#im sorry beloved ill draw more of you i promise

[holysheithyall]

more wlw stuff but this time mainly beckory bc i still miss them

[strawberrytalia]

okie okie here we go!!!! 🐠 btw there is like BARELY a gap between all of them lol, they’re all beloved to me

1. ollie - IM SORRY i had to choose the white man, bc im so attached and connected with ollie more than any other mainstream hero. he resonates so deeply with me in a lot of ways, and i find his stories are often very engaging and interesting to think about (not you ga 2023). i feel like love is such an important aspect of him and what he fights for.

2. lian - i think about lian everyday im not even joking, she’s like a sibling to me atp. i think sooo much about how instead of dying, she could’ve spent all these years being loved and trying to be a hero just like her dad, and living up to ideals and aaaaaa, she was literally the one thing keeping me going with ga 2023, her having a cat motif is everything to me

3. connor - he IS so special for so many reasons, and i feel like he embodies the traits of a superhero in such a realistic way?? with his childhood anger issues, lack of father figure, his promise to his mom, and the way he steps up to take on the title of GA and continue on the legacy even after losing the father he’d just met eeeeeeee, i don’t talk abt him often bc like tbh content here is lacking and im lazy, but maybe ill change that.

4. roy - he’s lian’s father so on principle i gotta love him (IM KIDDING). roy is also soooo special and i partially love him out of spite because DC clearly seems to have a weird vendetta against him and his happiness. he is so loving, so strong, so accomplished, and so much more than what they label him as. i also love his really out-there personality, but he’s also VERY down to earth, and he’s just so aaaaaa <333. he’s not perfect but he tries his best, and he puts lian before everything and that makes my traumatized-by-father heart melt. and i HATE how ableist all of his weird jayr*y fans are as well as dc, it makes me wanna pull him out of the pages and gatekeep.

5. shado - free this woman from the racist writing AND her entire yakuza life!! she has SO MUCH potential bro, but aside from that, she’s so badass and i love her personality and i loved her og interactions with ollie, and im ngl it makes zero sense for her to forcibly want a baby from him when she KNOWS her lifestyle sucks and she’s trapped in it bc of intergenerational trauma herself, anyways shado deserves better fr

6. mia - I LOVE MIA. i really do!!! i find however that i’m more inclined to loving her when i don’t really interact with fandom posts about her. mia is so so so so <3. literally one of the first teenage girl characters i could connect with. her story is so horrible but she is such a bright light for me, and she is a joy to draw and write about. similarly to ollie, i think love is such a huge part of her! she’s kind of low tho, bc i find that a lot of her really loud fans never have anything to say about the arrowfam poc. like obviously it’s fine to stan mia, but it’s really telling to me when you make all your content about the skinny blonde white girl.

7. jade - her YJ version is in my kin list LMAO, and i need to read more of her comic appearances, but from what i’ve seen, she literally carries the arrow trademark of “pushes away from loved ones, doesn’t believe she has a happy ending” and that kills me so much. she is a really complex woman who’s suffered from racist writing, and i love that unlike talia and shado who are like more gentle souls, jade is a hardcore bitch lmfao. she loves roy and her daughter and some of the secret six, and that’s it.

8. cissie - it’s been a longggg time since i read cissie appearances, but i remember enough to know why i like her. her story of maternal abuse literally rips my heart out, i think her character background is so perfect, and her storyline with retiring was really well done (from what i remember). personality wise, she’s more of a girly girl and so am i lmaooo, so she’s quite relatable to me. i like that she wasn’t perfect and she had plenty of catty, jealous, moments to show bc like that’s so realistic for a girl raised to be #1 her whole entire life. i wish for cissie to have a girlfriend or three and live peacefully. and i’m a BIG fan of her being ollie’s kid bc that’s hilarious even if it isn’t realistic lol. she’s just low on here bc she’s not quite an arrowfam member on page, more like a separate party but yeah

9. emi - im sorry bby, i love you and all your potential but it’s marred quite a bit bc your backstory was a retcon, you replaced mia, and you haven’t gotten a chance to really shine outside of shitty writing in a long time. i think emi also has a lot of “edgy teen raised by villain” stereotypical traits given already to damian, so it’s a little hard to see her as a fully original character sometimes. the emi in my head is way cooler, more gnc, and has more personality other than “vaguely annoyed all the time.” emi also deserves way better than to just be the bitchy badass girl in that weird titans run. i would give her more friends besides them and expand more on her relationship with her mom (one of the things i do like). i still love her tho!!!

10. dinah - this is what’s gonna cancel me. i AM SORRY I LOVE DINAH SO MUCH but this is also another case of a character’s weird ass racist anti feminist writing ruins them for me. like the dinah in my head is AWESOME AND FLAWED AND TRYING. but canon dinah is like so intertwined with shitty ass performative feminism and being victim-blamey and abusive towards ollie that i like can’t handle it lmao. i think she’s a really complex woman if given justice and better writing with BOP and such, but yeah. bombshell dinah + movie dinah = best dinah ever imo.

11. sin - i love sin. this has nothing to do with sin as a child. but her story writing is so fucking racist and ooc for dinah lmfao, i’ve been pretending it never happened until the start of this year pretty much. i’m sure there’s a way to write around it, but if we keep it as is, i abhor everything about it pretty much. which SUCKS bc sin is so adorable and i loved her appearances. but again idk it felt weird to push dinah into that motherly role (already weird with mia lol), so idkkkk.

12. eddie - don’t get me wrong i love this man, he’s just not like part of the fam fam you know, and i need to rebuts on ga vol 2 soon, but just know: trashy cia person with shitty morals but trying to do good is one of the best character tropes. y’all call him a rat man, but you gotta actually stick by it. it’s more than him being gay for ollie (which he is), or more than being a dad to connor (also so true), give me him doing weird sketchy shit.

honorable mention to hal, who i’d place somewhere in the lower half bc he’s not a fave but he’s very enjoyable as an arrow and you can tell he loves them very much. moonday is also somewhere in the middle!!!

and uh i’m ngl sienna still doesn’t even have a last name, like i like her, i just don’t have much of an opinion lol.

what if i revealed my personal arrowfam rankings (not in skill, just how much i like them)

[urlocalbunny]

Ok angst time... Headcanons for if the baby was lost half way thou... ( im SO sorry )

Aaron:

the way of guessing your feelings through his nose was just terrible right now. He could see you were disraught. broken. in pain. when your hands, weak, reached out for him for a hug sometimes, it felt like you’d break and drift away if he didn’t hold you together. His eyes were almost always watery for a few weeks.

he’d be silent. distant from the other things he loved for a while. if he ever talked, was to reassure you you’d work this out. He’d cry very often when you slept. Your face was sad even when you were many hours in.

He’d have taken down the room carefully after a while, but when he opened the door, he saw you holding the little deer plushie you put in the bed. you held your now back to normal belly, and you’d apologize to your baby and to him many times. He was shocked to know you thougth that was your fault to begin with. 

he was absolutely heartbroken to the point where Beliath would always wear a sad frown every time they were in the same room. The vampires would comfort him, but nothing seemed to move when you were so sad. Your kid was going to be the bravest person he ever met. he was sure. They must have had a big fight before the end. 

Seeing him not leaving through night and day made you wonder how it was possible when you failed. one day, however, you heard a howl on your window. it was a full moon, so whatever you thought you were doing, Aaron would not approve. But you opened the window. He was there, but there was nothing but disconnected toughts. That was the wolf.

He was standing in an elegant stance. He was quietly looking at her in the eyes. “How did you get in here? This is really high!” You asked, still wary until you felt soft fur on your belly. He had his eyes closed, you could feel when your hands held his head on instinct. He still thought of nothing. Your arms circled his head. instead of feeling sad, a spark of joy bloomed in you. There were no parts in your beloved that hated you, even the ones he didn’t control. He jumped up and down, shaking his head and jumping on the floor, calling you to run with him. You ran out of the manor under the boys’ curious gazes and you ran. He circled around you, slowing down to match your pace. Your joyful laugh reached every pair of ears in the manor.

Raphael:

In times like these, he wished he could draw. But he also felt completely good being blind for the first time in his life. ,

Your screams full of horror, Ethan’s despair in the air and the smell of blood stained his mind. He closed his eyes in a silent plead. “If something miraculous happens and I recover, do not let me see.” 

You were quiet in the next few days. He waited for you to talk, but you’d open your mouth and try to say something, but your breath was ragged, as if you were suffocating. He felt your gaze on him the whole time.

one day, even if it took all of his strength, he sat on your side and tought of words. But they also wouldn’t do. The best, most beautiful thing he could ever say was something his friend Aaron would. With no shortcuts, but with no curves either.

“Do you, perhaps, think this is your fault?” his tone was stern, but you had to get a earful. “The way you don’t answer me is honestly worrisome. You have to stop thinking about me right now if you ever want to make amends with yourself. The reason why i was so happy was because i love you with all my might. I woudl not have it like this with anybody else.” your arms circled his waist. This time, he caught you. 

Your cries were, this time, full of relief. He hummed a song to you. It was a happy lullaby. his lips were faintly on your temple. You would get through this.

Beliath:

Your baby’s presence was the first thing he missed this morning. you were crying in disbelief. 

He didn’t even remember shoving Ethan into the room, but he did. His hand went to his head and he breathed in and out. He has never grieved before. Never.

When Ethan left, he held your hand and face. “Don’t you think about saying you’re sorry.” your eyes widened. “I’m not leaving your side.”

He did what he said. He was heartbroken in ways he’s never experienced before without you, but he would manage for you. For the both of you.

The months run cold and slow without your heart-warming shrieks when you saw tiny gloves and hats or when you finished putting up the crib, but your face looks a little more colorful again. 

He haven’t partied in months and he doesn’t want to, but he comes up with a small and calm gathering of people you both know and cherish. You smile when you see how different it is from the usual. When you accept his hand and swing slowly into the song he let Vladimir of all people choose, he lets out a sigh he didn’t know he was holding.

He could finally see your face without the fog again. You didn’t stop smiling. He shed a tear that you caught in your hands.

Vladimir.

It was his fault. He was sure for months. Maybe because he wasn’t good to you? Loving enough? Supportive enough? He was devastated. But the feeling that lingered was because he was ill. He was weak and he passed this to your baby. Your precious baby was dead, and it was him.

When he shared this with you, he expected everything but you raising your hand to slap him and then turning around to stop yourself. He put a hand on his face in shock even if you didn’t hit him. Was he that repulsive to you?

You grabbed his hands like he was a tiny kid, and proceeded to scold him for thinking it was his fault. You said you’ve never seen somebody talk such bullshit and he had to keep himself in check. That was harsh, but he realized you were telling the truth and that’s what hurt the most.

He had to man up and help you overcome this. No more temper trantrums, no more talking ill of himself when it came to the baby. That was disrespectful. How to cheer you up? How to make you realize you’re more than this situation? 

He took you to the garden one day. You didn’t understand at first, but he put a seed on your hand. a cyclamen. Your eyes looked for his, but he was hiding his blush.

“My mother taught me how to do this. I think we should do it together from now on, since she can not teach you mother to mother...” 

Your sudden hug was strong. Your tears were warm on the crook of his neck. But your smile was what made him tear up too. Finally. Finally, you were coming back home.

Ethan: 

Your wet hand full of blood woke him up. He was in shock when he realized you baby was gone. Just when he started to lose the fear. Just when he started to have wishful thinking every single hour of the day. It was just his luck, to see your horrified face, to see you asking if your baby wouldn’t open their eyes. 

He did everything in his power to make your body recover, but the thing he worried the most about was your heart. His hugs lingered, his face scrunched up but he didn’t cry. There was no way he could ever make you overcome this. He was useless.

Beliath knocked some sense in his head after he tried to give you some space one day. He was drinking like crazy and Beliath knocked his cup off. He said he had to be by your side. To stop worrying about himself because it didn’t matter how useless he tough he was, you loved him and he was the only one you had right now.

The other night, he opened the door to his room with you, hand-in-hand. You both sat down and he looked into your eyes after a long time. “I felt guilty and ashamed of me. I’m sorry for not being able to help you as much as I could but I promise I’m never leaving you alone to bear with it again. This is our baby. We will get through this together or we won’t overcome this at all.”

The kiss you shared was salty and soft. He realized you didn’t kiss in a long time. But he was about to change that. He was going to cherish you, and live. Live to show you how much he loved you and your baby, no matter what happened in his past.

Ivan:

Surprisingly, one of the most serious on how he’d deal with it. He’d lost everything once and he was not surprised. He cared about you. 

He would get whatever you needed. You’d be able to vent to him and he wouldn’t show how heartbroken he was, but you knew he’d cry at night.

The both of you would be steady on helping each other out and supporting yourselves. You’re both young and this is taking a toll on you.

The vampires wouold help you out and take you guys places, undo the room for you when you’re ready. 

Aaron is also in need of care. He was going to be the godfather... He’s going to be your biggest supporter.

Ivan would actually encourage you to go see the doctors. Even if it was dangerous, you’d find out what was the problem and you could always pretend. You’ feel reassured, and squeeze his hand. Your sweet I love you was all he needed to be sure of your recovery. You’d be fine as long as you were together.

[chiluc]

if no one else sent u diluc for the character ask game yet then.. Him... but if they have u could also do childe bc i am genuinely curious abt that one ngl

THANK YOU FOR THE ASK BLOOK ILY <3

since i havent done either of them i will do both :) bc these silly little anime men live in my head rent free!

first impression - PLEASE THIS IS SO FUNNY. I DESPISED DILUC WHEN HE FIRST APPEARED I SAW HIM AND THOUGHT HE WAS A CISHET </3 can you believe. he was my first 5* character that i pulled and i was SO upset bc out of all the characters i couldve gotten it HAD to be the one and only character that i hated.

from the moment i saw childe i just knew he was an unhinged bitch boy <3 and i loved that for him <3 not much has changed (ngl i am a HUGE sucker for that archetype <3 character who puts on a nice and friendly facade but actually kills people for fun my beloved 🥰)

impression now - diluc my beloved 🥰❤️💕 would literally die for him and i actually cried when i pulled him on my alt account he means so much to me. baby you 🥰 literally my sole source of serotonin thank you diluc mwah mwah

childe is still an unhinged bitch boy what can i say <3 i hate him 🥰

sort of unrelated but childe and diluc have switched places in my team as main dps and sub dps bc diluc sets everything on fire and ends up with like 25% of his hp left when im done killing things so 😔✌️

favorite moment - literally every moment 🥰 love you so muchh diluc 🥰 okay okay slight spoilers for diluc story quest but when he is sassy toward huffman 🥰 so true king please speak more 🥰

spoilers for the main story quest but i LOVE when childe finally drops his facade and becomes uninhibitedly chaotic and then IMMEDIATELY after losing the fight with the traveler hes just like haha my bad bestie! no hard feelings <3 and then unleashes the fucking god of the ocean and peaces out <3 king behavior!

idea for a story - oh do not get me started. i literally have lost track of how many aus i have for Them it's actually so bad. i think my favorite au is where childe betrays the fatui and takes the gnoses for himself and becomes the archon of all the elements :) and diluc serves as his diplomat bc i said so 💅 they get married and have a huge fancy wedding and diluc becomes the pyro archon and yes i am mentally ill <3 do not talk to me about this or else i will never shut up this is a promise

unpopular opinion - i do not like zhongli/tartaglia as a ship. idk it's like the power imbalance i think but something about it rubs me the wrong way. also i cannot see zhongli as anything but an aroace grandpa i am sorry but chili shippers are incorrect (/j)! like i do not care if you ship them but it is not for me! i stay as far away from the genshin fandom as possible while still running a genshin blog so idek what other opinions are unpopular but yeah. thats the big one

favorite relationship - hopefully you all already know this but chiluc (childe/diluc) lives in my mind remt free and in fact i am the one paying rent bc they force me to draw them every fucking day of my life and they are canonically married i do not make the rules they told me this themselves. they are in love.

besides the obvious answer though i also am OBSESSED with xiao/diluc as friends and childe/kaeya as fwbs do not ask how any of this came to be because i do not know! my brain is eroded <3

favorite headcanon - diluc is autistic and childe is adhd this is true and correct and i will die on this hill. another headcanon i have based on dilucs specialty dish (pile em up) is that diluc holds the record for pile em up and to this day has not been defeated <3

a headcanon i have for childe is that hes really good at styling long hair because he takes care of his younger siblings a lot and yes this is for the purposes of furthering the chiluc agenda but it just makes cents luv!!! 💅

ask game here!

[the-elf-mahat]

Solace

(( A sort of sequel/”one year later” companion piece to Solstice, the first IC story I posted on this blog. A lot has changed since then, for both me and Mahat, almost all of it for the better. We’ve both been moving from just surviving to actually living life, and it’s a rough journey sometimes, but having friends along for the ride makes all the difference. Special shout-out to @coldwall-collective, all you nerds are my family and I love you and you’re gonna have to live with that. Thank you also to all of you who have taken the time to get to know ‘Hat in game, or to read the stories here on Tumblr. It means so, so much to me. I hope you all have a beautiful and bright New Year. ))

-music-

It was the longest night of the year, and Mahat wasn't alone.

They made their way up the mountainside together, the three of them—two dark-sighted elves helping along a small, half-human child when the path grew rocky and steep. Their progress was much slower than the last time she had come this way by herself, but Mahat didn't feel the need to rush a single moment of it. She kept looking back over her shoulder and smiling at her two most beloved: the tall elven man, lean and strong, long white hair dripping over his shoulders like moonlight while silvery stubble did nothing to hide the crooked grin on his face, and the little girl holding his hand, bouncing and bubbly even at that late hour, her dark curls as abundant as her eager questions.

“Are we a'most there? Have you ever been 'ere, Mister Jaoyn? I en't gone cuz Mum said I were too small an' couldn't make the climb but I'm a really good climber now, see? I kin almos' do it all by m'self! What kind o' tree is that? D'you like countin' stars, Mister Jaoyn?” Her sweet, fluting voice flowed around and over Jaoyn's softly amused answers, as easily as a creek over stones, darting from one subject to the next with barely a pause for breath.

Eventually, the terrain leveled out, before dipping them into the small, deep bowl of a clearing. There was a lake at the center, black and gleaming like obsidian under the night sky, while the rest of the crevice was lush with mountain grasses and moss, sheltered from the winds by the high rock walls. The trio unrolled a thick wool blanket onto the ground and curled up together, Saera in the middle while Jaoyn and Mahat framed her like parentheses.

They lay like that for a long time, watching the stars drift by above them, telling each other stories about the things they saw in the sky. Jaoyn gave his rendition of a Tarauhe legend about how the moon fell in love with a white stag, and Mahat recited an ancient tale about a sky goddess that no one else in the world would ever remember. Saera, meanwhile, regaled the adults with the exciting adventures of her stuffed rabbit Ham and her rag doll Paedru, as they set out to steal a star for their very own and ended up jousting with an ill-tempered dragon and answering riddles set for them by a harpy queen, before finally succeeding in their quest and coming home just in time for a crucial tea party.

“Saera...” Mahat said cautiously, as the story drew to its close. “I 'ave a question fer ye.”

Sensing in her mother's tone that this would be a Very Important Grown-Up Question, the girl immediately sat up straight and folded her hands in her lap, nodding solemnly, her grey eyes wide with interest. Mahat covered her mouth briefly to hide a smile, before collecting herself once more.

“I know ye an' Jaoyn is still getting' 'quainted wi' each other, but I reckon ye two is on th' way ta bein' good friends, eh?” Identical eager nods from the man and the child greeted her statement, and she almost lost her composure to laughter again. “Aye, an' I feel th' same abou' th' both o' ye. Matter o' fact, I love both o' ye ver' much.” She took a breath to steady herself, hoping against all evidence to the contrary that this, all of this, was the right thing to do. “I asked Jaoyn ta marry me. Wha' d'ye think abou' tha'?”

Saera's expression crumpled in sorrow and Mahat felt her heart seize in her chest. “But he's no' my da!”

“Oh, love—nay, nay, 'e en't but--” Mahat reached out to her daughter without thinking and plunged onwards, trying to ignore the churning in her gut and the stricken look on Jaoyn's face. “But I swear, 'e loves ye an' me both, jes' as much as yer da e'er did. I bloody—I miss yer da like crazy, ev'ry damn day an' I know ye do too. But ye know… y'know 'e wouldn' want us t' stay sad an' lonely f'ever, eh?” Her voice softened as Saera's lips quivered and her eyes swam with held-back tears. “There, love… 's all righ'… nobody's fergettin' yer da, or replacin' 'im… there's more'n enou' love in my 'eart fer ye an' him an' Jaoyn too, an' I reckon… if ye look, ye'll find there's more'n enou' in yers too. Ye didn't stop lovin' Ham jes' cuz Jaoyn gave ye Paedru, eh?” The child sniffled heavily and shook her head. “Aye, 'course no', e'en though ye love Paedru too, jes' as much. It'll be like tha'. Ye'll always 'ave yer da wi' ye, watchin' o'er ye, bein' a part o' ye. Ye won't lose 'im—neither o' us will, I promise. We's jes' lucky, ye an' I, cuz we found one more person we kin love, who loves us.”

Saera wavered, looking hopeful but still hesitant. Jaoyn spoke up then, hastening to soothe the child even through his own worry and mild horror at her reaction to the news. “Miss Saera, everything your mother says is true. Your father… I never met him, but it's clear he loved you and your mother very, very much. I would never—I would hate for you to think I wanted to steal him from you, in some way. All I want is for you and your mother to be happy and safe… and to be there to make sure of it.” His odd, gentle formality seemed to sway the little girl, and she nodded slowly.

“I think—you're nice, Mister Jaoyn. I don't think you would do mean things or try an' steal my da. I think Mum loves you a lot an' Ham an' Paedru both like you and think you're funny.” Saera gained some confidence as she spoke, though she was still a bit unsteady and the tears in her eyes hadn't entirely vanished. “Um. I would like it ver' much if you married my mum. But if you en't my da then wha' is ye?” Her brow furrowed in deep concern.

“Whatever you'd like me to be, Miss Saera… an uncle perhaps… or simply Jaoyn,” the man replied, meeting her gaze with equal gravity.

“I have a uncle a'ready,” she said dismissively, before brightening suddenly, the tips of her half-elven ears flicking up to peep through her mass of curls. “Oh! You can be my an'da.” She used the Darnassian word for “father” blithely and firmly, as though that settled the matter. Jaoyn and Mahat exchanged a brief look of desperate relief—was it really just that simple?--before the girl spoke up again. “Does tha' mean we kin live t'gether, Mum? Like we used ta? Like a, a family?” She was nearly breathless with excitement all of a sudden, her eyes gleaming in the night almost as brightly as a true Kaldorei's.

Mahat felt the back of her throat drop out and her insides plummeting into endless void. “N-nay… nay, lass. No' yet. It en't safe--” Her voice was dry as the dust of a tomb as she watched the shining hope in her daughter's face twist itself into despair and then an instant later, furious anger.

“Why no’?!” Saera shrieked, eyes welling with tears once again. “Ye said—you said—he loves us! He wants to keep us safe, an', an' happy! We should be happy an' we should be together! It en't fair!” The child's howl of grief echoed off the canyon walls, cutting into Mahat deeper than most knives she'd felt.

“It en't, it en't, y'right love...” Mahat mumbled, trying to keep from cracking to pieces while her daughter needed help, needed her to be strong. “There's nothin' 'bout this tha's fair, an' ye kin be angry, ye 'ave ev'ry right t' be angry, at—at th' world, at me—I's sorry, I's so damn sorry, I's doin' ev'rythin' I kin--” Her voice cracked on a harsh sob just as strong arms settled around her shoulders and pulled her in close.

“It's all right, my love,” Jaoyn murmured in her ear, holding her tightly as she clutched at his shirt and struggled to calm her erratic breathing. It was only a moment, but it was enough, the kiss he pressed to her forehead centering her, making the world swim back into focus. She squeezed his hand gratefully and glanced at Saera, who seemed about an inch and a half away from total meltdown herself, only momentarily stalled as her rage vied with concern for her clearly stricken mother.

Jaoyn nodded in understanding, and gently released Mahat, turning his focus to Saera. “Indeed, it's all right to be angry, Miss Saera. Sometimes it's even good to be angry, because it helps us fight against the bad things. But sometimes you get angry and there's no bad things around to fight, so you know what I do then?” he asked conspiratorially, drawing a suspicious yet curious headshake from the girl. “I fight a tree.”

Saera let out a stifled little giggle, and Jaoyn widened his eyes and waggled his ears in exaggerated emphasis. “It's true! Them barky sorts have to be taught a lesson, always lookin' down on us shorter folks. I go out and give 'em a proper beatdown, even though they try to fight back by puttin' all their splintery bits in my knuckles.” He offered her his hand, rife with the callouses and scars of millenia, a stark, massive contrast to her tiny, soft palms. “In fact, I think I spy an aspen gettin' all snobbish on the other side of the lake. Come help me show it what's what?”

The child nodded eagerly, getting to her feet and scrubbing the moisture from her eyes. Hand in hand, they headed off to fight the trees, Jaoyn shooting Mahat a soft, encouraging smile over his shoulder as they went.

Mahat couldn't help but smile in return, drawing her knees to her chest and hugging them tight as she watched the two figures recede into the distance. “I do no' deserve tha' man...” she whispered wryly to her knees, her panic ebbing away as her heartbeat slowed to a normal pace—until it was sent spiking by a too-familiar voice in her head.

“Damn righ' ye don't.”

“Fuck off,” Mahat growled, shoulders slumping in exhaustion. She didn't need this too. Not tonight.

“Ye always need me. 'Specially t'night. Wha' th' fuck is ye thinkin'? Playin' houses like a damn schoolgirl? Ye know 'ow this story ends, 'ow it always ends.”

“It don't always 'ave t' end th' same.”

“Sure it does, an' ye know it. Ye's on'y lyin' ta y'self by pretendin' diff'rent.”

“Sometimes lies become th' truth when they's believed in hard enou',” Mahat murmured, weary but still defiant. “Ye weren' born wha' ye is. Ye made y'self—ye lied t' yerself abou' wha' ye was 'til it became true. I kin do th' same.”

There was a bark of cruel laughter in her mind. “Ye think ye kin lie yer way inta bein' a good person? Fool y'self inta bein' a lover, bein' a fuckin' mother? Y'stupider'n I thought. Tha' kinda shite's beyond us.”

“Beyond ye. But I en't ye.”

“Aye, so y'keep sayin'. But 's jes' another lie ye tell y'self, eh? Elsewise… why en't ye tried ta get rid o' me, if y'so sure I's summat other'n ye?”

“It en't poss'ble.”

“Horseshite. Ye en't tried. Ye know all manner o' fancy magic spooks an' mindfuckers, y'tellin' me ye don' think a single one o' 'em cou' do summat? Don' bother lyin', I know th' truth. Ye's scared. Ye know if ye lose me, ye lose y'self. An' th' damn irony is, ye's gonna lose y'self one day anyway. One day soon, when yer playhouse comes crashin' down around y'ears.”

Mahat bit the inside of her cheek so hard she tasted blood, her vision going red at the corners. “Shut y'fuckin' mouth.”

The other voice turned suddenly, absurdly, gentle and earnest. “'S th' both o' us t'gether, love, an' tha's all we'll e'er 'ave. Bes' accept tha', accept us, afore ye lose summat else y'held close an' then lose y'mind entirely. Ev'ryun else kin break. Ev'ryun else kin die. From th' greatest t' th' smallest...” A child's cry carried across the dark water of the lake, and Mahat bolted upright, every sense and instinct frozen in place by a bolt of perfect, horrifying fear.

It was a laugh, she realized a second later. She could see the two figures in the distance under the aspen tree. Jaoyn had punched the trunk and was miming a dramatically pained reaction, and Saera was cackling in delighted laughter, her tears and anger forgotten. Mahat dropped back down to the blanket and curled in on herself, adrenaline making her heart pound and her shoulders shake. The rush faded quickly, leaving her numb and empty, but when Jaoyn and Saera returned, she folded the latter swiftly in her arms and leaned back into the other's embrace.

The three of them cuddled together on the blanket again, Mahat in the center this time. Jaoyn kissed her neck and softly stroked her hair as she whispered an apology to Saera, who accepted with sleepy amiability, yawning and burrowing into her mother's side like a heat-seeking kitten. Fighting to crawl from beneath the shadow of her fear, Mahat found herself emerging into starlight, surrounded by love and comfort, suspended in a moment that was untouchable, inviolable by whispers, by lies, by secrets. It didn't matter who she was, or who she'd been. The past was an echo and the future a question; only the present, only that moment, was real.

Saera murmured a request for a song, a lullaby that had always been her favorite. Mahat's lips parted, voice hesitant and creaking with emotion at first, slowly building to something smooth and strong and sweet. Jaoyn knew the song, she'd sung it to him before, and his warm baritone voice came rolling in, supporting her and filling out the lower notes. Saera let out a happy sigh, radiating peace and contentment as she drifted off. Mahat soaked in that peace, drowning her fears and her senses, relishing it like the Light itself.

It was the longest night of the year, and she wasn't alone.