#im tentatively leaving this rebloggable because someone might be helped by it. but i will quickly change my mind if people start acting up

[sidebaxolotl]

I believe you used to ID as bi, right? I think you’ve talked about that before? I was curious as to how you realized you liked women, then realized again you only like women and is not actually bi? I’m stuck in the hell of realizing I might be gay. My current thought is “I’d be FebFem if I was side a” which makes me think I’m gay. (Not encouraging just saying my thoughts.) so I’m seeking out other side b/side y storys. Prayers appreciated, and sorry, english is my second language.

Oh you deserve a veterans discount if you remember the I thought I was bi arc ;A;

Also if anyone reading is like me and did not know what FebFem was before this ask it is a bi woman that exclusively dates women. The more ya know!

I will do my best to summarize since it was a long and very confusing time trying to figure this out. But brevity is not my strong suit lol.

If I had to sum it up it would be that my "attraction" to men always felt very performative/forced while my actual attraction to women was very natural, and spontaneous/uncontrollable?

Like as a kid I would just pick random dudes to pretend to have a crush on because I figured you were like. Supposed to have one and it was weird if I didn't have one. As opposed to the very strong female friendships I had formed which were very much crushes looking back on it. I like constantly raved about fictional male characters and how much i wanted them but I really. didn't.

My first boyfriend I didn't even like I just knew he really liked me and was like "screw it might as well". He was a nice dude and wasn't bad looking but I was very much just going through the motions and just trying to be a good girlfriend. The other guys I got involved with were friends of mine and I just kinda assumed that I liked them because we got along platonically. I feel really bad because there was this guy that I claimed to have a crush on throughout college and I flirted with him ONE TIME but as soon as he reciprocated my whole body was like NONONONONONO and I spent so much time violently avoiding the hell out of him for no discernible reason. Like he was a really nice dude and didn't do anything to make me feel that way.

I think the last straw for me was a guy that I'd met after breaking up with my situationship not-gf, gf. We got along decently well online, even flirted a lot, potentially talked about getting married but didn't want to say anything definitive until we met in person. I was really excited to meet him because I genuinely believed I liked him but when he showed up it was terrible. We were kind of affectionate with each other but it was just really awkward and it just felt. Wrong. The next day I was very physically repulsed and depressed and I don't think we even spent the last day he was here together because I didn't wanna see him. And he'd done nothing wrong at the time for me to act or feel that way. I didn't let guys touch me at all for a long time after that because I could just feel the phantom sensation of him touching me and I hated it. Also spent a lot of time wishing he was more like a woman and being annoyed that I couldn't connect with him like I could with my ex.

I think that's when I realized frfr that I wasn't into men. That and I generally do not find men to be attractive at all(some are tbf from like an aesthetic point of view but most of them are not) and I find their genitalia legitimately repulsive and would not want to be intimate with them. When I was into my ex I genuinely wanted to be close to her all the time and I couldn't get enough of her touching me. I started to feel like. physically intoxicated by her presence and I just wanted all of her so bad. My face would feel hot when I was with her, I got butterflies. I wasn't fully aware of what I was feeling at the time (because I had deadass never felt it before) but that was just my body reacting to her, I didn't have to force it.

And unfortunately there was a period of time where i just. had an intense sexual attraction to a friend of mine out of nowhere. Being near her was often too much for me and I couldn't touch her or be touched by her without being very turned on. Even smelling her perfume would drive me crazy. I felt like a 14 year old boy it was freaking terrible I will be real. But again it was an enlightening experience because it was just my body reacting. I wasn't forcing it--in fact I wanted to force it to stop but couldn't. Comparing those experiences and all the other little mini crushes/blips of attraction to women to what I thought had been attraction to men I kinda put together that it was the Comphet(TM)

I hope any of that rambling is helpful and I hope you find the answers you need!