#im writing harrison angst :D

[mockingbirdshymn]

ao3 hates me :(((((

also off topic but here throws the songs i listen to when writing harrison angst at you have this

oh ana by mother mother

its alright by jack stauber (loud sudden screachy noise warning. very big warning for this)

i cant handle change by roar

this isnt the end by owl city (the lyrics in this fit very well with my hcs for harrison's brother)

goodbye by bo burnham but only at 2:40 in the song to the end

gods whisper by ruary but this is mostly just a harrison writing song not specificly for angst

michael in the bathroom from be more chill the musical

look whos inside again by bo burnham

[rrickgrrimes8]

I loved Accident! Could you please do a part 2 where Y/N visits Tom in a dream and tells him "I'm okay, I loved you too, when it's your time I'll be waiting for you"

The Dream ~ Tom Holland

The Accident - Part 1

hey sorry for such a delay been in a real shit place and lost my reason to like writing but im kinda back now! 

i really liked this request and you know no shame in admitting a few tears dropped while writing this

warnings : death, funerals, just a whole lotta angst tiny eeny weeny bit of fluff, meanie tom at one point, just grief, maybe bad writing idk :/

click here for gif source

please let me know if you see any mistakes and/or any feedback thank you for reading, liking, commenting!!!!

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The weather felt all too bright for this day. Tom thought that at least. The sun was shining, so much that he had to shield his eyes. Earlier your mum had mentioned that it was like you were looking down on them but Tom didn't buy that. You weren't there anymore. Gone. Because of him. Tom still held that guilt despite how he would imagine you would tell him off for it. It was just how he was processing - it wasn't healthy but it kept him going. It kept him alive because if even for a second he could admit that it wasn't his fault he would completely give up. Because not giving up would be some form of punishment for his crimes. 

Still wishing for gloomy weather to match his mood Tom cringed as he felt the pebbles click under his dress shoes. Harder, than he meant to he pushed the car door too. "You coming, mate?" Harrison called to him. Tom bit his lip and didn't say a word. "I know it's hard but you have to do this. For her." 

The man scoffed, "You have no idea how hard this is." 

Harrison shut his eyes, sighing softly, "Whether you like it or not, Tom, I knew her as well. I cared for her as well. You're not the only one hurting right now." 

He hated how he knew Harrison was right but still shook his head solemnly. And he hated how his brokenness didn't stop his next words to leave his chapped lips. "You didn't know shit. You don't get to compare what you're feeling to what I am! I loved her. Fuck. You barely knew her! You knew her because of me! Me, Harrison! And she's dead because of me!" The pair stopped for a moment, the only sound was Tom's heaving breathes. "So no you don't get to compare yourself to what I am going through. Don't even bother, mate." Tom marched away, barely leaving time for Harrison to process what his best friend had just said to him. 

"Christ Tommy. You are so fucked up," he heard from beside him as he sat down on the first row of black chairs. Immediately his eyes shut. That voice. It was so similar to yours yet the bitterness and grief it held would never even brush across your lips. 

"Y/s/n," He half-heartedly greeted. 

"Lovely to see you as well," She mumbled sitting beside him, "I saw your little show back there with your friend... what was it? ... Harrison right?" Tom clenched his jaw, "Sweet guy. Definitely didn't deserve what you just said to him." 

"You don't know anything," He retorted. 

Y/s/n slumped into the back of her chair, "Y/n would've hated this. All this... fuss." 

"I know." 

"But then again funerals aren't for the dead right? Who gives a shit what a dead girl would've wanted?" She exhaled her words carelessly, a small twinge in her eye told Tom that she didn't mean a word she was saying. 

Y/s/n grabbed Tom's hand, which lay dormant in his lap. On instinct, he attempted to flinch away from the gesture but y/s/n kept it secured in hers. "She fucking loved you, you know?" she paused seemingly reminiscing on something, "And I remember how it destroyed her when you dated that girl. Fuck if I can remember her name. B-but I remember getting a call from her when she first met her. God, she was mad. Absolutely fuming. I can't even remember why she was - she probably couldn't if you ask... asked her. Y/n swore to me that when - not if because she was damn sure - you broke it off with her she would ask you out." 

Still mesmerised by y/s/n's hand in his hand - yet another thing that felt eerily familiar but so different - Tom croaked, "Why are you telling me this?" 

Y/s/n just smiled, "Because she never did. She never asked you despite being so determined. She never asked you out because when you did break up with her you were so sad. And it felt wrong to do that to you then." 

"I wish she would've." 

She sighed sorrowfully, "No you don't because you couldn't have said yes then. You know that and she did as well. I'm glad she didn't do it that night but god do I wish she got to do it before she died." Sharply Tom inhaled, the word 'dead' never was something he could get used to when talking about you. "Because it was you two. You were it. You were that annoying couple and it pissed everyone off because you weren't even a couple. You were perfect together and I wish you could've shown the world that." 

"Me too," He whimpered, "Thank you, y/s/n." 

"Don't thank me, Thomas, just take care of yourself alright? She would kill me if I didn't make sure of that at least." 

Curtly, Tom nodded and y/s/n released his hand. The loss was noticed immediately and although from the start it felt wrong, he missed it. He missed the feeling of you in his hand even if it wasn't actually you. Y/s/n stood up, smiled softly at him and walked away. 

The ceremony passed so slowly. And although the cemetery was filled with the sound of the heartfelt voices of friends and family it was all white noise to Tom. He could feel the wind brush against his cheeks but he couldn't hear it. He could see your mother break down and your sister holding her up as they neared that stupid brown box but he couldn't hear it. The noise of the world had been set to zero and the reality of your death had finally set it. You really weren't coming back. 

Fuck. 

~

That night sleep did not come easy to the young adult. He tossed and turned and only found solace when he cuddled into his pillow like it could be any substitute for you. As a young boy, Thomas Holland was always ambitious and that carried through in his dreams. Tom had gone to the past and the future and about any place in Europe in his dreams. He had acted in everything he had ever wanted to. But his favourite thing about dreams was that he could tell you about them. Hell even sometimes you joined him in them - those were his favourites. 

Tonight was one of those. 

In the dream, Tom was on a trail, one that didn't look familiar to him but he wasn't unsettled by that. Tom felt safe as he continued through the woods. One of the first things he noticed was that he was still in his suit from today. And whether that was due to him forgetting to take it off when going to bed or that it was because you always complimented him when he wore it, which was to basically every event he went to. In fact, the pair of you used to joke that he'd get married in it - unbeknownst to you, he wished for you to be the bride in that future. Another thing he noticed was the flowing water nearby. He couldn't see it but it swam like music in his ears. 

"Tommy?" Tom heard from behind him. He turned back to face where he had just come from but the breath was caught in his throat when it all had changed. The trees were lit up with fairy light, an aisle had been drawn in the dirt and his and your family were occupying tree logs and stumps, Harrison and Y/s/n at opposing sides of a wide naturistic arch. 

But more importantly, you were there. As beautiful as ever you stood under the flower arch, head to toe in white. You had a smile on your face from what Tom could see through your vail. 

"Y/n," He beamed, rushing down the aisle. Tom pulled you in for a hug as soon as he got close enough, "God I missed you so much, y/n." 

"I missed you too, Holland," you chuckled, "Are you okay, bubs?" Forcefully you pulled back and looked at Tom's face. He had tears running down his cheeks and small sniffles escaped his nose. "Oh, Tommy what's wrong?" Tom couldn't speak. He wouldn't dare to trust his voice right now. "Talk to me, bubby." 

"I...I just don't want to l-lose you," He cried into your white dress. Instinctively your arms wrapped around him, holding him so close. "I love you, y/n. I love you so much and I never got to tell you," Tom broke down. 

"I know, Tommy, I'm sorry I had to leave you so soon. But I love you too and that's what matters. I'm okay and I loved you too and when it's your time I'll be waiting for you," You pulled back from him again, "But for now I'd love to do something I never got to do when I was alive but something I dreamt about doing every night." Teary you laughed as you got down on one knee, ignoring how dirt stained your pristine dress. "Thomas Stanley Holland, will you marry me?" 

Tom chuckled too as although you were ringless you held your hands like you had one. "Yes I would," He cried. 

Joyfully you sprung up and into his arms. Catching your attention Tom laughed once more, "What?" 

He gestured towards to congregation of your family, "You knew I was gonna say yes, huh? Already planned the whole ceremony and everything?" 

You tilted your head at him, "Well what can I say you're predictable, Holland." 

"Oh, really I am? Then how about marry me right now and live a life of predictability with me. What do you say?" 

"I would love to, Mr Holland," You teased. 

"Your wish is my command, Mrs Holland." 

From between the two of you, a man appeared he began a long speech as stereotypical as any wedding scene, "Do you Thomas Stanley Holland take Y/n y/m/n y/l/n as you lawfully wedded wife?" 

Your eyes met, "I do." 

"And do you Y/n y/m/n y/l/n take Thomas Stanley Holland as your lawfully wedded husband?" 

"I do." 

"I now pronounce you, man and wife," the kind-faced stranger smiled, "You may now kiss the bride." 

Cautiously Tom lifted the sheer material and uncovered your glowing features, "You're so beautiful, y/n." 

"Kiss me already, dork," you joked and began to lean in taking him by surprise. 

As your lips joined the crowd began to cheer throwing flowers into the skyline. The kiss was perfect. It was everything Tom would imagine kissing you would feel like. Your lips moved perfectly against his. He couldn't stop himself from smiling as your nose graced his cheek. 

Regretfully, he departed. "I don't want to go," He told you quietly. 

"I know, baby. But you still have a life to live," you closed your eyes and exhaled. 

"I have no life without you," Tom rebutted, "And you know that. I can't wake up and not be with you. So please don't make me." 

Tom's arms slide to your waist and your arms to his neck as you began to sway slightly. Music played softly in the background and the floor beneath you turned to wood. "You have a family, Tommy. You have a career, friends, you have another soulmate out there for you," you promised him grievously. 

"I don't want anyone else. Y/n, you're all I care about. You're all I want," despair adorned his features, "I can't be without you." 

"You have to be," You span before joining back in his arms, "I know you can. You're so strong, Tom." 

"I don't want to have to be strong. I just want you." 

"And you'll have me when your time is done," you swore, "As for now I'll be watching over you. I'll take care of you." 

Tom simpered dejectedly, "You promise, Mrs Holland?" 

"I promise, Mr Holland," She stepped away, "Now go back into the world and be everything I know you can.Take care of Harrison for me. I believe in you, Tommy." 

Tom jolted awake, shouting your name. Sweat poured down his body, making his skin glisten. "Tom?! Are you alright?" Harrison shouted as he rushed into the room. He relaxed as he laid eyes on his unharmed friend. 

"She was here, Haz," He wept. 

"Oh mate," Harrison sympathised as he wrapped his arms around him, "It's alright, Tom. You're okay." 

"She loved me, Haz," He told him, "And we got married." 

Harrison looked at him oddly yet still smiled, "I better had been invited." 

"You were," Tom wiped his eyes, "Best man." The two best friends smiled at each other. 

"What was it like, Tom? What was she wearing?" He urged him. 

"She looked beautiful, Haz, her dress was all lacey and shit. Her hair was just... perfect as usual. She just looked... flawless," Tom closed his eyes trying to remember every detail of you, "She told me she loved me and guess what?" 

Harrison laughed at his sudden excitement, "what?" 

"She proposed to me." 

"Sounds like her," He quipped, "Definitely sounds like you, not having the balls to do it." 

"Shove off," Tom playfully nudged his shoulder. 

"Alright. Alright sorry what else happened?" 

The eldest of the two sighed, "We danced and she told me that she believed in me. That it wasn't my time and she would be waiting for me when it was." Harrison didn't utter a word, "Said she would be watching over me till then, protecting me. Told me to look after you." Tom rubbed his face of his misery and swiped his tongue over his upper lip, "I don't want her to get lonely up there but I'll keep going for her." 

"Good," He replied, "I'm so proud of you mate." 

They smiled at each other again and both rested into the bedframe. "I miss her," Harrison admitted, shedding a few tears, "And you were right earlier. What I'm feeling doesn't compare but I just... I just miss her a lot. Before when I was making lunch, I didn't even think, I just shouted to her if she wanted a tea." He smiled, "And I know it's so stupid but I didn't think. Obviously, she didn't answer so I made her one anyways... I only realised when I got into the living room. I almost smashed her favourite cup when I realised. She would've killed me for that." 

"Yeah, she would've," Tom laughed before frowning delicately, "I'm sorry about what I said... I didn't mean it. You knew her, of course, you knew her. And I'm glad I have you because if I didn't I couldn't keep going. I love you so much, mate." 

He smiled through the tears, "I love you too, Tom."