#im tired of hearing abt how horrible they are as were sitting here in a tied game in a second series of the playoffs like

[3416]

every commentator in sports hates the leafs so much it's fucking wild

[haijimee]

It Should Be You

authors note: um i love tobio bcuz hes so blunt and mean <333 but here <33 i couldn't figure out a name for the bitch so meiko ig?? idfk im terrible w names dhmu

cw/tw: slight??angst?? if u squint??, fluff bcuz that's what im all abt, uh, some naughty words (watch ur mouth tobio >:(( ), uh plastic ass hoe??? fuckin shit up???, childhood friends to lovers <333, DW HAPPY ENDING!!!

song to listen to: Home to Me (Live) , Devil & The Deep Blue Sea

[Tobio Kageyama x Female Reader]

He didn't get it. Why was this happening to him? His teammates told him that getting in a relationship would be enjoyable, so he did, with this girl named Meiko in his class, who wore hair extensions and way too much makeup. She was the first girl to confess to him after the conversation so he said yes.

But why was she so fucking annoying? He could hardly stand it. Sure he had a short temper but she made it even shorter. Always whining and complaining about everything!

"Tobioooo!! I said I wanted to go the the PINK café! This is red!!!"

"Tobioooo!! Why are you practicing right now?! You should be taking me on a dateeee!!"

"Tobiooo tell me my makeup looks good!"

"Tobiooo! Why were you talking to that other blonde girlll!! I don't care if she's your manager you can't talk to other girls when you have meee!!"

God, if she wasn't a girl he would've sent a ball into her face. He tried to talk and she would cut him off talking about her so terrible problems, which consisted of her makeup looking horrible or her hair was disgusting.

She looked the same to him so he made no comment until she whined about it. But the thing that irritated him the most as that she kept trying to change him. Saying he should dress more cleanly, or that he should focus more on her than volleyball, which was so fucking stupid! He wasn't going to change, he liked the way he was!

He hated it. His teammates said relationships were soothing and would make him happier, but he just felt shitty, he could never get a break.

And he told this all to one person. You. His best friend.

He'd rant about Meiko and all the issues on the days he'd go over to your house, he'd lay down on your bed as you'd comb your hands through his soft black hair, whispering "really?" and "oh Tobio" every now and then. He spent most of his free time with you, usually, but Meiko kept dragging him away. It made him stressed and unhappy, he was so used to spending everyday with you. But on some days he could spend time with you, avoiding Meiko and walking home with you as he used to.

On one of those days, he was tired, drained, as you both walked through the door. You said hello to your mother as you slipped off your shoes and Tobio did the same. You took your backpacks and walked up the stairs to your room.

But the second you closed the door he flopped down on your bed face first. You laughed, taking his backpack from his hand and placing it next to yours as you climbed on your bed and laid back against the pillows and headboard, opening your legs and patting your lap as he crawled over, flipping over to look up at you.

Your hands found their way into his coal black strands, egging him on to begin talking, easing him easily into relaxation. And the waterfall flowed. Telling about how Meiko began screeching at him because he wouldn't eat the bento she made him, and he explained that it was all burnt and smelled like shit! So of course he wasn't going to eat it!

"And she went all 'I put love into that bento!' but if that's her love it's fucking gross!" he cried and you giggled, closing your eyes in a smile.

He looked up at you, as you began to laugh harder, your shoulders shaking as you laughed, little snorts interrupting your giggles, which made you laugh even harder.

He looked at you and felt his heart pound, his face go beet red. He had never realized how happy he was with you. How comfortable it felt to have his head in your lap, your hands on his face. He'd never noticed how he knew everything about you, from your favorite food to the strangest birthmark you had on your back. He had been there for a long time, and you were the only person strong enough to break down his walls.

As your giggles settled you looked back down at him with the warmest smile.

"Go on, tell me about the rest of your day Tobio, I wanna hear."

He stared at you, wide eyed before he sat up quickly, startling you as you jumped. He looked at you, his eyes tracing every feature of your face.

"Why couldn't it be you?" He asked, his face blank.

"What?" You said softly, confusion in your expression as you looked back at him.

"Why couldn't it be you who confessed?" He said.

You stopped, blinking.

"Tobio what do you mean?" You laughed nervously, was he serious? Of course he was, Tobio was always serious! But what was he talking about? 'Why couldn't it be you who confessed?' What did that mean?!

"I mean, why can't you be the one I'm dating?" He said bluntly, and your jaw dropped. Your cheeks flushed red as you looked at him.

"Tobio! You have a girlfriend you can't just say that! I'm just your best friend!" You squealed, fisting your bedsheets between your hands.

"But why can't you be more? Do you not like me?" He looked sad, his eyes looking down. It panged in your heart.

"Of course not Tobio. I like you, I like you so much! But- you have a girlfriend! Don't you love her?!" You cried, the words dug into your heart. He loved her.

"No? What made you think that?" Tobio asked, confused.

"Well, you're dating her so you love her right?" You asked, stating the obvious.

"What? No. My teammates said that dating would make my life better so I said yes to the next confession, though it's not making my life better to be honest." He said, and your jaw dropped. Again.

"Tobio! Do you even know how dating works?!" You screamed, grabbing his uniform collar and pulling him closer.

"Um...no?" he said, sweat dropping at your tone. Was there something special about dating he didn't know? Like, money? Or magic?

You looked at him, massaging your temples.

"Dating is something romantic. When two people feel love towards each other and decide to pursue a romantic relationship together. Where you kiss and go on dates to the movies or to restaurants or cute cafes where you get lattes with hearts in them. Where they're both comfortable with each other and cuddle on the couch, talk about life and the future. And if things go well they get married and live life together, maybe having kids or getting pets. Just loving each other with everything they have.." You said softly, a faraway look in your eyes, ever since you were a child you had dreamed of something like that. And as you grew, you realized you wanted to have the future with one person. The one person you could never have.

Tobio Kageyama.

He looked at you, his eyes wide in realization.

"I guess I'm breaking up with Meiko now. Thank god." He said, and you looked at him, laughing a bit. You felt so at ease with Tobio, even now he was making you smile and laugh. "So..have you ever..dated..anyone?" he asked.

For some reason, he didn't like it. The thought. He didn't like the picture in his head of you sitting on the couch with some random guy. Going out together and..and kissing. Or you running your hands through some other guys hair as he talks about his day and you give him that soft smile or snort laugh. It made his chest hurt. He didn't like it not one bit.

"Ah..no..I've never uh..been one for dating.." You mumbled, cheeks pink. Tobio looked at you and suddenly you realizing his eyes were sad. And as he looked at yours he saw beyond that smile you always gave him. He saw the swirls of pain in your eyes. He hated it. You gazed back at him to see those sad blue eyes, his lips curled in a frown as his brows furrowed together.

"Hey Tobio whats wrong?" You asked as you looked at him, reaching out to cup his cheek. His heart started pounding again, erratically beating against his chest. He stared at you, eyes wide before jumping back, scrambling a bit away from you as you watched in confusion. He calmed down, moving to sit on his knees as he looked at you again.

"So..do you..love someone?" He asked, breaking his gaze away from yours as he looked down at the bed.

You eyed him, before lifting your chin up a bit, looking at the corner of your ceiling.

"Yeah. I do, and I've loved them for a very long time." You said softly, and his head snapped up to look at you. Of course you loved someone, he spat in his head. You were so kind and so nice, it's obvious you'd find someone nice who you'd fallen for. But his chest squeezed. He knew there was someone. But why. Why did it hurt so much. Knowing it wasn't him? Why couldn't it be him.

He hadn't even realized he'd been clutching his chest, squeezing his uniform so hard his knuckles turned white. He hadn't realized until you grabbed his hand, unfurling it from the black material of his uniform as you took it in yours, rubbing your thumb across his knuckles like you always did. He looked at you, and felt the pain build up again as he stared into your eyes.

"Who is it..?" he asked, praying the emotions swirling in his head weren't betrayed by his voice. You looked at him and then at his hand.

"I don't think I'll tell you." You murmured, and Tobio gritted his teeth. As the thoughts in his head pounded until one slipped out of his lips.

"I want it to be me."

He said, and your eyes widened as you looked at him.

"What?"

"I want it...to be me.." he repeated, his ears and face reddening, "I want to be..the person that you love.." he mumbled, as the thought settled in him. He did. He always has. Wait a minute. He always has. Yes..he..he has hasn't he?

He's always wanted to be the person holding your hand on the way to school. The one who leans over and asks you for help with his notes. The one who eats lunch with you as you share your food, as he sloppily takes his chopsticks and places a piece of chicken in your mouth as you laugh and put a piece of eggroll in his. He always wanted to see you at his games, it fired him up to see you cheering his name and looking so proud when he did a good set. He always wanted to be the person who took you out for snacks and who you could call at 2am when your crying because you feel sad, and he'll go over to your house just to hug you and listen to you rant.

He..he wants to be the person to kiss you, and hug you and cuddle you and take you out to romantic places. He wants to be the one to marry you.

As he looked up at you it hit him in the face. He has always loved you. It's why dating Meiko felt wrong. Why the past few weeks without you felt wrong. The truth was, he couldn't bare life without you. He wanted to always be with you.

You were still mulling over his words, eyes wide and blank. You couldn't even comprehend what you were saying until you said it.

"Silly Tobio..you've always been the person I loved."

You clasped your hands over your mouth as the words came out, face red as Tobio stared at you, his eyes were wide as he realized it. You both sat there for a few seconds before he carefully crawled over to you, taking your hands off your mouth and pressing them to his chest, where you could feel the fast beating of his heart.

"Is this..is this weird?" He asked softly, and you looked at him, his pink cheeks and ears, and smiled. Smiled so much as tears fell from your eyes and cascaded down your cheeks. Tobio began to panic but you simply pulled him closer, burying your face into his chest as you hugged him tightly. He looked at you before relaxing, sitting down as he wrapped his arms around your torso, resting his head atop yours.

"Hey?" He asked softly, after you two had sat like this for a few minutes. You looked up.

"Mhm?"

"Does this mean we're dating now?" He asked, and you giggled.

"Just break up with Meiko tomorrow and yeah, yeah I think so." You said, and Tobio gave a proud smile. As you both shifted to lean against the pillows, legs and arms tangled up as you pressed close to eachother, his head atop yours and you snuggled into the crook of his neck.

"Hey?" He asked again, and you hummed in an answer, as he looked down at you.

"I think I'm in love with you."

"I think I'm in love with you too."

CAN YOU GUYS SEE THE TEARS IN MY EYES OH MY GOD

its so fucking LONG now that i realize it. i just got so into this wrote this in like 3 hours..

i love awkward tobio hes so cute

anyways

now kiss <333 come get ur man tobio stans <33 THAT RHYMED FUCK YEAH

[leotssukinaga]

Shirabu HCs

Anon requested: I get the feeling you're gonna destroy shirabu in cold war T_T pls write something fluffy for him, hcs or a oneshot I just want to see him happy A/N: thank you for this i love him so much u have no idea! I feel so bad abt hurting him in cold war bye. eh knee weighs this is so long im so sorry its fr like 70+  bulletpoints kfdshjdshg can u tell!! that i love him!!

you think shirabu is salty normally? try shirabu with a crush

he's trying so hard to convince himself he hates you but what he actually does is convince you he hates you

everything he says is the exact opposite of what he's thinking

shirabu with a crush translation guide:

"leave me alone" = "i wanna hold you close and never let you go"

"Don't look at me like that" = "I don't like how fast my heart beats when you smile at me"

"no, I'm not sharing my notes with you, I don't care that you were sick" = "I'd much rather sit with you at lunch and talk you through what you missed than give you my notes, but I can't say that so I'm telling you to fuck off"

"why did you come to see my volleyball game" = "I'm motivated to play much better when you're here, thank you for coming"

basically don't listen to a word he says!!!! 

he's been pining for you for so long 🥺

realises he's been a fucking idiot when he hears you talking to one of your friends

"I try so hard to be nice to Shirabu, but he just keeps telling me off. I think I'm gonna find someone else to talk to in class"

yk what he does? he doesn't fix things!! not yet!!

what do u expect from him lol

he's smart when it comes it everything but having feelings

he spends the whole day mad fr

he's so fucking salty and grumpy and you don't talk to him in class which makes it worse

but at the end of the day he drops his pen and you pick it up and he's like halfway down the hall when you call his name

and God the salt in his voice when he asks you what you want could give you fucking sodium poisoning

AND THEN THINGS GET WORSE SOMEHOW BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE YOURE ABOUT T CRY

and you quietly mutter "I just wanted to give you your pen back" and you shove it into his hand and run off

but this is when he finally grows a pair and runs after you

he catches you on the way to your dorm and you don't even look him in the eye

"whats wrong?"

"are you serious?"

"yes."

"You've been horrible to me all year, Shirabu! I'm tired of it. You clearly don't want me around anymore. All I was doing today was returning your pen and you acted like I was harassing you. I'm gonna leave you alone now, I'm sorry I even bothered you in the first place."

"I don't want you to leave me alone."

"You don't?""I only say that because... well, I really don't know how to deal with how I feel about you, Y/N. I hate the fact that I dream about you most days, and that I play better when you're watching. I hate your stupid fucking smile because it's so pretty I wanna kiss it off your face. But you? I don't hate you."

"Shirabu..."

"You can call me Kenjirou, if you want."

"Okay, on one condition?"

"What?

"Kiss me?" 

He wasn't gonna argue with that!!! 

It's both of your first kiss so it's a little messy and he accidentally bites your lip and he's so!! red!! when he pulls away it's so cute oh my god 🥺

he doesn't go to practice that day bc he wants to spend time with you

never tells them why

they bug him abt it bc he's never missed practice before

but he knows they'll never shut up abt it if they find out he's dating you so he's 🤐

does he tell you he hasn't told them? nope! it never comes up

so uh. when you show up at practice one day with a bento you made for him and a water bottle the entire team are asking each other if they know who you are

but u walk right up to kenjirou and kiss him on the cheek under the assumption that they all knew

babie is redder than when he kissed you

"DID THEY JUST KISS HIM?? SHIRABU YOU'VE BEEN HOLDING OUT ON US"

"You didn't tell your team about me?"

"I didn't want them to harass you" 

"oh... I'm sorry I assumed"

"Its okay" 

he's just soft for you he will literally forgive you for anything

THIS IS SO LONG IM SORRY BUT ALSO. LISTEN. I LOVE HIM? AND I FEEL SO BAD THAT I'M GONNA HURT HIM IN COLD WAR. SO I'M GONNA KEEP GOING.

he's not that soft with you in public usually but he can be when the situation calls for it

but when it's just you two? 

hug him. he will never let go please understand that and then hug him

even if he's studying just sit in his lap and put your head on his shoulder

he’ll continue to study but he'll feel so much less stressed with you there

you're the only way he knows how to relax 🥺

he’ll legit follow you everywhere

like if you go to get a drink he’ll trail behind you holding your hand

he's clingy!! he's just so in love with you!!

will wake up before you just to stare at you

he's probably a light sleeper so I hope you don't fidget

bc he'll fr just wrap himself around you so you can't skfjd 

"Kenjirou I can't breathe"

"You move too much"

"Smothering me to death is not the way to fix that"

oh yeah you're not allowed to die before he does

he literally just tells you that one day

OUT OF THE BLUE!

he just goes "you can't die before I do, I couldn't live without you" while you're like cooking dinner or something. 

its the first thing either of you have said in 5 minutes

you think he's sad but no he's just. he's just shirabu, man

hes so in love with youuuu  🥺

I love him so much you don't understand

[lookwhatilost]

lmao Christ I found the peach post abt my first date w andrew and it’s such a doozy

why did I even keep talking to him after this

this is long as fuck and also super nsfw but my fucking GODDD is it a ride

okay so I met andrew when he was bartending at social still a while back. hes p much worked in every bar in downtown Bethlehem – like, the tapas bar where I used to go w ian all the time, “nothing good ever happens at” rippers, he used to barback alongside w jus at steelgaarden, slung margaritas at urbano, and plied me w spiked shamrock shakes at mccarthys – so we’ve run into one another multiple times as he’s bounced around the north side. I made a joke once abt how he spawns in every bar and he thought it was funny

so he randomly asks me on a date over messenger and i accept. like, I’m still in contact w Justin but whatever undiagnosed mental illness he has is becoming more apparent and distressing w each passing day and it’s becoming more obvious that he intends to do nothing abt it. so I’m not rly sure abt what to do w that and those feelings and everything but it’s definitely time to start exploring other avenues even if it’s jst for the sake of palette cleansing.

he wants to go see this all female performative of waiting for godot at the community college and I think that sounds cool. it’s creative, it’s different, we can go out after it. I get home a little early and tell him we can hang out my place for a little beforehand and get the “getting to know u better” awkward talk out of the way before we go over. and he’s obviously very nervous but he’s sweet, yknow

we go over to the community college and the play is weird and long. the intermission is at 9 and we leave during that bc we dnt wanna be stuck there until almost midnight. so we go to TR (while tommy is working bc I’m Bitch) and chat and drink and we’re hitting it off very well. he’s cool! he’s smart! he’s funny! he’s weird as hell but in a good way! it’s not jus lvl Fireworks but I’m happy and I’m distracted. We hop to stoke and stick around until last call and grab a 6 pack to take back to my apartment

I literally never do shit like this but I have no problem w him coming over there and sleeping over bc, hey, I’m Definitely Going To Have A Second Date W Him. it rly seemed like this could’ve gone somewhere. so I thought

and what follows is nsfw bc I cant stress enough that this is basically my version of cat person

like listen. intimacy w justin was very hit or miss in terms of him being too rough or something awkward happening outside of that. and it was disappointing sometimes but it was something I could overlook bc it was someone I was fucking over the moon for. and those awkward moments were basically my benchmark for what bad sex looked like

I dnt think ive ever been more incorrect abt anything in my life

this guy is jst. the absolute worst. like first of all I take his shirt off and he has fucking dermal piercings on his hips and I’m immediately rly turned off by it but it’s like. ok. if I can overlook the stupid “please kill me” bullseye on justins chest I can overlook this. but he’s jst. so. so. LOUD. he won’t stop moaning like some girl in a porno. and dirty talk. so much. i HATE that shit so much it’s so stupid. like SHUT UP. i wanted to get a scarf out of my closet and gag him not even bc I was trying to be kinky or whatever like I jst wanted the fucking NOISE to end

he won’t stop yanking at my hair which i also hate. and he’s saying weird shit abt how he wants me to dominate him (literally went into my nightstand, took out my vibrator and told me to use it on him and I was like BITCH NO THIS IS SO WEIRD) and jst. I’m in this situation and actively hating every minute of this but I feel like it’s gone too far for me to back out.

but this jst keeps going. for literal hours and I’m so fucking tired at this point but he’s jst. not finishing or anything. i dnt even know how. so I’m basically jst going along w it waiting for it to fucking end and in the middle of this shitshow he blurts out “i love you” which was such a... bad moment for obvious rzns but that’s the only time someone has ever said that to me out loud. and I was like “shhh dnt say that” and he repeated it and jst kept repeating it throughout the hellish course of the night. and I’m jst sitting here wondering how this went from amazing date to the honest to god worst mistake of my life. thinking abt why I’m so concerned w being nice to this guy and not hurting his feelings when I’m jst in literal hell

it’s finally fucking over and I fall asleep. my alarm wakes me up at 7:30 bc I have to work but he’s not in my bed anymore and I hear someone fussing in the kitchen & what I think is a cork popping but I dnt rly know. and he comes back into my room and says that he went to do me a favor and cleaned my kitchen up a little. but the place is messier than it was last night which is?¿

at this point evan comes out of his bedroom and complains to us abt the horrible day he had at work and Andrew says to him “you sound like you could use a drink!” But ev recoils bc it’s so early and he asks Andrew if he’s drunk & leaves to run errands. his reaction was a nervous “no” but he mixes something anyway and he’s like “this is for you babe” and it’s like. disgusting. it’s gin, razzmatazz, triple sec, rumchata, and coconut water. stronger than rocket fuel and not at all pleasant tasting. I reject the nasty cocktail and he slams it down. I tell him I have to work and he needs to leave. But he’s like “I wanna keep hanging out!” And he will jst. Not leave.

he makes another drink for himself and I see the gin is empty which is weird bc it was half full? and then it clicked that he was probably in my kitchen drinking all my gin while I was asleep. and it’s Hendricks. It’s expensive as hell and it’s also almost 90 proof. so he’s wasted to the point of delirium and I have to call into work to babysit him until he’s sober enough to go home

so I’m waiting for him to sober up and he keeps trying to initiate more sex and I keep rebuffing it and he takes his pants off anyway and jst. passes out w his entire naked ass out on the couch

so im jst sitting there for a little while questioning my life choices when ev comes back around 2:45 and is like. what in the fuck is going on and I tell him that Andrew decided to get morning drunk and things got weird. and he’s like “there is a half naked man on the couch and I’m going to do something abt it if you’re not” so ev yells “are your pants off?” and wakes him up and i tell him that I need to start my day and it’s probably time for him to go. he refuses, say he wants to hand out more. evan gets our swifter out of the closet and starts jabbing him w it, saying “GET OUT” so he finally does

he came over at 5. he left at 3 the nxt afternoon. he left his underwear on my coffee table and his flannel in my room (which I am stealing, not the underwear tho) and the second he left ev sprayed our couch down w Lysol and was jst losing his shit laughing at me

but all and all. turns out you can have a tinder horror story without tinder as well! who’d have known!

[fidgemimic]

betaadmin replied to your post: my brain over here thinkin abt jester getting a...

hey fidge WHY you gotta do this to me

because im sad abt this CONSTANTLY and i love it

he does borrow it eventually. either bc he asks jester, or she assumes he’d want to read it as well. but having it on his person feels like carrying a massive stone, and he’s almost terrified to open the cover and begin reading it.

beau gives him strange looks when he catches him not 40 pages in by the second day. he doesn’t notice - trying to keep his eyes on the words while frumkin digs his claws into caleb’s shoulders and purrs loudly. it helps keep away the foggy memories trying to creep through and pull him away from what’s in front of him. it works most times, but it only gets harder as he goes on.

he gets lost once - reaching a scene where the children, now teenagers, dance together in an empty house where no one can hear them. holding each other and laughing and feeling so, so happy and safe for reasons that they haven’t quite got an understanding of yet.

it had been late - two and a half hours past midnight - and they had been left in the cottage alone. master ikithon had been called on business in Rexxentrum, and had decided that the three of them would be left alone to study on their own. he would test them upon his return to ensure they had been working.

but until then, they were alone.

they had pushed the heavy furniture out of the center of the small bedroom - leaving a small clearing with just enough space for the three of them to practice dancing, trading off with each other in smooth, fluid movements. he can feel their hands still. astrid’s body in front of him, radiating warmth as she places a hand at his hip and entwines their fingers a bit too tightly. he welcomes the pressure - finds it calming - and has to resist the urge to pull her close just to prove they’re really here. eodwulf takes her place once they trade off, towering over bren by a good couple of inches as he places a hand on bren’s shoulder. his fingers always feel too cold, and bren carefully rubs his thumb over his knuckles hoping they warm.

they’re so different from each other and yet so utterly amazing in their own right. he thinks he loves them, but he can never bring himself to say it. but this is good as it is. together, safe, alone. laughing at each poorly placed step and half-whispered joke they say in the dark of this bedroom. his heart feels so full he thinks it might burst, but instead he laughs and leans into one of them, tears coming unbidden as the emotions become overwhelming-

a heavy hand on his shoulder pulls him back. his head feels stuffed with cotton, tight and unfocused. he blinks rapidly for a moment, but the tears in his eyes don’t clear, even as they roll down his face. the hand squeezes, and he looks over to see the blurry shape of beau sitting next to him.

“Hey, put that away for a minute, ok?” she says, vaguely motioning towards the book in his lap. caleb takes a shaking breath and complies. he will find his place later, if needed, though he didn’t look at the page number that he had been on. “You ok, man?”

He opens his mouth to speak, closes it and clears his throat when he notes how tight it feels. Looks to the stained wood of the table in front of him. “Ja. I am.. fine.”

She’s quiet for a beat, and he doesn’t dare look up - instead focused on reaching up to try and subtly wipe the tears from his eyes.

he watches as she reaches out and places a hand on the book in front of him.

“Maybe you should give this back to Jester. It looks like it’s not really doing you any good.”

“I.. I would like to finish it at the very least.”

he hears her sigh in annoyance. “You can finish it later. Like when you aren’t in the kind of mood where you’re going to keep doing that.. thing,” he sees movement out of the corner of his eye as beauregard waves a hand around her own head, “but I just saw you spacing out and crying in the middle of the tavern. You haven’t been reading this.”

“I have.” he mutters, a small bit of annoyance creeping into his own voice. “I am just... remembering.”

“Yea, but are they good memories?”

“Yes.” and that stops her. he looks back up, eyes meeting hers, and he can see the creeping hint of skepticism in the way her eyebrows are cocked. he can feel a horrible part of him, desperate for things he doesn’t deserve, begging. “Beauregard, these are some of the best memories that I have," his voice breaks terribly, and beau startles. his vision is blurring again, but he feels too stubborn in this moment to break eye contact to wipe them again. “I am asking you to let me have this. I will return the book when I am done, but just let me have this for a few more days.”

“fuckin.... fine.” she reaches up to scrub at her face and groan. the second her hand is gone from the book, he grips it close to his chest before he has a moment to even think about the action. a single finger reaches out to poke him harshly in the shoulder. “but listen - if you start actin fuckin weird and shit, or i have any reason to think that this is fucking you up worse than normal, i’m taking it. understand?”

“Ja - got it.”

“Cool. You have 3 more days.”

“Danke.”

she sits back in her seat, her gaze lingering on him for just a second before she brings up her ale to take a drink. caleb rests the book in his lap - content to be done reading for the time being. his head still feels foggy, his eyes wet and tired. he’s not sure if the book is doing anything good for him at all, honestly, but he can’t bring himself to leave it just yet. at the very least, beau allows a moment of silence between them, though he can see her fidgeting. the conversation isn’t finished yet, and watching her attempt to give him a second to recollect himself is almost as heart warming as it is utterly annoying.

“Do you have a question, Beauregard?”

she shoots him a half glare, but still attempts to act nonchalant.

“I mean.. I guess?” she mutters, crossing her arms, “I just.. like, you said you fell in love, right?”

he hums.

“But Jester and Nott have only ever mentioned Astrid.”

there’s a deep twinge of guilt in his chest. something that’s become more and more prominent the more he lets the nein think what they will about his old friends. he winces.

“Ah. Ja.”

“but it was both of them?”

he breathes. in. out. “Ja. I just.. I didn’t want them to ask more questions than they already had. Let them think what they will.”

beau snorts. “That’s a shitty idea that will definitely backfire.”

“I am aware.” he mutters back, his lips twitching into a small, sad smile. “I am, ah, worried I suppose. I think he would be very upset with me if he knew.”

that earns him a Look. “Why? I mean, I think if we meet up with your exes,” he nearly chokes at the word, “I don’t think whether or not you talked abt both of them to your friends is going to be anyone’s biggest issue.”

"Mm. You are definitely right about that.”

he nearly winces at how dejected his voice sounds as he says it, but instead he drops his gaze back to the book in his lap and places his hand on it, stroking the cover gently. they will have many problems if they were to ever see astrid and eodwulf again. his gossip about the two of them will hardly be at the top of their list, he’s sure.

beau glances at him, brows furrowed, and he can see the gears turning in her head. slowly, awkwardly, she places a hand on his shoulder again.

“If we, like, see them.. and they aren’t - you know - absolutely fucking crazy and evil and shit-”

“they will be, but go on.”

“yea but like, on the super off chance that they aren’t,” she pauses, looking him in the eye. her hand squeezes in what he assumes is her attempt at comforting him, “maybe we can do something. ok? i’m not promising shit, but.. you never know or whatever.”

he blinks, unsure of what to say or think. he doesn’t like the small spark of Something in his chest at the words - at the implication - and he tries desperately to stomp it down before it can burn too quickly.

“i.. do not think that will be an option.” he says carefully, “it has been a, ah, very long time. the empire is very good at ensuring it’s people do what it wishes - especially, ah, Him.” he breathes again shakily, ignoring the sudden race of his heart at the thought of that man. “but, ah.. thank you for the, the thought, beauregard.”

“hey man, it’s an option, alright? we’ve tried dumber shit and gotten out alive.” we really haven’t, he thinks, but stays silent. beau stands and grabs her drink, turning to walk away before pausing. instead, she turns back around and stares at him, then leans down to awkwardly wrap her arms around his shoulders. caleb freezes, suddenly unsure of what he’s supposed to do other than offering an awkward pat on the arm.

when she pulls away, she’s still got a hand on him. “i mean it though. if that book fucks you up, i’m taking it.”

he faulters, “J-ja, ok.”

“and you give it back in 3 days.”

“i remember, beauregard.”

“and if we see those two, we’re going to get them away from him.”

he doesn’t respond.

“okay?”

silence.

“Widogast.”

“beauregard,” he glares at her, his voice deeply tinged with warning as she glares back. he tries to ignore the anxiety crawling through his chest. “these are very dangerous people. if we meet them, it would be easier to kill them than it would be to change their minds.”

“if we have to kill them, we will,” she says, and his stomach twists at the thought. he’s considered the outcome hundreds of times over the years, but hearing someone speak it into existence makes it feel closer than ever. he reaches up to frumkin and scratches at his cheek, warranting a new round of loud purring that draw’s beau’s attention. “but if there’s something we can get a hold of, i’m will to try and pull them out. got it?”

there’s a pause before caleb nods, nearly imperceptible at how small it is.

"good.” she slaps his shoulder just a bit too hard, “good talk. enjoy your book.”

she turns and walks to the bar, leaving caleb at the table alone.

he glances down, eyes roaming over the cover of the book, using a single finger to softly trace the outline of three small figures huddled together in front of a lone house in the middle of a field. he breathes deeply, focusing on that and the sensation of frumkin’s purrs. he’s done reading for the night, he thinks. he can feel the familiar mental exhaustion creeping forward, already threatening to turn the soft lull of the dinner-crowd into a dull cacophony of grating voices and sharp, unexpected noises that will make his skin crawl.

collecting his items and draining the last of his ale, he stands and makes his way upstairs to the quiet of his room. putting the book away for now is simple, and there’s still a warmth in his chest that lingers from the soft memories of dancing alone in an empty home. he hopes - knows - that dreams will come, but at the very least he knows they will not be nightmares. and for that, he’s grateful.

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 270618

i cry at least once aday cus im only surrounded by whites but like.... there are poc here. theres other adoptees of color and some poc in my DM’s wanting to chat with me and maybe even hang out but fuuuCKKK WHAT IS WRONG WTH ME WHY AM I NOT SOCIAL

i also always cry about how social and happy i used to be but im doing anything about it lmao. like i KNOW that in order to get my shit together i need to sleep and eat and exercize and shit..... do i do that?? absolutely the fuck no cus i love to feel sorry for mysel and watch myself destroy everything

i hate myself, i hate my life i can feel the anxiety coming and when that is i always call my mom but she’s white and im so  paranoid i dont trust white people with anything i REALLLY RESLLY REALLY want a therapist of color but my lazy ass cant even manage to call one cus i’d rather lie in my bed and DIE than doing smth productive with my life

also im together with a white dude and just thinking about how confused i am about this relationship makes me want to die alone. i cant trust my own thoughts and feelings but i SURE AS HELL cant trust anyone else either. not white people, no poc and not adoptees of color either. the only person i trust is my partner cus they know me better than anyone else and theyre wise but fuck i dont trust them either cus i cant even manage to tell them this cus ive already been such a horrible partner and i dont want to huet them but hey no its not even about that. its about ME not wanting to lose them cus im so fucking selfish which is only another reason i should break up. if you knew what a horrible partner, friend and human being ive been you’d all hate me. im such a hypocrite and when i hear my partner forigve me despie me KNEOING what i am like.......

how will i ever find someone who loves me like them. i’ll never find anyone like them. does it really matter that they’re white in that case? yes it does can i’d literally kILL myself if our children were to become white. how can i love myself after all of this. im holding onnto a dream of re-visiting my homecountry and my birth place. im holding omto a dream of learning mandarin and more abt my culture and get lots of chinese and asian friends but like..... who am i kidding. that wont solve my problems. what i feel is so much deeper. what i feel is nothing that can be fixed

IM SO FUCKINF SAD EVERYONE. IM SO SAD AND I MISS MY BIOLOGIAL PARENTS SO FUCKING MUCH. I HATE EVERYONE BUT ONLY BC I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY OWN SELF HATRED AND DISSATISFACTION. IM SO SAD AND FRUSTRATED AND LONELY AND I JUST WANT TO BE IN MY MOMS BELLY.

why did it turn out like this. what am i so problematic snd why am i not doing anything about it. why did i destroy and fux up every single relationship i ever had. why cant i love my adoptive family like anyone else. but why al i not strong enough to cut them off. is it bc i actually love them? or is it bc im scared of being alone? will i love them again when i’ve healed, when i’ve revovered from whatever it is im revorigin form. abandonment? loss? lost family, lost identity, lost culture, lost people

it doesnt matter how many POC i connect with or how many adoptees i connect with. i’ll always feel lonely. i’ll always be lonely. and im so pathetic i cant stand it. i’d rather kill myself than knowing i’ll always be lonely. ive fkd up every friendship and relationship i have and im too scared of building new ones bc im so over attatched and want to rely on them forever. and now i dont even feel anything but anger and hatred. im such a fucking mess. im a danger to myself and everyone around me. im abusing the ones i claim to love, i dream about taking a gun and just shoot everyone down. i dream about committing suicide but not bc i actually want to, but because i want to revenge. on who? i want my family to suffer. i want society to suffer and know my pain. but they wont. they never will

im all alone, im so lonely im so lonely i keep isolering myself. i keep dreaming about fkn kpop idols and anime characters. i will never get better if i dont do smth but im so tired and im so angry. but it only hurts me. im only hurting myself even more. no one cares. no one will ever care, its only hurting ME

i thought i had gotten better. i used to feel like this everyday. now its only once a month. but idk. i cant think straight, i cant control myself. i know i shouldnt post stuff lile this DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IVE FKD UP CUS I CANT CONTROL MYSELF WHEN IM IN THIS KIND OF STATE ONE TIME I ACTUALLY THOOUGHT I WAS GONNA KILL SOMEONE AND THEN JUMP IN FRONT OF A BUS

im sitting in my room. my little sister is outside and when im done with this message i’ll go out to her and pretend nothing happened. i cry for myself. i cry for other adoptees too. i cry for my adopted little sister and how white she is. i cry for all adoptees who’ve grown up to become whites. i cry because im such a fkn mess. i cry bc my abusive tendencies started so early. i abused my little sister bc of my own fkn issues and our adoptive parents didnt even care, they didnt even realize.

i feel like this is who i was supposed to be. a disgusting manipulative abuser but i know thats just another excuse for me to not do smth about myself

why dont i care about my family? about my partner or my little sister? i’d say i love my partner the most but i care more about my little sister

sometimes when i see children of color, or asian children i just feel something so fucking strong. i feel like i want to die for them on the spot. i feel like straight out giving them my jeart and protect them forever.

i got pregnant when i was 17 and it changed my life. ive never been interested in children but after that i was. but its so unhelathy. im only interested bc i want someone like me. i even doubted the abortion. fuck i felt like absolute SHIT after the abortion. i felt like they took smth from me, they took my mom, they took my baby. everhthing was taken from me and i got nothing. if im not able to have biolocial children in the future i’ll kill myself. if my children is looking white or nothing like me i’ll kill myself. im happy i had an abortion tho. i wasnt mentally stable. poor child would have only been born bc i was feeling lonely

i’d be such a horrible mom too. i’d be so overprotective. im always like that. overprotective in a possessive kind of way. like YOURE MINE. my child would hate me and i wouldnt blame them. i just feel like i have to protect something. i NEED something to protect. no one ever needs me. im always clinging into others but no one ever needs me as much as i need them. a child would need me. but they would eventuellt grow up so im thinking about a dog or a car instead. they would need me.

you know what i want? uncondotional love. from people of color. yes i have that from my white adoptive parents but i dont feel it. instead i feel like im using them. im shitting so fucking much on them and i dont know if i do it even more cus i feel guilty for shitting on them. most times they just take it and its like that makes me even angrier but if they were to argue with me i’d fkn explode right there and now. ive always been such a problematic kid. i can feel it. my sister’s been so calm and perfect but ive always been unstable. its like i always test people. ive tested my adoptive parents for 17-18 years now.

but everhtime i actually have someone love me uncondotilnally i feel like i have to isolate myself. its such a weird fkn thing i have such a weird fkn conception abt relationships and such. its just the way i thought it was like. in a friendship, relationship or family theres ONE dominant and ONE submissive. i realized relationships doesnt work lile this AT AGE 17 WHEN I LOST ALL MY FRIENDS. can you believe i’ve lived like this for 17 years???? i still categorize ppl into this and its so fucked up. how could i think like this?? how can I STILL think like this?? the submissive have to love the dominant one but the dominant will always protect the submissive one. i always, ALWAYYS go for dominant ones. and its always, ALWAYS going shit. either bc i expect too much from them. i expect them to love me back snd PROTECT ME or im just too clingy and get rejected. bc when im the dominant one i get bored. its like i WANT to fight for peoples attention. i see them as superior and i feel good when they give me that. but not too much cus if they give me too much I’LL feel superior and then i feel bored. thats basically my relationship with my partner now. ive been an awful fkn asshat and they’re still staying with me. it disturbed me once so much i forced them to break up with me only to guilt trip them when they did.

im so fucked up i really am. my partner deserves so much better. im so fucked up that i want to break up with them but if i would, if they would, i’d go fucking banans. thats not a healthy relationship. i shouldnt be in relationship

i should be alone til ive fgired myself out. but lonliness and isolation drives me mad. i dont trust myself

this post wasnt supposed to be lile this. i was going to write smth intellectual but instead im exposing myself like this. why do i do that? i dont know. do i wan people to feel sorry for me?? is that what i want? do i want advice? advice that i know i wont follow anyways cus im a dumbass?? is it because i just cant hold it in? why dont i post it somewhere else private? especially when i KNOWW THAT ILL GET SO FKN ANXIOUS ABT POSTING THIS THAT ILL NEVER FACE ANYONE AHAIN SND ILL REBLOG SO MANY TAEHYUNG GIFS AND JUST LAUGH IT OFF BUT LILE..... IM STILL GONNA POST IT???

sometimes i tell myself i wouldnt care if i died but im actually so afraid of dying

i want to be happy i want to be good but i dont know if i can or if i deserve it. when im not feeling like shit i dont want to talka but this bc then i’ll feel like sjit snd im scared of myself. i feel like im turning into a demon, something i cant control and im scared i’ll do stupid shit

how do i get rid of this? how dont become happy. the fact that my family is white, my partner is white. is that a problem or is it only me? do i have to break up, do i have to cut off my family in order to become satisfied? in order to decolonize? i know adoptees who have. mostly cus they got real weird fkn prents but my parents are....... so-so. they’re white. they’re good parents except they’ee white. but other adoptees parents weren’t even good parents to start with and their whiteness and racism made it 722771x worse

i hate feeling so split always having to choose. choose between AP and bio family. whites and poc. i’ll choose poc. i’ll choose my birth family. but i dont have a birth family like...... and now im stuck with this white one. ive been abandoned multiple times im not strong enougg to get rid of my AP’s even if i want to. but i dont think that i want to. i think i love them. im just so fkn heartvroken abt the fact that they’re white and therefore constantly hurting me and my sister wether they want it or not. im stuck. its like a fkn curse.

i was a fine kid before. i always had these issue but the abortion def triggered it. the abortion and break up with my friends that was like the 3rd break up and i just knew that damn i dont have the energy to keep going. dont even get me started on the breakup. i was a sjit friend. yeah im still a bit salty cus i think hey could have handled it better but tbh........ they probably sensed the fucking freak inside of me me before it jumped. i keep telling myself they only protected themselves but im paranoid and hate everyone and when i feel abandoned and rejected i deal with it with being an abusive asshat

i wonder why im like this. im obv not the only one since i keep reading abt adoptees who murder and stuff. i kinda think thats me sometimes. that im gonna turn out like that and just go on a murder spree. when i see x-men or the black panther...... i always feel for erik and eric (sre they both named eric lmao). mage to and killingen. and all charcters like that. i cried so much when i watched these movies cus im so sensitive when it comes to families AND people. (xmen jewish ppl) (black panther black ppl). and i kind of undersyood them

especially xmen apacolypse. he really tried to turn good. he really got himself a family but even they got killed. everyone got kille. i kinda admire him but i also think he’s weak. how come he’s able to just turn good after that?????  i’d probably kill the whole fucking world. like what kind of propaganda IS THAT??? is that even real??

and i feel so awful cus i had a good childhood i guess??? i mean fkn killmonger grew up all alone and poor and he found his fkn dad murdered??? i understand that trauma!!! and magneto had his mom shot in front of him and watched his whole people fkn die. and what about me? i havent been through any of that

ofc i dont know. i dont know what happened before and i dont remember. my APs got divroced tho and my A mom got PTSD and i def think that affected me as well tho. i kind of lost my family AGAIN. and ive never really tristes them after that. even there u could feel me snd my fucked up ness

i was such a shithead to my mom who had freaking PTSD. i blamed her for everything. breaking up with dad, bad ekonomy and then our fkn white big brother moved home bc he was depressed too or smth and there we were. 3 kids sharing a room while mom was unemployed and slept in the living room. that was such a messy time and my 11 y/o self was so angry and aggressive. and my poor sister was so scared and shy. of me. of all of us

anyways why didnt my sister turn out like this? is it bc of my temepramwnt?? maybe. ive read abt mental illness but i dont really feel like anyone fits. im leaning more towards bpd. bipolar and ptsd are similar but i dont rly get those periods and i dont get flashbacks of my trauma either cus im not even sure what my trauma is. its more like..... a feeling rather than smth specific. i mean its not like i remember anything

but why did i tjen out like this. irs cus everyone hates me right? lmao u always think lile that ots so pathetic. i always think ppl do shit to huet m. my poor partner and ex-friends..... the simpliest mistake would make me crazy.

im such a horrible human and sometimes i dont want to do anything abt this. i just dont wanna CARE but i know i feel line that cus i feel guilty deep inside. and it wont make me happy either

if i recover will i stop hating white people? will i stop hate my family and non-adoptees? probably not white ppl and non-adoptees. i mean i still hate men and so so why would i stop just cus i recover. but my family? will i forgve myself? will i fogive them? i cant forive them ew no. ugh idek what im saying. what do i have to do to stop feeling like this?

maybe get out of bed? yeah thats a start

thanks ill reblog bts now and then ill turn off my phone and never come back. cant wait to comeback and cringe the fuck out of myself wow i love