#im tired of existing the way thst i do

[chibiko]

ive been staring at an empty post for a while now, trying to figure out how to express myself. i don't think I know how

[fuckinrawr]

I need to write about it or I won't stop thinking about it even temporarily.

I miss my friends so much.

So so fucking much.

I fucked up, but I understand I'm not perfect. And thst my Intent was good. But my methods were hasty and sloppy and inadvertently counterproductive.

I still have you two as friends log and chi

But shan.

That hurt the most. Because I did ignore your advice. That be true. But I didn't do it to hurt anyone or further anyone's agenda. And im not sure if that's what you believe or what.

But it hurts.

My knee hurts.

That's a meme and a real life I fucked my knee up taking the surface cleaner out of the back of Marc's truck at McDonald's for a little of pneumonics later.

It just hurts that I was okay for you to sit there on the side lines. Which was your position.

Then immediately suddenly throw me to the wolves and choose your side and ostricize me from the other.

I don't want my friends to hurt.

I don't want us separated like this.

Every day is so

It's so

Empty

It hurts so bad because I rather have fucked things up and said I'm sorry and explain myself truthfully than to have sat there and watched my friends hurt eachother constantly.

Trying to be a liason I ended up a spy. And no I wasn't brainwashed by one side or the other. I was panicked and scared to see all of my friends in turmoil over a situation thatI have no real life feel over.

I trusted you shan.

I still do. I'm just hurt because I thought you out of anyone would know that I was the last one to so anything of I'll intent towards my friends. I'm only here to help.

If you can't trust me over some pictures a guy I didn't like sent to me and chi. Well the thing is you sided with him still. That may have been your catalyst for mistrust towards me. And for that I cannot blame you.

But I had honestly forgotten they existed about a week after. I was just more laughing about how chi was scared of his dick.

It was awkward. I didn't even want to be a part of it but suddenly I was. I had just met you shan and I did not want you to just leave the group over some action a fuck head had after being yeeted from the group. I never looked at you different nor did I ever test you differently. And all of this may be null and void because you have a right to know. And to that affect your 100% correct. Hold everyone accountable.

Don't pick and choose.

I know your stressed. I was there for you.

Not to fuck you.

Not to see your body.

Because I legitimately enjoyed you as a human being.

And you think I'm capable of having a hidden agenda to destroy our friend group that is the literal only thing that was keeping me mentally afloat for absolutely no reason.

I cannot fathom it. And I do not care for the hypocrisy.

I love all of you regardless. It hurts seeing the empty group and empty chat and I will hold on to it. I love it. It's all I have.

Every single one of you got off line that day and had someone to break down to in person when you needed to.

You could even expect people to be there.

I say there that morning I woke up.

Trying to figure out what in the hell I did to deserve this.

"oh don't be so self loathing"

Fuck you.

It's been

Three

Years

Go figure.

Everything is changing.

I'm alone.

Everyone's sad and not communicating. And im scared.

If I'm selfish and spiteful about one thing it's that I'm not a factor just a blame.

It's my fault.

How dare you.

Luci I care for you. You did make me mad for a minute. And I apologize for my tone. But I love you husband. And I love his ex best friend and I love you for loving my best friend.

You had your right to be mad at my but no right to accuse me of being the reason.

I was the catalyst for the final conclusion. But I was in no way the reason for the problem.

I know you are protecting your man. But those emotions were for log and I got all of them when I'm the fucking one who's alone.

You raised your voice at me. And then I had no one to talk to about it. I couldn't cry to anyone.

I'm alone.

I'm not sure if your this far in Naruto or not yet. But friends who leave friends behind are worse than scum.

I'm appalled at Shannon for just sitting there. If she would have collaborated with me maybe we could have helped somehow.

Maybe that's all wishful thinking.

But I held my tongue. I didn't say a word because I know she doesn't like to be involved with things. And I know she is under alot of stress because I was there to listen about it.

I didn't try and fix it.

I sometimes suggested things.

But she's one who knows what she knows and is going to do what she's going to do.

It hurts.

Every time I talk to my friends.

I feel their sad.

It's lonely and I relate. But it's almost rage inducing because they have someone to hold or talk to. But I understand because it's sad for the group.

I miss the friends together.

Why

I want something like it back.

I want to be a part

I want to be with

I don't want to be alone

Why

Everything's changing and I'm stuck over thinking and forcing myself to hyper fixated on random bullshit to compensate for the lack of attention to my full emotions because I'm scared and I cannot physically manifest them to myself because of my mental state and the way I work.

I need to talk face to face and break down and hurt and be understood by someone.

Idk.

I'm fucked up but my heart is good.

I'm glad to talk to chi and log again separately. They don't exist to eachother,separate realms in my eyes from now on.

I just wanted to help.

I'm so tired of being alone.

Why is everyone allowed to pick and choose when they are alone and im here.

Just here.

Over it.

At least tumble listens.

Now gimme back the porn on here and we good.

[lunavadash-creates]

Have I ever told you that you are the sweetest cupcake ever?❤️ It’s impossible to not smile at your posts! I sincerely thank you for all your sympathy towards me! My heart just melts! It’s so rare to find such a pure and kind soul like you. Please, don’t change. Ever.

You made me worried a bit with your last paragraph - maybe I am oversensitive, but I am really worried. It breaks my heart honestly, I feel like you belittle yourself. Babe, you are wonderful! I am not saying this just for you to feel better, but because you REALLY are. Think for a moment about things you’ve already achieved! Darling, you graduated! It’s really something. It is even more something when you study two different majors at the same time and study in language school at weekends. It’s real hardcore! I am proud of you. SO FREAKING MUCH! You did so well and you did so much! Please, be aware of it. You are incredibly talented and creative. YOU are hard working, not me. And you know what? Please, have a proper rest. Don’t overwork yourself anymore. You have to have some space just for you. You have to rest and regain your balance. Don’t think about writing as your duty. I know you feel responsible for all requests you have. But they really won’t run away or disappear. They all will be waiting to be written when you rest. Don’t pressure yourself, I beg you. You know I love your writing. We all here love it. But we love you even more. Taking a break it’s not bad. It’s necessary. When you rest you will be able to concentrate, you will have a fresh mind and new ideas. Just remember that you are a priority.

Speaking of your visit to Prague. OMG, THIS ASTRONOMICAL CLOCK!! I envy you soooooo much! I wish I could see it by myself someday! Thank you so much for the photo! And geez, you are the very first person admitting that museums are wonderful! No one amongst my friends likes them and it hurts so much, because I couldn’t go to the Uffizi museum and Palazzo Vecchio in Florence. I would love to go to any museum with you then! Museum of sex toys sounds really interesting, mostly because it’s not about modern toys. Like, I would never thought that people could have such rich sex life! I heard that in Amsterdam and Paris there are similar museums. But! I bet you would love icelandic museum of punk. Ohh, I am pretty sure you would enjoy it! It’s really small, because well..Its former public toilet. Buuuut, if you like non-obvious museums this is definitely for you. Whale museum was also pretty good. Or I enjoyed it just because I love whales. I was also in a museum of teddy bears in Seoul and it was the cutest museum I have ever been in! Tell me more about that vegan restaurant! What good did you eat? I am not vege myself, but I avoid eating meat on a daily basis so it’s easy to make me excited with such things!

I am not sure if I am better. I mean, I changed my mind about being able to sleep all day. I am not able to sleep at all at the moment. I am tired and my eyelids are so heavy, but sleep never comes. I guess insomnia hits again, it's a never-ending circle. But I am concerned about your leg! I guess you had spoken with doctor since you got xray and usg. Did they say anything? Any ideas of what it could possibly be? It has to be something serious if you have problems with walking! How did you manage to go sightseeing in Prague? Babe, please, take care of yourself! And what does “health problem AGAIN” mean?! Have you had such a problem before?? It scares me like.. we just started adulthood? My friend sneezed and it made him lay in bed for 6 days not being able to move. Literally.

Yeah, I was in South Korea, but please, do not perceive me as your role model. Gods, it would be a terrible decision, really. But, I would love to share some stories with you if you want! I know it's a popular destination these days because of kpop. I used to listen to it, but I think a few years ago kpop was better? More interesting? Now I’m more into khh, but I think I can’t say that I’m into it anymore.

Talking about music! I discovered two new songs and I bet you know them already, but for me it was huge woah woah woah! First of it - Sabaton. Thay covered Metallica’s For Whom The Bell Tolls and they did it so good! Secondly - The Heart Asks Pleasure First. They basically made their own song based on one of my favourite piano songs. Oh my.. it’s sooo good!

And still talking about music! I just wanted to say that I also love our Wombo edits! That one with Ezio singing Stressed out was perfect! Mr Auditore looked very believably singing it. I liked the one with Edward and Haytham. I don’t know the song but it had such a christmas vibe! It made me think of Edward and Shay singing Last Christmas or some other shitty Christmas song together. Why them? No idea. I love Altair, but your latest headcanons could make me love them even more.

And! I just wanted to tell you that you inspired me to take japanese lessons on Duolingo. I am aware that such app won’t help me with learning such a language, but at least I can tell you that katakana sucks. Gods, I hate it so much. Hiragana is so pleasurable to learn. And I know katakana is visually similar, but it is a no no from me. I have learnt some basic kanji signs. And I just admire you so much more.

I hope you will have wonderful and peaceful week, Babe! Once again, please take care of yourself. Remember to have proper rest, sleep at least 8 hours and drink water! I hope your leg will be better soon!

🔪

Hey Knifey! I finally have the right mind set to respond to this ask!

So first of all thank you. You always make me blush with your kind words and I have no idea how to react! I want to squeaze you in a hug and give you all the sweets in the world!

As for the rest. You see i have always worked to hard on studying, so hard it actually burned out everything inside so now all i want to do i nothing! But i cant, i really want to go back to spending my free time in more creative way!

Omg Knifey! Finally i met a museum lover! And gods i want to visit them all! And you know? That Icelandinc museum sounds like such a goal, i want to go there 🥺 and Seoul museum of teddy bears?! I want to go there!

Honestly I love all museums and generally history. I enjoy visiting ruins of castles and villages, going to museums of everything! Art, machines, objects! There are always so many things and so many different ways to find the inspiration! And I always take so many photos for 'future references'. Some time ago i was in a gardens which showed different time of gardens of the world and there was this amazing exhibition of demons from Slavic mithology. That was so awesome! As well as Japanese garden!

In began restaurant i have this fried soy bites in some sweet-spicy sauce. So tasty! Im trying to recreate this recipe but so far its 1:0 for the soy :/

As for my leg. Its swollen AF bht i just... Put on my shoe and pretended it didnt exist. I can walk in good shoes but still im worried. As for that little again... I generally have some weird health issues. I had 5 surgeries for different stuff (spine, tumor, nose) so like... Generally i am healthy... Or at least i was until thst damned foot decided to show off. Its been 4 weeks and im still looking for a solution, running different tests and all. Hopefully they will figure out whag is going on.

Yes TELL ME ALL THE STORIES ABOUT KOREA.! I love stories, tell me everything!

Tbh i never listen ed to k-pop. I guess its just nkt my type of music but I enjoy some Japanese and Chinese songs (one i like is Arrogant by Xiao Zhang). I know songs you sent me and gods they are amazing! I love sabaton, rock/metal im general but I listen to all kind of music. Like Italian soundtrack from Winx, music from burlesque, Dragonforce, shanties. If there are k-pop songs you like you can always send then to me! Ill gladly listen to them all!

Im glad you like those wombos i guess i should make more! 😂😂

And gods. Katakana. 4 years of learning Japanese and I still need katakana board to remember those signs! And tbh i feel like Japanese duolingo has some mistakes ;/ but for Japanese i used lingodeer app and it was nice!

Knifey Im very sorry you have troubles sleeping. Is there something you can do to make it easier for you? Maybe you can take some melatonin pills? Maybe you are stressed? Can you maybe contact doctor, maybe they can help? I dont want anything bad to happen to you! Please take care of yourself? Pretty please?

Love you so much Knifey, you are such a sunshine and I just want you to be happy and healthy!

[crude-casey]

fuck it since im up im gonna reflect a bit.

still depressed, i guess lowkey suicidal bc i dont feel like im living anyway and continuing on a day to day basis is too much. its not worth it

im still lonely. barely speak to anyone anymore outside of my work. no close friends and definitely no emotional or physical intimacy in my life.

i doubt I'll ever really feel complete. there always something missinh. and the longet i try and fill that void the larger ut becomes. nothing is enough

ive lost interest in just about everything. i barely draw, play videogames, or make an effort to be productive in any way shape or form. i dont have the energy.

the few friende i do have i feel like i burden them. cause worry from months of being mia, lack of communication. not thst i dont want to talk, i have nothing interesting to say. im a bore and a burden . its just not worth it to have people who care about me when i couldnt carr less qbout my existence. it would make no difference to me if i just faded into oblivion.

im just so tired

[harmonhealing]

Surviving the slump!

So this lockdown has been tough, right?

Tougher than anyone of the others, if you ask me! And as the days have rolled into weeks, my usually motivated self has completly run of out steam. My only motivation has been to eat chocolate, drink wine and indulge in any carb I can get my hand on.

My fitness regime, has become non exists t and the only one getting fit around here is the Uber Eats delivery guy on his bicycle. 😂🚲

So finally deciding I'd have enough of general slobbery, or rather, that my clothes were far too tight and the shops weren't open 😂 This week I kicked my ass into gear and got thing back on track. As I write this, Its 8am on a Sunday morning. I am still in bed, and writing this, purely because the only muscles that aren't hurting right now are are my fingers..... And..... I LOVE IT! ❤️

This week I've eaten clean and the feeling that has come with it has been amazing. Gone is that feeling of food guilt and general disgust after destroying an eater egg, and its nice! To keep things real, and because I'm a very honest chocoholic, Im allowing myself 100 calories of chocolate a day... The good stuff! None of these supermarket own brands! Rather than just shoving this in my gob mindlessly I make sure to sit down with a cuppa and enjoy every bite! Honestly, taking the time to enjoy this makes it feel like much more of a treat and a bit of me time! And not depriving myself will help me sustain this.

Operation hydrate is back in full swing. My mission is to drink myself skinny. Not with alcohol, Might I add 😂 I'm drinking a minimum of 2 litres of water a day. I'd completly fallen off wagon here. What I've found has helped me get back into this good habit is thst I've bought a crate of individual bottles. When I'm focused and in the zone I am great at refilling a reusable bottle, but for now I'm allowing myself the less environmentally friendly individual bottles. I'll recycle these of course.. When this good habit is locked in, I'll be back to refilling my waterbottle. I really do find I am much more likely to grab and drink these ice cold. This is particularly effective when I go to the fridge, for the usual blank stare and check in that nothing new has magically appeared there. 😂

I've had a busy week of exercise hiking, walking, running and swimming. For me, the easiest way to commit and follow through is by arranging to meet people, outdoors of course! This creates huge accoutability and your are so much less likely to let a friend down, than break a promise to yourself to go for a run. As I get fitter I know I'll do more on my own but for now this life hack works. At the end of each activity I commit to my next. The feeling of being back moving and that post exercise tired and tightness is a feeling I've missed much more than I realised!

With moving more, I'm tired by evening. This is great - Apparently the easiest way to Lose weight is to sleep more. This one's a double whammy as it also stops late night snacking. Double bang for your buck! 😊😊😊

Finally the demon drink. The wine is gone! I wasn't a huge drinker to being with but had slipped into the habit or a glass or two each evening. This is possibly one of the biggest wastes of calories and purely bad habit. That been said Im a bit of a rebel and the word "no" doesn't resonate well with me. I haven't much fancied a drink what with my self imposed curfew but if I do I will allow myself but limit it to 1 or 2 low calories measured spirits with a mixer once a week.

All in all, its been a good week and I am really enjoying being off that self-sabbotage merry-go-round. The hardest step, by far, is making the decision to draw a line and make the change, but if, like me, you've slipped into a slump, I'd urge you to make thst decision today. You won't regret it for one moment and within a day or two will be wondering why you didn't do it sooner.

Summer bodies are earned in the spring - let's do this! 💪🚲 🏃‍♀️🏊‍♀️🧘‍♀️

#harmonhealing #rockyrachelsreturn #selfcare #backonthewagon #thecomeback #healthyliving #gettingfit #stayinghealthy

[graveyarddeer]

Mmmmm bad night so anyway daily reminder

Dont let others police you for your identity or anything. As long as you arnt hurting anybody, fucking exist. Exist to spite the world, spite at ppl who say you cant and tell them that you've gotten this far, you will survive longer.

If you want to find a reason to live, choose spite.

Also, ppl who do not fit in the usual gender norm deserve to exist. It does not matter whether or not a piece of paper says ehat you were at birth. It does not matter what clothes you wore what you were younger, what your name was, or anything.

They existed. They continue to exist. And anyone who says otherwise can fuck right off. Whether or not you're trans, nonbinary, or have a gender or multitude of genders that don't fit society's norm, you fucking exist. No swine on the internet can say otherwise. You're breathing. You've existed this far.

If you want a reason to continue, choose spite.

Also TERFs are just transphobes trying to hide themselves as fighters for women's rights. Dear terfs, you dont fucking care about womens rights. If you fucking cared, we would be hearing more about women getting rights, getting more protections, corrupt companies that benefit off the suffering of women getting shut down, but we dont. All we see are yall being vile and hateful, trying to push down others for fucking existing. Almost like yalls oppressors. Trauma is a healing process and there's a reason 'break the cycle' exists. How about yall sit down, and breath. Drink some water. Eat something. And take a break.

Life is a shitstorm, but its up to us to figure out how we'll approach it. I personally choose to be happy, to accept ppl for how they are. I may not get along with many, but i still met them and i cherish all since thats just another human being who has lived a life thst i have not seen, have gone through hardships i have not witnessed. And im proud of them for surviving this long. Qnd it makes me pissed off ehen they choose to face the world in anger, in hatred. It sickens me when they beat down others for existing.

Fuck yall, if you do that. Not even just terfs at this point, if youre racist, antisemitic, homophobic, biphobic, panphobic, or an exclusionary in any way, fuck you. You choose to face the world with hatred, with anger, and it fucking sickens me.

Anyway, rant over, im fucking tired and mildly annoyed. Hope yall have a nice day/night/evening

[kendrixtermina]

Every time I think I have a handle on this infefior Fe thing or even start to consider wether I might actually be a feeler or something, a THING happens

"Sometimes I feel like you wouldn't care if I died in a ditch somewhere?" Seriously? Does he have eyes and ears in his head? This just comes out of fucking nowhere like WTF

I mean I know that relationships are supposed to be work and that there are no perfect people, but I thought Id finally found a person who actually likes me being me and gets deep stuff and now he's giving me all this vague shallow bullshit about doing my hair nice (but NOT in ways he doesnt like. Im already disentangling long hair I would otherwise never bother with every morning because of him) i lost like 15 kilos just like he wanted.

Would always listen to his - and I dont even want to be citing this like its some chore I do, i listen to him because hes an interesting person- I just thought he thought the same of me but now im wondering if he realizes im a person at all. All this whole tirade because I did not feel like fucking after an ardous journey. Like I like it aa much as he does I go along almost every time but im a *person* who is tired or busy sometimes

Yet here hes going on about how there ought to be some ill-defined "excitement" when talking to the opposite gender that he somehow says isnt there like I dont even know, or have a sense for what hes talking about

- and that compliment sandwich about "oh sure in some ways yore smarter than me" even though hes the one whose career is taking off and shit and ge tscked on "get a job"

"It shouldnt be an effort, it should just cone from you automatically" and accusing me of montrous coldheartedness just bc im busy sometimes you know just like he is

I thought he thought I was "nice" and that he admired me, I thought he liked that I didnt pry in his business and didnt mind if he spent a long time working and then sone shit about " its not like I want to go back to those vchicks who would nag me" like its a choice between cancer and aids.

Like hiw can someone who seems like such a deep person care about such shallow crap of all sudden.

Cant I just have a hunan connection without any of that shallow performative gender roles bullshit tacked on???

I really dont want to go all aggro tumblr chick on this but its making me understand the temptation

Like this has zero to do with whats going on inwardly like I know I'm not the worlds most sociable person and i might as well be blind and deaf as far as this whole social cues bullshit goes but why do people always have to conflate that with a person's feelings or lack thereof?

And that shit about how "ozs weird to stand next to you when you suddenly talk about murder".. with my own sister, who gets my humor?!

One part of me wants to freak out and do penance in a hermitage, another wants to storm out in an insulted huff but what I'm actually gonna do is probably none of those things.

I meam we kind of talked it over and communicated things im partially just venting this shit here do its out of my system and done with I realize I cant ask to br told the whole truth and then turn around a throw a tantrum

I just dont want to live with someone who thinks im sn antisocial freak, you know, just like them shoolyard bullies. Who might be the reason why I may ir may not be unreasonably touchy about this

I understand that O cant alwaxd have my will and comprpmises are part of relationships but I dont want to perform any sort extensive exhaustivr fakery in my own home, you can either have an attractive mask or a real human connection like otherwuse itd not worth it

Maybe my expectations were unrealistic like of course humans arr products of their societies theres not really any point in getting hing up on "he said this" or "she said that"

Im just such an idiotic sucker for anyone telling me im special or that theire "chosing" me ever since bloody gradeschool, I tell myself to be realistic anf not to expect the huge abd romantic but I still want to believe that its *somewhere* out there.

Im not going to make any decisions right now or do anything rash but Im also experiencing a certain degree of "UH I haze everything why is nothing ever good why doesnt life ever make sense"

I mean if hes not happy with this and we cant even get that bare minimun of communication across what is even remotely the POINT

Thats ehy I was reluctant to move in together because now it would be a huge hassle to exist snd im just going to calm down and do nothing and well just stay there being mildly but not critically miserable out of sheer inertia or at least that was the silly nightmare thst I kept telling myself was just anxious bullshit jitters that made no sense

It really makes me want to never talk to humans ever again and at the same time I just feel stupid because I realize how childish and overdramatic that seems

Its not possible not helpful so I wont actually do it but like all of this just drains my already limited energy that I could be using for useful thongs or at least to enjoy my holiday

Like I would like to claim that Im a poetic soul behind my shitty social skills but what do I even base that on? And it frightens me when people aufdenlx bring out those vsgue formless things I have no control over and treat it as if it were indicative of ME.

Thats why I always preferred to express myself in writing over the intertubes. Its not like people never misunderstanf or dislike me for that but at least its for flaws or positions that are part of my actual personality

I think im beyond all this and older and wiser and more differentiated and understand everything better but in the end im still sick of being seen as a freak and having to play all these pointless social games

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this morning i watched him simply turn to his mother, "oh yeah did i tell you about the bin" - a source of financial frustrations for him. and that brief moment, that opportunity and ability to turn to someone and say hey, heres this thing at a drop of a hat. i really yearn for that. most if not all of my current connecrions eith people are totally false. theres no substance or genuine care. theres just this surface level like you dont want to see a dog withiut water but youre not going to adopt the dog. lately ive felt extremely isolated - i dont know if its even worth talking about. i dot know if talking about it will solve it or make it easier. i guess i think abiut this one tidbit of advice his mother got, its about creating and living in a new normal. what was once normal for you is over and you have to create a new normal for you. so my new normal is spending a lot of time alone. even if i worked, perhaps itd bother me less because id be distracted and tired and that in itself is sad. no matter what there is an extreme looming sadness. why the fuck does any of this matter, why do i care - why should i go on? whats the purpose of going on? what do i have besides the belief thst "everything is out there for me" as if i magixally decided to hibernste and ignore what opportunities i had available. i am a god damn termite to people. im just like.. this thing that hovers around and sucks your resources but you feel bad for it so you let it go. lately ive noticed the air of desperstion i carry. i want to be around people. i want to care and be cared for. i want to be active in someones life and have someone message me and ask me whats up on a regular basis and just.. you kbow, care. but the more i want it the more people have turned away. i offer everything for it laid out in front of me - my house, my food, what little money i have, the opportunities i manage to come up with - i just keep offering it all out so i can have it in return. or maybe just a portion of it. i believe im worthy of love. i dont live in such a state of depression; i have a variety of interests, i hold good conversations about politics and life and philosophy, i am creatively ralented and my domestic skills are top notch as are my hosting skills. i am worthy of love. but i am not receiving it. i am inherently shielded from love. like its sketchy and gross. like im a diseased animal. maybe they want to love me but they cant because im a person who cant be loved. i want to go out and do things with people but i am not invited. i dont even think its a personal thing, i think they coukd even think i wont have the means or care to be involved. sometimes i dont. but im never asked out for a coffee or a drink. my friendships come by happenstance, as they always have, and thoee hwppenstance friendships have never lasted. why am i never asked oto do interesting or fun things? not even free things? im isolated and im constantly constantly constantly reaching out for something. just wow, thank you for talking to me. like i have to beg people to hang out, double, triple check they didnt forget and once im there they busy themselves with anything but a direct connection to me. i watched this right to die documentary. it was focused towards mental and unseen health issues and the argument was made that perhaos in sone of these cases, if they expended as much energy tryi to help them live as they did helping them die, the might actully not want to die. but i think society ca be like that. they would rather help you die, little by little, piece by piece, than expend the energy to help you live. i realized i am very different from others thiugh. people tend to accept a very small amount of "help" as sonething large and amazing that they did. they donated, had a coffee eith a friend whos been down for months, did a birthday psrty gig cheap etc. but i would literally accept them into my house right now and bathe them and feed them and give them my clothes and make them a bed and listen to them cry for hours endlessly. this is without question. all they have to do is ask. maybe not even ask - ill offer if i think theyy could use it. because it hurts me not to. i feel really anxiously guilty and it will be invasive to my life knowing i didnt give everything i couldve to a person i thiught needed help that i had grown a bond eith. THATS how ive been walked on for a long time. i alloeed it, maybe asked for it, because i believe in helping. i know how bad life is. i live in the trenches of it. i dont want to see another person suffer the same way. i think id gut myself and give a kidney to someone i loved. life is too hard and i feel too much. once you know what true loneliness is, it really changes you as a person. it changes and shifts your perspective and at times i feel like i want to be the most genrrous person, thst im moved by suffering but at other times i am bitter. absolutrly bitter towards the world around me. why is there suffering and why is it sonlarge you cant do anythint abiut it. why could i say every person i know is "crazy" - no one is crazy . everyone truly is exactly the way they needed o be to survive this long. they developed their own coping skills and theyre more than likelt a total inconvinience to everyone else. which makes it "crazy" i was called neurotic. im not crazy, im neurotic. why am i bothered. why. why do i care. i dont care. thats the problem. i "care" because my environment forced me not to care to a point that everything is utterly futile. i cannot find a purpose to care. i dont care about having things. i dont. i barely care about eating. i barely care about affording smokes. these are things i "want" at rhe very least and nothing pushes me for it. nothing gets me up and solving these problems. nothing makes me feel like any of this is important eniugh to have and experience and be. why? in the end , theres nothing. i cannot get over the pure nothingness ahead of me. thats reqllt driving my anxiety. to me, i see nothing. i dont see myself with this job or career i want to be apart of, actively socializing and existing, i dont see myself living in an apartment or basement or shack or trailer, i dont see a family, no children, no reliability, no stability. is it my environment. is it the people i know. is it my city. is it the country. how do i solve this. what can i do to create purpose? i went out, i joined clubs, i put on shows, i picked up hobbies, i met new people, worked new gigs, experienced new romances but to what purpose. what do i do now. how do i enjot life? i admired his ability to enjoy life as is. like he takes joy in small things and everything is meaningful and worth value. he created purpose in his work and drive. he still does. i want that. at the very least. start small, right? i want to find wonder and joy in my world. i want to feel what he feels; going hiking, bike riding, buileing things, playing games, friendships - theres just like accomplishment in it. i try to implement this, regularly. i really try. a d being poor makes it easy because you learn to appreciate things alot more. i am so grateful for the ability to have what i have. and i create these scenarios and try to appreciate its novelty, i guess. like painting in an artists studio in a gallery. it should be an experience, something creative and inspiring. but no matter how hard i try to shine the experience, its nothing more than a gsthering space for fuck ups. i hate it. i hate it but how do i change it and what do i want. what do i want so i know the path to take for it. i willingly try new things with ease becahse i hope itll be the thing. something will click and this will be it but im 27 yrs old and ive had many experiences thst led to nothing. always nothing. and i grasp. i like cats. maybe ill work in a pet store. but thats crazy, a pet store is mearly retail and retail is nothing more than stocking shelves and talking to people. othing to do with cats. do i go to school? do i dedicate my being for the welfare of cats? is it that important to my life? do i cook? professionally? what about baking? a greenhouse? floral designer? "just get -a- job". fine. fine. fine. get -a- job, but then what? i can eat but i have no desire to. i can buy nice things, go places - have no desire to. fantastic, im not a burden to anyone - the real goal. but i have nothing. and its so hard, so fucking hard to comprehend nothing when you know something. i never imagined the reality of nothing on such a level. ever. i knew it would come, but the heavy reality of it is something i never couldve known. so no one understands having a tangible "something" and feeling nothing. what is a nice house. what is a nice car. what is luxury and why does it matter and why dont i feel the same way about it? its nice, its easy, its beautiful- i see it. but why doesnt it make me feel the same way it does him and my exs and my friends. why dont i care? i think.. 5 hours ahead of me, really. i try to think a day or so ahead but i never go through with anything i think ill do a day from now. who knows what will happen. who knows if i get an opportunity for honest interacrion, who knows if i earn money - but i know in five hours ill still be here. ill probably want weed. ill probably want food. maybe ill be tired and sleep early or nap until someone bothers to acknowledge me. maybe they wont, but thatll be for me in five hours to deal with and itll start over again. working paycheck to paycheck is nothing like living hour to hour. i am in the absolute worst position of my life, bar none. i have never been so bad off, so depressed, so hopeless for such a long period of time. i am totally lost. always. j

[fuckinrawr]

Some night I sit here and stare at the darkness and realize how alone iam

And i just scream.

I scream so hard.

Nothing comes out.

I scream until my blood boils.

I scream until my muscles ache.

I scream until I feel something inside slightly break.

And then

I'm okay

For just a bit.

I just wonder how long until I break.

My mind hurts so bad.

And i just don't want to be alone.

I just want someone to give me back what I give them.

I don't want excuses.

I don't want failed promises.

I just want to be shown iam worth the time.

Iam actually okay.

Because I don't feel that way.

But everyone tells me I will.

And they just don't get that how iam.

Is a person who's meant to be there for someone.

It's how I actually exist.

Meanwhile I'm on standby.

My head is full of fuck.

Everything slowly turns to static in my mind.

And i go out there and I make friends and I shoot my shots.

And i reload.

And i reload.

And i run out of ammo.

And im just tired or digging through the trenches for some ammunition.

My heart. Hurts. Badly.

It's. Like its been cut with a hot knife.

And i cant do anything about it except bare the pain.

I've healed from my relationship.

That's not what this searing pain in my chest is.

This pain is lonliness.

And im starting to run wild.

Like a blade without a sheath to return home to.

Cutting many in its path with no regard.

Every time regard is given a knick is placed in the blade.

And im ready to return home.

But I just. Can't find it.

My mind is weak.

And im tired.

I'm so tired.

I slept 14 hours yesterday. After being used again.

I'd rather have felt something than nothing I guess.

I know I was used because seeing me wasn't worth it until I said one word about pounding my cum inside you.

Suddenly the trip must be made.

Fuck thst I have a migraine.

Gotta. Get. Dick.

You tried to comfort me. You rubbed my head a while and it wasn't bad.

But your 35 and couldn't stay the night.

Couldn't stay 4 hours.

Idk.

I'm being selfish as well.

But I deserve something.

I'm going to break.

And if I do no one will reach me.

I'm trying really really really really hard.

I just dont even think it matters is the worst part.