#im telling you this fastest lap will be the most important turning point in this

[fiveredlights]

me: this is still how we can get ricbull

[cnc-hoebayb]

So baby let my heartbeat be, the rhythm that puts you to sleep...

Wrote half of this in like a drunken rage the other night to vent, so don’t feel obligated to read lol i just need to get it off my chest..

Shoutout to my girls for being there for me while I’ve been going through it @imabasicqueen @la-saffron @quisieracnco ily

Also i love all you guys too

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Bodies pass by like speeding cars. Your eyes dart along the scenery, trying desperately to focus on something- anything to keep you grounded at the moment. Your legs feel weak and wobbly and it seems like you could collapse at any given time.

The alcohol in your system only assists the intensity and everything is hectic. You wanna cry and scream and sleep, but your body can’t process. But it is taking in one thing. It’s a hand at your shoulder, the grip and familiarity snaps you back. “Hey..” the sound buzzes through your foggy mind and maybe you’re ignoring everything entirely, but you barely hear it until the voice matches with the face.

“Hey, you good?” Joel locks eyes with you, sensing immediately the distraught within. No words come out of you, there’s almost no energy to even want to speak. “What happened dude, what’s wrong,” he pries at you, focusing your glance up to him every time you tried to look away. His insistence breaks you, looking up at him with so much embarrassment and tears filling your eyes

“Whoa whoa, you’re okay.” He comforts in an instant, already wrapping his arms around your wobbly intoxicated body, and leading you out the crowded party. “Let’s go.” He drapes his jacket over your body and helps buckle you in the passenger seat. Tears drop onto your lap, a slow, quiet sob working up in your system. Joel already knows.

“Was it... Alejandro?...” he questions hesitantly from behind the wheel. Your heart skips a beat at the pain, still fresh and raw. The sobbing grows a little too much and you shake your head. “I’m such an idiot, Joel I’m sorry. I wasted your time,” the image of the man that seduced you danced in your head. You see yourself wrapped in his arms as you and Joel entered the party. It fades and you realize Joel’s talking.

“You didn’t deserve that,” he says. “I’m not mad, you didn’t waste my time at all.” He reaches over to pat your leg soothingly, radiating that brotherly protection he always had. “I’m glad i was there-“ he continues and before you know it, you’re at the hotel. “I knew i couldn’t trust him.” That sentence hits you and if it were possible to cry any harder, you’d be doing it by now.

The walk up to your hotel room is a blur, a mix of tears and makeup slide down your cheeks as Joel guides you inside. He sits you on the bed and talks you through it, but it’s going nowhere. Sobs grow more into anger- tears drying slightly and your tone of voice more threatening. “FucK hIM” you almost growl, and it sets Joel back a little.

“He used me this whole time,” you start to yell and your fists clench into tight balls. “T/N calm down it’s ok,” he desperately attempts to relax you to no success. He gets up and walks to the door with intent. “Gimme a minute i know who you need,” he zooms out and you grab a pillow with fury, screaming into the plush material. The night flashes back to you again.

This time it’s his hand on your waist, lips on your ear as he’s pouring you yet another drink. You giggle and he urges you to drink. “Be right back, baby girl. Wait for me k...” his voice rings in your ears and there’s so much more anger.

You throw the pillow across the room and slam your back onto the bed, hands buried in your face. Someone enters the room cautiously, and without thinking you lash out. “GeT OUT” you dart up and grab another pillow almost as to attack, but his strong tattooed hand grabs your wrist. “Richard, let me go!” You claw at his fingers and start moving away from him.

“Tranquila, whats wrong luv” his strong brow furrows in all seriousness, concern turning into something more. Your face is bright red with rage, your hair a tangled mess from running your frustrated hands through it over and over. Richard grabs your wrists and notices your still clenched fists. “Aight, i can see you’re goin through something. You need to talk it out?” Your jaw tightens and there’s nothing more you want than to vent- no not vent, yell.

“I’m just so angry,” your shaky voice starts up again, an underlying wave of tears ready to pour. “Ok then scream.” He says and you’re caught off guard. “I know what it’s like, and i know sometimes all you need is to scream and hit something and just let it out.” He grabs another pillow from behind you and places it in front of his chest like a target.

“So go at it,” he motions for you to hit the pillow in front of him and gives you a look that shows he’s there.

You hit the cushion softly the first time, testing it out with little sniffles. “I wasted so much time,” you start to let out, hitting the pillow again. “He was using me,” Richard pushes the pillow into your next blow, bouncing your force off of it. “How could i not know?” Your fists work faster and sloppily.

“He got me wasted so i couldn’t even notice,” angry tears well up unintentionally, all emotions being thrown on the table. You see Richards face harden at that comment and you keep going. “What were his intentions? Why would he make such an effort just to screw me over like this??” Your hands droop, throat a bit sore from the yelling already and Richard drops the cushion.

“He played me so hard, Richard. I feel so disgusting.” The topic feels too embarrassing, but the words keep flowing. “He told me things he knew would pull me in more. I can still feel his touch and it makes me want to jump out of my skin..” Thats all it takes. In a second, he’s jumping off the bed, his shoulders puffed up and face full of the same anger you had.

“That fucker,” he pulls out his phone and is already planning his fastest route to end this dude. “Can’t just treat you like that,” you pounce up to calm him now, knowing Richard was a man of action. “I swear to god he’ll never touch you again- I’m gonna make him wish he never laid a hand on you.” You wrap your arms around him, calming him now turning into what you needed the most at the moment.

“Richard it’s fine,” he drops his phone and chills out, letting your arms tighten around his waist. “It’s not, tho. No man should be allowed to do this scum shit” he engulfs you in a tight embrace, letting you bury your wet face in his warm chest for what feels like forever. He pulls away and kisses your forehead. “Don’t let anyone let you feel like you’re worth less than what you are..”

“Because you’rs so important to me, and if anything happened to you, I’d have to fight a homie on sight,” you laugh and sit back down on the messy bed. “I think maybe you need time to calm down now, Richuki”, the sheets and beneath you are ruffled from your angry fit, and you smooth them over with your hands. “Maybe you’re right.” He says and shakes off his frustration. “Hang tight luv I’ll be back”

He closes the door behind him, leaving you alone once again in the big hotel room. You lay on your side, fidgeting with the strings on your hoodie. A moment passes and the door opens followed by a little knock. Not wanting to lift your head up, you mutter out a little “hey..” and continue to stare absent mindedly in the distance. It was probably just Richard done cooling off.

A body sits at the foot of the bed, tickling your foot as it hung off the side. Not Richard. “Erick, qué haces papi? Why you here,” without looking at him you talk, not wanting him to see you looking like a mess. “Thought you’d need a mood lightener,” he says innocently and you almost feel bad for being so distraught right now. He doesn’t need to deal with this, he’s just a kid still. “Estoy bien, go back to your room Erick.”

“No,” he argues and you should’ve expected that, he was a persistent one. “No necesitas decirme nada, solo quiero estar contigo.” It’s silent as you don’t have the energy to argue back. Just laying there, Erick by your side quiet. But It doesn’t last long before he finally starts talking. Reminding you of the time you both scared Chris in the middle of the night by hiding in the kitchen pantry. Your heart feels light at the memory, that good point in your life, the people...

Little drops of salty tears slow and you wipe the last few with your sleeve to laugh with him. “He almost peed himself,” you finally pitch in to the story breaking your silence. “Sientes mejor?” He questions and lays next to you. You nod solemnly, not lying, but not telling the entire truth either. “Thank you Erick,” he grabs your hand in his and squeezes. “No sé que está pasando...pero estoy aqui para ti. Por siempre ok” he looks you dead in the eyes and you see the sincerity.

“Now go shower, you look pretty rough” he jokes and you punch his arm as he hops off the bed. Leaving you back to square one with a slightly lighter mood than before. The door closes and deciding to take his advice and shower off the night, you make your way into the bathroom. The hot water scorches tender skin and the tension starts to break down. Your mind drifts on and off about the night, invasive thoughts digging their way in one by one.

The ghost of his fingertips brush your skin and you want to wipe yourself clean of him. The images that manifest takw over, and you rush out of the shower in attempt to outrun them. With soaking hair and loose towel draped around you, you step out into the other room once again and are greeted with a soft smile. “Im guessing you’re all taking shifts with me now?” You joke and the big teddy bear in front of you smiles nervously. “Kinda yea,” his eyes dart away at the sight of you in just a towel and you act quick.

“Sorry I didn’t know you’d come out undressed,” he says shyly and you grab your robe. You wrap yourself in the thick material, throwing on a quick pair of shorts underneath. “Okay Zabdi, coast is clear.” He looks back up cautiously as you sit next to him, noticing the small ukulele in his grips. “Musical therapy,” he shrugs and you lay your head on his shoulder. “Can you play-“ he cuts you off and hands over the small instrument. “Nonono, you’re playing. It’ll distract you, i know how in the element you get when you play.”

Part of you wants to hesitate, but the moment fingers hit the strings something takes off in you. The sound rings in your bones and you’re lost in the strumming pattern, closing your eyes and letting it take over completely. The world fades away and the moment your eyes flutter open, it feels different. “That was beautiful,” Zabdi comments at the improv work and adds a signature compliment like always, “just like you.”

You don’t wanna protest but it hits you like a train. “Don’t call me that.” The wooden figure slips from your arms onto the bed, all insecurity flooding back. He’s shocked and confused, not sure how to react. “Now im not sure all that happened tonight. All i know is what Richard was heated about, and what Joel won’t tell, but...” he shakes his head and runs fingers through his hair stressed. “I don’t like what it’s doing to you.”

A pout falls over your face, not sure if it’s ready to cry or not. “I’m just not beautiful Zabdiel okay.” You wanna tell him so bad about it all, to tell him how much it hurts and how desperately you believed in someone’s lies. Because he’d know exactly what to say. He’d hug you tightly and never let go, tell you that that boy was never worth it. And that everything would be ok. But it’s not for him, and only small details come out. “I see all these girls who are so much better than me in every way. They’re beautiful and deserve the world and all the love they can have....”

His expression drops- shocked to see you in such a vulnerable state. “That’s just not me Zabdi. And i don’t know why, but i just can’t have the same.” He watches and roams his mind for something to say. You don’t want him to feel like he needs to pitch in, but that’s just the way he was.

“No me digas cosas así,” is the first thing out of his mouth. “You have just the same right as those other girls to have the world and so much more. You just can’t see it.” He’s scolding you, and it’s so odd to see this side of him. “You are beautiful and there’s nothing and nobody- especialmente un pendejo como Alejandro that should make you feel any different.” You cringe at the mention of his name and look away. “Mira, T/N. You’re the most beautiful person i know, inside and out,” He wipes a stray tear away.

“And this dude doesn’t deserve the satisfaction of defeating you. He’s not what’s going to bring you down-“ your heads snap up as the door opens one last time suddenly. A tall figure peeks in and your heart flips for the millionth time. “Chris,” your voice waivers and Zabdiel stands up. “Can I?” Chris pats Zabdi on the shoulder and gestures towards you. No doubt in his mind that he was leaving you in the best care. He ends it there, and with a solemn nod, Zabdiel gives you a strong hug and says one more thing before stepping out. “See you tomorrow- don’t forget anything that i told you.”

Chris waits for the door to close behind him and locks it, walking back over to you slowly. You shiver in your place, from both nerves and emotions, but also the slight breeze that came through once the door shut. “Take this,” he jumps into action, removing his big tour hoodie from his body and tossing it over. He looks away as you throw it on, giving him a little “ok” to turn around once you were finally fully dressed. You push back your damp hair into the hood and bundle up in a tight seated ball.

He sits next to you and before anything is said, he pulls you into his arms. He squeezes with all his strength, letting you fall apart one last time beneath him. His hand was firm behind your head, brushing your hair as you pushed further into his chest. “Chris i feel so stupid,” you admit and he shushes you like you would a baby, patting your back and whispering “it’s ok, you’re ok.”

“But im not,” and for the first time tonight it’s all on the table. “I was naive. I let him use me, let myself believe i was special, that i was lovable.” He brings you out of his chest, holding either side of your shoulders and watched into what felt like your soul as you pour it out. “I was there, and he was holding me, wooing me with lies. He called me his- told me i was worth something. And i bought it.” His fingers brushed by your cheeks and wiped away wetness there.

“I watched him do it all too. Because he kissed me. He kissed me and not even a second after he walked to her- to all of them. Feeding off their attention, lost in their beauty. He left me vulnerable and had no ounce of worry either. Not even when his friend started getting touchy- forceful.” You swallow your embarrassment of retelling the events and finish. “He had already gotten what he wanted from me so long ago. So why did he make such an effort for me to be there tonight??? Was it because i was his pawn? To flaunt me, kiss and touch me to make the others jealous. Or was i the last resort? For him to get me trashed and save me for latwr when all his other girls didn’t follow through.”

His eyes were sad, understanding and taking in all the details. “I could’ve been really hurt. But he didn’t even care. Joel was my savior tonight, if he hadn’t been there to see it all and bring me home... i don’t know what would’ve happened.” Chris sighs heavily and his look is the same amount of distraught as you. “I can’t think about that.” He growls with the same intensity Richard had earlier. “I literally can’t afford to think of that. I don’t know what I’d do if something were to happen to you and i could’ve stopped it.”

“But thats not your fault,” you add on. “I was so dumb to not tell you about tonight. I knew you never trusted him from the beginning and i felt beyond guilty.” You look down at your hands in shame. “I’m such a screw up, and I’m so sorry Chris. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m so unlovable...” his hands grab your face and focus your attention on him. “Your decisions and mistakes don’t define you, amor. The point is that you’re safe, and you’re here with me right now.” Thumbs brush over your features and instead of that sad look that worried you earlier, he’s smiling.

“And none of that is true,” he bites his lip habitually. “Because i love you. I love you more than you could ever even imagine.” Your mind wants you to believe it’s a lie, but you know Chris, and somehow this is real. “And this shit is killing me to even watch, if i didn’t know any better I’d already be up and kicking this dudes ass for ever touching you.” He laughs through his seriousness and you reciprocate. “Yea, you and everyone else too,” you add on referring to previous reactions from the boys.

“You think you’re not worth anything, but it’s not true. To me you’re everything. I see you and my world lights up, no matter what.” It’s a confession, but it’s not asking for anything in return. He knows you’re hurt and wouldn’t want to take advantage of it. It’s what you need to hear, though. “This will all pass. You never have to speak to that guy again, shit I’ll never give him the chance. You’re stronger than you think, and you’re smart.” You sniffle up the last of your emotions and stare up at him.

“And after it all passes I’m here,” he says. “And I’ll wait for you for as long as it takes.” You crash into his arms once again, every feeling at an all time high. “I love you too, Chris.” He lets out a breath of relief at that statement and hugs tighter. Your exhausted body droops in his grasp and he lets go, leaning up against the bed frame as you lay down with your head in his lap. “Please stay-“ you whisper and he rubs circles on your back.

“Leaving was never in my brain. I’m here for as long as you need me.” You close your eyes and he reaches for something across the bed. Zabdiel must have left his ukulele for you, because the sudden soft noise of plucking strings radiates through the room. He strums up a slow tune and you recognize it from the first chord- your favorite.

He hums along quietly and you feel yourself dozing off. The pain eases and it feels like they might’ve all saved you from spiraling any further down. It didn’t have to be instantly, or even completely, but you knew you were going to be fine. It wasn’t for yourself any more either, now it was for them too. You weren’t ready to give up on them yet, and you’re damn right they were not gonna give up on you any time soon.