#im trying to cough up a fic for the explosion/hypothermia prompt and i have a big fat nothing

[autisticlancemcclain]

Every single day of this stupid, godforsaken roadtrip, Lance had to hold back a death joke. It was genuinely harder than being in the closet. Like, sure. When he was in the closet he had to bite his tongue every time he parked a car. He had to avert his eyes every time he saw the fucking light refract (rainbow jokes are some of his best material). Not outing yourself with a gay joke is beyond difficult, it’s true. 

But pretending he never went into the light? A whole lot harder. 

They accidentally fly through an asteroid storm the size of a sun, and Hunk panics about being about to die? The words ‘been there, done that’ were literally on their way out of his stupid, big mouth before he choked them back. Camping on a planet, and Pidge jokingly telling him to stay alive when he goes to get firewood? He’s never wanted quip back so badly in his life (well, ‘life’. Life 2.0. The second time around. The sequel. Numero dos. Holy shit, Lance needs an audience sworn to secrecy so he can get these jokes out of his system once and for all before he ruins himself).

But, Lance, you might be asking, why do you have to hold these jokes back? Aren’t they kind of funny, if not lightly concerning?

Great question! Lance is holding the jokes back because he’s a coward who’s terrified of emotional vulnerability. He’s actually less scared of death, and that’s not even an exaggeration anymore! It’s just… he’s sure his team loves him. Kinda. Mostly. But Lance has been sorta distant from his team, lately. They don’t really talk much. At first it was because of the whole Lotor, seventh-wheel situation, but now he just doesn’t feel like he has much in common with them anymore. There’s also the fact that no one really seems to want him around. 

Like, he used to consider Hunk and Pidge his closest friends. They hung out all the time, he felt like he could trust them with anything. But it’s been kind of rough, for the past few months. They don’t seem to enjoy his company, and he was sure it was just his insecurities talking for a while, but then they made plans right in front of him without including him, so. He knows when he’s not really wanted. Allura kind of goes without saying. He’s a little raw around her right now, so it’s understandable that he wants to put some distance between them. He doesn’t even know Krolia or Romelle, so he’s obviously not gonna talk about anything with them. Keith made it abundantly clear who and what was important, and Lance did not make that list. 

Shiro’s a whole other can of worms. He knows, objectively, that nothing was Shiro’s fault. Shiro hasn’t even technically been around for months. But every time he looks at him, all he can see is Shiro’s snarling face and hard eyes: 

“Stay quiet, Lance, I didn’t ask you!”

“Lance, if we wanted your opinion you’d hear about it.”

“Actually, we don’t need you for this mission, Lance. Just stay in the castle.”

There’s also the debilitating guilt he feels whenever he hears Shiro’s voice. God, Lance heard him in the astral plane, and what did he do? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. He officially has the reward for the most useless paladin in the universe. 

And usually closeness wouldn’t really stop him from jokes – he likes to be the funny one, regardless of how well he knows a group of people – but Lance knows himself well enough to realise he isn’t holding back the death jokes because he’s too uncomfortable around the team. 

He’s holding back the jokes because he’s terrified, down to the very core of him, that the team will find out about his death and they won’t care. 

Right now it’s kind of Schrodinger’s Shitty Situation. The team simultaneously knows about Lance’s death and they don’t, and Lance making a death joke is the metaphorical opening of the box. And he is way, way too scared to open that box. So it stays sealed in the back corner of his mind. So long as it’s sealed Lance can hold on to the hope that the team cares about him, at least a little. At least until he gets back to Earth and to people he knows love him, so he doesn’t feel so lonely.