#imagine being in the hospital as a patient and seeing a doctor literally king hit a surgeon and walk off

[invisibleanonymousmonsters]

Non-Sequential [Ch. 14]

Pairing: Pre-Serum Steve Rogers/Steve Rogers x Reader

One night, Steve Rogers met a beautiful dame named Y/N. He hadn’t intended on letting her get away. But fate had other ideas. Y/N appeared and disappeared in his life so hauntingly that Steve started to wonder if she was an angel meant to watch over him.

Word Count: 2,600

A/N: Hey. Remember when I said I was on a break. LMFAO. I guess when inspiration hits, it hits. 

Chapter 13

Everything hurt. Her body. Her mind. Her heart.

Even the distant, muddled beeping was giving her a migraine.

Why couldn’t it just end?

Y/N was done fighting. She was in too much pain. She just wanted it all to be over. Surely Steve would forgive her. Surely he’d understand. She wasn’t strong like him. She wished she were, but that wasn’t her reality.

“You coming back to the living, kid?” A voice muttered.

Why did they sound like they were underwater?

Y/N urged her eyes to open and even that hurt. The white room was blinding – even with all the lights dimmed or turned off.

After a minute of wincing and blinking, her eyes finally managed to adjust to the room.

She looked over to see Tony sitting in a chair next to her bed.

“Where – Where am I?” Y/N asked, trying to look around the room for clues. It felt familiar but also new at the same time.

“You’re in the medical wing of the compound,” he answered promptly.

She relaxed at that.

“You showed up in the middle of Heathrow Airport a couple of days ago. Caused quite a scene actually. Soon as I got word, I flew you back here.”

What really happened was Tony had a fit at the Royal London Hospital. They tried to tell him that he couldn’t take Y/N. That an investigation needed to be made for the mysterious, naked girl who showed up out of nowhere, in one of the biggest airports in the world. The words ‘terrorist’ and ‘national security’ had even been thrown around. But Tony wasn’t having it. When he saw how beat up Y/N was… he couldn’t trust just any doctors to help her.

It didn’t help that the Avengers had been disbanded just days before. That his entire life and family had just been broken. He couldn’t lose any more people. So Tony caused a scene and regretted none of it.

Y/N eyed Tony then, finally taking him in. That was when she saw the bruises and cuts on his face. He’d been in a fight, that was obvious.

Her exhausted and recovering mind slowly processed everything.

“Tony,” Y/N said slowly and carefully, “where is Steve?”

Tony covered his mouth and his eyes looked heartbroken as they watched her. But he didn’t say anything

“Tony,” she repeated more firmly. “Where is he?”

“I don’t know,” he finally answered.

“What’s happened? What did I miss?” Now she had a million questions.

“Battle lines were drawn and sides were chosen…” Tony hesitated. “And Cap…Well, Cap didn’t pick me.”

Y/N was breathing heavily as she realized what he meant.

“The Accords,” she muttered.

“I always knew that war buddy of his meant a lot to him. That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt when he chose him over me.” He shook his head.

“Can’t you find him, Tony?” Her voice shook as tears began to form. “Please, I…I need him. Please, Tony.”

Tony squirmed in his seat, already knowing he couldn’t give her what she wanted, what she needed, what she was begging for.

“He walks into this building and they won’t let him leave.”

Y/N narrowed her eyes in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“He’s a criminal now, Y/N. He refused to sign, broke the law, and then busted our – his friends – out of the most secure prison in the world.”

Tears were sliding down her cheeks now.

“He’s left me. Now he’s left you.” Tony added bitterly.

Y/N wanted to say he was wrong. But Tony’s anguish was taking over her as well.

“Who’s still here?” She whispered.

But really what she was asking was, ‘Who sided with Steve?’

Tony shrugged and crossed his arms, pretending like he didn’t hate the answer to her question.

“Vision. Rhodey.”

Y/N tried not to gape at him. That was it? That’s all that was left of them?

Tony then leaned forward, balancing his forearms on his knees. “Wanna tell me what happened to you, kid? Who did this to you?”

Y/N didn’t like the sudden attention being shifted onto her. She turned away from him and leaned back into her bed, refusing to meet his gaze now.

“You’re not gonna tell me?” Tony challenged.

She didn’t speak.

“Do you want me to list all the injuries on your patient chart? The docs said you’re lucky to be alive. You were a breath away from death when they found you at the airport.” He sighed and leaned back in his chair as he rubbed his face. “I’m not gonna let that go.”

But Y/N couldn’t talk about it. It was all in the past, literally. There was nothing anyone could do to make it better. It happened and there was no justice that could be served. That was the thing about the past, it just kept haunting you and you could never go back to fight it off.

Y/N didn’t want to talk about the torture. She didn’t even want to think about it.

She just wanted it to go away.

“Y/N…” He tried to urge.

“Please, just leave me alone,” she snapped before he could say anything more.

Tony eyed her with concern. But she didn’t see because she refused to look at him. So he did what she asked and he left her alone.

————————

“She is your…?” This time, T’Challa wanted to know her rightful title.

Steve squinted at the question because no word felt right to him. Y/N was more than his girlfriend. Lover felt cheesy. The idea of soulmate felt right, but that word felt hokey and too misused to be correct.

“She’s my…everything.” Steve finally muttered hesitantly.

Steve had left Wakanda to rescue his friends from the Raft. During that time, T’Challa had become king, defended his throne, and drove his country out of a civil war. 

Steve had returned when T’Challa informed him of Bucky’s recovery, all thanks to his little sister Shuri.

Steve had expected it to take months to cure Bucky’s brainwashing. But Shuri managed to do it in a week. “I would’ve fixed your white boy within days if it hadn’t been for Killmonger,” Shuri had told Steve with exasperation.

T’Challa nodded slowly. “I see.”

He watched the captain closely. T’Challa was wise and observant. He could tell how broken Steve was, how hard he was trying to keep his emotions down. 

Knowing that Y/N was hurt was destroying Steve.

“You cannot go to her?” T’Challa asked carefully.

“They’ll get to me before I get to her. What good would I do her in jail?”

T’Challa nodded slowly and then cleared his throat. “So, we bring her here.”

Steve’s eyes widened. “What?”

“We will retrieve her and bring her to Wakanda.”

“Your Highness, you’ve done more than enough for me. I can’t ask that of you.”

“You did not ask, Captain. I am offering.” He gave him a small smirk. “Wakanda has revealed itself to the world because I want to help those who need it.” Then his face dropped slightly. “She will not receive better medical care anywhere else.”

“She’s…enhanced.” He finally confessed.

“How so?”

Steve rubbed his face. “She travels through time. But she can’t control it. She thinks it’s like a disease. It controls her instead of her controlling it.”

T’Challa doesn’t seemed phases by it. “Perhaps we can help her.”

Steve sighed. “You will be breaking into the Avenger’s compound.”

“Or I will be welcomed,” T’Challa offered with the tilt of his head.

But when he watched Steve’s reaction, there wasn’t the level of excitement or relief he was expecting.

“What is it?” He asked.

Steve shook his head. “I can’t stay here with her. My team…they’re being forced on the run because of me. I can’t just abandon them. The world still needs saving. With or without the Avengers, I can’t sit back and watch bad things happen.”

T’Challa understood his reasoning. He reached forward and gripped Steve’s shoulder. “Then Wakanda will watch over her while you do what you must.”

“T’Challa… I don’t know how I will ever repay you.”

The king smiled. “Captain Rogers, not ever good deed is a debt that needs to be repaid.”

——————

Y/N had been in a complete haze for over a week now. They put her on strong pain killers. So strong that she was barely coherent. But she didn’t care. She was glad something finally made the pain stop.

Except now she knew something was off. She wasn’t groggy anymore. She was fully alert. It just felt like she’d woken up from a very, very long nap.

But she quickly realized she wasn’t at the compound anymore.

“By now, you’d think your western medicine would’ve figured out a way to make painkillers without all the drowsiness.”

Y/N stared at her wide-eyed. A part of her wanted to panic. She wasn’t in a familiar place anymore. This woman – no – this teenage girl was a stranger.

Y/N’s eyes started looking around the room, trying to find something she could use as a weapon. Instead, she realized she was in a place that felt like it was straight out of a sci-fi movie. And that was saying something with all the time she spent around Tony Stark. The tech looked both foreign and ahead of anything she’d seen at the Avengers’ compound.

“Who the hell are you?” She finally asked in a monotone voice, as her eyes still took in the room.

“Oh! Right!” The girl had stopped tapping away on a holographic screen and practically bounced to Y/N’s bedside.

“I am Shuri. You’re in Wakanda.”

Y/N blinked rapidly. “What? Wa-Wakanda?”

Shuri smirked confidently. “Not what you imagined, right?”

“H-How did I even get here?”

Shuri winced a little at the question. “We may have… Well, we stole you.”

The Wakandan princess then proceeded to explain everything that happened while Y/N had been in the past and recovering. She went into much greater than detail than Tony had, giving a third party perspective instead of being so close to it.

“So…” Y/N began, after remaining quiet and listening for half an hour or so, “Steve had you bring me here. But he’s not actually here.”

She didn’t bother hiding her bitterness or irritation. And despite Shuri not knowing her well, she heard it loud and clear.

The princess dipped her head and held a somber look. “It is very clear that he loves you very much. I know he wishes for nothing more than to be here. But he had to help your friends.”

Y/N clenched her jaw. It was obvious that Shuri’s words did nothing to dissipate her anger.

Shuri decided it was best to change the subject. “Would you mind telling me how you sustained these injuries?”

“Yes, I would mind,” Y/N snapped back.

Shuri seemed to have anticipated such a reaction and just nodded slowly.

“Well, I am fully confident that, with Wakandan medicine, we will have you fully recovered in the next couple of weeks.”

Y/N blinked at her. A couple of weeks? The doctors at the compound were throwing months around when they discussed her long recovery.

“I’ll have someone bring you food soon. You must be starving!” Despite Y/N’s foul mood, Shuri didn’t let it hinder her own optimism and upbeat attitude.

Then Y/N caught a glance of a few guards standing just outside her room.

“Are those for you or for me?” Y/N asked.

“You, of course.” Shuri giggled.

Y/N eyed her. “Am I in some sort of danger here?”

“Of course not. However, my brother promised Captain Rogers that he’d protect you. And my brother is a man of his word.”

—————

The sun was nearing the horizon as Shuri approached the hut.

It was never hard to find Bucky. He didn’t venture very far from him his home. He took care of his farm and his animals, never even considered going into the city or visiting his new friends in the palace. They always had to come to him.

It was clear that Bucky liked the isolation.

No matter how many times Shuri promised she’d completely cured him of his brainwashing, it was evident that Bucky still didn’t quite trust himself.

She knew he sensed her coming. Once an assassin, always an assassin. 

He continued working, pretending he wasn’t aware of a visitor the moment she was 50 yards away - even with her being obscured by a forest of trees and bushes.

Shuri leaned against the fence that kept in all the goats. Bucky was feeding them.

“What brings you all the way out here?” He asked without taking his eyes off his task.

“She’s awake.”

Bucky’s eyes snapped to hers. “How is she?”

“Physically? She will make a full recovery.” Then she frowned a bit. “If we left her in America, who knows what they would have butchered.”

Bucky looked at her with sadness. “And beyond physically?”

Shuri played with the chipped wood of the fence. “I do not know. We can help her with that, as well. But she has to want it.”

Bucky nodded slowly and looked around. “Why’d you come all the way down here to tell me? You could’ve easily sent me a message.”

Shuri’s brow furrowed. “I do not know what happened to her. She will not say. According to her chart, she was the same with the medical team at the Avengers’ compound.” Then she sighed. “But I have a feeling you might be able to help her better than any Wakandan medicine or doctor ever could.”

Bucky put his hands on his hips and looked at the ground. “I don’t think I agree with that.”

Shuri wasn’t completely surprised by his indifference. “You knew her once, did you not? Not like Steve, I understand. But you are not a complete stranger to her. I thought, at one point in time, you had even considered her a friend.”

“I’m not that man anymore. That was a different time.”

Shuri became very serious then. “Bucky, do you…” she breathed, “do you know what happened to her?”

He winced. Like him trying to think about it had given him a flash migraine.

“I might,” Bucky admitted. But it was obvious he was very unsure of himself.

“Then why are you so sure that you cannot help her?” Shuri argued.

“Because I haven’t learned how to deal with it either.”

Shuri’s heart broke at how anguished her new friend appeared. She knew not to push it any harder.

“Goodnight, Bucky. I know you enjoy your space out here, but I could always use some company in the lab.”

“Goodnight, Shuri.” He answered back with utter politeness.

As the princess started to make her way back to the palace, Okoye was waiting for her at the top of the hill just beyond Bucky’s hut.

“You sure he is the right choice for helping the girl?” Okoye asked, tone a little cold. Her even gaze stayed on Bucky in the distance. “He is a broken man, as well. He struggles helping himself. What can he do for her?”

Shuri sighed and turned back for one last glance at Bucky.

“It’s not just about what he can do for her. It’s about what they can do for one another.”

Okoye gave a solemn nod. “And the Captain… does he know of this plan?”

“It is his lover and his best friend. I do not see why he would ever disagree with it.”

-----------------------

Chapter 15

I feel like ya gotta tell me how ya feel after I just surprised you with this chapter. (Honestly, it probably surprised me just as much lol.)

[littlemsstark3000]

After a while conflicted and jealous Pepper gives Tony and Nat her blessing after she saw them in different situations loving and taking care of each other

Sorry, this one took a looong while.

*****

Timeline: Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron

“Nat! Natasha!”

Pepper turned from reading a book to Tony who suddenly stirred and screamed beside her on the bed.

“Tony,” she started shaking his arm. “Hey, wake up…”

His eyes opened then looked at her; his breathing was heavy.

She lightly wiped her hand over on his forehead then brushed his hair with her fingers. She noticed that he was also sweating cold. “Calm down, it was just a nightmare. You’re okay,” she tried to pacify him.

Her boyfriend sat up, both arms almost hugging his knees to his chest.

“What is it?” she closed the book and placed it on the bedside table, focusing her attention to him.

Tony’s eyes were now staring forward blankly. “I saw them. Dead.”

“Who?”

“The team… They’re all dead, because of me…” he dropped his head to his knees, hiding his face from her. “I couldn’t do anything about it.”

“Hey, no, your team’s fine.” Pepper ran her hand on his back, rubbing gently. “It was just a dream.”

It took a while before he looked up to her again.

“I… I’m sorry, Pep. You should go back to sleep.”

She did not say anymore that she hasn’t slept yet; it was one of the rare nights that he went to bed ahead of her.

“You should, too.”

Tony sighed and forced a smile. “I’ll stay up for a while.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” He kissed her forehead. “Thanks.”

She curled up on her side of the bed, but could not sleep too, even when she felt Tony lied down beside her. After almost half an hour, she felt him got up again. She peeked to see where he was heading, thinking that he might go back to the workshop and spend the night there again with his projects.

He did not though. Instead, he just walked to the glass door overlooking the city with his phone on hand. A few minutes later, he was already on the phone talking with the woman whose name he was screaming earlier in his sleep.

“Nat? Hey… Hi. I was just checking if…”

Pepper barely heard anything more as he walked out of the room to the balcony. She opted to think that Tony would check up with the rest of the team, too.

>>>>> 

“JARVIS, where's Tony?” Pepper inquired from Tony’s virtual butler as she entered his penthouse, coming from SI.

“Sir is on the way to the kitchen from the workshop. He is with Ms. Romanoff.” Jarvis promptly responded.

Her eyebrows furrowed. She was not informed that he accepted a work-related meeting at home or that he was seeing the woman this day. “Natasha is here?”

“Yes, Ms. Potts. Ms. Romanoff was called by Sir to come over and she arrived approximately 30 minutes ago.”

She proceeded to their area as informed by JARVIS and before she could get to the kitchen, she stopped as she overheard the on-going conversation.

“It's my second update in three months. You spoil me.”

Pepper recognized Natasha’s voice.

“One step ahead of the rest, so please don't brag yet.” Tony replied. It sounded like he was moving around, preparing food or something.

“Seriously... thanks, Tony.”

“No biggie. Coffee? If you aren't in a hurry.”

“I can stay for a cup.”

“Again, you're getting ahead of everyone else. Nobody in the team has tasted this special brew by yours truly.”

Pepper could almost hear smile from her boyfriend’s tone.

“You flatter me so much for a day.”

“Why not? You're my favourite Russian.”

“Oh, we both know I am not. The actual ones are bottled, lined up at your bar.” Natasha chuckled.

A mug clinked against the marble counter. “Here you go, darling.”

And Pepper knew, Tony was not joking at all. The redhead spy was his favourite Russian… probably favourite Avenger, too.

>>>>> 

“You are -” Pepper started when Tony appeared by the door of the VIP area.

“Late for the call time,” the genius billionaire continued. “Of course. It’s not me if I’m not late.”

She just smirked with pure sarcasm.

“I made it! I’m here, Pep. That’s what matters.” He approached her and gave her a kiss on both cheeks.

She crossed her arms to her chest and tried her CEO tone that worked for him sometimes. “Tony, may I just remind you that these are Stark Industries apprentices. Everything we do from this day onward that will be visible to those 50, top-of-their-class, students will either make or break their belief of the organization. For a hundredth time, I am telling you: please don’t screw this up.”

“Agreed. So, let’s go and get this significant activity started.” He smiled his most Tony Stark smile, closed lip, eyes covered with dark glasses, as he offered his arm to her.

Pepper just shook her head while they walked out to the corridor which will lead to the conference hall. Technically, they were still on-time for the start of the program; she was just worried that Tony would not make it to this event. Lately, especially after their break-up, he has been very much occupied with either saving the world being Iron Man or developing his suits plus his teammates' weapons.

She was missing him, yes, but the decision to separate - permanently this time - was theirs both. It was for the best. It was to make sure that their priorities will be attended to. It was to keep their sanity. It was to avoid hurting each other all the more.

Her random musing was interrupted when Tony's secure line rang.

"Cap. Where? Send me the coordinates. I’m going."

Those were the only things she heard as his face spelled instant worry.

"Tony…"

"Pep, I’m really, really sorry. I have to go."

Pepper felt her heart sunk in her chest. "What is it this time? And where are you going?"

"Natasha’s been compromised. I�� we need to send her back up."

Her expression probably turned grimmer upon hearing the woman's name. But as she stared at her ex-boyfriend's face, anxiety was etched on it, like he could literally fly out of there in seconds even if she did not respond.

"Go." That was all she managed to say. She knew nothing, and no one, can stop him at this point.

"I’ll make it up -"

"Don't promise anything. Just go now, Tony."

True enough, he was gone in seconds.

>>>>> 

“Mr. Stark?”

Pepper saw how Tony’s face lit up when he recognized the two people by his hospital suite’s door.

“Hey, Pete.” He greeted as Peter approached him, followed by Natasha. “Tash.”

“Hi, Ms. Potts.” The young man politely acknowledged her presence beside his mentor.

“Hello, Peter, Nat,” she greeted back, too.

Natasha smiled at her.

“I should leave you for now. Also need to respond to some work mails.” Pepper turned to their patient to say goodbye. “Tony.”

“Go ahead, Pep. I already kept you long enough here.” He reached out to grip her hand lightly. “Thanks.”

She stepped to the other side of the suite to gather her things on the couch and table then stuff them in her tote bag. Against the thin wall which divided the area into two, she could still hear their interaction.

“Good to see you, buddy.”

“Ms. Romanoff fetched me after class.”

“I knew he would want to see you so, instead of calling to let him know what happened, I went to pick him up instead.”

“How are you feeling?” Peter checked up.

“Nothing serious. I should be out of here since yesterday if not for some overreacting Avengers.”

“Shut up, Stark.”

Tony chuckled. “See? That's exactly what I mean. They don’t even listen to me!”              

“Oh please.”

Pepper could just imagine Natasha rolling her eyes.

“You hungry? I can have food delivered here. Name what you want.” Tony offered.

“We already stopped by somewhere.”

“Yep! Burger King!” Peter exclaimed.

“Come on... That's not fair.”

Of course, the billionaire had to overreact. She just shook her head.

“Hold it! We got you a cheeseburger, too!”

Natasha made a sound of disapproval. “Peter, I told you we need to check with the doctor first if he can eat greasy food before you take that out.”

“Oh... Yeah. Sorry, I got excited.”

“There's no turning back now, Spiderling. Hand that over to me.”

“Tony.” The spy rebutted again. “You are under medication.”

“Nobody will know. Right?”

Pepper managed to peek at them as she made her way to exit, seeing Tony bit stubbornly on the cheeseburger.

“Seriously, I’m feeling way much better now having this and seeing my favourite spiders – ouch!”

She closed the door as Natasha hit Tony with a throw pillow.

In her head, she could not deny how the three looked much like a family.

>>>>> 

It was Tony’s birthday and he opted to hold a charity gala instead of his usual extravagant party.

As Pepper watched him interact with the other Avengers, she realized how much this man has changed from being a self-centred bastard to a selfless hero, and she was more than glad to see that transformation.

Except that she also noticed how his eyes longingly glanced towards Natasha’s way from time to time…

The female Avenger seemed to be avoiding Tony. From afar, she sensed how the two naturally gravitated to each other, but for some reason, Natasha would suddenly move away.

She decided that it was time to ask, and she opted to go to Tony as she still has not developed a closer relationship with the Russian throughout the years.

“Tony, are you okay?” She asked after discreetly pulling him to a corner with less people.

“Yeah, of course. Why would I not be okay?”

Pepper noted how he just forced a smile before drinking from his glass of whisky.

“Because of Nat.”

There was a pause before he attempted to deny her observation. “Pep –“

“I’ve been watching you two.”

He sighed heavily and looked down on the remaining ice in his glass.

“She… she turned me down.”

Did she mishear him?

“She… what?”

“Yeah.” Tony nodded still avoiding her eyes. “Just this week. She said she cannot do it.”

“W-why?”

“She cannot do it to you.”

“Are you serious?”

Why, she never expected that!

“Yep. Cannot joke about this.” He forced a smile again and exchanged his empty glass with another from the server who passed by.

The thought rendered Pepper quiet for a few moments. Tony then realized that he made a mistake of telling the matter to her upfront.

“No. Sorry, Pep. I shouldn’t have –”

“I… It’s been months… We’re fine.” She verbalized.

“But, you know, I can’t force it to her if she’s not comfortable. I get it.”

“Tony, no. It should not be the case. We’re long over us, and you deserve to move on.” She emphasized. “I see how much you have always cared for each other. You love her, and I believe she feels the same.”

He shook his head and smiled bitterly. Typical Anthony Edward Stark who did not believe that he deserved to be happy, too…

And she needed to do something about it.

[edgarbright]

Kyle’s Route part 7

Initial ramblings!

Spoilers regarding Lancelot in general

Still catching up on Saturday's Lucky Time!

Jonah: "King Lancelot has started eating even less than he did before. Ever since the night you arrived in this land, Alice."

This scene actually made me understand Luka's feelings toward Jonah a little better. Imagine Luka is feeling sad and neglected, and Jonah saying well, mille-feuille always makes ME feel better, so it'll make you feel better, too. It's a sweet but superficial solution to a deeper problem. Jonah explicitly states that this problem with Lancelot started the night Alice arrived. That was also the same night Lancelot declared war on the Black Army. Lancelot is under a lot of stress/pressure, the worst of it he keeps secret, but we don't see Jonah focusing on easing those burdens. Lancelot isn’t being a picky eater -- he’s not coming to the table at all (in more ways than one).

Jonah means well, like incredibly well, but I can't help thinking that Lancelot probably would have died in most other routes if not for others stepping up to help or catching him on his way down. Jonah is the closest one to Lancelot but he does not see Lancelot's self-sacrificing tendencies. Of course Jonah wants Lancelot to depend on him but Lancelot isn’t giving him an opening. So Jonah wanting to at least make sure Lancelot eats is beautiful, but Lancelot has struggled for so long and he's so far gone at this point that food probably can't fix this.

And I can definitely understand Jonah despairing over the lack of a solution. So him snapping at Alice is also understandable because he's doing his best and doesn’t need her criticism.

Jonah: "If you think this breakfast menu isn't right for the king, then show me your proof!" "I do not listen to arguments that have no basis."

Ahh, I love Jonah~!

Although when Alice asks if she can use part of the kitchen, Jonah replies: "Do whatever you want. As long as you're not getting in my way, I don't care about you at all."

But... but obviously Lancelot cares about her in some fashion if her arrival is literally affecting his eating habits. Like I love Jonah and how much he cares for Lancelot but Jonah has such tunnel vision lol

We've made it into Kyle's room at last! The classical drawings on the wall are a really nice touch. Kyle the Naturalist. The color scheme is very beautiful and I love the sheen of the floor vs the plush furniture.

Once again, I'm enamored by how much Kyle cares about his work. The books stacked everywhere. How he reads informational texts with the interest and investment one would read an adventure book. Those glasses!

I'm confused about the glasses LOL Are they just reading glasses when he hits the books to lessen eyestrain? (At least he’s taking care of some part of his body!) He has to get up close to his patients and he fills in charts/reports, so his vision is probably fine in general? But those countdown to Kyle's route posts mentioned how rare it was to see him wearing glasses like ??

Kyle eats not one but two servings of Alice's soup! And he says it's super good! And Alice is flattered by his compliments! And that's super cute!

Alice re: the stacks of books: "You've read all of these?"

Kyle: "Of course I have. Why would I buy a book and not read it?"

Me: *SWEATING PROFUSELY*

I can't believe I had to pick "Kyle is surprisingly COOL" for the choice this part. There is no surprise about how cool he is! Alice saw him working in the infirmary, she should have some idea! Diligent felt like a better choice to me...

And then I was a little alarmed at this part:

Alice: "There aren't many people who keep studying after they finish school just because they enjoy it."

Alice, the medical field is a SCIENCE!  And it's the 19th century. Like a few decades before this doctors didn't think they had to wash their hands (thank you, Semmelweis!!) and it will be a few decades more before the first antibiotic is accidentally discovered. Please keep studying, Kyle! Also, coming from someone who has drawn up the schedules for a hoard of hospital doctors, know that modern doctors are given blocked-out slots for study/education lol Your doctor should be keeping up-to-date.

I LOVE HOW KYLE AVOIDS EYE-CONTACT WHEN HE'S EMBARRASSED LIKE HOLY SHI-- Ahhh, I love it so much. That's adorable. My heart is so soft rn. I'm so happy that Alice finds it cute, too. Please embarrass him all the time I’m living my best life here lmao

Alice using Kyle's books to research a way to help Jonah with Lancelot's breakfast 10/10! Alice observing Kyle studying and inadvertently falling in love with his small habbits is 10/10!

"(When he's not talking, Kyle actually looks pretty handsome.)"

WOAH WAIT CAN YOU NOT!? First Luka in the countdown and now Alice like how about no!! Kyle says some really wonderful things and he is, in general, just a kind and diligent and goofy guy. He's fine! At least he's not asking why a medical doctor needs to study, like honestly!!

Kyle finding Alice asleep on the couch and his first reaction is, "Aw, come on." LOL. I love the complete lack of romance/sexiness here tbh. And we get some Kyle POV here that I love!

"After judging the distance between sofa and bed with his eyes, Kyle shifted his gaze back to the sleeping [Alice]."

Kyle: "Can I do it?"

LMFAO I'M CRYING

He does STRETCHES before picking her up I'm WEEPING. I love him. Kyle, please don't strain yourself. You're back isn't doing so hot from sleeping on the couch the past week.

It's really sweet though that he wanted to put her to bed and not leave her on the couch. Because then he took the couch. And he's so sweet with her my heart is super soft rn. That he's troubled by the fact it might be bad for them to sleep in the same room together without a curtain between them is just... super sweet...

Kyle is a sweet, cool, diligent, and considerate man and even when he opens his mouth, you can't change my mind!

[mmazzeroo]

Jonerys Advent Calendar 2018

@helloimnotawesome 

Dear Val! I’m so excited (and nervous) and honoured to be your Jonerys Secret Santa!

Just a real quick shoutout to Val’s story ‘I Chose You’ - go read it if you haven’t already! *hearteyes*

Never done anything like this before, but got this crazy idea in my head and just couldn’t get it out. So I thought why the heck not?! Why advent calendar you ask. Because they are a vital piece of Christmas celebrations in my part of the world, and as a child I loved them so hoped you might too. Beginning your day with a small piece of chocolate what’s not to like, right? (I still do sometimes even when it isn’t Christmas, please don’t tell my mom). There are advent tv-series where children (usually) somehow end up saving Santa or Christmas or both. So I thought I’d try to transfer the concept into writing by giving you a little drabble-ish sized bite each day from Dec. 1st to 25th.

Fair warning: Virgin fanfic writer (written non-fic pieces though). Un-beta’ed, so apologies for that. English isn’t my native tongue. Any and all grammatical and spelling errors, plot-holes and messed up timelines are entirely mine, and I own them proudly. Since this is based on fiction I’m not trying to make it realistic, just plausible enough to be believable. Totally ball-parking everyone’s ages! Also, because it’s Christmas time I’ve tried to keep the story light and cheery despite the underlying current of heartbreak. (Did I give too much away now?)

Hope you’ll enjoy the story - and the ride! Can be read here below or on AO3.

NB: All rights belong to George RR Martin and HBO. Also, all lines and quotes from various movies, tv series and songs belong to their respective writers / producers / owners. I own none of the content.

ARYA I - What A Shit day!

"Sir! Sir! You need to lay still! We're here to help you, ok?"

She was looking into steel grey eyes as wide as saucers. Like a deer caught in the headlights. Wide with fear and pain. Always the same mix only the degree of either varied. The grey eyed man unfortunately seemed to learn towards fear. Damn it! Fear only made her job more complicated. Fear was only a few steps away from panic and panic was lethal. Panic shut down the brain and prevented her from reaching or reasoning with the patients.

"My wife!" He grabbed her collar and pulled her closer to his face. "Save my wife! She's 8 months pregnant! Please!!" His voice broke at the last word and he loosened his grip on her jacket. Yup, definitely need to calm him down. Shit! She took a quick look towards the tree-line feeling like she was being watched.

"Sir, your wife is being tended to as we speak, ok? She's in good hands. Now can you please tell me your names?"

His lips moved but she couldn't hear a thing over the helicopter taking off just then. Brilliant! Thanks Rakharo! She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. By the old gods and the new please keep the woman and her child safe. Brienne was an amazing paramedic and always did everything within her power to keep everyone alive. She had to have faith, yet she could never help herself to say a little prayer whenever she was on a scene. Especially one like this.

Detective Bronn from King's Landing City Watch had already arrested the drunken sod who'd caused this mayhem. SUV hit in the side, pushed off the road, rolled down a hill and burst into flames. Metal pieces, glass and blood spread heavily all the way down. Pools of blood where the bodies of the driver and passenger had landed. Strange how being thrown out of a vehicle could suddenly be looked at as 'lucky', but it had prevented them from being trapped in a burning car. The blood was all too easy to see in the snow even though the only light available was that from the flames of the burning car - which the firefighters were working on putting out - and her own headlight strapped to her forehead. Both bodies had appeared unresponsive until she and Brienne had managed to get close enough. The drunken driver had gotten off with a broken nose and a busted eyebrow. Fucking asshole! If any lives were lost this evening he'd have a much worse hangover than he could possibly imagine. DA Martell would make sure of that!

A couple of decades ago the Starks and Targaryens had entered an unprecedented partnership. While the Tyrells and Martells were battling over who should reign supreme over Westeros, the wolves and dragons set out on a different mission: They united their medical skills for both humans and animals alike. Under one roof. Together. So today when an emergency call was made they sent out paramedics and a tracker for the hurt and scared animal. To help all injured beings. At first there was the usual scepticism when someone does something new, but gradually people began to understand. Her dad and the late Commander Targaryen both believed the idea of 'leaving no one behind' must include ALL family members regardless of number of legs or wings or scales etc. President Tyrell had successfully managed to get a law past about a decade ago which clearly stated that 'a life is a life' and 'any life taken by outside forces will henceforth be considered a criminal offence and proper authorities shall investigate as such'. So if Tormund and his bloodhounds didn't find and come back with a living breathing dog belonging to the grey eyed man...well then mr. drunk-with-a-busted-eyebrow would be waking up to murder charges tomorrow morning.

"Can you tell me your name, sir?"

She had leaned closer to try to maintain eye contact with him. His eyes blinked once, twice, then closed, she felt his breath on her face and felt his hands slip from her jacket, fall and landed limply in the snow. There was a cry from the woods sounding almost like a wolf, but there were no wolves this far South.

"Clegane! CLEGANE!! Get your arse over here! We need to get him out of this godsdamned snow!"

Sandor Clegane was by her side in a few big strides. He helped strapping the man to the board and helped pull him uphill. He hopped in the driver's seat while she went to work in the back of the ambulance.

"Don't you dare die on me now, buddy! C'mon!" Still no reaction. "C'mon damn it! Wake up!!" Fuck! Cutting his clothes to get to his torso she was met by a sight she'd never seen before. His upper body was covered in scars. Some clearly old while some looked to be pretty resent. Seven hells! What's happened to you?! If only she knew his name. People tend to respond well to hearing their name. She kept working on the man while listening to a symphony of Sandor cursing the King's Landing late night traffic. There was a strong pulse again. Good.

"Yes! He's stable again. ETA?"

"5 mins"

"Roger that."

She searched his pockets for any ID's or papers of any kind but came up empty handed.

"Sir, can you tell me where you are?" She gently placed a hand on his shoulder.

"We, we just..." His breathing was shallow and laboured. "We just wanted to find our family." Tears started to pool in his eyes and he was visibly shaking now from trying to keep himself together. "And now," he took a deep shaking breathe, "it's all gone to shit." Tears rolled down his cheeks as he closed his eyes. Once again crashing.

"Damnit man! Stop doing this shit, it's getting real old! You hear me?!" We're so close to the hospital, just hold on a little longer. Leaning in she whispered in this ear, "Your family needs you."

When they arrived at the emergency entrance at the Lyanna Stark Memorial Hospital, Dr. Lannister was already waiting for them.

"Male, injured in vehicle accident. In and out of consciousness, but stable for now. Seemingly superficial wounds to left side of the head. Broken ribs and possible punctured lung on the left side of the chest."

"Has he said anything, Stark?" Dr. Lannister lifted his eye from his notes and looked straight at her. He didn't mean to she knew that, but the fact that he was so tall he literally looked down at her tend to make her feel like a child being scolded whenever he spoke to her. She did not like that feeling. Despite being one of the best surgeons Dr. Lannister wasn't arrogant though. Sure he would often state the fact that he's better than most, but does telling the truth make you arrogant? She wasn't sure.

She lifted her chin towards him and said, "Only few words here and there about his wife and family, doctor."

"Alright. I'll take it from here then. Time to go fix this daddy!"

He started pushing the gurney down to the lift. She took a few steps down the hall.

"Know anything about his wife?"

"Dr. Martell and Dr. Stark are working on her and the babies as we speak. They're in good hands, Arya." His kind green eyes met her own concerned grey ones.

She nodded.

"Wait! Babies? Plural?"

"Twins!", he shouted before the lift doors closed and he disappeared up to the OR.

Twins! Now she hoped even more that Robb and Dr. Martell could work their magic. She knew her brother was a skilful paediatric surgeon, but rumours had it that he was particularly skilled in neonatal care including surgery. Had to be why else would someone like Dr. Martell pick him as resident? Not known for doing favours she wouldn't give two fucks who his dad was if he didn't have any knowledge and skills of his own. Deep breathe. Ok, so overall the country's top surgeons were busy working on her grey eyed patient and his family. That had to be enough. It had to be!

Normally she'd go check the status of the affected animals over at the vet wing, however not expecting Tormund and his hounds to be back already and since technically her shift had ended while out on the call, she went straight to 'Hot Pies & Ale'. Not exactly the most inventive of names, but as Davos said 'we do what it says on the tin.'

Much to her surprise she heard the rambunctious wildling's voice the second she set foot in the pub.

"For fuck sake Bobby, stop licking Bessie's tits! At least buy her dinner first, you dog!" Tormund shook his head as he took a sip of his beer.

"Well, he is a dog so what did you expect?"

"Ha! Little Stark! Smart as always. Bobby B's a dog, aye, but does that mean I want to listen to him licking his girlfriend's tits all night? Tell me that!" He said challengingly, his eyebrows up and chin raised.

"I'm not 'little Stark'—", she said through clenched teeth

"Only because Bran's sitting in a chair!" he bellowed.

"—and 2nd, I don't know what the hells you like listening to!"

Turning towards the bar she hopped onto one of the stools and nodded to Tyrion and Viserys sitting side by side chuckling, probably at her and Tormund's little exchange.

Giving them an annoyed side glare, idiots, she turned around slightly to face the red-haired man. "Didn't expect you back this early. Is that good or bad news?"

"Good. Found it not too far off in the woods. Growling like a motherfucker though, had to sedate the poor thing. Must've taken some hits in that tumble down the hill. Had a few burns as well not too bad all things considered."

She remembered all too well the sound of the growling coming from the car as she had manoeuvred around the vehicle to get to the man. When the firefighters had managed to cut the lock to the crate open all she saw was a flash of white fur, and it was gone between the trees.

"Dr. Tyrell and Sansa was with him when I left."

Giving him a puzzled look he clarified, "Dr. Targaryen isn't expected back until tomorrow. Anyway, Dr. Tyrell says the dog should be back up and running in a jiffy." Giving her a reassuring smile he continued with a wistful look in his eyes, "Could swear it looked like a winter dog. Albino one at that. White as snow. Big gorgeous beast!" He ended with one of his signature big grins.

"Do winter dogs howl?" she asked while taking a sip of the soda Davos had placed before her.

"This one did that's what led me straight to him. Up North they do and the wolves will reply. Can keep you up all night with their howling banter", he laughed out loud and shaking his head as if remembering something. "We'll know for sure tomorrow when Dr. Stark comes."

"Dad's coming??", she asked perhaps a little too excited.

"Aye, Dr. Tyrell called him down for a consult to make sure. If it is a winter dog then he's more wolf than the huskies she's used to."

"Speaking of howling", Viserys interrupted and looked at Tyrion, "your sister was causing quite a ruckus this evening," he chuckled.

Sighing deeply Tyrion asked, "Do I even want to know what she did this time?"

"She kept yelling for more wine", Viserys laughed trying to immitate Cersei "More wine! MORE WINE! MOOOORREEEE WIIIINNNEEEE!!" Leaning back on the barstool, hand on his stomach laughing out loud he continued, "she almost couldn't sound more looney even if she tried!"

Everyone laughed out loud at that including, and especially, Tyrion.

"I swear rubber cells were invented for the likes of my sister."

"Tyrion!", she slapped him on his arm, "she may be crazy but she's still your sister."

"That's exactly why I say it! If set free she'd be a menace to society." He took a big gulp of his beer. "Speaking of menace, have I ever told you the story of the jackass, honeycomb and brothel?" he asked with a grin wiggling his eye brows.

Leaning closer to him with a big smile on her face she answered "Ooh do tell Mr. Lannister!"

"Well, I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel—"

He was interrupted when the pub door was ripped open and the voice of a furious woman yelled, "Hey! Watch where you're going fuckface!!"

Stepping through the door she practically threw her bag to the side as she stomped straight to the bar.

"Dany! Good to see you again, sis", Viserys leaned in to kiss her on the temple, "Flight catch some disturbance did it?" he chuckled.

"Oh if only it was the flight", she growled, "Davos, give me a shot of your Dothraki booze."

"As m'lady wishes", Davos poured a shot while exchanging a look with both Vis and Tyrion. "Here you go."

Dany put the glass to her mouth and threw her neck back taking it in one shot. Resulting in heavy coughing and wheezing. "Gods! I hate that stuff! Give me another one. Now, Davos!"

"Hey, why can't I have any of that by the way?", she suddenly asked pointing her index fingers at everyone's drinks.

"Because Arya," Gendry, having been quiet this entire time, said and raised his hand to point at the sign hanging at eye-level clearly saying '21', "you must be this high to ride this ride." Everyone around her laughed out loud with him. A smug look on his face indicating he was very pleased with himself.

"Fuck you! I'll be 21 in just a few months!"

"Few months isn't 21 today, sorry Arya", Davos said sympathetically.

"Whatever!" She left 5 dragons on the bar and jumped off the stool marching to the door.

Gendry called out to her, "A soda's only 4 dragons."

As she swung the door open she looked back and said, "Keep the change...you filthy animal!"

She heard a choir of laugher as the door closed behind her. What a shit day!

[thekillerssluts]

Q&A W/ Arcade Fire’s Will Butler

In 2004, Montreal-based Arcade Fire gifted the world their debut album Funerals, which has since been compared to heralded indie classics like Neutral Milk Hotel’s In the Aeroplane Over the Sea. The electricity of the earnest expression of pain, loss, and alienation pulsed through the indie rock album. It caught the attention of the likes of Bruce Springsteen, David Bowie, David Byrne, and U2, all of whom, Arcade Fire would go on to perform with. After their success with Funerals, the band has evolved over the course of four records, straying increasingly from their indie rock foundation to genre-bending electronic, disco, and even reggae. Like a Phoenix, Arcade Fire has seemingly treated their albums as life cycles, reinventing themselves in the ashes of their past for each new record. At the heart of the band is Win Butler and his Haitian wife, Régine Chassange. Adding to the idea of Arcade Fire as a family band, Win’s younger brother Will is a multi-instrumentalist in the band. Phawker got him on the horn to get some fresh perspective on the band. Discussed: being a professional musician studying policy at Harvard, fraternal tension in the creative process, the new album Everything Now.

PHAWKER: I was surprised to see that you — well not that surprised — that you studied Policy at Harvard. Can you tell me what made you decide to study Policy in the first place and how what you learned has informed Arcade Fire?

WILL BUTLER Yeah, I actually just graduated this past May. Mostly I went because, for the last ten years, the band has worked with Partners in Health which is based in Boston, but they’re a global health organization. They’ve been in Haiti for 35 years, and their Haitian organization has 9,500 patients, nurses, and doctors. They’re trying to build up the actual state health care system. They work in Rwanda, they work in the Russian Prison system. Humanitarian work. Community building. I was originally thinking I would go to learn skills to be more useful to them. Just because we have been useful to them. We’ve donated a dollar a ticket from all of our shows for the last ten years. Mostly going to partners in health. Some going to their partners. I thought, in my position as a rock and roller with a fancy master’s degree from Harvard, I would be able to talk to Congressional Aides and be like, “Hey guys! What do you think about Paragraph 2C, line 4? Want to have a couple of words? Ya’ know, save 100,000 lives?” I thought it’d be a useful tool in the toolbelt. I also knew it would be an election year. I thought it would be interesting…I didn’t realize how…Hard to think of a term…”

PHAWKER: Upsetting? Cataclysmic?

WILL BUTLER Yeah, how awful it would be. I was also very happy to be in a place that was very formally dedicated to puzzling over what the hell happened and what the hell to do. And to do it with a bunch of really smart, interesting people was really great. And how it relates to the band…Well, until recently, I didn’t think of myself as a musician. I thought of myself as an artist, but I kind of just thought of myself as a human, doing human things. And great, people pay me for it. But now, I’m like, ‘huh, I guess I am a musician. I’m better at music than other things.’ And if you’re a human and you care about where you live and the people around you and far away from you, then you want to figure out how to help them and be of direct service. So I was trying to couple that out. And I think that music is a great service to people and it directly impacts people’s lives.

PHAWKER: Absolutely. It can be therapeutic. I worked at a psychiatric hospital for adolescents, and there were times that hearing a favorite song would help someone who was having a manic episode find a sense of calm and peace.

WILL BUTLER Yeah, that’s totally amazing. I’m very proud to be a musician, but I’m also like, ‘well, I’ve got other skills, so I should figure out how to use them.’

PHAWKER: So how old were you when Funerals came out. In your early 20s?

WILL BUTLER Yeah, I was a senior in college, so I was 21? When did it come out, 2004?

PHAWKER: Haha, yeah, as far as I know. So that’s a pretty pivotal age, when people are still really in the process of formation and securing a sense of self. And Funerals was received so well so quickly. So, has it been difficult to cultivate and maintain a sense of self having been involved in such an iconic band at such an early age? Have you ever craved a simpler life, or are you more just grateful?

WILL BUTLER I’m insanely grateful. It’s been such a pleasure. To play music for a living. For people to buy our records. It’s been really amazing from the get-go. Our goal was to play for 100 people. And when 100 people came, we were like, ‘oh we made it! Awesome!’ It’s all been a great bonus since then. We’ve never had a radio hit. We were big in certain circles early on, but we were never giant. And unless i’m in the ‘cool’ neighborhood, like the day before the show, I’m so anonymous that I’m hardly recognized by anyone. So, it’s felt like a normal life. But I think it’s been different for Win and Régine, whose relationship is at the center of the band. They’re the singers and everything. I think they have a slightly different relationship to that. But it’s been very easy on my end.

PHAWKER: That segues into another question I wanted to ask. I’m a younger brother myself and I have a decent relationship with my older brother. But I know that we’d never be able to maintain a professional relationship of any sort, much less that of professional musicians. So, I’m wondering about your dynamic with Win. Do you ever get jealous of his having the frontman’s limelight, or do you more feel like you’ve dodged a bullet and you can have the best of both worlds. Part of this big beautiful band, while not having to deal with being recognized?

WILL BUTLER Yeah, 90% I have the best of all worlds. Hahaha. Obviously, though, friction comes up. Any creative endeavour has a lot of friction. Any fraternal endeavor has lots of friction. For the most part, it’s just that I know where he’s coming from. So, even if I really disagree with him or think he’s being totally crazy, I know what he’s getting at, so I know that he’s arguing something in good faith, which I think is partly why our band has lasted for so long. Even when I really disagree with an idea, it’s not like an evil idea.

PHAWKER: Right, it’s sort of like there’s empathy built-in. It’s in your blood. You see where he’s coming from, even if you consciously disagree with it.

WILL BUTLER Right. And I think it works both ways, which I don’t think always happens with brotherly relationships. I think there’s sometimes an assumption of ill will, but, for some reason, we were raised such that we’re able to get along with each other.

PHAWKER: I saw an interview where Win calls your grandfather his hero. So, yesterday I spent about an hour watching videos of him on the pedal steel guitar and others of his amazing performances. I’m wondering if you think that having Alvino in your blood and conscious has allowed for you and Win to get along, which has allowed Arcade Fire to be a successful entity over the years?

WILL BUTLER I would say even further. My grandma was in a group called the King Sisters and she was married to Alvino. So it was literally a family band, where it was the four sisters, who were the singers, and then Alvino had the band. They literally all lived in a mansion in New Jersey together. Like the whole big band. They’d all live there together and then go on tour. Then, in the 60s, when my mom was a kid, they briefly had a show on ABC, like a variety show, where it was 6 sisters, 2 brothers, Alvino running the orchestra, and 40 cousins doing like a song and dance variety show. So, yeah, there’s definitely like a family band element to it. It just lets you know that it’s possible.

PHAWKER: Right, these stories of successful families bands had already been down. Their arcs had already been realized. Getting through the difficult times with Win must be so much easier, keeping that in mind.

WILL BUTLER Yeah, totally.

PHAWKER: I’ve always been impressed with the storytelling of the band. I’m wondering if, growing up, there were any particular stories that captured you or your brother’s imaginations?

WILL BUTLER Our grandmother on our other side, our dad’s mom, used to read us this book called Little Arlo. Just a little kid and his dog going out on adventures. He always called the dog comrade. Like, “come on comrade, let’s go!” And that idea of a boy and his dog going out in the big, wide world has resonance in lots of other art, and also resonance, I think, in some of our music. Nothing else immediately springs to mind. Well, the old lullabies, the “Skyboat Song,” which is about Prince Charles being buried away from Scotland? It’s got like something to do with Monarchs killing each other, but it’s got a little boy on a boat, being taken away so that the people don’t kill him. Or maybe he’s being taken back, while murderous crowds are waiting on the shore?

PHAWKER: So now, more specifically about the new album, I’m wondering if you and everyone else in the band personally struggled with themes like information overload and managing the presence of instant gratification. Personally, I have to actively manage those things, or they take over. I’m wondering if that’s the same for you?

WILL BUTLER I mean, Win and Régine write the lyrics, but I have a 5-year-old, and my relation to material culture has changed a lot over the last 5 years. Both in that you see all the garbage in the world and how instantly everyone wants garbage, but also the vast web of vaccines, surgery tools, and everything keeping people alive. These supply chains with antibiotics. There’s this whole system that keeps people alive, while at the same time there’s a garbage pipeline from everywhere to your house. So you become conscious of all that more acutely.

PHAWKER: There’s cognitive dissonance in trying to reconcile the double-edged sworded-ness of all these technological advances.

WILL BUTLER Yeah.

PHAWKER: So with the way the band approached the promotional campaign for this album — the usb fidget spinners, the spoof premature review, and the dress code for a show — it’s directly lampooning music media and consumer culture. Would you say that Everything Now is Arcade Fire’s most political album to date?

WILL BUTLER To be honest, I have no perspective on how the album feels because I approach all our records with a dual mind. They come from the world that we live in. That’s how we’ve always made art; we plug into the community and the people around us. What emerges is intimately tied to that both in the artistic and political aspects. I think part of the emotion has just been having fun and part of it has that you gotta’ dance to keep from crying a little bit. It’s difficult to tease out the specific aspects of that in my brain. A lot of that was instinctual. It wasn’t plotted out.

PHAWKER: So it’s more emotionally driven and then intellectually explained after the fact?

WILL BUTLER I think so.

PHAWKER: It’s always difficult for me to feel emotionally connected to music when I haven’t heard it live and have only heard recordings. Can you tell me what the songs on Everything Now have felt like, playing them live?

WILL BUTLER It feels really good. I don’t know if it’s just because we’re better musicians, so we’re just playing the songs faster. You know, everything now has been on the radio a little bit, so people know the songs more. But it’s felt more instantly familiar playing these songs than songs in the past, so that’s been exciting.

[newssplashy]

Paetyn, an impish 1-year-old, has two fathers. One of them gave birth to her.

As traditional notions of gender shift and blur, parents and children like these are redefining the concept of family.

Paetyn’s father Tanner, 25, is a trans man: He was born female but began transitioning to male in his teens and takes the male hormone testosterone.

“I was born a man in a female body,” he said.

His partner and Paetyn’s biological father is David, 35, a gay man.

Their daughter, they agree, is the best thing that ever happened to them.

“She’ll grow up in a very diverse home,” David said. “We surround her with people who are different.”

In addition to their day jobs — David works at an insurance exchange, Tanner at an auto-parts store, a cleaning service and a bar — Paetyn’s fathers are both drag performers at a local club near their home in upstate New York. To protect their privacy, only their first names are being used.

Trans men have conceived on purpose, but Tanner isn’t one of them. In his case, it happened by accident after he missed a few doses of testosterone, and he didn’t suspect he was pregnant until the morning sickness hit. It was a shock, but he and David said that from the start, there was no doubt that they wanted the baby.

“We get to have a child that’s biologically ours, which is an opportunity a lot of people in our community don’t have,” David said.

The first time they saw the fetal heartbeat on ultrasound, they wept.

“I can still see it as clear as day in my head,” David said. “It was a life-changing moment.”

Tanner said, “On the first one, she looked like a little peanut. Next time, boom! It was a baby. You could see the spine and everything. It was so cool. I saw her hands, and it was like, ‘You’ll be a drummer or learn sign language.’ It blew my mind.”

Tanner had to stay off testosterone until the birth, but he had no interest in ever identifying as female again or dressing as a woman.

“Yeah, I’m a pregnant man,” he told friends and acquaintances. “What? I’m pregnant. I’m still a man. You have questions? Come talk to me. You have a problem with it? Don’t be in my life.”

Starting in his teens, Tanner’s transition from female to male had been a series of steps over a number of years. As a child, he was a tomboy who preferred boys as friends and played tackle football. “I always felt different,” he said.

Puberty, and the changes that came with it — especially the developing breasts — were torture. Suddenly, he was no longer allowed to play outside without a shirt. His first bra, a happy rite of passage for most girls, brought him to tears.

He began struggling with anxiety and depression connected to “gender dysphoria,” the sense that his body and outward gender did not match his identity.

“It’s a constant battle,” he said. “Being uncomfortable in your own skin makes for a negative life. You’re suffocating in your own body.”

He felt attracted to girls, but had been brought up to believe that being gay was wrong. Still, he came out as bisexual during his freshman year of high school, and then as what he called a butch lesbian.

During his freshman year in college, he saw a drag king performance for the first time — women performing as men — and thought, “I need to do that.”

He tried it — and sensed he’d found his identity at last. To hide his breasts while performing, he would wrap his chest painfully tight in duct tape.

He began to transition socially — to live as a man, asking friends and family to refer to him as he or him. After a year, he began taking testosterone. Gradually, his voice dropped, facial hair grew in, his periods stopped, his neck and jaw thickened, and his body fat shifted, giving him a more masculine build. It felt right.

“When you transition, you’re free,” he said. “It was the best decision of my life.”

He did not expect to fall in love with a man, but that is exactly what happened with David, a longtime friend — who had not quite envisioned himself with a trans man as a partner.

“David came out of left field,” Tanner said.

Tracing his own path — from bisexual to lesbian, drag king, trans man, gay man, pregnant man — Tanner laughed and said, “I’m literally every letter of LGBTQ.”

David and Tanner have a big network of friends and family — straight, gay, trans and every other possible variation — but both have encountered hostility in their hometown often enough to make them wary.

As his belly expanded into its unmistakable shape, Tanner spent more and more time at home, fearful that out on the street, the sight of a pregnant man would invite trouble. And, he said, “I just didn’t want to be judged.”

When he did go out, he wore an enormous black hoodie of David’s. “That hid it well,” he said.

He had always hated his breasts, even before transitioning, and as they swelled with pregnancy, he wore a tight sports bra to try to conceal them.

“The chest, that was what really messed with my head,” he said.

As fathers to be, they got some of their most enthusiastic congratulations from the drag world — the regulars at the club where both men perform, dancing and lip-syncing, Tanner as a drag king and David as a sassy, 6-foot-tall drag queen in a tight skirt and size 12-wide high heels.

Tanner, fluent in sign language, signs the lyrics as well — Bruno Mars, Michael Jackson and Pentatonix are among his favorites — and has a big following among deaf drag fans.

Apart from home, his only real comfort zone while pregnant was the bar where he and David performed.

At first, Tanner hoped the baby would be a boy.

“I thought it would be easier for me,” he said. “I’m not in tune with being feminine anymore. I’ll have to explain the transition. I don’t want her to feel that being female is a bad thing. ‘Dad used to be a girl. Now he’s not.’ I don’t want her to feel being a girl is wrong and you have to transition to fit in.”

They had one baby shower at a rented cabin and another at the club, with more than 150 guests, who gave so many diapers that Tanner and David didn’t have to buy any for months. They asked for books, as well, and got enough to fill a bookcase.

Being pregnant was difficult. “I didn’t enjoy it,” Tanner said. “I kept to myself.”

In the obstetrician’s waiting room, other patients, especially older women, gave him strange looks.

He spent most of the pregnancy fighting nausea and heartburn and was put on bed rest for the last trimester. Toward the end, he developed pre-eclampsia, a dangerous complication that landed him in the hospital — a man on the maternity floor.

He had pounding headaches and saw spots before his eyes; his blood pressure shot up to 187/111. The only cure for that condition is to deliver the baby.

It was not an easy birth. Doctors began to induce labor on a Friday, and Tanner struggled through labor all weekend. He had an epidural while watching the Super Bowl. It did not work.

On Monday, monitors suddenly showed the baby’s heart rate slowing, and doctors rushed him to the operating room for an emergency cesarean.

“Do you want to cut the cord?” a nurse asked David.

“They gave me scissors, and it felt like cutting a rubber band,” he said. “Then they gave Tanner the baby, and we cried.”

Tanner recalled thinking, ‘This is not real life. It’s some crazy soap opera.’ He felt close to passing out, but struggled to stay conscious. “It was awesome. Happy awesome.”

On the birth certificate, he is identified as Paetyn’s mother, something that he and David hope eventually to have changed so that they are both listed as fathers.

Tanner could not bear to nurse Paetyn: Breasts epitomized the gender he had abandoned. A few months later, he underwent “top surgery” to have them removed.

After Paetyn’s birth, he went back on testosterone.

“Once I started taking my T again after the baby came, it was kind of like a relief, because for me taking it makes me feel like I’m at the level where I should be mentally and emotionally,” he said. “It helps chill me out. I still have anxiety and depression, but not as much.”

They’d like another child. David hopes Tanner will become pregnant again. Some days Tanner likes the idea, and other days not — depending on his body dysphoria. Sometimes he thinks they should adopt.

“It’s what gay and trans people do,” Tanner said. “There are kids that have crap lives, and we could help them.” But he has mixed feelings: He knows couples who started the adoption process, only to have the birth mother take the child back.

“My parents and family and friends have had to transition right along with me,” Tanner said.

Tanner, whose father is a drummer, has taught himself piano, guitar, drums, beat box, French horn, tuba and saxophone. He plays by ear. Music is everything to him, and Paetyn seems born to rock.

At the first note, she is grinning, twitching her hips and waving her arms to the beat. She even manages to dance sitting down.

She’s a smiling, curious, easygoing baby. Her fathers dote on her, scrambling eggs or cooking cereal and mixing it with yogurt for her breakfast. She chugs bottles of formula. When David comes home from his day job, he scoops her up and cuddles her. She grins at his kisses.

“She is so awesome,” he said.

Their lives match those of most families with young children: an exhausting jumble of work, cooking, diaper-changes, endless piles of laundry and the wrangling of baby sitters.

About 65 people joined them to celebrate Paetyn’s first birthday. Her favorite gift was a Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood band set from Tanner’s sister. But a big empty cardboard box was still hard to beat.

What do they imagine for Paetyn?

“I hope she’s independent, has a successful career and an amazing family, and I hope she runs some sort of movement at some point for equality,” David said. “I think she will because of having two gay parents and a dad that had her.”

He also wishes for her to have a better childhood than he had.

And, David said: “I hope she’s a lesbian. Then we won’t have boys coming to the house and we won’t have to worry about her getting pregnant.”

“I hope she’s straight,” Tanner said. “It’s hard, to struggle with coming out, not feeling safe. Anyone in this community, they’re always walking around looking over their shoulder. There are people who will hurt you just because you’re gay or trans. It’s scary. If you’re straight and white in this society, you’re kind of better off. I’m half-black. People would pick on me because of my skin color. I didn’t fit in. I was too dark for the whites and too light to hang out with black kids. So I just made friends with everybody.”

He added, “My hope for her is that she learns to face fears and stare hatred in face and not be intimidated by it. I want her to overcome and not let people bother her. I want her to raise above all of it and prove everyone wrong, and make something of herself.”

“She’ll feel how she feels,” David said.

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.

JACKIE MOLLOY and DENISE GRADY © 2018 The New York Times

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