#im trying to see if ppl are generally afraid of death and id love to get some perspectives in tags or on the post!

[willgrahamscock]

also if you've had a near death experience, feel free to add to this post about how that changed or reaffirmed your relationship with death!

[myapogee]

I saw Lego Batman yesterday and really loved it but also parts of it kinda got me melancholic so here’s me saying dumb things about myself as well as some movie spoilers so dont read more if you havent seen it yet and care

they did a good job with the character development / theme of batman being afraid of starting a new family bc he’s scared of losing them. and that hit me fairly hard. him eating alone, watching tv alone, working alone etc. i could relate.

and it just made me face my ever present version of his fear. batman’s afraid he’ll lose important ppl by them dying. which makes sense even more with him as batman than as a child bc his allies become a target, they go into battles where they arent guaranteed to come out alive. needless to say, the ppl around me aren’t anywhere near as likely to die out of the blue. but even if they were. thats not what im afraid of.

when someone dies it is generally not their fault. they dont mean to hurt you, it wasnt their choice or your choice and theres usually nothing you could have done to change it. but ppl can leave your life in other ways than dying. constantly, people choose to leave others behind. they mean to hurt you, someone is to blame, and there are things that could have been done to change it. when someone dies, yeah, it’s sad. but death is a necessary part of the universe, it has to happen to everyone and for myself its not exactly as if i’m all that opposed to dying anyways. point is, losing someone in any way is sad. but losing them when youve hurt each other. losing them even though theyre still alive and well somewhere you could just drive to. you could walk right up to them and see how happy they are without you, happier without you. 

i have my family downstairs. my parents and my sister. and i see them a few times a week, esp on weekends since i have nothing at all to do. and the way our family is, its unthinkable any member(s) could really abandon any other(s). even if i did come out of the closet to my parents, they wouldnt kick me out im sure. im sure theyd say theyre fine and encourage me or whatever. but id still know. id know they dont mean. id know i disappointed both of them. i know bc my dad has specifically told my sister and i “of course we’d be fine if either of you were gay... we’d just prefer it if you were straight, haha”. i know bc my mom has specifically shed be uncomfortable at a gay wedding, and when my sister and i tried to call her out on it, saying “that line of thought is just like ppl who used to be ‘uncomfortable’ with a white person and a black person getting married” and she scoffed and said it “wasn’t the same thing” and i insisted it was. you dont just forget that and move on. you dont just bring it up and have them say theyve changed or that they didnt mean it or anything like that bc how, how can you believe them? how can you trust them after that??? how could i be myself around them when in college my mom went through a list of the girls i knew trying to figure out if i was interested in any of them. who told me she wasnt worried about the possibility of me being gay bc she knew i had crushes on girls in elementary/middle school.  and you know what my sister’s pretty great. but now i have to be fucking wary of her bc she looked through my blog (before my name change, HENCE MY NAME CHANGE) without my permission but more specifically WHEN I TOLD HER NOT TO FOLLOW IT and then found on my art blog a self portrait of myself in more feminine clothing (hardly, even? a floral shirt. like. they make that for men! i saw them while working at sears! i would love to wear why more feminine shit than that, but man even just this one thing-) and asked if i was gender fluid. and you know what? i denied it bc maybe i am a little though id like to support the notion that clothing shouldnt be so gender biased BUT IF I WANT TO TELL YOU I AM GENDER FLUID or nonbinary or ANYTHIGN like that, i will TELL YOU IN PERSON. you are NOT to find out by SKULKING my BLOG.

i have a friend who lives p close and a friend who lives way far and i appreciate them so much i really do (though distance is always really tough for me). but im not... great... at being a friend. bc i grew up so ingrained with the knowledge that all friends always leave. and when that happens its going to hurt. and the number of days spent hurting after they leave will be much more the number of days spent smiling while they were there. mathematically, its no contest. friends arent worth having. and family? im scared. i cant be... who i am... with them here. and i cant leave them either. id have no one. bc theyre the only ones who cant leave me just like i cant leave them. we wont. and at the point where i am now its too late anyways. its not like i can suddenly learn to trust someone. to love someone or support them. im selfish and scared and i stayed holed up and im not going to just... change. i wont. ive known that. for a long time. 

anyways zach galifinakskys has a shitty normie voice and shouldnt have voiced the joker. like if hes going to voice the joker he can at least TRY to sound more eccentric, it is way too bizarre hearing that bland voice coming from that particular villain