#im sober rn after about a 2 week binge and Baby I'm Hating It

[fadewalking]

drug use tw and also probably tmi but ....

Idk i just wanna vent into the void a little bit

Ever since the D.A.R.E program, I've always been really pro-drugs. I think many drugs are fine to take, and there shouldn't be a stigma around doing them. I also think we (the US) should decriminalize ALL drugs, including the very bad ones, in an effort to destigmatize so that people who are addicted to them feel safe getting help, and for a lot of other reasons but that's not what this post is about.

Sure some drugs have risks that make taking them dangerous or addictive, and I can agree that some drugs should never be done, even once, and that even mild drugs aren't for everyone, especially those with addictive personalities. Still, in general, im pro-drug. though i feel like i've recently discovered a side to it that i didn't consider before, and im not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. Which is, i really don't feel happy unless im on some kind of drug. now u may be thinking "that's obviously a bad thing wtf are u ok" and the answer is no, im not ok. But im also Fine, you know? Like, safety-wise, I'm completely stable, so no worries there. But also, it's not like i was very happy with life, started doing drugs, and then all of the sudden i can only be happy when on drugs. I've been Not Okay for years, and doing drugs is the only place I've found relief. I guess it could get dangerous if I start being reckless, and doing more and more risky drugs in an effort to get a stronger, longer high, but so far I've been very careful about what I take, and how much of it i take. And in general, i stay away from anything with high health risks, and I don't typically do any drugs that have a risk of chemical dependency. I intend to keep things that way. That's not to say im not addicted to the drugs i do take, because i definitely am or at least getting there. But my addiction is a behavioral one, and not a chemical one.

Since I don't have any chemical dependencies. I can technically stop, and often do for long periods of time when i don't have the funds for it. But why would I ever want to stop? during those sober times is when I am mentally at my lowest point. If I'm not actively doing something, I get agitated and depressed, and keeping busy makes me feel exhausted and drained, which is equally unpleasant. the only time i am comfortable just existing on my own is when im high. It's not even really a "high" feeling, not like euphoria or anything. I just feel content and peaceful, like I'm okay being in the moment, and just vibing. It's not a feeling I could get before I started doing drugs. So the drugs didn't take anything from me, only added to it. I guess the downside is the financial burden, and the social risk of being drug tested when applying for jobs or whatever. But it's worth it to feel Okay imo. I suppose it's likely that my doing drugs makes the sober periods worse than they'd otherwise be if I never did them. Like, I get MORE agitated than I would be if I stopped or never did them to begin with. and I can see how someone would read this and think I am just rationalizing and unhealthy behavior as being a positive thing. but like, oh well, i guess? In an essence, how is it functionally different than taking antidepressants? This is a rhetorical question. I know there are many technical differences from a prescription drug, monitored by a professional, and street drugs. I just mean, they both have mood stabilizing/altering effects, and in my case, both are used to try to help me be less Not Okay. So why is one an unhealthy crutch, while another is perfectly okay? (assuming that the drug in question is relatively risk free, as far as drugs go). This is also a rhetorical question. But if u really wanna talk about it for some reason, you can shoot me an ask i guess. In conclusion, my new opinion on drugs is as follows: if you're someone who struggles, but manages to find contentedness without drugs, maybe don't do them, because they just might take that ability to find okayness or even happiness away from you. But as for me? Oh I'm gonna turn up.