#im trying to find the beauty in it while I level my druid

[tetrabytez]

⌐ Wᴀʀʟᴏʀᴅꜱ ᴏғ Dʀᴀᴇɴᴏʀ ¬

𝕊𝕡𝕚𝕣𝕖𝕤 𝕠𝕗 𝔸𝕣𝕒𝕜

[michiigii-writes]

Of Shadows and Tyr (1/??)

Summary:  So, after 20 years of searching, I have stumbled upon a DnD group that is willing to deal with my absurd work schedule, and let me play with them!  I have no idea what I’m doing, and I cannot fanart my way out of a wet paper bag, so I appear to have subconsciously decided to write a novel.

Craven and the other Tiefling have written more succinct and appropriately lengthed (that’s a word) summaries.

I have created a neutral 21-year-old Tiefling druid, named Strive.  She has cinnamon skin, short garnet hair, black eyes, a whip-like tail, and horns that curve out and then slightly down and back (Bharal sheep horns).  We have started our journey at level 2.

This is my version of a “the story, so far.”  It is already too long.  8)  I have no idea how many installments there will be; I already had to separate into a second part of our first session because I wrote too much.  I also have an origins chapter for Strive because IM’ SORRY OKAY.

In the beginning:  There was a city (part 1/2)

Master said it was time to see the world.

I didn't want to, of course. I was comfortable enough to live with the Lizardfolk tribe, secreted away in a little hut by the edge of the forest, serving as their healer when Master finally passed on. Why would I need to go out into the world? Our swamp had everything I needed, and that was enough.

But as usual, Master wanted more for me.

As per Master's orders, lightly veiled as 'advice,' of course, the safest way for me to see the world would be with a group. And apparently, the easiest way to find a group of adventurers was in the city.

He failed to mention how busy and loud and DUSTY the city of Kendrith was.  I don’t like sand.  It’s rough, irritating, and it gets everywhere.

There were too many people. Too many humans. It was a warm, sunny day, but I had to keep my cloak closed and my hood up to hide my tail and horns.  Even in the depths of my big cloak, I felt exposed.

And the dust! There was so little natural life in Kendrith; barely any grass or trees.  It had been less than a fortnight, and already I missed the lush reeds and soft, insect-ridden mud near Master's hut. The city was dry and lacking, like stale bread.

I was trying to find quieter streets when I somehow managed to almost step on a small figure, tripping them into the road.  Naturally, I stopped to help them up, but my apology died in my throat when I saw her horns and tail.

She was a Tiefling, too. A young Tiefling with beautiful blue eyes and a spade-tipped tail.

But...her skin...it was purple.

Unbidden, I recalled warmth, and softness, and a smile resting on a purple-skinned face-

And then the Tiefling bared her teeth at me and the memory evaporated.

"Are...are you okay?" I asked, reaching out to her with an empty hand. She hissed at me and scrabbled back. I froze, then raised my hands, palms out, in a sign of peace.

“My name’s Strive,” I said softly, and asked her if she wanted help, but she just hissed and cocked her head at me.  I wasn’t sure if she didn’t speak Common or if she just wanted me to leave.  She made me think of my tribe’s hatchlings:  feral to anybody aside from their family.

We were interrupted, then, by a human in armor.  He had some kind of insignia on the breastplate, but what worried me was that the Tiefling hissed at him, recognition crossing her face.

He was following her and she did not feel safe.

I stood between the human and the girl, tried to brush the him off, but he continued to press forward, offering us shelter, of all things. Why on earth would a human want to help two Tieflings?  People in general didn't trust our kind, but humans!  I felt anger rising to flush my face.  Humans were the whole reason...

If all Tieflings are not alike, the same must be said of all races, Master's voice echoed in my head, stopping my temper.

I wasn’t home, anymore.  I had to be smart, and I had to keep a cool head.

I eyed the human knight carefully.  He introduced himself as Valzan Corindal, and again, he said he wanted to help.  I've always been good at reading people, and for some reason, I couldn't detect any lie in him.  It was odd, but...somehow I believed him.

Almost like a natural 20 had been rolled on my insight.

It helped abate my suspicions when an elf woman wearing similar armor joined him, and he backed away.  I relaxed a little, although the Tiefling behind me still seemed wary.  I spoke a little with the woman.  She seemed kind.  Bitterly, I wondered if it was easy to be kind when your race was generally admired.

Nobody chooses their blood, Charity. Only their path, Master chided.

I did my best to shut down my concerns, and listened to the elf woman's spiel about their church.  Her name was Elyssia, and according to her, she and Valzan were hoping to develop a church worshipping Tyr in Kendrith.  I wasn’t particularly interested in converting.  Semuanya, Master’s deity, was enough for me, valuing my survival instead of my dark heritage. 

Thankfully, Elyssia wasn’t trying to change me, only offering me a place of rest, and then she retreated into a run-down old building nearby. That made me wonder: I'd been taught that churches were grand affairs with coloured windows, not dusty ruins. This 'church' didn't look anything like that; it looked significantly more forlorn than what I had imagined a church to be.

It was then that the Tiefling shook her head and looked even more upset.  I didn’t see any flies buzzing near her ears.  I couldn’t hear or sense anything, myself.  But I knew I was missing something, and that bothered me.

My answer came sooner than I expected:  a very tall gentleman decided it was time to join our group and with a booming voiced asked if he could be of some assistance.

I wanted to go home, personally.

The Tiefling girl spat an insult at the tall man, making him dizzy, somehow.  I suspected he had done something to upset her.

I, on the other hand, looked at the newcomer appraisingly.  He seemed otherworldy to me, somehow.  In a loud, boisterous voice, he announced that Craven was his name.  He was tall for human standards, but his hair stood up in a crest and his eyes glowed blue.

I had never seen anything like those eyes.

I also started to wonder if maybe the Lizardfolk and I were the strange ones and everyone else on earth had blue eyes.  I glanced at the human.  Nope, his were green.  Stranger and stranger...

I decided then that I was going to try to convince the Tiefling girl to come back with me to the swamp where we would never have to deal with anybody on Semuanya's green earth ever again.  That was the only logical thing to do.  There were too many things happening out in the world and I, personally, was done with it.  Master was clearly wrong; I did not need to see the rest of the world.

Instead, two men in black sauntered over, chains on their belts, and clearly looking for the Tiefling girl behind me.

The way she hissed and backed away from them, by comparison, she had been downright cozy with Valzan only a moment before.  Forget not trusting the Paladin of Tyr; these two men, who were soon joined by a third, were definitely an active danger.

To my pleasant surprise, I saw that Valzan and Craven were also of the same mind; together, we fought to take girl’s enemies down.

The four of us made short work of the three men. I entangled the one who was closest to us, using vines, while the girl behind me spat curses with some kind of magic.  The tall Craven cut down one slaver with his great sword, while the paladin finished off the other with a few swings of his axe.  The third enemy tried to run, but was quickly caught by Valzan, and the coward passed out as soon as he saw his fate was sealed.

Craven carried their hostage into the church, but Valzan stayed behind, hoping to talk us into following them, once again talking about safety.

I looked at how thin the Tiefling girl was, then instead of properly answering him, asked if the paladin had any food.  He pulled out some bread, offering it to her.  She shifted back, ever distrustful.  I didn’t blame her. 

Silently, I took the loaf, took a bite of it to show that it was fine, then offered it to the girl.  She hesitated, then snatched it from me, munching eagerly away at what I now knew was incredibly dry bread.  I mentioned so to the paladin, but with a small smile and shrug he explained that it was rations.  I nodded, chewing thoughtfully, noting that he didn’t snap defensively at me.  A comment like that would have earned a slap, with Master’s tribe. 

I was also impressed to see that the girl was almost done the loaf; quite a feat considering how dry it was.  Without thinking, I said out loud that she reminded me of a chipmunk. 

She did not appreciate it.  She pulled a face, and I regretted saying it.

Again, we were invited to the church.  I told the girl that it seemed like a good offer, and if she was anything like me, she didn’t have anywhere else to go.  I slowly followed the paladin to the church, and was pleased to see that the girl stayed right behind me.

Crossing the threshold, I paused, and it was with some degree of relief to find that I would not burst into flames.  The highest point of my day, so far.

In the main foyer of the church, we found that the elf woman, Elyssia, had prepared a wonderful spread for us.  The Tiefling girl made a beeline towards the fruits and sweets, but my eyes gravitated to the cheese!  There were great, big, yellow and red wheels of cheese, beside loaves of bread that were so fresh I could still see steam rising off of them.  And wine!  I loved wine.  I’d only had it once or twice, but I knew it was so much better than the brackish moonshine the Lizardfolk made. But first, to business.  Craven and Valzan hauled their unconscious slaver into the church’s basement, myself following silently behind.  Elyssia stayed with the girl upstairs, so I figured she would be safe. 

In the basement, a lone chair, small table, and candle awaited them, along with two large barrels of water.  My mouth twisted, hidden by the shadow of my cloak.  I could imagine what was coming.  I reminded myself that their victim was a slaver, and a cruel one, if the Tiefling girl’s scars were any indication. Valzan splashed water into their victim’s face, effectively reviving him.  Craven thought it would be a good idea to dump a whole barrel onto him; I rolled my eyes, hiding a smile at the unnecessary action.

It didn’t take much to make the man talk; almost immediately, he willingly shared everything he knew about his employers, even if it wasn’t much.  I frowned when he mentioned that he was just a hired hand, trying to make his way in the world.  He was a slaver.  A slaver.  How could he stomach such work?

But his insistence that he just wanted coin rang true.  He needed to work to eat, and jobs were scarce.  It just happened that what he had to do was vile.

I didn’t want to hear any more.  Without the others noticing, I turned away and slipped back upstairs.  I would much rather keep company with the cheese and wine.

--(part two)--

[moonguilt]

please give me more kl headcanons.😔

OKAY people this got WAY out of hand and i wrote 7 pages of an entire au plotline so uh. sorry everybody but it’s gonna be split into at least a couple different postswe’ll call this CHAPTER 1: (chapter 2 can be found HERE)I roleplay on MMORPGs so you’re gonna have to deal with my self indulgent online roleplaying AU. There will be klance but I have to SET THE STAGE first so bear with me. basically this is just multiplayer online video game roleplaying garbage. on that note, enjoy.

hunk and pidge were the first ones to discover the video game “Voltron.” they dicked around on it just to test out the game controls and perhaps get coding ideas for a game they are trying to create, but they ended up kinda enjoying it. the gameplay has its issues but is overall pretty fluid.

hunk plays a rogue. he has to turn the game volume down sometimes because of the gross gorey noises the game makes when he stabs people. he probably would have rerolled as a different class just to escape the gruesome sound effects, but he really likes being able to enter stealth. he says it makes him feel “safe”

pidge plays a mage. hunk is under the impression that it’s because she wants to play a class with high intelligence points, and pidge doesn’t correct him. but really she just likes the idea of turning her enemies into frogs

shiro is hanging out with matt one day and ends up watching pidge play. he wants to be Hip and Cool so he decides to create a trial account and see if he likes it. turns out, he’s TERRIBLE at the actual gameplay (his computer reflexes are Bad and he keeps dying to basic mechanics on literally every boss fight. matt downloads the game and creates a priest out of pity just to help keep shiro alive while he levels)

“this is demeaning for everyone involved”

“you’re the one who has died seven times now to haxus. literally all you have to do is not stand in the fire. you’re a FULLY ARMORED PALADIN TANK how are you dying so quic—wait a minute. shiro. shiro why are you still wearing your level 1 starting gear.”

however, he finds out that the server they’re playing on has a roleplaying community! he figures he doesnt need swift reflexes to roleplay, so he starts dipping his toe into RP and discovers he really likes it. he enjoys writing stories about his heroic character, and enjoys combining those stories with the stories of other people he meets in the game. it’s like collaborative fantasy fiction writing, and it quickly becomes a passion of his

pidge and matt tease him endlessly for it. hunk is an angel and is very supportive of shiro’s new hobby. he is the only one who will listen to shiro gush about his character. unfortunately when shiro designed the character, he did not have a good grasp on roleplay, so the character is goofy looking and has an overly dramatic backstory involving dragons and a lost royal bloodline. hunk kindly chooses not to comment on it, and instead helps him develop new ideas and plots for his character’s adventures

eventually shiro manages to convince hunk to give RP a try. hunk is very careful and does a lot of research on the Voltron universe lore. he reads all the fanmade wiki pages, roleplaying guides on the game forums, etc., until he feels confident he can create a good character. he does (and eventually goes on to be a popular community figure who hosts huge server events and is friends with literally everyone, but that is several months down the line), and he and shiro begin their roleplaying adventures together

hunk gets Really Into It. fast. like faster than shiro. and he takes it SERIOUSLY; he is a total lore nerd & WILL tell you (in a very gentle, caring tone) if your character’s story/actions do not comply with the game’s established lore

“your character’s outfit is so cool! btw tho, I noticed you mentioned your character was born in the castle of lions—just wanted to let you know, it was actually only rediscovered and unlocked about 10 years ago in the game’s timeline, so it wouldn’t really make work for your character to be born there, since they’re 27 D: but if you want I can help you come up with a different birthplace :)”

keith, lance, and allura had thus far managed to resist the voltron bug. they just aren’t into mmorpg stuff, they insist. single-player games, sure, but open-world multi-player? sounds weird

lance falls first. Hunk hits him with the puppy dog eyes and its all over for him

he creates the most ridiculously beautiful character he can

“i dont care about whether my guy is a freaking dps or not, hunk, i need him to have an ass like a kardashian. WHERE IS THE BUTT SLIDER HUNK. i have a NICE ASS and i want it IMMORTALIZED IN PIXEL FORM”

he does, in fact, end up picking dps. hunk shows him the archer class and he lights up like a christmas tree

“i know you always wanted to bone legolas, so”

“i wanted to BE legolas, not BONE him, HUNK”

“sure lance”

allura falls next. her and lance’s weekly “self-care spa sessions” turn into lance rambling about all the wacky stuff he and hunk and shiro got up to that week, and she eventually cracks under the pressure because she Hates when there’s a new fad and she doesn’t understand it

“and then this guy came up to us and started roleplaying with us in ALL LOWER CASE and shiro and i wanted to d i e but hunk was all ‘nooo he’s just a newbie in need of some pointers’ and then spent the next TWENTY FREAKING MINUTES giving this guy tips and tricks about grammar and punctuation–”

within 2 days she has gotten almost halfway through leveling her new druid healer because she is Determined damn it

coran, allura’s uncle, also begins playing shortly thereafter. allura never says why exactly, but it does seem to be a direct result of her influence somehow. he plays a gunslinger class because he’s “always wanted to be a ‘rooting & tooting cowboy,’ as you call it!”

for whatever reason, he is Very Good at the game, like freakishly skilled. everyone is kind of afraid to question it so they just accept it and move on

he and pidge are really the only ones who are focusing on the actual game content anymore, so they start doing high-level raids together and then begin to gain something of a reputation as a terrifying duo in player-versus-player combat.

keith is resilient. he is a notoriously stubborn boy and no amount of puppy dog eyes from hunk or persuasive lectures from shiro will convince him to step outside his comfort zone

but lance, well. lance knows exactly how to get keith to do what he wants

“i bet you just know my character’s way cooler than yours would be”

“?? no. i literally dont care about your character or anybody else's”

“huh. guess i will just always be better at video games than you”

“are you seriously still trying to hold your killbot phantasm score over my head. you got lucky”

“i am the peerless king of video games–”

“are you listening to yourself. do you actually hear the words coming from your mouth.”

“–undefeated because you are too much of a coward–”

“fuck OFF send me the fucking download link you loudmouth”

keith takes. forever. to design his character.

lance is leaning over the back of keith’s chair, giving outrageous suggestions (and blatant lies) that keith pointedly ignores

“keith. keith if you give him neon orange hair it boosts your speed, did you know that?”

“choosing big ears gives you greater perception stats keith”

“keith listen to me, you gain the ability to breathe underwater if you choose a broken nose—OW, what the hell–”

keith takes SO LONG that eventually lance has to leave for dance lessons and when he gets back keith is only JUST finishing up

turns out he took so long because he wanted to use every resource available in the game to make the character look like a carbon copy of himself. the end result would have been impressive if it wasn’t so eerily accurate

“you’re seriously naming him keith kogane.”

“it’s my name!”

“keith it’s a ROLEPLAYING game. you’re supposed to play a ROLE”

“and my role is keith kogane.”

“that doesnt even fit the naming conventions for the humans in this game! hunk would be having a FIT right now if he was here”

“good thing he’s not”

keith selects the warrior class because, as lance repeatedly and petulantly insists, he is a “boring basic bitch fuckboy”

“im the fuckboy?? thats rich coming from a guy who plays an archer because he has a big fat crush on orlando bloom in a blond wig”

“HUNK is spreading LIES okay I do NOT have a cru–”

“i dont know what you see in him. he’s literally just a white lotor”

“you TAKE THAT BACK”

to be continued :)

[repgintdeweak1975-blog]

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[bookworm-2692]

8, 14, 17 for the dnd asks!

thank you!!!!

8: what does your dream dice set look like?

hmmm i’m not sure…. definitely blue. probably that etheral yeti one miho sent yesterday that i fell in love with haha they’re so pretty!!!!!

14: what inspired you to make your character?

i guess i’ll go through each of them.

norixius kava, dragonborn paladin (out of the abyss). this was my first one and i had no idea how dnd worked haha at all. in the car on the way to my cousins place, i was driving, and my dad and brother were reading through the books and talking about the races and classes and stuff and explaining to me bc obvi i couldnt read them bc i was driving haha. anyway we got to my cousins place and each of them paired up w the three of us to help make our first characters and we rolled for stats and they asked if i had anything i wanted to play and i was like “idk dragonborn sounds really cool” and they were like thats as good a reason as any, and then they suggested paladin would work well w my stats so i was like sure why not and did it haha. she survived the campaign, to level 11

matilda, human monk (curse of strahd). this was point buy system. i had mentioned seeing a homebrew avatar thing, so one of my cousins mentioned how way of the four elements monk is like the avatar, so i read through it and thought it sounded cool. i took the mobile feat, and went way of open hand instead. in this campaign we had a fight where four characters died outright (three deaths due to natural 1s in the death saves) and only two survived, including matilda. the dm mentioned taking the dead people to another room to discuss what to do and i was like “nah brian and i will just move since we’re the only alive one and theres more of you”. they ended up becoming revernants (idk spelling) but i suggested adding a caveat in place where every time you died as a revernant, you lost 1hp from your max, which we did. we then abandoned this campaign after 4 levels bc my uncle who was dm-ing was having trouble finding the time to read the campaign

jamnugget, gnome fighter (arcane archer) (storm kings thunder). this was rolling stats. one cousin rolled between 13 and 18 for every stat, and after race ability improvements got all 14-18…. so he multiclassed all of them and got to level 12 as one of each class it was a beautiful amalgamation (omg i spelt that correctly first try haha). then someone else rolled three single digit stats but was told he wasnt allowed to reroll so he became a druid for wildshape. he had -2 con, so only adding 3hp per level, starting at 6hp. 3rd level before he got double digits. if you averaged the rolls of these two you got normal stats haha. anyway onto my character. my cousin suggested the arcane archer thing on unearthed arcana so i was like “sure ok”. turns out you only got two magic arrows per rest thing and they werent very good so i hardly used them. the sharpshooter feat was way better. the best part tho was bc we were fighting so many giants, at one point someone cast fly on me, someone else cast greater invisibility on me, someone else gave me bless, so then i went in a chased a giant just shooting him on my own while everyone else was doing something else it was great. i also accidentally succeeded on an intimidation check bc an npc was saying “im sure we could handle a giant” when we asked about that and i was like “ive killed 15 myself” (bc we were keeping tallies on our sheets) and the guy panicked bc was technically in an alliance w them whoops. jamnugget survived the campaign. six of the seven original characters survived to the end, my brother went through four characters

maegrakka, half elf barbarian. we were told to make characters for a quick one shot dungeon thing for when storm kings thunder dm wasnt able to make it. so i made a barbarian bc i decided that was something i hadnt done yet and would be easy to just make (no spells. i have a strong aversion to spell casters). i think shes level 3 now???? every time we play this everyones like “wait whats my character again” bc its so long in between haha

nissa, human rogue 1 monk 2. one shot a friend wanted to dm before he moved to canberra. it was very fun. i made a monk bc i was desperate to play again bc matilda had been abandoned. i added a rogue level for sneak attack damage, w mobile feat, it was great

clover, human fighter 11 or 12, monk 3 or 4. level 15 fight to the death situation. i knew how powerful the arcane archer stuff was so i did it here. monk levels were to give me back up in case i got engaged in melee. i shouldve had some sort of healing that was my downfall. my first character to die bc three of them were ganging up on me!!

meredith, elf wizard (tomb of annihilation). we started off playing as commoners, as servants to this lord guy. so i was a librarian and realised id have to be a wizard dammit. i hated the spell casting part haha. she died. its funny bc my dads character died at first level, then we levelled up. brians character died at second level, then we levelled up. they were also sitting next to each other. i was sitting in the next seat along so was worried i was also gonna die… then my brother took that seat and died instead. so i was like there is definitely a curse. i was in the next seat along, and then one of my cousins. then came a fight where my cousin next to me turned to stone and then i died. turns out he could come back to life so the death seat thing continued. we levelled up to level 4 after my brother and i died in separate sessions in the same location. also my dad and brian died in the same location in separate session. so now theres multiple patterns - theres the “someone needs to die to level up” thing, and the death seat thing, and the two characters dying in the same location in separate sessions thing. w my cousin who got turned to stone, i keep on insisting he stays in the death seat bc either he dies (death seat) or he doesnt (he tricked death w the stone thing so is now immune), and if he doesnt die either it skips him and my uncle dies, or no one else dies ever. its very exciting haha. also w this campaign theres a map thing only the og characters can see and we’re joking how now only three characters left can see it and you can see how my cousin the dm is getting worried that we’ll all die haha. also the campaign is about how the og characters lord got sick and we need to find a cure, but once the og characters die then who cares about the random lord? itll be very funny haha

elenoa, tabaxi monk (tomb of annihilation). since i started at level 4 here, and matildas campaign got abandoned at level 4, it felt fitting to play a monk again. no mobile feat yet, but im playing the sun soul monk from xanathars which gives a radiant punch w a range of 30 ft so i dont need to get close to punch and then use mobile to run away. 

i havent even talked about where the names for each one came from….. maybe another time if asked……..

17: what is your favourite race?

idk actually. the only races ive ever played multiple times are humans, but altogether ive played longer as a dragonborn or gnome than human so like. theres not super much difference in the races in phb, like its just flavour. the new races and stuff have heaps extra stuff, but tabaxi is the only one of them ive ever played and only two sessions so far. i think humans are cool bc you get a feat at level 1 haha but other than that theres not really much difference in them yknow? races w darkvision make things easier too haha but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

thank you for these asks!!! it took so long to respond haha im gonna be late to uni now (bc still in pjs havent made lunch or brushed teeth or anything and if i wanna be on time i gotta leave in the next 15 minutes so maybe ill just…… skip this lecture lol idk haha

[yeahwesaidthat]

TWWS: Info Dump

Yes, I know, it’s been ages, hence the quote dump. Also, some new stuff/updates:

I was flipping through my old D&D stuff and it turns out one of my favourite quotes is incorrect (I’d suspected as much for some time). So that’s been fixed in this one.

The next update is going to be a “best of D&D.” I want to try and set up a voting system so people can vote for their favourites and then narrow them all down to The Ultimate Quote. 

Certain quotes have links on them for reference. Hopefully they show up well enough.

Some lines in quotes are reactions/facial expressions. Fun with emoticons!

TWWS now has awards! See below:

TWWS MVP AWARD:

This entry’s MVP award goes to MR for his constant D&D witticisms! Congratulations, M!

Each entry will feature a new MVP. The choosing is based on quote quality and/or frequency. In M’s case, it’s both. People can be MVPs more than once, but not two entries in a row.

Anyway, on with the show!

Overheard at Random

Book recommendation: KCB: "Mafia elves." KH: "...SOLD!"

Deciding what to get for dinner: SB: "Why would you want a whole pizza?" KH: "Why wouldn’t I want a whole pizza?" E: "I have to agree with her logic."

About a few rounds of Magic: SB: "I won!" E: "Revisionist history - you lost the first game." KC and KH: "Alternative facts."

A Slack conversation about the time of day: A: "You started drinking already?" S: "Who says I stopped?"

About pork rolls: SW: "That stuff that makes [state] bearable to live in."

Ordering lunch: American AP: "If you double-down on pork, no one will judge you." KH: "Says the Jewish man." American AP: "Think of it as eating my portion."

Overheard at Work

KH: "Where is your Christmas cheer?" S: "Right next to my menorah."

Cash Register Gift Bag Listing: "Xmas Menorah"

About covering injuries: L: "Do you want a finger condom?" KH: (doubles over laughing) L: "This is a serious fucking question, KH, do you want one or not?"

Leaving work: S: "I parked in Fucking Yonderville." Coworker: "How's the real estate there? Is it a good school district?" S: "No."

Unearthed Arcana: Overheard During 4e D&D

QUOTE CORRECTION: Making sure it's really dead: SB: "You kick the head and it goes sailing through the open door of the tomb. You hear a voice in the darkness go ’Gooooooooal!’”

Player: "There's no 'I' in 'team' but there's a 'we' in 'weapon.'"

Location, location, location: Player: "We're not in Shadowfell, we're in 'rainbow-and-happy-things-fell.' We're in Candyland."

Tavern woes: (Player or DM?): "When I say 'microbrew' I mean I charge you double and give you less beer."

Pluralisation issues: Probably KH: "Wouldn't it be orifi [instead of orifices]?"

Going overboard with the somatic component: (Player or DM?): "The Arcane Macarena."

Almost certainly about a holy sword: (Player or DM?): "She's swinging around a flashlight for Jesus."

No idea what it's from, but I think I'll use it as a slogan: Player: "I am the terror that quacks in the night."

Fourth Ed Goodberry equivalent...I hope: (Player or DM?): "You're up, you're alive, somebody shoved nuts in your mouth..."

Probably dealing with a were-rat: Almost certainly RJ: "Regener-rat!"

So I had this drake mount named Pork Chop...: Probably SB: "That's Pork Chop class damage." Almost certainly RJ: "Pork 'im!"

Overheard During D&D

ST: "Is the door with the spiders behind it unlocked?" KH: "Don’t."

After a familiar was poofed: AD: "I miss [familiar]." CD: "It's been two minutes." AD: "Whatever. I can miss who I want."

Beautiful references (read in Rorschach's voice): AA: "I'm not grappled with you," ST, AA, and KH: "You’re grappled with me!"

About remaining spells: KH: "I have three 1st-level slots and one 2nd-level slot." CD: "Those are 'keeping people alive' slots."

We went a little overboard on this guy: CD: "Are there any potions on Mr. Headless and Heartless?" AD: "That sounds like an emo band."

To the resident carnivorous warrior: ST: "I'm telling you, that heart is full of black evil. Don't eat it."

About being stranded: CD: "She left us on an island like Johnny Depp in the first Pirates movie." ST: "And we didn't have turtles or rum."

High-rollers: CD: "Twenty-four. Critty-four."

Trying to get up a ladderless shaft (can you dig it?): JB: "We could throw her up." ST: "We'd have to swallow her first."

Desperate tactics: KH: "Can a t-rex punch through a wall?"

About a couatl: AD: "I will draw it like one of my French girls."

About a guard boss encounter: CD: "So undead Mr. Cyclops was sitting here twiddling his undead thumbs?"

About doors marked with runes: AD: "'Cause if they say 'do not open'..." KH: "Then we're totally gonna open them." AD: "Well, you guys are going to open them..."

NPC interrogation: CD (IC): "So you are a powerful druid." JI (IC): "I am a moderately powerful druid."

About the location of a magic tattoo: AD: "Are you like a Care Bear but out of your butt?"

About canopic jars in the cyclops mummy's sanctum: ST: "Here's another jar of mummified nope."

About a loudly roaring creature: JI: "And he asks you to roll initiative as politely as he can."

About our situation: MR: "We made a very poor combat choice." RD: "What do you mean 'we'?" MR: "I made a bad combat choice." KC: "What is this 'we,' Pocahontas?"

The pervy paladin strikes again: SW (IC): "What took you so long?" A (IC): "I had something to take care of." (winks) SW (IC): "You know what? I'm sorry I asked."

Better without context: MGW: "When you're that big, you can explode as much as you want."

Adventures with the Polymorph spell: AS: "What's the AC [armor class] of a puppy?"

Horrific and chaotic evil regarding aforementioned puppy (which, to be fair, was originally a fire giant): AS (IC): "Don't worry, we can find a bag of holding and a river." MR (IC): "...There is a line, [character]." (gestures one way) "There is the line," (gestures way past it) "there is you."

Be careful who's listening: KH: "She's the pervy character; she scares everybody." (notices preteen with shocked expression) "You didn't hear any of that."

About the pervy paladin having a "moral" conversation: KH: "She's 'good cop'ping him instead of copping a feel?" SW: "She's good copping him instead of getting a good cop. There you go."

Continued fun with Polymorph: MR: "It's like discus, but with a puppy. Please don't put that on That's What We Said." KH: "Too late."

Storm King's Thunder: A Summary: MR: "This is Game of Thrones on a giant scale." Entire Table: (grooooooan)

Dealing with extra-limbed gorillas: ST: "Uh-oh! They must have been forewarned!" AD: "What makes you say that?" ST: "Forewarned is four-armed." AD: -_-

Negotiation skills: AD: "It's just me trying to bullshit him." JI: "Why don't you make a bullshit check?"

Difficult terrain: JI: "You get disadvantage from monkeys throwing poo at you."

Improvised weaponry: AD: "Ten whacking damage."

Trying to figure out if the staff is necromantic: CD: "We could kill a mouse in front of the staff. We could kill a mouse with the staff. How much is it to buy a mouse?"

When ideas are crazier than normal (which is already pretty crazy): AD: "What is wrong with you? I'm not even sure I mean [your character]."

SW: "Ok, I have a list of 'don't ask any questions.'"

Planning for the next campaign: MR: "Should I play a guy who puts the 'romance' back in 'necromancy'..."

About handing over a weapon: JB (IC): "I don't give my bone to anyone."

JB: "Anyone die while I was gone?" SW: "Not on the outside."

Tactical thinking: MR: "We may need to light his mansion on fire to cover our tracks."

Wizarding limits: JS: "You may not polymorph your zombies into t-rexes."

KH: "And the moral of the story is don't screw with powers you don't understand." BC: "Shh. Don't ever tell that to a wizard."

J: "Crown of Madness will help, right?" BC: "I don't think that's needed with this group."

JS: "You find several humanoids with missing brains." JS2: (nervous noise) BC: "Don't worry; they're not a threat to you."

Cannon fodder: KH: "You outfitted your zombies with red shirts, right?" BC: "They were born with red shirts."

BC: "Everything is a toy if you try hard enough." KH: "...I heard that wrong." BC: "No, you got it."

About the distance of a planar pilgrimage: CD: "That would be like walking to Europe." J: "If Europe was also on Mars."

Subtle Star Wars mid-inanity: KH: "I don't wanna fly; I wanna stealth." J: "Stealth fly." JS: "You can't stealth fly!" KH: "How do you stealth fly?" JI: "Fly casual."

Zombies aren't too smart: BC (IC): "Bobs, attack the closest gnoll!" Bobs: (run at gnoll party member) KH (OOC): "Et tu, Bob?" JS (OOC): "If this doesn't belong in your blog, I dunno what does."

Far too relatable: JS: "Twenty psychic damage." BC: "I've taken more psychic damage from my mother."

Asking planar creatures for advice: BC (IC): "Is the [creature] going to kill all of us if we investigate it?" JI (OOC): "He's the GM - of course it's going to say yes."

When the tiefling (part-demon) hears Celestial: KH (IC): "Does anyone speak the twinkly bell language?"

Worst-laid plans: KH (IC): "I have a very bad feeling about this." MR (IC): "You should."

Acronym fun with a magic item: JB: "AT&T: Advanced Telecommunications and Teleporting."

Obligatory quote/joke/meme for the elf ranger: KH: "Legolas, what do your elf eyes see?" JB: "I see people shipping me with Gimli."

Questionable on-deck combat tactics: MR: "Are you gonna keel-haul him manually?"

The proper response to the enemy when landing in said enemy's ambush: MR (IC): "You'll die for our insolence!"

Alignment debate: MR: "He wasn't evil; he was just a dick."

Verbally dueling with a sea god: MR: "I basically just told Cthulu to shut up and go home."

When one fails to specify: AS: "She's got a really low [armor class] 'cause she's fat and slow." A: o.O? AS: "No, not you."

Our go-to combat tactic: MR: "Are we going to stupid the guy to death?"

Zing!: MGW (IC): "If you join me, I can make you the greatest dwarf who ever lived." L (IC): "I am the greatest dwarf who ever lived." Whole Table (OOC): "Ooooohhhhh!!!"

Another verbal duel with a sea god/character class limitations: KH: "I would say 'what is a god to a nonbeliever,' but I'm a cleric."

In a room of tempting levers and switches and shit: JI (IC): "Don't touch nothing." BC (IC): "Don't get between me and my touching."

Activating the mysterious device: BC (IC): "We did it! I wonder what we did?"

Creative swearing: JS (IC): "By Baphomet's giant bull cock!"

Alternative to "cheese" during a picture take: JS: "Everyone say 'Jesus Christ, thank God I'm alive!'" We all said it with big picture smiles.

Ultimate cringe: KH: "My mom doesn't have a nerd bone in her body." MR: "She met your dad..."

Business as usual: KH: "This seems like a bad idea, but go ahead."

Bone club + bags of loot = asking for trouble: JB: "I hang the sacks off my bone."

The loot bags again: JB: "I thought I saw it fly out of my sack." MR: "You should have a healer look at that."

Overheard During A Crazy-Ass Night of D&D

Obligatory bone club jokes start now: SW (IC): "Cover your eyes! He's whipping out his sword!" JB (IC): "It's nothing compared to my bone!"

Again with the damn club: RD: "Do you want to bone it, my friend?" JB: "I want to bone it."

JB: "The bone jokes aren't as humerus anymore." KH: (cringes, reaches for notebook)

Old adages: MR: "No plan survives contact with the enemy." (IC) "But then, no enemy has survived contact with us!" (OOC) "Was that quote-worthy?" KH: "Yes."

About DR's long-ago description of the Spirit Guardians spell: MR: "Don't use your holy fuck-off field just yet." KH: "...Did you steal that from the blog?"

Ready check: MR: "Ready? ...Ready?" KH: (Mel Brooks movie quote voice) "WAIT FOR IT!"

KC: "She can ride me. I don't care." KH: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) KC: "...I'M A BEAR IN ARMOR."

SW: "Aim for the throat!" JB: "Don't tempt me."

The previous quote foretold this: JB: "He's gonna feel my bone down his throat."

About height differences: KH: "Are you gonna bone him in the groin?"

About collecting giant heads for bounties: SW: "They pay the bills." AS: "Kills to pay the bills."

Misusing a letter-changing magic item: SW: "Can you use the Book of Wit to make him cast Mild Magic?"

Advantageous druidic inanity: KC: "Are you still riding the flying bear?" MR: "It's flying now?" KC: "Yeah, he flew up to unlock the door." AS: "...So he's a flying bear with armor..."

About aforementioned druid: AS: "Here, I'll ride you now."

That damned club yet again: AS: "He can smash the Vonindod!" SW: "More like the Bone-indod."

I give up: JB: "...And I wanna bone the hell out of it."

About a high strength score: KC: "Is your athletics 'yes'?" JB: "My athletics is 'yes'!"

Spell modifications for humourous purposes: MR: "Using a Dex[terity] save for Zone of Truth means they're literally dodging the question."

Tactics 101: Use Your Surroundings: SW: "Why properly kill giants when we can have their own castle do it?"

Magical battle broadcast: SW: "Should we set up the planar TVs, guys?"

About the god of storms approving the storm cleric's actions: JB: "He's like, 'yes, I approve. Thunderous applause!'"

About the war cleric and flying bear: JB: "If they're riding each other in the air, are they part of the mile high club?"

As is per usual: MR: "We may have once again survived this by the skin of bullshit."

The only proper reaction when large objects swing: in this case, a gargantuan golem head: KH: "I came in like a Voooooonindooooooood!"

About 5e drow society: MR: "It's now more of an egalitarian dickbaggery."

When web-casting spiders give gifts: KC: "See? I even gift-wrapped him for you."