#im still high on benzo and dont really know what to do with myself

[jethro-art]

someone please drop charity Jet headcanons since im totally destroyed by a massive breakup and needs something to think about other thant my life getting into crumbs. 

love

Jethro 

xoxo

[sahara-elizabeth-avery-blog]

A piece of me.

*TRIGGER WARNING* 

My innocence vanished faster than my mind could erase it. The others well, i cant speak for them but i know they are mentally stable, their mind must have subconsciously blocked it out. For me, i still live it everyday, a secret i kept for 16 years.

The first time i had sex was when i was thirteen the first time i was fucked i was raped behind a strip mall against a green garbage bin.

Hmm Fucked. The word fuck can be used to describe almost everything, there isn't just one definition that explains the word.

I was drunk for the first time. He was only 15. Did he know what he did? I didn't think he did. I still to this day don’t think he did anything wrong. But I remember yelling stop. I let it slip my mind but my mind doesn't allow things like that to escape. That’s when the drugs started and the drinking and filling myself with boys who didn't matter to try and feel whole again.

That never stopped i am still empty but left with scars. I was made to see a shrink little did my parents know what was really going on, he was an odd looking man from New York, i told him both now my biggest secrets that ate away at me, taking a piece of my life everyday, he told me to ball it up like paper and throw it out the window and to FORGET what sexual trauma i had been through since i was 3.

His diagnoses; clinical depression, general and social anxiety.

Hello Prozac. Shortly after i attempted suicide. My sister needed attention because telling my parents i was no longer a virgin but a whore with genital warts who does drugs who has rages wasn't enough so she told everyone in school i tried to kill her instead of how i overdosed. I wish i could say this story isn't all sad but i would be lying. There are happy parts but nothing ever lasts. 

Hello Zoloft goodbye Prozac, welcome clonazepam and number two psychiatrist; and the diagnoses of Major depressive disorder. I wouldn't speak of the sexual abuse i had suffered i don’t think i needed to. She could tell i was holding back i told her some traumatic things that had happened in my life and that the Prozac did nothing for me although mixing cocaine, alcohol, and methamphetamine's with SSRI’s was never a good idea. I started getting drug tested so i became an alcoholic still allowing guys to enter my body to try and keep it full. 

New psychiatrists came and left like the boys between my legs did as years went by the worst i became, in every way. Cipralex was next, shitty to meet you and nice to meet you razor blades my legs welcome you and were going to have some fun with you Clonazepam.

Im 17 now, i fell in love with an abusive son of a bitch but god was he a good fuck. I dropped out of school due to my addiction to drugs and addiction to him and then I left everything behind to follow him to the island, where he was going to trade school for the next 9 months. I was staying at my pops, 4 hours away, we seen each other every weekend. Piece of shit. I was young and gullible he was 23, dead beat father but my everything. It’s possible that if he didn't abuse me emotionally the way he did maybe my mental state wouldn't have changed so fast. Maybe i had years, good happy years left before it was my time to present as unstable. Fuck you. I thank my parents for knowing me so well and flying out when they did because i was ready to finish what i tried when i was 13. I was rushed to the hospital and studied by yet another psychiatrist for 14 days to determine if i was bipolar or if i had borderline personality disorder. Diagnoses; An extreme case of borderline personality disorder. (along with previous diagnoses)

Hello wellbutrin. Cool a NDRI. SSRI’s never seemed to work. Having norepinephrine in the mix was a game changer, could it help my rages? my black out cutting rages? Please help me. 

Oh hello more drugs, Xanax i really like you, valium makes me tired i want to get high, lets be friends X. 

Hello to the most memorizing hazel eyes and smile, my second crush of my entire life. No. The absolute love of my life. The still love of my life. I’m 18 now. We moved an ounce of cocaine a day and split an ounce, we spent 4 months side by side selling and doing drugs. We began a relationship it was beautiful for the most part. We fucked and fucked and fucked until we couldn't fuck anymore we finally made love, something both of us hadn’t felt in a long time, and me ever. He says i was his first love i was 19 now. I wont go into detail because all i have to say is that he is the true love of my life and im so so sorry i lost him a couple months ago.

Hello seroquel, im begging you to help me.

Words can hurt and if you use them correctly it could be a two bottles of antidepressants, benzos, and seroquel down my throat. Goodbye mom, goodbye dad, goodbye family. Goodbye hazel eyes. I loved you. Time to leave my body. I was stable all night with a breathing tube down my throat, i woke up and then slipped into a coma after suffering 18 seizures within two hours. It was time to say goodbye to me. My family said their goodbyes. its a lie you know. You cannot hear them or feel them around you. Im in trouble im no longer breathing on my own, the doctor was smart enough and being very cautious with me by putting me on a breathing machine before i stopped breathing, because i stopped. I was dying, i was put on life support and sent to a better hospital.

God dammit. 

I woke up. unharmed. alive. well. but angry. 

Effexor, valium and seroquel. I dont know how to greet you. Ill try you. Hazel eyes you’re still with me. I love you.

Hello rehab, i dont like you. 27 days of pure bullshit. Im home again now, when parents dont know what to do with their children they kick them out. I am homeless. Hazel eyes baby, move in with me. My heart is full. He is mine forever, we get engaged. 

Friends? Where did you go i only left to better myself. its okay i understand it. 

Hospital every two weeks, suicidal. constant overdosing. Stabbing. Abuse. Hazel eyes turned black sometimes when he was angry.

It’s September the 10th. Im being brutally raped and sexually assaulted by three 30 year old men who enjoy re-watching. That video disgusts me. Thank you for killing me inside and out my life if forver ruined because of you, you hold my life.

Extreme PTSD you are not wanted please go away please go away.

For my 20th birthday i moved into a homeless shelter. Happy Birthday lost cause. 22 days after my birthday my friend overdoses and dies. Hazel eyes has nothing in them, he hurts me. I hurt him back. We keep fighting its gotten physical, mental and emotional. We will never be the same and neither will my wrists. He leaves in march and i never see him again. My heart is broke. Im sorry.

It is now July. its been 10 months since i was raped, the case is still on going, i am 21 years old, alive, thriving, learning to live again. 

**I haven't been in a hospital for 6 months, no self harm for 7 months. Diagnoses; Borderline personality disorder, Major depressive disorder, severe PTSD, general anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, panic attack disorder, major insomnia, anorexia nervosa, possible bipolar type 2.** 

These are just some bad pieces of me i am sharing with you. There are more worse ones and there are better ones but these are for you. 

So yeah this is another story on someones life you don’t even know but now you do, i am Sahara nice to meet you. 

[tootyfrootycasbooty]

hey vicky, what’s your stance on mixing SSRIs and recreational drugs? have you had any bad experience with that?

ummm definitely down to the individual! i personally have had a lot of bad bad experiences doing it but like.....i have no impulse control and im very self destructive so i still do it and fuck myself up which is. Bad

generally, if you’re on SSRIs then there’s no point in doing mdma, most times you won’t come up at all but you will still get a very intense comedown afterwards. IT IS A WASTE OF MONEY AND IF YOU’RE LUCKY NOTHING HAPPENS, IF YOU’RE UNLUCKY, YOU WILL GET FUCKED UP (I.E. PSYCHOSIS) and i say this from lots of experience. i kept trying. it does not work dont do it. also mdma is just Bad for ppl with mental illness, i would say 80% of the reason i ended up on SSRIs was because i was self medicating my depression/anxiety with mdma and it totally destroyed me. it doesn’t happen to everyone but like....be careful....don’t be tempted to stop taking you antidepressants because you wanna ping on mdma or coke....i fight this stupid temptation all the time. it took me about 9 months clean to get past mdma/psychosis related trauma. basically....it’s just like doing shit speed

benzos (e.g. diazepam/valium, lorazepam, etc) are fine but the higher dose of SSRIs you’re on, the higher dose you will need for benzos to take effect in my experience. i think this is the same for ketamine (ive only done ket once and i was on lorazepam at the same time so i cant rly say for sure)

speed is fine and apparently the same but i hate speed anyway, it just makes me prangy. love yourself and dont bother doing speed lmao

cocaine APPARENTLY should affect you normally but i find i don’t really get a high on it or any of the effects apart from numb mouth. this is an ongoing experiment for me lmao idk. i never took it when i wasnt on SSRIs so i cant compare

weed is Safe on SSRIs but again, you may not have a Fun Time. i used to be able to smoke a lot and have a bunch of edibles and still have the time of my life, but since being on antidepressants i can only smoke a tiny bit of weed before i bug out, get super paranoid and end up spiralling. (however i did enjoy smoking weed when i was on lorazepam bc my anxiety was taken care of lmao but in no way do i recommend this........). but i know a lot of ppl who swear by weed while still of SSRIs, it’s rly up to you. if it doesn’t mesh, don’t push it! i know there’s a lot of pressure from ppl (especially Vice and Vice readers) to believe that there are no bad consequences from smoking weed, and that it doesnt cause mental illness and can treat it (!!!!), but for some people it genuinely does make pre-existing mental illness much worse, especially with chronic use. if you have negative experiences with it that’s ok - weed doesn’t work for everyone, even if you used to have v positive experiences with it! i’ve been in hospital with people there for cannabis induced psychosis....it’s very real and serious

hallucinogens interact normally, i’ve done shrooms with SSRIs and it’s fine as long as you don’t put yourself in an bad environment (i had a terrible trip last time but it wasnt my antidepressants, it was bc we ventured outside to a open air bar with many strangers which was a terrible idea for anxious ol’ me!!!!). ive never done acid because i’m fucking terrified but i believe it’s no different on SSRIs!

also nos is sound lol no problems there

be safe....dont indulge too much.....remember that you’re on SSRIs for a reason and stuff like mdma/cocaine/speed/ket is probably not conducive to getting betterif you take it too much and abuse it. make sure you’re with good ppl who you trust because the danger of anxiety killing your vibe and therefore fucking your high is much bigger xoxoxoxo

[mmmelanie-blog1]

greetings loved ones ! i love snoop dogg deal with it ! im benzo im literal trash thanks for checking in lmao im so excited for this u have no fkn idea boo ( feel free 2 msg me or like this post if ur too lazy n i will contact u once i get back home ) i love twd and alanna masterson a lot ( ok twd is becoming a lil bad but ima still watch it tho ) so this is a huge deal for me to play her n also my first time so dont ride my dick like this if theres something wrong with her or smth pls bare w me ! under the read more u will find a bit more about my babe MELANIE MILLER and about the connections and stuff keep in mind that im still trying to figure her out and all that stuff so have fun !

mel has lived all of her life in hermosa beach, she was born and raised there and loves it and would never ever leave it here she’s shocked and upset her parents decided to move out of there which takes us to her current living status: she lived with her parents until she turned 21, she rented an apartment and has been living on her own ever since. her father was the local owner of THE BAR ( ya the bar its called THE BAR dont make a big deal outta it have u not seen gone girl? jeez ) and when they moved out of hermosa to travel around the world with all the bar’s funding they left mel in charge of it and its been a crazy ride for her bc she literally knew nothing about how to manage a bar but now she does and shes an ace !

SHES THE YOUNGER DADDY’S LITTLE GIRL, she has three brothers ( canon masterson boys bc i love them ALL esp jordan ) who eventually come visit her n she loves them with all her damn heart ! her family means the most to her and shes always happy to have them around like u have no idea how much ! she also has a little niece ( i didnt wanted mel to have a child but I CANT CUT OFF ALL THE CUTE MARLOWE PICS SO ) who means absolutely everything to her ! she loves kids bc she considers herself a child at heart mmmm

her label is the BENEVOLENT meaning she’s really caring and soft and sweet. picture jess day from new girl minus all the glitter and girly things. mel is kind of a tomboy who wouldnt mind to wear dresses on special occasions ! lmao she’s super funny but will always bring the dad jokes to the table but lbr who doesnt love a dad joke lmao shes rly weird but in that sweet nice way you know ?

she was born in a very religious family and she always did what her parents wanted to so now that she’s all on her own she’s like free and ready to be wild but she’s like am i really ready for this ? am i as wild as everyone else seem to be ? she’s very responsible she was RAISED that way and she can’t help it ofc sometimes she’s like you know what i dont care im going to do it.... will i regret it? probably but i dont care !

mel is ALL AGAINST conflict shes the one to talk her way through things and be as civil as possible unless you wanna get wild she will probably walk the heck away from u and be like “not gonna have it, my dude !” you know? she loves attention but she never shows, shes kinda insecure about her looks in general and she pulls it off in a funny way like im gonna drag myself before u do so dont bother.... she is very sensitive but its going to take you a little bit harder than “u look bad” to make her feel bad you know.... she will probably cry later when no ones around but shes not going to let you know !

shes so aesthetic she loves art, painting, music, museums, the stars, the moon and everything else ... she believes 100% in alien and supports the theory that THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE she lowkey scully and mulders child lmaooo

she got a major in psychology so listening to people and comforting them is the thing she loves the most ! she lives for the present, dont talk to her about her past or ask her about the future that kinda annoys her although shes soft hearted and all she likes being straight up with almost everyone ! if you wanna die lie to her um she aint gonna kill u u idiot but she gonna cut u right tf off without hesitation !

PISCES SUN / GEMINI MOON / ARIES RISING !

shes an emotional wreck, she literally has no luck at all with love shes a fucking mess she falls for the wrong person EVERY FREAKING TIME ( i can relate ) she covers her emotions ( when talking about love and relationships ) with indifference and humor most of the time she be like “i dont rly need someone to constantly be there for me men aint shit” but she be crying in her sleep for someone to cuddle her every night lmao thats the way she is man u gotta love her

WANTED CONNECTIONS

SO BASICALLY i love new girl a lot and i love it specially bc it gives u so many ideas for connections and stuff lmao if u want some inspo check a new girl blog and we will get a connection from it lol but yeah my most wanted connections as of right now are:

friends to lovers: they are RIDES OR DIES basically, it doesnt have to be like uh they known each other forever nah its alright if they just met like a year ago anyway they p much together all the time and one of them ( either ur muse or mel idc ) start to feel things for the other and its annoying bc they dont wanna ruin this thing at all .... plot twist ? if u like to watch ur characters suffer, like ME ! maybe this thing is a ONE SIDED THING like one has feelings and the other is like lmao yikes ! so everything slowly becomes awkward ! i dont rly know i dont mind how this actually turns out tbh as long as we have it !

bestfriends: ALMOST SIBLINGS they have known each other for literally YEARS they went to school, high school and maybe college together ! p much melanie is the mother and ur muse is the reckless teenager whos always asking for help but they love each other a lot ! think about cece/jess from new girl :)

roomies ( 0 / 3 ): they all different from one another its a miracle they all get along this well ! they are a huge fucking mess but they are there for each other all the time ! they all live in a loft or a house idk we could figure that out laters ! ( tba )

exes: well okay as explained before, mel is a huge mess when it comes to love ! this could go two ways, they ended on bad terms but try to be as civil maybe ? melanie is a caring loving bitch but when shes in a relationship her insecurities take over most of the times and thats why it messes everything up and MAYBE thats one of the reasons why they broke up ? idk man we can work something out.... OR THEY ENDED ON REALLY NICE GOOD TERMS and still care for each other and its like they are there for each other but its kinda awkward bc do we still love each other like that or are we like family now ? you know ? I DONT MIND MELANIE HAVING LIKE TWO EXES SO LMAO

sugar daddy: is she into that daddy kink ? whO KNOWS ! but lately shes been drooling over u and its kinda nice but shes afraid bc this will probably end up really bad but shes still willing to take one for the team !

big little lies ( 0 / 5 ): MY FAVORITE SHOW so im thinking a group of FIVE to SIX powerful women ( who havent killed anyone yet so chill ) who are there for each other and have wine nights and sit by the fire to talk about their days and stuff like that so yeah that would be so cute ! ( tba )

conspiracy theories buddy: they dont just talk about conspiracy theories but they do lmao also “did u heard about the haunted house up in the hills? wanna go?” they vibe Hard its 4 am n they texting about aliens the universe and sutff like that ! ( tba )

ok thats p much all i can think of ! if there any other connection u wanna have dont hesitate to let me know ! i love sharing ideas and crying over headcanons so its fine by me ! also im running late to work so if u wanna plot hmu and like this thing and ill make sure to reply to all ur msgs once i get back home !