going to believe this.”

“My god y/n why are you yelling, its like four in the bloody morning” Lara reluctantly give you her attention

“ I saw this guy right? And we locked eyes and it was all... all... “ you struggle with the words

“what”

“fuck I don't know Lara... sexy?”

“Yeah ok so you got some Looks on ya, you weren't exactly dressed like a nun” she begins to turn back to her precious treat, as you grab her arm.

“No no no- ok ok but look at this guy” you hold up your phone, a picture of Tom Holland mid interview. “That's him!”

You both stare into the silence between you. Your expectant stare being met with a clearly unimpressed Lara. She breaks the silence “That's bullocks, and you know it”

“Oh come on you don't believe me?!”

“you've gone mad if you think you saw the Tom Holland in our shitty little club”

You let out an aggravated sigh. “fine”

I'll just prove it then. You return to your bed, wide awake. You needed to know everything...

- - -

At some point that morning you had fallen asleep, face plastered to your screen in a loving embrace. You woke up and were immediately grateful you hadn't been caught drooling by anyone. You opened your phone to a picture of Tom Holland standing on plush carpet and seemingly in some ballet pose, his shirt wide open revealing his beautiful body. You let out a hushed sigh. Wow. You weren't exactly sure when you fell asleep, but judging by your search history and the state of your bed, you had fallen asleep... satisfied...

You got ready and looked at the time realizing you were going to be late. Today you'd be having lunch at Cote Brasserie in Kingston with your family. And of course you looked no where near ready.

20 minutes later you called your Mum from the cab “Sorry Mum! My alarm didn't go off. I'll be there in 10! I promise!” On the other end you heard your Mum scoff. Maybe it had been the fact that you were late to her birthday celebration, or maybe it was the fact you had no boyfriend and hadn't gone to college yet...

You paid the cabby generously for his potentially dangerous wheel work, and composed yourself on the way to the door. Walking in the place smelled like many things that touched your slightly hung over senses with a bit more gusto than you would have liked, and your expression had given that away.

“y/n its one thing to arrive late but you might want to behave like you want to be here” your father said lovingly as he stood to hug you. He then looked into your eyes with a knowing, fatherly frown, and whispered “Try not to act hung over, dear”

“Yes dad..” You greeted the rest with as much joy as you could muster.

- - -

When the meal came to and end you Stood with the rest of them throwing a long coat over yourself. As you flipped your hair out of the collar, you looked up to see a booth. Sat in it were 4 boys and who must have been their parents. You glanced away for a moment making a move to leave, but it was when you looked back that you saw him. The oldest of them laughing with the youngest, that same full body laugh. And his eyes come up to meet yours “oh fuck”

Your dad looks back “LANGUAG- Oh whats happened, are you alright y/n?” you must have been pale.

You laugh nervously trying not to be to loud “ yeah don't mind me, just.. be right back... gotta... ” you were at a loss for words “I’ll catch up” and with that, you ran to the washroom.

You looked at yourself in the mirror, heart racing. So soon? What the ever-loving fuck y/n you're a mess today. He can't see me like this. Why didn't I run the OTHER way. You whine in frustration, straitening your hair. Phooo c'mon y/n you've done it now. Calm down.

Thinking you'd psyched yourself up for the simple task of casually waving at him while you left the restaurant, you reached for the door, and with every thump of your heart it seemed to move slower. 

Looking at the floor as you left the room, your head bumped into something.. no... someone... shit...“oh god sorry” his voice came out with a casual softness. He rested his hands firmly on your arms steadying you. “are you alright?” with hesitation you raise your head, your eyes at the level of one very defined jawline.

Does he recognize me?

His eyes were a deep brown, and it made his air even calmer, laid back, and welcoming. Just when you resigned to the idea that he didn't recognize you, his expression changed, his grip loosened. “you look... familiar.”

At those words you flashed back to the previous night, and with the memory of his stare, you felt your body heat up. Without a thought, that same devious grin you showed him the night before, crept across your face. “ you look familiar too”

Oh man..

You saw the cogs turning in his mind, and you could have sworn you saw the moment he remembered a scantly clad girl eyeing him from across the muggy room of a night club, intent on having him. He inhaled sharply, his cheeks turning red. “O-oh.. Hello” he let his hands drop to his sides his eyes frantically taking you in. “y-your the...” He swallowed hard and you saw his jaw clench, betraying his nerves.

You knew who you'd seen last night; a confident young man with devilish thoughts, and a gaze that conveyed them... vividly. This was no doubt the same boy, those curls, that smile... Who knew he'd had a softer side. So nervous. 

Oh I'm gonna eat him up.

After a moment he shook from the stare and stumbled through a sentence. “I'm going back..” what? You must have looked confused because he elaborated “to the- the club I mean... me and my mate Harrison.”

The conversation went slowly, but gained confidence as the two of you began to fall back into the head space of the night before. “Are you asking me out?” your grin deepened as you stepped closer to him, the heat of your bodies rushing to meet in the air between you. You continued “because I don't even know your name yet” Lies! Bad y/n! As you finished your sentence you reached into is front pocket where you had seen his phone. He took another sharp inhale, he was cute when surprised You swiped it open and began to text yourself.

He let out a breath a little more heated than the moment before. “Tom”

You licked your lips subtly “Ok Tom...” You slipped his phone back into his front pocket slowly. “I'll see you there, text me” You slid past him towards the door. You could feel his eyes on you, and continued walking to meet your family. You couldn't help but smile while you imagined his face reading the text you'd send yourself along with your name.

-------------------------

Thanks for reading! leave an ask if you want more! -Kea

[russellthornton]

Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother: 18 Lifetime Consequences

Narcissistic people hurt everyone they touch. And a daughter of a narcissistic mother suffers from 18 unmistakable consequences. Read on to learn more.

What is a narcissist? A narcissist is a person who cares about no one but themselves. The way that the narcissistic personality got its name is from a Greek Mythology character Narcissus who simply couldn’t stop himself from falling in love with his reflection in the water.

That is how narcissistic people are; they love themselves, and everyone else is just a means to their end. For a daughter of a narcissistic mother, those traits in a mother can be highly damaging and have some real consequences for their future sense of self, their behaviors, and the future relationships they have.

Unmistakable signs that you may be the daughter of a narcissistic mother

Constantly trying to please someone who can’t be pleased over a lifetime can take a real toll on your psyche. Unfortunately, many people don’t even know that they have been a victim. To the daughter of a narcissist mother, she was just a “little demanding.”

Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother is quite arguably the worst form of child abuse that anyone can endure – only made worse because it is internalized. There are no outward signs of the abuse, and when the child tries to make sense of what is going on, narcissistic mothers will do something called “gaslighting.”

That means that she will tell the child that they are crazy and making it all up in their head. Making everything more stressful, where there is a narcissistic mother, there is typically a co-dependent father who is more than happy to back up the “you’re crazy” notion. [Read: Gaslighting – 16 signs someone’s totally messing with your mind]

Here are the long-term signs that you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother.

#1 You suffer from low-self esteem. Narcissistic mothers show affection only when they want something. Typically, they are demanding and never satisfied, which can leave a daughter of a narcissistic mother feeling like they are never good enough.

Continually trying to find approval from someone who uses it for emotional manipulation purposes, adults raised by narcissistic parents often never feel like they are never enough and suffer from low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety.

#2 You have some level of self-loathing. Never feeling good enough, or as if you can never do the right thing, can leave you disliking who you are. If you can’t ever make the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally happy, you form an opinion about yourself that you aren’t worthy of love. That can lead to self-loathing and transfer over into poor decision-making later in life.

#3 Self-care is an issue. No matter what you looked like when you were young, you were either too fat, too thin, or just not pretty enough. That can take its toll on you during the formative years when you develop your sense of self. If you can’t ever please anyone, then why continue to try?

That can leave a daughter of a narcissistic parent to give up trying to make herself presentable to the world. After all, what is the point if all you get is negative feedback? [Read: 12 signs of a narcissist and 5 ways to break up with them]

#4 You talk negatively about yourself. A daughter of a narcissistic mother tends to talk very negatively about themselves. Mirroring the statements they heard about how and what they were growing up, they mimic the disapproval that their mothers bestowed upon them through their own verbal self-definitions.

Downplaying their own good features and characteristics, they are very unlikely to relish in any good qualities that they possess.

#5 You seek out poor relationships. You spent your entire childhood trying to please someone who couldn’t be pleased. Although having nothing to do with you personally *that was all on your mother*, that disapproval you felt continually takes its toll.

That can leave a daughter of a narcissistic mother feeling very unworthy of love, attention, or approval and may have them seeking out people who mistreat them. [Read: 15 types of toxic relationships to watch out for]

#6 You feel as if you have to hide who you really are. You learned very early on that you weren’t who you were supposed to be. So, you pretended to be who you thought your mother wanted. When you did show your true side or feelings, you were quickly debased and told that you weren’t good enough.

A daughter of a narcissistic mother often hides who she is both physically and emotionally, hoping just to blend in and not make waves. This only leaves them further vulnerable to criticism and ridicule.

#7 You have a tendency to self-sabotage. Being disappointed so many times growing up, you likely learned that luck and good things just aren’t in the cards for you. Trying to protect yourself from further abuse, you have a tendency to sabotage the things that are good in your life as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you don’t love someone, you can’t get hurt. If you don’t desire things, they can’t be taken. It is a protective mechanism that is way more destructive than protective. [Read: Sabotaging your happiness – 12 ways you’re ruining your own life]

#8 You are burdened with perfectionism that isn’t obtainable. It is not uncommon for a daughter of a narcissistic mother to try to attain perfection in everything they do. From always getting straight A’s to having eating disorders, they are always trying to fly under the radar from criticism by being the epitome of what they consider perfection to be.

Unfortunately, even if you ever attained it, you wouldn’t know because you would think it isn’t good enough.

#9 You make less of your successes. Your mother never allowed you to celebrate your accomplishments or who you were, so you tend to carry that disallowance of celebrity into your adult life.

If you do something amazing, you typically give credit to things outside of yourself and your control. Downplaying your own success, you have a hard time thinking you are capable of doing anything good or right. [Read: 25 signs of covert narcissism – A different kind of mind game]

#10 You downplay any tragedies in your life. Likely, a daughter of a narcissistic mother was told that any tragedy she mulled over made her a “drama queen.” So, she is quick to downplay major disappointments or any bad things that happen.

Learning to let it go and get on with it was a part of growing up. So, a daughter of a narcissistic mother just put a band-aid on a seeping wound and carried on.

#11 You are overly fearful of those in authority. Fearful of your mother’s disapproval and often hurtful behavior, you have a fear that all adults will treat you with disdain. Growing up, that feeling transfers to anyone in authority.

Giving them way too much power, you fear anyone who has influence or power over you because you have learned that they don’t typically rule with fairness. [Read: Emotional manipulation – 14 ways people mess with your mind]

#12 You have a very hard time setting boundaries with family and friends. A daughter of a narcissistic mother doesn’t usually have “no” in her vocabulary. Being a pawn, maid, and servant to a demanding mother growing up, taught you that saying “no” isn’t an option. That leaves you everyone’s punching bag and worried about everyone but yourself.

#13 You worry that you may be a narcissist yourself. The worst thing that you can imagine is that your mother’s behavior has somehow rubbed off on you. You worry about your decisions and continually question your own behaviors and motives for fear that you are becoming someone so hurtful.

#14 You are still afraid of her and her reactions, no matter what age you are. When you hear her call, or you do something wrong, you cringe because you know there is no comfort in her contact… only reprisal.

Whether you are two or sixty-two, you know that there is a verbal lashing and a verbal assault that will crush your spirits waiting around the bend. [Read: 16 reasons why you’re always being taken for granted by others]

#15 You are still trying to get her approval to no avail. You probably know that you aren’t ever going to get it, but you never stop trying. Our society has taught us that mothers love their children. That is just the way it is. And you can’t understand why you don’t feel love from yours.

So, you constantly, and will forever, crave her approval even if you rationally know it is unattainable.

#16 You want to cut her out of your life, but then become afraid and confused. How many times have you said “that is it” and cut your mother out of your life?

There is something in you that knows how destructive she is to you, yet, you still can’t let her go. That is the guilt, fear, and push and pull you felt growing up. You want to cut yourself free and find peace, but you always get sucked back in. [Read: 10 guilt-free ways to handle guilt trippers in your life]

#17 You have problems with abandonment and trust. If you can’t trust your mother, then who can you trust? If the person who gave birth to you and was responsible for your well-being did anything but made you well, then how are people who aren’t related supposed to care about you?

#18 You don’t feel as if the world is safe. The only people in the world who you can truly ever depend on are the people who brought you into this world. If they aren’t your safe place, then there is none here on earth.

A daughter of a narcissistic mother is often fearful, anxious, and views the world and the inhabitants of it, in a negative and threatening light. [Read: How to stop selfish people from hurting you]

Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother is one of the harshest forms of child abuse that any child can endure. The first step to recovery is recognizing that it isn’t your fault. You have nothing to do with your mother’s continual self-absorbed, emotionally-manipulating, and indifferent behaviors toward you.

As hard as it is to shed the past and re-evaluate the way that you see the world, you likely have other people in your life who love, care, and give you the unconditional love that your mother was not capable of giving.

If you want to break the cycle, you have to first try to forgive your mother for not being capable of being the person she should have been. Then, you have to forgive yourself.

[Read: Father-daughter relationship – 10 daddy issues it can lead to]

You didn’t do anything wrong – you’re just the daughter of a narcissistic mother. In fact, you did everything you could. Now it is time to give yourself the unconditional love that your mother isn’t able to give you.

The post Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother: 18 Lifetime Consequences is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.