#im treating tumblr like my personal diary sorry people that follow me and see this on their dash

[lillianlilie]

THE PROBLEM IS that i would probably be fine if i didnt get top surgery. i would. yes my posture would be horrible and i would probably have really bad back pain as soon as im in my thirties but it would be fine. im great at compartmentalising. but then i think about the joy i felt the first time i wore my binder. i think about the fact that i actually love wearing slutty clothes and tops! and that i cant because it makes me miserable. i think about the front guy of fable cry wearing skin tight see through shirts and how badly I WANT TO WEAR THEM. and not worry about them not fitting because my binder isnt able to flatten my boobs down enough and even if it would I WANT TO WEAR THAT AND NOT HAVE TO COVER MY CHEST. i think about how i can only think of myself as a woman or a girl and how incredibly uncomfortable those terms are. theyre not true but i have boobs and a hourglass shape and i know it doesnt mean anything but whenever i want to call myself he i think of my body and automatically correct myself. and i think about how the people i get the most gender envy from are middle aged men dressing like theyre noble men from the nineteenth century. and i cant picture myself like them because i cant grow a beard or wear vests without seeing a hint of my boobs. and then i think i have to get top surgery because i dont think life has a reason or a meaning so your only job is trying to be happy and living a life worth living because what else is there? and if its my responsibility to be happy then i want to get top surgery. but whenever i talk to people about it they always say that its too early and that i need to think about it more but i have been thinking about it since i was 14 and my opinion never changed that I WOULD BE HAPPIER WITH IT. i would be happier with it. but i dont need it. i would be fine without. i havent gotten really bad dysphoria attacks in years now. i would always hate looking in the mirror but i would be fine. so i cant decide yet. because is that imagined happiness really worth mutilating myself like my family says? (thanks dad.) i dont know. i want to think it is. i want to believe so bad that it would be fine. that its like dying my hair black, where i did it once and never looked back. but i dont know. maybe at some time ill miss my boobs. and i think its harder to seem like i have boobs than it is to just bind them. but i cant imagine a situation where that would be the case. i cant imagine a situation where i would regret it. but im scared of taking that chance.