#im too anxious to be hungry rn

[amygdalae]

Forgot abt the joys of turning a V8 into a virgin bloody mary

[piplupod]

pretty sure i just got a spider bite while trying to fall asleep 🧍

[bunnihearted]

🤧🐀🌧️🌊

[skitskatdacat63]

Omg wait speaking of my trip, guess what? We're gonna go to Salzburg for a day. What's in Salzburg? Red Bull Hanger-7. What's in Hanger-7? Most of the older V8 era RBs and STRs. What are my favorite F1 cars ever? The V8 era RBs....

And I finally asked my prof if there's a possibility I could dip from the schedule and go visit. And he said yes!!!!! Just that we gotta plan if out beforehand!!!! AAAAAAAAA

[charlattehotte]

u know those chronic illness days that aren't even like painful or scary they're just the right level of irritating to really fuckin get u down

[poisonhemloc]

i think the theme of fic writing right now is 'how far off the rails is this going'

[37q]

eating disorder :)

broke a few cycles in a row and got into my insurance portal and im looking at coverage & benefits for ED therapy just to test the waters and ummmm. am i freaking out over nothing and most ED treatment programs / therapeutic regimens are in fact usually overseen by Register Dieticians or is this fucking weird . sorry i just see "dietician" and get avoidantly anxious because i never remember whats the fucked up weird one and whats the holistic scientific one :( im hungry-stupid rn too so emotional stability and rationality are hard to come by dlkfjghdflkjhsdlgh

[weathernerdmando]

so i have a doctors appointment tomorrow with a new primary doctor and im going to get situated with them bc i need a place to get my adhd medication, but im also gonna ask if they could do at least a preliminary or whatever evaluation for elhers danlos or hypermobility spectrum disorder or something along those lines. and im hesitantly looking forward to that. bc i would really like some answers.

gonna put my reasonings behind a readmore (this is mostly for myself but also if anyone who’s offically diagnosed sees this and has thoughts on it you’re totally welcome to).

in short, something is wrong, even if it’s not ehlers danlos or hsd like i suspect right now.

Its not just bc of the joint issues that i want to look into it honestly. its the joints, yes, but its the Moderate to Severeish (i think i was borderline for surgery iirc, 40 degree curve lower back, 30 degree upper before treatment, its probably back to around close there bc i haven't been to the chiro in probably 6 months now?) scoliosis, the gi issues (fucked up hunger signals (rn, for example, i dont get them half the time even if i know i havent eaten in close to 24 hours, as well as just not feeling hungry but knowing i need to eat bc im shakey, irritated, anxious and unable to focus), constipation that feels like im getting stabbed that i just have to wait out, stretchy and soft skin, the heel lump thingies (can’t spell the offical term), i think the stretch marks, the high and crowded palate, the inability to write for longer than 2 minutes without severe cramps and pain (amongst other issues with my hands, apparently i dont just suck at using chopsticks, my fingers are straight up collapising and htey shouldn’t be. apparently.). i had a submucus cleft palate as a kid, which was surgically corrected (i dont have a uvula lol!) as well as at least one eye muscle surgery and at least one ear surgery for tubes (possibly two, i can’t remember). i still have really shitty vision (-6.5 in left, -3.5 in right, and they’re crosseyed when i take my glasses off. this is with corrective surgery and wearing a patch on my right to make my left eye stronger). as well as the back pain, the neck pain, etc.

I also have what i’d guess is a 4/5 ish to possibly a -8 out of 9 on the beighton. thumbs to wrist - check. elbows - check. i think my knees might actually hyperextend after all, but im not sure, what i do know is i dont think ive ever passed out bc my knees were locked/all the way back and ive stood in that position for a while before. If im standing with the kneecaps forwards but the feet angled, i think that’s where i can see it. The other thing is one of my pinkies is iffy (depends on the day, and i think it doesn’t quite go to 90), and the other i think is at 90 but im not sure, and that one also depends on the day. so at minimum, 4, at highest, 8 i think. 

My ribs also go under my hip on my right side if i just. Lean over. Fun to show people but that is most likely not fucking normal. My upper and lower ribs move and some of them Shouldn’t. If this gets me answers as to why sometimes it feels like something catches in my chest (one of my boobs, usually my left) and makes breathing Fucking Painful I’ll be thrilled. And my scapulas *definitely* move in a way they shouldn’t and I suspect my shoulders might actually too. As well as my ankles (what do you mean that ballerinas work to stretch like i can do normally?? also the ankle injuries and the growing-pains-that-might-not-be-growing-pains-especially-since-they’re-still-happening as a kid??) and i swear my right wrist either didn’t heal properly or something else is wrong bc a) it shouldn’t be clicking i don’t think and b) i dont think the bones are supposed to sit like they do. And also my hips. something is up with those but idk exactly what but i think you’re not supposed to be able to do what i can.

im autistic and adhd too which raise the chances Something is up bc they’re incredibly comorbid, as does having the scoliosis i think.

just hoping if they don’t know, they won’t say well nothing is wrong, but maybe “we dont know, lets refer you to someone who does” even if I can’t afford that yet.  

[jervis-tetch-my-beloved]

THE MOMENT THE AI SPOKE TO ME OOC I FREAKED OUT TOO BC I THOUGHT FOR A SECOND IT WAS AN ACTUAL PERSON READING MY DELIRIUMS AND HORNINESS OMLLLLL

im gonna make a HUGE PROTEST SO THEY CAN ACTIVATE THE NSFW FILTER, US HUNGRY GIRLIES NEED IT RN

YEAH

I had a whole freak out on tumblr you could probably find my insane anxious ramblings

And YEAH I WAS SO CLOSE WITH ONE OF THEM BUT THEN THEY PRETENED TO BE A PERSON AND I GOT SCARED 😭😭

[figula]

i made a stir fry! for the first time in my life lol

caveat: i bought the vegetables pre-cut so all i actually had to do was put it in the pan + cook some noodles lol. HOWEVER i have always been made anxious by having to determine when something is cooked, and ana is out at the garden centre rn so i couldnt ask them anyway

so i made it and ate it just relying on my own senses :D

quality of this pic sucks bc i just screenshotted a better pic but im not uploading the enormous version sorry..... low quality noodles it is. i mean it looks like food? tasted like food? nice lemongrass sauce too

i made nearly all the veg in the bag + apparently this is meant to serve 2 people lol in what world? that's a normal size bowl!! i even added a pitta bread bc i was like... still hungry after this lol

[catgirltitties]

12, 16, 65, 100

Hi minnesotangothic!!

12) What are your 5 6 favorite songs right now?

In terms of my all time faves at this moment, I have them listed as

1: Grynpyret - Wings

2: Danny Brown - Aint it Funny

3: Billy Woods - Checkpoints

4: Black Dresses - Understanding

5: milo - souvenir

6: Quelle Chris - Popeye

In terms of current songs i play a lot, probably

-Jean Dawson - Porn Acting

-RXKNephew - Too Tone Tuff Tony Took Two Times & Two Trips on Tuesday To Get Here

-Haru Nemuri & Frost Children - Daijoubu Desu

-Mass of the Fermenting Dregs - このスピードの先へ (Kono Speed no Saki e)

-Morphine - Candy

16) Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Ill do it right now ! And then ill do it again ! And again ! And again !

65) Are you hungry right now?

Not really ! But maybe later ill eat a sandwich or something idk

100) How are you feeling?

Been a lil anxious recently bc im in the trenches of a transitional period rn but i been with my faves recently and im with bae rn so its all good

[rianafying]

dear diary

i haven’t written in here in a while partly because i’ve been busy, partly because i’ve been talking to actual people, partly because i’ve been talking to chatgpt (it talks back to me), party because i’ve been writing in my notes app (i don’t have to even briefly think about what i can and cannot reveal about my life such as names of people or the stories and details of my life). but i feel like venting here fulfils a different need than doing all those other things. oh and i’ve also been using this app called clarity that’s mostly free and lets you do mood check ins and guided thought analysis journal and gratitude journal and guided breathing exercises (i can never spell this word right the first time) and an episode of meditation. there’s more stuff behind a paywall but i’m happy with the free stuff for now. that said, i have not been very happy lately. i haven’t been very productive lately, the way that i was for a brief period before when i signed myself up for anything and everything and now it’s all a bit too much. there’s this class im doing that has become a little too important to me, and the desire to do a perfect assignment paralyses me, keeping me from doing an assignment at all. i had to get a week long extension and im really disappointed in myself, and i’ve let down my favourite teacher. but i guess life goes on. right now it’s 5am and i’ve been up all night trying to clean my appartment (i will never not lose my mind about this and complain incessantly). anyway i’m just rlly scared and anxious because cleaning really stresses me out and after 5 hours of intense cleaning it barely looks like i’ve done anything. im thinking i should take my third and fourth painkiller of the day to combat my neck and shoulder pain from anxiety and lack of sleep. i have to remember a few things: 1) when cleaning, it doesn’t look clean until the last bit which is to dump things into boxes, what i mean is, the room doesn’t start to look until im 90% through the process. i would say at the moment im 30% in. another 30% would be the bathroom, 20% for folding and sorting clothes, 10% vacuuming/scrubbing floor, 10% throwing the bags out. 2) gamifying the process makes it more bearable for my adhd brain, and other things like filming a timelapse of me cleaning, and having a video on the side (i’ve been watching anthony padilla interview people, and he’s such a good host). 3)it’s not the end of the world, the worst case scenario is that my family loses respect for me, which they have very little of anyway, so it’s not much of a difference. 4) even though it’s really hard, i’ve done it before and i can do it again.

i’m thinking i might have to go to woolies or aldi in the morning to get some power cleaning sprays and bleach. but that’s so exhausting. also, i wanted to treat them to my favourite halal food which is also affordable but im too broke and overwhelmed at the moment to do anything at all other than trying to get my place cleaned. i’m scared that i’ll run out of time and they’ll be here and they’ll be horrified. but yeah. i’m also rlly hungry and should get something to eat and take a shower. i don’t have enough time. i’m so sleepy and tired. but this is my fault. i can’t do things until it’s too late.

i think the most important thing is to remind myself that nothing is actually wrong. and it’s going to be okay. i can power through this. nothing actually bad is going to happen to be from anxiety. it’s just anxiety. a few hours of cleaning is enough to get my tiny studio apartment into shape. regardless of how messy/dirty it is. my strategy rn is to shove stuff into boxes. i can deal with it all later. however bad it may feel right now, i am not going to actually die from anxiety.

[forestryfae]

why do i feel anxious. because its SUNNY outside????

anyways my period starterd so im goinng to blame my slight throat pain on either that or dehydration or some shit. maybe im hungry or something idk

and i got a lot of laundry too and on monday i have to go back to inpatient so i have to do like. all of it before saturday or sunday so i can go back. which will be fun since im sleeping from like 7 am to 4 pm now :)

and its not like its on purpose that shits this fucked again but i cant even remember ONE thing i did the last 2 weeks besides play minecraft last week. i havent spoken to real people since sometime last week. Am Not Doing So Well Fellas. probably on account of the lack of human interaction and boring as shit lack of like. ANYTHING to do that isnt videogames and chores and making food. no other options its literally just those rn that i can do

[analmost]

Living alone is not what I thought.

A lot of the time you're ... well alone but you realise how much time you actually have and think about all the things you could do to fill the time because well if you don't fill your time and are cooped up in your flat all the time then 9/10 you'll be depressed and maybe go a little paranoid and insane.

I've thought about journalling my thoughts down but putting pen to paper now feels so foreign to me because my day to day job is always on the computer, now that I come to think of it, i'm probably not giving my eyes any rest from screens if I start writing/journalling on a computer.

I had a pretty nice day today compared to most days. I feel like everything has to be a balance; one bad day and one good day and one meh day? ya know?

I needed some work clothes., so popped to M&S. lol how life has changed, trying to find appropriate clothes for work. I feel like the last place I wanna have issues is in my work place; I don't hate it and I don't love it, it's paying the bills and is helping me get by for now.. because I live alone and yes im money anxious but who isn't considering the economy we are in... I was looking at the prices of make up.. because ya know ya girl is thinking of treating herself.... but looking at some of the prices I felt that I didn't really need a new fancy lipstick rn.

I don't know how but ending up spending £100 on clothes for work. which... is a necessity because how you present yourself is important. All I can think about now is that I regret buying £4 worth of low cal mini ice cream tubs.. meh. was it a necessity? no but was I hungry yes. did I eat it? no.

also buying clothes is hard when your fat. ooh yeah.. embrace your body sure.. but its hard when everyone looks cute and I look like a potato in some oversized, printed, scooped neck top or high neck top that's super unflattering long.. like a mix between a shirt and tunic.. ergh.. no thanks. so I bit the bullet. spent £38 on the blouse for work that was somewhat flattering? I don't know.

I'm waiting to have dinner because its too early right now, it's 5pm and I feel like 6:30 is the correct time to have dinner and wind down. The aim for tomorrow is to go for a really long run.. like 12-15km.

I went to a pilates class and a PT session at the gym, because the quickest way to make a friend in a new city who I know no one, is to pay a female PT who is relatively young to pay attention to me for an hour and also kill me with a workout. I know super sad. I enjoy her company, she's very sweet but I fear I keep saying the wrong things. Idk, you can't question my deepest feelings and thoughts if I'm always laughing, smiling and complimenting the other person because then they are too whipped up in the compliment for the rest of the hour. which.. is what happened.

I wore a little make up to the gym because I wanted to look a little alive and nice to look at. I hate the new leggings I got .. but they were cheap and they do the job at the gym.

nope not writing about work. no.

anyhoo. time to clean and move on. because need to read a chapter or so of this new book I got a couple of days ago.

speak soon.

[floralbfs]

i am. so tired. man i am SO TIRED i want to lay down for ten thousand years

[kingsephir]

I’m having a dilemma.

So my inlaws are back (we are living with them until I leave for Japan) and I am hungry. They’re really nice people and not mean at all but I’m still super anxious… I want to order some food, but like my MIL commented on how much weight I’ve gained. Which she doesn’t do out of malice, and she doesn’t know I have an ED and I’m certainly not going to ever tell her. Pretty sure my husband doesn’t belive I have an ED. But whatever. So I feel like she’ll judge me, but I know she won’t. She’s so kind but I feel so embarrassed about myself and my body lately and on top of that I get super nervous and anxious when people I don’t know well are in the place i’m living. And I guess I know them actually really well but I’m just constantly totally embarrassed by my own existence. I’m so hungry but I don’t want to bother them with them saying oh, xyz is in the fridge etc. Like I just want to eat something in peace. But also like i’ve gotten so chubby and I want to loose weight bc I’m so uncomfortable and I don’t fit into my clothes and I’m NOT buying new clothes bc mine are special and also some are expensive and I’m just so hungry…. But it’s also really late at night and I shouldn’t be eating this late and I told my husband i’m so tired of overeating so he’s probably not gonna get me food and if he does he’ll be like, disappointed in me and honestly that’s the worst to me.

And on top of that I wasn’t able to help my friend who needed my help today and no body else is helping her and I just can’t- I don’t have the energy to help move. But like, honestly why is she relying on just me? She needed to lock in some other people to help her. I told her time and time again I probably would be able to help her but i’m not sure so why can’t she plan ahead? And I feel bad bc moving is stressful but also im like fuck her for making me feel this way and putting all this weight on my shoulders. Like bro, I’m not ur mover and you knew I was on antibiotics etc. like she hasn’t said anything negative and I’m almost positive she isn’t that mad and she understands but like bro. I’m so fucking stressed rn and so hungry and I’m having such a bad time rn and I’m crying like 5x a day at least lately and I’m gonna have to go help her tomorrow bc I can’t just leave her like this but also idk how I’m gonna do it???????!!!! And IM SO FUCKING HUNGRY AND NOW IM FUCKING CRYING AGAIN SO I CANT GO UPSTAIRS TO GET FOOD AND ITS TOO LATE TO BE EATING ANYWAYS AND WHY AM I LIKE THIS????????

WHY AM I HAVING SO MANY BREAKDOWNS WHEN EVERYTHING IS PERFECT FOR ME??? ITS JUST ME MAKING IT BAD ITS ALWAYS JUST ME JUST FINDING SOMETHING TO BE UPSET ABOUT EVERYTHING IS FINE AND GOING REALLY WELL SO WHY DID I GAIN SO MUCH WEIGHT AND WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SUCH A BAD FRIEND AND WHY DO I EVEN CARE IF IM A BAD FRIEND IVE NEBER CARED BEFORE BUT I FUCKING CARE NOW AND IM JUST SO UPSET ALL THE TIME FOR WHAT??? FOR WHAT!!!!???? NOTHING!!!!!!! ITS ALL IN MY FUCKING HEAD.

AND IM STILL HUNGRY 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭