#im very ashamed to have to beg but i CANT lose my job because i cant bathe | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

the-reactionist · 5 years ago

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begging

for some reason [US's crazy fear-based policy to not trust easter European states with their internet privacy stuff] i can't write emails so i am posting personal stuff here; sorry MESSAGE: i have to post more often here as writing about issues helps me resolve them and understand them deeply; i never find the time ad strength/energy to; i need to make it my priority, though, because i can; i have the power too, so i’m obliged to do so;the pain whe delving in the wounds by teal swan’s methods, is too large to handle, though; she mst have bee treated real horribly to have that incapacity to relax within herself; because healig hppens with time; nd time ca heal anything; yet she is so restless in her death-cult-leader-scapegoat programming, that she has no time to deal with her issues and overcome them fully from within, to embrace her trauma and demonstarte to us her teachings emodied - what it looks liek to have overcomeyour trauma, physically; nd that is what we need; because ppl like myself, we follow, by example; so teal, your followers who have pened up not merely their minds but their hearts to your presence, need you to heal your inner child and go to other levels of expressing the truths you are embodying, because you don’t have time, ad we don’t have time, physically, to wait our entire lives; i have seen a decline in your activity and i saw a short fb video two or three years ago inw hich you explained you need to work more closely to the people so you are changing your course of teaching/actions; but i think that being i the flashlights IS what you have the power to be doing; beign amidst all the controversy;and i think that you still have lingering uresolved childhood torture and unimaginable abuse trauma; but i eed you to overcome it; i’m dying,i can’t hndle my issues and i need you because you are strg, you have before, and you can; PLEASE, be there for me, and please, teach me; i love you and i trust you, and moreover i do believe in you; please teach me in your ways btu the things i need for my expansion and development, which i feel is not simply mie but is the communnity’s; you are capable of leading us to the next levels; which is owning pour realities and being masters to the extent we all individually can; please do that for me/and others whi are erady for your hardcore strength ~thank you i feel like ale, a lot - when he pursued you, teal, and you didn't look at him at first, because of disbelief, i suppose; i am ready for you and i want you both for my and your sake; it is actual bonding, and i am not even joking - i mean it; iu know you are always asking your audience for questions to make videos on; and i am trying to write from years, but i can't; so instead i created blogs and fb groups, and pages, all related to your teachigns and how i interpret them for my life, ad how they help me grow; i need to work more completely with your mind, because when combining other spiritual philosophers' calmness with your catalystic power and depth, and structure/ logic of understanding, i become completely different - empowered to unbelieveable extent https://the-reactionist.tumblr.com/post/187233997680/benevolence-unconditional-love-the-innate i am sorry i have not enough money to buy your things - meditations, courses, workshop passes, retreats; i know they cost very little, but i can't hndle my life and i am not financially independent; but i love you, i want you to experience i 3d your fullest potential and capacity ebcause you rock, you help me every time, so i beg, please somehow connect to me in the spiritual plane so i can give you the srengths i am carrrying to hep you resolve, in time, your leftover past trauma - and it's a lot, i see it still, so that you can rock on life as you want to, and not keep stuck in these patterns of self-mistrust and victimhood, and powerlessness; you are gREAT, but unlike many of us - literally; and i am very very excited by you, on every single level,so you truly catalyze change i me, on a molecular, subconscious, sexual, physical, and though levels - hi5 for dat! because i'm hardcore too, eyt you manage to get through to me; i need you more, though, because i am workig with a lot of trauma myself; i have bee put in psychiatries by my parents because i started speakig about things they don't want to hear and maybe it wasn't tiem for them to; but sorry to be so hones - i see in you a sort of restlessness that is not helping the peoplewho depend on you to be helped and uided on our ow journeys/paths through reality; and you can help us; many more than you are targeting presently, in fact; your inner child feels unheard ad unexpressed, though, so in my view you still act a little irresponssibly, exerting your powerfulness in ways which are uhealthy and not deep enough/mature/rooted; maybe i'm too needy, as i have been to my mother, to my loved one, to my spiritual teacher/sect leader/first sexual partner,and i am to you now too, but i am needy, i am human, i am breaking - in body, and i spirit sometimes; im sorry; i am truly breaking/soft. and i think this is the genuine human condition; and i liek your power but i NEED to be protected by it to be fully myself and give MY gift to the wrld -w hich is mthering, care, heartful compassion and being there and holding space, but from the heart-space, not physically, and not so mcuh mentally, because i am not very educated in philosphies, and i have poor strength in that faculty; i am more basic, primitive, and i dont really feel ashamed by that; i am the powerful people's job, as the tao te chig goes; so i beg you - i can't do with teachings i the way your power/energy demands; there are thse whi are that physically strgn, but i aint; and i can't be; peopel have tried to train me but i'm too connected with teh feminiity and teh earth aspects of human beings to be able to overcome those - i am NOT a shaoulin monk, although i love both you an dthem all; i feel respect ad am honored to be residing on earth among peope like you, but i am sexually drawn to your types of strength and endurance - i wanna bear childern to the kids of you; i am NOT liek you

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i’m an old person/elder type fo being; i need to nourisha nd provide for your vigor and power to be manifested in reality more safely and completely i feel towards you the same way i feel towards the man i am fully in love with but i can’t get to him because footh of our unresolved issues ad i beg for help because i want to resolve those - our issues aren;tours alone; we care about/for others’ problems, that si why we can’t hande our lives; so i that way we are much like you; and i am like you in many ways; i wish i could communnicate to you - and i will ebcause i should - i blog posts, if i can find energy to, which i can’t... i’m so sorry but stress is killing me literally - i develped diabetes since my stepfather dies eight years ago and now there is noone to take acre of my basic needs financially and emotionally,a s supprt; so i breakdown; but i knw you can help me becaus ethsoe stuff don’t touch you; and i can help youw itrh stuff that dont touch me; or i have been a hero through, makig my way out of them;

sexual trauma ad abuse of femininity, is my specuialty, i believe; i am a one who in their love for humanity, their femininity and themselves, has raped themselves to try d develop compassion for those things humns do to each other - rape, abuse of feedom; i am thtat string in my plan for this incarnation; but i have been messed with, energetically and sexually - by a cult/sect; so i have lost my strengths and many of my point of stremgth - my stepfather being one of them; he is someone from my sould-family/group,and my grandmotehr has managed to manifest him into my reality to help me through life;

but he die physically, and his loss is unbearable, i have nothign to stand on and i cn’t handle my frmer tasts without taht kid fo support; that is why i am reahcig out t you; and i ave erached out to suzanne lie, sadhguru, and many thers for support; my lover/peron taht i am lin love with, AND his father, too -i have written to them and asked for suport dicetly, because i can and i need it; i am that in love withmyself that i have the capacity to ask for what i want when i eed my eeds met; i want you to have that fr yourself, tio; let me etahc you soemhow, lover

i read you as an incarantion of shiva; i love this being’s energy and how sexual and open with sexuality he/it is; i am much more feminine in nature though; which is a weakness; but i need help to overcome it, or try to, as i have promised, in my soul contract; i am running out f time because i am runnign it of energy; my soulmate/’twin flame’ partner/the boy i love and wanna marry and have child with is running out of his shin as well, his essence, his power; we have both depleted our chi through mastrubatig and abuse of our chi; you - no; you have that fire strong within you; please help us with guiding to vercome our foolish weaknesses and purge from our actual sinfulness - devoted to earthly elasure in a society that udnermines a persons needs for that type of pelasure; so tahtwe and many more can heal from thise types of stereotype and thinkig and go on with life; i cant by myself; my loved person has ecaus he’s younger an dhas different energy - he is much liek you; liek curt cobai, like jeff buckley ad others; you rock the world, you are strogn with or without others; i am not; i need others to grow still; i’m sorry i can’t be strger at this point; i am just t and i lose my mind when they want me to; i am a primadonna, an italian belcanto style opera singer type of person, and my femininity is such; and i have no shame for beign this wqay; i need your type of masculine scolding to refresh my poits fo view and receive revitalizing energy to grow into a best version of myself; better tahn i have been thus far; but you eed to be scolded by the lieks of me and becoem more herty and softer in your capacities, too; because i am a mother to you and th elikes of you - taht is ewhat i can; and i desire your kind sexually which is fun and awesome but it makes me frustrated a lot, too; look, this is nto a lustful invitation - idesire lustfully my neigbour who is a national chamion in hockey for my coutry,and the boy i mentioned ver a thousand times thus far, ebcause i need actual physcial sex; and i like men; i am to girls a prtector and support; or have been, t put it more accurately - now with my stepfathe rgone, i dot anymore have the strength to tdo taht msot of the time’ idot desire girls sexually; more than one man, yeah, but girls - i cant handle in my heart; s sorry but iam not meanign my words in a direct physical way, but mor e enretically; i really love you - which is a neediness expression in itself; i feel like this when i’m saying these words to you

Khajurahu, India

Ishtar ~Venus, Messopotamia

i feel my sacred feminine energy explode whenever around you; the spiritual catalyst - imma do a post specifically on how i see your energies linked to Quanyin and the sacred feminine; but as i have heard you speak before, you feel much more connected to your masculine energy so far, thus i’m gonna address you in the way i feel you as Lord Shiva/ the sacred masculine

i wanna #support YOU

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semenguine · 6 years ago

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i’m standing in the bathroom. or more accurately i’m hiding in the bathroom and i’m trying really hard not to cry. i’m just hiding and hiding and hiding. and hiding. from all my problems. and pretending like im washing my hands just washing and washing, and they’re getting really dry but i keep on washing and washing.

and then gary comes in and it’s just me and him and i’m waiting for some other woman to come in here please please. you can’t be in here, i say. he says, you’ve been in here for an hour. i say this is the women’s bathroom. he says, i’m a transgender. smirks like he’s mega owned me or something. i say no you’re not you have to get out.

im shaking my hands off in the sink and i’m backing away and i’m trying to move closer to a stall because he’s blocking the way to the door and so i can’t get out. he says did you have something to do with me losing my job? i say no. and i shake my head violently. and i say i had no idea.

and he tells me he doesn’t know if he necessarily believes that. and i say honestly gary, i had nothing to do with it. i’m sorry about your job. i feel like you said something, he says. i feel like i have to share some photos. and of course i did say something and the air is so thin it’s so thin i can’t even breathe but i go on shaking my head i say gary i didn’t have anything to do with it i really didn’t.

he’s walking towards me and i’m an idiot, i’m an idiot i back myself into the wall, he grabs me and he pulls me into the wheelchair accessible stall, i say OK okay OKAY okay okay OKAy okay okay im sorry and im waiting for somebody to come use the bathroom and im wondering why nobody needs to fucking pee why doesnt anybody need to fucking pee? i say okay share the pictures and it feels like a defeat and i want to vomit but i’d rather just have them out there i would then go through this again he says.

i don’t feel like it. and then he says how’s eden? and anger mixes with my fear and my nausea and i almost puke and i can’t breathe at all and i think im gaspng, short sharp desperate breaths, and he’s just smiling down at me. says. stupid lesbo. and i’m still trying not to cry i’m trying not to fuck up my stupid fucking makeup and i cant even find the words.

he asks me again he says i asked how’s eden and i break and i cry and i say how do you think she’s doing after you raped her and i’m waiting for somebody come in please and i’m suffocating and here we are locked in this stall and he won’t let me move and won’t let me go.

he says it wasnt rape, and he says he didn’t mean to injure her, but he says he hoped it took her down a peg anyway. he says he hoped he made her realize that even with fucked up junk she’s still not a man. and he says to me that i’m fucking delusional if i think that she could even compare to one. and i just cry and cry and i keep apologizing.

he pins me against the side of the stall and i beg him please please just share the pictures i don’t care and he says i told you, and he laughs, i don’t feel like it, and he pulls my skirt up and i sob and i’m choking on something my spit or snot or something and i beg him please and he holds his hand so tightly over my mouth and i really cant breathe and nobody comes in. nobody comes at all.

he’s so angry when he fucks me he talks about how he was only trying to help me and i fucked everything all up he tells me i’m going to go to hell he tells me to enjoy going to sleep to the sounds of eden beating my children he calls me a bitch and he calls me a cunt and he calls me a whore and he tells me to choke on his cock.

he untucks my dress shirt and unbuttons it and he pinches my nipples so hard and tight they start to bleed, the other hand is still tight on my mouth and he cums inside me. and he says fuck you for making me lose my fucking job. i’m still crying and i can’t even breathe. what do you even fucking know, he says. he pulls me away from the wall a little and shoves me against it. my head hits the side and my hair cushions it luckily.

you’re a retard, he says. brought here for diversity points. my brain’s not working anymore. i just keep on choking on the word sorry. he leaves the stall and leaves the bathroom. i keep the stall door locked and i stay in there and cry until i can’t cry anymore and then i hide until work’s ended. a person comes in. hours after. i’m not even crying anymore when she comes.

and my boss calls me to her office when i try to sneak by my desk at the end of the day and she says where did you go, sierra? and i am so numb all over and i say i was just. but i don’t have anything to say. i don’t know what to say and everything is awful and i can’t breathe again.

she says, you weren’t here on monday, you were very late on tuesday.. i know this situation with gary is hard but i still need you to come in, okay? he’ll be gone before you know it. i say nothing. my voice isn’t working. is everything alright? she asks me. i nod and i try not to shake. i’m sorry, i gotta go, i say. i don’t want to miss the bus.

of course, she says. have a good evening, sierra. i keep expecting him to jump out but he doesn’t. and i don’t tell eden because i don’t want her to be worried and i feel so sick and stupid. i go to the bathroom and i lock the door. and i cry. silent as always. and i grab the razor and i relapse. i keep them shallow, i do. shallow enough to clear on their own eventually. but i make a lot. and i almost moan at the sting of it. i lick my blood.

the only way i can think of to explain is i feel like im in a vacuum and im getting sucked away. and i fantasize about suicide and i cry and i just hide and finally after an hour eden asks me what i’m doing and i tell her i’m constipated and she says my condolences and leaves me be. i rub my wrists exactly where i’d need to cut them to kill myself. feel the ridges and bumps of where i’ve tried that before.

i call a hotline and then i don’t know what to say and i’m so ashamed so i just say sorry and i hang up. i slam my wrists into the edge of the toilet seat again and again and again to try and ebb the craving to cut them open and let them bleed out and just die in there. i do it til they bruise, til they’re swollen and tender and sore.

then i slam my head into the wall as i press on the bruises. i don’t really know how long i’m in there for. but eden’s footsteps approach and she probably was gonna offer me a laxative or something but she knows that thump thump thump like she knows the back of her hand and she says sierra what’s going on in there baby.

i’m not good i confess. let me come in she says quietly. so i unlock the door and she comes in. leans my head against her chest and cradles it, takes me full onto her lap. did something happen today? she asks me. no, i croak. she’s massaging my scalp gently, it feels nice. i sniffle and hiccup as my sobbing ebbs away and it sounds so raw and so ugly. just one of those days? she asks. i say yeah, she says that’s ok. and i say i’m sorry and she says shhhhhh and she goes on massaging.

and i still don’t say anything about it

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