#im sorry mom im sorry i hope this guilt stops haunting me for your special day next month

[ringtaileds]

Mother, oh mother how I miss you.

The discipline you taught your dear daughter still resides. It keeps her safe and well behaved.

The caution you bestowed in her thoughts and actions has prevented quite a lot of a trouble.

Mom? Where are you? Mom? I need you.

Your daughter carries your sadness with her, did you know? She cherishes it.

All that loyalty you had shown a man who didn't deserve it has instead manifested into one girl. She promises to keep you with her to the end, like you promised her.

Ma, I hope you're happy, I love you.

Your siblings see your daughter as a sister with how alike you two are. They called you her sister by accident so much it's funny! She lightens rooms, she fills them with joy the way you used to.

I don't remember much as a child, but what I do was always with you.

Do you remember the whales mom? The water? Can you still smell the chlorine and squint at the thought of the lights?

Everyone says my mommy has a wonderful voice, I know it's true too.

Unfortunately your daughter was shot down before she could be a songbird.

Instead she uses the blood that blooms from her chest to draw.

Yet... Slowly she's finding a tune now.

Maybe one day sudden noises won't silence her anymore.

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

If There’s a Place I Could Be - Chapter Eighty Nine

If There’s a Place I Could Be Tag

July 14th, 2003

Remy woke up in the middle of the night, shaking violently. He couldn’t sleep, again, because he had a nightmare about his parents, again. He ran a hand over his face and looked at Emile next to him in bed. At least his fiancé was still asleep this time. He had been waking Emile up far too often with nightmares about his parents ruining their wedding.

He hadn’t told Emile that’s what the nightmares were about recently, but he knew he couldn’t keep that secret up for very long. He just hoped that whenever it came time to invite his parents to the wedding, these nightmares would stop.

  July 15th, 2003

Remy was dead on his feet, but if Emile thought that he wasn’t going to the homeless shelter, he was dead wrong. Remy had an entire day’s worth of food from Sleep Easy that hadn’t been bought, and he wanted it to go to use. He had dressed in one of his blouses and jeans the second he had gotten home, and was heading to the homeless shelter to meet up with Emile.

The second he opened the door, he could hear the children screaming in delight, no doubt playing with Emile. Remy headed to the kitchen to drop off the food before he went to check on Emile. He knocked on the door to the kids’ room and asked, “You kids busy with my fiancé or am I allowed to kiss him hello?”

Emile was currently hog-tied on the floor, and Remy had to bite his lip to keep his laughter in check. “You can say hi,” one of the boys said. “I was showing everyone the wilderness tricks my uncle taught me.”

“Ah,” Remy said. “And you’re using my fiancé as an example?” he asked.

The boy shrugged. “He volunteered.”

“I thought you were...gonna tie my hands together or something, not hog-tie me,” Emile said, wriggling on the floor. “Can you untie me yet? I’m starting to lose feeling in my feet.”

“Let ‘im go, please,” Remy sighed.

The boy nodded and gave the rope a good tug, letting Emile go in one swift movement. Emile just laid on the ground, groaning for a moment, before he sat up. “Hi, honey,” he said, kissing Remy as Remy got down on his haunches.

“I have an aunt who says you guys shouldn’t do that,” one of the girls piped up. “She’s really dumb.”

Remy laughed hard enough at that to the point he couldn’t keep his balance and collapsed on the floor in giggles. Emile shook his head. “It’s not nice to call people ‘dumb,’” he said.

“Well, my mom calls her dumb!” the girl said. “And that’s why we don’t live with her. That, and she had a baby in April. And Jessica cries all the time whenever we go over to borrow a shower.”

“You probably woke her up. Babies sleep a lot,” Emile said simply. “Is this aunt on your mom or your mother’s side?”

“My mom’s,” the girl said. “Why?”

“I’m making a blacklist of all the homophobes in town,” Remy said as he sat up with a groan. “If they’re too nasty they’re not allowed in my shop.”

“Oh. My aunt’s last name is Gaines. She’s Aunt Diane to me, though.”

“Got it,” Remy said, pulling out a notebook and writing Diane Gaines in it. “That’s another report of someone denying their family a home, which is also scummy.”

“How did you know Aunt Diane doesn’t let us live there even if we wanted to?” the girl asked.

“Because you said your aunt doesn’t like men kissing, and your moms are gay,” Remy said.

The girl sighed. “You know, some of the kids at school say I’m going to Hell ‘cause of that,” she said.

“Well, don’t tell them I said this, but those kids are dumb, too,” Remy said, barely biting back a snarl.

“Remy, that’s not nice,” Emile warned.

“Doesn’t mean it’s not true,” Remy muttered darkly.

The kids were staring at Remy like he had a second head. Emile cleared his throat. “Sorry, guys. Religion is a...sore spot for Remy sometimes,” he said awkwardly.

“Literally the only time I’ve ever been comfortable in a church is when we went together to stick it to your grandfather, and even then the prayers were weird,” Remy declared.

Emile tilted his head to the side. “You should have told me. I wouldn’t have made you go.”

“I went voluntarily,” Remy said. “The only time I was comfortable-ish was when I went voluntarily. That makes sense, doesn’t it?”

“Wait, people can force you to go to church?” one of the boys said, pulling a face.

“If those people are your parents, yes,” Remy growled. “Still hate my mom and dad for that.”

“You hate your parents?!” another girl asked, alarmed.

“Remy, maybe you should stop while you’re ahead,” Emile advised.

“Yeah, I was literally about to leave,” Remy said, shaking his head. “I’m needed in the kitchen anyway.”

“But why do you hate your parents?! Parents are always nice!” one of the boys said.

Remy could feel his emotions being pushed to their limit, and he stood up, tossing a, “Not always,” over his shoulder.

After Remy helped organize the food for the night, Bernie walked in and called Remy over. “Remy, I need a word with you,” he said.

Remy winced and complied. “Yeah, Bernie?” he asked.

“Some of the kids have come up to me and asked if I know where your parents are, and if they can hurt you still,” Bernie said. “Care to explain?”

With a sigh, Remy said, “I was tired. I didn’t keep my tongue in check properly. That’s my bad. Won’t happen again.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re considering the kids, but that’s not my concern,” Bernie said. “Were you abused?”

“According to my parents, or everyone else in my life?” Remy snarked.

Bernie blinked. “Easy, son. I just wanted to make sure you’re in a safe position.”

“Safe is relative,” Remy said, pinching his nose. “And don’t call me son today, please.”

“Is Emile hurting you?” Bernie asked.

“No, never.”

“And your parents?”

“Don’t know where I live,” Remy said. “They can’t get to me.”

Bernie nodded. “That’s good,” he said. “Long day?”

“Too long.”

“Want a chance to sit in my office instead of doing more stressful work with the kids or with the kitchen?”

Remy felt ashamed of his answer, but he nevertheless nodded his head.

Bernie led him to the back office, and Remy sat down in a chair in front of the desk heavily. “I’m sorry,” he said.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Bernie said.

“You have children running up to you, asking you if there’s an adult equivalent of CPS that can make sure my parents don’t know where I live,” Remy scoffed. “Are you saying that doesn’t bother you?”

“I’m saying that’s not because of you,” Bernie said, sitting behind the desk and flipping through paper records. “That, Remy, is because of your parents. Not you.”

“They haunt me everywhere I go,” Remy muttered darkly.

Bernie said nothing, just looked up at Remy and waited for him to continue in his own time.

“They tried to unsuccessfully force their backwards beliefs on me. They hurt me in ways that I don’t even know how to begin to describe. My mother stalked me, my father guilt-tripped me in a letter for not going home with her. Multiple times. And you know what?” Remy’s voice was rising from a barely audible rumble to a near-shout. “Despite all that, I still want them to be proud of me! I still want their validation, their love! I still want them at my fucking wedding, whenever that happens, in a Catholic church, because Emile’s somewhat religious! They would eat me alive if they thought I was Catholic, nevermind agnostic! But I still want them there! I want them to be proud of me, dammit!” Remy slumped backwards in his seat, covering his face with his hands as he started to cry. “I want them to be proud of me, Bernie. I can’t let them go, because there’s that chance that they could change their minds.”

Bernie sat there, with his hands folded in front of him, a piercing gaze going straight through Remy’s soul. “I can see why Emile thinks you need therapy,” Bernie said drily. “Remy. Can you look at me a moment?”

Remy brought his hands down from his face and his gaze up from the floor.

“Your parents do not define your worth. You’re the only one who is allowed to do that. What they think? Doesn’t matter at the end of the day. I know, that’s easier said than done, but it’s true. And, for what it’s worth?” Bernie nodded. “I’m proud of you. Proud of you for owning up to mistakes, for the progress you’ve made, for the choice you make to continue on every day. I’m proud you’ve opened yourself up to Emile. I’m proud you’ve worked hard enough to make your own shop. And most importantly, I’m proud to call you a friend.”

Remy blinked the tears away, shaking his head. “Thank you,” he said. “I’m not trying to dismiss you. I just want someone to be proud of me as a parent, though. There’s a need there...and it doesn’t get filled by friends, though friends can help alleviate the ache.”

Bernie hummed. “You’re in contact with Emile’s parents, yes?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Remy sighed. “Why?”

“I think you should call them. Not with Emile. Just on your own. Talk to them about your life. If necessary, tell them you need someone to be proud of you, but I don’t think that will be an issue. From what Emile has told me, they shower praise and love on everyone they meet,” Bernie said. “They may ‘only’ be in-laws, but at the end of the day, they will be your parents too. Talk to them, see if them loving you fills that void at all. You might be surprised,” Bernie offered.

Remy laughed in disbelief. “Why didn’t I think of that?” he asked.

“Because you’re caught in the moment, and in the emotions,” Bernie said. “Sometimes you need someone who can cut through all that and offer you a different solution.”

Remy nodded. “Ain’t that the truth?”

“Do you feel better?” Bernie asked.

Remy nodded.

“Then I do believe we should head back out and see how much of your shop food has been claimed,” Bernie said with a smile. “Everyone loves it here.”

“Oh, come on, it would just go to waste if I didn’t bring it here, it’s nothing special,” Remy scoffed.

Bernie and Remy walked out of the office and Bernie said, “Oh, but sometimes that’s exactly why it’s special.”

Emile rushed down the hallway to them, and hugged Remy tight. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“Better,” Remy said simply. “How are the kids?”

“Worried about you. And promising not to ask any more questions about you if it means you get to play with them after dinner.”

“I’m a bit too tired to play with them,” Remy sighed. “I’m a bit too tired to work on anyone else’s finances, too, but I can go home straight after dinner. You usually can’t.”

“I’m willing to, if that’s what you need,” Emile offered.

Remy considered Bernie’s words. “No,” he said. “I think I’ll be okay. Might call Mom and Dad tonight, just to get some words of wisdom.”

“I know they’d love to hear from you,” Emile said, frowning. “What brought this on?”

Remy shrugged. “Sound advice from a friend.”

Bernie smiled and shooed them off to get their food from the kitchen. Remy felt numb most of dinner, but reassured the kids who came up to him that he was all right. The second he got the chance, however, he made his excuses and left to go home. He opened the address book and called Emile’s parents. “Hello?” Emile’s mother asked.

“Hey, Mom,” Remy sighed. “Everyone’s all right over here, but I was hoping we could just talk for a bit?”

“Oh, of course, sweetheart! What do you want to talk about?”

Remy groaned, “I had a long day at work and then when I went to volunteer at the shelter, I said some things I shouldn’t have. And it really sucked. Now the kids are worried about me and I feel like a screw-up.”

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. You know that you’re not actually a screw-up, right? You’re incredibly bright, and sometimes we just hit our limits sooner than we expect to. No matter what happened tonight, you’re still an amazing young man. And I’m proud to have you as a son.”

Remy could feel tears coming to his eyes and he choked out, “Thank you.”

“For what?” Emile’s mom asked.

“For being you,” Remy said. “And for being here for me.”

“Remy, there’s nowhere I’d rather be.”

[worangetravellertravels]

The Man Who Finally Got Named...

The Hollow man, haunted for his selfishness, manipulations and lack or humanity had began preparing a boat right next to a beach. The boat was quite small and got no space for rations or water. The Hollow man was preparing the boat... cause he was sure he wasn’t coming back.

During years after leaving his “hero” life behind, he had travelled the world. Seen mountains, seen cities, seen forest, seen rivers. He meet people there, most of them became friends. But the Hollow man just “pretended” to be friends. He felt nothing for any of them. He needed something for so long, but no one was able to give what he desired to him.

While preparing his boat, the Hollow man got a visitor. A woman from the mountains that he meet in his travel. The woman wasn’t there really to talk, just to observe. She was quite curious of the Hollow man’s future and actions. On the mountains he opened up to her, they even got into a relationship but before they could go too far the man ran away since he knew it would end up horribly, I mean, right now he also is in a horrible place but with the woman’s company he would have been doomed quite earlier. The woman’s name? Despair.

From the city nearby came another girl. She wasn’t hollow like the man, but the encouraging words that she was trying to use to talk out the man from finishing the boat felt hollower than the man himself. She was helping just out of duty, for her mother asked her to go grab her bastard father and save his soul. The girl was there just because of her mom’s wishes, but neither child or bartard parent truly knowledge each other. The girl’s name? Indifference.

There was a priest who meet the Hollow man in the forest. He had done all he could think of to “save” the Hollow man’s soul. But the Hollow man REFUSED to get help, refused to get saved, and while the chip on his shoulder called hope was still resonating each time the priest spoke... the Hollow man just kept his work. He wanted not salvation, he wanted not comprehension, nor pathetic pity, what he wanted... no one would give it to him, SPECIALLY a priest named Faith.

And so. Early in the morning the boat was ready. The expectant despair, the unsure indifference and the useless faith were all staring at the Hollow man who was getting ready to leave the beach, leave this sea, leave this... world...

“Goodbye you useless people!” at this point the Hollow man had lost his chill the same way he had lost his hope “I’m tired of being hollow! i’m tired of being pitied! im tired of being me! So please, go away and forget you met this excuse of a person with no real name... it’s for the best... so with more to say... go--”

“YOUR NAME IS MISTAKE!”

The Hollow man (Mistake?) and the three hopeless people look at the end of the beach. The little kid came running very ungracefully, very clumsily, you could tell they had been running from a long while. Their look was weaker than their determined run would make you think: Skinny legs and arms, messy hair and marks on their face that showed they have cried for so long their tears have formed a mark on their face. Mistake (?) left the boat and approach the kid who inmediatly punched him in the stomach, to the kick him and make him drop to his knees.

“Enough with the selfpity act man! You honestly think you’re atoning for anything trying to leave this world? I get you feel hurt, but think of those that you wronged! And no feeling bad, sorry or down on yourself does NOTHING to them! You don’t remember my dad but he sure remembers you... he is the person you told him to jump of a bridge so many years ago. He has lived his life blaming himself for giving you the wrong idea and being so blind to do whatever you said. You made my father feel like a monster seeing your life crumbling down. I hate you for that... but also... you can’t even pretend you will make things BETTER by not being here, so please grab what Im about to say and record it in you dense skull: YOU’RE NO GOD! YOU’RE JUST A HUMAN! YOU MAKE MISTAKES! YOUR NAME IS MISTAKE! but as a mistake... you can be fixed... you will never stop existing... but you can fix what you did wrong... and maybe yourself... if you want” - the kid said all this while slapping Mistake constantly, until at the end the kid stopped, began to cry and just hugged the man who had all that time being deadstaring into nothingness.

He felt it... the hollowness inside him filling itself a little... filling with shame, with sorrow and strangely? with peace... finally someone had gave him what he desired. Someone actually felt anger at him... someone saw him as a human... someone got a NAME for him. The man now called Mistake began to hug the kid “thank you” he whispered. “Don’t, not until you truly are able to mean it” replied the kid trying to sound angry... when in reality they were truly relieved.

Later that day, with the boat still at the dock. The 5 characters went to the beach, just to relax for a while, why? because truth be told the 5 are just one person. The same person in fact. YOU. Yes all this aspects are in you, in me, in everyone. Sometimes stuff can get out of hand and your mistakes can run and ruin your life. But if we keep our despair at bay, use our indifference in what truly deserves it, keep faith close but not get blinded by it, we can make peace with our mistakes and keep growing... 

“It’s weird you know” said Mistake when the day was ending, with him looking at the sea. Sitting in, at the time, comfortable sand. “I now got my name, but never knew yours... and I know you’ve been around all the time. You are who I hurt the most, inside and out, can’t truly explain it... just know it, so kid... what’s your name?”

“It’s what we all need more than hope... TRUST” - said the kid with a broken smile, that hopefully with time will become more honest.

Notes:

Had to do this in a hurry just for well... selfish reasons I guess. I’m waiting to see what Renn’s story will give us and based on those feeling I got inspired in making this a three parter (or two stories and a poem) to make my story that while not perfectly reflects Monika’s guilt story... is how I see it. But the key here is that the “ending” Renn will put is unknown to me, this is how I think it can go, but truth be told... I’m hopelessly hopeful in this situations. In a more real world scenario Sayori SHOULD have felt Monika go a LONG time ago (and even that is not totally accurate, nothing is that easy)

Whatever her outcome is, I will be here to enjoy it (and/or suffer from it because yes xD)

Now read the story again but listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSS7qsRTSoA  (That Distant Shore, Steven Universe | Pian instrumental)