#im sorry guys this is too funny for me KEKW

[hehekubus]

NOT GONNA LIE THAT MUST BE THE MOST HILARIOUS THJNG THAT HAS HAPPENED.

Imagine you are a guy, and gods have to cheat to kill you for a story because in reality you are totally unkillable. Imagine being that OP.

[amintyworld]

fuck i didn't think this through i gotta get a new ao3 account for it before i can post it uh uh uh i am copy pasting the doc and praying

Ranboo Beloved was going to pass out.

It had been a VERY long evening at the gas station he worked at, and there were still another two hours left until he could go home. Groan. Taking the night shift truly was hell. He mumbled something about minimum wage groggily and grabbed a couple sodas to stuff in the fridge. As he stepped towards the back, he heard a sound from one of the aisles.

‘BANG!’

Ranboo jolted, then flipped around and ducked behind the aisle, dropping the sodas in his panic.

‘It's okay. I’m fine. I probably won’t die. Oh no what if I die. God, if I die, please look after Enderch-‘

“OI! BITCH! LITTLE HELP, HERE?”

He turned slowly into the area, making sure to grab a broom in case he needed self defense, only to see a boy, around his age, blond and covered head to toe in dirt, clutching an alarming amount of chips. “Grab a couple of these, would you.. What’s your name?”

“Oh! It’s.. um.. Ranboo!”

“Cool, now Ranboob, help me out with these crisps, would you?”

“That’s uh, not my name. Do you just want a cart?”

“NO! CARTS ARE FOR THE WEAK !! AND I AM A BIG MAN, I AM SIMPLY TOO POWERFUL FOR WEAK SHIT.”

“I- uh- yeah. Alright. Lemme just grab these and take em to the register..”

“No, Ranboob, you’re a fool. A fool and a coward and morally wrong. See, why would I buy them when I could do this magical little thing called stealing?”

“WHAT?? YOU CAN'T DO THAT,”

The kid (damn, Ranboo still needed to ask for his name) narrowed his eyes. “What, are you a pussy?”

“N- I’m not.. that, but I work here, so I can’t really let you steal.”

Realizing what this meant, the boy dropped the chips, but seemed to be sizing Ranboo up. He paused, then let out a sigh, reluctantly putting a few more back.

Ranboo took a look at the blonde. A real look, not just to be polite. He realized that his shirt was practically swallowing him whole, and his frame was alarmingly bony. Even his raggedy beanie looked too big on him. His blue eyes looked tired, like he hadn't slept in a week. Hmm. Ranboo relinquished the broom and stood up.

“What’s your name?” He asked, grabbing one of the chip packs back from the shelf.

“Tommy Careful Danger Kraken Detective Innit. But you can call me sir.

“What if I called you Tommy?”

“Hmm, tolerable.." the boy said with a half smile. He hopped off the ground where he was. "Alright, see you later, Boob Boy.”

“Boob- I. Okay. Alright-“

As he stuttered, the blonde (Tommy!) started to head out the front. As he passed the cash register, Ranboo hesitated.

“Wait!”

Tommy turned around to face him.

“Whatdayaneed?”

“Do you.. do you want a slushie? On the house?”

—————————

Ranboo Beloved wasn't doing too bad.

It had been a few weeks since that night. He had gotten a raise for ‘preventing’ a shoplifting (little did his manager know), and he’d found a friend in Tommy. He supposed it was his first real one, since toddlers who were related to him didn’t really count. Sorry, Micheal. Speaking of said friend, he was due for a visit. It was about the time of night that he normally dropped by for a free slushie and a fun conversation.

The bell rang from the door across from him. Right on time.

“Tommy! Hey! The usual?”

Tommy entered with grandeur, but seemed to be holding the soor for someone.

"Not yet, big man. I’ve got someone I want you to meet! Tubbo, c’mon, would you? We don’t have all night here,” he yelled, seemingly giving up on holding the door and walking to the register. He grabbed a bar stool to sit on.

As he said it, Ranboo saw someone poke their head out from the door. It seemed to be a kid a bit shorter than Tommy, with choppy bangs that covered his eyes and ears. He slid around the entrance and perched on the stool right before Tommy could sit down.

“You son of a bitch!” Tubbo gave him a shit eating grin in response. “Ranboo, the complete ass right here is Tubbo, he wouldn’t know good manners if they hit him in the face,”

“Says the one who tried to rob my store the first time we met,” Ranboo quipped, quirking an eyebrow up at the blonde.

Tommy shot him a glare, but he was holding back a smile as he replied, “Listen, you bastard, it’s not my fault you have a very robbable store,”

“What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“Exactly what I said, your store is simply weak and easily robbed by big strong men such as myself,”

“Right, which is why I caught you and you immediately gave up,”

“I… you know, you haven’t introduced yourself to Tubbo-“

Ranboo smirked, knowing that he had won. “Hi Tubbo, I’m Ranboo,” he greeted, holding out a hand for the kid to shake.

Tubbo tilted his head at the hand being held up, and promptly chomped down with surprisingly sharp teeth.

“HOLY SH- SHOOT, OW?! DUDE!” Ranboo exclaimed, jerking his now bleeding hand back behind the counter.

“Tubbo, c’mon man, I thought we went over this..” Tommy sighed, glancing at the unhinged boy in question with exasperation. He shrugged in response, seeming to be guilty, but made no move to apologize or help Ranboo grab bandages.

Tommy scratched the back of his neck, looking sheepish. “Soooo, uh, how’s about those slushies, Big R?”

Ranboo sighed. Maybe he should’ve just let Tommy shoplift.

After wrapping his hand up, he grabbed two cups and filled one with Tommy’s usual: half cherry, half coke. When he got to the second, he spun around. “Hey Tubbo, what flavor do you want?’’

Tubbo looked caught off guard at being addressed. “..Surprise me.”

Ranboo grinned. He grabbed the cup, and filled it with his personal favorite: alternating layers of strawberry and lemon-lime. Then he bent over the counter and grabbed the secret ingredient in any good slushie, the tiny umbrella. He gingerly placed it, then popped straws in both of the drinks.

When he slid them to the boys, Tommy squinted at Tubbo’s. “How come Tubbo gets an umbrella? You never gave me one..”

"You never asked!" Ranboo teased, but he still grabbed another and plopped it in the icy mixture, much to the blonde's delight.

They chatted about whatever came to mind, with Tubbo occasionally adding a few words. (He seemed especially interested in hacking and explosions. Concerning, but Ranboo wasn't about to question it.)

After about an hour of goofing off, Tommy and Tubbo decided to say their goodbyes. Ranboo threw their now empty cups into the trash behind him, and they stood up, tidying the area and fixing the barstools. Tommy was the first to speak.

"See you later, Boob Boy! I'd thank you for the slushies, but it's you who should be grateful that you've gotten to spend the evening in my presence,"

Ranboo rolled his eyes, glad that he could tell when Tommy was just being dramatic. He really was grateful under all the fanfare. Probably.

"Yeah yeah, sure. Now get out of here before I have to report a slushie theft. It was nice meeting you, Tubbo."

Tubbo smiled at him, a real smile that didn't make Ranboo scared he was about to be bitten again, and headed out the door with Tommy following behind.

As they left, Ranboo realized that he still had another hour of his shift, and he hadn't even started with the sweeping. Crap.

—————————

"Tubbo, seriously! You could have blown our whole cover!"

Tommy was practically running to keep up with the smaller boy. After an excessively boring bus ride and a mile long hike, they had finally entered the forest. Now, they could talk about things that actually mattered without being seen.

"C'mon bossman, it was funny. Plus, what's the Ranboo guy gonna do? If he's really like you said, then we'll be fine,"

"I know, but STILL! You can't just go around biting people. What if someone else had come in?"

"Alright, alright, I hear you. I'll be more careful next time. How much longer do you wanna keep up the act?"

Tommy let out a sigh. "Not much longer. I think this is it, I really do. Ranboo's a good person, he can help us,"

"If you're sure."

Tommy simply smiled, ever so slightly. He was sure. He hadn't been sure about a human in a very long time, not since.. him. Hopefully Ranboo would be better. No, he would definitely be better. Yeah. For sure.

He didn't have any longer to ponder, though, since they had arrived.

Tubbo glanced back at him. "You ready?"

"Yeah."

With that, the two of them launched off the mossy ground and into the air, with shimmery wings sprouting from their backs. Finally. It was time to go home.

"I do have to admit, though, he makes a pretty good slushie. I liked the lemon lime."

-

it's not the best but like i tried and ill probably do more for it, im excited for when wilbur shows up

AWWWE I love it!!!!

Poor Ranboo has no idea what’s coming kekw-

Also the lil Failed affectionate nip I-

🥺