#im trying to draw but these keep interrupting my brain and i dont draw its fucked up like its actually interrupting my doing-whatever tactic

[homuracar]

being in any fandom at all makes me anxious so its expected but its a little difficult trying to deal w that and also trying to draw anything i want lol i just wish i was smarter about interacting with people 😓 nothing happens but u know if i was smarter i'd avoid anyone that is confusing

[catmask]

do you ever find it hard to just....Keep Drawing? what keeps you motivated? what keeps you inspired? i've been finding it hard to pick up a pen lately despite loving drawing and wanting to do it more than anything, how do you do it? also, i hope you have a nice day!!

oh i absolutely do. i think like.. last night i was having a bit of a rough one. and talking to my boyfriend about it.

sometimes motivation for anything (not just art) feels like if i stop moving, ill fall flat on my face. its difficult for me to get going, especially if i get interrupted or get suddenly thrown into a social situation.

on one hand, drawing has always been my stim/self soothing activity of choice (as im autistic). but 'work drawing' can sometimes be difficult when im scared i might be interrupted in the middle of the day, or if someone might need me to like 'be a person' suddenly.

all this to say, i try my best to stay motivated by taking care of my body and my brain, because if those things go out of whack then i know for sure i wont be able to draw well. and then, in terms of artistic motivation... i look at other people's art, and i go on walks a lot.. and i spend a lot of time alone with my brain/feelings.

art sort of is just like... an engine through which i am taking the outside world, processing it and pulling it through to show everyone how i feel about it. sometimes its as simple as 'this thing was beautiful, i want to show you' 'this thing was cute, i want to show you' but sometimes its also 'this is something i learned, let me teach you' 'this is something that hurt me, let me heal it with you'

... in a lot of ways if i dont keep drawing, i dont know how id communicate with other people, really. so i guess, i have to keep drawing because id get very lonely otherwise.

[20rubixcubes]

enhypen as baristas

maknae line x gn!reader (comedy, fluff, mild angst)

~1.2k words ea (headcanons)

warnings: cursing

a/n: i just wrote this for funsies, please be mindful that there is heavy swearing in these headcanons (particularly in ni-ki’s part), so if that isn’t your taste, perhaps skip this one! other than that, the rest of this is pretty chill, so i hope you enjoy my shitposting. oh, and lmk if you like this enough to want part two with the hyung line 👀 just maybe i’ll do it

sunoo

was only recently employed as an afternoon shift employee and was both shocked and distressed after discovering the cafe didnt have an instagram

“what do you MEAN you dont have instagram??? how do we post selfies???” “sunoo we sell coffee” “NO ONE WANTS COFFEE JUNGWON THEY WANT CUTE BARISTAS”

starts an instagram for the cafe and takes aesthetic pictures of his latte art

his selfies get way more likes though

speaking of his latte art, he masters the skill like a week in and everyone else is incredibly jealous

their jealousy wears off when jungwon tells him that he has to start training the new apprentices

pretends he forgot how to do it for like a week but it hurts his pride so he begrudgingly agrees to train the apprentices instead

in his free time he can be found snapping pictures around the shop, eventually expanding to taking pictures of the others too

“sunghoon stop moving you look cute and i need to take a photo” “sunoo im holding hot milk” “does it look like i care beauty is pain sweetie”

other than that, he sometimes sits in the booths to snack on muffins and do his homework since he only comes in to the shop for about an hour during his school lunch break and on the weekends

you meet sunoo after applying for an apprenticeship, wanting to get a job before you finish high school and start college

seen as though jungwon looks like the boss, you approach him, nervous for your first shift

“i’m here for the apprenticeship program?” “oh yeah! one second!”

he trots off to the back room, leaving you standing awkwardly in the middle of the cafe

“SUNOO GET OFF JAY YOU HAVE AN APPRENTICE TO TRAIN” “*gasp* YOU MADE ME SMUDGE HIS LIPSTICK I'M QUITTING” “NO YOURE NOT GET OUT THERE RIGHT NOW”

the yelling pauses before who you presume is sunoo stomps through the back room door, a scowl on his face

he spots you, groaning loudly “are you the apprentice?”

“yes” you say meekly, guilty for seeming to ruin his shift

he gestures you to follow him behind the counter, pulling an apron out from under the sink and shoving it to your chest

its clear that hes pissed, yanking his tools out from the cupboards as you tie your apron behind your back quietly

“have you made coffee before?” “only instant coffee” “oh fantastic”

he seems to be getting more irritated by the minute before he takes a deep breath and starts directing you around the machines

“to do the art, you angle the mug like this and draw with the milk, but it wont show until it reaches the top so dont go crazy”

as if its nothing, he demonstrates by drawing a perfect swan in the milk, setting the latte down and dusting his hands off

“wow… thats amazing” “i know right? no one here appreciates me enough” “they should! this is the best i’ve ever seen”

he grins at your compliment, nodding with satisfaction and sending a wave of relief over you as you notice he looks less angry with you now

“um… im sorry if i interrupted whatever you were doing before” “oh, that? i was just doing jay’s makeup” “you like makeup? me too! i’ve never seen a boy interested in it though, thats really cool” you smile genuinely at him as he blinks in surprise

“really? you think its cool?” “definitely!”

you watch the gears turn in his head before he smiles widely, seeming to have come to some kind of revelation as he nods

“i like you.”

your cheeks heat up immediately, but before you can say anything in return, he starts calling out for jungwon, leaning over the counter

“JUNGWOOON, CAN WE HAVE THIS ONE?”

“well thats up to them” he looks up from the table hes wiping down, adjusting his apron as he walks over to the counter

“so youre all finished with the course? i hope sunoo wasnt too much for you”

“i wasnt! anyways, youre employed, okay?” “sunoo stop theyre just an apprentice”

he groans loudly, irritated once more as he whips his head to you

“you have to work here, ok? i said so, so come back and apply or i’ll be mad!”

you laugh at his antics and smile “i’ll see what i can do”

after jungwon pries sunoo off of your arm, you return your apron and leave the shop with a wave

“YOU BETTER COME BACK!” is the last thing you hear as you step out onto the street, the bell ringing to signal your exit

a week later, you return to the shop, slightly anxious that your new friend(?) might have forgotten about you

but this is quickly washed away when you hear a high pitched squeal from the counter

“JUNGWON! HURRY THE FUCK UP AND GET THE FORMS THEYRE HERE”

you laugh as you approach the counter, a teasing tone on your voice

“are you supposed to be talking to your boss like that?” “whats he gonna do? fire me? im the only one who can make coffee in this place” “true”

soon enough, jungwon comes out of his hiding place, his hands clasped together

“im really sorry to ask this but please, you have to work here, sunoo hasnt shut up about you all week and i dont know if i can stand him anymore, i’ll even pay you extra please dear god”

you give sunoo a look, only receiving an innocent smile and puppy eyes back

“sure, i’ll take the job!”

jungwon sighs in relief as sunoo begins jumping up and down, yelling something about having his own little baby to take care around the shop as you groan, covering your blushing face

once you have your hours established (sunoo made you take the same as all of his, but you did the nights instead of the afternoons on the weekends, to his displeasure), you get straight to working

… well, sort of

it was hard to get work done with sunoo pestering you around the clock

“you think im cute right?” “yes sunoo” “even though i have bags under my eyes? “yes sunoo” “you promise?” “yes sunoo” “good”

admittedly he is slightly of help when it comes to the more fiddly parts of making coffee, but every other second of the day he seems to be flirting nonstop

“can i kiss you?” “no” “why not” “sunoo we’ve been over this” “BEING AT WORK ISNT A VALID EXCUSE”

worn down after his incessant yelling all day, you find yourself snapping faster than usual

“we’re not even dating, sunoo! why would i kiss you!? just stop playing with my feelings already!”

for the first time since you’ve known him, sunoo goes quiet

“why not?”

“what are you talking about now sunoo?” “why arent we dating”

now its your turn to go quiet

“do you not like me?” “what? no, sunoo-” before you can reason with him, you watch him quickly rush away from you around the counter, slamming the break room door behind him with tears in his eyes

cursing to yourself, you ensure there are no customers to serve before quickly darting after him

after looking around a bit, you hear sniffling from the supply closet and knock on the door quietly

“sunoo?” “leave me alone!”

you sigh, taking a step back and turning on your heel to face the opposite direction, running a hand through your hair as you think

you spot a dog bed at your feet, suddenly remembering that jake usually keeps his dog supplies covered in dog hair in the closet

“sunoo arent you allergic to dogs?”

“... *sniffle* y-yeah”

after you persuade him to come out by mentioning that his face is going to get all puffy, he steps out, eyes glued to the floor as he looks away from you in shame

placing a hand on his shoulder, you speak to him softly

“sunoo, look at me”

he does, hesitantly, his eyes red and watery and, as you said, puffy and inflamed

despite this, you smile

“i do like you back”

his eyes start watering again, your heart skipping a beat in fear that you had said something wrong

“e-even if my face is all puffy and gross?” his voice wobbles, the tears filling his eyes giving him a sense of vulnerability as you sigh

“yes, even if your face is all puffy and gross”

he smiles at that, shutting his eyes cutely as you press a kiss to his cheek

“and theres your kiss”

he whines “i was supposed to do that!”

“you can do it after we finish work, okay?” “WORK STILL ISNT A VALID EXCUSE…. but maybe today just because i need to ice my face” “yeah you really should, can you even see?” “no not at all” “great”

jungwon

the previous manager left suddenly and jungwon was given a semi-forced promotion as he was the only employee with at least half of a brain cell

poor boy is stressed 24/7

doesnt get paid enough for this

“hey jungwon we ran out out of coffee bea-” “I ORDERED NEW ONES FOUR HOURS AGO NOW SHUT UP IM TRYING TO MAKE SURE THE BOSS DOESNT FIND JAKE’S DOG SHELTER IN THE SUPPLY CLOSET”

goes through hell every day just to make sure the others dont burn the cafe down

is supposed to be on the morning shift but he stays until the afternoon

in his rare moments of downtime, he likes to go around and water the hanging plants around the shop

is that one vine where the mom listens to nicki minaj for the first time and screams “no” over and over whenever ni-ki gets control of the cafe music

“RIKI NISHIMURA WHAT IS THAT ON THE SPEAKERS” “ITS OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR ARIANA GRANDE” “TURN IT OFF THIS IS NOT PG13” “SHUT THE FUCK UP GRANDPA”

is only 16 but acts like a 32-year-old father going through a midlife crisis

lifts boxes of supplies all day yet his joints are famously brittle

“hey jungwon did you hear glass shattering too?” “sorry jay that was my back” “you need to invest in physical therapy” “maybe if i wasnt paying for property damage every other week 😊”

you meet jungwon when you drop into the cafe for a croissant and a coffee before your class starts

usually you come at night maybe an hour before closing so you had never seen him before, but here you were watching this cute but clearly stressed boy scramble around the shop carrying boxes of supplies to the back

trying not to be creepy, you sigh, turning back to your phone after watching him for a solid five minutes straight

as you do, you hear a crash coming from what you assume is the supply closet followed by a disgruntled groan

pausing, looking around at the other customers typing away at their laptops and waiting for another staff member to go check on the boy, you stand up as you discern that he must be the only one working and hesitantly go to see if he’s okay

“hello? are you okay?” you peer through the door, your eyes widening at the sight of him rubbing his head with a wince on his features, supplies strewn around him at his feet and a box knocked over beside him

“ah… um, yes, i’m okay, sorry if i disturbed you with that noise…” he smiles bashfully, pulling himself back onto his feet

“do you need help with all of that stuff?”

he opens his mouth to protest, not wanting to have to ask for help from a customer, but after seeing the amount of crap off of the shelves, he realises that there is no way in hell he’s going to be able to clean all of it up alone before his shift ends

“um… is that okay?” his cheeks flush with embarrassment as you smile

“sure!”

over the next couple of hours you two establish a little system of bagging the spilt supplies and passes them to eachother to put in boxes, chatting never ceasing as you discover that you actually have a lot of things in common

“since you work here, what’s your favourite kind of coffee?” “i like lattes… i cant stand bitter things” “me too! my friend drinks espressos though” “ditch them”

you also find out that he started being homeschooled after becoming the manager as he doesnt have time to attend normal school

the both of you find yourselves laughing nonstop, having fun in eachother’s company

so much so that you end up late for school

“oh shit! i completely missed my first class”

guilty for making you late, he offers to take you

“i can take you?” “you drive?” “well….. not exactly”

once sunoo and ni-ki arrive to care for the shop, he takes you out to the car park, pulling a spare helmet out of his backpack and securing it on your head before giving your head a pat as he gets onto his scooter

“you look cute” “i look like a bug” “a cute bug”

once you get to school, face red after having to hold onto him the entire time, you hop off and pass him the helmet with a shy smile

“thanks for driving me” you mutter, brushing off imaginary dirt from your shirt as you do your best to avoid eye contact, your face still flushed and heart racing

is it possible to develop a crush on someone this quickly???

jungwon is so cute that he makes it possible, you surmise

“of course” he mirrors your nervous smile, a blush finding its way to his own cheeks

as you bow and spin on your heel to start walking inside, he stops you

“wait!”

“what is it?” you turn to him, your heart still thundering against your ribcage at the fond expression he has plastered on his features

“actually… can i pick you up? after school?”

when you pause, your face growing hotter and hotter, he begins to sputter

“i-i’m really sorry, its fine if not! that was way too forward, i just really like you and- oh god that was even more forward- um-” “okay” “yeah i’m sorry that was a stupid questio- wait, what?”

before he can say anything else, your smile widens

“i’ll see you later, okay? don’t be late!” you wave, skipping into the building with a fluffy feeling in your chest

with an awkward wave, jungwon watches you leave, his mouth wide open in shock before a grin replaces his expression

getting back into his seat, the lovestruck smile never leaving his face as he drives off, he begins to count down the minutes until he gets to see you again

ni-ki

works the afternoon shift

technically an apprentice but he gets paid and has been there forever so basically an employee at this point

or he would be if he ever actually made coffee

he sits with the work phone all morning and chooses the music

perpetually dancing to 7 rings by ariana grande (look up his cover. youre welcome in advance)

jungwon and jay scream at him to at least do the mopping to which he complies, but not without performing a whole ass concert with it

once they saw him twirl and dip the mop

eventually they just told him to go back to curating the music because he was scaring customers away and they were losing business

he was horrible at cleaning anyway

“hey jungwon i think i got window cleaner in your plant” “im firing you” “i dont even go here” “STOP QUOTING MEAN GIRLS AND FIX THE DAMAGE YOUVE CAUSED”

you meet ni-ki while youre drinking your coffee at a booth and he plays your favourite obscure indie song so you have to compliment his taste and get to talking

he plays your favourite songs whenever youre in the shop and audibly hisses at anyone who tries to change it

makes choreography to said songs at home and tries to impress you by casually belting it out by your booth

when you compliment his dancing and ask how long hes been practicing that choreography hes all like “oh hahaha it was just casual freestyle super easy peasy”

(hes been practicing for two weeks)

thought he was being super obvious by doing these things but apparently nOT because you have not caught the hint at all and hes getting impatient

asks for advice from the others begrudgingly

“give them flowers” “jay thats so boring” “do you want to use one of my dogs? everyone loves dogs” “wtf jake since when have you had more than one dog” “make them latte art with a heart on it” “sunoo ive literally never made a coffee in my life” “why dont you just ask them out like a normal perso-” “shut the fuck up grandpa thats so weird no one does that”

eventually he settles on sunoo’s idea of making you latte art and he embarks on his journey to make his first coffee

rather than focusing on the actual taste, sunoo tells him to just do whatever so that he can show him how to do the art

“why is it green ni-ki” “you said to do whatever” “and your first idea was to make poison? idk if this is the best idea if youre trying to ask this person out” “shut up and pass me the milk”

burns his hands on the steaming milk jug at least fifteen times and ends up with so many bandaids on his fingers

despite how stiff the bandages are on his hands, he eventually manages to make a sort-of legible heart

“it looks like africa” “have you ever had steamed milk poured on your eyes sunoo?”

poor ni-ki waits for you all day, his heart leaping every time the bell on the door rings only to roll his eyes when it isnt you

he even stays past his shift so youd better let him take you on a date or hes quitting

when you finally arrive he trips over the bucket at his feet he was using to clean and spills dirty water all over his pants

“omg ni-ki are you okay what happened” *five octaves higher* “NOTHING I'M COMPLETELY FINE WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT”

by the time he’s finished cleaning himself up (and by that i mean fixing his hair in the mirror for twenty minutes) he takes a deep breath and walks over to you, somewhat cold latte in hand

“um,” he clears his throat, his face growing red as he slides the mug towards you “i made this for you”

“aw thanks ni-ki! why is it green” “........its matcha?”

youre slightly suspicious but you look back to the mug and slowly realise that the “drawing” slightly resembles a heart, smiling a little bit to yourself

when you look back to him, youre a little confused as to why hes just standing there

“is something wrong?” you press the mug to your lips, taking a sip

“o-uh uh actually, i wanted to ask if… if you would uh maybe sort of go on a date with me”

you can only smile

“yes, but…”

his heart starts beating faster, watching you anxiously

you stand up, taking the notepad and pen from his apron pocket and scribbling your phone number

“only if you promise to learn how to make actual coffee” you wink, handing him the notepad and sauntering out of the shop

hes stood there dumbstruck, stars in his eyes at the slip of paper in his hand

but then he realises: he has a new mission

rushing to the back room, he slams the door open

“grandpa, i need you to teach me how to make coffee right now” “literally why do i pay you”

with your promise in mind, the others see him work more diligently at the counter than they ever have before

“wow youre actually working today?” “shut up i need to figure out how to do this butterfly before i pry my eyes out with a fork” “haha funny joke ni-” “did i stutter”

at the end of the week, he forces heeseung (the cafe’s best coffee maker) and sunoo (the cafe’s best latte artist) to judge his latte

“this is… surprisingly good” heeseung peers into the mug, smiling at the swan ni-ki created with the latte foam as sunoo grumbles “dont tell me im gonna have to start competing with this kid, it probably tastes gross” “it tastes amazing too” “im quitting”

with his coworkers’ notes in mind, he finally works up the nerve to send you a quick message telling you to come into the shop

when you arrive the next day, ni-ki greets you and immediately gets to work, making sure to stand as close as humanly possible to your booth so he can show off his newly acquired coffee making skills

with you only inches away, he does make a mistake and spill milk on his shirt after looking at you and not his hands for a second too long, but you decide to give him the benefit of the doubt when he sets the mug in front of you

“wow! this heart is perfect!”

you smile, looking up to him “did you seriously learn how to do latte art just so you could take me on a date?” “… y-yeah, and?”

you can only chuckle as you press the mug to your lips, readying yourself to drink liquid dirt…

“this is… really good!” you grin, taking another sip and putting the mug down on its saucer

“i think you’ve definitely earned yourself a date… or two”

at this news, ni-ki’s face lights up, shoving the urge to scream down his throat before nodding stiffly to try and contain his excitement with a strained “cool” escaping his lips

“are you okay ni-ki?” “yes just give me one second”

he quickly scrambles to the break room, a moment of silence wafting through the store before a shrill scream fills the air

eyes wide, you turn to jay, who had been manning the till, after hearing him burst into laughter

“what is he doing?”

“we told him the freezer was sound proof”

[arans-princess]

I wanna play

Sakusa-nii x reader x atsumu

Degradation, rough sex, spitting, cnc, this gets dark yall, light somno. Poly relationship

-  Omi-nii doesn’t like most people except you, you are the only exception, he loves his little sister to death. He would do anything to keep you happy. 

- He doesn’t like bodily fluids unless they come from you, everything you do is so adorable to him, you’re his Imōto

- The way you whine as he eats out your cute little cunny, music to his ears

- The way you claw at his back as his thick cock splits you open, is so sweet. He knows his dick it too big for you, but the way you tell him you’re a big girl and you can take it, any thing for nii-chan; makes his cock throb. 

-  The way you babble and drool as he fucks you silly, your eyes rolling back as he bounces you on his dick, one large calloused hand around your throat using it as leverage. The other holds you at your hip with a bruising grip as he plows into you. 

-  The bathroom sink is frigid on your feverish body, but it does nothing to quell the heat inside you. He applies just enough pressure to your neck so that you're looking at yourself in the mirror. 

- He gladly pounds your third orgasm out of you, his hips unrelenting as the post game adrenaline has flooded his veins. Gosh, when they said he was a part of the generation of monsters they weren’t kidding. 

“Omi-nii, ugh, fuck I-I Im gonna cum!” you babble through strangled moans, your pulse pounding in your head as his thick fingers press against the sides of your throat, cutting off blood supply to your brain. Drunk off the pleasure, you can feel your head swimming, drowning in the sensation of his fat cock brushing against your sweet spot, the cold counter digging into you adds to your pleasure. 

“Yes, you can y/n-chan, yes you can. C’mon, be my good girl, cum on for me, cum for your nii-chan.” he bends down, leaning into your neck and bites. Leaving a trail of marks from your collarbone to your ear. “Just a little more for me, baby” the hand on your hip travels to your clit and rubs tight circles on your overused bud. His hips still as he increases the pace of his fingers. “You're clamping down so hard, baby girl, you gonna squirt for me?” he looks up at your blissed out expression, your legs are trembling, arms desperately clinging to the arm attached to your throat. 

“Omi, please I wanna taste you.” You mewl out clawing at his forearm, nails digging deep into his veiny flesh. Somehow, he takes you to heights unknown as his cock throbs in your wet heat. Now that he stopped thrusting you can feel your cunt pulsing, your slick is dripping down your ass onto the sink below making your ass slippery; you would have slid off, if not for you big brother supporting you, such a good brother. The hand on your throat migrates to your chin gripping it harshly, prying open your mouth. His face draws closer to yours as he gathers a glob of saliva and plops on to your tongue. You hold it in there waiting for him to give you permission to swallow, both of your fluids mingling in your mouth. Tongue twitching in anticipation, your eyes meet his in a silent plea. 

“Swallow princess. Be a good girl and squirt for me, c’mon” he coos while looking at your fucked out face; eyes rolling back, mouth open in a silent scream. With his encouragement you let go of the knot building in your belly, and all at once fluid gushes out of your cunt as he continues to rub your clit, working you through this mind numbing orgasm like a good big brother. Not even the groaning coming from one of the stalls can snap you out of this bliss.

“Holy fuck Omi-kun, I didn’t know she could squirt!” Both of your heads snap in the direction of the voice in search of the owner. Omi is shocked to find the owner, it’s Tsumu, his teammate. Oh fuck. “Poor little y/n-chan too fucked out on your brother's cock to care? Look at you. You look so fucking pathetic. You like when your big brother uses you like a toy? Don’t you?” Tsumu teases while inspecting your used body, he’s right. You’re covered in drool, cum is seeping out of your puffy cunt. You’re a mess. But you’re Nii-chan’s mess, right? “So this is what’s going to happen. I’m going to play with your toy. You can watch or leave, I don’t really care. Unless you want me to tell the press you fuck your baby sister like a whore? You can kiss your career goodbye. Yeah it would suck to have you off the team but; rumor has it, this Kyōtani Kentarō kid is being scouted for the team next year. I would love to set for him. Hate to see you go though.” That damn smirk never leaves his face, and he doesn't take his eyes off you, not even for a second. You can feel nii-chan stiffen between your legs as the realization hits him. He has to comply if he wants to keep your lives from derailing. 

“Fine,” Omi spits, “can I finish here first? I'm still hard.” his question is harsh, you can practically see steam coming from his ears, his face that was already red from the exertion deepened. His chest is still heaving, but you can't tell if it's from anger or not. It most likely is. This anger is only intensified with blond’s response. “ Yeah no. I want my payment now.” the blonde chuckles, looking very pleased with himself. Omi’s grip on your body tightens immensely, painfully even, yet somehow through this exchange you have not come to terms with what's happening quite yet. It's not until Omi withdraws from your heat that you understand the gravity of the situation. Your relationship has been found out, after years of being so careful, this is what happens. All because you couldn't keep your greedy little hands to yourself. You should feel more responsible but you can't bring yourself to. You're too far gone, trapped in your own mind, locked away in subspace. 

Next thing you know Tsumu plunges into your heat roughly and sets a brutal pace from the start. His cock isn’t the same and nii-chans, it's not as long. It doesn’t hammer into your cervix, but it's twice as thick, and the stretch burns. It’s not a good burn, it hurts. You dont like Tsumu fucking you. You're not his toy, you belong to nii-chan, not his teammate. You look over at Omi and see him standing in the corner. His cock is still hard and throbbing, the tip is a bright red, and he looks so ready to burst. ”Nii-chan, make him stop, I-I don't like him inside me. H-hurts, it hurts.” you croak out, attempting to reach out for him. The sight breaks his heart in two, he wants nothing more than to fling that shit-head off of his precious baby sister, but he can’t. He takes a half step towards you then stops himself, knowing if he interrupts his career is over, and with that so is your life of comfort. He simply can't have that. Omi swallows his pride and tries to tune out your wails of anguish as Tsumu defiles you, but your cries only get louder and louder as he continues. 

“Such a slut, aren't you y/n-chan? This little hole just weeps for anyone doesn't it?” Tsumu questions while leaning in your face, breath fanning over you. The rank smell of coffee assaults your nostrils, making you try and turn away, but he roughly snatches your face back to look at him. His fingers are roughly digging into your cheeks and the pressure forces your jaw open. Your eyes widen in fear as you realize what is about to happen. He hocks a fat glob of spit inside your pliant mouth, the look in his eyes tells you to swallow or risk harsher treatment. So with fat tears welling up in your eyes, threatening to spill over, you do as he asks. The pounding never ceases as he beams brightly down at you. His smile, one you once found endearing, now makes your stomach turn, and you close your eyes and hope for him to finnish quickly. 

“Aht aht aht, c’mon princess, look at me. Look at me and be grateful that someone is stuffing your stupid little cunt at all.” he chuckles as he thrusts harder into your womb, the stretch doesn’t burn like it did before, as your body finally adjusted to his massive girth. Reluctantly you open your eyes and look at his figure looming above you. He’s drenched in sweat and his face is flushed with exertion. He looks almost appealing like this, with his eyebrows furrowed, eyes blown wide in lust and some other emotion, hate? No, it doesn't bite the same. Its- its love. 

Love? He loves you? Oh yeah that's right , when Omi joined the team and brought you around to meet the team, he made it a point to keep Tsumu far away from you. One time Tsumu had managed to snag you away from the group, and while you don't remember much about that night, you do know that Omi was really mad about it. Omi said he was flirting but you didn't even realize it. The whole time you only had eyes for your Nii-chan. That must be why he was lurking in the bathroom. Now that you’re thinking, Atsumu was always around when you two would run off, and you always felt another set of eyes watching you… oh yeah, that’s right… You’re snapped out of your thoughts when you feel a pressure on your clit. The rough pads of his fingers circle your clit, you can feel the calluses on your sensitive nub throwing you over the edge into yet another orgasm. You claw at his back, unconsciously pulling him into you. The way your pussy clamps down on his length makes him gasp, professing his love in your ear as he shoots his load into you. But they dont say he is a part of the generation of monsters for nothing, he doesn't stop his relentless pace, pushing all of his cum out of you. Your vision starts to get blurry, between the tears and the haze of overstimulation taking over. You can hear Omi get angry somewhere in the back of your head, but it sounds far away, like he’s yelling underwater. 

You feel your body tense up for yet another orgasm and then your vision cuts out. When you come to, Atsumu is still fucking you, but the pleasure is gone. It’s too much, and when you register this you start fighting back, pushing his face off your neck, shoving his shoulders back to try and dislodge him. Then you hear him chuckle darkly. 

“Don't worry y/n-chan, I'll be done shortly, I was able to cum a few more times when you went to sleep on me. Did you know you cum even when you pass out?” he places a gentle kiss on your forehead. You look over to the side and see your big brother sitting in the corner. You look in his eyes and see barely contained rage. The fire in them looks like it could melt a diamond. Tsumu lifts your shirt to take a nipple in his mouth as he cums, sheathing himself in your heat completely, filling you up beyond what you thought was possible. 

Your legs start to give out and Omi notices this, he rushes to your side to hold you up-right. “ATSUMU, I told you to be more careful with her! We can't break our princess. Well at least not somewhere so public. Come here baby girl, Nii-chan will take care of you.”

“I’m sorry princess, I got a little carried away. Here, let's get you home. We can cuddle and watch some movies. And up you go!” Tsumu looks at you sheepishly as he apologises, then he lifts you up and pulls his hoodie over your head. He carries you out of the bathroom, uncaring for the strange looks you three get. Your face is buried in his neck and your legs are wrapped around his waist. Omi glares at anyone who even thinks about asking about your identity. 

Your relationship might be a little unorthodox, but it’s yours and everyone is happy with it. More importantly you and Omi have realized what happens when Tsumu feels left out. 

[sanstropfremir]

Okay, time for my weekly rant so buckle up. The vocal stages were okay-I cant really remember them well because I watched them only once so take what I say with a grain of salt. Well I watched the Spark one once and I only got through half of the other one because I can’t stand ballads especially when there’s no interesting movement on stage to keep me engaged. Like it’s no fault of the members themselves or the song (I actually think their singing was incredibly beautiful and Eunkwang always sings like his wife just left him with the kids which is how you know he’s good) but I physically could not pay attention. That’s why I liked the spark stage a bit better-there was enough movement that I was able to focus on it. I really liked the use of the fire and the way they were walking in and out of the frame trading off parts so there weren’t too many awkward moments where the other members where on stage but not doing anything. The opening was gorgeous with each members being lit by the spotlight as they harmonize. So stagewise, I prefer Spark but vocally I think the other group was stronger. I love Spark and Taeyon is such an incredible vocalist (I mean the song is great because of her) so I don’t get why their delivery was, I don’t want to say weak, but subdued might be a better word. The only one that really stood out was Junhoe (but also that man couldn’t not stand out even if he tried, not with that incredibly rasp) and even he seemed to be holding himself back a bit. Though it was a bit slow it built up well to the two last choruses but still the first half could have been stronger. I know they were trying to draw it out to a strong pay off but I don’t really know if it was enough. And yes the suits were *chef’s kiss*. I think at this point in their career the FNC stylist has put SF9 in so many suits they’ve got it down to a science. Also I’m a sucker for those shirts with the triangle cut out and we got not one but two of them here.

Okay moving on, I’m not sure which group was next but I’ll talk about the Ikon stage. It seems like they finally realized that they’re on a performance based competition show so they decided to pull out the big guns. Love the little skit at the beginning (making sure people don’t forget that they’re YG), it was cute and refreshing. I really appreciated how they leaned into the campy acting in this stage (Stray kids did it too-just adding to the similarities between their stages). The song was meh but I also don’t really like BP especially not their recent stuff so it’s not a big deal. I would have preferred if they had gone with another song maybe Whistle or As If It’s Your Last or if they’d done a 2NE1 song like Chanwoo mentioned some point in the episode. I also think the stage would have been way smoother if they’d let Ikon and Lisa interact. Like if the boys appeared in her set after her section and then they all moved back to the first jungle set and then the whole thing turns gold and they did a dramatic outfit change (but with better jackets because theirs look like they came out of Party City). I also get what you mean about the dancers outfits not being that great. I actually really liked the outfits of Lisa’s dancers in isolation but they didn’t match with her or the set so they threw me off a bit. At least with the ikon members they were going for a modern look so the dancers outfits didn’t look that strange in comparison. Do you think it would have been better if they were white? How would you have improved then? The best way I can describe this performance was that it was a stage, stuff happened, I enjoyed myself but I don’t plan to revisit it anytime soon. Oh and we also have to give points for them cursing on national television not once but twice (at this point Jinwan deserves to say fuck).

Now to Stray Kids. So I feel like I need to preface this with the fact that I am actually a stray kids fan (I won’t call myself a stay because I don’t associate with the fandom) and though I’ve been really critical of them and their stages tend to be my least favorite I still have a soft spot for them (I got into this show because of them after all). I loved, loved, loved the intro with Felix (and yes his biggest flaw is that he’s Australian but I forgive him for it) and the way it immediately transitions into the chorus of DDD-the abrupt transition does fit really well with the Deadpool theme and I guess it is the closest they’re going to get to the feeling of yeeting themselves into traffic like in the movie. Interesting choice to start with the chorus. Now that I’m rewatching it I do really wish they stuck with the comic theme. I think that’s my gripe with SKZ-they have a lot of good ideas but they move on too quickly from them. Just pick a handful of things and sprinkle them throughout instead of cycling through them at breakneck speed. Like okay they’re doing Deadpool and he’s a comic character so keep the comic styling (it would have been a good thing to put in the projection behind Seungmin’s scene), maybe in the subway they could have had some fight choreo so the guns coming in at Lee Knows part aren’t out of nowhere (also someone please tell me they were trying to recreate the meme with the cat and the knives, please I need to know). I absolutely agree that them having a goal or an antagonist would have really helped the story along. I mean they literally have a spoken intro so why couldn’t Felix just tell us who they were fighting (and I’m pretty sure in the movie Wade tells us he’s trying to kill Francis in that scene sooo). As always they put more focus on the rappers (please can we get less Changbin and more Seungmin, Jeongin, or Lee Know or at least give Felix more parts). Seungmin was the real mvp of this stage and he had the best outfit (I think it qualifies for Hanya’s best gay little outfit list). Personally I with they hadn’t gone with Gods Menu again. I’ve been hoping that they would perform My Pace (and maybe remix it with their B-side TA off their Go Live album) because that would be such a fun stage. Again, I enjoyed myself but I won’t revisit it anytime soon. At this point the only groups I actually look forward to are BTOB and SF9 (they’re doing fucking Move and I don’t know whether to be excited or terrified-there’s a clip of Taeyang covering Move from a variety show or interview and I think he does it really well so I know at least one of them can pull it off). Again thanks for creating space where I can info dump and I hope I said something of interest to you!

i think you wrote more than me!! i love this, im gonna put my response under a cut im not being super obnoxious on the dash.

i get that the mayfly stage would be not as visually stimulating for people and usually i would count myself in with that crowd because i love a good spectacle but i think because i watched the spark stage first and my colour perception is sometimes weird so when there's a lot of movement with very little colour variation my tiny pea brain loses track of whats happening really quickly. especially with red. so it was kind of difficult for me to pay attention to the spark stage in the second half. also i absolutely HATE watching people flub on stage because it brings up such visceral secondhand feelings that i couldn't even watch the stage when i started the full episode today.

i love a good suit but you know what i would also love: sf9 in more costume variations. tbh im just getting nitpicky about it because im a costume designer down to the core and i got trained by a designer who specialized in doing avant garde costuming so i tend to skew more towards wild than reserved. it looks like the move stage wont be be suits so ill take it, but oh man to do i want to see some really crazy stuff. which i know they'll never do because idols have to be pretty at all times or the fans get mad but oh i want it so badly.

do you mean how i would improve ikon's backup dancers outfits or lisa's? here why dont i do both. for lisa's dancers i would have just done away with that harness shape all together, its almost exclusively a military style. the jackets by themselves would have been fine but really what they should have done was put them in something that matched the gold but contrasted enough to give them shape. by having at least her dancers in all black on a gold stage there was a lot of "haha look at me do a duck walk because lets throw in some voguing for spice." they could have gone with a mesh bodysuit idea similar to what she was wearing or even just different colour coats. as for ikon's backup dancers, firstly pants. not black. or even a longer skirt. genuinely a part of the reason why i dont watch girl group content is because i HATE the hem length of the shorts they make everyone wear. words cannot describe how much i hate that cut. kpop is so obsessed with showing off women's bodies and especially their legs but they do it in the LEAST flattering way possible because it "can't be too risqué," just shoot me now. i hate it. i hate it so fucking much. yea yea everybody was on cocaine in the 80s whatever but at least they were all wearing french cut bodysuits so their legs looked fantastic. stop interrupting the lines!! anyways. pants so the only section of skin showing is thigh to mid calf, especially because they weren't even doing any fun legwork! if they really wanted to keep the full sleeve bodysuits they shout have done them in a fabric with a texture or external embellishments, like a patent/vinyl or sequins/rhinestones. something to catch the stage lights so we can actually see the shape of the limb. but the easiest way to fix it is literally just cut the arms off the bodysuits. stages are lit to show off skin, sometimes the best way to have something be seen is just to have it bare.

i agreed skz cycles through ideas way too fast, they need to just pick a couple and stick them out through the stage instead of just adding more and more different ones throughout. also ok good someone else noticed that there is just...so much changbin. we don't need that much changbin. i know there's other boys in the group let them do something! also im pretty sure theyre not recreating the cat knife meme but actually the promo image from john wick chapter two, which i also could have sworn i saw a deadpool version of as an instagram ad back when movies were happening, but now that im looking for it it doesn't exist so i might be crazy.

im excited for the move stage but im also trepidatious because...its move. i have NO clue what the concept is from the previews so i just hope its weird enough to take it enough out of the taemin context for me to enjoy it.

[swimmingafterdark]

a fools guide for not wanting to die anymore

* (i dont want to die anymore, here is how i did it) *

1. never make a suicide joke again. im not fucking kidding around. you need to make an effort to change how you think about things. its okay to mess up or slip up, but everytime consciously think to yourself or even say outloud “that is not funny and i shouldnt be joking about something so serious”

2. you know what, fuck it no more self deprecating jokes. no more “i suck” or “im not worth it” or whatever we arent doing that anymore. even if you are joking, your brain and soul do not know the difference. your brain and soul still believe it, and it keeps up the cycle. it doesnt mean you cant make fun of yourself, just work to do so more positively. (example: when i draw a picture i dont one hundred percent like, instead of saying “my art is trash” i replace that with “you know i think its time we replace the mona lisa” you make a joke but you still build yourself up.)

3. manifest success,

4. come up with goals even if they are silly or trivial

5. if you see something you like, say it out loud i dont care what the circumstances are. you walk down the street with your friends and someone walking in the other direction has cute pants you say it out loud, to your friends or the stranger i dont care. it doesnt matter how spastic you look it will help. compliment everything you see, at least 4 per day.

6. care more

7. get close to people. the more people you care about the better

8. hug more

9. kiss more

10. when you have intrusive thoughts, picture an edgy angsty 13 year old and tell them to go somewhere else

11. cut out negativity. take negative energy out of your life. you dont need it anymore. (evolving, involves eliminating)

12. lean on the people who care about you. (dont feel guilty about it, they love you, its okay)

13. try something new, as much as you need to remove energy you need to gain good energy. i recommend creating things or exercise whether its writing or doodling, or taking your dog for a walk.

14. drink tea and wake up early.

15. (the earlier you go to bed the better,) nothing good happens after 2 am.

16. interrupt your anxious thoughts with “what if everything works out” & “what if i end up okay”

17. find something you kinda want to do. whether its a city to travel to, or a small local band playing a show in your city, get your ass out of the house and experience something

18. get your ass out of the house. thats its own statement

19. the clock doesnt stop, if you give yourself time, things will change. this much is inevitable. if you want positive change you have to work for it.

20. the way things are talked about isnt usually the whole story. people love to talk about caterpillars becoming butterflies as if its just that easy, but in reality, in those weird little cocoons, a caterpillar completely dissovles itself into acidy goo. if you are a mess right now, if you feel alone in your bedroom in the dark late at night, acknowledge your goo, keep going.

21. meditate.

22. start small and build up.

23. work on your imagination, practice.

24. go outside when it rains (i cant explain this one, just do it)

25. if you want confidence and dont know how to get it, a really good way is to start with other people. walk into class and tell someone how pretty their hair is or take the time to notice how well the barista made your coffee. when you start seeing everyone as beautiful, at some point youll realize that you are everyone too.

26. listen to your parents favorite music, and if you dont like your parents try a friends.

27. crying is cleansing, dont be afraid to let loose

28. cleaning is cleansing, clean your room, dust your windows and fans, vacuum the carpet.

29. always look for pretty things.

30. if you feel guilty venting or ranting about things, ask your audience if they are in the space for it. if they say yes, great you’re good to go, if not you understand it isnt the best time. by asking this, your buddies will see that you are willing to respect boundaries as well as understanding their emotional needs.

31. stop making excuses

32. cry for help without guilt tripping or humor coating. its as simple as that.

33. practice moral honesty. tell people the truth, try not to hurt them.

34. you cant heal in the same environment that made you sick, get out get space.

35. if you cant say something out loud, understand that its okay, write it down.

36. stop knocking on doors from the past.

37. find one thing that brings you joy

38. chase joy forever.

39. dont waste one second.

40. tell people you love them/appreciate their presence in your life.

41. tell more jokes, even corny puns.

42. laugh at everything, even if its forced.

43. find something you can have faith in, and fall in love with it. (G-d, the Universe, Music, Science)

44. you cant take a bath, drink lemon water, and do a facemask to cure your depression, but that doesnt mean you shouldnt do those things.

45. eat your fruits and veggies

46. hang out with your mom (if you dont have one or like yours, make friends with a cool adult as a parental figure & hang out with them. it might sound weird but it was one of the best things i ever did. i love you kel)

47. put twice as much fabric softener in your laundry as you need (&dont forget a dryer sheet for the ol razzle dazzle)

48. change your bed sheets every week

49. drink more water

50. stop apologizing

51. rebuild in private

52. if you dont know who you are, honor this moment, you get to create yourself from scratch, take the time to create someone you would love

53. read more books

54. strip down, and look at yourself in the mirror, picture yourself covered in scars, picture your skeleton, and picture yourself decomposing in the ground

55. learn to be okay with being alone, but dont get too comfy

56. work harder to be mature

57. it only matters how you see you, not how they see you.

58. i know this is a lot, step by step you can do this

[danfanciesphil]

Prompt where they fight or smthng and phil leaves for a walk and comes back to dan playing his song on the piano?

very cute, i really like this one

xx

EDIT: I realised just as i started writing this that you specified ‘his [phil’s] song’ - so i am now assuming you’re talking about the song dan wrote for him in Birthday Sex? Sorry if that isn’t what you meant haha, but i dont know of a song irl that dan would play for phil that could be classed as ‘his song’ (thought im sure there are several) 

hope this is all ok! and thank you

Prompts are temporarily closed for the time being! Thank you all for your submissions, I’ll be posting the ones I have in my inbox asap!

“I just don’t think it’s very fair of you to blindside me with all the shitty stuff from our past without some kind of warning!” Dan protests, throwing his flat keys down on to the dining room table. He shrugs his coat off, irritated, and throws it onto a nearby chair. “In front of all our friends!”

“Oh, so I’m just supposed to shove all that stuff to one side and never think about it again?” Phil asks, sounding incredulous. Dan rolls his eyes at the theatrical way Phil is behaving. “I’m never allowed to bring it up, or speak about it, or think about it in case it makes you feel guilty and miserable for a split second, is that right?”

“Obviously that’s not what I’m saying, Phil.” Dan says icily, crossing his arms. “You don’t have to be so... so...”

“So what?” Phil prompts, one hand curled around his own set of keys, still. 

Dan just glares, lips pressed into a thin slash across his chin. He’s not going to finish that sentence. It won’t do either of them any good; besides, they’ve both had a couple of glasses of wine. 

They’ve been out for a meal at a posh sushi place for Hazel’s birthday. It’s a place they know well, a menu they’ve ordered from frequently, and friends that they both enjoy being around. 

Dan has no idea why, on this occasion, things turned sour. Out of all the many ways Phil could have answered Louise’s innocent, funny question of ‘what’s the worst pick-up line you’ve tried on someone?’, he had to say ‘well, that’s a difficult one because for the last eight years I've been desperately in love with someone who made it extremely clear they didn’t want me back until very recently. So, I haven’t tried out an actual pick up line in forever.’

His answer had stunned the table into an awkward hush. Dan had been so taken aback by the nonchalant way in which Phil casually dropped this information into the lighthearted conversation - with people who know absolutely nothing about it, save for Louise - that he’d actually choked on an edamame bean. 

They all knew, of course, that Phil was talking about Dan. They must have. 

Suddenly, remembering the stunted, jolty attempts people were forced to make to kickstart the conversation again, to move it into safer territory, Dan doesn’t feel quite so generous. 

He decides to finish his sentence, after all. 

“You don’t have to be so childish about this whole thing.” Dan says before he can think it through properly. “It’s over now. We’re married, we’re together, you have me. Why are you insisting on picking at the scabs? And without even so much as a hint to me beforehand that it’s on your mind at all!” 

“Childish?” Phil repeats, his voice soft and hurt. 

Dan’s heart sinks, and he regrets the choice of adjective immediately. “No, well, no-”

But it’s too late to take it back. The word hangs in the air, taunting them both. 

Dan scrambles to think of a way to repair the situation, but he’s not fast enough. Phil, still wearing his coat, turns back the way he came, keys still clasped in his fist, and walks out of the door. 

Fuck. 

---

Phil has no idea where he’s going. He hadn’t really thought further ahead than getting out of the flat before the argument turned even nastier. 

That’s the problem with arguing with Dan; he’s a hothead. He can’t seem to catch the words in his mind long enough to think them through, he just spits them out, harsh and unfiltered, then regrets it. 

The wind whips against him, and Phil draws the lapels of his coat around himself a little tighter. He’d been so looking forward to getting back home after the dinner tonight. They’d left the heating on, and Phil had been feeling pleasantly tipsy all evening until it got awkward. He’d been thinking about how, later, he could drag a wine-sweetened Dan underneath the covers, kiss him in all the places that made him squirm until neither of them felt the cold anymore. 

He sighs, taking a random turning into a side street he’s never walked down before. He wonders if he should put his hood up or something, as the worst thing would be getting recognised right now. It’s unlikely to happen, though, in the dark. 

Childish. 

That was the word Dan had used to describe him. It echoes through the wide, hollow rooms of Phil’s usually thriving brain, echoing off the cold, stone walls. 

Is that truly how Dan perceives him? Immature and thoughtless? Attention-seeking, maybe? Or sulking, to get his way? 

A shiver runs through his body, and his teeth begin to chatter. He steps through the milky, pale yellow splash of light from an overhead streetlamp, glad of the fleeting absence of darkness. 

He hadn’t meant to say what he did, when he answered Louise. He didn’t think. It’s not like him to say things without thinking, either - but he supposes being around Dan so much must mean he picks up on some of his habits, both good and bad. 

Just now, Dan had said that Phil had blindsided him with the answer. That he’d failed to let Dan know that it was playing on his mind, and that if he’d pulled Dan aside, maybe tried to talk it through a little, things would have been okay. 

But Dan doesn’t understand. The ‘Birthday Sex Era’, as Phil now thinks of it, isn’t something that fleetingly pops into his head now and again. He’s thinking of it always. There’s never a moment that it’s not there, stubborn and loud, a great sea-monster lurking in the ocean of Phil’s love for Dan, its tentacles protruding into every single memory they have as a pair. 

Phil isn’t able to just carve the Birthday Sex monster away. It’s too entwined in what they are, in what they were. It’s part of him, and it’s part of Dan, and it’s a part of both of them, together. 

So, when the delicious Californian white wine is flowing, and Phil is comfortable and relaxed around his favourite, trusted friends, it’s only natural that he’ll answer something asked of him with total honesty. It just so happens that the honest answer he gave tonight was one that the Birthday Sex monster has wrapped itself around. Phil couldn’t help but tell Louise the truth. And the truth had been that Phil, for a long time, was simply not interested in ‘picking up’ anyone but Dan, and that Dan had - somewhat cruelly - encouraged this. 

Two shadowy figures turn into the street, starting to walk towards him. Phil is wearing his contacts, but he still can’t really make them out. Not wanting to linger too long in a deserted, back street with two unfamiliar strangers late at night, Phil turns, walking briskly back the way he came. 

It’s freezing tonight, anyway. Phil’s had a little walk to gather his thoughts. 

It’s time to go home. 

---

Phil tries to unlock the door quietly, half hoping the inevitable confrontation can be postponed a little longer, until he’s shucked off his coat and shoes, at least. 

He manages to stay quiet as he lets himself in, and takes his time about removing his outer garments. He runs a hand through his hair, shuddering as his body soaks up the warmth of the flat, and sighs. 

Belatedly, he realises he can hear a soft, enchanting melody, seeping through the floorboards of the upstairs hallway. Intrigued, as ever, by Dan’s decision to play the piano, Phil follows the haunting tune.

Strangely, as he pads up the stairs, Phil realises that he’s humming along. He pauses in his step, head cocked to listen harder when he deduces that he actually knows this particular song. 

He shuts his eyes, still humming as he tries in vain to place it. Is it a video game theme song, he wonders? Dan is very fond of learning every score of the Final Fantasy soundtrack. But somehow Phil knows it isn’t that, this time. 

His brain aches in protest, complaining that it’s too befuddled with alcohol and post-argument tension to work out what the song is. 

Phil rolls his eyes at his own mind, then continues up the stairs, deciding he’ll just have to remember to ask Dan once they’ve resolved this little tiff. 

It’s as Phil approaches their bedroom, that it dawns on him. The realisation tumbles over him in a gush, and he sucks in a breath, stopping in his tracks. He stands in the doorway, not daring to move in case he interrupts. 

Watching Dan play is a performance in itself, regardless of the music he produces. His back is straight, just as his evil teacher drilled into him that it must be all that time ago. His fingers dance, light as petals skimming the surface of a lake, over the keys. 

Dan hasn’t noticed Phil’s arrival, he’s sure. 

The tune begins soft, then sweeps into a whirlwind of complexity, soaring into something so swooping, so magnificent, so deep and vibrant and pure that it sends Phil’s stomach crashing to the floor. 

After a while, it peters out, trilling gently, teasing the growing quiet with more until it stops entirely. 

Dan hunches forwards, his forehead pressing against the stand as his fingers curl into fists. 

“I haven’t heard you play that in a while,” Phil says, trying to keep his voice soft so he won’t startle Dan, but the younger man jumps anyway, spinning to face him. 

There are obvious, shiny tear-tracks over his cheeks.  

“Phil,” he breathes, clearly amazed, “you’re- you’re back.” 

Phil shrugs, shuffling into the room a little. “Where else would I go?”

Dan is silent for a minute, his top teeth trapping his lower lip like he’s trying to button his mouth closed. It doesn’t work. The words burst out anyway, tumbling from his lips in a messy, unprocessed garble.

“I’msosorry-”Dan starts, eyes desperate. “I just- like, I don’t even know why I would say that- I don’t- obviously I don’t think you’re childish, but youknowwhatI’mlike-”

“Dan.” Phil interrupts, gently. 

“And especially after drinking- like, I knew I should’ve said no to that second glass, but-”

“Dan, stop,” Phil urges, moving towards him. 

Sitting down on the piano stool, scooted up against Dan’s side seems to startle him into silence, so Phil takes the opportunity to speak. 

“I’m not really sure who’s right or wrong here.” He confesses, shrugging one shoulder. 

Dan rolls his eyes. “Come on, Phil, there’s no need to become a martyr just because I’m getting a bit weepy-”

Phil smiles, brushing a thumb under each of Dan’s eyes, rubbing away the moisture collected there. “I’m not being a martyr.” Phil turns to face him as much as possible on the stool, trying to get the words straight in his head. “I just think that this - our situation - is a peculiar one. I don’t quite know how to handle it best, y’know?”

Dan nods, chewing his lip again. 

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to be constantly on edge in case I spring a guilt trip on you from nowhere,” Phil says, completely honest about this. “But I also don’t really know how to deal with all the leftover... stuff still inside me from that time. The Birthday Sex time.”

“What kind of ‘stuff’?” Dan asks cautiously, sounding like he doesn’t really want to know the answer. Honestly, Phil is pretty sure Dan won’t like the answer either. 

Phil swallows. “Hurt. Anger. Heartbreak. Insecurity. Anxiety.” Phil swallows again. “You know. Stuff.”

Dan takes a deep breath, but nods again, seeming to understand. “So... you’re saying that ‘stuff’ might sort of... leak out at random, inconvenient times?”

Phil quirks a smile at him. “I’m going to try really, really hard not to let that happen. I don’t want to hurt you, or cause arguments. And you’re right, y’know? What you said earlier - it’s over. I have you now.”

His hand travels absent-mindedly to Dan’s hip, ducking beneath the jumper he’s wearing until his fingers skim the tattoo he knows is inked there. 

Dan shakes his head. “I was a prat earlier. Please don’t take any of what I said to heart.”

Phil chuckles at him, and Dan gives him a serious look.

“No, seriously Phil.” He says, making Phil chuckle more. “If anyone’s a fucking child around here it’s me. I’m the one who threw a god damn bitch fit at you for bringing up your own perfectly valid feelings of betrayal. I mean, what right do I have to yell at you for that when it’s all my fault you ever felt that awful to begin wi-”

Phil kisses him to shut him up, mostly, but also because he’s tipsy and sad and bullying himself for things he’s apologised for so many times. Sometimes, the best way to draw Dan out of his own abusive head is to remind him how much he is loved, despite whatever he may think of himself. 

When Phil draws away, there’s a surprised, sweet expression on Dan’s pretty face. Phil smiles at the sight of it, curling his hand into Dan’s jumper. 

“Your playing was so lovely,” Phil tells him wistfully. 

Dan ducks his head, smiling bashfully. “Thanks. I think that’s the only thing I can play without any mistakes.” 

“Will you play it again?” Phil asks, resting his head on Dan’s shoulder.

Dan pretends to look exasperated, rolling his eyes. “You’re requesting your own song for the second time?”

Phil nods, beaming, and Dan shakes his head fondly, but kisses him nonetheless. He places his hands over the keys, and Phil lights up, settling down to listen, his eyes fluttering closed. 

“As if I could ever say no.” Dan murmurs, then starts to play.

[shawnmend-yes]

Relapse (Bittersweet part 1)

You get to the party late and under strict instructions to protect Becky from drunk Josh, you’re apprehensive to say the least because you always seem to end up alone at these parties, wishing you could crawl into a hole and die but your hopeful that tonight could be different.

It’s not long before India leaves you to go and ‘chat’ to the guy she’s been talking to for the past few weeks, and you know you’re not going to see her for the rest of the night. Luckily for you, becky spots you and drags you over to talk to the people you haven’t seen in years, not since you moved schools.

Everyone’s already kinda drunk so you feel slightly more relaxed knowing that most of them are incapable of overthinking how awkward your about to be, “Alright?” you murmur fiddling with the cuffs of your sleeve.

They barely have time to respond before you hear a shout from across field “BAILEY? Is that you?” you can barely contain your laughter as you watch ellie, who is hosting the party, attempt to run towards you with a giant cast over her leg, deciding to be a good person you jog over to meet her half way crashing into a hug that results in you holding her up.

You spend a couple of minutes catching up with her before you spot Becky sat on the floor with josh, who appears to be trying to make out with her knee while she tries to push his head off. You exchange glances with ellie before heading over to the pair on the floor calling out, “Beccs, come on a walk?”

You wait for her to push herself up and begin walking as she loops her arm through your, “What the hell was that?” you ask incredulously.

“I told you, he’s weird when he’s drunk” she titters pulling you sideways, “oh…Shawn!” she calls causing him to look up and wave from the group of people he was with. “Let’s go say hi!”

You didn’t have to walk far because it turns out shawn had the exact same idea, crossing the garden to talk to the two of you. You stand awkwardly to the side as they hug and exchange quick small talk, eyes flitting over him and taking in his new appearance, he looks so different from the 3 years ago when you saw him practically everyday, because that’s what best friends do right?

You check for the same cheeky grin and scruffy hair, but this time its accompanied by arm muscles that definitely weren’t there before. “And you… i havent seen you in ages!” he says, pulling your eyes back to his as you go in for a handshake, but he startles you wrapping his arms around you and squeezing. Your eyes pop and you catch sight of Becky out of the corner of your eye trying to stuff her fist in her mouth to prevent herself from laughing.

“Long time no see” you wheeze out as he steps back and you draw in a deep breath rubbing the edge of your ribcage casually.

Other people come and join the three of you and you decide that socializing is far too draining to do standing up so you sit down on the floor, the others following suit quickly. General conversations flit around between people and you’re happy just sat observing when Alfie reaches the group. “Becky, i need to tell you something”

She brushes her legs of standing and nudges you with her toe, “Back in a sec, bails”. You just nod at her and watch her walk away with him. A few moments shawn slides closer to you, taking it upon himself to involve you in the conversation and soon the whole group is chatting about one thing.

People come and go, as the sky darkens and Becky still hasn’t come back from her ‘deep meaningful conversation’ with Alfie, but your not worried because your with Shawn. It’s so easy to settle back into old patterns with him, playing and joking around as if it hasn’t been 2 years since you had drifted apart.

Soon the only thing illuminating the sky is the large bonfire at the end of the garden, and your tempted to go and sit beside it due to the cold. The drinks keep flowing and soon they start to get the better of people honesty coming in ways you didn’t expect.

“I wish we could go back to year 8” Shawn blurts, turning to face you, drawing the group’s attention, you nod along thinking that its just a general statement before he continues. “Not all these people…no offense” he mutters gesturing to the rest of the group. “Just us.”

“You’re drunk shawn” you laugh awkwardly at him, not entirely sure where this swift turn is headed.

“I mean it, i don’t know what i would have done without you, i wish we could be like that again” he says and your lips part as you rack your brain for a suitable response. “I know you think im only saying this cause im drunk but im not. I promise, in fact im more honest when im drunk”

The boy next to him, who happens to be one of his best friends decided to pipe up, “S’true, he’s told me this stuff before. He genuinely means it.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this now” you mutter patting his arm, “Maybe not when your drunk.”

“No” he insists, “Just listen, i miss talking to you so much, i remember i used to sit outside my room charging my phone so that i could talk to you all night” and you remember doing things like that too, pressing your back against the wall and texting him as quickly as your thumbs would allow and it was almost as if he was what was supporting you, not the wall. “I dont know who i would be without you, you gave me confidence and your the first person i’ve ever connected with, i wouldn’t be the person who i am today without you.”

You go to interrupt him but he just talks louder over you, words spilling from his mouth, tumbling over and over each other, but you know your never going to forget them, or the way they make you feel.

“You’re the person who made me think about anything, talking to you made me think deeper, especially about love. I wish i had tried harder to stop us drifting apart and if all the other boys would just shut up and give you chance they would realise what a cool girl you are.”

You’re gobsmacked that he’s rambling and all you really want to do is hug him, so you squeeze his arm gently and whisper “I miss you too. So so much.”

You can see becky walking towards you and expect that your time with Shawn will be over shortly, and he will forget about this in the morning, especially as Becky is in the spot of Shawn’s life that you were two years ago.

“I love it when you randomly message me about stupid things like problems because i know you trust me. I trust you too, more than anyone ive ever met.” At this point Becky is stood almost directly in front of you but shawn doesn’t seem to notice. “I miss talking to you all the time, you are and always will be the closest friend ive ever had. No one comes close.” You catch Becky’s eye and you know she heard him, a part of you feels terrible but the larger part of you is so overwhelmed by the thought of getting your best friend back that you dont realise the entire group of people you are with are glancing between you , Becky and Shawn.

You half expect Becky to throw something but she doesnt, instead she forces herself into the space between you telling you to “budge over” so she can sit with her two best friends. Your awkwardly shuffling over as far as you can without climbing into the guy next doors lap when shawn speaks again, sounding somewhat confused. “But im talking to Bailey?”

Your jaw practically drops off with shock and you shrug at her when she turns to glare at you, “Your drunk” she states, plopping herself down.

You barely notice when Shawn and his friend leave the group, your mind still reeling as you try to process all your emotions, it’s as if every feeling you have ever felt for him is rushing back to you, you cant help but wonder if it is possible to rekindle the friendship and you resolve to text him tomorrow.

One by one people head off to dance or mingle but you and bella stay put as she fills you in one the details of her chat with Alfie, recounting it sentence by sentence while you produce generic responses, hoping Shawn is coming back because you didn’t get to tell him how you felt, you didn’t want him to think it was all one sided, because it definitely wasn’t. All you wanted when you moved was to talk to him. To message him and be his best friend again. You would have given absolutely anything because he was home to you, everything you had ever wanted or needed, but he wasn’t yours anymore, he was Becky’s.

It’s not long before yet another boy comes and pulls becky off to ‘talk’ to her, and you shake your head, it was always like this at parties, she thought that they were just friends, but as soon as they get drunk there are misplaced kisses flying everywhere that Becky tries so hard to avoid. You wander around looking for India because you don’t feel like sitting alone in the dark.

“Bailey? That you?” You turn your head to the group of boys sat near the fire and quickly spot the one who called you over.

“Jacob?” you ask, squinting in the darkness, before he reaches for you, pulling you into a hug and spinning you round. You laugh breathlessly and start singing your signature song “You spin me right round… baby right round…”

The two of you had become friends during food tech class and formed a fast bond, you stopped him burning his cakes and he helped you out with DT projects. He had always been a cuddly person so you weren’t surprised when her slung his arm over your shoulder and rested his head on top of yours.

The two of you danced together abit before plopping on the floor chatting about all the things you had missed,you spotted shawn sat directly across from you and smiled quickly as he involved himself in the conversation easily. You decided that you would just wait with these guys until Becky was done and ready to leave, or until India came back to the world of the singletons.

Eventually it was just you and shawn again, but you weren’t sure how it had even happened, one moment you were talking to him and the next everyone else was gone. You nibbled on your lip debating whether or not now was a good time to talk about all the things he said earlier when he interrupted you.

Sit with me” he mumbles patting the space next to him, eyes bright as he searches blindly for yours in the darkness.

You laugh at him, head tilting upwards to catch his eye, because even sitting down he was so much taller than you. “I am sitting with you shawn.”

“No,” He mutters, brows furrowing in confusion as he looks at the spot next to him, “right here. Sit here. Closer to me.”

A blush creeps over your cheeks and you’re finally glad that it’s almost pitch black outside, you reach your hand out and brush over the grass in front of you. “Its prickly.” you giggle at him, feeling slightly drunk even though you hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol.

He swipes a large hand across the floor next to him. “S’not, it soft, softer than where you’re sat now.” You shake your head at him in amusement, “Bailey, sit here.” He pleads grabbing your hand in attempt to make you listen to him.

You glance down at his hand, wrapped around yours before relenting, “Fine.” you whisper scooting over to him, taking in his flushed cheeks and sparkling eyes, you settle yourself comfortably on the grass, “Alright?”

“Better” he sighs, shifting slightly so your knee is resting on his thigh, “I miss this” he mumbles, struggling with to keep his words clear with the amount of alcohol coursing through his veins, the truth is you’ve never been drunk telling people it was because you like to remember what happens in your life, tonight is the first time you’ve meant it. Moments like these are the things dreams are made of. “Us being close,” he continues, “just like old times, like history” he continues, “Remember?”

“Of course i remember Shawn” you mumble, leaning into his side.

(Continued)

[angelicxprowess-blog]

Heyyyyyy I kinda wanted to ask a personal question? I wanna write a character who has autism and I was wondering if you could help me? Like if you could just name some things that characterize autism to you personally that would be absolutely amazing tbh. If not that's totally cool I don't wanna pry sorry. Thanks!!

Dont worry!!! I like answering these

Okay well firstly, it does not have specific things to get a diagnoses. Me and both of my brothers are either diagnosed with ASD, or have it suspected, and while mine and the 9 year old’s is more similar, me and the 17 year old’s is completely different.

Most autistics I’ve seen prefer being called an autistic person than a person with autism but I think that's just down to preference. Autistic person is just more common.

There are many many different ways to stim. When I do it its usually cause Im happy, excited or stressed out (and sometimes I do it cause its fun). This can be either hand flapping, jumping, when Im sitting down kicking my legs in the air, hitting my leg, making noises (”ah, ah, ah”), stroking my hair and other stuff. Not a lot of people are understanding and a lot of comments are made, and sadly from what I’ve seen, a given so...

Echolalia! This is where you repeat words and phrases you hear. This can be from a song, the last thing you heard, or just anything you remember. Some autistics only communicate with echolalia, but I dont think that's very common.

Communication is hard. I struggle with working out if people are happy, sad ext just by looking at their face unless its at the extreme, and I cant pick up sarcasm when spoken very well unless I’m told its sarcasm (doesnt stop me from using it though). People can say what they think is an easy question, and I have to think about it step by step which can make it seriously confusing. For example; I know this sounds silly but I struggle with doing the washing and I ALWAYS miss steps, and I have broken down just because there was too much going on. Also sometimes, how I communicate can make things tricky for others. When I was much younger my voice was very flat and didn't have much emotion in it at all (I now make it over exaggerated) which got me into trouble a lot because people couldnt tell when I was joking, when I was being sarcastic or they thought I was always being rude. And my wording still makes things difficult sometimes for people to understand even though to me, what I’m saying is obvious. 

Sensory overload. I’m not sure if its an autism only thing but its common and is hell. This is where there is too much stimulation going on (texture, sound and all that), to the point where you just stop being able to process it all and everything goes to shit tbh. This can either cause stimming to be done while being exhausted, or a tantrum (its not funny: dont act like it is), or the complete stopping of as much sensory stuff as you can. I do a tantrum and stim at the same time which is kinda embarrassing for me.. During this I usually scratch at myself, punch myself, keep crying and screaming, (headbutt walls which hurts), bite at myself and other stuff. I have a pill to calm me down (not for autism: I have really bad anxiety that stops me from being able to leave the house a lot) which mum suggested I try using during it but it doesn't do much...

SI’s! Special Interests. Mine is Kuro which is kinda.. really obvious... This basically means that your interest in it is huge to the point where it could almost be like an obsession.. Most things I’m a fan of reminds me of Kuro is some way. Its pretty much all I draw and write about, and talk about. Also! It doesnt have to be a TV series or game thing; it can be anything. About science, songs, books, history ext ext! The stereotype is trains so.. If you’re gonna make it that please be careful cause it gets :/ They can last either a really long time, or a week. Depends on the person. Kuro has been my SI since I was 13 (5 years), but I’ve had some that only lasted a month.

Eye contact can be evil. Its either “Am I looking too much?” or “I cant look them in the eye am I being rude???”. We dont really understand the balance there...

It can make learning really really difficult if done in a way that doesnt fit you. If you just speak: I'm not gonna remember anything. And if you go too fast: Yeah still not gonna remember anything. This doesnt mean the person is not intelligent, it's just that our brain is wired differently and picks up information differently. If you leave me to learn on my own, I got named one of the top of my class. If it’s a teacher, I got told that I wasnt trying hard enough and was a waste of space (that teacher was an ass). 

Things need to be done in a certain way and if something disrupts this its Bad. I have a very specific routine in the morning and if somebody interrupts it I will not get up and will scream. If I’m reading something, I will talk to you when I want to talk to you and if you interrupt, I wont be able to continue the book from where I was and will have to start it over and will be PISSED. When cleaning everything is done in a very specific order and if you’re still in the room, I just wont do it. If we’re missing something I need, I wont do it. (I haven't cleaned my room in ages cause we dont have the hoover rn). This doesnt mean you are organised btw!! Just things gotta be done in a certain way.

One of the things I do is refer to myself in third person a lot. I’m not really sure why this is, but its like 

Friend: Are you tired..?

Me: Lizzie’s tired... She needs sleep

I know a few other autistic people who do this, so I’m pretty sure its because of that! I think some people do do it just to join it but xD But I don't think its very common so :/ Not many people use it in books or tv unless a character is playing so ;u;

Since some people think this and its... really wrong. Age regression isn't a symptom of autism. You can be autistic and regress, but it’s not a symptom. Also while its true for me and my 9 year old brother, you don't inherently act younger than your actual age, though that can be a symptom (When I was a lot younger (5-7) I had to go to a special class because of this although we didnt know what caused it then). Though since a lot of people see it has inherent, I would avoid that.

If the character acts like Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory, change them as soon as you can. (Biggest walking offensive stereotype) Ngl my favourite character that is confirmed autistic is Christian Wolff from The Accountant, although there is some stereotypes (Math being the SI, complete stoicness, also there are signs that the therapy he went to is ABA which freaked me out and him doing this thing to CAUSE an overload (Flashing Lights, way too loud metal music and scraping a metal bar up and down his leg) its pretty good!!! (Also guns and explosions)

Autism speaks is shit. Do not support that crap. They do more harm than good and act like its a disease, which its not. You cant cure it, its just how your brain is wired and there is nothing you can do about it so *shrug*. ABA is bad too and traumatises its patients (that's where they train you to act allistic (non-autistic). You’re either born with it, or you don't have it (Doesnt mean you can only be diagnosed young. You can be diagnosed at any point in life, although its easier when you’re younger. Mine keeps being put off from being finished (even though I’ve been told I am) because to the world, I’m a feminine girl and we apparently cant be autistic which is bullshit, and because I was nearly 18 (we’re gonna finish it soon).

I think this should be enough... If you need anymore please feel free to ask xD 

[oneandonlypaper]

My Daily Routine

I’ve talked about my routine before on Instagram, but I’ve recently made a few tweaks, and I thought I’d share it here. I feel like having a solid morning routine locked down is so important to set yourself up for success during the day. My husband recently changed jobs, and with that came a pretty dramatic shift in his morning schedule, and it took me months to realize that the reason I felt so scattered and off track was that my morning was all over the place!

I wake up around 7:30 and try to get out of bed around 8 - I need a lot of sleep, and I have a hard time going to bed any earlier than 11, so I’ve just embraced that I’m a sleep monster and I don’t need to get up any earlier than that! It takes me forever to wake up, so I’ll just roll with it. Sometimes I’ll read, and other times I’ll play on my phone, which I know isn’t what you’re supposed to do but whatever. The hard line I draw is looking at work stuff. No email or todos!

I don’t spend a lot of time in the morning getting ready, usually I just wear workout clothes. I try to go to yoga classes over lunch most days, so it makes that transition a little easier/faster.

I’ll chug a glass of water, and do a few quick chores around the house - making the bed, picking things up, setting out anything I’ll need that day… I work best in a clean environment, and for whatever reason, the morning is when I have the energy to do those mindless tasks, so I try to embrace it.

Then, David and I will take Caspian for a walk. This has been a real gamechanger for me - I used to walk him in the evenings and it would always be sooo hard to drag myself away from my work, and it felt like it cut into our evening time. This way, Caspian always gets a nice long walk, and David and I have a chance to get out into the sunshine, talk about our day ahead, and get moving a little before a long day of hunching over the computer. It’s super nice.

After our walk, I start working right away - usually, it’s around 9 at this point. I have been planning out my days in advance in Asana, so I just dive right into the biggest task that I have to complete, and go from there. I’ve stopped checking my emails in the mornings, which is super hard. I realized I was addicted to my email! It triggers the same response you get when you’re playing slots - usually, there’s nothing that exciting going on in there, but every once in a while you get a real good email - praise from a client, a new client signing on, pictures from a wedding… and that rush of positive emotion keeps you going back for me. However, I realized that I ultimately didn’t feel like I was in control of my day. I was rushing from one task to another, putting out other people’s fires, or just looking at emails and not doing anything about them, and letting them take up space in my brain. Instead, now I begin by checking tasks off my daily list, and I don’t check my email until I’ve completed those tasks. I also try to use the ‘only touch it once’ rule when it comes to my email. I read it and deal with whatever associated tasks it brings up, and then get it out of my inbox. It’s helped me spend significantly less time on email, and I think my response times are probably better as well.

I’ll work until lunchtime, and then it’s time to head to a yoga class. I try to go to yoga every day, mostly because I like my schedule to be predictable. It’s a good break during the day, and it’s nice to get away from my computer and have the structure of a scheduled event keeping me on track in the morning. After yoga, I’ll shower and actually get dressed, and then eat a quick lunch.

Usually, in the afternoons, I’ll head to a coffee shop. I love working from coffee shops - something about other people being able to look at my screen helps me stay a little more focused, and I like the energy of being around other people, and the privacy of none of those people wanting or needing to interrupt me.

I usually stop working around 6 or 7, depending on what my schedule is looking like that day. I am most productive in the late afternoons, and I’ve learned that it’s best just to ride that wave, instead of trying to fight it.

After I’m done for the day, my evenings are pretty all over the place. Sometimes I’ll cook dinner and we’ll enjoy a quiet night at home, other times I’ll be hot to do more work (I know, pretty exciting), and we like to try to see our friends or family a few nights a week as well.

I usually go to bed around 11 or 12, and I try to wind down by reading in bed before I go to sleep. Sometimes this does not work if I’m reading a particularly exciting book, other times it takes me like months to get through a boring book because it will put me right out.

And that’s my typical day! I’d love to hear about your routine in the comments if you made it this far. I think it’s so interesting to hear how other people manage their time and their tips and tricks for making it through the day. Hopefully, I’m not the only one!

[viralhottopics]

YA author Mindy McGinnis returns to the book world with new epic fantasy novel ‘Given to the Sea’

Image: Penguin Young Readers

Sometimes the best way to follow a hit novel is to switch things up and try something completely different.

Or at least that’s the case with YA author Mindy McGinnis and her latest book, epic fantasy novel Given to the Sea.

SEE ALSO: ‘All Our Wrong Todays’ is your next fast-reading, mind-expanding, science fiction romance

The novel follows four intertwined characters Khosa, Vincent, Donil and Witt as each struggles to confront fate and loyalty in the warring kingdom of Stille. At the center of the story is Khosa, a girl destined to sacrifice herself to the sea to save her village. After surviving an attack on her village, Khosa is taken to safety at the royal palace in Stille where she finds herself enmeshed in a love triangle or probably more apt, love square that could alter not only her own fate but the fate of her kingdom.

“I had this idea that writing fantasy would be easy because I get to make up all the rules, no research required. Not true,” explains McGinnis. “In fantasy, nothing is a given, nothing is assumed. I have to do a lot of explaining… and keep that interesting. I’ve written post-apocalyptic, historical, contemporary, and now fantasy. Fantasy is by far the hardest.”

The book comes fresh off the heels of McGinnis’ 2016 contemporary YA novel Female of the Species. The novel followed Alex, a teenage girl who seeks vigilante justice on the sexual abusers in her town. Female of the Species was much acclaimed at the time of its release for its exploration of feminism, sexual violence and justice. (The MashReads Podcast actually recommended it. Twice.)

It’s this juxtaposition contemporary YA to fantasy that may shock McGinnis’ fans picking up her latest book. Yet McGinnis teases that Given to the Sea contains something for all types of readers.

“There’s something for everyone here – romance, gruesome deaths, magic, sword fights, scary animals, and inevitable death.”

Given to the Sea doesn’t come out until April 11. In the meantime, check out a sneak peek of the book’s first two chapters below.

Image: Penguin Young Readers

Chapter 1Khosa

It is in my blood.

It is in my bone.

It is in my brain.

One day my body will betray me, dancing into the sea, my mind a passenger only. The water will close over my head and I will drown, my death bringing a reprieve for those who are not me. This is what Ive been born and bred for. The food passing into my mouth, the clothes covering my body, every breath I drawthese are smaller offerings, each a promise that I will endure, bear my own cursed daughter, and then succumb.

How that will happen I do not know. My mother suffered the touch of another at least once, long enough to fulfill her duties and bring me about. I know it was badly done. I see it in the faces of my Keepers, these people who care for me without caring. I hear the small things in their voices. They worry I will not be pleasing to the sea, that my mother and her chosen mate created something less than perfect. I understand their concern, but cannot share it. Why should I care if the tides rise again, if I am only a corpse riding the waves?

To live aware of your own doom is no easy thing. I spend my days at lessons, my body fulfilling the expected duties, though my mind is elsewhere. The Keepers are worried that I have not prepared well, have not set my face in the appropriate response to their commands. Happy, for instance, is an emotion I cannot be expected to parade, but they tell me it is necessary. Melancholy I excel at.

My mother and grandmother had other lessons, ones to please at table and dancing. Proper chewing, proper speaking, proper walkingonly expected, of course, when we are in control of our limbs. My lessons have taken a different course, my other instructors quietly dismissed once I learned all that was expected.

All except how to contort my stone face appropriately.

The Keepers have tried, their emotions chasing through their faces so quickly I cant keep up, my own trying to mirror what I see. They say to me, Pleased, but look nothing like it themselves, and I am easily confused on this point. So I often retreat, my mind escaping the room where I learn to mimic emotion, returning itself to some well-ordered facts absorbed from a musty book, its scent still lingering on my fingers, a source of comfort.

Their pages follow me through the day, their words imprinted on my mind. I know the history of my land better than the Scribes, better than the royals who rule it. I can recite the names of my predecessors, from the woman who gave birth to me all the way to Medalli, one of the Three Sisters whom the sea gave back after the wave that took nearly all. Seaweed was pulled from their hair, their locks drying as they worked alongside other survivors to rebuild what had washed away, not knowing they would be taken again, the first of the Given.

The sea waited until the sisters had married and had children of their own before it called for them, the price of its leniency the blood of their line. For the children went too, and their children after them, the first twitches of their childhood pulling them toward the water, the final coordinated movements driving them deep into the waves, the dance of death one their kingdom deemed the will of the sea. And so it continues. Their footprints in the sand not returning, my feet now itching to follow. Medallis linemineremains strong, the other two Sisters falling short, the last names in their column females who did not produce heirs, the ink that wrote them now faded with time.

I rub my fingers together, drawing the scent of the book pages from them as my male Keeper says, Sad. Sad I can perform, closing my eyes and picturing my name, Khosa, the ink slightly darker than my mothers name before me, Sona.

Dont close your eyes, he says.

I open them again to see my Keepers, their faces so easily read.

Disappointment.

Chapter 2Vincent

Im sorry you have to wait, my lord.

Not a concern, I answer the guard, but my eyes are on my hands, the clean nails freshly clipped, the smoothness of my palms interrupted by the lines that Madda insists hold my future.

In any kingdom other than Stille, the future of a prince wouldnt need to be read in his hands. It would be clear in his actions, the preparations taken to ensure he sits the throne well, does his duty, leads his country. Somewhere else I would be wed already, the announcement of my own child eagerly anticipated, the girl I keep on the side politely excused, with her pockets lined for her trouble. Instead I sit outside the throne room at the age of seventeen, awaiting my turn to speak to King Gammalmy grandfatherhealthy, hearty, capable. At his side, my father Prince Varrick, already gray and lined, but still sitting in the lower throne.

I shift on the wooden bench, and the trapman next to me slides farther away, the smell of sea salt rising from his clothes. Im sorry, my lord. Do you need more room?

More than enough room, I insist, patting the space between us.

Hes quiet for a moment, and the lady on the bench next to ours fills the hall with the clicking of her wooden knitting needles. One foot rests casually on the ball of coarse wool beneath her feet to keep it from rolling away as she works. Shes assured, content. As a citizen of Stille, she is entitled to speak to the king, and her turn will come. Eventually.

I look back at my empty hands and the lines that Madda the Seer wrinkles her brow at. Her answers to my questions are always vague and muttered.

Am I right to say my lord? the trapman asks. Is that what youre called?

The words it doesnt matter are half formed in my throat, but I choke them back.

The womans needles continue to click. Her hands are gnarled and work-worn, but her color is good, and the hat she is knitting small. For a grandchild. Or great-grandchild. They are lucky to have her. I tell myself these things every day: Stille is fortunate. Stille is healthy. Stille is strong. Years of peace and prosperity mean that the old linger and the middle-aged flourish, while the young inherit only boredom and aimlessness.

Just Vincent, I say, finally answering the trapmans question. No title necessary.

Youre of royal blood, the woman says, not glancing up from her work. It should not be taken lightly.

No… My voice fades away. I have no words to explain succinctly, only memories from my childhood when I was called the baby prince, and then the young prince, and now theres a hesitation, a slight pause before acknowledging my rank. There is no name for the third in line, one whose hands will wither with age long before they hold the scepter.

Ive come to hate the blank space before my given name, the deferential glance of the servants as they search for a title that represents nothing. So I make it easier for them, and for myself.

Just Vincent, I reassert. The old woman makes a disapproving noise in her throat and keeps knitting. The trapman smiles at me, his teeth even, strong, and white in a face lined with wrinkles.

Im Agga. He holds out a bent hand, gnarled from years of pulling in the crab traps, the lengthy ropes rubbing it raw. Even the trapmen dont go into the water, letting the tides carry out the traps. His skin feels of age and the scars of work, years of absorbed salt water pressing back against the softness of my own hands.

How is the sea, Agga? I ask.

He shakes his head. Eating the beach with hunger. Well be needing her thats given to the sea, and soon.

I will pass that along, I say. I dont add that my voice doesnt carry in the great hall, only echoes back into my ears.

Here to do it myself, Agga says, and I wonder if he followed my thought.

I saw when the last one was given, the woman says. She danced beautifully.

They all have, Agga says.

But their faces, they do… twist, the woman adds, her own mimicking the memory, a brief mask of horror that slides off easily as she counts her stitches.

Do they want to go? I ask.

Agga shrugs. Its their own feet taking them. No one in Stille makes them go. Were not the Pietra, feeding sea monsters with the flesh of their aged.

No. The woman shudders, dropping the first stitch since Ive sat here. Were not the Pietra.

Theres laughter in the throne room. It reverberates under the closed doors, my grandfathers hearty one underscored by my fathers, which has never ceased to produce goose bumps on my skin, even in a lifetime of hearing it.

Im sorry you have to wait, my lord, the guard says again.

Not a concern, I repeat, looking back at my hands, where lifelines extend forever, marching right off the palm.

Waiting is what Im good at.

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from YA author Mindy McGinnis returns to the book world with new epic fantasy novel ‘Given to the Sea’