#im stealing this line from a convo i had from eggy but:

[glacialswordsman-a]

" in another life, i would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you. " ( you can choose the verse )

| prompt

To my beloved Ajax,

I’m sorry.

By the time you read this, I will be no more. Ever since I joined the Fatui, I knew this would have more than likely been the outcome of what I had been working for. For many years, ever since I had been found by Pantalone, I had a singular goal in mind:

To destroy the Fatui and its Delusion Factories.

I had tried to think of other ways to go about this goal, to see if I could potentially find a method without having to sacrifice myself, but there was nothing that I could have figured out. Perhaps if I told you my plans after Fontaine, after our confessions, we could have thought of something together, but I couldn’t do that to you. How could I possibly pull you into my own mess and ask you to help me destroy the livelihood of all you had known?

No, this was my burden to bear. Alone.

I’ve never told you what happened—the how and why Pantalone found me.

That night was my brother, Diluc Ragnivindr’s, 18th birthday. We He had lost everything that night.

A caravan that Diluc and our father, Crepus, were escorting was attacked by a foul beast named Ursa the Drake, and our father fought valiantly to protect everyone. Especially Diluc. In order to protect them, he relied on the power of a pyro Delusion, and it had backfired on him from the amount of power he exerted while using it. I wasn’t there.

In fact, I was too late when I got to them, and watched as my brother granted our father a swift death to put him out of his pain and misery. Had he not, Crepus would have suffered until his very last breath.

I’ll never forget my own reaction to it. Instead of running to console my brother and grieve with him, I stood back, simply watched…

And smirked.

I was morbidly fascinated by the fact that even the man who had graciously taken me into his home would ever rely on such a terrible power. Not only that, but I also felt a sense of liberation, and when I realized my initial reactions, pure and unadulterated guilt and shame crashed down against my shoulders.

Diluc had gone off to report this to the Ordo Favonius of Mondstadt, which we had both proudly been a part of. Yet, that same day, he quit and never looked back. Meanwhile, I helped clean up the mess while I stewed in my thoughts and realized I needed to come clean to my brother, and now to you.

That evening, I admitted to Diluc that I was planted in Mondstadt as a child so I could serve my nation’s purpose. My nation of Khaenri’ah. My father had left me purposefully at the Dawn Winery so I could learn as much as I could about them and the nation of Freedom.

He said I was their only hope.

But all I could think of at that point was how I had betrayed my family. The family that had lovingly taken me in and provided me with warmth, care, and happiness. From the very first moment they accepted me, my life was nothing but an absolute lie.

Understandably, Diluc wasn’t happy, and I had anticipated his anger. He had just lost his father, and now his own brother was confessing his sins on the same night. Idiotic, wasn’t it? I wasn’t thinking clearly, but if I hadn’t told Diluc as soon as possible, the guilt would have consumed me whole.

I just…didn’t think I would have nearly lost my life for it. I would have deserved it, and even as I write this, I do not blame him for his reactions. They were understandable, even if I could have been killed. Yet the Tsaritsa blessed me with a Vision and saved me from Diluc’s fiery wrath. The moment that whitish-blue light shone and revealed the state of my grievous wounds, Diluc froze.

I took that opportunity to run away, run as far and as fast as I could to anywhere but there. The Dawn Winery and Mondstadt were no longer my home.

Instead, I headed towards Liyue, where I had nearly succumbed to my wounds—yet as luck would have it, Pantalone found me in the nick of time.

I wasn’t going to squander this opportunity. This was the chance I needed to repay the Ragnivindrs, and to repent for my Sins.

However, I didn’t factor in the possibility of how I would come to find the Fatui as another home. I thought it was going to be easy and that I wouldn’t grow attached, but oh, how wrong I was. I had grown close to Rosalyne and thought of her as my mother, I came to think of the Regrator as my brother, and the Jester as some weird uncle.

Most of all, though, I fell in love with you, Tartaglia. My dearest Ajax.

Thus came the realization that there was no way out for me. I was stuck again, all out of my own doing. There was no way I would ever confess this to anyone, no less the Tsaritsa. I knew my life would be forfeit if I had, so either way, I was a dead man walking. So, if I’m to die, then I’d rather it be out of my own choice.

Every time we visited the Delusion manufacturers, it was under the guise of quality check-ups and making sure everything ran smoothly, but in reality, I was discreetly planting bombs. I’m surprised I managed to do so without getting caught. There were some close calls, admittedly, so it’s truly a miracle that I’ve gotten as far as I have now. All that’s left is for me to destroy the root of what made everything go wrong, and what better way than to pay homage to my father, the late Master Crepus?

I’ve always found it ironic how I, too, ended up with a pyro Delusion. I suppose the only difference is that I’m actively choosing to kill myself with it.

… I wish I could see my big brother one last time. Would he have forgiven me for everything, including this? I cannot help but wonder.

There would be a large blank space in the middle of the writing, before it eventually picked back up again. Some of the words became a little splotchy from the ink spreading due to what appeared to be little droplets.

Had Kaeya spilled something…or were those tears?

I know what I have done is unforgivable. The lies, the façades, the masks.

The death of probably hundreds that were working in the factories at the time of retribution.

But please know this, Ajax… The one thing I have always been honest about were my feelings for you. You have brought light and warmth into my life, and I’m sorry for how greedy I have been in trying to cling to it. I shouldn’t have accepted your feelings, I shouldn’t have held you, I shouldn’t have kissed you—maybe then, you’d hate me less for this.

Maybe then, you’d eventually come to forget about me.

I suppose the only saving grace that comes from all of this is me being able to remember our time together, being able to think of your smile one last time as my story ends in an explosive grand finale. Ever selfish until the end, I know.

On one hand, I have a sense of peace in knowing what’s to come, as I finally get to decide my own fate. But on the other hand, I still wish there had been another way.

…

In another life, I would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you.

I love you.

Forever yours,

“Pavlín” Brighella, the Twelfth Harbinger, one half of the Innamorati.

Kaeya Alberich.