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lokbobpop · 4 years ago

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Fitness

Fitness is the condition of being physically fit and healthy and involves attributes that include, but are not limited to mental acuity, cardiorespiratory endurance, muscular strength, muscular endurance, body composition, and flexibility.

Though we have grown to think of it exclusively in physical terms, the term fitness is actually defined as “the quality of being suitable,” and comes from adding the Old English suffix -ness, meaning “the state of being,” to the root word fit, meaning “proper or suitable,” which is of unknown origin (with theories

Fitness fit ness fit nus fi tin us

Writing fitness

The thought of going to the gym but not wanting to go like you have just woke up and you think i dont want to go today and think of all the reason why you should go you think and think until your like yes that will be good and you roll over and go back to sleep when you have hit this stage of trying to get fit its all over your not going to do it anymore your bored your over it you have given up then you start to feel bad about yourself how crap you are and how you just dont want to do it anymore you feel like you have failed your self yet again you feel depressed it all over again you feel you’ll stay fat unhealthy and oh well shit happens this weakness is you giving up this is where you stand work i tout this is the point you see and go ok I understand you have gone off this boring exercise its time to find another to replace it and not give up.

Reading fitness

I think of gyms you see fitness gyms everywhere so many they must make money somehow but trinity who we thought would be ok training to do this couldn’t get a job these places are just walk in no trainer and do it yourself so no jobs anywhere so pissed off whats a waste of time and money really and she still doesn’t know what to do.

I think of men and women fit who have great physical shape seem to have all the energy in the world and i feel jealous of them there determination there looks appearance and how i wish to be like that as i see others look at them and also wanting to be like that and think its not fair why dont i look like that why dotn i work out like that and only live in the wishing and no doing in life like i wanted to be better at words thought i couldn’t do anything about that being my way of reading but ive done nearly a 1000 words in =under 6 months and i will do that 1000 by 6 months all it took was wanting the change so much i did something so its not letting things get to the point of wanting it and only sitting in the want of it all and not practically helping myself.

When i have been fit ive loved it ive loved the way it feels that i can do more than i did when i first started that i feel a difference in my muscles in my legs and arms i should of joined the gym here over the last 6 months to get fit.

I think of hard work feeling tired feeling i cant go on sweating thinking got thats enough i need to stop now.

Look at Chris’s mum unfit very over weight all her life but still alive very sick for years but still alive no problem so what’s the point really why do all this fitness.

Ive got fit only the once in my life when i went to the gym i lost weight felt good but the moringa were getting harder and harder to go.

Saying fitness

Fitness freaks where you see these people all they do it exercise all day long nothing else you see then out running most days and think dont they get bored why an dhow can they do this but i see its just an addiction like others im just built for this addiction thats all mine could be surfing the net all day but thats it where they could run all day.

Trin trained to be a fitness coach but didnt get any work waste of time

Im at the point of being the unfit the worse i have ever been in my life i reckon very over weigth the heaviest ive ever been un pregnant and pregnant i dont even walk anywhere out of my bedroom onto the couch and thats it Thats all i need to find something by next week as after the 1000 works im steeping back a bit to get fit only to sit in a hotel room for 4 weeks though so not much point but i think 5 /6 works a day is better you can open them up more spend time on them more see more.\

Does this definition support me no shame of myself for being so unfit right now jealous of people who are fit and when doing fitness i cant be bothered to get out of bed for it

Fitness fightness

Fitness

To start slow low impact work up to where you want to be change adapt self to love the physical to take care of the physical

I will use this word with seeing i just need to so something move more than i do right now and i think it will have to be in oz i work something out with 4 weeks of quarantine coming up noting is going to happen fast for sure.

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bartsugsy · 8 years ago

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Top 5 robron scenes? Top 5 robron kisses? Top 5 Aaron scenes (outside of Robert) 😈💗 YOUR TURN ;) love ya

U r g h

Haley my love sorry this took me so long

but also how dare you

why did I write these questions I hate myself

Ok I might as well crank this out before we get to next week:

Top 5 robron scenes

1. Hospital Proposal of Dreams because that scene is FLAWLESS AND PERFECT AND BEAUTIFUL and they are just SO IN LOVE and they touch on how messy and imperfect their relationship is and how ultimately that means nothing in the face of how much they want to be with each other and oh my god

2. OK SO NEXT WE HAVE THE BIG ARGUMENT ALL OF IT YES IT COUNTS AS ONE SCENE EVEN THOUGH IT SPREADS ACROSS TWO EPISODES LEAVE ME ALONE THEY’RE IN LOVE AND STRUGGLING AND ITS BEAUTIFUL

3. Um I hate this question um the scene about Liv buying the mill/talking about their argument and Rob kissing Bex, for two reasons: that last moment of Aaron winding Robert up and Robert seeing right through it and for the little mention of jealous Rob. That’s it. That scene is perfect. I love it.

4. The entire argument in the car in ssw WHAT DO YOU MEAN THATS MULTIPLE SCENES WHO ARE YOU JUDGE JUDY LEAVE ME ALOONNE

5. The scene where Robert basically tells Aaron he’s moving into the pub/“and you matter to me” because it’s Robert and Aaron coming to this new conclusion about their relationship and Robert and it’s just beautiful and ahdusjsjs

(I don’t even know if this is my top 5 anymore ALL OF THEM ARE TOP 5 I can’t oh god)

Top 5 Robron kisses

1. Hospital proposal kiss(/fluff ruffle) because it’s beautiful and bc two for the price of one

2. Deleted Christmas kiss because oh my god

3. Kiss in the dark (which is two for the price of one still lololol and because of that look they share before they dive right back in - you just know they sat in that pub and made out like teenagers for ages, just absolutely intent on ignoring all of their problems, every single one, and just let themselves be in love for a bit)

4. Hallway kiss of dreams because obviously

5. WHY IS THIS A QUESTION OFUFURN ok portacabin kiss because it has the greatest build up of any kiss and it’s perfect

Top 5 Aaron Scenes (without Robert)

WHY DID I EVER ASK THIS THIS IS SO CRUEL I’m just limiting it to one interaction with each important person in his life because otherwise I’ll have a breakdown over this so:

1. Coming out to Paddy. Obviously. Just. Yeah. Can’t watch it without spending the next 12 hours sobbing into a pillow. Just amazing.

(More recent scene - the scene just before the lodge, where Paddy lays everything out for Aaron, which sounds absurd because that scene is so sad, but they just love each other so much and 💔)

2. Chas singing along to Bonnie Tyler in the car with Aaron. I cried so hard when that scene first aired. It’s such a joy.

3. NICKING THE BIKE WITH LIV he’s so good to her and she’s so lost and she is literally about to dump 14 years of love she’s built up in her brain for this absent, imaginary father, such a short time after she’s found him again, to do the right thing and to support her brother and he’s so understanding of that and it’s SO IMPORTANT and honestly I will fight anyone who criticises Liv in this storyline I will FIGHT YOU STOP UNDERESTIMATING WHAT SHES GOING THROUGH AND THE AMOUNT OF STRENGTH IT TOOK FOR HER TO ULTIMATELY TURN HER BACK ON HER FATHER IS INCREDIBLE AND IM NOT HERE FOR PEOPLE CRITICISING HER SHE IS A CHILD ive been holding that in for a year now sorry

4. Aaron/Cain I love you idiot scene. God damn. I love their fucked up relationship. So much.

5. The Bartsy hospital scene just after Aaron’s attempted suicide where Adam basically just tells Aaron that they’re mates, which I had to just go rewatch because I haven’t seen it in such a LONG TIME and it’s perfect and arhfjfj

(More recent bartsy scene - the small scene outside the woolpack, talking about Robert burning the letter, because it’s just warm and quiet and supportive and I love it) (but they have so many perfect scenes lbr like any of the scenes around Aaron’s departure/return - like the prison scene, oh my god)

#robron #ed #aarondingel #oh god

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d3athm3tal · 6 years ago

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Here I am of course. God knows how often this happens. I think it may be the fourth time. I’m taunting myself with certain songs but all they seem to do is distract me. I feel, hollow. I can’t seem to stop crying, either. To be reminded every couple of months off of the person you love so deeply, intensely and fully, dosent feel the same is one thing. But to know people were in on it, to know it was my own doing too. Every night I would desperately beg her not to go anywhere and tell her that I couldn’t live with her. She would console me and tell me she won’t move an inch, and that I’ll always have her. I was terrified to go to her,to go near her because of this. Because of what is happening right now. She’s moved away from me because she has to. Like I told her it would. But no one ever listens to me, I know how this works. My sadness clashed with hers along with some mixed up feelings and a fucked up history- it wasn’t inevitable it would end in disaster. I suffered at night alone as much as I could so she would stay, so I wouldn’t push her away. I probably spared myself sometime even though near the end was cold and unfamiliar. Nothing like us. She terrifies me, and rightly so. She pulls me in and whenever I tried to move back she asked me not to, and I only wanted to move back beaches I didn’t wanna be 6 months in, hopeless. Like right now. I stayed because she thought we could work it out and I did too. We worked it out, we were Skye and Sophie. But you know, fuck her. I bit my tongue and held my breathe at times but I love her, she knows I do. Any normal person would get jealous and confused and possessive. Because she did confuse me, with her late night conversations and beautiful words and reassuring hold. Did she expect me to stay and totally pretend I didn’t feel how I did? I did well seperating it but there’s only so much a human can take. And it wasn’t jealous in the aspect in what most would think. I only got jealous because I knew she would want someone, and she could want someone. She would want any single person on this entire world that isn’t me. And she would get them, because look at her. I got jealous because they had the opportunity to have what I do badly craved, about what consumed my mind and taunted me, they would permanently get something I got a brief taste of which wasn’t even meant for me. I was just on the wrong end of a drunken mistake. I think that’s one of the hardest parts, knowing what I am missing. The laughing and the closeness and just all things her. I don’t think she realises how difficult it’s been all of these months. Swallowing that possessive side of me, tensing my fists because it’s a huge part of me. I envy anyone that is at the disposal of what I need, of what I so desperately fucking need and want. More so when the value and worth is not recognised to the extent it should be. I’ll probably never be okay with it even if I’ve moved on in years to come. I truly dread the day where I find out she feels the same way about someone that I feel about her, my eyes actually stinged writing that. And there’s a stabbing pain in my chest. I don’t even know if she’ll come close to feeling this strongly about anyone, I don’t know if anyone will and if they do good luck to them. I don’t think anyone in this world has ever loved anyone as much as I love her. I can confidently say that. And it’s so much more than romantic feelings, it’s every part and aspect. The friendship, our connection.

You see, every single part of me loves every single part of her. Even the bad parts. My fucked up hear still manages to create something so beautiful, perhaps the only beautiful thing it ever has or will. I would do anything to go back to may. Before your party, before my gaff and Meghans. Take me back to the night we stayed up on FaceTime laughing, when you would annoy me about a secret and we would text soppily until we fell asleep. Until my heart felt content with having YOU in my life. Regardless of feelings. Without knowing the feeling of having you close to me and having your hands against my face, without knowing that you doubted everything for a split second. Just knowing that the split second happened where you didn’t know how you felt happened made a world of different. I wish I didn’t know. Even though it genuinely is nothing and was nothing.

No I’ve changed my mind, take me back to March. Where I was so unsure of where you stood in my mind. When I got a little bit nervous the month previously because the bottle landed on us and you looked beyond perfect and I was nothing. Then when my stare would linger a little longer, when my back hurt from the shaky foldable chairs in the blue lit room as I nervously waited your presence on the stage. I shook my legs as my eyes scanned the many people until they shifted on to you. My heart beating so fast I could barley breathe and my smile stretching over my full face until my head hurt. I was in awe of you clasping that book with your curled blonde hair and that little blue bow sitting perfectly on top. I was happy. I loved you being happy and doing what you love and I just wanted to be near you. I was so excited for your FaceTime that night.

Ive noticed I’m talking directly to you now rather than about you. I guess I always get scared when we’re directly talking about it. I just can’t hear your rejection yet again. Im stuck now you see sophie. Because my soul is clinging to yours with every bit of strength I can muster. My heart knows to be near you, for the good of my heart let me be near you. But for the saving of any pain coming my way to let you go. I know it’s what you want. I am heart broken. I am broke. To have all of those late night FaceTimes ripped from me, to have the one person that phoned me until I answered,that held me til the sobbing stopped, that reassured me until I believed you. You’re palming me off with the rest of the group hug I’ve tried to let them in before and they just go on their way after it. They don’t check up on me, they don’t notice me not eating or sitting with my earphones in, they care when I tell them of course but theyre not you. And that isn’t anything to do with my feelings for you. It’s just about our friendship. Loosing this friendship is the other worst part. You were the closest thing I had to a best friend. God you were. What am I going to do? I feel so lost. I can’t believe this has happened sophie. I thought you were different. And you can justify this all you like but it’s the brutal truth. You let me fall for you but promised me it wouldn’t get in the way, and it did. You told me my sadness wouldn’t come between us and it has. You said we would never move away from one another and we have. You said you wouldn’t hurt me again and you have. You broke every one of your promises. Cover it up however you like. This isn’t fixable anymore. I don’t know what to do because I know this is it. Even if we were to come back into one another’s lives it wouldn’t be the same. Because I won’t be able to trust you with me anymore. You said you would protect me from the pain and the numbness and the voices. That you would destroy them and keep it out but in reality they couldn’t touch me if you were there, they didn’t stand a fucking as long as my fruit bat was there. The only thing you needed to protect me from was yourself and you couldn’t. You couldn’t. So

I am gone sophie. I’m swallowed by this depression that catches me every so often, by this feeling of lost, I don’t know where I’m supposed to be, and I have been consumed by you.

My soul will forever love yours. Romantically, platonically, in any way.

I am so so so sorry it ruined us. You were my anchor but you just sunk with me. You’re really

Gone and I have gone with you. I love you so much. God I do. And I’d fall in love with you all over again. I’d love you in every other life I was in, I’d hurt again all over for you.

I’m so sorry

Please don’t go I csnt live with out you

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lawrenceremodel · 6 years ago

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Nas Denies Kelis Abuse Allegations While Pleading 'We Should Be Better Examples' for Son Knight

Some five months after his ex wife Kelis accused him of mental and physical abuse in an in-depth interview with Hollywood Unlocked, Nas is telling his side of the story.

On Thursday, the rapper, 44, shared a series of seven plain black Instagram posts with lengthy captions that explain his relationship with the “Milkshake” singer, 39 — especially in relation to the child they share, a boy named Knight Jones, born in July 2009.

“PART 1. The Price I Pay To See My Son,” he began before explaining that “a call from Essence about wife doing another sad fictitious story” prompted him to speak out.

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PART 1. The Price i Pay To See My Son. And apologies in advance for the typos as I am speaking from the heart as a man who has had enough. Today i got a call from essence about my ex wife doing another sad fictitious story. Nothing surprises me anymore, including this. This is what your life has come to sis? Exploiting some people’s Real struggle and pain…just to get at me….to get attention ? Fame? Another fight against men? We are a human family and we should be better examples for our son. Why is there even a issue for me to have time with my son. A son needs his father. So many absentee fathers out here and here i am being attacked by your accusations simply because i got us in court to help fix this the custody matter? Why did i have to take you to court to see our son? Why when i win the joint custody ( which is a win for both of us and our son, it helps us with both our schedules) why do you feel thats an attack on you? Is it control ? Why do you need to have control over my life? because we’re not together? Then why? Is this being rewarded and praised by people who are being taken advantage of by you and your lies? To all separated couples out there who are cordial and co parent nicely GOOD FOR YOU. I wish that was me. I’m the most chill cool parent there is. Who has time to argue ? About what? It’s about our little guy. You haven’t had to deal with what I’ve been dealing with. Trust me. I’m a mild mannered god fearing very fair human being who tries his hardest to please everyone. It’s my nature. I’ve seen this too many times before And there was times i thought Kelis my ex wife was not this type. This is the type of antics that deceive people and people mistakenly call it strong. Seems I always had more belief in you than you do for yourself. I instilled strength in my daughter who you were already so jealous of and treated poorly. Being jealous & verbally abusive to a Little girl.

A post shared by Nasir Jones (@nas) on Sep 6, 2018 at 4:54pm PDT

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View this post on Instagram

PART 2. In life you have to work hard to be successful, not try to tear someone down for that’s the most coward way. Women are the essence of life. I cherish them. My strength is given to me from my mother. I am everything she taught me to be. I was raised in a single home by a single woman. I am a very proud black man. I shouldn’t have ignored the signs from your your first song and video I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. But I thought you was beautiful. You came into my life at a time i was grieving from my moms passing. You was a friend. Because of that i wanted to marry you. And i did. And we had a big lavish wedding. Overall there was too many good times. I have to say i wasn’t the most faithful husband. I was immature. I’m sorry about that. But you bumped your own head sis. Why do i have to live thru a constant divorce? It didn’t work out. Life goes on. I’m not coming back to you. Your married and im happy for you and I’m a extremely happy black brother out here trying to make a difference for my kids and the next generation of young people who see me as huge inspiration in music, art,business, education and so on. After 10 years of keeping my silence during a decade of dealing with very hostile behavior and verbal abuse and even your stepfather holding you back from one of your physical violent Attacks on me right outside your house THIS YEAR while trying to pick up our son while he watched from the window, it was my weekend and you denied me that because your parents were in town. I just went home. This has been my life for my son’s entire life. Even our son wonders why you treat me the way you do?

A post shared by Nasir Jones (@nas) on Sep 6, 2018 at 4:55pm PDT

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He continues, “Nothing surprises me anymore, including this … We are a human family and we should be better examples for our son. Why is there even a issue for me to have time with my son. A son needs his father.”

View this post on Instagram

PART 3. There’s some seriously crazy things i won’t i disclose for our son’s sake. Because you keep my son from me ive been going thru lawyers to stop you from this bullshit I’m tired of it. I’m tired of you painting a bad picture of me. I’ve been tired of it but you never seem to get tired. I even had to be in a relationship with you AGAIN after we separated just so i could see my son & I AM JUST TIRED. Back then you asked me why didn’t i stop the divorce from happening. I tried! We are too different. Some things aren’t meant to be. We were meant to be so that we could have our son. Nothing more. You didn’t like that. I prayed for your peace of mind for years because of your uneasy soul. I still do. I guess some things take time. You definitely don’t know me now and probably never knew me. You make up this image of me that’s not true but it’s funny because it’s really you describing yourself. You made up stories about me and claimed i did things that YOU DID. I hate all this, but you were a very jealous wife, and i had to deal with that and that’s the worst feeling. How much heat i had to take from producers, writers, music attorneys and record execs etc who felt your mean spirited wrath and dropped you from labels, from startrack to them all. I stopped talking to jungle & steve stoute because of you & almost lost Anthony because of you.

A post shared by Nasir Jones (@nas) on Sep 6, 2018 at 4:58pm PDT

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View this post on Instagram

PART 4. You used to turn my phone off so my professionals couldn’t reach me and take the battery. You insulted any and everyone whoever was around me. Not a single person in my life loved or could even stand you. Luckily for you our assistants all signed NDA’s or you would have a list of men and women who would happily talk about how verbally abusive and evil you are. Your self saboteur ways has caused you your grief your dealing with. Not me. The altercations you speak of are no more different from what most normal couples go thru, but your exaggerated version is UNJUST. Whenever one is constantly attacked the instinct is to restrain that person or defend yourself to prevent escalation. In hindsight now my advice to young men out there in a situation like that is to RUN at the very first sign of verbal abuse or physical. I herd you said terrible things about me. It makes me feel sad how heartless you can be. You play with strong women’s struggles like they mean nothing. You’re taking advantage of a moment in time where women who are fighting for their lives to get justice and be treated fairly & you just looked at it as an opportunity to get ahead. Like abuse is a game? Like tearing down your son’s father is a game. You have a son! Why are you still competing with me by telling him bad things about me. Guess what sis, he has eyes and ears and smart as ever. i don’t have to say anything. I think he knows what’s really good. You will NOT stop me from fighting for my son. You tell him GOD doesn’t love his dad because his dad doesn’t goto church.

A post shared by Nasir Jones (@nas) on Sep 6, 2018 at 4:59pm PDT

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In the next installment, Nas discussed his view of women and the beginning of his relationship with Kelis, writing, “I was raised in a single home by a single woman. I am a very proud black man. I shouldn’t have ignored the signs from your first song and video I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. But I thought you was beautiful. You came into my life at a time i was grieving from my moms passing. You was a friend. Because of that i wanted to marry you. And i did.”

View this post on Instagram

PART 5. Didn’t want to bring up money but since that’s the fuel behind all of this Let me say that I gave you the tools to be successful after you was dropped from your label. I paid for your cooking school cordon blue. The expensive yellow stove we had flown in from Europe. I helped pay for the remodeling of your house. Your assistant stole thousands from my cc according to Amex. Out of all people you should be completely understanding of my my grind. But you just can’t win with you. My schedule is CRAZY but you never help me see my son. I’m hardly allowed to talk to him on the phone. Ever. My lawyer told me bring the cops to your house and show my court orders when you don’t let me get him or answer your phone but who besides you wants to show their kids that his parents are that out of control? I’ve been going thru lawyers to stop you from this bullshit for years. I finally got our custody together to work with both our schedule thru court, while leaving court you tell me your gonna get me back for fighting to see my son and 3 weeks later you’re on camera doing an interview about “your truth”. Interesting timing. Do what you want just don’t violate another court order sis because the judge won’t like that at all. The judge already ordered you to pay my legal fees because he was tired of you wasting everyone’s time in court. No lawyer wants to represent you after what you put them thru. That’s why you texted me today asking me for more child support money-and you want to keep it out court. You will NOT stop me from fighting for my son. Remember GOD sees all. And I’m no longer allowing you to take advantage of the fact that I did not want to respond in a manner that could affect my kids , friends or family publicly. THAT ENDS TODAY.

A post shared by Nasir Jones (@nas) on Sep 6, 2018 at 5:06pm PDT

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PART 6. Everything with her is a plot and a scheme. Has no merit. No foundation I didn’t Wana speak up because i have real respect for our women. And definitely my son. I do not beat women. I did not beat up my ex wife. Stop. You got beat up in court. How much money do you want? Do you want me to relinquish my rights to see my son is that what you want? Just tell me. After all the tweets and posts you made thru the years disrespecting me and my family I still have love for you as the mother of my child BUT I am done with this. This game ends now and GOD will be the judger of all this. And although you tell everyone GOD hates me (some Christian you are) I will survive and thrive from this moment because I know who I am & you have not a clue who you are.

A post shared by Nasir Jones (@nas) on Sep 6, 2018 at 5:07pm PDT

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Nas continued, taking shots at Kelis’ character: “You insulted any and everyone whoever was around me. Not a single person in my life loved or could even stand you. Luckily for you our assistants all signed NDA’s or you would have a list of men and women who would happily talk about how verbally abusive and evil you are.”

View this post on Instagram

PART 7. And to all the fans that knew my silence was due to the fact that I don’t openly do this kind of petty shit… I appreciate you riding. And to those that were lead down a wrong path… I get it… very sensitive times and all things must be taken seriously. This is MY TRUTH. And I don’t care what else she has left to say unless it concerns our son. This is the first and last time I’m addressing this. Despite all of this I still hope for the best for her because whats best for her is what’s best for Knight. Love, NASIR BIN OLU DARA JONES

A post shared by Nasir Jones (@nas) on Sep 6, 2018 at 5:10pm PDT

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Then, the “I Can” hitmaker addressed the custody arrangement he and Kelis reached in March and the Hollywood Unlocked interview: “I finally got our custody together to work with both our schedule thru court, while leaving court you tell me your gonna get me back for fighting to see my son and 3 weeks later you’re on camera doing an interview about ‘your truth’. Interesting timing.” He also urged her not to “violate another court order.”

RELATED: Victoria Beckham Slams Divorce Rumors as She Poses with Husband David: ‘We’re Stronger Together’

In part six of seven, Nas explicitly denied the abuse allegations: “I do not beat women. I did not beat up my ex wife. Stop. You got beat up in court. How much money do you want? Do you want me to relinquish my rights to see my son is that what you want? Just tell me.”

And to conclude, the rapper explained that he had stayed silent for so long because he doesn’t “do this kind of petty s—” adding, “This is MY TRUTH. And I don’t care what else she has left to say unless it concerns our son. This is the first and last time I’m addressing this. Despite all of this I still hope for the best for her because whats best for her is what’s best for Knight.”

RELATED: Kelis Lists $1.9 Million L.A. Home and Announces ‘We’re Buying a Farm’

Nas and Kelis divorced in 2010 but did not reach a custody agreement regarding Knight until March of this year. According to TMZ, they have also been battling over the amount of child support Nas should pay. Kelis is also mother to Shepherd Mora, born in November 2015. She is married to Mike Mora.

This past April marks the first time Kelis spoke out about her relationship with Nas, calling it a “really dark” time in her life. “There was a lot of drinking. There was a lot of mental and physical abuse,” she recalled. “I probably would have stayed longer had I not been pregnant because I really did love him and because we were married. We weren’t dating, we were married. Like, this was my person.”

RELATED: Kelis Accuses Ex Nas of ‘Mental and Physical Abuse’ During 5-Year Marriage: ‘It Was Really Dark’

She continued, “I’ve waited nine years to say anything. I have never talked about this man, ever. The amount of airing out that I could do, and I’ve chosen not to … Our kids will find out. They’re finding out now. I’ve never painted myself as a saint. Did he hit me? Mmhm. Did I hit him back? Mmhm.”

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ellerevelle · 8 years ago

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copy paste journal entry 4

one year later

October 20th, 2016

im jealous

when you seem fine to go to a party, when it comes across that you dont "need" me to go with you,

when i try to find you at a show but you had a fine time on your own regardless of my presence,

that people recognize you

that you make amazing music and are constantly having ideas and writing

and people want to be a part of it like taylor and ida and its a talking point and something to have in common with people

im jealous. that you are confident in your abilities at work, that youve found your creative outlet and feel the desire to work on it all the time, that you know people in this town and people know you. that youre comfortable in your humor and your tastes and how you dress and you know your way around town and know where things are and just...

you seem to have it together and i'm jealous, and taking out that jealousy on you because i'm not there, and im just scared. and i tell you all the time how i feel and... you dont really express as accutely when youre down or blue, you zen it out or just carry on with the casual day. and i'm not really on that level, not yet or maybe i'll never handle things the way you do.

but that doesnt mean its fair that i make you feel like youre never doing enough. i'm setting a christmas list of expectations because... im jealous of you and your "fine"ness. i want you to feel so fine, above fine, that youre able to scoop me up and teach me that all the shit im freaking myself out with isnt real.

but then, youre a human. and maybe you seem fine to me, but inside youve got all the same swirlings of doubt and fear. and now im adding to it by what looks to you as blowing things out of proportion. and from my side youre downplaying.

so what do we do. i wish you'd share more. i feel less lonely if i know youre going through stuff too. but... what if thats not your style? what if you dont like talking about the down stuff because it gives it more fuel in your mind? i feel like that sometimes too. like the more i talk about bad stuff... well, the more im thinking about it and feeling it and its then all i can think about. i understand why you zen things out with music or moto, and where the stress comes in when either of those things arent working out as planned.

i wanted to see you at that show because im worried we dont have a whole lot in common. but when we touch or laugh or smile at each other and bop, we lose pretenses and just enjoy the moment. very present. at least thats how it is for me, and thought for you, so when you were indifferent after the show i felt a bit shattered. i thought i was setting up a great chance to connect, but failed. and had already felt like a failure for not going to that party. for not progressing at barre. for not hearing anything about my resume. for just... not being a real Person in Austin the way youre a real Person.

I'm afraid I'm not interesting enough, not sharp enough with wit or jokes, I dont even have the prowess of cooking to impress you with now that youre doing it solo (which I'm so fucking proud of you btw but definitely kinda miss having that gold star) and I want to still cook together, to feel like its a date and not a chore.

I love that you asked me about my collages for your album cover, and that you vented to me the other day about work. I love to see you confident about moto parts, or at least confident about learning them. but then if ever a glimmer of money or time comes in, doubt soaks its way through, your voice changes into a drained man.

cant sleep in because today needs to be 8 hours to pay for the recording session, that barely 12 hours ago was a great thing! but now its a chore? fuck, man.

I dont want to be another chore. I want you to see me ... as a cleansing of the chore. or someone to work things through with. or even do literal chores with.

I've lost my train of thought intention ...

and i think back to when you talked to me about struggling with depression when you were younger

and you seem to have compartmentalized it so much. i talk about my shit all the time, how it strings together and lingers sometimes. echoes. old bruises.. that sort of thing.

but you allude to having attempted suicide before, which is huge... and to therapy, did you even tell me you went to a rehab thing? and yet like... it doesnt come up. which i respect, but... i duno. i want to know more. even your divorce, you never ever talk about it. about the past. you hardly talk about the past and thats ALL thats on my mind these days in my own world.

is it to cope?

we're such different people, I fear.

I am so very proud of my past, shit and all. I hate it but I wear it and all the emotions that come along very boldly and probably too obviously. at least until I can figure them out better.

i just lost the most reassuring presence in my life. even when it was bullshit grandiose lies, shed reassure me. "ill never be as pretty as so and so" "you hush youre the most beautiful girl in the world"

even though she and i lost our relationship over time, that way, i still wasnt ready to lose that soother. that teacher. that support.

ive always looked for reassuring people. teachers bosses, even the nod of someone flirting with me was (in my dilluded mind) reassurance i was doing something right.

so when youre confident. when YOU have plans. when YOU have vision, and I dont... I want to see myself in your voice. I want to hear you want me there. I dont assume it. I assume that youre fine either way. which in reality i know you are. but ... i can think im special til the cows come home, but im still alone. but if YOU think im special... If i matter to your day... if confident YOU sees something in ME. then i remember to see something in ME. its just the right momentum to get me out away from the devil on my shoulder telling me im worthless.

now that sounds codependent. fuck.

i just... why do i feel alone even when were together? because you sit there doing life any old way, with me or without. makes no difference. do i have to get used to that?

i guess just... i want a bold force. bolder than myself. i want a leader. someone whos strength reminds me of my own. reminds me to have fun with this life.

and a lot of the time i just feel like you need to be single.

not to be with other women, but just to be with yourself. to stretch your limbs and be a man of this world and do your projects and just... be. without another person around.

because i need you. and i dont really think you like it. when im complaining or saying you did this wrong or that not enough or why didnt you this that this that... its because i need you and ... yea. whatever you were thinking or not thinking, wasnt enough. or was wrong. in my book.

my anxiety makes things you think are irrational completely and utterly real to me. normal life things, every day things that every one goes through and deals with become gigantic make-or-break moments. i cant deny that a lot of that is due to the recent trauma of mom's addiction, various times i had the choice to call 911 and didnt... literal make or break things that i fucked up. and also with moving away from philly. leaving thigns that seemed blah, but now that im away i wonder if ive severed ties that i cant return to. if ill ever be relevant anywhere, enough so to matter, to make a difference or impact. choices that seem black and white but spill into giant oceans of grey and chess pieces scatter... so when you ask me how my day is, i cant really answer with the truth that i was so crippled by feeling like an idiot imposter that i gave up on trying to park my car at a fucking coffee shop and drove away crying thinking that the patrons outside were watching me fail in my big clunky car and laughing at me. and that i cried harder thinking about the fact that i dreaded going back to my apartment empty handed, having wasted time and effort and just... failed at trying to do ANYTHING with my day.

so i keep quiet and when something goes iffy between us, like the show last night, or like... us hanging out and you roll over and dont touch me or say anything when you go to sleep at all... i assume youre mad at me. or i act cold until you ask me whats wrong and express my insecurities in the shape of "YOU did this wrong, why didnt YOU do that, etc" when really i just...

wish things were different. i wish i was different, i wish you knew how to fit the bill i need.

and im afraid the more i say, the more i struggle with myself, the less you'll like me. that motorcycle thing, target fixation.

you see whats wrong with me, and then i TALK EVEN MORE about what i think is wrong with me... then you probably see that too. when i know youve got your own personal stuff happening and im sure i dont fit the bill you perfectly need either.

you want the carefree traveling girl you met.

well... i stopped traveling for you. im worried both dont exist simultaneously.

who knows.

i feel less mature than you. but i also think youre more stubborn than me. youre patient but in different ways. we're both conceded but in different ways.

i wonder, if given the chance, if we'd hate each other in a different dimension. a parallel world.

and in another, if we'd ever EVER even meet or notice each other.

you stood out to me, and still do, because of how you care for me. and accepted me from the start as a person and not a sexy girl or a commodity or a person to know to get ahead or any of the barbary popularity contest crap brainwashed me to believe.

i admire your drive and your shine and how you can fix things and learn things and are sweet and goofy and care about your mom and just...

i wish we'd met a different way.

i wish i hadnt been drinking.

i wish i'd seen you on stage first. or working somewhere. or out doing an activity.

i wish i'd had to try to impress you. i wish it was more of a chase to get to know you. to vie for your time.

i dont know why. i just... i think i like to rise to the occasion. i want to see who i can be when trying to impress you. because often, i impress myself. and am proud of myself. and THAT shows.

That showed when we met. i was proud of myself because i love traveling alone.

but now im here, and i feel aimless and im not proud of myself... and i dont quite know what to show you.

when we talked about Carrie... i was SO proud of myself for finding a cool theme point to talk about. it felt like college again. like i had found a point that impressed my professor. i felt smart. like i'd scored a three point shot.

i know that led to our sex being so good. at least in my mind.

i miss that fucking FIRE. and i know its something i have to find in myself. but im kindof afraid when i do... someone else will have helped me get there. and i worry that thats what i want. i want a teacher. i NEED to be stimulated. i NEED someone to notice when i dont show up to class. To feel a gap in the debate when i'm not there to chime in. to hear a difference in the choir without me.

so when youre fine. when you dont think twice about me not going to the party. or when youre not really phased when we dont link up at a show i specifically asked you to come to.

it really really bothers me. it makes me want to keep that power from you, the power i feel when i AM proud of myself.

i believe we give the best of our selves to people we feel deserve it. and i hate that this has become a tit for tat of deserving. when youre weird or lame or quiet, i dont want to have sex with you. but i know sex for you triggers a sense of connection and you treat me better and are happier to see me and be affection with me after we have sex, because that assures you i desire you and thats validating and boosts you, so youre happier and then youre nice. and then i feed off that and im nice and we're fine.

but when you suck, i dont want to sleep with you.

and often, if i dont sleep with you, you think i suck.

chicken or the egg.

we've talked about this but i think we're still chasing our tails.

i think we both have depression, i think i talk about it too much and i think you talk about it too little.

i think we both need a hobby that requires physical activity, and/or one that involves doing it together.

i thought cooking could be that, but... i duno. it'll ebb and flow.

group scenarios.

i want to matter to you.

i dont do a whole lot without you. and sometimes i fear that if i do, youre gonna feel left out. oooor that itll come back and bite me, like if i prioritize hanging out with staci or nelson or michelle and dont hang out with you or invite you, itll be crappy later on.

which is unrealistic to think about if we're gonna make this last. of COURSE were gonna have other friends.

ah, my brain just twisted down the other long term thing.

it really bothers me that you dont have the father gene.

its a huge warm fuzzy puppy when a man is good with kids. expresses posi vibes about children, even about being a teacher or a coach or paling around. its a vibe, either there or its not. and with you, i think youve clearly stated kids arent in the cards for you. and that appears to me like a literal wall of sharp, shiny obsidian black. dark like your eyes when youre angry or disappointed in me. i do not like that darkness. same way theres a dreaded tone you get in your voice sometimes. that tone, and the black eyes, i fear them because i lose you. you drift away, cut away, either back to someone i didnt know before we met, someone you were before, past life that is still there like an id, or someone thats there all along and just doesnt come out into the light often, but is there under that curly dark hair. im not sure which i fear more.

even now, so many pieces are swimming around. longing, disappointment, wishing youd be more, wishing i needed less, wishing i could see you purely without "need", worrying im not enough for you, worrying im not seeing your depression, wishing youd talk to me more, wondering if youre mad, wondering if youre sad, if youre stewing, if you want to leave me. that im too stubborn, that ive hurt you before and am now still on you about all this shit.

i havent been a good girlfriend. ive emotionally cheated and had shitty untrustworthy conversations and here i am still complaining that youre not doing it right.

which is freaky. because youre clearly an awesome motherfucker and have put up with a lot when, if the tides were turned, i probably wouldve left.

but why have i done these things. why did i cry out for attention in those ways, and STILL if i dont get the attention i need from you, i cry out to you. get on your shit about it. im not satisfied. i think my actions have made that clear.

but what do i do.

every time i hear something outside i wonder if youre here.

but why would you come here, why would you come to me if youre mad.

i wonder if youre at your place feeling in the right and thinking im in the wrong. thinking of reasons to leave me.

i know i need to be more humble and learn, and mature. but what if these instincts and urges to complain are telling us we're not right for each other.

itd suck. but what if? or what if its just that we're young and its supposed to be hard and we've gotta stick it out?

how the fuck are we supposed to know the answers to these things? im not interested in looking for another you :( no ones known me like you.

sometimes you make me feel like im not smart enough or deep enough for you. like youve accepted me but i havent accepted you.

i have a lot to learn. this needs to be picked back up upon another time.

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