#imagine being fucking unable to split yourself from your identity as the others half. always being a matched set. and yet

[seaswalllow]

<- brain chemistry permanently altered by the theme of being able to love someone and be unable to see them for who they are + be unable to coexist with them

[gotatext]

by this point im p sure u all know the drill.... i’m nora, 23, she/her, gmt and tonight matthew im going to be greta o’driscoll, a terrible person but a hot one which frankly makes it almost ok. here is her pinterest..... this intro is literally just copied n pasted frm the last time i played her so soz if u’ve read it like 10+ times.... 

「 diana silvers. cis-female. 」have you seen greta o’driscoll around yet? i hear she decided to be in POTENTAS for their SOPHOMORE year as a CRIMINAL PSYCHOLOGY major. the 20 year old SHEPHERD is known to be tenacious, magnetic, capricious and evasive. ➨ the muse is written by nora, she/her, gmt.

was adopted as an infant. had two foster moms and two older sisters so always surrounded by women. lived in a boarding house, very much like the one in 20th century women, with lodgers coming in and out all the time, mostly artsy young women because her gay moms were both high school teachers trying to set up their own arts collective. one of her moms left when she was 4, n she doesn’t really remember her.

while living with entirely women made her super into catlin moran and the guilty feminist, as a teenager she often let boys walk all over her bc she just craved male attention jst bcos she’d never really experienced it. saw it as something aspirational, like sitting in the back of chad’s second-hand truck while he drove you to macdonalds and offered you and his five friends with identical haircuts weed was the height of being cool to greta, she wanted to be their dream girl, even if it meant compromising her beliefs

was always a really sporty bitch. it started with a junior athletics squad, which turned into athletics and cheer, which then became athletics, cheer and hockey until she basically was doing a different activity every night. she came to see her body as a tool that she could make work for her if she trained it up and this attitude’s always kind of stayed with her that as long as her body is strong she is capable of anything. runs every day. 

bubbly bitch but also massive snake. metaphorically and literally, always shedding her skin. loyal to few, ruled by none, out for herself, babey!! every place she goes, she becomes a new character, someone who’s a figment of her imagination, as if each city is repertory theatre and she’s a character actress, so as a result som ppl think she’s called rita, some ppl know her as margot, she just flicks through identities like nobodies business.

left school at 18 n went backpacking around the states making money in the casinos by being a shot girl (yeehaw) and trying to make it as a mysterious 1920s widow with a smoky voice, a dark secret n a heart of gold, looking for love in the big city. all she found was producers and acting agents who’d promise her stardom n actually just fuck her in a motel n then ignore her calls.

TW domestic violence, TW gun, her watershed moment came when she met luke in sioux falls while she was working at a strip club. he was a few years older and had a car, and they kind of went from seeing each other to being that super intense couple who are just necking all the time.

they got engaged like 3 months after they met n rented a flat together, much to her family’s annoyance but she was 19 so there wasn’t much they could do. their relationship was super super intense though, often really heightened and when they fought it could become quite violent, but she’d pass it off as just him being really passionate.

one of their fights got really heated and greta threatened him with the gun he kept in the glove box of his vauxhall corsa, but the safety was off and she accidentally shot him. she pleaded self defence in the trial n cos of the amount of times she’d been hospitalised for various concussions n things like ‘fallling down the stairs’ the police were like yea… pretty watertight evidence that he was a bastard who [chicago voice] had it coming….. 

she’s now under witness protection, rehoused in livingstone as a sports-scholarship student, due to the amount of police involvement in the area, it would mean should one of luke’s family members try to track her down, she’d be relatively safe

massive sports fanatic. plays tennis. on the cheer team. was a track superstar in her high school. honestly just that sporty bitch, you’ll see her doing lines at a party at half four and then on your way to your 9am lecture you see her running across the park like a fresh fucking daisy who is this bitch. maybe it’s maybelline, maybe its coke.

massive feminist. low key quite scared of powerful men bcos of her ex. wants to start a female only lesbian commune bc she misses her childhood in a south dakota boarding house and has endless support for women. honestly annoyed that she is attracted to men, would so be 100% gay if it was a choice. cuffs her jeans and can’t drive. is That bisexual. skateboards. wears backwards caps.  i hate her 

isn’t a foward-planner, however. greta prefers to leave her options open, play the field, live in a spontaneous manners so her study style is mostly cramming a few days before a test, or staying up all night writing an essay on a massive adrenline boost powered by red bull or probably adderall, scribbling (or typing) furiously into the night.

has an addictive personality. seems unable to do anything in a small dose, she has to let it utterly consume her. with sports, she’s fiercely competitive. with alcohol, it’s never a shot, it’s a whole bottle – wine or whiskey – she’ll be table dancing before the night’s up and making out with someone she’ll regret in the morning. 

not afraid to go after what she wants !! ambitious academically and romantically thirsty !! she loves the adrenaline of the chase. when someone’s easy to get, she becomes bored. very bisexual and very proud of it. feminist as fuck nd part of a queer representation in the arts group which holds fortnightly meetings to discuss lgbt representation in film, literature, art etc.

old soul in a young person’s body. all the shit that has gone on has kind of aged her. she’s quite cynical about everything now. always smoking smoking smoking. very edie sedgwick in that way.  little girls skirts bought for next-to-nothing at the market because she’s skinny enough to get away with it, barely long enough to cover your bum, and then the ugliest baggy sweater you’ve ever seen thrown over it.

likes old things. old books, old music, old houses, it reminds her of happier times like when she wasn’t alive. buys all her music on vinyl and has a gramphone because “The Sound quality is Better” kfdsjj.

super into pop art and andy warhol. puts female friendships above everything but at the same time, would fuck her best friends man

her clothing style is like…. vintage thrift store but make it preppy. berets and cute hats, neck scarves, large fluffy cardigans or like those leathery jackets with big suede fringes on them, mini skirts (very 70s), and knee high socks or boots. quite often she’ll be in sports kit, maybe a cute tennis skirt, n when she’s feeling casual she’ll wear like, a talking heads tshirt with a pair of mom jeans and converse, but otherwise, the library is her catwalk.

aesthetics:

a bubble of pink gum on chapped lips, mom jeans, a beaten up pair of adidas, denim jackets, strawberry laces, knee-highs, chapped lips, peeling sticky plasters, split knuckles, bruises you try to cover with concealer, stick and poke tattoos, hot coffee, sleep caught in your eyes on a lazy afternoon, kissing girls, cigarette smoke shrouding you like a veil, alien conspiracy theories and sci-fi paperbacks, doc martens with fraying laces, the red string of a thong peaking out purposely from jeans, leonine arch of your back and that stellar smile that says ‘you have no idea who you’re dealing with’, a rucksack permanently packed for the move, a streak of red across your lips, roller blades, cut knees, not eating your greens, smiling with a mouthful of blood, and piercing your own ears with a safety pin when your mom wouldn’t take you, kate moss posters lining the walls of a teenage bedroom, his name scrawled in rage across the pages of a diary, thumb holes poked through the cuffs of your sleeves, a tennis racket you punched through in a fit of temper, feet pounding the earth until your soles bleed crimson, sleeping in a cherry lip balm and scrunchies to keep the wild locks from your eyes.

wanted plots

frinds !! unlikely friends !! toxic friends !! former best friends separated by sports rivalries ! sporting friends who are on other teams but who she absolutely loves playin against!!! 

since greta literally can’t differentiate between romantic and platonic love, she’s got off with so many of her mates, so i want awkward friendships where they nearly dated, or exes that have now just turned into weird friendships

 girls from the cheer team who she’s like, weirdly intimate with like the shower together but its not a Thing cos the other girls straight !!! what do u mean !! aha just fun !

and I want like, fellow criminology students who are like?? how is this bitch still passing?? i swear she goes out every night?? 

she works part time at a fast food restaurant, i want a mate that just goes and sits in there talking to her until her manager gets angry. 

ppl she did a few modules with ie. art history, bio-med, film studies, before changing course and somehow sort of remaining in touch with

 ppl who she runs track with. 

someone she’s trying to make a zine with. 

here’s a list of plots on her old blog if u want any of them w her.

would love plots of any type, throw them all at me please, i cnt wait to interact w all of u. like this if u want me to message you about connections / plots! xo

full biography if u can be bothered

trigger warnings: drugs, domestic abuse, gun.

you never meant for it to happen. you’d heard the stories, of girls who let their man walk all over them, and thought to yourself “i’ll never be one of those girls…” the kind that eat low-fat yoghurt and drink slim fast to shred a few extra pounds because he said she was getting round in the tummy, or the ones who spent their evenings tied to a kitchen sink drinking wine while him and the boys played poker, wishing god, if only I could get out of here. not you, not you raised by strong women, four bright shining beacons. single mother with her hard-as-nails attitude and her stony glares, elder sisters (twins) one ginger, one blonde, one doctor, one lawyer, both determined to take a bullet to the brain and a hammer to the patriarchy before they let a man touch them without asking. you were always so inferior, so insecure and small, like a bird (like a sparrow) with blonde plaits down your back sucking tropicana whilst your busom buds sucked dick, their lips permanently ripe with stories of their sexual exploits, fake tan and glittered nails whilst you sat in the unbroken egg of virginity wondering what it was like to be loved. one day you found out.

lily milligan’s parents gone and a free house for the night, bottles of ouzo and tequila swiped from your mother’s liquor cabinet thinking she wouldn’t know (she always knew) your legs, hardened from pep squad, slut dropping on a kitchen table because the boys thought it would be fun to get the quiet girl drunk. you’d never had a sip before that night. band t-shirts, denim shorts and the split soles of rotten converse that you refuse to let go of, you still clutched with both hands to your youth, but in a tube top now (borrowed from alice carmichael who had a sister in college) and a short tennis skirt, your feet not in trainers but in thigh-high boots. uncomfy as hell but lily said you needed to look sexy. you didn’t know if you wanted to be sexy. you didn’t know what kind of girl you were, if you were even a girl at all. but robbie looked at you like he knew exactly who you were, like he knew you better than you knew yourself, and his lips had the pink cupid’s bow of a movie star, and his hair was dark locks, curling like a mane. his hands were soft, and suddenly on your waist, and after three more shots his lips were on yours and his name was the only sound in your head and on your lips as you lost it in lily’s college sister’s bedroom beneath the glare of a T-Pain poster. you bled for what seemed like hours, his hand still in yours, kissing on the sofa as truth tellers and dare devils continued to spin a bottle of unprecedented youth. you thought it was love. robbie was the one. he loved you, you knew it, how else could someone be so soft? but soon he grew bored, scrunched up your paper heart and set it alight. then came the tears, the hatred, the ‘fuck robbie, in fact, fuck all boys.’ and that you did.

you were known for being easy. any boy could be yours for a night, as long as he promised to love you for those few short breaths and pants before you cried yourself to sleep. you felt poisoned, but poisonous as well, as if by ensnaring these young boys you were gaining power over them, and not the other way around. soon it started to work. they’d want more, but you’d deny them it, sick of sucking off silly schoolboys, they’d call you a tease, a vixen. maybe you were, but you couldn’t help but want older men. you got the history teacher first time, him bending you over his desk to sneak a hand up your tennis skirt as the after-school clubs carried on next door, unawares. love didn’t exist, not for you. it was nothing but a game for pretty young girls to play, bubble gum in their canines and a hand tugging at the hem of their cheer skirt.

there was so much anger inside of your small body, ‘beware of boys and their hook-like words’. hockey helped. there was something formidable about the feeling of a stick like a weapon in your hands and the thwack it made against thighs in the heat of a scrum - “slipped, sorry!” - you’d utter with a snakeskin smile, millicent quinn knowing that you’d hit her on purpose because she shagged robbie at that party last week. she couldn’t prove it, cobbled acne on her forehead turning green with disgust. ben came into your life like a car crash. two years your senior, with a baseball jacket and shoulders like a god. he became your personal hero. on the pitch, he was lethal. together, you could bring anyone to their ruin. each day after last period he’d be waiting in his car. you’d leap into his arms like a girl-half starved, love me, love me, love me, your heated kisses the envy of every junior girl. he was yours for three blissful years, utterly yours, and you were his, his star-spangled girl, and he was your knight - you were both the same, playing games, always difficult to predict. it was a shock to all when he proposed, high-school sweethearts find love in south dakota.

the engagement was a bittersweet affair; three months – you barely out of your gingham print skirts and into a graduation gown, him, a surly quarterback towering above your sisters, cigarette at his lips and a scowl like a fart in a lift. they hated him. so did you. but you were eighteen and in love, and he fitted the cookie cutter mould. everyone wanted him, and you had him. you had him and you were happy, happy, happy, and he loved you. he said he’d give you the world, anything you wanted hand-picked and given to you. instead, he gave you a jack russell terrier and a flat you couldn’t swing a cat in, wallpaper peeling like the rotten bits inside of you, the bits that only he knew. and you got tireder and tireder of the sad excuse of a life he’d picked out for you, him out doing god knows what to pay the bills, and you dancing on tables to pave your way to stardom, and this was love, this was real, until the shine wore off and your fresh-faced, dimple-cheeked cheerleader facade faded and the ugliness started to reveal itself, the whining, the petulance, the sharp-tempered cruelty, the mind games, the need to always win, win, win. he was dull, he was boring, he was nothing like the boy the girls had said he was and no chiselled six pack could hide his lack of anything remotely interesting, your patience wearing thin until it snapped like rubber, a rucksack on your back, running shoes on your feet and the joint bank account emptied into your eighth grade birthday wallet.

you built your small fortunes working the casinos of sioux falls, a crimson dress and an attitude to match. bookish archie with his little dipper freckles was fun for a month, before he became just as dull and dreary as the rest. a three hour bus and you were in minneapolis, bright eyed and bushy tailed, fresh meat ready for the pickings. a hostel here, a friendly co-worker’s sofa there as you made what you could by taking off your clothes and shaking your ass like you were back in pep squad, doing what you did best. you met your fair share of creeps, and soon it was back on the road to escape a wide-eyed stalker and a restless itch for more. milwaukee, chicago, you made the roads your own. log cabins and lodgings, and the occasional motel, a beaten up pick up truck purchased at a scrap merchants – you got a few miles out of it before it bit the dust, and when you finally set it alight after nights spent lounging across the driver’s seat, a parka tucked over you as a duvet, you were sad to see it go. you’re nomadic by fault, never attaching to place, people or things, creating a new personality in every place you go like a character actress; each town is a different repertory theatre, and you’re the star. a compulsive liar, you even fib about your own name, to some you’re ellen, nineteen, bookish, a law student who likes smoking and cosmos. to someone else you’re rita, you’re twenty five and look young for your age, like smoking, comics and fucking in public places.

in the bright lights of michigan, you found charlie, sweet charlie, too good for you, though you let him spoil you while he thought you were the small town girl of his dreams. next came abigail, who was fun until the jealously kicked in, and then luke, gorgeous luke, dangerous, exciting, who despite his temper, despite the fights, despite bruises down your spine and your teeth marks on his arms, loved you with the strength of a wild fire. there was destruction in your wishbones, a savageness from the field, from the pitch and now somehow in his arms, you were godly. he was cruel, he was careless, and he refused to fall at your feet like so many other boys had, which only you made you want him all the more. you were rage incarnate. you hated him so fiercely you thought you might kill him, so he played the only card you wouldn’t predict; proposed.

the house you shared was a backstreet flat in detroit, you making your name as a downtown singer while he footed the bill with pills. they had a drug for anything these days, to dull the senses, to pick them up, to drive you to insanity or pull you out of the madness hole. the two of you lived like criminals on the run (you never told him that you were, living out your days as the enigma he wanted you to be), you with your voice like caramel and fishnet legs. you were his and his alone until his hand was at your throat and the gun was in your hands screaming at him to stop, stop, stop, until a bullet stoppered his brain, crimson staining linoleum as you cast yourself out like lucifer. self defence was decreed the moment they saw your violet neck, black tears and headlight eyes and mind screaming red, red, red like the pom-poms you shook so willingly in school and the insides of his skull. you were gone, and “you” was born, renamed “greta”, boxed, shipped-out, and next-day delivered to livingstone where under witness protection you were a student, blank slate, fresh-faced in a place where no one knew your name, doing what you always did and starting again.

[wannaonestars]

the little mermaid au! ong seongwoo

the following scenario is based on the traditional storyline. please keep note that there are many different versions of the story, and not just the disney one.

ok so you’re the mermaid/merman (your preference) who adores humans bc like it’s so cool they have legs?? the idea of having legs and being on land just FASCINATES you and you’re sneaking around the shores to watch humans

and one day you’re just swimming on the surface and saying hi to the cute seagulls when you notice the sky turning dark and the clouds getting shady so like it was basically time to go

but just then you notice a ship floating like nowhere cLOSE to the shore

even though mermaids were always called a myth and you’d get chewed out if anyone saw ur tail you’re like…I need to save them >:((

and so you swim over to save the poor souls when suddenly rain just started POURING and the winds picked up out of nowhere and then you saw a body fall into the sea

you’re like oh shIT and suddenly accelerated in water to save the poor soul

you eventually find him and you get rly alarmed bc he isn’t struggling or anything he’s just kinda lifelessly sinking

you grab him and basically turn into an underwater jet bc you’d never swam so fast no not even when your mermaid mom told you dinner was ready

getting him to shore was so difficult because 1) the human was heavy and 2) you had no legs so you had to crawl to get far enough onto land

the dude (seongwoo if y’all didn’t realize yet) still wasn’t moving and you were panicking like??? he shouldn’t be dead yet

you do the mermaid version of cpr which was to….press your lips against his to suck all the seawater out of him

a minute later you start getting dizzy because you’re getting too dry so you had to crawl back into the sea…and you proceed to go back home but you just…couldn’t get that man out of your head….

meanwhile a princess from a different country visiting seongwoo’s found him collapsed on the beach and shook him awake and seongwoo’s like…what happened??

let’s call the princess rika like that snake from mystic messenger

anywaYS

rika told him that she “”saved”” him from drowning and he’s like…oh and that’s what she ends up telling the his father aka the KING and rumors spread around the palace like crazy like everyone was like damn they probably gonna get married now

meanwhile on yOUR END you were swimming towards the sea witch’s domain to ask for a pair of legs because after being on land and feeling the frustrations of being unable to stay for too long you REALLY wanted to become a human

the sea witch asks for your voice in exchange which was…a huge price

your singing is like the only thing that anyone’s ever praised you for so giving it up would be the same as tossing away half of your identity but…u know what, in the human world no one’s gonna know u anyway  

so she casts a spell and gives you the legs u wanted and then shoots u out of the sea

after you get to shore and struggle to get the hang of walking for like 7 hours you pick up some rags to cover yourself bc that stupid witch didn’t give u any clothes

you just want to explore the village and ur getting looks bc wtf ur wearing some dirty rags with sand all over and wobbling like jello but u don’t rly care

suddenly you find a boy aka sEONGWOO in a quiet part of the area just…dancing and you were like!!! oh my gOD that’s amazing how can his legs and arms move like that…

and without thinking you start…singing a melody to go along with his movements and seongwoo snaps his head around and is like??? holy moly what but a split second later he breaks out into this wide grin and just keeps dancing and going along to your wordless song with a contemporary style

you’re a little weirded out urself bc weren’t u supposed to lose your voice??

the witch from her chamber: SHIT I FUCKED THE SPELL UP

anyways ur like lol whatever my win and when u end your song seongwoo approaches you and is like…hey, who are you?

let’s pause for a second and imagine seongwoo with a long sleeved white collared shirt with the first few buttons not buttoned and like windswept black hair

anyways ur like holy triton he’s hot and you tell him your name and he starts questioning where u live and stuff and why you’re dressed like this and when you’re unable to give him a proper answer he’s like…hey do you wanna come with me? bc he figures that you might be an abandoned child

he smiles that prINCELY smile of his and says “you sing really well. i’d love to have a performance with you again.”

and then he calls his horse over to give you a ride back to the palace

listen…if u thought seongwoo driving a car was good pls imagine prince seongwoo riding a horse

when you guys get to the palace rika dASHES towards seongwoo and swallows him into a hug and you’re both like?????

rika: bABE!!! father agreed to our marriage!!!!!!!!!

seongwoo: what

rika: it’s in two months!!!!!!!!!

seongwoo: wHAT

he’s so confused because his father literally nEVER discussed this with him and then a few seconds later when he finally understood the situation he immediately pushes rika off and sprints to his father’s study to argue

seongwoo: father?? why am I suddenly hearing news of marriage????

father: well, she did save you from drowning

seongwoo: I doubt it wtf her clothes weren’t even WET…like the most she could’ve done was shake me awake dad

father: ridiculous. I believe her claims like i’ve known her for three dayS seongwoo that’s enough for me to be able to tell that she’s an angel >:0. you’re already a young adult my son you need to find a partner soon so unless you can find a better option than rika then this marriage is gonna continue.

ten minutes later seongwoo comes out upset and annoyed and without saying anything else he just leaves for his room

you follow him bc like :((( poor bab. his door wasn’t locked so you just enter and ask if he’s okay

seongwoo smiles a little and just says “yeah…” but you knew he wasn’t

you: hey…it’s okay to talk to me about it

and tbh??? you’re literally the first person who’s ever shown any hint of genuine care for him without any motives…all seongwoo remembered from his childhood was getting spoiled silly because no one dared to get on the king’s bad side

and he tells you how he’s frustrated with all these decisions getting made for him and that he has absolutely no interest in an arranged marriage with someone who he doesn’t even know and for a whole half of hour he kinda just spills to you his entire childhood and the little things that he had been annoyed with but never had anyone to tell

and then he just exhales bc like that was sO much that he just dumped on you…and this is the point in which seongwoo unconsciously develops a special bond with you

and then he lets out a little laugh and ruffles your hair and is like lol sorry…let’s get you some decent clothes to try on ok? and he calls some maids over to get ur shit together

while changing into these weird (BUT EXTREMELY PRETTY) new clothes you realize that he was the boy you saved…but who would believe you?? you couldn’t be like hey guess what i’m the mermaid who saved u but i became a human last night

like the ppl here seem stupid but not that stupid

when you meet seongwoo again at the balcony with your combed hair and pretty clothes seongwoo was like oh my god…..they look gorgeous

he didnt say that tho like this is still ong mcongity the ongth ongster seongwoo

so he just winks and said “you’re gorgeous but….well, now ur next to me buddy ;)”

you shove him a lil and he laughs and then he asks u if you could sing for him again

and he just dances to your music all night long with an expression of pure bliss and at some point he grabs your hands and makes you dance with him hehe

cue ur dumb mermaid butt falling and tripping like 99 times but seongwoo enjoys it so much that he just laughs and pretends to fall with you

the next few days is just you and seongwoo singing and dancing like whenever y'all pass by each other in the hallways he makes the uGLIEST expression and just moves his arms and legs like an octopus and that always makes you giggle so hard bc that actually reminds u of ur octopus friends fredrick and joseph back at sea

he didn’t give a flying flick about wedding preparations and always avoided talking about it by grabbing you and fleeing to the town square to perform in front of whoever wanted to watch

rika always got livid whenever she hears that both the prince and u disappeared and would stay up as late as she could to “talk about it with her future husband” but u know what seongwoo doesn’t give a flying flick about her either so it’s just “yeah yeah” before he leaves again

you two get so much recognition and love from the townspeople they’re adore the performances so much and just get drawn to y’all like they’re in a trance

it’s so much fun!! some people even joke that u two are perfect for each other lmao

seongwoo: folds his ears to hide the blushing red tips

and then it gets to the point where!!! the king!!!!! asks you two to perform for the visiting countries!!!!!!!!!

it’s such an honor but honestly you feel so pressured bc like what if your voice cracks???? but seongwoo notices your nervousness quickly and so he walks over and grabs your hands and squeezes them and just says

“i believe in you.”

and your heart just MELTS bc…seongwoo had the softest and most gentle look on his face when he said that

“i really, truly, absolutely, definitely, totally—”

“stop,,,,right there,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,” like dammit seongwoo DONT RUIN THE MOMENT

and then he takes your hand in a much more elegant manner and leads you onto the dance floor…where the two of you perform with every fiber of your being

once your song and his dance and the thunderous applause ends seongwoo turns to you with this grin that stretches across from one end of his face to the other and u rly can’t resist smiling back as widely as he is

a short while later you two are at the balcony again laughing about stuff when suddenly seongwoo goes “you know…I really wish that this could go on forever…like, just you and i dancing and singing together until my bones break”

you don’t know what to say to that bc his expression is so serious like he doesn’t look like the usual joking dude who eats ur slice of pizza when ur not looking

and suddenly u feel seongwoo leaning closer to you….like his face is INCHES away from yours and u can feel his breath on your skin…….

“if you agree to it…i can ask my father to stop the wedding so that….you and i can be together instead…”

you’re like sweating right now bc??? what is he saying???? and for a few seconds you can’t tell whether that loud thumping sound was coming from your chest or his

“you’re the first person who i’ve been able to confide in and talk to…I don’t care what your background is, I—actually, what am I saying haha this is embarrassing, never mind—”

“yes”

his eyes pop wide open and he’s like??? what?????

you make this embarrassed lil smile and just go,,, “i’m willing to spend the rest of my life with you, ong seongwoo.”

seongwoo’s entire body just flares up and this burst of joy EXPLODES within him and he’s absolutely unable to contain it so he suddenly pulls you into a bear hug and spins you around and around

and he’s laughing like…after over twenty years of being treated like a he could never be a normal person and enduring the fake kindness being thrown at him for self benefit he finally found happiness and it’s honestly the BEST feeling that he’s ever experienced

and you’re laughing while in his arms but the you suddenly say “"hey…but what if i’m a mermaid?”

he almost drops u like wHAT

but then a second later his wits take over bc hey he’s ong mcongity the ongth ongster seongwoo

and he makes this playful grin and is like “it was my childhood dream to marry a mermaid”

this is probs gonna be like the longest scenario I ever write… anyways, thank for reading this far LOL I hope you liked it!! this is probably 100 times more cliche and stupid than it already was in my head but lmfao i’ve always kinda wanted to put twists in original fairy tales. maybe i’ll do this for other members? idk, we’ll see how much inspiration I can get ٩( ᐛ )و 

[shoeshoesho]

August 15, 2019

I am having a hard time motivating myself lately. Maybe the unemployment is getting to me finally. I went on a little excursion yesterday. reminded me how important it was to do so. Anyways, i sit here, counting down the hours until tyler is back.. 4:30. When did I get like this? Lazy. apathetic. pathetic, really.  We drove home a few days ago and i was in good spirits because ive been wanting to go home- i dont know why.. maybe cause im super bored. Anyways, long story short the whole health scare became overwhelming. When I was younger I used to think my dad was kind of an asshole to my mom, in the way that every time she said something was wrong with her health wise he always dismissed her and said, “your fine, your over reacting.” I think its a chinese thing to do, dismiss health issues and allow the body to heal on its own. Refuse medicine. High blood pressure is bullshit. My mom later found a leakage in her bowl that was the size of a softball. lo and behold, I find myself doing this to tyler as well.. I dont think it is quite the same though. I think it is more of a coping mechanism, allowing my life to go on as we handle the situation day by day (a continuous and classic coping mechanism I use all the time). The other is as a health care provider, I really trust the professional judgement of the medical team and not of a quick google search, “what causes neuropathy,” or “CMT symptoms.” I found myself, at the ER, with two of tylers cousins, his aunt, uncle, mom, dad. Grandmas crying on the phone. phones going off- bling, boop. Tears falling every few 30 min. And i found myself having to lie in a way, I found myself having to act stupid, I really had to make a good impression- I thought. I have become closer with his mom and dad, great family. Anyways the point is, after that whole deboccle, I finally came home and my mom basically told me I looked like shit. I felt like I had done 50 lines of cocaine the night before and didnt sleep more than 2 hrs (this was right after i spent the day with him at the hospital). I continued to feel awful the next day and the next. As I continue to come off that awful feeling (I think), I realize i felt I lost a sense of self in the experience. That day I came home I missed my friends.. some people I havent actually seen in months I lied to and said i wasnt here, because i knew there was no way i would have time/energy to see them. I had flashbacks of going to those pretentious shitty bars in SF on fridays or even in mountain view. As the terror went on, I realized, was I imagining my life single? As a single woman? As the iminent old age continues and my usefulness as a woman declines, right. marriage is impending. I have fantasized about me and T getting married. I know it to be true and i would say yes if he asked me today or tomorrow. I dont doubt a moment he is not the one. Weve talked about it before.  But this self Identity crisis is concerning.. and the fantasies continue, after my hiking trip (which is weird. Normally after a big trip I feel like i released some sort of burden on the trail, in which i come back to life with less worries than before). Lately it really hasnt been doing it for me, and i know it when i summit and I am sitting on top. For a split second, I imagined myself at a club, you know. when your looking for love and stuff and you are completely shit faced and you end up talking to someone that is half decent maybe (but you know is potentially a piece of shit). elation. mystery. danger? Theres a similar fight or flight response you get when you meet someone new or do something exciting (like scaling a mountain because its fucking dangerous). Do I miss that? I just feel stagnant. Like im fucking waiting around, but i have so much to do yet no will to complete it. I want to do something crazy you know? And i still miss my freinds. I think its an identity crisis thing. Maybe its from giving your partner so much of yourself- time, love, space, thoughts, memories. You begin to fill those other holes that used to be filled with your color only, and you find yourself forgetting what shade you once were. There is a sense of loss in self. I imagine, this is what can happen when you have a child as well. For the first time after writing this, I have a split second of reconsidering having children. I have realized I am in a small depression. I dont want to leave the trailer. I seem to be unable to plan things because i dont really want to do anything at all. I am unable to enjoy the things I once enjoyed. Is this what I want? I love him with all his issues and stuff. But this is the first time I have really wanted to just be me. Will it end in a blow out in one year? possibly? I have no idea. Am I selfish? Because i feel I am. Selfish after being self-less. I miss being in dolores park and being one of the guys. I miss going out with the girls and having big hang outs. IDK it was also fucking lonely and depressing, and you were always on the prowl for that someone. Always thirsty (for love or sex - people often confuse the two). I don’t care what you say but you either thirst or you give up and you never really really give up... its just natural. I will probbaly have to talk to tyler about this. Id like to let him know what is going on rather than fading away like most marriages and divorces in the united states result in.

i used to think I would climb every mountain in the united states. every national park. I havent used my ice pic once this year. T is unable to do those things with me becasue of his feet. He knows that, I know that- yet I still love him. But whose fault is that? My own. I need to get out of the trailer