#im still high on benzo and dont really know what to do with myself

[jethro-art]

someone please drop charity Jet headcanons since im totally destroyed by a massive breakup and needs something to think about other thant my life getting into crumbs. 

love

Jethro 

xoxo

[tenpercentsugar]

1-101 my bitch

1. If you could be any mythical creature, what would you choose?a SIREN bro i dont know how many times i gotta fuckin say that i wish i had a scaly ass tail and a thirst for the blood of a sailor
2. It’s summer time and you’re thirsty, sweet tea or lemonade?lemonade no matter the season
3. Who is your #1 all time crush?damn near zayn malik
4. What book would you like to see made into a movie?bruh i dont even know at this point i havent read a book in so long
5. Create a new ice cream flavoror what? ;-)
6. Top five favorite songs at the moment?n64 x denzel curry, everybody wants to rule the world x tears for fears, ultimate $uicide x $uicideboy$ and denzel curry, exodus x $uicideboy$, nature feels x frank ocean
7. You get to choose a superpower but it can’t be the ability to fly, what do you go with?ability to read minds so i can reallllly know how ppl are reacting to me
8. Who’s your favorite Muppet?taylor dugan
9. You get to have a lifetime supply of one kind of food, what is it? probably chicken bro theres so many things you can do w chicken
10. What type of lunch meat do you typically choose when making a sandwich or sub?turkey and bacon but not turkey bacon
11. Water slides or roller coasters?this is so hard wtf?? uh rn it’s be water slides but i also fuck heavy w rollercoasters bro
12. What two musicians/bands would you like to see collaborate?the weeknd and frank ocean
13. Favorite Disney princess?damn near mulan that bitch is ballin
14. Is there anyone on tumblr you wish you could meet in person?stephanie, also thedeathmerchant
15. You can only watch one tv show for the rest of your life, what one do you pick?bob’s burgers
16. Top five celebrity crushes?zayn malik, frank ocean, asap rocky, vince staples, michael b. jordan 
17. Any rules you try to live by?be respectful, see things from all points of view, use turn signals, smoke w friends even if they can’t match, never let anybody feel alone
18. Have you had an serious medical injuries? i stabbed myself once but thats abt it
19. Fruity pebbles or cocoa pebbles?fuck pebbles they get soggy so quick aka Not Ideal
20. Do you have any new years resolutions?mine was to quit smoking but i literally j put out a cig so idk how thata gonna go
21. What’s your birthstone and would you change it if you could?i think it’s sapphire? and no cuz that is beautiful
22. What’s your element of choice? (earth, light, water, fire, etc.)light!!!!!! i’m obsessed w light and being a light
23. Have you ever had to have stitches? If yes, what for?no just staples for the stab wound as previously aforementioned
24. What is a fictional creature you hope actually exists?nessie
25. Do you have a favorite Crime series?law and order: svu for sure 
26. If you could go see a Broadway play/musical right now, which would you pick? damn near mamma mia hahaha i fuckin love that movie
27. What’s at the top of your holiday wish list this year?money, weed, a fuckin clean teen shirt
28. What are some things you would do if you were invisible?eavesdrop. what else do you need to be invisible for
29. Describe your very first kiss.thank you but no thank you!
30. Do you have any guilty pleasures?i don’t feel guilty abt liking any of the shit i like but i mean i wouldnt play hollywood undead in my car for just anybody
31. Have you ever performed on a stage?yeah a handful of times
32. If you could meet any one of the Muppets which would it be?taylor dugan probably
33. Do you have a favorite mixed drink?kahlua and milk lmao
34. Anything you miss about being a child?uh everything? my brain is both 40 years old and 6 years old
35. Who is the hottest person that you know of on tumblr?@teenybug
36. Any good book recommendations?if you wanna laugh, helter skelter x vincent bugliosi is a good start
37. What’s your favorite pokemon type?i think u have the wrong number?
38. What’s the most hurtful thing anyone’s ever said to you?as if i have the time to remember all the hurtful things ppl have said to me when im already super busy remembering all the mean shit i’ve done
39. Is there a song that always makes you want to dance when you hear it?plenty bro i can’t even help it
40. What’s the best selfie you’ve ever taken and can we see it?go thru http://deathchamp.tumblr.com/tagged/me and you tell me
41. If you could pick just one extinct animal to bring back to life what would it be?i would need to consult an entire list and then i’ll let you know
42. What’s your least favorite name(s)?keith, roger, becca
43. If you could change your name to anything, what would you pick?probably just the color light blue. like my name would j be a color. no letters
44. What are three things on your holiday wish list this year?pussy money weed haha classic
45. If you could get away with any crime what would it be?running stop signs/red lights
46. How do you usually break the ice with strangers?i don’t even know i prolly j make jokes
47. Are you crushing on anyone at the moment? What are they like?no that’s not the wave i’m on at all
48. Anyone you’re dying to see in concert?tame impala, the weeknd, frank ocean, bryson tiller, zayn, denzel curry, vince staples
49. Are there any bands/musicians you really dislike?meghan trainor, carly rae jepsen, taylor swift
50. What are you made up of?ashes, summer sunsets, perth x bon iver
51. Biggest fictional crush? nathan scott from one tree hill boiiii
52. Do you have a favorite bird?damn near the bald eagle hahahah that dude is crazy
53. If you could completely erase one person or memory from your mind would you do it?hahahaha yeah i’ve been doing that
54. What are some thing’s you are always happy to receive as gifts?anything cuz if u thinkin of me enough to get me a gift (or make me one or steal me one or whatever), then i’m stoked abt it
55. What do you like to do on rainy days?get high, drive, watch netflix w dani 
56. Chinese take out or pizza?za
57. What do you usually wear to bed?t-shirt n shorts or sweats depending on the season
58. As a child, what are some of the things you wanted to grow up to be? stay at home mom, a teacher, a psychologist
59. How many pillows do you prefer to sleep with?two
60. What’s your favorite type of weather?sunny and 70 right now but i also get hella good vibes from cloudy and low 60s/high 50s when it’s fall time
61. What’s your Hogwart’s house? (even if you’re not a Harry Potter fan, you’ve still thought about which house you’d been in, don’t lie.) 🙄
62. Favorite month of the year and why?september cuz thas my birth month and its also like the perfect time of year. not too hot not too cold
63. What is your board game of choice?i love playing life!!! i wish more people played that w me
64. Are there any commonly held beliefs that you don’t buy into?i’m sure but i try not to think abt things i passionately disagree w cuz i’m still working on dealing w anger appropriately
65. Describe the best kiss of your life thus far.haven’t had the best kiss of my life thus far
66. What is something you wish didn’t exist?benzos
67. What’s the most painful thing you’ve endured?the tattoo on my god damn foot dude
68. Do you collect anything?just bitches tahaaa 
69. Is there anything in particular that you’re looking forward to this summer?warped tour idiot duh
70. If you had a pair of wings, what would they look like?white and lined w gold
71. Dinner and a movie is so old, what are some other things you’d enjoy doing on a date?gettin cross faded and sittin outside, lookin at the trees
72. What’s your favorite breed of dog?rottweiler
73. How do you like your chicken wings? If you don’t like chicken wings, then wtf is wrong with you?i’ll eat em bone in or boneless but honey bbq is really the only sauce i want them tossed in
74. Anyone been on your mind lately?dylan, ashley, michaela (even tho we aint even cool like that), ash
75. Are there any things about yourself that you dislike that others seem to love?my laugh? i’ve been getting compliments on it since middle school but it is one of the ugliest parts of me
76. What’s your favorite part of the playground?the swings!
77. Do you like to write?
i love to! but i never do it

78. What’s the best birthday gift you’ve ever received?klonopin hahahaha
79. What is something you never leave home without?my sunglasses cuz i got sensitive ass eyes
80. If you drink, what kind of drunk person are you?in my feels hard as fuck, sayin dumb shit i think is funny
81. Do you listen to music while you shower?not anymore but i used to 
82. Are there any classics films you wish would be remade?no keep em as they are
83. What’s your go to party song?shots x lmfao cuz who doesnt fuck w that song
84. Have you got a favorite outfit? Can we see it?not really but yeah come thru
85. What’s the longest you’ve ever talked on the phone for?me and taylor used to talk on the phone for hourrrrssss bro like forever long calls
86. What’s your favorite emoji? 😟🤙🙄
87. Have you ever had raw fish?not that i’m aware of….
88. What accent do you find most attractive?mexican accents bro ughhhh fuck me up
89. What’s one bad thing an ex might have to say about you?who
90. Would you choose to be immortal if you could?nope im like terrified of death but i know it would suck to keep living when all the people i love are dead
91. What’s the most expensive thing you ever bought?my car and it wasnt even that expensive
92. Have you ever had a black eye?yeah actually in first grade
93. What are some questions you’d ask on a first date?what’s your favorite song rn and do you like going for drives
94. What do you think happens when we die?nothing that i wanna talk abt i’ll throw up
95. Any pets you’d enjoy having?i want a bunny!!! i know i’m not responsible enough for one but fuck!!
96. What are some reasons you might end a relationship?if there’s no trust then i’m outtie
97. Is there anything in your room you wouldn’t want your parents stumbling upon?no actually they know abt all the stupid shit i do i’m not worried abt it
98. Are you still friends with anyone from grade school?like elementary school?! not really at all dude
99. What is one song you will never, ever get sick of?perth x bon iver, minnesota, wi x bon iver, nature feels x frank ocean, the moment x tame impala, as you are x the weeknd
100. Waffles or pancake? And what do you put on top of them?waffles w syrup n butter bro it dont get much better than that
101. One word you’d use to describe yourself?tweak

thank u emo stranger

[sahara-elizabeth-avery-blog]

A piece of me.

*TRIGGER WARNING* 

My innocence vanished faster than my mind could erase it. The others well, i cant speak for them but i know they are mentally stable, their mind must have subconsciously blocked it out. For me, i still live it everyday, a secret i kept for 16 years.

The first time i had sex was when i was thirteen the first time i was fucked i was raped behind a strip mall against a green garbage bin.

Hmm Fucked. The word fuck can be used to describe almost everything, there isn't just one definition that explains the word.

I was drunk for the first time. He was only 15. Did he know what he did? I didn't think he did. I still to this day don’t think he did anything wrong. But I remember yelling stop. I let it slip my mind but my mind doesn't allow things like that to escape. That’s when the drugs started and the drinking and filling myself with boys who didn't matter to try and feel whole again.

That never stopped i am still empty but left with scars. I was made to see a shrink little did my parents know what was really going on, he was an odd looking man from New York, i told him both now my biggest secrets that ate away at me, taking a piece of my life everyday, he told me to ball it up like paper and throw it out the window and to FORGET what sexual trauma i had been through since i was 3.

His diagnoses; clinical depression, general and social anxiety.

Hello Prozac. Shortly after i attempted suicide. My sister needed attention because telling my parents i was no longer a virgin but a whore with genital warts who does drugs who has rages wasn't enough so she told everyone in school i tried to kill her instead of how i overdosed. I wish i could say this story isn't all sad but i would be lying. There are happy parts but nothing ever lasts. 

Hello Zoloft goodbye Prozac, welcome clonazepam and number two psychiatrist; and the diagnoses of Major depressive disorder. I wouldn't speak of the sexual abuse i had suffered i don’t think i needed to. She could tell i was holding back i told her some traumatic things that had happened in my life and that the Prozac did nothing for me although mixing cocaine, alcohol, and methamphetamine's with SSRI’s was never a good idea. I started getting drug tested so i became an alcoholic still allowing guys to enter my body to try and keep it full. 

New psychiatrists came and left like the boys between my legs did as years went by the worst i became, in every way. Cipralex was next, shitty to meet you and nice to meet you razor blades my legs welcome you and were going to have some fun with you Clonazepam.

Im 17 now, i fell in love with an abusive son of a bitch but god was he a good fuck. I dropped out of school due to my addiction to drugs and addiction to him and then I left everything behind to follow him to the island, where he was going to trade school for the next 9 months. I was staying at my pops, 4 hours away, we seen each other every weekend. Piece of shit. I was young and gullible he was 23, dead beat father but my everything. It’s possible that if he didn't abuse me emotionally the way he did maybe my mental state wouldn't have changed so fast. Maybe i had years, good happy years left before it was my time to present as unstable. Fuck you. I thank my parents for knowing me so well and flying out when they did because i was ready to finish what i tried when i was 13. I was rushed to the hospital and studied by yet another psychiatrist for 14 days to determine if i was bipolar or if i had borderline personality disorder. Diagnoses; An extreme case of borderline personality disorder. (along with previous diagnoses)

Hello wellbutrin. Cool a NDRI. SSRI’s never seemed to work. Having norepinephrine in the mix was a game changer, could it help my rages? my black out cutting rages? Please help me. 

Oh hello more drugs, Xanax i really like you, valium makes me tired i want to get high, lets be friends X. 

Hello to the most memorizing hazel eyes and smile, my second crush of my entire life. No. The absolute love of my life. The still love of my life. I’m 18 now. We moved an ounce of cocaine a day and split an ounce, we spent 4 months side by side selling and doing drugs. We began a relationship it was beautiful for the most part. We fucked and fucked and fucked until we couldn't fuck anymore we finally made love, something both of us hadn’t felt in a long time, and me ever. He says i was his first love i was 19 now. I wont go into detail because all i have to say is that he is the true love of my life and im so so sorry i lost him a couple months ago.

Hello seroquel, im begging you to help me.

Words can hurt and if you use them correctly it could be a two bottles of antidepressants, benzos, and seroquel down my throat. Goodbye mom, goodbye dad, goodbye family. Goodbye hazel eyes. I loved you. Time to leave my body. I was stable all night with a breathing tube down my throat, i woke up and then slipped into a coma after suffering 18 seizures within two hours. It was time to say goodbye to me. My family said their goodbyes. its a lie you know. You cannot hear them or feel them around you. Im in trouble im no longer breathing on my own, the doctor was smart enough and being very cautious with me by putting me on a breathing machine before i stopped breathing, because i stopped. I was dying, i was put on life support and sent to a better hospital.

God dammit. 

I woke up. unharmed. alive. well. but angry. 

Effexor, valium and seroquel. I dont know how to greet you. Ill try you. Hazel eyes you’re still with me. I love you.

Hello rehab, i dont like you. 27 days of pure bullshit. Im home again now, when parents dont know what to do with their children they kick them out. I am homeless. Hazel eyes baby, move in with me. My heart is full. He is mine forever, we get engaged. 

Friends? Where did you go i only left to better myself. its okay i understand it. 

Hospital every two weeks, suicidal. constant overdosing. Stabbing. Abuse. Hazel eyes turned black sometimes when he was angry.

It’s September the 10th. Im being brutally raped and sexually assaulted by three 30 year old men who enjoy re-watching. That video disgusts me. Thank you for killing me inside and out my life if forver ruined because of you, you hold my life.

Extreme PTSD you are not wanted please go away please go away.

For my 20th birthday i moved into a homeless shelter. Happy Birthday lost cause. 22 days after my birthday my friend overdoses and dies. Hazel eyes has nothing in them, he hurts me. I hurt him back. We keep fighting its gotten physical, mental and emotional. We will never be the same and neither will my wrists. He leaves in march and i never see him again. My heart is broke. Im sorry.

It is now July. its been 10 months since i was raped, the case is still on going, i am 21 years old, alive, thriving, learning to live again. 

**I haven't been in a hospital for 6 months, no self harm for 7 months. Diagnoses; Borderline personality disorder, Major depressive disorder, severe PTSD, general anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, panic attack disorder, major insomnia, anorexia nervosa, possible bipolar type 2.** 

These are just some bad pieces of me i am sharing with you. There are more worse ones and there are better ones but these are for you. 

So yeah this is another story on someones life you don’t even know but now you do, i am Sahara nice to meet you. 

[mmmelanie-blog1]

greetings loved ones ! i love snoop dogg deal with it ! im benzo im literal trash thanks for checking in lmao im so excited for this u have no fkn idea boo ( feel free 2 msg me or like this post if ur too lazy n i will contact u once i get back home ) i love twd and alanna masterson a lot ( ok twd is becoming a lil bad but ima still watch it tho ) so this is a huge deal for me to play her n also my first time so dont ride my dick like this if theres something wrong with her or smth pls bare w me ! under the read more u will find a bit more about my babe MELANIE MILLER and about the connections and stuff keep in mind that im still trying to figure her out and all that stuff so have fun !

mel has lived all of her life in hermosa beach, she was born and raised there and loves it and would never ever leave it here she’s shocked and upset her parents decided to move out of there which takes us to her current living status: she lived with her parents until she turned 21, she rented an apartment and has been living on her own ever since. her father was the local owner of THE BAR ( ya the bar its called THE BAR dont make a big deal outta it have u not seen gone girl? jeez ) and when they moved out of hermosa to travel around the world with all the bar’s funding they left mel in charge of it and its been a crazy ride for her bc she literally knew nothing about how to manage a bar but now she does and shes an ace !

SHES THE YOUNGER DADDY’S LITTLE GIRL, she has three brothers ( canon masterson boys bc i love them ALL esp jordan ) who eventually come visit her n she loves them with all her damn heart ! her family means the most to her and shes always happy to have them around like u have no idea how much ! she also has a little niece ( i didnt wanted mel to have a child but I CANT CUT OFF ALL THE CUTE MARLOWE PICS SO ) who means absolutely everything to her ! she loves kids bc she considers herself a child at heart mmmm

her label is the BENEVOLENT meaning she’s really caring and soft and sweet. picture jess day from new girl minus all the glitter and girly things. mel is kind of a tomboy who wouldnt mind to wear dresses on special occasions ! lmao she’s super funny but will always bring the dad jokes to the table but lbr who doesnt love a dad joke lmao shes rly weird but in that sweet nice way you know ?

she was born in a very religious family and she always did what her parents wanted to so now that she’s all on her own she’s like free and ready to be wild but she’s like am i really ready for this ? am i as wild as everyone else seem to be ? she’s very responsible she was RAISED that way and she can’t help it ofc sometimes she’s like you know what i dont care im going to do it.... will i regret it? probably but i dont care !

mel is ALL AGAINST conflict shes the one to talk her way through things and be as civil as possible unless you wanna get wild she will probably walk the heck away from u and be like “not gonna have it, my dude !” you know? she loves attention but she never shows, shes kinda insecure about her looks in general and she pulls it off in a funny way like im gonna drag myself before u do so dont bother.... she is very sensitive but its going to take you a little bit harder than “u look bad” to make her feel bad you know.... she will probably cry later when no ones around but shes not going to let you know !

shes so aesthetic she loves art, painting, music, museums, the stars, the moon and everything else ... she believes 100% in alien and supports the theory that THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE she lowkey scully and mulders child lmaooo

she got a major in psychology so listening to people and comforting them is the thing she loves the most ! she lives for the present, dont talk to her about her past or ask her about the future that kinda annoys her although shes soft hearted and all she likes being straight up with almost everyone ! if you wanna die lie to her um she aint gonna kill u u idiot but she gonna cut u right tf off without hesitation !

PISCES SUN / GEMINI MOON / ARIES RISING !

shes an emotional wreck, she literally has no luck at all with love shes a fucking mess she falls for the wrong person EVERY FREAKING TIME ( i can relate ) she covers her emotions ( when talking about love and relationships ) with indifference and humor most of the time she be like “i dont rly need someone to constantly be there for me men aint shit” but she be crying in her sleep for someone to cuddle her every night lmao thats the way she is man u gotta love her

WANTED CONNECTIONS

SO BASICALLY i love new girl a lot and i love it specially bc it gives u so many ideas for connections and stuff lmao if u want some inspo check a new girl blog and we will get a connection from it lol but yeah my most wanted connections as of right now are:

friends to lovers: they are RIDES OR DIES basically, it doesnt have to be like uh they known each other forever nah its alright if they just met like a year ago anyway they p much together all the time and one of them ( either ur muse or mel idc ) start to feel things for the other and its annoying bc they dont wanna ruin this thing at all .... plot twist ? if u like to watch ur characters suffer, like ME ! maybe this thing is a ONE SIDED THING like one has feelings and the other is like lmao yikes ! so everything slowly becomes awkward ! i dont rly know i dont mind how this actually turns out tbh as long as we have it !

bestfriends: ALMOST SIBLINGS they have known each other for literally YEARS they went to school, high school and maybe college together ! p much melanie is the mother and ur muse is the reckless teenager whos always asking for help but they love each other a lot ! think about cece/jess from new girl :)

roomies ( 0 / 3 ): they all different from one another its a miracle they all get along this well ! they are a huge fucking mess but they are there for each other all the time ! they all live in a loft or a house idk we could figure that out laters ! ( tba )

exes: well okay as explained before, mel is a huge mess when it comes to love ! this could go two ways, they ended on bad terms but try to be as civil maybe ? melanie is a caring loving bitch but when shes in a relationship her insecurities take over most of the times and thats why it messes everything up and MAYBE thats one of the reasons why they broke up ? idk man we can work something out.... OR THEY ENDED ON REALLY NICE GOOD TERMS and still care for each other and its like they are there for each other but its kinda awkward bc do we still love each other like that or are we like family now ? you know ? I DONT MIND MELANIE HAVING LIKE TWO EXES SO LMAO

sugar daddy: is she into that daddy kink ? whO KNOWS ! but lately shes been drooling over u and its kinda nice but shes afraid bc this will probably end up really bad but shes still willing to take one for the team !

big little lies ( 0 / 5 ): MY FAVORITE SHOW so im thinking a group of FIVE to SIX powerful women ( who havent killed anyone yet so chill ) who are there for each other and have wine nights and sit by the fire to talk about their days and stuff like that so yeah that would be so cute ! ( tba )

conspiracy theories buddy: they dont just talk about conspiracy theories but they do lmao also “did u heard about the haunted house up in the hills? wanna go?” they vibe Hard its 4 am n they texting about aliens the universe and sutff like that ! ( tba )

ok thats p much all i can think of ! if there any other connection u wanna have dont hesitate to let me know ! i love sharing ideas and crying over headcanons so its fine by me ! also im running late to work so if u wanna plot hmu and like this thing and ill make sure to reply to all ur msgs once i get back home !