#im so used to 4-5 exams to study for but this semester? easy...

[red-eft]

finals week is so weird for me this year.. what do u mean this is my most relaxing week of the semester so far. wack

[wttcsms]

sorry if you're not comfortable answering this, but I saw you say that you've been diagnosed with depression. how did you know when to seek help?

tl;dr: from a young age, i never lived a healthy lifestyle with an easy pace. i (and maybe even my family) put too much pressure on me, and i never really coped with it in a healthy manner. my attempt at handling things "with ease" and "not stressing" was actually just me bottling up my emotions, and it's not until things started getting really bad that i finally sought help.

nothing uncomfy abt it at all! discussion of mental health is pretty important! tbh, i never thought i would have depression or be diagnosed with it; i started showing symptoms for around a year before i started really thinking to myself, hey, i think there might be something up with me mentally and this isn't just some silly, quirky thing i'm going through. ever since i was around 18, i went through great lengths to ensure i would achieve maximum academic success but while being a full-time college student and consistently working 60+ hours a week (70+ during the summer bc my junior year internship was so intense; i also went to college 2 years early, so i think that's when the internal pressure to "do well in life" began) was taking a massive toll on me mentally and physically. i would survive off of 4-5 hours of sleep, consume concerning amounts of caffeine, i was losing hair, i was losing drastic amounts of weight, i was breaking out and breaking down, and even when i got better, i still wasn't fully ever healed from that experience purely bc my schedule just never slowed down.

i am still a full-time student, i am still working 7 days a week, leading to 60+ hours (40 hours internship, 20 hours at my weekend part-time job). on top of that, i am in the second to last semester of my grad school, i help out around the house bc after my older sister moved out, i took over the eldest daughter duties, i am still holding myself to a very high standard academically (already planning to apply to phd programs, studying for the cpa exam, already have another summer internship lined up). i knew things were getting bad because 1) i am finally older (im abt to turn 21! yay!) and i realized that the lifestyle i'm living isn't healthy and 2) a lot of my behaviors didn't feel "normal" to me anymore. it finally hit me around two months ago, when i realized that i sort of lost my love for fanfiction. i've been in a weird mood where i didn't want to read any fanfic whatsoever, but i chalked it up to being "too busy" and focused on other things. when i couldn't even find the energy to read my own mutual's fanfic, i knew something was up bc i always try to power through and remain enthusiastic on my friends' behalf. more behaviors that were a cause for concern:

my disinterest in everything that brought me joy previously. sweet treats at the end of the day, coffee before work, buying makeup from sephora, cleaning my room (sounds silly, but i love having a clean living space and cleaning my room used to be a source of peace and joy for me), writing fanfiction, reading books, watching youtube videos, catching up on shows that would release weekly and that i used to count down the days to watch — none of it held my interest. i wasn't excited, i didn't care.

it wasn't just a lack of joy from things i loved, either. rejections from programs i looked forward to/rejections from opportunities, abysmal grades in class, looming deadlines that i most likely wouldn't make, growing assignments on my work to-do list; none of this elicited a reaction from me. there was no stress (that i was feeling; subconsciously, i think the stress was still there and i just refused to acknowledge it), but there also wasn't disappointment or sadness. i had no emotional response to anything, and that was very concerning to me, and the main reason i contacted my sister and then her boyfriend (who is a licensed psychiatrist)

i could sleep for 12+ hours a day. there are many days in the week where all i want to do is rot in bed. not even in a "go on my phone and dick around in bed" type of way, either. i would have certain days where i couldn't leave the bed. sometimes, i wouldn't even feel tired, but i would just sleep. my internship is wfh and if it was a slow day with no assignments, i would clock in and spend that whole day in my bed, sleeping. it got to the point where i wish work was busy so i would have something to force me out of bed. yes, i would be aware of my tiredness sometimes, but this felt different altogether. i just wanted to basically hibernate lol.

i had constant headaches. i thought it was because of the nature of my job, where i look at computer screens all day, or maybe it was bc i wasn't drinking enough water. i would also get unexplainable cramps sometimes.

tmi, but little to no pleasure and an extreme decline in interest in sex

i had extreme issues with focusing on work and studying; a lot of my work (and school materials) centers around thinking through problems and applying tax law or guidance to certain situations.

my diet fluctuated; some days, i wouldn't want to eat, yesterday, i gorged myself on food, eating to the point where even i had to pause and go wtf.

not very often was i randomly sad, nor did i ever want to kill myself or self-harm; when i was a teenager (17/18) and probably showing signs of depression, i was very irritable, angry, sad, and had suicidal thoughts, thought i was worthless, an idiot, etc. however, i mostly just feel empty and apathetic during my episodes now.

what helped me seek help was knowing that my behaviors and how i was feeling didn't feel healthy, but also, my best friend recently shared her diagnosis with me and i would have never thought she would be depressed. my sister's bf was also a major help in getting me comfortable to consider the possibility of having a mental illness and also in finding someone to talk to. hope this helps!

edit: forgot to mention it, but i exhibited many/all of those symptoms for around the past 3 months before ever seeking help. those behaviors started manifesting tremendously and seriously disrupting my daily life, and i knew i needed to do something to get my life back on track.

[luminous-studiess]

still studying for one more exam but im hoping to update my study tips/general masterposts on resources that have helped me so far...... but if i could say in a nutshell what helped me (a chronically-ill, mentally-ill, struggling student) last year i would say: 1. keeping a diary religiously to help me process some of the thoughts that i usually bottle up or vent online in unhealthy ways. i started incorporating pastel drawings into it as well. ive been very mindful and peaceful.

2. “deep work” aka not necessarily working longer hours but using work hours ONLY for work 

3. making sure not only to eat regular portions of fruits and vegetables but 2 also take my maintenance medicine + vitamins 4. exercising regularly. light exercise. walks. i hit a fitness goal doing this, and even built up some muscle! more importantly, it helped me feel less sluggish and helped me feel like i could do SOMETHING even on my worst days.

5. building a routine. nothing fancy. often my panic comes from not knowing what to do, so i map out the most urgent tasks and figure out the simplest way to do them. done, not perfect.

6. i set a lot of time for my hobbies. law school is difficult, but i refuse to allow what may be my career to define what i do as an individual. i baked, cooked, played piano, learned to sing, played video games, wrote, watched a lot of animation and did some rigorous drawing practice

7. i reached out to people. there will always be people who love you and are willing to help when you’re in a rut. i would have never survived the semester without my family and the friends who helped me study, work through my little slumps with me, and generally just shared their time and love with me. 8. i learned not to expect too much of myself. it became much much much easier to get by in school, in life, in general when i learned to have a very honest, very measured view of my capabilities. i know i can do some things, and there are some things that i know i can’t do. some things will never be easy. i think learning what my limitations were, in a way, helped ground me-- i realized that all i have to do for now is to do the best i can, with what i have. that’s all we can do.

[nympsycho-ao3]

Hi so sorry if this is a weird question. I start college next week and I'm really nervous and overwhelmed. I graduated high school almost 5 years ago so I'm really late getting to it, I don't remember a whole lot about school life. Do you have any advice?

Not sure why youre asking a random smut writer on the internet but i would love to help if i can!

I was a huge lazy sack of shit in college ahhaha. My college years were spent either drunk or high for the vast majority of it. So my first piece of advice is to dont do that lmao. I missed out on a lot of fun, socializing, and networking because i was inebriated alone in my room. Id imagine with covid its even harder to meet new people so take every opportunity you can.

Find at least 1 person in every class that can cover for you if you miss notes or have questions about material. Youll generally make a friend too which is a nice bonus but really that safety net is nice. Dont abuse it either, like dont skip class for days then just ask for notes lmao.

On that note go to class strategically. I was able to skip a few classes every semester in their entirety bc they were easy and i got away with it but if they take attendance make sure you go. Again with covid im not sure with this stuff but actually give a fuck about the stuff youre learning. I wish i did instead of just memorizing and forgetting. I wont tell you to go to every class every time bc fuck that, but prioritize the classes you simply cant skip.

Treat studying like a job. It is so much easier to study like an hour a day than cram studying in 10 hours overnight for an exam. Im a huge hypocrite with this so do as i say not as i do lmao.

Going into it late in the game is actually kind of a good thing because you might not be tempted into the dumb bullshit like drugs and booze like i was. Just keep it to the weekend like i shouldve hahaha

If youre on a campus, go out and enjoy it. Some of my fav parts of college were just going out and enjoying the campus and what it offered. Maybe better advice for spring but... nonetheless.

I shouldve put more effort into making friends. I really came out 4 years of college with no friends to speak of because i made the conscious decision to keep to myself because i am naturally a loner and comfortable alone. Still, i think i would have overall had more fun if i got to know the really cool people in my program.

In general, take the opportunity to leave your comfort zone. It's college, no one is expecting you to be perfect. Just have some fun while you can take advantage of the safety net of college and the bad decisions youre allowed to make. As long as you keep your grades up (or passable, which i recommend making your perrogative instead of perfection) go out, get laid, try new things, meet new people, learn new things, and enjoy expanding your worldview with little consequence.

Remember that everyone lives in their little bubble. I was so afraid of embarrassing myself that i avoided doing a lot of fun things. Not a single person gives a fuck about you in a way that theyre judging you like you think they are. So just do you, be the cool older person in the class that can buy the youngins booze (do this at your own risk but it was fun for me lmao) and tell stories like a grandparent. Also, on that note, dont be surprised at how fucking stupid these kids are. You might be the oldest and wisest in the class. Just enjoy the stupidity at your beckoning call and take it in, sometimes it's better than TV. dont hold it against them though, we were all stupid 18 yos once.

Dont ask a ton of questions in class. I mean a few is fine but not a lot. It just makes class run longer. Anyone who cares is doing the following: either asking them after class, going to office hours, or emailing the professor. Do that.

Speaking of office hours. Youll probably need some reference letters when you graduate to apply for jobs. Pick like 1 cool professor a year and really buddy up to them so you can use them as a reference. Yay, using people! And hey you might get some cool stuff out of it. Talking with my professors was always pretty neat and enlightening. They will know what youre doing but they know the game too and theyre just happy youre putting effort into earning the reference. Just dont get boners for the hot ones like i did oop--

And uuhh flash cards. All my homies love flash cards. I still have all my digital ones from my classes for no reason but... they came in clutch!

I didnt work through college bc im a privileged little brat but, i think i would have had my shit together more if i did. So depending on your major find something relevant and maybe find a flexible part time gig (easier said than done im aware)

I graduated with a 3.8 gpa and a damaged liver and lungs but hey i survived! Hope this helped. Again im not the best person to ask bc i really hated my major and most of my classes but i saw them as necessary stepping stones to my current job. Oh well!

Good luck anon. I know you will do very well even in these covid times. Just take your shit seriously! Unlike me...

Dont go to fucking parties unless youre an asshole and/or vaccinated or until this covid shit blows over please!!!

[carotriesstudy]

When you’re not doing well at uni and failing

okay, i know im not the best at keeping this blog bc its like not a physical thing so i forget i have it lol

but i wanted to just talk a little and vent bc of my life is pretty shit atm (the tips at the start are written post rant to actually give some advice instead of just venting)

Tip 1 - get out of bed

I know its hard, I could spend my life in bed and tbh I do. but I also know that while it feels like taking care of yourself to relax, I know it’ll make me more depressed. and it's super hard. I constantly tell myself to get up while lying there an entire day. but when you feel that little spur of energy or in my case annoyance lol use it. get up and get out. 

Tip 2 - get out of your room

this is similar to tip 1 but if you find yourself in lack of motivation or energy go somewhere. take a walk, or go study in a library or cafe. and this can be even harder. having to get dressed? maybe interact with people? are you kidding me? but the minute you get out and even when you interact with people it feels better. you aren't holed up in your depression or whatever might be bothering you. 

Tip 3 - it’s okay and it’s going to be better

right now it's shit. and it feels like its never going to get better. and that you're stuck in this rut forever. but things will turn even if you don't want them to. there can be a comfort and security in your depression bc it gives a reason to why it feels like its right. but you know what also feels like that? the good, and hopefully there will be more of those. 

Tip 4 - do as much as you can handle

it's easy to not do things. I haven't done anything all semester. and it sucks bc it's biting me in the ass now. and it's not like I don't have the time. I just don't have the energy. so when I have the energy I need to remember that reading 3 pages of assigned reading is still better than none. I go to class even if I'm not paying attention bc it gets me up and out but also it gives a good idea of what I need to focus on etc.

Tip 5 - its okay to “give up”

i dont like the phrase giving up that much bc it sounds like defeat. i am in a process of severly considering not starting again next semester bc of my mental health. its serious consideration. but its one i need to make and if i decide not to go, it doesnt mean i gave up, i just realised that my current situation iisnt good and that i need to change stuff before i can continue instead of wasting my time doing a shit job at an expensive uni. so, thats good. figuring out what works and what doesnt is only a positive thing

today im in a somewhat good mood despite learning i failed my stats exam (dw its not bad we have multiple so i can still pass)

but the thing is, i have been in a very bad place or a long time and it has really been affecting me and by extension also my education.

i feel apathetic towards everything, im uninterested, and the stress and obligatoin feel i used to really on to study isnt kicking in anymore due to the apathy

im constantly tired, i cant get out o bed in the morning and we have madatory attendance (which probably is good bc otherwise i wouldnt be going to class probably)

my concentration and attention is somewhere completely different atm and its been weeks like this (usually its a few days) and i cant control it very well and its making it hard for me to study and pay attention

im letting myself slip, my room is slipping, my health is slipping

while im trying to get better and be more social which is easier than studying bc usually its just me and this one friend getting high and watching stupid videoes which is nice bc its a break to feel happy and entertained but its also not good for me

back to school stuff since this is a study blog

im no doing good in any of my classes, i barely passed two exams, failed one and possibly one more

i have an exam on friday i need to study for, and one on monday. i neeed good grades in these to make up for the not so good marks i have received before

and while i know that taking care of your mental health is more important not feeling like doing academic work is bothering me a lot actually and its a hellish circle of poor mental health leads to poor academic performance which then leads to poor mental health

and while my apathy and alexithymia saves me from feeling sad or upset by my grades i know deep down i want to do well. i want to succeed. 

i cant keep not working, i need to put in work if i wanna improve. this isnt high school anymore

im doing some hard courses this semester and while i am usually interested in most of them i cant seem to care 

im doing better today mentally and i feel up for getting some stuff done so im going to exploit that but i also just want to sleep and wake up feeling actually awake for once

im also getting sick so thats fun

my parents are also making me see a therapist (i haven't started yet) and i think thats a good idea but i have a lot of anxiety about it lol hence why i need therapy 

im also going to talk to counsellor at school and see what she can help with as well

idk what id going to happen but im trying to finish my semester and get back into a good study rhythm. I anyone wants to throw some advice or encouragement my way id really appreciate it.

[trishadgrn-blog]

My journal 💜

Week 1

I have had a good weekend. Hung out with my friends on saturday night. After my ex took our son so I decided to go home early and do the things very important before go to sleep. We started our first week in second semester I met my new classmates and teachers. I am glad that most of them are friendly and I hope they'll be my friends soon.

Week 2

The college schedule can seem crazy at times. Doing homework until midnight is not easy but I love what I do and all that I learn. The best and worst part of college is the flexibility it offers. You are able to choose everything: your classes, extracurricular activities, friends, etc. A great deal of responsibility and time management is needed, but with a bit of planning and coffee you can be very successful. Surviving college takes hard work!

Week 3

After I woke up this wednesday morning, I made the regrettable decision of waking up. I tried to go back to sleep but I could not relax. Today was one of those days where either I get up or I get up. I have morning class and started every 7am. Then I got a message from someone, we are going on date this saturday.

Week 4

I did nothing much this week except to my schoolworks and taking care of my son. I watched my favorite tv series Glee and after watched 2-3 episodes each day I decided to rest early.

Week 5

It is 2nd week of december. The wind is started to cold and by 6pm the sky is darker unlike the past months. For this week I want to prepare myself for the incoming prelim week by next week so for now I want to stay in my room after school.

Week 6

Prelim week is comiiiiing! Good luck to myself and I hope this will not be hard for me to answer the exams and remember those topics that I reviewed. Spend my 4 days straight to my rascal son. Being a teen mom isn't easy especially you're still student but Im proud that I can manage my time to study and take care of my baby.

Week 7

Christmas is comiiiiing!!!!! Before I went to my ex's house, I bought some gifts to my baby boy. Seeing him happy to those gifts that I gave him, I felt like I'm luckiest mom to him. And again, I'd celebrate christmas without my son. Hoping next year he with us with my family.

Week 8

New year, still old me! Just kidding. This year I hope pure happiness and more opportunity will come. 2018 gave me a lot of lesson and realization that I'll become better for this year.

Week 9

After a long break back to school again. This week I felt lazy and tired, I want to memorize the countries and capitals in asia and europe but in the end I'm still here at my bed wasted my time for nothing hays.

Week 10

This week had fun again with my high school friends. Tried to be productive and so much nothing happened this week. :(

Week 11

Someone chatted me and he's my ex's schoolmate. I'd admit that he's type of person that happy to talk to. After I went to my friend's house, he insisted to take me home.

Week 12

It's Svyttlana's birthdaaaay!!!!! We'd celebrate her birthday at her house. After that I went to riverbanks with him again to watched car show.

Week 13

This week for the hearts, unlike others they'd celebrate valentines with their partners and I'm celebrate my valentines with my baby boy :)

Week 14

It's midterm week and again nothing so much happened because I'm here at my room, memorized the blank map of asia and africa.

Week 15

This is unforgettable moment, we went PICC to witnessed the new Mr and Ms OLFU '19. We all glad that crowned for this pageant is from the Antipolo campus.

[helena-studyblr]

a post no one asked for!

hello so i reblogged a questionnaire a lil bit ago and i’m going to answer them now because...why not

1. how old are you?

im 18!

2.  are you in high school or college(university)?

college

3. what year or grade are you in high school or (university)? 

im a freshman in college

4. what is your school’s grading system look like? do you like it? what problems do you have with it, if any? 

so my university has a standard letter grade system for most classes and pass/fail for some courses that don’t really need a grade. i do like it because it’s what i’m used to, however, a lot of times having a letter grade system can be more stressful because it makes you feel like anything but some kind of A is mediocre and not good enough, when in reality, a 75% or above is better than average.

5. if you are in high school do you plan on going to university or college? if you are in college do you plan on finishing and if you do, do you plan on continuing on to other graduate or professional schools? 

i plan on going to veterinary school after i finish my undergraduate degree! if i end up changing my major to my second choice(music education is my second choice), then of course I won’t be going to vet school.

6. if you are high school what do you plan to study in college, if you plan to go. if not, what do you plan on doing after high school? if you are in college what is your major? do you plan on changing it? 

i am currently studying biochemistry and molecular biology and i have a minor in music! i dont plan on changing it at this point, but if i do, i’d change it to music education.

7. why are you picking or why did you pick what you are currently studying? 

i want to go to vet school, and biochemistry has almost all the requirements for vet school admissions. also, i find it interesting

8. do you go/plan to go to community college, technical college, or a four-year institution? how did you make your decision, or how do you plan to?

i am at a 4 year university, and i went here because it fits what i want to do

9. what factors did you consider when picking a college, or what factors do you plan on considering? 

the college I chose is in my hometown, which is probably one of the deciding factors(i really wanted to be close to home). the campus is very pretty and small as well, and i really wanted to go to a small college. i could have potentially gone to The Ohio State University because i’m about 20 minutes away, but the camous is so big and i know i would have hated it. the school also has a good music program, soi can continue playing even though it isn’t my major

10. what is your favorite pencil?

i love my muji mechanical pencil and also the papermate clearpoint!

11. what are your top three favorite pens?

pilot juice, muji gel pens, and sharpie pens

12. do you prefer wide-ruled paper, college-ruled, dot-grid, or graph paper? 

college ruled is my favorite for class notes, graph paper for revised/nice notes/math work, and blank for planning generally

13. do you use different types of paper for different courses or classes?

i use college ruled for almost everything except math homework(i use graph)

14. do you use a backpack/bag for school or college and what kind is it? why did you choose it? price, quality, function, design? 

i use a backpack, i have no idea what brand it is, but its the perfect size for everything i need to take to classes and its also really pretty(it has a black background with flowers on it)

15. what is your favorite outfit to go to class in and why? 

i generally wear leggings and a sweatshirt/sweater just because they’re comfy and also look cute! if its warm enough, i wear flip flops but if not, i wear my vans or converse.

16. what is something you always have to have in your backpack or bag?

usually my laptop and pencil case

17. what is your least favorite subject and why? 

math!!!!!!! will always hate. guarunteed. 

18. have you ever gone to tutoring, if so, how has it helped your academic endeavors? 

i have not

19. have you ever seeked academic counseling, if so has it helped you?

i haven’t

20. has your mental health ever suffered during high school or college, and what did you do to cope? 

holy shit yes. i suffer from depression and anxiety(depression for almost a year and anxiety for 4 years). i could make a whole post about this but in general, i make sure i give myself time to relax. it can be so so hard to take care of yourself when you suffer with things like this, so even if you can barely get out of bed, try to make time to do things that make you happy. for me, it’s drawing, netflix, and video games.

21. do you like to listen to music when studying? if so, what genre, if you have a playlist share it! 

i do listen to music! i just listen to music i like, which is rock/pop punk/alt rock/etc. (here’s one of my playlists!: https://open.spotify.com/user/helenakitten14/playlist/4R6ZGIlz8K5UDEk80cVfV5?si=cXK0z3HTRUKCQSKx9F8tNA )

22. do you prefer to study at a library or at home at your desk?

depends what i’m working on and how much i have to do. if i feel like i have to be totally focused, i go to the library, but if i have some time to take breaks and get distracted, i just stay in my room. I also hate going to the library on my own, so sometimes i stay in my room anyway if no one can come with.

23. what are your top three items you keep on your desk?

my lamp, my laptop, and whatever drink i’m drinking while working( i always have a drink so i avoid snacking lol)

24. do you feel as if you are more productive during the day or in the evenings? 

evenings for sure

25. if you exercise, do you feel as if it affects your productivity and if so how? 

i do marching band which is usually my exercise, but i don’t work out. working out just exhausts me and i don’t have energy to begin with(ye ye depression)

26. do you participate in any extracurriculars and if so how do you manage your time?

marching band and wind ensemble! i’m also joing KKPsi, which is an honorary fraternity for music service! i am not great at time management, however, i plan out everything to hold myself accountable

27. do you use a bullet journal, a planner, or to-do lists? do you use a combination of all three? 

i use a combo of all three! i’ve been bullet journalling a lot recently, but i also use a planner during busy weeks when i dont have time to make a spread and i make to do lists for weekends

28. do you have a note-taking style?

nothing specific

29. do you have a color-coding system?

i like to make every different topic/spread a different color. also, when i make notes, i like to highlight vocab words.

30. what do you believe is one of the most overrated studyblr trends? 

100 days of productivity. its impossible to be completely productive for 100 days straight. shit happens, and i understand the purpose of the 100 days challenge, but i think it also takes a toll on you mentally.

31. what are your career goals, how do you plan to reach them? 

i want to be a veterinarian or someone that works with animals somehow. i hope to go to vet school and then have my own practice or join another practice.

32. do you use a laptop? if so which model? how does it perform, would you reccomend it? if not, what model would you like?

i use a macbook air! it is nice because it is easy to transport, but occasionally the functionality can be questionable(storage space is always my issue). i do reccommend it, though. if i could get a new laptop, i’d probably get a macbook pro. 

33. do you use a tablet? if so which model? how does it perform, would you reccomend it? if not, what model are you interested in?

i don’t, but i think having an iPad would be nice!

34. if you post pictures to tumblr, do you use a camera or your phone, if so, what is the model? 

i use my iPhone 6s

35. 0.5, 0.7, or 0.9 pencil lead? 

usually .5 or .7

36. 0.5, 0.7, 0.9, or 1.0 pens? 

.5

37. how many hours a day do you spend studying? are your hours consistent daily or do they differ depending on assignments and exams? 

i tend to study for a majority of the day most days, but it always differs. i have no set timetable

38. how many courses do you take? what are they?

so i am in 8 courses right now. Biology, Gen Chem, Bio Lab, Gen Chem Lab, Calculus I, The History of rock n roll, Wind Ensemble, and Marching band.

39. how long until you graduate? in credit hours, semesters, or years?

i still have 3.5 years left of college, which is 7 semesters

40. how did you find the studyblr community?

honestly i dont remember, it was so long ago

41. how did the studyblr community impact you? 

i was in a big funk my sophomore year of high school. i had no motivation, i hated learning, i hated everything tbh. but them i found this community and it inspired me and showed me that studying can be fun and pretty while also being a learning experience!

42. do you go to school in the day or night?

day!

43. what is something you are too afraid to be involved in at school or college and why? 

 in high school, i was very afraid to get involved with a lot of things, such as theatre and some other clubs just because of anxiety.

44. do you type or write your notes? 

i write them mostly, but my biology professor talks really fast so i usually type notes for his class

45. what do you do on your breaks from studying? 

netflix, eat, play video games, probably other stuff i’m forgetting

46. how do you study for math exams?

honestly i just look through lecture notes and hope for the best. occasionally i do practice problems but not often

47. do you rewrite your notes at home after class, or do you just use the ones you have already? why? 

i rewrite them because it helps me memorize things

48. what are your least favorite courses and why?

math of any kind! i also hate biology right now just because my professor sucks

49. are you in a relationship while in school? if so, why? if not, why? 

i recently got out of a relationship, but im open to being in a relationship with someone

50. if you are in a relationship, how do you manage that along with your studies? 

it was very hard to manage it honestly, but i did what i could to make time, even if it was only just having a meal together. 

51. if you aren’t in a relationship, do you plan on entering one while still in school? explain. 

if i find the right person, yea! being in relationsips is great, especially because you have a companion to help you when you’re struggling

52. do you worry about GPA, if so why, if not why?

oh my god yes i do. i have to have a certain GPA to keep my scholarship money and to stay in the honors program, plus i just want to do well.

53. did you or do you plan to take the SAT or ACT, how did you feel about the exams? did you study for them? have you taken it more than once?

i did take both the SAT and ACT. i did well on each, but the SAT was a lot harder for me. I got a 1220(i think) on the SAT and a 31 on the ACT. i took the ACT twice

54. did you or do you plan to take the GRE, LSAT, PCAT, MCAT, DAT (or any other grad exam)? how did it go? how are you or how did you study for it? have you taken it more than once? 

i’m going to take the MCAT

55. do you or did you take AP classes is high school? how do you feel about how they prepared you for college? did your school require you to take the exam?

yes i did take AP classes! i took 9 total, and they overall did help me learn how to manage time better as well as how to study. we weren’t required to take the exams, but i always did

56. do you or did you do the IB program in high school? can you explain it more for those who are unfamiliar with it? 

i did not, however the IB program is basically an intensive high school honors program that is very writing intensive. its like AP on steroids

57. do your or did you take dual-enrollment classes? how did you feel about how they prepared you for college? 

i didnt but i wish i did!

58. how many colleges or universities did you apply to or not? and why?

i applied to 5 colleges. i already knew where i wanted to go, but i wanted to be safe just in case i didnt get in, so i applied to the 5 i was most interested in. I also wanted to see if any other schools would give me a lot more financial aid.

59. how did you make friends in college or high school?

through band! in both situations

60. has your friend group stayed the same throughout your time in school?

yes actually! i’m still very close to all my high school friends and a few of them go to my college as well. of course i’ve met new people but i. also still have the same friends

61. how does your friend group influence your goals?

we all have our own goals, we just encourage each other and act as an outlet for stress

62. what is your favorite thing to learn about in your free time?

music and current events

63. what is your favorite study snack?

i like to eat carrots/pretzels with hummus or oreos

64. what is one thing that can completely make you stop studying? 

being depressed or tired

65. are there days during the week that you keep completely free from studying? 

yes. wednesdays are my hell days class-wise, so i refrain from doing work on those days after my classes are over

66. what do you do when you have to hustle? where do you go? 

i dont know what this means

67. are your parents or family supportive of your goals? if so how does this affect you? 

they’re very supportive!

68. do you like to read? and do you ever have any free time to do so?

i really love reading but i never have time

69. do you wear a watch? why or why not? what kind? 

nope, they annoy me

70. do you like to drink coffee or tea when working? decaf? what do you add to it? why do you like to drink coffee or tea? 

coffee with full caffeine! i always add creamer, and i drink it because it wakes me up 

71. how do you organize your notes after your finish writing them? 

i have notebooks for every class and binders as well

72. what do you do with your notes after the year or semester is over?

i either recycle them if they won’t be necessary anymore or i keep them in my closet

73. what are your favorite studyblrs?

studyign, emmestudies, and a lot more that i can’t think of

74. what are your favorite studygrams?

same as above except add on focusign and revisign!

75. what is the biggest impact a teacher or a professor has had on you?

my band director was very impactful on my life just because he was my teacher for 5 years, so we had a good relationship

76. what is the biggest impact that a class has had on you?

my film and lit class had a massive impact on me. it made me think in very different ways

77. who is your inspiration and who do you look up to academic wise and career wise? 

my dad inspires me a lot because he worked so hard to find a career he loved and kept going until he got there. he’s also endlessly supportive of me

thats it! this took me so long hahaha anyway. thanks for reading!

[livingbutamireally]

AY2019/2020 Y1S2 Module Reviews

AY2019/2020 year 1 semester 2 review

Wew this semester was more of a honeymoon period for me still since I cant advance past CS1010S - this is only the first CS mod i have to take big oof. First half of the sem was spent mostly on (re)doing CS1010S AFAST and the rest went to catching up on other modules that are of relatively lower intensities compared to modules i imagine i will have to take next semester? The most challenging mods this sem goes to CS1010S, EC1301 and also.. ST2334? About half of the semester was done at home though due to the COVID-19 pandemic and so the never-ending heap of online lectures to review (for which i am always behind on unfortunately). I have no need to S/U any module this sem fortunately but that also means I might have effectively wasted my last COVID S/Us. I’m also the kind that is happy enough just to pass.

Modules taken this semester:

CS1010S (AFAST)

GEH1031

GES1041

EC1301

ST2334

MKT1705X

CS1010S Programming Methodology (Python) – AFAST

School of Computing

Prof: Ben Leong

Exam Dates: 16 Jan (Midterm Mock - not graded) / 24 Feb (Practical Exam) / 28 Feb (Finals)

Weightage:

Coursemology – 25%

Participation – 5%

Midterm test – NA

Practical exam – 20%

Final assessment – 50%

Since i took the alternative finals i have updated the final weightage for this module (last sems CS1010S had different weightages).

As we already know, this module (or any CS modules in general) easily has the highest workload compared to other modules, except this time without needing to complete missions every week? Also since its a re-module, there were no lectures/tutorials/recitations for this module and the prof spent lesser time than the first module with us. There is just one consultation slot per week that lasts about 1.5-2h, where the TAs/ prof Ben goes through exam questions over the past years and where students get to voice any doubts they might have. Hence, a lot of self-discipline is required on our part to grind past year papers consistently and drill our brains. Not sure if i’ve mentioned this before, but it’s nice of them to provide comprehensive worked solutions for about 50 exam papers (or maybe more) the profs claimed it was the only module in NUS to be doing this. Prof mentioned he was a bit disappointed in our batch as many werent putting in considerable effort right from the start aka ponning consultation slots arranged over the holidays (in December) - which is a lot of effort coming from the professor to arrange this just for our batch (first batch of CS1010S AFAST). Just name me any prof who does this for their students, coming back over the holidays to teach unpaid. Those who were not at level 50 in Coursemology had more time now to finish the missions/side-quests needed to achieve level 50 and get the full points for Coursemology (as we were expected to in Sem 1). Things were a bit rusty after the holidays at the start but it became better with practice. Was a bit disappointed at not being able to get question 2 right during the written paper (finals) it was a bit of an IQ-ish problem solving question. Anyways winged the 4m what-did-you-learn essay question (as usual) at the end as a saving grace and passed albeit by a very bit. I improved by 2 marks ?? compared to the last semester for finals, not the nicest thing to see after so much effort being put in but still. I think I’m just better at writing essays than coding....

Results for the PE

Mean is 14. Median is also 14. Standard Deviation is 7.6. Highest grades was 30/30 Question 1 turned out to be harder than we had intended, but Q2 was quite easy and most of Q3 was doable by most, as you can see in the results. Passing mark for PE is roughly 10/30. 

Mean is 51/10, median is 53/100 and standard deviation is 14.4. Highest was 81/100. Generally, the performance was much worse than we had expected. Pass grade for Finals is roughly 40/100.

Basically, if got 10/30 for PE and 40/100 for Finals and you have done your Coursemology assignments you can expect a C grade. If not, then prepare to SU. CS1010S is not graded on a curve. We set question to test that you have mastered certain concepts and your final grade is a reflection of what you seem to have mastered as reflected by your exam performance.

This whole module was done by recess week so we have more time to focus on other mods. Honestly will be happy enough just to pass. Now, how do i survive CS23030 and CS2040 rip.

GEH1031 Understanding the Universe

Faculty of Science (Physics)

Prof: Cindy Ng

Weightage:

Term Test 1 (3 Mar) – 25%

Term Test 2 (16 Apr) – 25%

Video presentation 5 Apr – 25%

Video critiques 17 Apr – 10%

Astrophotograph 17 Apr – 10%

Quizzes – 10%

Ng is relatively a slower-paced lecturer, which is good for someone like me who cant keep up with faster-paced profs. 2x on her elearning lecture videos makes the best pace imo. Her lecture slides are concise and simple, and will suffice in revision. While she does explain more in depth especially for concepts that are harder to grasp (not many) during the lecture i love that she keeps her lecture slides straight forward to the point. Everything was in point form, short and sweet much appreciated. Also if you pay attention to her lectures, you will do well for the quizzes at the end of each chapter for sure. Though i think you get the marks for quizzes as long as you did them before each deadline like participation marks kinda (?) rather than being graded on whether you answered them correctly. I didn’t do too well for term test 2 unfortunately and I also only just found out you can display the statistics of where you place among the cohort in LUMINUS and needless to say I didn’t place too well. It’s a relatively manageable module though there’s still a lot of content. Term test 1 consisted of MCQs and about 3 2m questions which she call “essay questions” which can be misleading for some (like me!). The MCQs are very tricky and most come in the format of these options: is A/ is not A/ is B/ is not B and you have to pick the right combination (2) out of these 4 options to score 1 point, which of course means less chances of getting them correct compared to the usual 25% in a typical MCQ. Term test 2 was held on LUMINUS at home, and this time since its an e-exam there was only 10mins to do about 25 MCQ, leaving only 0.4 minutes = 24s for 1 MCQ, which proved to be really stressful for many as voiced out by other cohort mates in the forum section (so very valid). The e-exam also had an essay component, 2m per question with 4 questions under 10 minutes. The implementation of this time constraint was to prevent cheating but the duration given was (I feel) unreasonable. As for the video presentation, we had to come up with a 7 min (at most) video most of which lasts 5/6mins on a news article in 2020 regarding astronomy. We had to form groups of 3 at the start of the semester, and were told to look for members on the forums if we did not have enough members. It is not necessary to show your face so you can be creative! For my group, we had a Germany graduate exchange student to work with us which was really cool.  Our group’s theme was NASA’s discovery of exoplanets with the use of TESS which was wrapped up in March, before the deadline in April. Really thankful for him to prompt us each week for progress and have it done and over with instead of rushing it last minute when things get busy during reading week. (I think the guy was really done with us im so sorry Philipp if you are reading this.) Also since term test 2 was done by mid-April we had more time allocated for other modules to prepare for finals (swee). Video critiques were supposedly 50 words long if i remembered correctly but i didnt find out until i hit the submit button and :_D i left 1/2-liners for each. One of the criteria of this video critique was showing that you have watched the videos of other groups well but i dont rmb my critiques proving that ive watched the videos carefully though i really did. I think our group did the best in our cluster though! (based on the critiques). For the astrophotograph, we could take part in the astronomy sessions held on a Friday of every month to use the telescopes but there wasn’t any this semester sadly due to the pandemic.

GES1041 Everyday Ethics in Singapore

Faculty of Arts and Sciences (Philosophy)

Prof: Chin Chuan Fei

Weightage:

4 Journal Entries – 20%

4 Reading Quizzes – 20%

Group Report – 10%

Group Presentation – 20%

Finals – 40%

Chin’s lectures are pretty enjoyable, his voice/tone really suits lectures. He is a very approachable person too and willing to share a lot of experiences relevant to the topic at hand. He includes snippets of related videos in his slides many of which are insightful that made me share with my friends too. There is a total of 4 main themes in the module which are namely inequality, meritocracy, multiculturalism and migration and he also introduced the use of an ethical toolbox to helps us reach a more definitive thought process especially for an abstract topic like philosophy. I didn’t realise this was a philo mod when bidding for it so I was really surprised when i went for the first lecture (like bro it clearly says ETHICS what was i thinking). I also thought it would be something similar to Social Studies but was proven wrong. There are compulsory readings to do each week, about 20 pages long usually per reading and they are all chapters from books written by other Singaporean philosophers regarding the themes gone through which helped to widen my perspectives and broadened my horizons, those were some really good selection of readings. I have learned more things than I previously knew about the foreign domestic workers, migrant workers, racism in Singapore among the many topics we have dealt with.

This module is for those who are : 

Comfortable with reading a lot every week (i put a lot here because i dont usually read)

Comfortable with writing essays (journal entry) 500 words each

Proficient in English (some of the expressions used can be quite complex and may take you a much longer time to process and understand especially with the reading quizzes that tests your comprehension of the readings - really just comprehension in true GP fashion)

Have a lot of experience in this field, those under social work would have many and will be able to share relevant experiences in the journal entry

Interested about the aforementioned themes

Reading quizzes are like comprehension style questions: do your readings and the questions tests you on what you have read so you just have to look for evidence of each option, the questions will refer you to the specific page/reading that will guide you (nice of them to do so). Journal entries and reading quizzes occur on an alternative week basis so reading quizzes followed by journal then reading quiz again and so forth. Nearing the end, you will be grouped according to who you sit close with and you will work together with your group members to work on a project that will have 2 overlapping themes about any policies/ observations of Singapore. It is advisable for the scope to not be too broad. e.g. we chose to talk about offering Muslim food in school canteens vs non-Muslim food (fewer food options for Muslims) and this encompasses both the multiculturalism and inequality themes. The group report will be due before the presentation and it helps identify some main points you will then talk about later during the presentation. Because of the COVID-19 pandemic, the group presentation this semester was done on Microsoft Powerpoint through voice-over slides. God bless, and there goes the need to memorise scripts especially with the finals season so near. The professor was really accommodating and gave us more time to prepare the voice-over slides when he announced that it will be held on powerpoint too. Finals was 20 MCQs in 1 hour on LUMINUS, the questions were similar to the reading quizzes (5 MCQs per quiz).

EC1301 Principles of Economics

Faculty of Arts and Sciences (Economics)

Prof: Ong Ee Cheng

Tutor: Devika

Weightage:

Pre/post-lecture Quizzes

Class Participation

Midterms 7 Mar

Finals 29 Apr

Can’t find the actual breakdown of scores sorry!

Bell-curve is really really steep for this one since its purely MCQ. Divided into micro and macroeconomics so first half of the sem was micro then the other half was macro. Finals was about 70% macro and 30% micro since micro was already tested for midterms. Every week, there’s a pre-lecture quiz to be done before the lecture and a post-lecture quiz due before the next lecture to reinforce your learning. There’s also supplementary readings that were given but i gave up on it by the third week. The way it is taught is a bit different from what I was used to in JC the things they focus on is also a bit different. There’s more calculations than JC whereas JC economics was more conceptual? I took only H1 economics so a lot of concepts were fresh for me like monopolism, comparative/absolute advantages, income elasticity etc. Both midterms and finals was held on Examplify with a lockdown on everything including wifi. The lecturer also provides additional practice questions in the form of quizzes nearing the exams instead of exam papers. To be honest, I felt this module was hard?? Not sure if anyone else felt the same way, it was a struggle.. I thought it was a fluff mod and boy was i very wrong about this. Also important thing to note is though this mod has MCQ-only exam, the MCQs are not 4 options but 6 options long with many tricky options and of course time constraint. Finals was 70/80 questions long in 1h iirc. Midterms was 40 questions. After the 3rd (?) tutorial, there was no more physical tutorials held just zoom tutorial sessions which only 3 ppl in my slot regularly attended. Towards the finals, a lot more zoom sessions were opened up and we could attend other TA’s zoom sessions this was a godsend thank you. My tutor wasn’t really clear in her explanations or maybe it is just me her accent came off a bit strong. I emailed her some questions but even now I have not receive any answers from her, she told me next week, and the next week became next next week and so on. I guess she must have had a lot on her plate. I didn’t think she was a good tutor. I flunked my midterms (5% percentile) so I was a bit dejected.

ST2334 Probability and Statistics

Faculty of Science (Statistics and Applied Probability)

Prof: Chan Yiu Man

Tutor: Li Shang

Weightage:

1. Quiz 1,2,3 (CA1) – 30% (?)

2. Finals – 60% (?)

Prof was really funny and friendly. Although his tutorials left me confused (my friends would care to disagree), his lectures were still pretty good. He always emphasised knowing what we are doing rather than doing the math blindly. The tutor was fast in his replies whenever I asked him questions by email. This module is an extension of statistics in JC, probability and many more probability distribution (F, chi-square, t test, z test) with terms we have never encountered before too (unless you took BT1101 but this mod focuses more on deriving the values than having a program-R calculate it for you). Ever since the outbreak, the lectures were converted to e-lecture slide style but each lesson would take 4 lectures (4h), instead of the 2 lecture per week so we had to spend more time watching the videos than usual. It is easy to be behind on videos when there is only e-lecture videos so much discipline is required to stay on task.

Finals was proctored with zoom and held on Luminus in the form of a quiz. We were expected to scan and submit a pdf with our workings after the exam. I did not have time to finish about 8 questions (a lot of marks gone) there were a total of 30 questions, spent too much time in front on the easier questions. I did study for the later questions but had no chance to utilize what I have revised (sad). I am really dead for this module i hope i dont fail this.

Update. God bless, thought i was really doomed for because i lost so many marks from not being able to finish 8/30 questions that have the most marks rewarded. Guess i really took time to make less mistakes on the previous questions.

MKT1705X Principles of Marketing

Business School (Marketing)

Prof: Regina Yeo

Tutor: Ms Canley

Weightage:

Individual Assignment – 15%

Group Assignment – 25% due in tutorials 4/5

Subject Pool – 10% *

Class Participation – 10% *

Final Exam 30 Apr – 40% *

* not too sure, checked from other reviewers

Individual assignment questions (total of 5) for tutorials 1-3 are given at the start for which the tutor will go through in the allocated weeks. We get to choose the question we want to do and if that week, the question will be discussed that week will be the deadline for our IAs. The other questions in the IA do not have to be submitted but will be discussed in class. There’s class participation for this module so people were more eager than I was used to, to answer questions in class. I had no opportunity to though in this module (halfway into the semester it became elearning), the tutor had too many hands to pick. The tutor was very accommodating and knew our difficulties and was willing to work out compromise. However, her classes were centered mainly on her experiences (which can be a bit boring) it could have been better if she went through the content. Understand that it is a fluff module that requires many examples, but would be good to relate them back to the content we are expected to master. Tutorials are held every alternate week and we are expected to do the individual questions even if we do not need to submit so that we have something at least to share in class. Subject pool was giveaway marks basically do 6 research surveys and u will get the full marks for that. Final exam comprises of 3 essay questions (40m, 30m, 30m) that you have to submit in 1.5h (i thought it was 2h during the paper rip mad rush for the end), no references/research needed but there’s a plagiarism checker by TurnItIn on luminus basically testing the application of concepts to examples.

I got a B+ for group assignment, and A- for individual assignment. I think i can only do essay styled questions, is this a sign to do arts.....

Oh the presentation was changed to a one-shot video recording (no stitching of individual videos together) instead of an actual presentation in front of your tutorial mates. I think a lot of other groups also read off their scripts but ours was really obvious. The tutor grades (structures her own bell-curve) based on those who attempted the same question to be more fair rather than comparing among all the different questions so in a way, the difficulty of the questions won’t affect your grade.

Epilogue. this is probably the last and only time i could do this well.... even if it does not fit the conventional definition of doing well......

[derivatived]

stalkers that never go away

i think its safe to say that we have all had people in our lives that just DONT go away. you have told them or have done things to make them understand that they need to leave you alone. these experiences can happen with literally anyone- strangers, friends, parents, or anybody that crosses your path. most of the time these stalkers, for lack of a better word, just fade away. they get bored, find someone new, or you find a way to avoid them. i wish that was my case.

i have dealt with ending friendships or just growing apart from someone but i did not deal with ending a friendship and having that person turn into a literal stalker until 1.5-2 years ago. this stalking and harassment continues indirectly to this day. let me start from the beginning if youre still interested.

i had become friends with this girl my senior year of high school. our friendship hit off very quickly and obviously we had a great time together, through texts, snapchat, whatever. we went to different universities for two years and maintained this best friendhood throughout those years. we both were unhappy with our schools and our majors so we both decided to transfer to a new school together and become roommates as well as best friends. keep in mind, we told each other everything. we trusted each other.

when we finally moved in together to start our third year of college, i realized that things would be different. i had not realized one of the biggest reasons my friend had chose this school was more so for a guy she had been seeing casually. several months before we moved in, they became official. of course i was happy for her because she was happy. but trust me, this dude was and is a total douche. this guy had also went to our high school and was in our friend group, which is how the two met and rekindled. this guy also took women’s virginities and hung the bloody sheets on his wall and bragged about it, NOT KIDDING. if that isn’t an indicator of poor character, i don’t know what is. but that was several years ago and my friend was happy, so fuck it, whatever.

as we started living together, i realized my best friend became more interested in hanging out with her new boyfriend and his friends. i constantly felt annoyed when we all hung out because she wasnt being herself, she was being someone completely different than the friend i had for years. it was like she needed these stranger’s approval to make her boyfriend happy. if i made an inappropriate joke, which i’m known for, everyone would laugh but my “best friend” would scold me in front of everyone. over a few months, i got really bored with these people. her boyfriend and all of their friends just constantly disrespected women, including me and my friend, but she and everyone else just laughed along with it. i honestly did not appreciate the personalities of my friends boyfriend or his friends and it was lame.

aside from her new lame ass friend group, i was also dealing with my own issues. i had went through a breakup with someone i met online. when i confided in my roommate/friend, she basically shrugged me off. i mean, i was really upset about the whole thing. it took me months to get over that shit. but she shrugged me off and honestly treated me rudely because i was upset about it. it is important to remember, that even though i was annoyed with her and her choice of friends, i still confided her with this secret basically. my online relationship wasnt something i shouted from rooftops and is something i am still embarrassed of 3 years later.

but anyway, our friendship slowly faded. she was more interested in getting drunk with her boyfriend and his friends. i kind of grew out of that stage and i truly did not like the people she was hanging out with. 4 months into living with each other, winter break came and we both went home for a month. keep in mind, we had the same friend group from home. when i got home, i started making plans with everyone that was home. occasionally i invited my roommate but she said no every time except once because she was working. i stopped asking and figured since we know the same people, she can make plans when shes available. i saw her once that month. the texts and snaps we used to have also faded btw.

when we got back to school, she made it a point not to invite me anywhere with her boyfriend or their friends. when i brought it up to her she was just like yeah im not inviting you because you didnt invite me to anything over break. i was seriously like in shock. we had the same friends, she denied me so many times, and she was making this point to not invite me anywhere because of it? but i was just like alright i didnt know you felt that way. we basically dealt with the problem and moved on. but nothing changed and i would say this is where the harassment/stalking began. we eventually stopped talking sometime around march. i had also gotten a boyfriend from a different school and went to visit him a lot. but i stopped saying hi to her and i stopped initiating any contact just to see what would happen. the funny thing was that we didnt speak to each other until may because i stopped starting conversations and putting in effort. imagine not talking to your roommate for 2 months? well, the story gets worse.

but ya know, whatever. i give people chances. i knew we were both taking physics over the summer at our school so i started talking to her again. i also still wanted to be her friend, i did not decide not to be until many months later. anyway, we were both biology majors taking physics. this was a 5 week summer course that went at an advanced rate but the professor was cool and made it super easy- the homework problems were the exam. unfortunately, my friend/roommate dropped the course after the first week. she did super bad on the first exam. i tried to tutor her and i did everything i could as a friend to insist she not drop the course. i was pretty surprised by what happened next. she was just really accusatory towards me (i did very well on the exam bc i studied and love math). she claimed she couldnt take classes with me (we took one before and i did better than her) etc. but if you want the truth, she didnt study for the exam and got drunk at a bar with her boyfriend the night before, thats why she didnt do well. but i digress. she dropped the course and a week later she told me she was changing her major.

now the major change is another thing entirely. this pissed me off to no end because it was like i knew her so well. i knew she wanted a degree in biology.. she switched to pre-pa. and i tried to convince her not to but she kept insisting she could be pre-pa and still go into genetic counseling or a genetics career later (which is what she had always said she wanted to do). but basically she changed her major to pre-pa and i butted out. i am not dissing pre-pa majors. i think thats a good major.. if you want to become a pa.. but she didnt.. so it was a huge mistake.

anyway, summer ends and we actually have a new roommate moving into our apartment for the next two semesters. we had both agreed to this a year ago, ya know, when we were still friends. the guy that moved in was her boyfriends best friend. yeah. so again, this dude was a total douche as well. sexist, jokes about rape, sexual harassment, bla bla. just a complete idiot like her boyfriend. but whatever, I GIVE EVERYONE CHANCES.

he moves in and it was alright at first. but i noticed my best friend just like wanted nothing to do with me anymore, she was literally up this guys ass all fucking day now. she never had time to chill with me during the day but suddenly she has time for this dude. and this goes back to earlier when i said about her being a different person around her boyfriends friends. she just wanted to fit in so badly and have friends. me and her had also gotten into huge argument before he moved in. she had kind of ditched me on my 21st birthday and lied about it. she said she had an exam for a summer class, then ordered a pizza to our house, and left with it to go to her boyfriends place. whatever. we sorted it out kind of but i was really distant.

so at the end of september we got into another huge argument which was honestly it for me. in early september, my roommates had some people over and let someone sleep in my bed. i am still unsure of what happened or who did it, but when i came back from my boyfriends after that weekend, there was blood on my sheets and brand new white comforter. i asked them if someone was in my bed just because i was so confused and they both lied. i didnt tell them about the blood because i honestly was just afraid to know what happened in my room. i washed my sheets and shit then put two locks on both my doors. i had a backdoor that led onto the porch where mail was delivered. but ya know, if youre gonna leave blood stains on peoples shit, ya cant invite yourself into their room anymore. so the locks were on, i left the next weekend. i got a text sometime saturday from my roommate that was like “if you put locks on the doors you need to give a key to both of us” and i was like nah i dont really want people in my room. basically we went back and forth through text and her argument was that my room cant be locked bc its easy access to the porch for mail or just to hangout (no one hung out on that porch ever btw). but i was just like nah walk around. i got back sunday and locks on my doors were removed. there was damage to the windows and doors from them breaking in. 

keep in mind, i had been very nice to this girl considering all of the dumb shit shes said and done to me so far (some of those things are little details i left out but she was basically an asshole to me). unfortunately, i have a temper and when i get pissed off enough, someone is being told. i was so pissed off that she broke in with our other roommate and did something she had no right or reason to do?? why do you need access to my bedroom so badly?? i didnt really care. i went into her room and was like hey, did you go into my room this weekend? and she looked fake confused and said no. and i was like alright well all of the locks are undone and i can see you were in there so why? and she was like no one was in your room but we are allowed to have access to the porch. and i was like no you were in my room, walk around if you want on the porch you never use. and she was like well i had medicine delivered on the porch- AND basically this is when i stopped listening. i remember this conversation because i actually recorded it and made fun of her later with my friends because she tripped and stuttered on her own lies. the argument ended with me lecturing and belittling her for acting like a little kid. we didnt speak after that for a week and a half and she didnt go into my room as far as i know. 

so a week and a half later, the internet bill in my name was due. neither of my roommates paid me on time. they paid in venmo the day it was due or the day after. it honestly started to piss me off bc i was sick of having to ask for it, pay for it myself, and wait for their money to get into my bank account. i put a note on the fridge that was like “pls pay internet or dont use :)”. this was totally passive aggressive and bitchy but c’mon. it was 16 fucking dollars. just pay it on time. i was in lab for  class when i got a bitchy text from my roommate. i honestly dont remember details but it was something “dont act like i dont pay you, no one is trying to scam you, if you dont trust us then address it bla bla” bitch.. you dont pay me on time.. and i did address the issue of you breaking into my room, and i just wrote a note for you to pay the fucking bill you owe? like just pay the money and shut the fuck up? but ya know, i had enough of that shit. i responded to her and told her to pay the bill or dont use it, dont text me again or contact me anymore, i dont want to talk to you or deal with your immature bullshit. blocked. i blocked her number and on all social media. i was done. and if you remember my temper, i wanted to go home and rip into her dumbass. but i didnt.

so that was it. that was the last time i spoke to this girl that was once my best friend. but, we had a lease that wouldnt end until may so i had to stay there. and trust me, i tried to get out of my lease. but the story doesn’t end there.so the guy we lived with, i kept on ok terms with for awhile. i said hi when i saw him and he would always ask me how i was, what i was doing, etc (this is important). and you know, i would be friendly bc i didnt really care about this dude. he was just there to pay rent. one day he announced in the kitchen he was going on a run. he left, and then i heard a buzzing. he left his phone unlocked on the table with our other roommate’s (my ex bff) chat open. i glanced and noticed my name in the text and my heart stopped. i know i shouldnt have done what im about to tell you. it was a total invasion of privacy and it really hurt me to read.

i read their entire conversation as far back as the texts would go. the whole way back to august when he first moved in. EVERY SINGLE TEXT BETWEEN THE TWO WAS ABOUT ME. i cannot emphasize this enough. every single message between these two people from september to october was bitching about me, making fun of my past, making fun of me eating fucking chick fil a once per week, calling my boyfriend a nigger, calling me names, watching what i do and texting each other about it, breaking into my room more to check if i packed my bag to stay at my boyfriends, going through my shit, so much fucking shit it was so fucking crazy. i went through the texts fast and put the phone back. i honestly dont know if it was left there on purpose or not. i never talked to the guy roommate again. when he said hi i said nothing and eventually he stopped. after i read those messages i felt so many things.

i was so fucking pissed that they were talking about me like that. my ex best friend was telling my personal stories about the online dating, she even wished i killed myself. and this dude i barely knew was just going along with it and joining in. it was seriously fucking sick. it was full on stalker. both of them watched everything i fucking did. they went through my things and checked shit not even i would think mattered. it was insane. i was pissed and i honestly felt so violated and unsafe. i felt so helpless too. i couldnt tell them to stop. they wouldnt. i couldnt call the police. it was so indirect and was just texts on someones phone. i felt so horrible i didnt sleep for 2 days. 

there was no more confrontation. the indirect harassment continued into may. i moved out and thought it was over but it wasnt. we went to a relatively small school and a friend told me about this girl in her summer class and asked me if i knew her. when she told me the name of this girl my heart dropped again and instantly i said WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THIS. and she was just like oh shit.. i could have sworn i heard her say your name to this guy in our class and she was telling him about reporting you to the police. i seriously felt sick. i retraced in my mind quickly for anything she could be going to the police about me for? i literally hadnt talked to the girl or done a thing to her since october, thats the honest truth. and i was just like about what?? i was so eager for this girl to tell me the details it was killing me. basically she told this long story about how the girl has been coming to class every day and talking about her ex roommate. appartently this ex roommate stole her debit card and credit cards and was stealing thousands of dollars from her. on top of that, this ex roommate also sexually harassed her several times. the ex roommate was supposedly me. 

i almost laughed when my friend told me this shit. i felt so much relief because these were just stories my ex friend/roommate were making up for attention. but after a few days of thinking i was like fuck thats kind of psychotic. like thats borderline crazy to be telling people openly that someone sexually harassed you and stole your money when both of those stories are made up... like dude. i did nothing to you but ask for bill money lmao. 

i ran out of time but ill continue this shit later. if u read this fucking novel, congrats 

[skpeacelove]

2 May 2017

So im studying for my first exam all night and suffering from mother natures boxing match inside my uterus. And around 3am i finish that! So i decide to sleep for an hour! The plan was ill get up at 4am, meditate and pray, shower, and start studying for the second exam while eating oatmeal. I WOKE UP AT 6:15 AM!!! WTF!!! i jump outta bed, shower quickly, get dressed, and im praying while doing all this! I dont eat oatmeal even though i made, i just chug starbucks iced coffee and frantically look over my second exam study guide and start memorizing! I briefly look over exam 1 study guide and im good to go! So i leave for my first exam at 7:45am. My exam begins at 8 am. Im out at 8:20 am. It was that easy! I was iffy on one or two questions but overall, easy peazy lemon squeezy! So i get out of the lecture hall and go upstairs in the same building find an empty table and begin studying for exam 2, and i guess under pressure, im remembering it and im getting more anxious but a lil more confident as well. While studying for exam 2, my prof from exam 1 had graded the exam and posted them online, and I passed! YAY!! So i have a general idea of my overall grade and its a solid A, and im so happy about that!! As soon as it 9:45 I pack up and begin to head towards the psych building (im a psych major). The second exam starts around 10:15am. Our prof made us to course evals before the exam. Exams start and most of the questions are on there its just 1 question has like 4 questions combined so I basically studied all of them and answered all the questions, had a lil anxiety but honestly whats the use, im already taking the exam, no point in being scared now, you gotta do what you gotta do. And i think i did decent on the exam! I know she still has to add a few more assignments so im sure that will boost my grade up and protect my A if i do mess up on the final exam. But i hand in my test around 11:10am. And i leave and get mac and cheese. Then i go back to building where exam 1 happened because thats where my third class takes place and i go back to my study table and study for exam 3. While studying my prof form second exam posted some grades and my grade went up, so im in a good spot (i have a solid A, so im good), she said she’ll post final exam grades on thursday and if we wanna take the cumulative final to make up an exam or replace a bad exam score we can discuss that on thursday with her, im did well on all exams, so im hoping not to take the cumulative final. Anyway at 1pm exam 3 begins and i feel iffy about some questions but no time for self doubt and i answer and turn in exam. We have lecture afterwards and discuss the final take home exam due next tuesday, its basically three small essays,  it a lot but at the same time its not. (btw i got an A on my third exam as well) Then I race back to my apartment change outta my sweaty clothes and get into bed, because im pooped!!!!! i call my parents and they bombard my with q’s and i assure them that i feel confident about my exams, i dont’ tell them that i know my grades because they will ask how i know, and want to see my whole grade books and then question every score i don’t have like 4/5 quiz or a exam that was 45/50. Mom says get an A and i tell her I have an A in all classes! and shes like oh not an A+? Really!? I wasn’t passing classes at all previous semester because of my depression and anxiety! can you be happy that hey she has a solid A in all her classes thats a big change from before!! NO! she’s never happy with anything i do!! ugh!! she got my mood down a lilt bit today because I’m proud of myself!! Im getting A’s in college, a few semesters ago that seemed like an impossible reality!! Anyway after talking to them, i pass out and sleep for like 4 hours. And then i got up and had dinner, watch dr. who and im about to pass out again!! Night!!!