#im so tired. beyond mentally and physically at this point. being awake us just hard and being asleep

[arcadequeerz]

Trying to stay happy lately but i am simply just too tired.

[spirit-of-the-void]

Ebony and Ivory (V x Reader Fanfic) Chapter 29

Author’s notes: I’m sorry this is coming out so late, but im combating a shit laptop, shit family, and shit health on this one babes.

Chapter 29

You didn't dream for the entirety of your rest.

As before, you had no conception of time. But this time, you weren’t hovering in and out, instead lingering in a deep sleep state without straying from it. Your body needed the time to heal, to regain what it lost and repair the damage. And it had seemingly gotten its chance. There was no doubt that Nero had kept to his word, safety being found and allowing you to finally begin the process of gaining back your strength. Seconds, minutes, or days could have passed beyond your knowledge, but it scarcely mattered. Oblivion was a welcome thing after all the pain, allowing you to escape from thinking about the poet and the cold, grey eyes of his fully formed counterpart again.

The Void was strangely quiet after how vocal it had been through the few days of travel. The whispers had gone quiet, no longer clattering around your skull and saying things that only added to the pain. That wasn’t to say that the Void was gone, your power was still swirling in your gut as it always did. Now calm, regaining energy again and no longer fighting you. After all, the mission was done, what more did it have to sense? You weren’t sure you could ever accept the power of the Foresight again after all it had done to hurt you. Like it was being controlled directly by the Deity’s hands, like puppet strings.

That was your first thought upon awakening, only this time you gradually pulled yourself out of the pool of sleep bit by bit. You woke up to significantly less bodily pain, the rippling agony now dulled to aching all through your limbs. Like you had spread yourself way too thin, which was the truth. You registered the smells of tobacco and metal, knowing in an instant just where you were. It was punctuated by the rumbling engine, your body jostled slightly whenever Nico had to swerve to avoid something on the road. It then occurred to you that your head was resting on someone’s lap, a hand rhythmically stroking your hair and cheeks.

Warm. You felt secure for once since V left you, like you were being protected. The familiars only added to the sensation, their energies wrapping around your mind in an attempt to cushion the reality of the situation a bit. They were trying so hard to help you, it almost made you want to cry. They could only do so much once the memories and emotions started coming back, your heart aching far more than your body was. V’s face was fresh in your mind, that final kiss you shared replaying over and over like a film. Why would he bother kissing you if it didn’t matter to him? Why do any of the things he did if there wasn’t emotion involved?

But...did those things matter? V was gone, Vergil was here in his place. And there seemed to be no trace of the poet in him at all save for Vergil remembering the nickname V called you. But the love, the affection...that was long since departed.

You kept your eyes closed for the time being, ears registering quiet conversation between everything in the van. It was your only distraction, the only thing keeping you from falling back into the despairing thoughts.

“Go the fuck to sleep,” Nico was hissing, her voice filled with annoyance as a light whap traveled through the van--she had whacked someone, “Kyrie is gonna murder us both once she figures out how many energy drinks your dumb ass has sucked down in the past week…!”

You heard the sound of a can being crushed, tossed to a small trash bin you knew to be tucked behind Nico’s driver seat. There was a recollection of Nero sitting at a dining room table, surrounded by empty cans of red bull and the words “dead weight” written on his forehead. That was the day you woke up from your punishment, getting drunk with the girls and sharing a bed with V, his body curled behind yours and...and…

Stop thinking about him.

The familiars seemed to echo the sentiment, feeling your distress and sorrow and growing restless. You felt bad--your emotions and traumas were now their burden too, which you wished wasn’t the case.

“She won’t figure out if you keep your mouth shut,” Nero huffed in reply, pulling you back into reality once more, “Besides. If you pull an all nighter I pull an all nighter.”

“She isn’t stupid, psycho!” Nico groaned in complete, unbridled annoyance, “All it’s gonna take is one look in the fridge and seeing no more energy drinks to tell her just how many was taken.”

Something about their sibling-like banter made you fight a smile, no matter how small that smile would be. It was...relaxing, to hear things so normal in the face of all the absurdities. You preferred it over the silence, their strange worry over Kyrie being upset about the energy drinks so trivial compared to a god damn demon tree. And Nico was right--Nero had consumed for more drinks that could ever been considered healthy. How he hadn’t collapsed with a heart attack by now was a straight up mystery.

You finally allowed yourself to slowly blink open your eyes, staring up at the ceiling of the van in a sort of daze. The vehicle was dark with night, the occasional street light flitting through the windows and casting dancing patterns on the interior. It was easy to guess that you were on the couch, the leather pressed to the bare areas of your legs a little too warmly in cramped space. But you didn’t mind, it was welcome compared to the thorough cold the Void had left within you. After inhaling a deep, measured breath, you decided that your lungs felt normal enough that you didn’t want to go back to sleep again.

It became apparent who was stroking your hair as soon as you tilted your head back. Lady’s beautiful face was staring down at you, a small gasp leaving her when she saw you now looking right back. She looked a bit tired as well, you had to wonder if she had slept at all since you saw her last. How long had you been out? When had Nero made it to the van?

“Look who’s finally awake,” Lady breathed, smiling softly down at you and putting a hand to your forehead, “How are you feeling, sweetie?”

You blinked your eyes a few times, savoring the warmth of her skin on your own as you tried to form a reply to her question.

“Physically?” You whispered softly, voice holding several layers of sorrow in it as you tried to swallow it back, “Or mentally?”

Lady gave you a knowing look, starting to stroke your hair again with a soothing, gentle touch. She felt closer to a mother than anything you had felt before--even amongst the brief wisps of memory you couldn’t recall your own mother ever doing something like this for you. Lady was staring down at you with soft concern and worry, knowing full well just how awful you would be feeling if she had any indication of what happened in the tree. And if Nero was here...she definitely did.

“Let’s start with physically,” She murmured, multi-colored eyes steadily meeting yours, “You were in bad shape when Nero brought you back. How do you feel now?”

You slowly lifted an arm, feeling a soreness in your muscles as you flexed your fingers. You belatedly realized that the gauntlet you wore before was now gone. Someone must have pulled it off of you. To be completely honest, you were further along now than you thought, that was unless you had slept for over a day. Which was doubtful.

“I…” You mumbled, slowly putting your hand back down again as you replied, “I’ve...been better. But...I’m not as bad as I thought I’d be. The pain is mostly gone, just...sore.”

Lady nodded, helping you slowly sit up and bracing you with a hand to your back. You fought a groan, each muscle in your body aching painfully and straining with just that motion. Okay, maybe you weren’t as well off as you thought.

“Griffon came out at some point and told us you needed something to help boost you,” Lady replied, rubbing slow circles on your back, “Nico had something we could inject you with, it seemed to help a bit.”

That made sense at the very least.

You looked to the side, seeing Trish staring at you from the seat across from the couch right as the other two up front noticed you awake over their bantering. She didn’t look tired like the others, but maybe that was because she wasn’t human.

“Holy shit she’s awake!” Nico gasped from up front, making you glance at her next as her head bounced between looking at you and looking at the road. She looked tired and frazzled, more so than normal, “Howdy sugar! Welcome back to the land of the livin’!”

You managed to muster an exhausted smile for her, noting the relief in her tone as you replied softly, “How...long was I out for…?”

“All night,” Nero replied before the mechanic could, peeking his white-haired head around from the passenger side and holding a new can of sugary caffeine, “We got back around seven and it’s about to hit five in the morning now.”

A whole nights rest...it felt strange to think about it. Even resting with V you slept in short bursts broken by nightmares, not having a truly restful sleep in a long time outside of the forced coma the Void caused. Those times when you’re being erased. Thinking about that was a mistake, one that sent a shiver down your spine and a sickly feeling in your stomach. Had all those things really happened? Meeting and traveling with V, losing him, the Deity forcing you to watch then trying to force you back to the Void? They felt so strange, your God’s actions completely foreign and odd to you after serving him for so many years.

Why? Why had he done such a thing? The Deity had given you the rune to aid in the mission, only to force you to watch V get absorbed back into Vergil and unable to do anything about it. And then there was trying to take you back to the Void itself--why had he waited until you were there with Dante and the others? There was a significant span of time where you had traveled up the Qliphoth alone to get there, perfect opportunity to snatch you back with little to no resistance. With how weak you had been, it would have been a cake walk. But the Deity had instead chosen to wait until you were among allies.

But...why? It didn’t make sense. Just like how everything with V didn’t seem to make sense either.

Lady seemed to sense your growing distress, her arms wrapping around you from behind and her chin resting on your shoulder. The embrace felt warm, startling you a bit out of the downward spiraling thoughts.

“It’ll be okay,” She said softly, giving you a light squeeze in her attempt to soothe you, “Just breathe for now, we’re all here with you.”

You felt your eyes drift downward, threatening to burn with more tears as you gripped the bottom half of your blouse with tight fingers. You could feel everyone in the van staring at you with varying levels of concern, even Trish who wasn’t as close as the others were. It felt both strange and soothing to have so many people now worrying about your well-being.

“Don’t worry, toots,” Griffon’s gruff tone added to the show of support, his consciousness rousing from the corners of your head as he squawked, “Just focus on getting better for now. You feel like you got hit by a fuckin’ truck. Not ideal.”

“...I know.” You whispered, voice holding every terrible thing you were feeling in that moment as you replied to them both at once. You knew that thinking about it wouldn’t help anything in that moment, not with everything so fresh. It was only serving to keep you down, but you didn’t know what else to do.

Focus on the good things you had, right? There was nothing more to be done, everything wasn’t for naught. Nero, Nico, Lady, and Trish were here. They all cared about you, they wanted to help and were trying their best. You had the familiars now, they were a part of you and a constant, driving force keeping you from falling too deep into that pit of despair. Considering how hard things had been, and all the aching agony you had been through...you didn’t come out the other side alone and afraid like before, all those other missions where you had been abandoned. Their support was so warm, a fresh change of pace that made your heart ache in a way that wasn’t painful.

But...it didn’t take away the grief that came from losing the man you loved. That you doubted would ever leave you.

The room fell quiet for a moment while you processed your thoughts, trying to find the will to pull yourself back together. So used to being the one to hold things in, keeping your head held high to support others who needed it. But for once...the one who needed it was you. And the others seemed ready to take up that torch.

“Do you like pancakes?” Nero asked suddenly, breaking the silence and making you blink in surprise.

The question was so normal, so out of place that it derailed your train of thought completely for a second. Pancakes?

“Y...yeah…” You replied with a soft stammer, turning to meet his gaze with a confused one of your own, “I suppose I do.”

That seemed to please him, a smirk quirking up his lips as he took a deep chug from a can of energy drink. You half wondered how many he had consumed in the evening alone, it was worrying for his health. And like before, he was bound to crash at some point.

“Fan-fuckin-tastic,” He said after swallowing, turning his gaze to Nico’s face as he added, “Jack’s opens at what, five thirty? Willin’ to bet it won’t be packed being this close to Redgrave.”

Jack’s? The way this conversation had gone confused you, that was for certain, but it seemed to cheer both Nero and Nico up considerably. Your stomach growled lightly at mention of food despite how uneasy you felt upon waking--You hadn’t eaten since V was with you last, and that time seemed so far away. Not to mention snacking on the occasional granola bar and fruit during the day hadn’t done nearly as much for you as you thought it would.

You also realized his mentioned it being outside of Redgrave, which made you look out the window. Eyes blinking, seeing buildings now that weren’t broken and falling to pieces. How bizarre to finally see some semblance of normalcy after days of being around what equated to be the apocalypse. Why didn’t you realize sooner that the tree’s reach only extended so far? This was out of the city, but judging by the barricades and sealed doors this area had been evacuated on the off chance that the roots came out further.

“We’ve already left Redgrave?” you said softly, eyes watching as streetlight after streetlight passed by, the sky already hinting at the sunrise, “But...Where is Dante and…”

For some reason you couldn’t bring yourself to say Vergil’s name. Nor could you shake the worry that came for his well being. How pathetic, that even after everything he did to you that the sensation of wanting him to be safe wouldn’t leave?

You want to believe that V exists as a part of him, somehow.

It was true. You knew what V had said, the vulnerabilities he had shared and the aching need for affection he had. If that was a part of Vergil, even small...What were you supposed to do? There would never be a chance of the surly male seeking you for anything, even if he shared V’s memories. It was madness. You had to accept that, to finally move past the aching desire to seek out the part of him you had fallen for. Because in reality, it would never be the same--You didn’t fall in love with Vergil, you fell for V. The poet, the one with his lilting voice reading from his book and that determination driving him forward.

V was gone. No part of that man remained.

Right?

“Dante and Vergil stayed behind,” Nero said with an annoyed sigh, turning his gaze away to glare through the windshield. You saw his left hand clenched into a fist, knuckles turning white as he added through gritted teeth, “Goddamn idiots. They went to hell to cut down the tree, and seal the portal it left behind.”

“Thus sealing them in hell.” Trish added, the first she had spoken since you woke up. You met her steady gaze, feeling a bit wary considering that you now knew exactly what type of information she had withheld from you. She knew what V was, knew what was to happen to him. But...you didn’t feel angry with her--What had happened was your own carelessness, not hers.

I don’t blame you.

But right now...that wasn’t what should be focused on. They had both just told you Dante and Vergil would be sealing themselves in hell, thus implying that they would be trapped. Judging by the furious look they both wore, the situation had definitely become more dire. You started feeling numb as the realization sunk in, mind reeling now that it became all too clear that you may never get the chance to see Vergil ever again. So learning anything more about him, finding out the truth you so desperately ached for...it was never going to happen.

There would be no closure. None at all.

“They won’t ever be coming back?” You whispered, voice and expression mimicking the numbness settling inside. You didn’t know what to do, how to feel. This didn’t feel good, it wasn’t a relief to know Vergil would not be back in your life to cause more pain.

It shouldn’t have hurt this badly to know that.

Lady squeezed you softly again, tucking your head against her neck as she replied soothingly, “It’s not a guarantee. We just have to wait for now, and see what Dante does. He’s gotten out of worse scenarios.”

You wanted to believe that, wanted to think there was some way of this problem being resolved. But it was hard to find hope for anything. You closed your eyes, trying to gather your thoughts together and stifle the conflicted emotions rolling through your head. Why did you feel this way? Why wouldn’t you just let go, try to move on and clamp down on all the conflicted feelings? Vergil was not the same man you had fallen for, he wasn’t even close. He didn’t care about you, didn’t love you, couldn’t even spare you more than a passing glance and some hurt.

But...you couldn’t let it go.

“Don’t worry about them,” Nero huffed, trying to change the subject as your grew to look more and more crestfallen. He turned around, offering you a comforting half-smile as added, “We’re gonna stop for some food, then haul our asses to Devil May Cry to drop off Lady and Trish.”

You looked at the woman behind you, feeling a little disappointed as you asked, “You’re leaving?”

She smiled softly at you, looking a little sad too as she pressed her head to the side of yours.

“We have to keep the business up and running with Dante gone,” She replied with a sigh, giving you a firm squeeze and kissing your temple in a cute, over-exaggerated way, “Don’t worry. I’ll be stopping by Fortuna to see you first chance I get.”

Fortuna? You blinked, realizing right away that must be where Kyrie and Nero lived. You didn’t know much about the location other than the Order of the Sword stories the devil hunter had mentioned. An island off the coast, where you would be staying with the others now and helping out with the orphanage. You felt a bit nervous, not used to having a place to go, hoping that Kyrie would at least like you when she met you. Her opinion was so important, you wanted to be useful to all of them to make up for causing so many problems.

Regardless, you tried to bite down on the anxiety and let things come as they were supposed to.

You could tell that the others were trying so hard, doing their very best to keep you distracted from the pain. They took you to a little diner right around where the large buildings of the city started turning into a small town, Jack’s diner. It was a quaint little place, filled with an old fashioned vibe that made you feel oddly relaxed. Just as Nero said, the old man still kept the little restaurant open despite the danger level. There were few to no customers, but that was preferred considering the state your group was in. You all definitely looked like you just got back from fighting demons, not that the owner minded.

Nico and Nero kept the chatter up through the meal, Nico with an arm slung over your shoulder and Nero sitting across from you both with Trish. Lady managed to squeeze into the booth on your other side, seeming content to just watch and listen while everyone conversed. You didn’t really have the energy to keep up with it all, but Nico wasn’t letting you sit by quietly. They told you about the small group of kids at the orphanage, each of their names and personalities so you would be at least somewhat equipped for meeting them. Both seemed to really care about the children, which was very sweet. You watched Nero carefully while they all talked, noticing his level of exhaustion and realizing fairly quickly he was trying to distract himself too.

The past few days had been just as unkind to him.

You entered a strange, dazed state as the day went on, letting the flow take you with it. The pancakes served at Jack’s were delicious to be sure, your body not realizing how hungry it was until you were eating. You ate the whole plate, feeling a bit better once something solid was on your stomach. Normal. Nero was impressed you could knock back a five stack so quickly, and Nico was the encouraging force urging you to chug a second cup of orange juice in a contest with her. It felt juvenile, fun in a way. There was camaraderie in the air and it lightened the weight on your shoulders enough to let you smile a bit.

It was just too bad that you wished V was there sharing in these moments with you.

As much as they distracted you, that heavy sorrow remained weighing you down. Every moment where happiness tried to peek through, it felt hollow without him there. Smirking lightly, watching the group talk and laugh and finding enjoyment in it. Or had he? Was that smile just a front? You couldn’t be sure, and thinking of it only made things worse.

Nero and Trish ended up splitting the bill, the blond haired woman rolling her eyes when Nero tried to refuse her money. She practically shoved it in his face, standing up from the booth and sauntering out to the van again. You exchanged a glance with Lady, who only smiled and shrugged as she pulled you out of the booth as well. You kept some leftover bacon and sausage in a little box to give to Shadow and Griffon later, because lord knew you couldn’t bring two demons out in public.

From there on out...all that was left to drop off the two women before heading to Fortuna.

You noticed upon traveling further away from the city, seeing normal society made you feel a bit odd. People walked along the sidewalks, on their way to early morning destinations. Their lives seemed so normal in comparison, human and peaceful. You couldn’t remember a time before the Void, before selling your soul. Finding that sense of normalcy seemed so impossible.

But...you tried.

Griffon and Shadow came out once the van set off again, Trish eyeing the mighty panther with wary eyes until it leapt up on the couch with your, draping themself across your lap like an overgrown cat. Lady was sitting next to you, so she took a few tentative pats at Shadow’s fur. They were on their best behavior, seeming to like the attention.

“Can’t believe everyone is gettin’ in on this now,” Griffon huffed from his perch on the back of the couch, his strange beak snapping by your ear in that familiar manner, “You’re gonna make the big killin’ machine soft at this rate.”

You let out a little  hum, handing him some food that he eagerly snatched and gobbled down.

“They’re having fun,” Your tone was soft, adoration in your eyes as you met Shadow’s slow, blinking gaze, “And that’s what matters.”

Nero yawned from the front seat, his feet kicked up on the dashboard and chair partway reclined. You could tell the energy drinks were wearing off, that much was pretty certain as he grumbled, “The kids are gonna love the cat, that’s for sure. Maybe I should warn Kyrie beforehand?”

Nico snickered, still somehow wide awake despite not sleeping at all along her drive, “Nah, let it be a surprise. That along with your new baby arm.” Her brows waggled with her words, mischievous eyes darting back to the arm in question. That was another thing explained to you, how accessing his new Devil Trigger form healed back a bright, shiny new limb. You learned not to ask questions in regards to things like that.

“Maybe I could soften it?” Nero continued to mumble, words sounding very tired indeed, “Tell her I’m bringing home pets?”

“I’m down. I’ll back you up, psycho.”

All you could muster was a single shake of your head at their antics, feeling a bit bad for Kyrie in regards to all of this. You hoped to god you weren’t imposing or causing them trouble, the very idea made your energy swirl nervously in your gut.

Griffon sensed it, nosing the side of your face again and saying gruffly in your ear, “Shut off your brain for a few hours at least, toots. You bein’ all sad makes my feathers ache.”

You jolted, immediately trying to swallow down those thoughts as guilt bit at you next. You kept forgetting Griffon and the other familiars were a part of you now, such things affected them.

“S...sorry…” You whispered in reply, focusing as hard as you could to not think about all the bad things.

Griffon let out a soft squawk of realization once it occurred to him that saying such a thing did not help at all.

“Fuck, that’s not what I meant,” He sighed, sounding a bit awkward as he shuffled closer, laying his head on your shoulder, “Just...tryin’ to help you not focus on all that garbage left over. Shit will improve, we all know that, right? Right.”

You smiled at his brisk, hurried way of speaking. Like he was trying to will you into feeling better with energy alone. It wasn’t nearly that easy, but his effort did make you feel a bit better in a strange way. Shadow was also trying their best, purring loudly and reaching a paw up to pat your face with it. Being this close to the familiars with no barriers now was so relaxing, putting your aching heart slightly more to ease. It was just...hard, though, considering who they were connected to before.

You miss him. And no matter what you do, that will not fade.

The only reason you hadn’t collapsed back into sorrow and despair again was the group surrounding you with support. You didn’t want to burden them with your pain, crying around them would only serve to make everyone just as sad as you were. So you managed to bite it back, holding it in until you started to feel numb from it. Doing so surely wasn’t healthy for your mind, but...there seemed to be no other choice. You refused to burden them when they were trying this hard, ready to keep the tears and pain at bay for days until needed. But even then...did you even have the right to cry?

It was you who caused this.  You and no one else.

“Toots...” Griffon began in a warning tone, seeing where your thoughts were going and not liking them at all. But he didn’t get the chance to continue.

“We’re here.” Nico announced, the van coming to a skidding halt and drawing you out of your dull way of thinking. You didn’t realize how much time had passed while you were drifting in and out of thought--or maybe the mechanic was just driving fast. The latter seemed heavily likely.

You looked out the window to see a tall, brick-laden building. Above the doors was a sign just like the one on the van, only larger and glowing with red instead of that neon blue. This had to be the main Devil May Cry building, there was certainly no mistaking that. It still felt so strange to think a man like Dante actually ran a business--he was a certified mess of a man at best.

You blinked, turning to look at Lady and Trish as they both stood, Lady yawning lightly and stretching up her arms. The dark-haired devil hunter looked tired, you felt awful that she had stayed up all night to wait for you to wake up. But...there was also a part of you that desperately didn’t want her to leave, her support being such a needed thing that you almost started to cry there and then.

But you held it back.

I can’t keep being selfish.

“Thanks for the ride, Nico,” Trish said to the mechanic up front, looking between her and Nero, “I’ll call you if Dante shows up any time soon. If you need us we’re going to be here.”

Nero gave her a small salute with his fingers, seeming pretty tired as he replied, “Sure thing. Thanks for helpin’ out, it was a blast.” There was definitely sarcasm lacing his tone there at the end.

Trish scoffed, rolling her eyes and turning to the van door. You saw her pause, standing by Lady and watching you both as the woman pulled you into a firm hug. The motherly embrace Lady brought with her was definitely making it hard for you not to cry, that was for certain. You clung to her for a moment, pressing your face to her shoulder and letting out a slow breath. She had done a lot to help you mentally through the past few days, you wish that you could spend more time with her. But there was work to be done, and a mess to clean up after what Vergil did. You knew your place.

“I promise I’ll visit you in Fortuna soon,” Lady said firmly, squeezing you tightly to her almost to the point of it being too much. She skewered Griffon and Shadow with a glare, tone firm as she told them, “Keep her safe or you answer to me.”

Griffon let out a snort, shaking out his feathers as he replied in a standoffish tone, “You don’t have to tell us that…!”

Lady huffed, leaning back from you and pressing a soft kiss to your forehead. You closed your eyes, managing to muster a smile for her before she had to leave. You wanted her to think you would be okay, wanted to be as strong as she thought you were. And all you could do was try.

“Everything will be okay,” She said softly, meeting your sad eyes with steady ones of her own. You took a moment to take in just how pretty her different colored irises looked, one red and one green, “I know you can make it through what happened...there is still happiness for you to find beyond what happened with V.”

Hearing her say the poet’s name made you flinch, like the reality of it had hit you in the face. She knew exactly what you had been feeling, that uncertainty and pain a lot more obvious than you anticipated. Or maybe...Lady was just good at reading others. You lowered your gaze, smiling sadly as you tried to push back another wave of that stubborn, heavy emotion that threatened to drown you again. You were grateful to have a person like Lady in your life, she was a big part of the force holding the broken pieces of you together.

“I know,” You replied softly, feeling several sets of eyes watching you but not finding the will to care. You mustered up another fake, brighter smile, looking back up at Lady and adding, “I’ll see you when you come visit. Thank you for all you’ve done for me, Lady.”

The older woman smiled, cupping your cheeks once before releasing you entirely. She turned, exchanging a brief look with Trish before pushing open the van door. Seeing her go was...incredibly hard, but necessary. You couldn’t rely on others forever, that was for certain. Trish paused for another moment, looking at you again with her sharp eyes and meeting your gaze. What was she thinking about while making a face like that, dancing on the border of concern and exasperation? Of all the people in the van, she was by far the hardest to get a read on. There was definitely an emotion there, but one you could not identify.

When she opened her mouth, you were pretty surprised when what came out was an apology.

“...Forgive me for not telling you the information I knew,” She said hesitantly, making you realize that flicker of emotion was probably guilt, “When Lady comes by for a visit I’ll join her--I owe you one.”

You blinked, unsure of what to say in response to her statement. In your opinion, there wasn’t a thing she owed you. It wasn’t like she had been your friend when V told her those things, nor were you entitled to her knowledge. These were things you could have discovered on your own, but you didn’t even try. And for that...you took that blame on yourself. Never on her, that was not her burden to bear.

“...It’s not your fault,” You offered her a small, sad smile, shaking your head lightly as you replied, “You don’t owe me anything. But still come by and visit, I would like to know more about you.”

That made the woman look visibly surprised, her eyes flickering back to your face to read your expression. You saw her frown, click her tongue and shake her head lightly, like your words were somehow exasperating.

“You’re too nice for your own good,” She said in a low tone, her eyes sharp as she turned away to follow Lady out of the van, “Take care, Y/N.”

The door shut behind her before you could think of a reply, the sound loud in the small space. You stood there for a moment, watching through the van’s window as the women spared a few glances back at the mobile home, Lady giving a small wave. Your mind ached with the desire to call out to them both, begging them to stay when you so desperately needed them. But...that wasn’t your place to ask.

They then pushed open the doors of Devil May Cry, walking inside and letting them swing shut behind them. Your smile eventually dropped after they were no longer in sight, body slumping onto the couch again with a light sigh. To say you were disparaged was an understatement, mood dropping considerably now that you were without the older woman keeping you steady.

Shadow could sense it, scooting closer to you and pressing her soft toe beans to your bare thigh. It made you look up, realizing that Nico and Nero were both looking back at you with varying levels of concern.

“You holdin’ up okay?” Nero asked, brow furrowed and lips pursed lightly.

You paused, trying to gather yourself a little bit as you picked up one of Shadow’s paws, pressing its soft texture to your face. No longer alone, you reminded yourself. Even with Lady no longer there for the time being, there were more than enough people here with you offering what they could to make you feel better.

And that...was enough.

“I’m...okay,” You replied after a moment, your voice sounding steadier than you thought it would, “Not the best, but...I’ll be okay.”

You must. There is no other choice.

That made Nico smirk, seeming satisfied with your answer and the look you wore on your face. She turned back to the wheel, stretching her arms above her head until the joints popped.

“Alright!” She hollered, her energy seeming in such a stark contrast to how beat Nero looked, “Let’s head home! If we’re lucky we can catch the last ferry before five o’clock!”

Nero winced at her overly loud voice, waving his left hand at her as he complained, “Jeez, tone it down. At this rate, I’ll never be able to sneak in a nap before we see Kyrie.”

You tuned out the argument before it could start, letting out a quiet sigh and flopping down on the couch again. Exhaustion was making a guest appearance again, tap dancing on stage with grief and regret. Shadow settled along your form, resting their mighty head on your chest and opening their jaws in a huge yawn. You got an eyeful of sharp teeth, but paid little mind to it as you put your gaze to the ceiling.

The van was beginning to move once more, Nico putting the pedal to the metal in an attempt to reach the ferry before it set off in the afternoon. You felt a little...anxious about going to Fortuna. There were so many people there that would be met, most of them children. If the kids didn’t like you, would you be able to stay?

It felt like such a silly thing to be worried about.

Griffon settled on the top of the couch, listening to your racing thoughts as the hours ticked by in the drive. Nico started chatting with you once Nero finally crashed from all the caffeine, but the conversation ranged between asking about your powers to the kind of things you liked. You couldn’t remember the last time someone asked your favorite color or animal, but Nico asked it. She carefully kept away from asking about your Deity, or V for that matter. Probably not wanting to dredge up bad emotions when you were already in a struggle to stay stable. Meanwhile, you decided your favorite animal was a cat, a response that made Griffon snort in mock annoyance. And you learned Nico was partial to dogs.

The other part of your time was spent looking out the windows while Nico’s jukebox played, watching the beautiful landscape and changing scenery. The further you got from Redgrave, the more normal and lively things seemed to become. Rivers were passed over, more buildings and homes lining normal streets and shops peppered in between. The sun moved across the sky as the day went on, changing the world’s colors and casting beautiful, elaborate patterns all over. You tried to focus on those things over anything else, taking up repetitive tasks to distract your mind. Counting street-lamps, playing I spy with Griffon and Nico.

It had already started reaching into the afternoon when Nero woke back up, jolting when Nico hit a particularly large pothole in the road. Had she hit that on purpose? Probably. And judging by her little smirk? Definitely. Nero scowled, looking around with a red mark on one cheek from leaning his hand on it. That was around the time that you started counting the teeth in Shadow’s mouth, ignoring Griffon’s taunts and jibes about your inane, silly tasks. Nero was definitely not feeling too hot after sleeping off all that caffeine, that was for sure. He looked closer to having a hangover than anything else.

Regardless.

That was the point that you sat up, noticing the taste of salt water in the air coming from Nico’s window. You turned, sucking in a breath at the sight of the ocean peeking over the horizon. It was certainly beautiful, glinting with the light of the sun getting lower and lower in the sky. It shimmered in an ethereal way, like it was covered in diamonds. You were certain you had seen an ocean at least once in your travels, but...somehow this was far more lovely than ones you had seen before. Your gaze would not move from it even as it drew closer, showing beaches dotted with human beings lounging and relaxing. It all looked so peaceful, quiet.

Nico eventually pulled into what looked to be a long dock, the elusive ferry waiting at the end and calling for the last to board. It all felt so whimsical, like the things you would see in movies--seagulls peppered the docks, soaring over all the boats in port swaying on the waves. Nico honked her horn, alerting an older-looking man who was about to close the gate in front of the waiting ship. He seemed to recognize the mechanic in an instant, shaking his head but waving a hand to allow them through. Thank goodness for that at the very least--you weren’t sure if you could handle being in the van again overnight.

Nico pulled onto the ramp leading onto the ferry, parking her van next to what appeared to be one other car--there weren’t a lot of people heading to Fortuna, it would seem. It made sense, Nico explained earlier that up until recent years the secluded city had been closed to the public, only opening their doors after rebuilding from the Order of the Sword disaster. Nero and a few others were working to get the city more open to outside visitors, to changing and accepting new technology and advancements. It was a slow process, but it was sure to increase the city’s economy bit by bit.

It was another hour from then on out. The three of you left the van while the ferry took you over the ocean, swaying and rocking on the waves. It was in these moments you tried to find your peace a bit more, staring out at the water as the salty breeze sent your hair swaying. The ocean reminded you of the Deity, there in his Void with the lonely whales. You wondered what he could possibly be thinking after all that had happened, if he knew how much his actions had affected you. All while this happened Nico kept up her conversations, leaning close to you and leaning back on the railing. You appreciate her effort, she was most certainly keeping your brain from bouncing back to the terrible thoughts.

“You’re gonna love the City,” She told you, pulling out a cigarette to light it and puffing smoke in the breeze away from you. Careful not to let you inhale it as well, “The people have sticks up their asses, but it ain’t like it’s their fault. It’s gettin’ better.”

Nero grunted at her words, leaning on the railing on your other side and squinting at the rolling waves in the distance, “They’re gonna be wary when some crazy woman comes bangin’ on their doors askin’ about the Order like you did.”

“Worked with y’all, didn’t it?” Nico sounded smug.

That earned her a scoff, the boy narrowing his eyes on her as he turned his head, “Yeah, just ‘cause Kyrie is nice.”

You smiled softly again, leaning back so Nico could shove Nero’s shoulder lightly. They really did act like siblings, which was nice in your opinion. It was obvious they cared underneath all the silly arguments.

“I’m eager to meet Kyrie,” You told Nero, a hint of nervousness in your tone now as you admitted, “You guys have talked her up so much, I hope I make a good first impression.”

Nico snorted, waving your concerns away and placing her free hand on your shoulder, “Don’t worry your pretty little head,” She said lightly, smirking as she took another long drag from her cigarette, “Kyrie is a doll and she likes everyone. Must be how a delinquent like Nero managed to snag her.”

Part of you expected Nero to protest that, since it came out in such a teasing tone. But he merely shrugged, shaking his head as he replied in a soft tone, “Ya got me there.”

There was an underlying hint of adoration in his voice, his expression always going soft at mention of his lady love. It was cute, and you definitely wanted to know what lead to them being together--but you could see the good in Nero behind all the bold and brash attitude he had. There was kindness, passion, the need to protect the people he cared about and a drive to work hard. Nero was a good kid, so he deserved the best. And it seemed like Kyrie was that and then some.

But...it still didn’t stop you from feeling nervous, even as the City appeared in the distance. Fortuna certainly was beautiful, the architecture looking old and elegant, with sweeping towers and stone lined walls. You stared in awe at it all, leaning over the railing and watching the waves crash up on the coast. It looked like the craggly rocks turned into a beach on the one side, sweeping around and disappearing as the island extended outwards. You couldn’t remember the last time you had sank your toes into some sand, or sunbathed.

“Wow…” You breathed, voice carried on the wind as it rushed past.

Nico chuckled, patting you on the shoulder and tugging you back toward the van, “Told ya! Come on now, let’s get ready to head out.”

It took a few minutes for the ferry to dock itself in Fortuna, giving you a chance to peek at a cobblestone path leading through to a town square. You were distracted in that moment by the sight of merchants, a market just starting to shut down after a day of selling and trading. People walked the street in hoods and cloaks, looking like they were playing a part in a fairy tale. Not that there wasn’t the occasion, normally dressed person dotted in between. It was all very...strange. You continued to stare even as the van started moving, peeling off from the boat and starting down the street. Everyone seemed used to the vehicle by now, bowing their heads and politely moving past as Nico drove along.

That nervousness came back, mingling with the sadness also starting to creep its way in. This seemed like the kind of place V would enjoy, there was no doubt. Poetry was a good word to describe everything, this secluded city of beauty and culture recovering from years of manipulation from a religious group. You could almost imagine the poet there next to you, reading from his book a line to describe the scenery in his warm, honeyed voice.

Your hand slid up to your blouse, squeezing the fabric between your fingers. You needed to stop thinking about him, you needed to stop this cycle before it got worse. But how difficult a task, when your eyes saw him in everything?

This hurts.

But you bit your tongue as you leaned on the couch, watching the buildings roll by and trying to keep yourself distracted. It was hard, too hard. Your journey was seemingly coming to an end, and it was stirring up the emotions that kept worming their way back into your subconscious. Heartbreak was a strange, fickle thing. Still fresh and new in such a capacity. You had never lost a love before, not in any memories you had or seemingly in the remaining traces. To experience romance in a week, to fall so hard your legs crumpled beneath you and to go through losing that love just as quick...why wasn’t the ache leaving you? Was this normal? Logic said that this suffering was strange for how long you knew V, but…

It felt like it was right. All of him had, even until the end.

It was on that thought that Nico finally turned a corner, hugging a road on the coast that lead to a back street lined with more buildings and no markets. You blinked, seeing a sign above a doorway that said “Fortuna Orphanage.” Simplistic, but you doubted an island of this size had many kids without homes. Despite the small size, there looked to be another side building connected to the orphanage, this one shaped differently and more resembling a house. There were wide, open windows with flower boxes on the sills growing herbs and various other plants. It was the garage door on that side that Nico went for, honking her horn loudly as the metal cranked open to let the vehicle inside.

Nervous. You felt nervous.

Nero let out a relieved sigh, dragging himself out of the passenger seat as the van’s engine cut off. You exchanged a glance with him, the boy not missing the worry at all as you hesitated on the couch. This was definitely a bit overwhelming after everything that had happened, your brain scrambling to remember how to introduce yourself to people, how to act around children, how to...exist. You summoned the familiars back before they could comment on the thought process, feeling Griffon’s annoyance and feeling bad. But there was not much else you could do.

You didn’t want to make matters worse.

“C’mon kid,” Nero said encouragingly, patting your shoulder before Nico took one of your hands and dragged you up, “No need to look so scared. Told ya everything was gonna be fine, didn’t I?”

You hesitated, but nodded in response. Nico grinned at you, seemed excited as she threaded her fingers with yours and tugged you after the boy. You realized this was the first time someone other than V had held your hand, and it felt...different. Still loving, still kind, but with no romance compared to the elegant fingers of the poet. It was a comfort, one that you needed as you hopped onto the garage floor, eyeing your surroundings and trying to calm your racing heart.

You noticed Nero quickly pulling down his sleeve to hide his new arm and carefully keeping his fingers hidden. You smiled, he looked pretty eager himself all things considered. Like he was about to give his wife a present.

Nero had no sooner opened the garage door into what looked to be a kitchen when the sound of scurrying little feet came barreling from the other door in the room. Like children running down the stairs. You blinked, then a second later the door burst open, revealing four kids as they ran into the kitchen and leapt onto Nero before he could react. Squeals and screams of delight echoed through the space, making you fight a smile as the white-haired boy pretended to stumble under the weight of them all and fall to the floor.

“Nero is home!”

“Hi Nero!”

“Welcome back!”

One of the kids was still very young, thumb in his mouth as he hung onto Nero’s coat with his other hand. There was three boys and one girl, ranging in ages between three to ten. They seemed so preoccupied with Nero, they didn’t see you standing in the doorway with Nico at all. All in all, they were all very cute, your lips smiling despite how nervous you felt as you saw the devil hunter grin, wrangling one kid under each arm and having another hang onto his leg like he was  a jungle gym. You could tell right away how much he cared about them, and how much they adored him in turn. Like a happy little family.

So engrossed in the display of affection, you didn’t notice the beautiful, auburn haired woman standing in the doorway. It wasn’t until she spoke, her voice soft and relieved as she too took in her fiance greeting all the kids.

“Welcome home.” She said with a loving smile, her eyes staring at adoration when you and the other two turned to look at her. Whatever you were expecting, you weren’t sure if it was close. Kyrie was a gorgeous woman, in a way that was so unbelievably soft and delicate looking. Her eyes were so kind, her smile very warm. You felt your heart speed up for a second, feeling even more nervous now that you were seeing her in person--she looked like an angel, and you would hate to not have her approval. But...you doubted this woman had a mean bone in her body.

Nero immediately perked up, that dopey grin lifting his lips as he stepped toward her, towing each child with him as he leaned in for a kiss. Each kid let out varying sounds of disgust, giggling at Nero as he rolled his eyes.

“Hey babe,” He told Kyrie, taking her hand with his left one and giving it a squeeze, “Sorry it took us so long, things got uhhh...crazy.”

Kyrie smiled in understanding, seeming delighted just to have him home as she said, “That’s okay, the kids kept me busy,” She looked down at the little boy clinging to Nero’s leg, the one with his thumb in his mouth, “Carlo helped me plant mint in some flower pots, didn’t you?”

The little boy nodded, perking up at her words like mint leaves were somehow the most exciting things every. Each of the kids was chatting excitedly, trying to get Nero’s attention with various stories they had amassed in his absence.

“Settle down,” He told them all ,setting the two he was holding on the ground with a smirk, “You’ll have all day tomorrow to catch me up. Didn’t I teach you guys to introduce yourselves when we have someone new in the house?”

All the kids looked confused until Nero pointed at the doorway where you were standing with Nico, drawing all four sets of little eyes on you instead. You blinked, smiling in a friendly manner and trying to calm the little ball of anxiety in your stomach. After all, Kyrie was now looking at you too. There was a look of almost...excitement in her eyes as she examined your face, seeming just as eager to see you as the kids did when they scrambled over to your legs. You were new, and new things excited children it would seem.

“Who are you?” Asked one of the older children, a little boy with darker skin but pretty, green eyes. All of them were starring at you with varying levels of awe and interest, making you feel a bit nervous as you struggling to tame the lump in your throat.

“I...I’m Y/N,” You introduced yourself, crouching down so you were at eye level with the boy who asked. You smiled, holding out a hand to shake as you asked, “And you are?”

He immediately stuck out his arm, grasping your fingers and giving it a little wiggle as he replied, “My name is Julio! This is Kyle, Carlo, and Emma.”

The other boy, Kyle, let out a huff and tugged on Julio’s shirt, “I can say my own name…!”

Nico and Nero had mentioned all their names before, but it was still polite to ask. You smiled ruefully when Julio stuck out his tongue, feeling the little girl place a hand on your arm and patting lightly to get your attention. She looked like she was six or seven years old, her brown hair pulled into tiny pigtails and her eyes round with curiosity.

“Hi, Y/N.” She said with a small wave, bouncing on her feet a bit.

Well, you were overwhelmed but incredibly smitten.

Each child kept trying to introduce themselves now, leaving you to stand there and take it all in with patience. Nico chuckled, reaching down to scoop up Carlo and put the boy over her shoulder--she could sense you losing control of the situation, and came to your rescue easily. For that, you were heavily grateful.

“C’mon now, brats!” She exclaimed loudly, snatching Kyle and starting for another doorway toward a set of stairs, “None of y’all have brushed your teeth, your smelly breath is stinkin’ up the air.”

Each kid let out whines of complaint, Kyle wiggling in the mechanics grasp as she carted them upstairs. You heard Nico argue with them, claiming that they had tomorrow to learn about the “new lady” and talk to her. New lady being you. The instant they were out of sight you felt the tension leave your body heart pounding slower and slower now that you no longer had them all crowding you. They were precious, they really were, but after the past few days trying to keep up with their energy was impossible. When was the last time you interacted with a child? You couldn’t ever remember a time, not in the last few missions at all.

But that still left Kyrie.

She approached you when the kids were gone, taking your hands between hers to squeeze them as she apologized, “Please forgive them, we don’t see many new faces around here,” Her eyes were so soft when you looked into their brown depths, her lips tilted in a welcoming smile, “It’s wonderful to finally meet you, Y/N. I’ve heard many good things about you.”

Wow, Kyrie radiated the energy of a mom or a big sister. Even more than Lady did, if that was all possible. You felt like you were staring into something bright enough to be the sun.

“You must be Kyrie,” You said, tilting your head and smiling as well while you added, “It’s...it’s wonderful to meet you too. Nero talked about you quite a bit.”

The boy had the decency to look embarrassed, ducking his head and cheeks a little red while he leaned on a nearby wall. Careful not to let his bare hand show, of course. Kyrie looked back at him, easily catching his awkward look and letting out a cute giggle.

“That makes me happy,” She said, turning back to you with a grin, “Let me show you which room is yours--the kids have an area on one side of the house, and we have a few rooms on this side.”

You nodded, letting her take you by the hand just as Nico had and tug you towards an opposing set of stairs. Nero exchanged a glance with you as she did so, giving you an encouraging smile and wiggling his right set of fingers in a meaningful wave. He still had his little surprise waiting for his wife, which you were certain he was going to show her once they had some alone time. You would try not to keep her busy for too long, the lovers deserved to have their reunion at the very least.

After climbing the stairs she lead you down a hallway, giving you time to see paintings and pictures lining the walls between rooms. You saw unfamiliar people and children among a few pictures of Nero and Kyrie. You guessed some of these were of the kind woman’s parents, others of the children who used to stay at the orphanage. There was even one of a little, grumpy boy with white hair--there was no mistaking who that was.

Regardless, you followed Kyrie to a door at the end of the hall. It opened to reveal another small set of stairs, leading to a loft-style room that had to be yours.

You blinked, taking in the quaint little space with curious eyes and feeling your breath catch. There were huge, open windows facing the ocean behind the house, curtains drifting on the wind over your bed. The room wasn’t large, but you preferred it this way. The ceiling was slanted on the opposing side to the window, over a cubby with a desk. There looked to be a dresser as well in front of the railing to the stairs, and a small closet door. It was cute, and it was much more than you would have ever asked from anyone. To be able to taste the ocean air in the morning, woken up by the sun…

The only hurt was knowing V wouldn’t be there to experience it with you.

Stop that.

“I put some clothing in the dresser for you,” Kyrie’s voice drew you out of your thoughts, making you look at her as she pulled open a drawer, “It’s not much, but I can make more once I get some more supplies from the city square.”

You blinked, tone awed as you asked, “You...make clothes?”

She nodded, seeming proud of herself as she gave a little twirl in her dress--a flowing thing that reached her knees, patterned with sunflowers and wearing a jean jacket on top, “I do. It’s cheaper this way, easier to get fabrics and thread from people in Fortuna with how slow things have been.”

That was understandable, but still impressive. You wondered if she made the kids clothes too, but assumed the answer was yes considering how Kyrie was as a person.

“Thank you for your kindness,” You said softly, touching the few shirts in the first drawer with your fingertips. You felt the woman look back at you on her way to show you the closet, but you kept your eyes on the dresser, “I’ll do my best not to be a burden on you and Nero, and to make up for staying here. Whatever you need I can do.”

You would cook, clean, and help Nero fight demons if needed. You knew what your Void powers could do, knew that they could serve many uses other than fighting if you so chose it. Kyrie and Nero didn’t have to take you in, but...they did, and for that nothing would ever be enough to repay them for it. Kyrie smiled in understanding, looking a bit sad in your peripheral vision but you couldn’t understand why. Surely she would want help? Working an orphanage was hard work, and you doubted she was paid much for it if at all.

“Help is always needed,” She said softly, taking a step closer and putting a hand on your shoulder, “But take the time to recover first. You’ve been through a lot, haven’t you?”

That made your heart skip a beat, that flowering pain opening its petals and digging in thorns. There was no doubt that Nero had talked to her about what happened with V, and maybe more judging by that knowing look in her eyes. You looked at her, fingers trembling where they touched the soft fabric and trying to gather yourself again. But Kyrie didn’t wait for a reply, only offering a cheerful smile and moving for the stairs once more.

“There’s a shower downstairs on the right,” She told you, patting a towel hanging on the railing, “Why don’t you get cleaned up and meet me on the beach later so we can talk?”

You nodded, feeling a bit dazed as you watched her descend down the stairs with her auburn hair swaying back and forth. The last time you had showered, in was in the van after your punishment. And that alone was a hard memory to swallow, even as you obeyed her. Your feet carried you to the bathroom without thinking, fingers numb as you closed the door and started to remove your clothes. If you weren’t struggling so hard to keep your emotions at bay, you might have noticed how cute the bathroom was. Blue tiles and things revolving around the ocean hanging on the walls. But...your mind was elsewhere.

This was the first time you saw yourself in the mirror since the incident.

Your eyes stared tiredly back, hair shoved over one shoulder and those new tattoos covering your collar bones down to your arms. Pale, you looked pale. Not like yourself, even though you had issues with that before now. It was eerie, seeing V’s markings on your own flawed skin, the sensation making you feel even more numb than before. But that was definitely your hand that raised in the mirror, touching your cheek and wiping at a dried drop of whale oil on your lashes. You were a mess, it was shocking that the children approached you looking so run down.

But you didn’t linger, turning to step into the porcelain tub and turn on the water. For whatever reason, you thought the instant you were under the warm spray the tears would finally come, that you would break down and finally sob all the pain out. But...you didn’t. You mechanically washed your hair, scrubbed your body, removed all traces of the Qliphoth tree in its entirety. And even then, the tears wouldn’t come. Which phase of the grief was this, the aching numbness filling your limbs? It spread as you shut off the water, not staying too long in the warmth and drying yourself off. Being clean didn’t make you feel better, but it also didn’t make you worse.

It was all instinct, drying your hair, putting on what felt to be a fresh, blue shirt and new shorts. They were comfortable, made more for relaxation than fighting. And even then...you felt unchanged as you padded up to your room, depositing your clothes in a hamper before making your way back down. Griffon, Shadow, and Nightmare were anxious on the edges of your mind, taking in your mood and the new area but too nervous to come out yet. All in all, you spent maybe thirty or forty minutes getting freshened up.

When you got downstairs, things had quieted considerably. It was around eight o’clock now, the sun already almost gone behind the clouded horizon line. You looked around, taking in what looked to be a living room and parlor off from the kitchen, then a room that lead to what appeared to be the main part of the orphanage. You didn’t want to look around too much yet, so you headed to what looked to be a back door, stepping outside barefoot. Kyrie and Nero lived in a beautiful home--there was a garden out back, growing fruits and vegetables with an archway lined with vines. You followed a little stone path leaded to a small set of stairs, ones that lead out onto golden sands.

There was a strange feeling there, your toes sinking into the sand that was cooling now that the sun was down. To live so close to a beach, it just beyond their back door was...nice. And there on the beach Kyrie waited, sitting on a blanket with Nico and sipping what looked to be tea sitting on a small table with a lit lantern illuminating them in the dim light. Both looked up at the sound of you approaching, Nico now in what looked to be an oversized t-shirt and booty shorts now that she wasn’t working in her van.

“Where’s Nero?” You asked quietly, sitting down next to Kyrie on the blanket and crossing your legs. For that matter, the kids were absent too. You were unsure how late that they were allowed to stay up.

Nico snorted, her long hair now pulled into a loose ponytail as she replied, “He’s putting the little kiddies to bed. They were eager to have him back,” She waggled her brows, staring at Kyrie in amusement as she added, “You missed out on Nero showing Kyrie his new arm, Y/N.”

You looked at the woman in question, catching her smiling widely and proudly at mention of Nero. It was easy to see that she was overjoyed about the surprise, her eyes shining with delight as she nodded vigorously.

“I’m so happy for him,” She said in a relieved tone, clasping her hands in front of her chest like she was praying, “It was so hard for him when he lost the Devil arm, I’m glad there’s at least one grief off his shoulders.”

Christ, Kyrie really was a sweetheart, wasn’t she? It made you smile, even if the motion felt a little stiff with your mood. You accepted a cup of tea when it was offered to you by Nico, holding the cup between your fingers and staring at the liquid with tired eyes. If anyone deserved to be happy, it was definitely Nero and Kyrie. Your sorrow didn’t subtract from that in the slightest bit. You tried to keep that thought in your head, knowing that sinking into anything less would be childish. Jealousy had never been in your nature, and you weren’t about to start now.

“He was really excited to show you,” Your mouth moved finally, words soft but still heard over the sound of waves, “He went through a lot, so he deserves to get something good from it.”

Kyrie placed a hand on your arm, making you look up at her gentle, brown eyes. For a moment it felt like she was looking right into your soul, a sensation that made you feel a bit too vulnerable for your liking.

“So did you,” She said softly, not looking away from your startled gaze as she continued, “Nero told me what happened with V, and Vergil. And the Deity too--you went through something just as terrible.”

Hearing all their names made you flinch, looking away and holding the cup a little bit tighter. She was only confirming what you already knew, but the reality was punching you in the gut over and over. Walls of numbness were surrounding those emotions now, but they were new. Made of fragile glass, threatening to break just at hearing V’s name. You didn’t want to shatter, not now. Not anymore. It was your burden to bear, this pain that you were burying deep inside with all the rest of the memories that hurt you. It was all you could do to cope, to smile.

But it just made you a glass container ready to crack.

“It’s okay,” You said mechanically, the words feeling fake even to you as you kept your eyes on the ocean, “I’ll be fine with time.”

You felt the Void rising up, whispering those words through your lips that had become so familiar.

“This pain is a reminder that I am alive,” You said softly, but they felt weighted now. Tired, not like before. In the beginning these words felt right, they had meaning and they drove you. You took pain as a blessing, for if you felt pain it meant that you weren’t dead like before. Every bit of it was a gift, one that you shouldn’t take for granted. But...now it felt like weights, “I’ll bear it, because I...I’m lucky to even be here right now.”

You should be grateful. To have power, to have life breathed into your suffering soul and lungs.

You could feel Kyrie and Nico staring at you, but you didn’t dare look back at their faces. You knew that they couldn’t understand, they who had never died or been to a place like the Void. The cold, the dark, the howling of so many tortured voices...it left its mark on you, one that would never leave. The Deity’s hands had been guiding you since that first moment of awakening, but they felt more like shackles now, holding you down as a knife was plunged into your chest. And worse...you felt like you deserved it.

“....You know,” Kyrie finally said, her voice gentle and warm compared to the turmoil being tampered down inside you, “I’ve always found that the good things in life are what make me feel most alive.”

You froze, turning to meet her brown gaze with a startled one of your own. She stared steadily back, taking one of your hands and squeezing it between her delicate fingers. It looked like she had given her words a lot of thought, probably cultivating this speech since Nero and Nico had told her your story. Of how you died, repeating the miserable cycle over and over until you fell for V. And then...he left you too.

They always leave.

“Like eating your favorite food after not having it for a long time,” Kyrie continued despite your dark thoughts, closing her eyes like she was remembering past memories, her hair drifting on the breeze, ���Or hugging a friend so tightly that you share your warmth with them. The feeling of putting on a fresh shirt when it has dried, or the sensation of laughing so hard there are tears in your eyes.”

“Or,” Nico piped in, sucking down some tea and smiling mischievously at you, “Finally gettin’ home after a long day and stickin’ your tiddies in front of an air conditioner.”

Kyrie let out a light giggle, smiling widely as she looked back at the messy haired mechanic, “That too! But what I’m saying is,” she turned back to you, squeezing your hand again as you listened on in silence, “This mindset you have, that life should be made real only by pain...in reality, it’s not making you feel alive at all. It’s keeping you in that bad place, making you feel like you deserve to be hurt like it justifies you being alive again...doesn’t it?”

In reality...you didn’t feel alive at all, did you?

Your glass walls started trembling, fingers mimicking the motion in Kyrie’s grasp. It was starting to hurt, it was starting to claw its way out your throat again. You stared out at the sea, feeling yourself unraveling as Nero’s fiance spoke the words you knew all along to be true, but never wanted to acknowledge it. After so many years of pain, of suffering, what else could you do to cope? The dark, the cold, the Void...you were birthed into this existence in pain, so willing to believe whatever was told to you to make the ache tolerable. Fooling yourself, trying to take the pain as a means to shield yourself. Like a punishment that you deserved.

It hurt. It hurt and it wasn’t fair. You felt your breathing speed up, mind struggling to push back the flood threatening to overtake you. It was too much, it was too much. You were overflowing with emotions in a glass too full, ready to break. And it had been a long time coming.

“I know it hurts,” Kyrie whispered, holding your trembling fingers between your own and keeping her gaze on your face, “You lost someone dear to you, and it’s agony, the worst kind. But this isn’t what made you feel most alive, was it? It was when you were with him that you were thriving, when pain wasn’t there anymore.”

“To hold infinity in the palm of your hand,” Your mind replayed the night in the church, V’s eyes staring at you in adoration as he stroked your cheek. It made your breath catch,  a whimper of agony threatening to burst from your throat as you tried to push it back, “An eternity in an hour.”

Please. I can’t I can’t do this.

“My sparrow, I do believe you are coming undone.”

Remembering you is a reminder of pain.

“I am such a selfish creature, sparrow.”

One that I will never come back from.

“And it’s those memories that you should hold onto, to remind you that you are alive,” Kyrie put a hand to your cheek, tilting your head so that your stricken gaze was looking back at her, “You are alive because you can love and feel all those wonderful things. Never doubt that, Y/N.”

It hurt. It hurt it hurt it hurt. Tears were starting to fill your eyes, threatening to track down your cheeks.

It hurts.

Kyrie gave you a soft smile, one that was a bit sad as she continued carefully, “Let the pain be pain, sweetheart. You’re allowed to be upset, to be angry, to be be heartbroken without trying to convince yourself that it’s needed,” She moved her hand from your cheek so she could squeeze your shaking fingers again, her voice taking on a firm tone as she continued, “You didn’t deserve it, you never did. And it’s okay to think that, to look at pain as a burden when it is one--pain is a reminder, but never one that you are alive.”

Pain is a reminder, but never one that you are alive.

You felt yourself starting to hyperventilate, the tears falling down your cheeks without stop. You saw V in your mind, smiling at you with his gentle jade eyes meeting yours.

You didn’t deserve it, you never did.

The walls had shattered, flooding you with memory after memory, feeling after feeling. Of when V held your hand for the first time, sharing your first kiss, entwining your bodies as you shared a night of passion. Crashing down on you like waves until you felt it again, the drowning grief pulling you under until you couldn’t breathe. It hurt, it was agony. But worse--she was right. Those were the moments where you felt alive, heart at ease and filled with joy, filled with adoration and affection. When you were laughing with Griffon, curled up in a bed next to the familiars and V. You felt more alive in those moments than any other in so many years since your awakening, and they were everything to you.

All the tears you had held back, the feelings waiting to break through now burst out. You were crumbling to pieces, unable to stop the flow once it began. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair that you lost him after working so hard. This pain wasn’t fair, you didn’t deserve it. You deserved better.

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

Heavy, gasping sobs started to burst out of your throat, tears dripping down your chin like a dam broken loose. You couldn’t stop, they couldn’t stop, and for once you didn’t want them to.

And for the first time in so long, you wept harder than you ever had. Crying with your whole body, sobs wracking your frame as you fell to pieces in front of both girls. Kyrie took  the cup from your hands, handing it to Nico before she pulled you into an embrace. Your sobs turned into wails, releasing every ounce of grief and loss you felt, mind replaying all the moments of happiness ripped away from you in and instant. And this was what Kyrie knew you needed, to let it all go, to let the pain out and stop fighting yourself. After years and years of holding yourself back and taking beating after beating, you had finally had enough. She held you close, like a mother would, stroking back your hair and whispering soothingly to you.

“It’s not fair…!” You sobbed, voice raw and broken as your shoulders trembled, “It’s not...it’s not fair…!”

I just wanted happiness, after so long of not having it. And it fell to pieces.

I gave everything.

I gave everything and it changed nothing.

You felt Nico put a hand on one of your shoulders, squeezing you gently as you continued to cry out everything you had held back. She said nothing, but you could feel her support too.

Kyrie stroked your hair back, her voice gentle and soothing as she whispered, “You did your best, and that’s what matters. It will be okay, I promise you that,” She held you closer, arms steady and firm and holding your steady amongst the storm inside, “You’re a part of my family now, and we will make sure you find happiness again, I swear that Y/N.”

You said nothing in response, still sobbing softly in her arms and unable to stop yourself. For once in so many years, you felt like you were at home. There had been no time to rest, no time to find peace, no time to realize just how terrible things had been for you. But now...now you were unraveling, picking apart every tragedy like they were strings on a bow playing the song of your existence. You would grieve for what you lost, for the poet who left you behind. Because unlike before, you weren’t trying to swim in the ocean of grief alone, drowning in the inky waters of the Void.

The familiars were surrounding your mind, holding you in your grief like life preservers. Kyrie and Nico were holding your head above water, and Nero was there with a boat. You had them there, and they were the reminders that you were alive. Not the pain, not the heartache, not losing V. You would keep those precious memories of him, of every touch, kiss, and words shared. And you would hold them to your heart, those moments where you felt the most alive.

And that, for you, would be enough.

These are the reminders that I am alive.

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Tagged: @slightlylunatic @nightshadow4713 @silentwhispofhope @just-call-me-no-name @efiicitia @shaelin444

[acabloe]

Soon Goodbye, Now Love: chapter six

new ppl who r just seeing this it’s a guardian angel A/U

find all the parts here ☟

Ao3   ff.net

tw’s: swearing, mentions of depression and anxiety, loss of memory

still based on this song lol

here is the moodboard for ambience purposes if you’re that kind of kid

a/n: its been very long yada yada please just tell me if you want the next chapter because im stuck in au land, if you would prefer a Jane Austin au literally ill drop everything 

once the lights go out

Higher City, Angel Habitat/Complex - 2:45 AM

Half an hour post-transportation and five hours after Chloe’s accident.

Beca stumbled on her footing as she grasped around the edge of the doorframe, looking for a switch or a pull to shed light into the pitch-black space that expanded beyond the doors of her residence for the next who-knew-how-long.

Her neck whined in an aggravating crick from sitting hunched over Chloe’s bedside for so long and her mind was mushed from the weight of stress, overtiredness, excessive adrenaline usage and above all else, of course--grief. The only thing keeping her from collapsing on the ground in the doorway of this small concrete hallway and weeping herself to sleep was the sentence she continued to recite to herself repetitively under her breath: “Chloe’s alive, everyone’s safe, you’ll be okay.”

She far from even entertained the possibility that the last part was rest assured, but the act of mouthing it repetitively had a numbing effect on her currently fragile mental stamina.

After fumbling for a few seconds, she huffed in exasperation and gave up trying to find a switch. Sleep was the only thing she had the brains to carry out. Deliberation over everything else that had transpired in the past four hours would be performed when her brain was a just little further away from falling apart.

The man at the front desk of the grey building had given her a small but heavy and lumpy grey drawstring rucksack before dropping her off alone in the dingy hall of her new quarters. She set it down by her feet now, using it to prop open the thick black door to let as much light into the room as possible.

Hands outstretched, she shuffled inside and waited until her eyes adapted to the murky black interior. It took a few seconds but eventually the slight outlines of shapes faded into view and she finally spotted what she assumed was a thin standing-lamp in the corner. She stepped blindly towards it and jumped backwards a little when it suddenly flickered on, sensing her hand in the air a few inches before it.

The space was little more than a closet. Beca had little mind to care, too exhausted to be grumpy. Besides, it was pretty comfortable considering her own size. The walls and ceiling were simply white-washed cement and there was a foot by foot square to serve as a window at the farthest wall from the door, though it had little to no effect at this time of the night. She wondered briefly about the concept of daylight here and if there even was sun or moonlight. The sparse furniture was a bed, an old wooden sea-trunk, and a tiny porcelain sink in the corner. Beca placed her rucksack in the trunk and sank onto the stiff but not wholly uncomfortable pallet, lacking any sufficient drive in her to take anything off, including her shoes, or even get under the soft linen sheets. Her eyes fell shut and the relief of deep sleep ebbed impending in her mind’s eye.

Yet her head pounded and her heart still fluttered at a sickening pace under her ribs. She found it increasingly difficult to keep her eyes closed; the image of Chloe, pale and fragile in such a battered state after the accident, had etched itself clearly behind her eyelids. Her breathing was difficult to regulate (she was unsure if this was due to her thinking so deeply on the act of regulating it, or an actual physical anxious reaction) and the room was uncomfortably cold.

She brought her knees to her chest and hugged them tightly. Everything was gone. Everything she and those she loved had worked so hard to build from so little was over and erased without trace. She had trudged heavily from wholly miserable to the happiest she had ever been without ease and certainly not in good time. All of that happiness. Up and gone like passing something eye-catching for its possible beauty in the sand on the beach, but upon running back to find it, its existence is nothing more than imagined.

A distinct memory faded into view. It was more of a moving image (a gif, so to speak) than a memory, but she could hear distant and muffled voices as if she were standing outside the door of a closed cinema to a movie she wasn’t familiar with.

The image was of her and Chloe in their late teens resting under a filter of broken apricot sunset through a canopy of birch leaves shimmering above their heads. Chloe’s head rested on Beca’s shoulder as she ripped up the grass beneath her, spreading it over Beca’s legs like dirty confetti.

She didn’t remember the scene as such. She only knew that it felt real. And that it ached her chest and throat and burned her eyes with the threat of tears.

Now she could no longer withhold the prickling tears and shuddering sobs and resolved that if tiring herself out would be the only route she would be able to take towards a somewhat restful night, she would charge down its’ course at a thousand miles per hour, foot stomped on the gas pedal.

She stretched and bided in the memory as deeply as she could.

Her sobs reverberated softly in the small stone room.

Underneath this, a soft irregular ticking noise sounded from above and outside her window. She ignored it. As it got louder she recognized it to be rain, heavy and sheeted. This prodded her curiosity just enough; still shaking, she stood from the bed and wobbled over to the hand-sized window. Sure enough, though it was dark outside, blue light from a nearby pathway lamp lit up tiny cascading waterfalls down the thick pane.

“How fucking ironic,” she whispered.

-

Chloe called in sick the next day to work. She wasn’t positive why, she simply knew that the exasperation of her most mundane course of existence would eventually wear whatever mere being she had left into the shell of a personality akin to that of a tired old cat.

The events of the past two days had stirred in her a sort of awakening for what it felt like to experience happenstances outside of her citadel of repetitive routine and emotional hibernation. Though it was not the most merry or enjoyable topics to mull over, she found herself wrapped in reflection often and began finding a need to force herself not to dwell on it so much as not to overthink to the point of obsession.

The urge to constantly check in on her odd rescue-project was difficult to quash but necessary. Chloe reminded herself that her relationship was barely visible with this human being--all she had done was let her stay the night and drive her into the city. They had barely even conversed. Still, the event had shaken her, and she had little else to think about. She convinced herself to only inquire into Beca’s situation in two days time when she was sure Beca had become a little more settled. She was confident that Flo was good hands and that she would care for her guest appropriately, especially since now she would be living above the cafe.

Except that Chloe found a bracelet resting on the coffee table by her couch that wasn’t hers. So she kind of had to go back to the cafe. Kind of.

-

It had taken the entire remainder of the day and most of the next to finally situate Beca into a somewhat habitable situation. After Chloe had left, Flo closed up early and she and her new employee spent several hours behind the counter and in the bakery as she showed her the ropes. Beca was happy to see how surprised and pleased Flo was at Beca’s natural agility and skill around the oven and the baked goods. Flo easily taught her to bake the four most popular pastries, specific to her family’s recipes, and how to make four of the simplest drinks on the menu to start out, as well as her way around the cash register. As the day came to a close, they left the cafe to rush their way through several more monotonous but still critical errands like setting up both a bank account and a small, temporary mobile phone. They stopped at Flo’s apartment a few doors down from the cafe before calling it a night and Flo piled Beca’s arms with enough food to last for a week or so. The following morning, Beca set out on her own to blunder her way through a T.J.Maxx and a shopping center to find some clothes that were--well, some clothes. Once she returned to the cafe they worked a little past 6:00 which came oddly fast (her orientation of time and its passing were still muddled and the work at Flo’s came naturally to her.)

Succeeding the whirlwind of toil they had conducted over the past two days, Flo expeditiously suggested that a trip downtown was in order and after twenty minutes of walking briskly through the chill of the celebratory evening, the pair dropped into two rotating stools in a colorfully-lit bar home to some very happy and boisterous company. It had been so long since Beca had had any alcohol, so she ordered the most obnoxious drink on the menu and four jello shots to split between them.

“So, first real day back! How are you feeling?”

Beca sipped her syrupy cocktail and grimaced at the unaccustomed flavor of alcohol.  

“I don’t know. Everything’s kinda’ blurry right now, but my brain is sort of slacking off a little in the staying-awake-during-the-regular-daytime department. The time difference is so much more insane than when you swap from different time zones on earth ‘cause there are an extra four hours of daytime and an extra two of night. There aren’t sunsets either, the sky just goes black for a while which is actually really depressing.”

“Wait, so, do you have, like, powers or anything? Can you fly? You don’t have a halo, right?” Beca again decided to refrain from divulging her distressing ordeal concerning her glowing appendages. She had blissfully forgotten about that situation until Flo had mentioned powers, which threw her in a temporary whirlpool of apprehensive unease.

“Not really, and no, I can’t fly. I mean, I can kinda’ tell when something is wrong with whoever I’m guarding, and I can slow down time by a couple of seconds, but that takes so much energy and I can only use it in emergencies. And you know about bringing the memories back, but that’s only if the memories have been taken away by heaven. They mostly spent time training us how to deal with any situation; so like, CPR, difficult-situation negotiation tactics, advanced martial arts and stuff.”

“Oh. That is boring.”

“Yeah, kind of.” Beca sipped her drink again which was less foul the second round, but still jarring.

“So how does this-” She gesticulated vaguely at Beca’s body which she understood as metaphorical- “work anyways?”

“Oh, well after you die, you can request to be a guardian and they put you through this huge crash course for protecting a human. After training you’re assigned one person to guard on earth for their whole life, starting whenever heaven thinks that person needs the most guidance. Sometimes that means bumping into them and becoming best friends with them or marrying and growing old with them. Sometimes you never even meet them in person, just help them from afar. You do what heaven dictates is best for them, so no complicated attachments. When they die, your memory is replaced in the mind of everyone you’ve ever met as someone else, so no one will recognize you when you go back to earth and you get sent back to heaven and reverted to the age you died to start with another assignment. You can never, um, retire or whatever, and apparently you can only stop once you’ve worn out your brain. And then they, you, know, cease you ‘cause you’re no good to them anymore.”

“Shit.” Flo had sat through staring at the dark brick wall behind the bar with a blank expression enunciating her contemplation of what Beca had revealed.

“‘Shit’ is right. I guess it sounds kind of cool when I describe it, but when I thought I was actually going to have to do it for, like, thousands of years, I was really fuckin’ bummed, dude.”

“Understandable. But you hacked the heaven system, how does that work?”

“Yeah, hacked, or something. I don’t even know if they’ll be able to tell. They’re supposed to be able to connect with their angels but I severed that attachment when I changed my assignment. I think they-” Flo brought Beca’s expatiations to an abrupt halt, holding up her palm to signify silence and raising her phone to her ear, an apologetic glance tossed in Beca’ direction.

“Chloe! Hi! What’s up?” Speak of the devil. Beca squirmed a little on her stool at the sound of Chloe’s voice on the other end. She couldn’t quite make out what she was saying, but she didn’t sound particularly troubled. Even so...

“Oh, okay. We’re at a bar downtown right now…uh huh. Yeah, she is all settled, we finished a few hours ago.”

Flo removed her phone from her ear and hid it under her chin to bring her attention to Beca. “She says she has a bracelet of yours?”

“Oh, um. I guess? I don’t really remember having one but-”

“She says it is not hers.”

“No, Flo, I said it might be.”

“Okay...it is hers. You can drop it off at the café. Anything else?”

Beca seized Flo’s phone from her grasp. “Will you give us a sec’ Chloe?” She placed it on mute.

“Hey! What?!” Flo scrambled and stretched, trying desperately to reclaim her confused friend on the other end of the line, but Beca held it out of her reach, exasperated.

“Flo, why are you being like this?!”

Flo sighed heavily off of an exaggerated voiced inhale and rested her hands on Beca’s arm. Beca grew uncomfortable with the sudden sincerity in her voice.

“Okay, listen. Beca, I know you did not come back for the Bellas. I know you just came back for Chloe. I think you really need some time to adjust on earth before you do anything rash. I don’t think you should be getting too close to her and I think that you are idealizing your situation. Por el amor de Dios, Chloe doesn’t even know who you are! You need to slow your ass down, girl! We have the Bella reunion soon. You can wait that long at least.”

Beca chewed on her lip thoughtfully. This was the first vocal confirmation of what she had been refraining from thinking over fully past the whispered voice of reason behind a closet door barely ajar in the very recesses of her mind. For the thousandth time that day she swallowed the reflection of how careless and hasty her actions had been.

Beca had never dwelled so long and hard over someone or something as she had over Chloe whilst in heaven. Only her mother’s death came as remotely close a subject to how ruthlessly Beca obsessed (Obsess - used very much in the dictionary sense; not lightly. See also; beset, consume, haunt, etc.) over Chloe and her accident. Considering this, a complete and detailed plan would definitely make sense in this context; however, obsession to this point considers little factual influence in a non-idealized, material world. Hence, Beca’s rash behavior and her reactions to Chloe in palpable physical situations.

“Okay... maybe you’re right. I guess I was really weighing everything on Chloe liking me for me, and not all the stuff we shared in the past, you know? Sorry about not saying anything about it, and I really am so happy to see you. I love you so much. All of you. Please don’t think I didn’t come back for you guys. You mean everything to me, we’re family. I just, you know... Please schedule the reunion soon?”

“Yes. Fine, I will.” Beca slowly retracted her arm and placed the phone in Flo’s expectant (but now softened and more sympathetic) outstretched palm. She unmuted the call.

“Hi, Chloe, sorry about that, drunk asshole was bothering us. You can bring the bracelet to the reunion. By the way, do we have some dates for that yet? Aubrey should be here this month, right? Yes. No, uh-huh. Okay great, perfect, text the group-chat about it? Okay, bye!” She hung up and grinned at Beca. “Two weeks, as long as everyone is free!”

“Ugh, dude what am I gonna’ do in the meantime?”

“Well, I know that you only came back for-,” Beca threw her a glare and Flo surrendered, hands in the air. “Sorry, right, a couple reasons, and it is all you have got your heart set on, but you need to take a few steps back. I have to say Beca, you really didn’t plan this very well. You need to establish a solid base here because this is your life now. You may be an angel, but if you think about it, I am, like, definitely a saint for doing all this for you.”

Beca flipped her off and returned to wincing down the copious amounts of fluid she had spent an annoying amount of cash on.

“For real though, you’re right. And I really... appreciate everything you’re doing for me Flo, it means a lot.” Flo smiled and nodded.

-

Perhaps if Chloe hadn’t felt so out of place, she would have asked Flo to let her join the girls at the bar. But for some reason, something about the phone call and the whole situation whispered a sense of exclusion -- well intentioned or not, she couldn’t tell. She hadn’t felt this socially anxious in a while. Her mental health was not even anything she had thought about in depth for a few years and she had long ago passively accepted the concept that with age came dampened emotions, and that such was a perfectly natural sequence. If nothing would ever give her real pleasure again, so be it.

Another walk. Another achingly familiar song. Another foot in front of the other. Another fifteen minutes later and she stood in front of a deep, deep dark pond, rocky banks powdered with grey-blue frost. The water reflected with the perfection of a mirror the nothingness of the ashy sky.

Chloe now stared into this nothingness -- the sort of staring where everything at once is what those who are staring can see, but they aren’t looking, just seeing and thinking. She stood, leaning slightly in a gentle trance as she remembered the time she had dived into this same water. She had choked and snorted through her nose as she had come up for air and swallowed some accidentally. A friend on the bank had been slumped over in hysterics at her fruitless efforts to cease wheezing and laughing and coughing and yelling at her friend to stop. In her mind she imagined that it was Beca who sat beside the water giggling at her. Stupid and weird that you’d think of her, she thought, but she couldn’t properly remember who it had really been, and the image of Beca fit comfortably well in the situation.

She closed her eyes and settled deeper into the memory, in place but outside of time. In vein, she tried to remember who had actually been there to witness the moment. She couldn’t even remember when it had happened. This was not a memory she had thought about in...well, truthfully, she had completely forgotten about it since it had happened. The age of the memory prevented her from remembering details. Only present, was the sweet feeling of the moment, a honey-like residue, resting delicately in her conscious.

She was now fully trying to convince herself, however, that Beca had not been there. She finally shook her head as if to dislodge the memory and sharply inhaled cold air, opening her eyes to see, hunched over on the side of the banks with chin rested on knees, none other than the subject of her specious nostalgia. Chloe blinked several times and recognized the figure to be but a log, dark and rubbed to clump from weather and wear. Now freaking herself out she rose swiftly and promptly speed walked for her home, holding herself firmly from looking around for fear of misreading another inanimate object.

She wasn’t there, obviously she wasn’t there. Just someone who reminds me of her, or looks like her. Obviously.