#im so tired of having to explain my attraction to people that become romantically interested in me

[houseofwolvess]

i know ive been really set on just sticking with calling myself arospec because it's vague and im not usually one to go with microlabels and all that, but like. fuck. im really tempted to find something more specific to describe myself with because im so sick of people assuming shit about my identity

[starsarefire824]

(Not directed at you, just venting)

The backflips people will do to be biphobic are astonishing. Like my siblings in christ, it doesn't matter if Mike is gay, bi, pan or some other version of queer - why are we tearing each other down? I'm bi myself and if Mike is bi, great, if he's not, also great. I literally couldn't care less but to be *-phobic* about it is just wild to me. Like y'all will do so much to deny the existence of bi people.

People need to go touch grass. 🙄

I totally agree with you. I sort of flop between my feelings on Mike’s sexuality depending on my vibe on a specific day. Sure, I like to write him as bi—but that usually is a choice I make because I see a lot of my teenage self in him so it’s easy to tap into—-and it allows for (in my personal opinion) some interesting dynamics to be built between multiple characters.

But that’s just it—-isn’t it??? It’s a headcanon. Any take on Mike’s sexuality other than being straight up until this point, as it is written by the Duffer Brothers, is that he is a straight boy dating El.

Any other variance of that is pure speculation/analysis/hopes for season 5. Season 4 gave us some hints, there has been subtle things in past seasons. There have been a lot of choices made by his character that didn’t make sense until post season 4. And it becomes way more complicated when really taking into account his actions towards Will. But either way, Mike has not come out. Mike has not stated with words how he feels/ given any indication of his sexuality. So therefore, any headcanon by a fan of Stranger Things is valid.

I actually like Mike as gay. I, as a bi person, would fucking love if he was gay. It would be perfectly legitimate by what we’ve been shown, and his relationship with El could be explained away perfectly if season five wraps it up in a well written ending.

But so can bi Mike. Bisexuality is also a valid conclusion for Mike. He won’t be lesser than or not queer enough if he ends up being bi.. He won’t love Will Byers any less if he is bi. He won’t be less sexually attracted to Will if he is bi. He won’t be less of a person if he happened to be in love El and Will at the same time in his life. Or god forbid, be sexually attracted to a female. He is still valid as a character if he is bisexual.

And no……he won’t be “better rep” if he is gay.

While I’m at it, even if Mike chose El in the end (which we won’t know until season 5 because we, in fact, are not in the writers’ room) while still harboring attraction and romantic feelings for men, doesn’t make him ANY LESS FUCKING BI. Or any less fucking QUEER. And im so tired of talking about it.

[gorgojijijijito]

I've made it my entire personality at this point but with what I'm doing I can't really help it, being an aromantic trying to rewrite a romance is HARD oh my gosh. yes im a self shipper so im no stranger to creating 'romantic' scenarios, but those portrayals of it are only born from my complicated relationship towards platonic and romantic attraction and activity. i literally only do it because im touch starved and have trust issues and confuse that with a need for a romantic relationship. i still do it because it's fun and self-indulgent, but i know that it's going to become a big obstacle when writing scenes that are meant to appeal to alloromantic audiences in Bride of Discord. that being said, im begging you guys to hold me accountable if my input in my ramblings about it are skewed or innacurate. right now im just going off of my background knowledge for general healthy relationships.

With that out of the way, commence the rambling ig.

I think the biggest difference in the acts of love in Bride of Discord as opposed to one of the works it was inspired from, Disney's Beauty and the Beast, is that BOD's are all either transactional, or hammer in the subconscious knowledge that Fluttershy is trapped. I'll go through them one by one explaining my grievances in separate posts bc ive got a LOT to say.

First of all, our first exchange that parallels Beauty and the Beast; the circumstance of how Fluttershy/Belle came to be in the love interest's domain. This one is honestly the least offensive of them that I can think of as of now, but it still has uncomfortable elements. It largely mirrors the circumstance in Beauty and the Beast, however a forced marriage was in mind from the beginning. Fine, whatever, arranged marriage is a popular trope so I don't mind it as much.

I actually like how Fluttershy's view towards it is portrayed; she doesn't see happiness for herself in any path she takes in life, and that hopelessness she feels leads her to face her worst fear in the most head-on way possible. It feels in character for her, considering it's an act of kindness and sacrifice for Equestria, and for the mental state she's portrayed with for the prior episodes, giving up her freedom is, unfortunately, a common last resort people with depression may take in order to feel something at all. I wish the audiodrama leaned more into her mental health issues, it would have fit really well for the tone of the story and provide an interesting turn of character that we don't really look into much with a show as lighthearted and FIM. Maybe it's just me, but i love learning about and exploring stories that illustrate the ways environmental factors, be it your surroundings or peers, can influence the way you perceive yourself, others, and your purpose in life.

But nope. cant do anything interesting like that cuz discord's gotta be creepy and touch her and dote on her all the time. i get it, it can be cute for a shy character to get embarrassed for being praised, but that isn't what's happening in these scenes, as much as the drama wants to convince you it is. Discord is simply taking advantage of her vulnerability to attempt to woo her with no concern for her protests or consent, and it's extremely uncomfortable to watch. He never apologizes for it and never backs off, all it does is literally tire her out. there is no change in how he values her consent from when he returns and when she asks him to keep stroking her mane, she just feels more comfortable with it because she told him about the one time she got stood up. he doesn't respect her as a person with boundaries, he only hesitates because he's flustered that he's lost the intimidation he'd used in order to overpower her in the previous month.

I feel like it would be better if Discord uses the touching and complimenting to make her uncomfortable in the beginning bc, you know, hes a piece of shit before he gets to know her, but then, as he grows to see her as a person with her own right to agency and desires, he stops himself whenever he catches himself. When Fluttershy talks to him about the reason it made her uncomfortable, he directly apologizes for his overbearingness and actually SEES the error of his ways. THEEENnn we can gradually have fluttershy actually ASK to be touched and comforted when their relationship feels mutually transparent, as they feel no more need to feep up a front about their feelings for one-another.

[yesimwriting]

Hi!!! I was wondering if you could do like a short story post or something I wonder how Our General Kirigan would react to a shy reader? Would he tease her? Be frustrated with her? And how would she react? Idk maybe just a thought 😅 I asked you because i really like your writing and I feel like you would really do a good job and I like the way you portray the General. 😊

a/n i have been crying/feeling shitty for the past two days for no reason!! so i thought it might make me feel better to try writing headcanons! i have SO MANY half done requests/fics but as of recently i hate everything that i write!! so i thought i'd work on this request that lends itself to headcanons

also im glad you like my writing :))

--

General Kirigan with a shy! reader headcanons:

- First things first, I think how he interacts with someone shy that he sees as a (potential) romantic interest varies per situation. Like generally, he finds the timidness kind of soft which is so different from what he's used to that he finds that aspect kind of endearing.

- He'd never admit that at the beginning, but the more time you spend with him the clearer it becomes to you because of how he acts when you're alone together

- At first, he'd hold onto his usual stoic disposition, but after realizing that at the end of the day your shyness is genuine and not an attempt to seem meek in order to trick people/him he'd begin to tease you about it when you two are alone.

- The first time he makes a comment that's just a little,, kinda-almost suggestive (a comment about how he wonders what it'd be like to be a Heartrender so that he could hear the change in your heartbeat every time you shied away from something) you're too confused to be embarrassed for like two seconds.

- You're basically that meme that's like did I hear that shit righttt??

- So you meet his gaze, and there's absolutely nothing but warm confidence there and you realize that he had in fact,,, said that.

- You hold his gaze for a moment out of protest (which is an incredible feat) and then you have to drop your eyes to the floor. You mumble some comment about how his ability to summon shadows isn't exactly a boring skill.

- Your reaction is so soft,, Kirigan can't help but be endeared even further. Something he wasn't exactly expecting and isn't too thrilled about. He doesn't think being shy makes you weak,, but he's extremely wary about how you're perceived and how people may treat you because of it.

- He doesn't doubt his ability to protect you, but he doesn't want to be distracted,, not with all he has to do.

- Still, he can't help mumble comments whenever there's a brief pause and you two are alone

- Meanwhile, you're starting to notice that now more situations keep coming up when you're left alone with Kirigan?? like he's always in the library when you are, he's always walking in to assess training when you're training and he just so happens to linger until you leave and then he just so happens needs to walk in the same hallway.

- It's a little strange at first,, but you're more horrified by the fact that you're not mad about it than the fact that it's happening. Especially since you know how much joy he gets from getting you flustered. You can see that in that slightly cocky uptilt to his lips whenever you're left gaping at him.

- Why doesn't it bother you?? You try to rationalize it and the only conclusion you can come to is the fact that he's attractive and powerful and even though your face gets hot whenever he talks to you,, there's appeal in those qualities. There's appeal in getting the infamous General to smile.

- Even if it costs you the bit of pride you have.

- You don't get why you're the one he seems to be going out of his way to speak to (maybe when your life is as stressful as his is,, at the end of the day you just want something easy and if he's in the mood to be flirty, you're easy) but you're not mad. You just have to constantly remind yourself to not be foolish enough to think you're the only one he goes out of his way to talk to.

- And as time progresses, you get a little more comfortable with his banter. You stop shying away completely,, which only encourages him to get bolder with his comments.

- Nothing insane,, not yet, just a little more direct.

- It kind of becomes a little game to him,, to see how flustered he can get you with the minimal amount of effort. Every once in awhile, you manage to act normally, but he's quick to shut that down by upping his game just slightly.

- After awhile, it starts to become a game for you too, to see how much of your instincts you can suppress just to take away some of his satisfaction. Only when he's getting a little too smug.

- But that's when y'all are alone...

- When you're surrounded by others, sometimes it feels like you don't even exist to each other. Sometimes that's a lonely feeling for both of you, but each of you is convinced that they're the only one that feels the absence.

- In your defense, you're much more entitled to those feelings because he can literally do whatever he wants. You can't just walk up to the General and do what?? ask him why he hasn't made any suggestive comment in the last couple of hours??

- please that embarrassing!! even if you weren't shy, that would be out of POCKET

- Meanwhile Kirigan is just like being angsty and debating the implications of seeking you out in an environment with so many important people. He could probably manage a minute or two by your side without making anyone suspicious, but the danger in that is that he won't be able to bring himself to leave after those minutes pass him.

- Worse,, he may even find an excuse for both of you to step out into the hall so that he can make his comments and take in your reactions in private.

- It's especially difficult when you have that one strand of hair just slightly out of place,, presenting the perfect excuse for him to just fix it and then drop his hand slowly so that his fingertips can brush the side of your cheek.

- And you're growing tired of the crowds of people you're not comfortable with and you're starting to feel more and more stupid for letting something that was so clearly just a playful distraction mean anything to you.

- But before either of you can succumb to your angsty pinning (cough, cough,, simps) his eyes will find yours from across the room and that's EVERYTHING

- At first, you want to be stiff and look away because it's probably not intentional, but then he gives you that little smirk. And then you feel stupid for ever doubting that you two at least have some kind of friendship. (maybe more,, but you're too scared to let yourself think that,, ;))

- And then you give him this shy smile,, and that's it. He's done--that one look undoes him entirely.

- So he starts shifting towards you as casually as possible, because if he can't be with you right now, surely being near you is good enough for now.

- You're unaware of this,, and when the moment ends you find yourself longing for more, but relatively satisfied. You don't expect anything from him, he's important and you're you.

- And being around people drains you because you genuinely want to stay out of any situation that would have too much attention on you at once. So once Kirigan moves and you can't find him in the crowd, you decide now is as good a time as any to step out and get some air, especially since no one currently needs you for anything.

- So you disappear into the corridor, planning to be gone only for a few minutes. But the second you're about two steps into the hallway, you hear another's footsteps.

- The hopeful part of you is like 'maybe it's him!!' but you don't really think that. There's something about the atmosphere that feels too tense,, too wrong for you to believe it's him.

- A moment later, your suspicions are confirmed. A grisha known for his impulsiveness is calling out to you, asking you where you're going.

- You explain that you just wanted to get some air and that you'd be returning in a minute. You try to sound dismissive, clearly establishing that you'd like your minute to yourself.

- It's clear that he understands the hint, but he doesn't move. He just keeps asking you questions.

- Your answers get shorter and shorter, the nerves your feeling tensing with each word as he begins to venture from falsely casual conversation to more flirtatious words. Being shy can leave you speaking too much, spluttering out words in hopes of saying the right thing to let you escape, but this is a different type of nervousness. Something feels wrong.

- And he just keeps saying things, things that even Kirigan wouldn't be able to get away with.

- All the while, you're desperate to escape, but they're persistent.

- And just when you're losing hope, and his advances get so bold he has you literally backed into a corner--a familiar voice comes to you like a lifeline.

- Kirigan, with all the authority of the general, questions what's going on. The guy that was so relentlessly hitting on you moves back like suddenly you're fire and begins to back away. He tries to explain himself but Kirigan is not having it.

- As soon as the stranger leaves, you feel like you can breathe again, but your nerves are still on edge. Kirigan's looking at you in a way you've never seen before. Sharp and almost--almost angry?

- You try to mumble a quick thanks, intending to disappear back to where you're supposed to be, but Kirigan's gaze keeps you planted against the wall.

- His gaze is so intense you ask him if he's alright.

- The question cracks something in him because of course you'd ask him if he's okay after something happened to you. His expression softens slightly, which you think is a good thing but then he speaks,, and his voice is not calm at all

- He's mad at the person that did that and the irrational part of him makes it seem like he's a little mad at you for letting that situation happen, but it's only because he's worried about what would have happened if he hadn't gotten there in time.

- And you're kind of confused because like?? what does he want from you? you made it clear you were uncomfortable and you were trying to get away?

- But after a quick snap and the fact that you're okay settles in,, he does feel a little bad. So he comes close to apologizing,, but that's basically just him saying he's glad that you're okay.

- You don't really ease, so he decides to make a partial joke about how maybe he needs to be around you more,, just to be safe,, you know

- And you smile slightly, and you're like 'y'know i'm not completely helpless.'

- and he's like 'pity,, i would've liked the excuse'

- your face instantly feels extremely warm and you're not sure what you could even, plausibly say to that. But you can't let him have the last word,, not like that. So you're overcompensating, rambling, but then at the end...you say something about how he doesn't really need an excuse to stay near you.

- When you realize what you've said, fight or flight kicks in,, but you can't move. And there's no casual way to escape, so you decide that maybe you'll cut your losses for today because that might have been your most significant reply to him ever, and you feel like an idiot because he was probably joking. And you just had to say that and make it weird.

- So you allow exactly one second of unfortunate silence, your eyes glued to the ground. And then you make some excuse about needing to get back to where you were.

- But Kirigan stops you, and you think about how you can't avoid looking him in the eyes forever, so you just kind of barely dare to glance upwards.

- And he's smiling broader than usual, the look is so warm it melts away all the bad feelings from earlier. You have absolutely no idea what it means, but you know it's not...bad.

- And then he shifts slightly, and that's when you realize he's never been this close before.

- He then asks if you're sure, voice much lower than earlier.

- You can't speak,, too trapped on a line you don't understand.

- But as he leans forward, the only answer he needs is the instinctual part of your lips as his warm breath reaches your cheek.

- And with that he turns his head just a fraction of an inch,, and his lips meet yours.

- It's just a quick brush of lips,, a soft test. And when you don't protest, he moves to let the contact be a little more assured, yet still teasing.

- Something in you grows impatient, and you move a little in hopes that he'll take the hint.

- But that's all it takes for him to pull away, expression bright and teasing before playfully chiding you for being so eager.

- He then turns, leaving you more flustered than ever.

[strangetownsayit]

ok so um.......... .. . . ..

 i had a really bad time, went crazy and deleted all my maurice fics. Yes I have them in my notes and if someone wants them, I can send them to them, but still. i no longer feel confident about You Don’t Own Me and To a Happier Year.

but i feel bad and guilty bc then i remembered someone who left a very nice comment in my fic. maybe ill rewrite everything and publish it again, but not today and certainly not tomorrow. so ill explain my outline for the two fanfics cus i already had a ending in mind

before anything-- do i plan to write more maurice fanfic? the answer is yes. i hyperfixate very hard on maurice so ill never stop, but ill try not to make it public till i trust my bilingual capacities

 so, You Don’t Own Me

Percival Darsey is a young man who spend time in Penderleigh’s after having an encounter with Anne in the village next to Penge. He becomes Clive’s pupil bc of Anne’s desire, and so Percival bounces between them (wanting clive’s attention, then wanting anne’s)

Clive doesn’t really care about Percy’s attraction to Anne, bc he was sure it was silly love-at-first sight stuff. It was supposed to be explained later that Percy was really naive when it came to love. I actually had some dialogue written in my phone’s notes app to show how percy views were when it came to love and how easy it was for him to fall in love:

“I can’t do nothing but leave it to take me, Mr. Durham”, said Percy gently, with his back resting against the black slate of the roof; the light rays of sun --whose bright, blinding face was hiding behind clouds-- were worth coming the next day. “When someone smiles back at me, when someone touches my shoulder to get me out of the way, when they wish me a good day; I fall in love too easily, with many people. Approximately five times a day.”

“Many people?”, Clive laughed. “You mean, many women.”

Percival contemplated the sky a while.

“No,” he finally said, “many people.”

 Percival was supposed to be Clive’s opposite: excited about loving and be loved in return, excited to be discovered and being so happy with himself, he can barely hide it.

But when Percival got infatuated with a man, an acquaintance of Clive, Clive started to snap, to wander, to ask questions he could’ve never asked before. But Percival had nothing to hide anyways, and this would make Clive distant

Resume: with time Percival would’ve become closer and closer to anne’s circle, and thus he would’ve grown tired and exhausted. Bc Percival is autistic, and he has very little spoons (a metaphor about being autistic), meeting new people every day, being dragged to social compromises and being treated as some sort of servant that these rich ppl needed for entertainment, he would’ve suffered a meltdown and avoid Pendersleigh for a while

But bc Percy is not dumb, he would’ve returned bc he needs to eat, and bc of his neurodivergence he couldn’t keep jobs that were mostly aimed to neurotypicals. So when he came back, he decided to stay in Clive’s side. He found comfort in his cases cus all he needed to do was ignore Clive and sleep and little lol. And so this was supposed to be the first step to develop their relationship: Clive being interested in percy now that he has discover Percy likes men as well, Percival feeling drawn to Clive. They get to know each other and eventually, they fall in love.

But ofc everytime Clive perceives a hint of flirt, he panics and back off, bc hes an I—HSHFS- NOO- WAIT—LMAO DLFAOF—IM SO SHY--- gay, and Percy is a ;)) bisexual, so they keep flirting a good part of my outline.

But then BOOm I planned Mrs Hall to visit clive. And so clive wouldve remembered everything with Maurice, feel bad, and reject percival once for all. Percival cries a lot and anne thinks he is sick bc he has an uncontrollable sobbing, but then he escapes again

Clive has some awful months and Anne notices. She knows, but at the same time, she doesn’t: she knows Percy and Clive had a cute dynamic and relationship, she knows they loved each other, but she cant notice the homoerotism they had, and so she goes on looking for percival

I shpuld add that even tho I didn’t outlined this, there was a subplot exploring Anne’s bisexuality. I was working on how to do it when I deleted the fanfic

She finds Percival and discovers that he lied this whole time: his real name is Daniel Darcy, son of Mrs. Darcy, a middle-class woman who fell in disgrace after her husband escaped with his lover. It is revealed that Percival has many brothers and is the youngest of all, being 22. It is also revealed that he have been running away from home and coming back since he was twelve. His mother openly talks shit about Percy and it is hinted that Percy is a  Bastard, a product of a love affair.

There was a silly joke I had in my notes app:

“Many years ago, Mr. Darcy ran away from us, in the gay nineties”, he spat, struggling with laughing and bitterness. “Gay, my mother hates the word, just like she hates me and everything that is stunning.”

Then Anne wouldve told Percival about Clive but he wouldve stop her and ask her to go. But he wouldve return to penge a few weeks later cus he a dumbass who doesn’t value himself. Then he and clive wouldve kissed in the rain while he sees percy in the darkness of the night at penge’s garden, but then percy wouldve been like “lol bye” bc he just wanted to let clive know that he loved him too and that he would be back in the morning.

Fluffy ffluffy fluffy flufly

Then BOOM Maurice makes an appearance, telling clive everything about what happened with kitty, then asking for money lmao so he and alec can look for another place, and he tells clive that didn’t anywhere else to go. At fisrt Clive says no but then percy manages to persuade him into helping Maurice, who is surprised to see Clive with a man. Clive and Maurice have a nice chat, clive apologizes and cries and then the next day Clives calls Risley and cries too and say something like sorry I wasn’t there for you yoy didn’t deserved to go through that and it was so unfair, and then he -in  a very subtle way- apologizes to anne. And thus Clive is clean of guilt

But then Clive and Percival have a fight bc he wants to participate in Clive’s life but Clive refuses. Angsty angsty angsty. Percival reveals he was promised by his mother his part of the heritage if he married and became a proper gentleman. He tells clive he will accept his mother offer if clive keeps being ashamed of him

Clive wants to be with percival but he sees himself in another drama, so he does what is easier: letting Percival go.

But percival didn’t expected that shit to happen ?? as extra as he is, he thought clive wouldve comfort him and kiss him. .. .. . . .

Bc he doenst know anywhere else to go, and doesn’t want to get married and hates his mom and he would hate it if he became clive, he goes with Maurice and Alec CUS HE WANTS THEM TO BE HIS DADS ¿’¿’’93 me too bitch get in the line

So advices advices advices. Percival has a clearer mind and he runs his way up to penge

So kisses kisses kisses, he and Clive are in love nd stuff. JUMP TIME, Maurice and alec live in France and they are Percy’s and Clive’s neighbors. Anne is looking for adventures and kisses many women and many men. Everyone is happy YAY I can cope

TO A HAPPIER YEAR

Ok I am a little tired I want to sleep jdswiow io

So Clive’s durham first love. Fluffly fluffly fflufy

It cover events during the movie (clive being tired of bullshit after Christmas vacs).

Bc clive is an asshole, he ignores Quinn (his first love and stuff]) and quinn wants to know why he is being pushed aside and why is clive so distant. But then he discovers it and wish clive luck

JUMP TIME they are both in their 36 and clive is miserable during a trip in Italy. They both meet during said trip, reconnect romantically,  and HAPPY YEAR YES EVERYTHING IS HAPPIER THE YEARS HAPPY ENDING WHATEVer. I swear it is cuter Im just very sleepy now lol

[theratprince]

processing some more stuff about IDing as gray-aro/ace, putting it under a line because it’s probs gonna be long

like i’d kind of thought about IDing as demisexual for a looong time and it didn’t feel quite right because sometimes i do experience sexual attraction based solely on physical appearance. but also i didn’t want to be grey-ace because i dated someone who was grey-ace and i remember wanting to have sex a lot but they didn’t and so that didn’t feel quite right. but also maybe i just had a lot of messed-up feelings about sex and relationships because i’d become so dependent on those things for validation. and even i have been craving a romantic relationship up until a few months ago, and looking back i think it was still tied into a kind of false dependency on romantic relationships. sexuality is certainly fluid, so for whatever reason i was an intensely, obsessively sexual and romantic being, and for a long time now i absolutely haven’t been. and certainly many trans people don’t have a full understanding of their orientation until they are at a point where they feel comfortable enough to know themselves.

so for a lil while i was like “i’ll just rescind labels entirely” and even rn i kind of fluctuate between IDing as male or agender. i’m male about 80% of the time and agender about 20% of the time, and they definitely feel like distinctively different states. but the grey-aro feelings are more consistent, in spite of the fact that it is a fairly inconsistent orientation?

but it’s like. i’ve had these feelings for so long -- that i do want a romantic/sexual relationship but i don’t feel like i’m looking/waiting for the right one in the way that a lot of people seem to be doing. i don’t like dating. i don’t like making the effort to persuade someone to find me attractive, as i so rarely experience attraction in the first place. literally i have been saying “i’m gay but i rarely am interested in other men” for an entire year. and for awhile i really tried but i have zero motivation or interest, and it makes me really uncomfortable when men do form attraction to me. and i mean? maybe it’s because they’re not my type but?? at what point do you realize that you just don’t really have a type?

like.. okay, for awhile now i’ve been really fixated on tall red-haired guys. and i think i do typically like more effeminate men, and no i don’t really have to decide on a “type” which i always will go for lol. but also i’m pretty sure i didn’t start fixating on tall redhead guys until i started a general hux rp blog and took the time to analyze every aspect of this character and get into his head -- basically, to form an intense empathic connection even if it is fictional. and i sure af didn’t give a shit about kylo ren until i had to write about hux falling in love with him so lol

i can only name about a handful of people that i am legitimately attracted to, and i don’t really know any of them. and all the crushes i’ve had this year? just guys that i’ve known or awhile that i’ve wanted to be friends with. i cried over one of them once but tbh i’d set up a lot of unrealistic expectation that i didn’t legitimately want from this person. the vast majority of the time, i don’t “develop” feelings for someone unless i convince myself that they are capable of developing feelings for me first.

anyway, i’m not trying to prove to myself that i am grey-aro/ace. i’m just relieved that this finally feels like a fitting label for feelings that i’ve been having for well over a year now. it means that there are other people who are much in the same boat, and have felt disillusioned with a culture that glorifies dating frequently and regularly with multiple people even. like... polyamory is totally valid but i just feel so utterly disconnected from it and it’s no longer due to my bad experiences with it (like i realized today that i have no anger for my ex adam m. anymore? i used to literally want to empty a gun in his face, but now that just seems... really unnecessary? at most, i hope he gets some kind of counseling. but i’m not angry anymore, and that pain is just.. gone?).

so anyway i’m glad i’m not broken or crazy. i thought maybe my apathy stemmed primarily from a lack of suitors but... idk there are a handful of people who have been interested, and i haven’t cared because they’re not Domhnall Gleeson or Hozier or Cillian Murphy. *shrug emoji*

and like?? lately i’ve been thinking about how i have a crush on this new guy at work. and like, yeah, for much of 2017 i’ve been intensely wanting a relationship, but tbh it was just when i was looking at pictures of actors that i liked lmao. i have been obsessive about certain kinds of attention, but i think ultimately uninterested and certainly unwilling to make any effort. but still it’s like i see my friends dating and having sex and talking about it and i’m like “i guess i need to do this” which is my own damn fault. and then nothing would come of it and then i’d feel frustrated, like something was inherently wrong with me. and then i’d daydream and hope and tbh i did dozens of tarot readings trying to figure out where and when i’d meet My Guy and what he’d be like. and recently i had a couple readings done that said i’d meet him at work so when we hired this new driver and he was my age and *nice to me* i was like “here it is, here it comes, i’m about to get Attention”

like when i dispatch and he calls, i feel all fluttery and warm and it does seem different than the other crushes i’ve had this year -- but more importantly, i haven’t met him yet and i’m going off of voice alone which gives me all kinds of opportunities to fill in the blanks with my imagination, and put the guy on a pedestal without having even met him. i’m supposed to meet him this thursday because we’re having a driver appreciation that i’m not even 100% sure he’s going to. i’ve been mildly stressin’ because i’m all “what if he doesn’t like me” and “what if he’s straight/taken” and “what if he’s actually horrible” and “what if he wears velcro-strap sandals and buzzes his hair like every other shitlord in this town” but then it occurred to me that none of that matters?? like, we’re drawn to this business perhaps because we have similar personalities and i enjoy talking to him when i get the chance, so we’d probably be good friends.

also lmao like ... a lot of the things i’ve been thinking i want in a relationship is actually just stuff that i want out of a friendship. like spending time together and talking about mutual interests and watching weird movies and going cool places like camping and museums and cycling together?? plus i want crazy kinky sex but i’m not even really sure that i actually want that. i’m pretty sure i do. I DUNNO WHICH IS WHY IM GREY I GUESS

and it’s like having this epiphany enabled me to also realize: i don’t have a crush on that new guy. also this explains why i keep trying to date my friends -- i confuse intense care for romantic feelings (and maybe i’m just a naturally really affectionate, loving person??). also: i don’t know how to deal with it when people do get attracted to me so i just run away.

so i guess this has just been in the back of my mind for a long time now. and while yeah i am an intensely sexual and romantic person, i extremely rarely experience that attraction for anyone, and i’m tired of feeling like something is wrong with me because our society, frankly, makes it a compulsion. and now i can put a name to those feelings. and?? i’m proud of it? i’m fucking grey-aro/ace and i’m proud <3

btw the gray-aro flag looks like slytherin. just saying

anyway i need to sleep

[risprinabeachw-blog]

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