#im that guy in blue clapping in the background SIR

[samijey]

and the boyfriend of the year award goes to.........

[stovetuna]

Imagine Steve/Avengers walking in to Tony entertaining two soldiers in the common room and being really confused because Tony??? Despises the military??? But then find out that those two soldiers are actually from the “fun-vee” way back in IM 1 and Tony’s fitting them with prosthetics.

ahhh this has been stuck in my head for DAYS anon! I don’t necessarily agree with the assessment that Tony hates the military, per se (doing business with the military and the military industrial complex, however, and all that that toxic shit entails, definitely yes), BUT it’s such a heartbreaking/warming concept I had to run with it! I think I got it right with Air Force vs Army, but the movie was kinda vague—I’m going off of the fact that the driver said “I’m an airman,” which you would not say if you were in the Army.

and since the airmen (and woman) Tony was traveling with in the Fun-Vee are canonically deceased, I thought I’d have Tony do something…well, Extremely Tony™ to compensate…

(::whispers:: also we’re just gonna pretend that the Bucky-killed-Tony’s-parents-revelations of Cap 2/3 aren’t a thing in this vaguely alternate MCU universe. la-di-da, la-di-da…)

***

It’s not surprising to walk into the Avengers common area and see Tony Stark working on something no one can quite comprehend. That’s par for the course, really, as commonplace as days that end in Y. Machines, phones, tablets, watches, the toaster after Hulk pressed the cancel button a little too hard—they’ve seen Tony futzing with just about everything that exists in the Tower (and some things that don’t—couldn’t—exist anywhere else except where Tony is). 

What the team isn’t expecting when the elevator doors open onto the communal floor that sunny Tuesday afternoon is a living room scattered with men and women in various states of modest undress, all of whom immediately pivot in place to take stock of the new arrivals. Three men, one woman, and in the middle of their protective circle is Tony, eyes blazing with the same thrill of invention he often gets in the lab, a pair of needle-nose pliers clenched in his teeth.

Steve in particular notices the way Tony looks, because he’s developed a bad habit of doing that over the past year and change, and he’s kind of helpless at this point. Tony’s backlit by the afternoon sun, preoccupied with whatever he’s doing with the strange woman’s arm to distraction, and Steve can’t be judged too harshly—anyone with eyes would drag theirs over the exposed muscles of Tony’s arms, the shift and flex of his shoulders, the firm taper of his waist, the pronounced curve of his a—

“Are we, uh, interrupting something?” Clint has to shout to be heard above the music blasting from all corners of the room. 

Tony looks up from his work and waves his free hand, the one that isn’t wrist-deep in what looks remarkably like a prosthetic arm. He makes a ‘cut it off’ motion to his neck before taking the pliers out of his mouth while FRIDAY lowers the rock music to a dull background hum. 

“Hey! Sorry, I tried to keep it to the lab, but these guys wanted to see where the Avengers hang out, and I couldn’t say no.” 

Steve tears his eyes away from Tony (who should really work the sweaty-and-disheveled-mechanic look more often) to take in the others in the room with him. It’s a panorama of people, and the first thing Steve notices, besides their more obvious differences, is how comfortable they all are with each other, to the point that walking in on this moment feels invasive, almost rude. 

The four are all of remarkably different builds and backgrounds, not a similarity between them: an African American man, no taller than Steve was before the serum, sits on the couch; a white man, thin as a rake and twice as tall, is reaching for a glass of water on the coffee table; an Asian American man, whose shoulders are somehow even broader than Steve’s, stands rigidly next to Tony, arms folded across his chest; and the lone woman, whose glossy black hair is wound tightly in a bun at the back of her head. Steve notes the beautifully elaborate Native American tattoo covering the expanse of her shoulders and upper back. 

Then Steve notices the high-and-tights, the form-fitting, drab beige shirts they’re all wearing, the combat boots lined up behind the loveseat, and he realizes, much like he did with Sam that morning in DC, oh—these are my people.

“Ah, well, welcome to the octagon!” Clint says with an easy smile, stepping forward to shake hands and say hello like a normal human being. Natasha gives Steve one of her looks before she and Sam follow him into the living room—I don’t know any more than you do.

Bruce, Wanda, and Vision stay behind with Steve to let the first wave through. Steve watches his teammates greet the airmen without fanfare, welcoming strangers into their private midst like it’s routine. 

“Didn’t know y’all would be around, else we would’ve stayed outta sight.” 

Sam laughs, clapping the sitting man on the shoulder. “Dude, if Tony told us you were here, I would have come downstairs and bugged you, myself.” 

“Sure, PJ—you just wanted to see what real Air Force muscle looks like,” the man grins, flexing his barrel chest hard enough to strain his shirt. Sam guffaws and gives him a friendly punch to the shoulder, which the man returns in kind with a fist to the kidney. 

Clint is already deep in conversation with the redheaded beanpole, who talks so fast it’s dizzying; Natasha is standing next to the third man, keeping her eyes forward, and together they watch Tony disappear back into his work, muttering things back and forth to each other, so quiet even Steve can’t hear. 

“I think all is clear,” Vision says smoothly, drifting forward with Wanda, who is visibly fascinated by the woman’s tattoo until she steps into the throng and sees something that makes her face fall. 

Steve moves forward, curious and worried in equal measure. Bruce is hot on his heels. 

“—I mean it’s crazy right? It’s crazy, Tony Stark, Tony Stark calls us up out of the blue one day and says ‘You’ll be waiting six months to a year for a decent repair job, let alone a complete replacement, and I owe you guys, come on by Avengers Tower—”

Redhead is gabbing excitedly, gesticulating like Tony does when he’s in the mad depths of an invention binge. Steve sees the glint of metal and hears the whir of mechanisms working smoothly together in tandem and realizes both of the man’s hands are prosthetic. 

“Oh man! Oh, man! Captain, sir, wow, it’s—fuck, shit, my mama would kill me for swearing in front of you, fucking—shit, sorry, fuck—ah, damn it!”

Steve smiles and introduces himself—Corporal Bill Levee, apparently, is just as talkative up close. For all that his hand is made of metal, his grip feels remarkably, tangibly real. 

While Bill goes back to talking compound bows with Hawkeye, Steve looks at the man on the couch. Sam and Vision are now sitting on either side of him: both of his legs end at mid-thigh, and in their place are what look like brand-new metal limbs, designed to match his proportions exactly. The metal is dark, shiny, beautiful. He looks thrilled. He looks even more excited when Steve approaches, leaps to his feet and doesn’t even balk at the fact that Steve is a head and change taller than him and a superhero—he just steps right up to Steve and jabs him once in the shoulder with a grin. 

“Captain Rogers,” he says, and sticks out his hand. Steve shakes it. The man points a thumb at himself: “Captain Freddy Harrison. A little after your time, sir, but an honor to meet you regardless.”

Bill is still talking a mile a minute behind him; Freddy sits back down on the couch and lets Steve continue his “Captain America Meet-and-Greet” but makes him promise to come back and swap stories, which Steve does, happily, even as his mind whirls. How does Tony know these people? Why are they here? Where did these prosthetics come from? 

Bruce has joined Natasha, standing apart from the rest to talk to her and her new friend. Steve stops to say hello, as is only right, waiting until he’s entered the man’s line of sight to do so. Only then does he realize that the man has no line of sight, because both of his eyes are prosthetic. 

“I’m not completely blind, Captain,” he says, voice low but good-humored. Next to him, Natasha smothers a smile behind her hand. 

“Steve, this is Sergeant Daniel Kwon,” Bruce offers. The sergeant smirks and extends a hand—the eyes in his sockets look incredibly lifelike, but don’t move even a fraction of a millimeter. They gleam, still, with an uncanny sense of knowing. Steve has a sneaking suspicion they see more than enough and match his original eyes perfectly. 

“I’ll still make an exception in your case, Sergeant Kwon,” Steve replies, shaking his hand, “for not saluting a ranking officer.”

Dan chuckles under his breath.

“Let’s see your battlefield commission and then we’ll talk rank, sir,” he says. 

“Ugh, men.”

Steve turns around, and there’s Tony, flipping shut a panel high on the woman’s left arm with a smile. He pockets the pliers and drags the back of his forearm across his glistening forehead. Somewhere in the back of Steve’s mind, a saxophone is blaring. 

Honestly, the intrusive thoughts he could deal with, but the fact that Tony looks this good after hours of hard labor really isn’t fair. 

“Seriously, barely two minutes in and you military guys are at it like frat bros at a kegger.” Tony looks sidelong at the woman, who rolls her shoulders with a pop and a groan. “How do you manage?” 

“Easy,” she says, “I let them drink until they pass out and then I run back to the women’s barracks with all their clothes so they have to walk across the TOC butt-naked.”  

“I think we need to compare our respective strategies,” Natasha says, taking Wanda’s arm on her way to greet the other woman. “This is Wanda; I’m Natasha.”

The woman turns to face them. Her features are striking in a way that makes Steve think of old friends from the war, men he met on those rare occasions he had leave. He’d listen to Native American Code Talkers tell stories of land and legacy and home, stories older than anything Steve had ever known. He’d never been so humbled. 

“Delores,” she replies, shaking their hands. “But please, call me Del, or I’ll never hear the end of it.”

Steve looks at Tony, who giggles—giggles—and mouths ‘Umbridge.’ Del must have ears like a bat, because she smacks him smartly with her prosthetic arm and Tony yelps before devolving into outright laughter. Steve could watch and listen to Tony laugh—that big, gut-wrenching cackle Tony thinks is unattractive but Steve thinks makes Tony look like happiness personified—all day. 

The conversation devolves quickly from there, and within a couple of excitable minutes, the airmen are eager to get a look at the Avengers’ game room. They pile into the elevator, talking animatedly over each others’ heads, placing bets and picking teams as the doors close. 

In their wake, Steve’s ears are buzzing, and he realizes with a jolt that he’s now alone. With Tony. 

It happens often enough that the fact itself isn’t jarring, but something about being alone with disheveled-frazzled-happy-sweaty Tony sets Steve’s nerves on high alert. Tony is loose-limbed and relaxed, moving in and out of Steve’s space as he picks his way around the living room barefoot, looking for discarded tools. 

“There you are,” he coos at a tiny device that looks remarkably like a laser pointer. Knowing Tony, it’s probably a real laser. He pockets it, assumably to put away later (or fish out of the laundry at the last minute). 

“Who are those people, Tony?” 

“Friends of friends,” Tony replies. Steve also knows Tony well enough to recognize his I am being deliberately vague voice when he hears it. 

“Uh-huh.” Steve sits on the arm of the sofa, legs stretched out in front of him. “And who are they really?” 

“Who wants to know?”

“Me,” Steve says gently, scratching his palms with dulled fingernails. “They’re strangers, and they’re in our home. I think if you were in my shoes you’d want to know.” 

Tony stoops to pick up and pocket what looks like a dissected nine-volt battery. Steve kind of wants to ask, but he’s too distracted by Tony’s ass in those black Levis to ask any cogent questions. Seriously, he wonders, are those painted on?

Only when Tony sighs, and quite heavily, that Steve realizes this was more than just a friendly house call (of sorts) on Tony’s part. He watches Tony stand up, facing the floor-to-ceiling windows bright with the glow of sunset, and admires the way Tony suits the view so perfectly. He looks good all the time, but like this—skin burnished gold, brown eyes honeyed by the light—he’s something else. Someone Steve wants, desperately, but like most things in his life, knows he’s not allowed to have. Tony Stark is beyond him in so many ways. Reaching for him seems futile, so Steve stays on the ground, and looks. 

Tony fidgets nervously with a mini Phillips Head screwdriver, twiddling it in his long, clever fingers as he stares out the windows at the city sprawled out beneath them. 

“They’re from the same company as the guys in the convoy I was with when I—when they—” his voice sputters out before he can say the words. Steve doesn’t push. He doesn’t say anything. He just waits for Tony to gather himself. It’s one of the hardest lessons he’s had to learn about Tony Stark—sometimes it’s better to let him get a handle on himself, rather than jump in and try to handle Tony for him. It doesn’t change the fact that Steve wants nothing more than to hold his hand, now that it’s hanging at his side like its string was just cut. “A while back I dug into Air Force records, talked to Rhodey, got some names. Five people died in the hit that was meant for me. I figured, the least I could do was find five of their closest buddies who needed help.” 

Tony glances back at Steve—the little smile on his lips could break Steve’s heart if he let it.

“And I’ve heard you talk about how convoluted the VA is when it comes to services and benefits and whatnot. I figured, my tech probably took their limbs, I should cut out the middle man and give them new ones, myself.” 

Something in Steve’s heart shifts irrevocably before kicking into a whole new gear. By the end of the sentence, Steve knows he’s going to do something incredibly rash, the only question is when. 

Funny—ten minutes ago he was coming back from a team exercise, prepared to give Tony a friendly but firm talking-to about missing it, and instead here he is, breathless, heart racing, sitting and listening to Tony talk humbly about fixing people because he knows it’s the right thing to do. Because it’s the least he can do. And isn’t that the wildest understatement Steve’s ever heard? 

As if anything about Tony Stark could ever possibly be least. 

“You built them all those prosthetics?” 

“Top of the line!” Tony smirks, saluting Steve with his Phillips Head. “Nothing more high tech in any of them than a heart rate monitor and some other odds and ends—no rocket launcher eyes, don’t worry. I kept my baser urges in check with these.” 

“It’s good,” Steve blurts out, too loud and too fast. Tony inhales sharply, fingers clenching around the screwdriver hard enough his knuckles go white. Steve feels his face go hot and groans. “I mean, what you did—what you’re doing—is good, Tony. It’s really generous of you to do that for those guys.” 

Steve crosses his arms across his chest to make himself feel safer, more contained. If he doesn’t, who knows where these ridiculous feelings might go. He feels silly enough as it is, blushing and stammering while dressed in his uniform, sans helmet. Even Tony’s probably wondering why he’s wasting his time talking to a red-white-and-blue fossil when he could be downstairs destroying Clint and the others at pool or showing the airmen around the tower, giving them the bells-and-whistles tour. 

Tony looks at the floor, away from Steve. Steve feels it like a physical thing, Tony pulling away, retreating, wanting to hide. Amazing, how a man who almost literally wears his heart on his sleeve still thinks he doesn’t have one. 

“Yeah, well,” Tony mutters, “it’s good practice, anyways.” 

Steve’s thoughts grind to a halt. 

“Practice for what?” 

Tony starts moving around, shuffling back and forth across the living room floor, looking for something that probably isn’t there. Steve knows when Tony is avoiding eye contact with him—it happens often enough. 

“Just a pet project, nothing major. Hey, have you seen my cable knife anywhere?” 

“Did you leave it on the floor? Tony…”

“I know, I know, the only thing worse is Legos, but I was busy! You can’t blame me for—OW FUCK!” 

Like a shot, Steve is up and holding on to Tony so he doesn’t hop backwards into the glass coffee table. One arm wrapped around his back and the other hand on his bicep, Steve steadies Tony as Tony searches underfoot for whatever hurt him. 

He comes up with a magnet the size of a dime. 

“Ha,” Tony wheezes. “Speaking of Legos.” He drops it into his pocket along with the laser pointer and whatever else is in there and hangs his head. Rubbing his brow, Tony says: “God. I could sleep for a week after today.” 

Steve keeps holding Tony. He should let go, but opportunities like this so rarely present themselves. Plus, Tony feels so good under his hands, strong and warm and just small enough to envelope in a hug if Steve let himself, if Tony wanted him to, and Tony does look dead on his (adorable, bare) feet…

“What else have you been working on today? This pet project?” 

“Hah?” Tony breathes, still wincing slightly from stepping on the magnet. “Oh yeah. For Bucky, when you find him. Ow, motherfucker, that hurt…”

The thing about being in Tony Stark’s presence is, it’s so easy to lose the plot. Tony’s mind moves faster than Steve could ever hope to match, mentally or physically; he’s always one pace behind, catching up. It’s fine, though; he actually kind of likes it, being challenged the way Tony challenges him, delighting in the push-pull of their banter and debates, the way Tony teaches him about science and tech and the 21st century without being condescending. Steve gets to a point where he thinks he knows Tony, how he operates, how his brain works—then moments like this happen, and it’s like he’s sprinted smack into a brick wall. 

“What?” 

“What?” 

“Bucky, you said—are you designing a new arm? For Bucky?” 

Tony seems to notice their position at that exact moment. Steve feels him blaze with heat where his hands are touching Tony’s bare skin. 

“Uh. Maybe?” At Steve’s look, Tony bites his lip and sighs. “Fine. Yeah, I am. Can you blame me? The thought of Sputnik wandering around the tower with that Cold War-era paperweight hanging off him when I’ve got brand-spanking-new, finely-tuned StarkTech all but ready to go? Perish, Steve, perish the thought.”

Tony is smiling up at him from his place in Steve’s arms, relaxed now, almost leaning into him, and all Steve can think is, he belongs here. 

“What’s that face?” Tony asks, curious but still smiling. He pokes Steve in the middle of the forehead with a cheeky grin. “Keep frowning like that, your face’ll stick.”

When, apparently, is right now. 

When Steve reaches up and takes Tony’s hand, he gets to watch Tony’s thoughts run into the wall, for once. 

When he weaves their fingers together, he gets to watch Tony’s mouth click shut and his eyes go wide. Super-hearing means he can count the beats of Tony’s racing heart without having to feel them. Steve’s telegraphing every movement, every feeling, as much as he possibly can now that words seem to have escaped him. 

He must manage okay, because the look that passes over Tony’s face is the same one Steve’s seen in the mirror a thousand times since the day he realized he was halfway in love with Tony Stark: wonder, one part lost, one part found. 

When he leans down, slowly, Steve gets to watch Tony’s beautiful eyes flicker and shut. He counts the dark lashes where they rest on Tony’s high cheekbones, breathes in his smell and listens to the shudder in his exhale before drawing him in for a kiss that draws everything else to a quiet, blissful blank.

When Tony pushes his fingers up into Steve’s hair, scratching lightly at the nape of his neck, Steve drops his arms around Tony’s waist and pulls him in close with a soft groan. He’s warm and messy and still holding that damn screwdriver, but he kisses Steve soft and eager like it’s the only thing he wants to do for the rest of his life, folds himself into Steve’s embrace like he wants to build a home right there in his arms. 

One day Steve will tell him he already did, a long time ago, and it wasn’t the least of anything. 

*** 

more fics on AO3!

[go-bonkers-go-foolish]

highlights of The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals

this is gonna be a long one. spoilers ahead.

the CHOREOGRAPHY

not to mention the special effects, the team Went Off for this one

lauren lopez’s OUTFIT....,,,,,, im gay

lauren lopez in general

“where the Fuck is he”

mariel’s already kicking so much ass and it’s literally the first TWO MINUTES MA’AM CALM DOWN

“the touring production OF M A M M A  M I A’

‘the L A T T E H O T T I E as she’s knownthroughouttheland” jesus god joey

“oh nooooooo so meeeeean” *flips guy off*

who the fuck organized these quick changes man they’re killer

‘i’m on Vocal Rest’ “what??” “I’M ON VOCAL---”

“she hired all her theatre friends and they will not S H U T  T H E  F U C K U P P P P” 

“do you know how much of that money ACTUALLY GOES to the turtles???” “well none of it i just made that up”

“i NEVER miss a musical and if anyone thinks that makes me LESS of a man they can talk to my fUCKING GUN”

lauren and joey smoking weed

“I MAY NOT HAVE A HOOOOOOMEEEE”

fr though when does this soundtrack drop on spotify

“ok..... ok............ OK...... okay.....*behind the set* ok.......”

“he said he was coming home late last night...” “HE DIDN’T COME HOME AT ALL! .......i dunno i wasn’t there.”

*musical theatre voice* “So whAt dO yOU WanT, pAuL???”

*singing beautifully* “i want you to choke me..........while i jerk off.........”

“HELLO?????? PLEASE G O D, I JUST WANT A BLACK COFFEE”

The Tip Song™

it’s not like i already learned the choreo to it or anything

A N D  W E ‘ L L  B R I N G  I T  R I G H T  U P

“I was in BRIGADOOOOON in high school and i FUCKIN’ KILLED IT”

“fucKING GROSS”

the (honestly downright chilling) Tip Song Reprise

on that one bit that’s like “jack, jaCK, jACK, JACK...”

man i got CHILLS

“whose decision was it to line an alleyway with SHRUBS” *walking through audience*

think about the I M P L I C A T I O N S

*bill jumping out of a trash can* “NO IT’S NOT ALL RIGHT PAUL”

“we were just at beanie’s---”  *ted, jumping out of the trash can*: “YOU DIDN’T INVITE ME!!!???”

“uhh, fuck you?”

“she’s the....the barista, from beanie’s? ya know, the.......l a t t e h o t t i e .....” *regrets so hard he astral projects into another dimension*

*soothing tone* “we have to get out of downtown okay? downtown is FUCKED.”

“we cannot split up, ok? i am a presbyterian, i am not gonna die in your dirty-ass methodist church.”

“who is it?!”  “professor hidgins???”  “don’t lie to me, whoever you are. I’M professor hidgins.”

“this is paul, and....them.”

“i theorized this exact scenario THIRTY YEARS AGO”

“Emma!! what does this look like to you?” “i dunno, some kind of blue...shit???”

“EXACTLY! what the Fuck™ is this Shit????”

“ted,,,you’re such a Horny Bastard” *dramatic slow motion gasps*

ted and charlotte really just decided to Fuck right there didn’t they

the audience screaming when ted and charlotte decided to Fuck right there

*sam suddenly rises from the dead* “CHARLOTTEEEE” *charlotte screams*

“now, i’m gonna free up your heart, baby...” (proceeds to LITERALLY RIP OUT INTESTINES)

that short bit where he’s holding charlotte bridal-style with all the guts and shit...little shop of horrors WHOMST

“I AM GONNA......KICK YOUR HEAD.”

“show me that rOuNDhOusE”

emma’s monologue about her sister...holy shit.

“we hated you guys.” “we hated ourselves! :D”

“it is time.....TO DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE”

“you killed charlotte!” “i shot a charlaTAN!”

the attempt at singing moana

bill quietly singing “circle of life” in the background

whoever wrote these monologues is going off too holy SHIT man

“i will NEVER...be in a FUCKING musical.”

“...and suddenly, i’m defending Grace Chastity of all people!”

bill’s devotion to his daughter actually kills me he deserved so much better

“did you know that i wanted to live with you? but when you needed to fight, you gave her that too.” OUCH.

“i’m not gonna let you die.” *bill immediately gets shot*

the army sound effects

“Special unit P-E-I-P, we call it PEIP.” “i’ve never heard of you guys.” “and you never will. not a PEIP.”

“do you like coffee, son?”   “yes sir”   “Do you like musicals, son?”   “no sir”   “...now that’s a goddamn red-blooded american *aggressive salute*”

“its 2018.......”

“my first love was..and always will be..*reveals keyboard* M U S I C A L  T H E A T R E!!!!” 

a moment of appreciation for the most dramatic seat ever taken at a keyboard

SHOW STOPPING NUMBER!!!!!

“....mind if i give you the pitch?” “we don’t have time---” “fuckin’ GO FOR IT!”

Working Boys™

“...........aNd cHaD” 

TED’S SO INTO THIS GODDAMN PITCH SJBKHJHD

F I V E  O  C L O C K  C A N T  C O M E  S O O N  E N O U G H

“should I take this chair????”

“BYE! Fuuuuuuuuck that...”

helicopter acting™

“F U C K  Y O U,  H A T C H E T F I E L D!!!!!” me too lauren

Zoey’s (somehow even creepier) reprise of the tip song

the Kiss Attempt

“watch out paul...he might kick your head.”

“NEVEEEEER” 

jon’s acting during “let it out” was genuinely creepy, i LOVED  IT

when the music started for “inevitable” my heart fucking DROPPED

“emma, do you believe in ghosts?” CHILLS, man. chills.

the reprise of every song in the show in the middle of “inevitable”

the KICKLINE

emma screaming during said kickline

“the apotheosis is upon UUUUUUUSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!”

lauren staying in character during curtain call

“WHY ARE YOU CLAPPING????”

basically The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals is a godsend and you all need to watch it Now okay thank you

[poutypanic]

The First Date

You, Jesse and Hanzo go on your first date! Fic is PG-13. 

Link for AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/10464945/chapters/23570373

Hanzo and Jesse have left it up to you to decide where you’d be going on your first date. Being a person who is no good at making decisions, this was more pressure than actually being asked out on the date itself. You are currently sitting at home in your own apartment watching your phone as the notifications go off one after the other. Being in a group chat with the two of them is a trip:

———————————-

Jesse: where

Jesse: do

Jesse: u

Jesse: wnana

Jesse: go!

Hanzo: Stop spamming.

Hanzo: Let her think, smh.

Jesse: im right here if u wanna fight me

You: IDK

You: I’m really down for whatever!

Hanzo: Where do you like to go during your free time?

You: My room?

Hanzo: -_-

Jesse: im calling u

————————————–

And he does, less than a couple of seconds after you had received that text. You stare at the screen with a shit-eating grin while it’s ringing, and let it go to voice mail.

—————————————

Jesse: answer ya damn phone plz

Hanzo: Don’t cuss at her.

Jesse: answer ya darn* phone plz

Jesse: also fuck u han

Hanzo: Hmmm. Interesting for a person who just asked me to make dinner.

You: Somebodys bout to starve!

You: Also sorry! I had lost my phone very suddenly :/  

——————————————

Your phone starts to ring again, and you wait until the last possible moment to answer it. You don’t even have to say a thing; Jesse just starts going off in your ear, “Hey, now listen! I’ma count teh’ three, and when I count teh’ three your’ gonna say the first place that comes to mind alright?”

You let out a long, dramatic, heavy sigh, making sure to blow air into the phone as much as possible.  

Jesse laughs, “Alright here we go! One! Two! Three-“

“Zoo.”

“Ah shit, Han! We goin’ to the zoo!”

“No, no, no wait! Let’s try that again!”

Jesse hangs up the phone.

———————————-

Jesse: no take backs  

Hanzo: I am excited! I’ve never been to the zoo!

You: We shouldn’t go to the zoo that was stupid

Jesse: nu uh! we going!

Hanzo: Why is it stupid? Now I really want to go!

Jesse: pick u up on friday!!! wear zoo clothes!!!!

You: WTF are zoo clothes

Hanzo: What she said.

Jesse: clothes u wear to the zoo???

Hanzo: Hmmm true.

You: Whatever! Fine! I guess we’re going to the zoo

Jesse: u bet ur ass

Jesse: shit

Jesse: butt*  

Hanzo: We’ll pick you up around 9am. Is that okay with you?

You: Pfff yeah.

Jesse: see ya friday!

—————  

Friday rolls around, and you guys go to the zoo. It’s the perfect day for it; the sun is out, and it’s partially cloudy. There’s a light cool breeze that feels amazing on the skin. After thinking about it, you’ve actually come around to the spontaneous idea that Jesse had to coax out of you. You guys take your time at each exhibit. The zoo isn’t very crowded at all, and nobody cares that you guys take nearly thirty minutes at each. Hanzo does dramatic readings of the facts on each of the placards, putting on what he likes to call his “tour guide voice”.

When you guys get to the Red Fox enclosure you and Jesse listen while Hanzo reads. At the end, Jesse raises his hand, “Um excuse me, Mr. Shimada? May I ask a question.”

“All questions are welcome, Mr. McCree.”

Jesse points to the cage, “Why are they called Red Foxes?”

You can see Hanzo try and suppress a laugh, and you try to suppress yours as well. Feigning like you, too, would like to know why Red Foxes are named Red Foxes. Hanzo is trying to remain in character, “Mr. McCree, if you can do me a favor and look at the animal?”

“Mhmm, yes.”  

“The fox has red fur.”

Jesse places his hand on his chin and nods his head up and down, “Uh huh.”

“So it is called the Red Fox because well; it has red fur.”

You can’t keep up the act anymore. Hanzo says that last line with such conviction and a matter of fact tone that you are doubled over, and clutching your stomach laughing. Jesse refuses to give up the act. He looks down at you, his cowboy hat casting a shadow over his face.

“Darlin’, what’s so funny? I don’t understand.”

Hanzo keeps it up as well, “Sir? The Red fox. Red is a color. The color of the foxes fur is red. Therefore, Red Fox.”  

You’re still doubled over wheezing. A small crowd has actually started to stare, thinking that Hanzo is an actual expert and tour guide. They believe that Hanzo, a man who is wearing unbelievably tight joggers and a navy blue tee shirt that says, “Choose Cremation. You Urned it,” is a god damn professional, articulately explaining to a cowboy why a Red Fox is called a Red fox. Jesse sees the curious onlookers and decides that maybe it’s time to end the charade, “Ah, I get it now, and ya’ know what? That’s a pretty dumb fuckin’ fact.”

Jesse throws an arm around your still shaking shoulders, tosses his other one around Hanzo’s, and you guys all walk away from the confused onlookers. Eventually, after marveling at the big cats for nearly an hour, you guys make it into the reptile house. Here is where you figure out that Jesse really doesn’t like spiders and that Hanzo couldn’t care less. You do care a little bit, but the thick plexiglass between you and the arachnids is enough to keep you from being irrational like Jesse is being.

“Can y’all stop puttin’ your faces so damn close to the glass?”

You smile coyly and rest your cheek against the glass, Hanzo follows suit and places his cheek against the glass as well, “Take a picture, Jesse.”

Jesse crosses his arms and pouts, “Y’all think your’ funny huh?”

You grab your phone out of your pocket and turn on the camera, “Guess we’ll just have to take a selfie.”

The spider that is in the little glass case is clinging to the other side, showing off its belly and legs. Perfect for the photo op. You and Hanzo point to it and smile nice and big for the camera, while you hold your phone in your other and snap a photo.

Hanzo says, “Make sure to send that to me in the group chat.”

Jesse is glaring at Hanzo, when you notice one of the workers is trying to get any of the customer to listen to what she has to say about whatever it is she is presenting, but she’s getting no takers. You walk towards her and look into the large, deep, open plexiglass tub that she is standing next to. Your eyes widen and you start to cackle. Oh, this is gonna be good!

“Hey Han! Jesse! Come here!”

You watch closely has they look into the glass enclosure. Hanzo now has the biggest smile, and Jesse takes one glance and literally runs off about twelve feet.

The workers face lights up, “Hello! Would you guys like to hear about this tarantula?”

The look that Hanzo gives her almost looks like he might abandon the two of you and take her out on a date; he is so happy.  

“I would absolutely love to hear about this tarantula!”

The woman practically dances, because she is delighted to finally have people who want to listen to her. She clasps her hands together and starts to spew off all of the knowledge she’s got on the spider. Hanzo listens and has questions for her, and she is able to answer everything. Meanwhile, Jesse is in the background huffing and making off-handed comments like, “Interesting” and “Wow, real fascinatin’.” When the spider starts to stretch its legs and move around, you lean in farther to get a better look.

“Hey! Sugar? Maybe don’t do that! That thing is gonna get your face.”

The tarantula handler finally turns her attention to Jesse, “Oh no! Honduran Curly Hairs are docile tarantulas. Also! Tarantulas can’t jump that far. A fall from where her face is at to the bottom would actually seriously hurt the curly.”

Jesse does his best at being polite, “Thanks for the knowledge ma’am.”

At this point, Hanzo is practically inside of the enclosure, and you’ve reached your limit. Any closer, and you’d be pushing your comfort zone. The woman clasps her hands together, “I am so sorry! I haven’t asked for your names yet!”

You both introduce yourselves and take turns shaking her hand, “Hanzo! Seeing as you seem to be the most interested, would you like to hold her?”  

Jesse claps his hands together, “Han! You put that spider in your hands, and we are breakin’ up!”  

Hanzo puts his hands together, palms up and lowers them into the enclosure; “It’s been nice knowing you, Jesse.”

Jesse is still squirming, but it seems this is something he just has to see. He gets just close enough to be able to look in. He’s standing right behind you, looking over your shoulder, and he’s got two nervous handfuls of the back of your shirt. You reach back and pat his thigh, “There, there. It’ll be alright!”

The woman first coaxes the tarantula into her open palm using what looks to be a soft bristled paint brush. It’s funny watching her gently nudge the brush against the creatures big furry butt. It slowly crawls into her hand, and you can physically feel Jesse tremble. You look back at him, “Jesse, just one of your hands are at least two times bigger than this tarantula is. This tarantula can’t do shit to you.”

“Darlin, I ain’t tryna say you’re not right, but that doesn’t keep the little critter from being real creepy.”

Hanzo isn’t paying any attention to the two of you. He is concentrating on the spider that is now crawling into his welcoming hands. It stays there, cradled, its two front legs feeling along the tips of his fingers. Hanzo is still smiling, “Thank you for letting me hold her.”

The woman continues to light up, “Are you kidding me? You are very welcome. I’m so happy you guys took time out of your day to hang out with me and listen to me ramble about this. Tarantulas are my passion.”

After a couple more tarantula facts, Hanzo places the creature back down into its habitat, and you guys make Jesse very happy by deciding it’s time to move on. The three of you continue to stay close to each other as you visit the rest of the exhibits. When you’ve officially seen them all, you guys go back to gawk at each of your favorites. When hunger strikes, you guys stop at a little cart that specializes in soft tacos. You watch in amazement as Hanzo orders six and downs them all. You guys don’t leave the zoo until you are forced to, because it’s closing time. The three of you leave feeling the good kind of tired, all having found a new favorite place to be.