#im so happy with how the service went bc i put so much effort into making it nice and was so anxious about things going smoothly

[wildmelon]

survived the weekend from hell and after a packed, sad, heartwarming, healing, and stressful couple travel days i'm home again... exhausted and drained, but home and feeling so much better after mourning and saying goodbye as a family ❤️ and we also got good news from the vet 🥹 thank you once again to anyone who left a kind comment last week, it meant the world to me 🫶🏼

[wizardcommune]

tanjirou kamado sfw alphabet

pairing - tanjirou kamado x demon slayer!reader

warnings - there’s a mention of him proposing in r, so if that makes you uncomfortable make sure to skip it!

word count - 1.6k

a/n - i really like writing for tanjirou since he’s a kin of mine; it makes it a lot easier HAHA

also i apologize it got shorter at the end!!

(requests are appreciated! rules + media i write for are in my pinned post)

a = affection (how affectionate are they? how do they show affection?)

tanjirou is actually affectionate in every way!! he loves physical affection because it’s the most soothing to him, but he’s always complimenting you or giving you gifts, too. he likes receiving affection the same way, but isn’t disappointed if you don’t. (he understands people show their love in different ways, so it doesn’t hurt him at all! as long as you know how much he appreciates you, he’s fine.)

b = best friend (what would they be like as a best friend? how would the friendship start?)

it’s likely he met you at the final selection or during one of his missions, and he took a liking to you immediately. you met nezuko by accident, passively pointing out that “there was a demon in his box.” he immediately shielded it, but seeing how you didn’t make any advances calmed him.

as a best friend, he respects you so much!!! seeing you with the others makes him happy too. he’s always doing acts of service to help you, and giving you advice that urokadaki or the hashira gave him!!

c = cuddles (do they like to cuddle? how would they cuddle?)

tanjirou really loves cuddles! (he likes physical affection in general, really.) it makes him feel like you’re both safe.

he’s okay with any position, but he prefers to be able to see your face. he also really likes talking to you while cuddling!

d = domestic (do they want to settle down? how are they at cooking and cleaning?)

he’s great at cooking + cleaning since he helped take care of his siblings! i hc that he’s really good at baking, so he’ll often make random food for you and the others. :)

very very minor spoilers for the end of the manga (it’s the same spoiler as the one in the zenitsu sfw alphabet):

in terms of settling down, his dream was literally just to move in with you and the others, and to actually be able to do that meant so much! 

some day he’d like to have kids, but if you didn’t want any, he’d just hope the others have kids LMAOO

e = ending (if they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

ONCE AGAIN IM SKIPPING THIS BC IT MAKES ME SAD

f = fiance(e) (how do they feel about commitment? how quick would they want to get married?)

commitment doesn’t scare him, luckily! he honestly really enjoys the idea of getting to be with his partner forever :))))

i think he’d want to get married a few years into the relationship, but he’d hold off until he was absolutely sure they were safe.

g = gentle (how gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

he’s so gentle ohh my god

even though he knows you’re strong, he’s still very careful with you!

emotionally, he’s the same! he never wants to say anything that could potentially hurt someone. especially since he’s tanjirou; he’s so kind 

h = hugs (do they like hugs? how often do they do it? what are their hugs like?)

hugs are his favorite; he hugs you as often as possible!! they’re really comforting as he’ll always rest his head on yours or on your shoulder. he likes rubbing your back, too!

i = i love you (how fast do they say the L-word?)

really fast, actually! it’s not like he’s rushing it, though. he always says ‘i love you’ to his friends and nezuko because he wants them to know he cares about them. so when he started dating you, he still said it!

j = jealousy (how jealous do they get? what do they do when they’re jealous?)

honestly? tanjirou doesn’t get jealous. he respects you enough to know you wouldn’t cheat on him, so if he ever sees someone flirting with you he trusts you to tell them you’re taken.

if the person flirting doesn’t let up, however, he’ll get more protective and will them to leave.

k = kisses (what are their kisses like? where do they like to kiss you? where do they like to be kissed?)

his kisses are very gentle!! he doesn’t want to overwhelm you in case you want to stop. 

his favorite places to kiss you are your forehead and shoulder!! for the former, it’s always comforting to him when he’s able to cup your face.

his favorite places to be kissed are his neck and nose. it always flusters him HAHA

l = little ones (how are they around children?)

king had five siblings, he’s great with kids. he likes them too! he’s sweet anyways, but he always tries to be like. 10x kinder when he’s with some

he really likes giving kids gifts, too! if he finds a cool gem or something on his travels, he’ll gift that to them :)))

m = morning (how are mornings spent with them?)

since tanjirou always woke up so early when he lived with his family, it’s a habit that stuck with him! staying in bed after he wakes up makes him feel restless, so he’ll normally just kiss your forehead and get up

n = night (how are nights spent with them?)

before bed, he always makes tea! it helps him sleep better and he hopes it helps you too. right before you go to sleep, he likes asking about your day or dumb stuff that inosuke did

o = open (when would they start revealing things about themselves? do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

it won’t take to long for him to tell you about his family. he just wants to make sure he can trust you!! he won’t want to talk about it often though, considering how recent they died

it’s a huge compliment when he does, actually! it means he holds you in really high respect

p = patience (how easily angered are they?)

this is tanjirou we’re talking about, literally nothing you can do will piss him off. unless you beat up nezuko or something ig??? please don’t do that

q = quizzes (how much would they remember about you? do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

he works really hard to remember everything! he listens very carefully to you, so it’s not too hard to pick up on things you might like when you mention them in passing

(he’ll normally incorporate those into acts of service, too! if you offhandedly mention not wanting to go get your medicine the next day, you can bet it’ll be left on the table when you wake up)

r = remember (what is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

the day he proposed! he worked really hard for it to be perfect, and to see it went well makes him go ^^^^^

s = security (how protective are they? how would they protect you? how would they like to be protected?)

he’s pretty protective, but not to the point of being overbearing! he’s scared of losing more people he cares about fuck you chapter 179

when fighting demons, he would give you space to fight but also keeps an eye on you to make sure nothing happens. 

t = try (how much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

he puts in so much effort. he really wants to make sure you know how much he loves you, so he always puts effort into little things like everyday tasks! like i said in q, he listens to you very carefully which can help him make really nice gifts!

he also makes sure he never forgets something like your birthday or an anniversary, as he knows that it would hurt.

u = ugly (what would be some bad habits of theirs?)

NONE HE IS ABSOLUTELY PERFECT AND I WANT HIM TO HAVE A GOOD LIFE

v = vanity (how concerned are they with their looks?)

pretty much not at all! besides making sure he looks clean, he’s proud of not having self esteem issues in that regard. 

w = whole (would they feel incomplete without you?)

in a way? he really doesn’t like the idea of depending so much on someone, especially since if something happened he wouldn’t know what to do. he has nezuko and the others, so if something were to happen to you he would be able to heal. (it doesn’t mean it would hurt any less, however.)

x = xtra (a random headcanon for them.)

he loves singing! i know that it’s canon he’s a shitty singer, but shhh he’s good at it

he definitely used to sing his siblings to sleep, so if you ask him to he won’t hesitate :((( crying

y = yuck (what are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

he would really want a respectful s/o. it means a lot and it helps take some stress of his shoulders when he knows he doesn’t have to constantly correct you like inosuke LMAO

z = zzz (what are some sleep habits of theirs?)

if he’s not cuddling you, he really likes holding your hand when you sleep!!! it’s makes him feel really comfortable. 

when he’s on missions, he’s a vv light sleeper, but whenever he’s with you somewhere safe he sleeps a lot better!! 

[noona96n]

Hi ! Hope this ask finds you well. After watching the latest episode i got once again confused about the timeline of the series ....do you happen to have a post that explains it better?!?

Also....in the preview shu yi seems a little numb.....do you think he'll go further with the revenge plan?!?

Last but not least: thank you for the effort you put in your posts. You're like the wbl guru here on tumbl

im also confused lol and i actually planned to make a post about the timeline so thx for encouraging me to do it faster!

so, i mentioned here that Shu Yi & Shi De's probably only been dating for a few months when Shi De leaves for America... Shi De basically left during the honeymoon stage of their relationship!

recap on the timeline: Shi De confessed in mid april, Shu Yi confessed in late april, they start dating in the beginning of may, and Shi De left around mid/late july and he promised Shu Yi that it’d probably only a few months (im thinking mb 3 months)

im gonna ignore this ‘101 days in love’ + ‘after we’ve been separated for 76692 hours’ bcs that shit hurt my brain... like, 76692hrs makes 8yrs idk anymore

anyway...

in S2EP3, dad said ‘Shu Yi didn’t hear from Shi De for 6 months’ + ‘after Shu Yi finish the substitute (alternative) military service, he went to America to look for Shi De before he enter the company’

in Taiwan, the alternative military service for people born after 1994 (which I assume Shu Yi & Shi De are) are only six months. and, for the alternative military service, they don’t actually have to train in the military... they can just work in government office, teach in rural area, community service workers, etc. 

According to the NCA, male citizens born after January 1st, 1994 will only have to serve 4 months in Enlisted Military Service or 6 months in Alternative Service. The 4 months of Enlisted Military Service could be further broken down into two sessions of 2 months boot camps. 

so >>> Shu Yi & Shi De’s been apart for more or less 1 year when Shu Yi went to america. which i think make sense as to why Shu Yi was so ready accept that Shi De might be cheating on him asfghjkldi 

Shu Yi went back to Taiwan, broke his phone, gave it to his dad and Shi De continued to text him until he had to go back to Taiwan (2 years after they’ve been apart)... when he met dad.

so Shi De meeting dad is after 2 years of them being apart (and it’s been 1 year since Shu Yi think that Shi De cheated on him)

and Shu Yi’s dad & Shi De made a deal will last for 5 years. 

so, this probably means that Shu Yi & Shi De meet again after 5 years (5 years since Shi De & Shu Yi see each other in Taiwan & 4 years since Shu Yi saw Shi De being happy w/ a blonde lady & a baby in America). and this could also mean that it’s only been 3 years since Shi De made the deal w/ Shu Yi’s dad. Shi De still has 2 years left to go in that promise, which might be the reason why Shu Yi’s dad flipped out and mentioned the promise... why is Shi De meeting Shu Yi before the time is up?

in conclusion: the timeline is fck all and im confused lmao rip, im so sorry i made no sense haha

also, @soundsaboutrighttumblr briefly talk about the timeline here as well! check it out for their insights!

as for the revenge plan, i think it escaped them both entirely at this point lol and let’s be honest here... Shu Yi was never going to go thru w/ that plan... he’s stupidly in love with Shi De! (im writing a couple of very sappy (and sad) posts about how much Shu Yi loves Shi De & how he chose Shi De over his dad, hope ure looking forward to those haha) 

but yea, i think they’ll be okay by the end of EP4. i desperately need them to be okay by the end of EP4. i still want them to propose to each other on the fckn bridge asfghjkldi

im glad u enjoy the content i create! im changing my blog title to ‘WBL guru’ for the forseeable future AHAHA

[pianjeong]

Abby tell me about pianjeong when JJ defected,,,, the angst

:( here is the first part of the promised angst.... i literally wrote almost 1k for this ask so i rlly hope the keep reading works (also i’m going to make this canon to spark from a flame bc self promo time)

so bc piandao was army and jj was navy they aren’t actually in the same place a lot of the time so there are a lot of letters and jj occasionally abusing his power to show up wherever piandao is posted

but then. the letters stop coming. (does the fire nation postal service send return addresses? do they bounce back? much to think about. support the usps pls) and soon enough people are whispering that the admiral deserted and piandao is just. shocked. not even bc he did it but bc he never said anything about it and he reads the last letter a lot bc what went wrong was he already thinking about leaving when he wrote that...doesn’t he know piandao would’ve come with him if he asked? he doesn’t hold very much love for the army anyway-

and it’s like. the world’s worst kept secret that piandao is dating jj except he can’t be associated with a deserter bc what if jj got to him too? bc he’s still sending letters just in case they can find him somewhere and his superior comes to him and is like hey. you can’t be doing that. we tolerated your association bc you weren’t breaking any regulations but this is toeing the line of treason and we won’t be so lenient next time.

so he has to cut all contact - not that there was any at that point but now he can’t even say his damn name - and people say the deserter, the traitor in the same way they used to say the admiral, the prodigy and piandao knows how much jj hated being called that. so sometimes when he’s alone and sure that no one can hear him, he just says his name aloud, because jj was always so much more than what people said about him and he’s still convinced that he had to have had a reason for doing what he did.

i think there isn’t that much anger there, not really, at least not past the initial stages and u kno, when it happens sometimes. the primary feelings are more of a confusion, and just. sadness. bc he knows that what they had was real and he doesn’t understand why jj didn’t say anything. and he can’t really...talk to anyone abt it (except lee but lee’s only one person and piandao’s like. im not gonna dump all of this on him)

and the real kicker is...jj did it to keep piandao safe, bc he knows that if he said anything piandao would’ve been right there next to him and he doesn’t want to put him in that situation. bc he knows that in any plausible situation he’ll be running for the rest of his life and he doesn’t want that over piandao’s head bc piandao had nothing to do with jj’s own mistakes and shouldn’t pay the price for his decisions. but he’s fully aware that he’s also hurting him by doing it this way and it just feeds into the circle of self-hate and gah my boy is having a bad time of it indeed.

maybe. after piandao finishes his mandatory service and isn’t tied to the military anymore he goes looking. think roadtrip...but Depressing. and there are Two (2) angst options here and i shall discuss both bc you gave me a platform and gdi i will Use It

so 1. he doesn’t find him. anywhere. it’s like he’s disappeared and somehow it’s worse than him being dead bc he just doesn’t know anything. he starts sending letters again now, maybe under a fake name so people don’t catch onto his identity, but still no response. and he locks himself up in his villa and he’s doing what he dreamed of, just vibing and making swords, but he isn’t happy there, not really.

and 2. he actually finds him; look if the gaang could do it so could he, he’s one of the few competent adults in the show. and when he does find him he looks so different like his hair’s gone all the way white (literally at what. 29?) and instead of his fun cloaks and tunics he just has his drab hermit outfit and he carries himself differently, like his admiral bearing but also Not At All. and it’s abundantly clear that his relationship with his bending is different he doesn’t fidget with flames anymore and it’s like he’s wound up all the time with the effort of keeping them back (bc i made him so connected to his bending in sfaf and i regret that bc it’s so depressing now)

and jj’s like what the FUCK are you doing here, you can’t be here you can’t be seen with me get out get out (a la aang but worse) and piandao’s like please...i just want to talk. and jj lashes out and gdi he’s still powerful and piandao’s never been scared of him, not really, but he thinks he might be right now. but he wouldn’t hurt him, would he? so he reaches out anyway but jj does burn him (like aang did katara), and screams for him to get out. and he leaves. because what else is there to do? (and that’s why the clearing in the deserter looks like that...bc jj burned the whole thing to the ground....)

lucy is an angel and sent me another ask abt the reunion so i shall continue there if y’all weren’t sufficiently depressed...sorry about this but it lives in my head rent free

[pocmuzings]

hewwo this is known villain satanxwrites. i don't have a proper writing blog anymore but people have been putting some of your posts on my dash and tbh i must say i am so happy that there are still ppl like you in the rpc that try to do the right thing! i honestly dont know how you and others that have been speaking out these past few weeks do it because at least in my case, so much got to me i had to peace out and rest. fighting the good fight isnt easy so seriously, thank you to you and 1/?

( cont’d ) and all the amazing peeps that have been using their time and effort to not only educate people for free but to try to ensure the rpc can become the safe space people keep talking about yet i have never see. there is no doubt that this is a place filled with abusers and racists and so many of us have had our fair share of experiences with them. with everything that is going on, i hoped i could send this to you in order to tell people to take care of themselves and those around you. call things out when you see something is up, help others you are struggling, tell the bigots to go fucking perish and etc etc. also, be wary of people being performative with their actions. i sadly had to experience my own share of racism and double standards not too long ago inside a group i thought was safe only for me and a friend of color to be made feel uncomfortable and forced to leave. if ur a white person, use ur privilege to protect and uplift bipoc! if someone tells you something you are doing or did is racist, LISTEN AND LEARN. don't offer them crumbs and expect to be absolved of your sins. as poc, we fucking know what racism is, we know what lip service is, and we know when someone we confronted is just saying shit so we can leave them alone!! if you want to be a good ally, you MUST NOT stand for this! dont be complicit!! pay attention to how your friends of color are treated! if you see something is up, work to solve it and help them and us nonblack poc got a job too!!! we cannot deny that our communities and culture are riddled with antiblackness so it is our fucking job to dismantle that, to uplift black voices, and return all the sweat and tears black people have produced that we have benefitted from. poc solidarity does not exist and will continue being nothing but a random phrase ppl throw in to deflect until we put the fucking work in!!! watch how your black friends are treated and defend them with your entire being but anyway to make things short bc im spamming u with my 4 cents essay, you are amazing!!!! i saw the stuff that went down with drew n ur amazing too!!! fuck the whites profiling you, i would beat their asses if i could. anyway y'all, pls be strong ily and ur helping a lot of ppl!! AND DONT LET PPL MISTREAT U!!! i might be dead and in acnh hell but im still ready to oppress some dummies ❤ /end!!!

steph i miss and love u so dearly and i hope ur keeping well  . i couldnt have said any of this better myself. lets all please keep each other accountable.  keep each other active . be honest . call stuff out when we see it . we HAVE to be better ! no more ‘ uwu it makes me uncomfortable ‘ ‘ ohhh i dont like confrontation ! ‘ , bc that just lets down poc and black people even further in the rpc ! how is that fair ! put in the fucking work !!!!! be upfront ! stop supporting your white favourites or just doing what makes YOU comfortable . listen to other people in other communities when they’re uncomfortable instead of waiting for some big 200+ notes on a post ! listen , listen , listen ! we matter !!! black people matter !!!  respect poc and black people in the rpc or literally unfollow me !!! thanks !

[weerewolf-mullets]

i am so proud of my friends and shit who graduated school this year and i hope they go on to do amazing things. but i hate seeing the photos. the photos of their smiling happy faces with their peers and proud families. it all just reminds me of how i tried this previous year but it wasnt like i tried hard, i got sick and made excuses. i told lie upon lie upon lie until i didnt even know the truth anymore. i tried but i didnt. i tried where it was convenient and easy for me to do. i lied saying i had gotten doctors notes and went to the right people to get help for missing classes. that i emailed my prof after she failed me bc i assumed she would say no. no to a kid too lazy to even call their school to set things up a kid to her didnt even try or put effort into what she was teaching. so why should she pass me?  fuck im so pround and happy for y’all but i fucking hate myself for almost eveything. instead of talking to someone im typing this whining shit on tumblr only to delete it later. i try and talk with my parents but dont get the reactions i want, i want my dad to understand that depression cant be cured by me going outside and doing things. that me sleeping all the time is all i can do and that getting up for work is sometimes the hardest thing i’ll do that day.  at work (like may others) i put on that customer service face and hide it all away, listen to their issues and get them new eggs when they grab broken ones. i come home and immediately go back to my bed. sit here on the internet wishing i was better than this. better than writing shitty letters to the internet, better than what i tell people. i just want to be back in the city with my friends and close to a school i hate but love at the same time. i feel likei barely getting by there, that people havent realised how fake and stupid i am. sure i can make cool looking things but i have no depth. theres nothing behind it, no facts, no research, nothing. just me faking it in a half-assed attempt to function. i know that i am sick and that i need help and that i started to get help. but these meds feel like nothing to me, and words therapists tell me only help me right then. i feel like im always going to need someone to hold my hand and parent me around to get things done, but i cant just lump myslef onto someone to be my living daily reminder/ parent. im an adult, apparently. i know i can and have asked for help, but people cant stay with me forever in a blanket fort forever. they have to live their lives too. and i know that loving someone is hard but i dont even know if i do and i know that they dont feel that way about me and im just latching on bc they truely care about me. but i cant help it. i like them so much and us together would never be healthy. i wish i didnt fidgit so much so i could enjoy cuddling more... 

anyways this is long and all over the place and i know im going to have a shitty nights sleep. im holding back tears bc why waste water on crying over spilt milk? 

[jess-oh]

Reflection

I really need to do my dishes and clean my room before Emily comes back tomorrow night... T 0 T

so. Yesterday.

a lot happened yesterday. a lot happened all last week. I was feeling really depressed but instead of trying to ask for help, I decided to push people away and suffer alone. I believed that no one was there for me and was honestly aching for love and affection and acceptance. And every time I would message someone for help, I could never fully bring myself to disclose all my past feelings to them. I actually even almost backed out webcamming with my sister but I am so unbelievably glad that we could talk. We talked in the Sky Lounge and she was able to give me a rundown on everything that’s been going on in her life recently. And I was happy to be there for her. And then she asked how I was doing and knowing full well that I needed help, I started to share about how shitty my week was. I was literally the crying in a pool of tears meme. I was in so much pain and felt so alone and felt like I had to carry all this weight by myself. And she showed me that she is there for me. Yes, we’ve fought so much in the past and no, we haven’t always gotten along. But in that moment, she really cared for me. She did. She listened attentively and gave me her undivided attention and provided me with advice as I just vented about everything that had happened along with all my concerns and worries. And I started crying. Hardcore. And whenever I tried to talk about our dad’s mom, I would choke up at the thought that she might not make it until I come back. And that’s a really heartbreaking feeling to have. Because it just makes you feel so unbelievably helpless. There’s literally nothing that I can do. And it just reminds me about how desperate and helpless I felt last year when Genie passed away, and Calvin BGN passed away, and my mom’s dad had to get surgery on his prostate, and my dad’s mom’s parkinson’s was getting worse. and honestly, it was unbelievably painful. and it was 10x worse last year bc i really didnt have anyone. and now i do and thats great but it’s just a reminder of how helpless i am. i am so Type A and have this need to be in control which isn’t necessarily a terrible thing to be. But it really sucks when I really am put into a position where there is nothing that I can do to prevent my grandma’s health from worsening. Or from her passing away and I’m just out here in Chicago, unable to do a thing. And it really really breaks my heart. 

But my sister just comforted me as I sobbed in the lounge and reassured me that she is there for me and told me about how grandma wouldn’t want me to be sad and told me how i have to understand that there’s nothing i can do. and that can’t be helped. and it made me feel so much better.

and then she left and my mom and dad talked to me and we just caught up on everything and i decided to be really honest and they showed me that even though they don’t always show it, they still really care for me to and are always so concerned for my wellbeing. And my dad kept trying to tell me that he doesn’t want me to be “too responsible” and worry about money and I kept kinda brushing it off because I do want to help out as much as I can. But it was nice to know that they are in a more financially stable situation now. And that if need be, I don’t have to starve. They want me to be healthy and have the luxury of eating everyday. And that was really reassuring. 

I debated on not going to church today but knew that I owed it to Dana to go. So we went. And it was nice. I wasn’t as outgoing as I could’ve been but I did try and make sure that Dana didn’t ever feel alone. And we were able to talk in the van on the way back and she opened up to me and even went so far as to invite me to her dorm later so that she could vent about other things. And I do want to hear her honest opinion on church. I know it wasn’t really a “CHOOSE LORD AS YOUR SAVIOR TODAY” kind of service but I still want to see how she felt. Maybe she was encouraged to want to go again. Maybe she felt too much like an outsider and doesn’t want to return. I definitely think people could’ve done a better job at welcoming her into the family. And that’s partly my fault too for not making more of an effort to introduce her to everyone. But I am glad that she did get the opportunity to meet new people. And I do hope she wants to go again. If not for the community, then to make an honest attempt in living a Christ-like life. I tried to not focus on Dana’s presence during the service today in an attempt to influence her in the same way that Esther first influenced me. And honestly, it worked. Kind of. I don’t know how Dana felt about it. But I was able to block her out of my mind and just really focus on the words and the joy that it brought me. So I’m hoping that in doing that, I was able to influence her in a positive way. And plus, I guess when she told Sharlene and Mulan that she was going to church, it started a conversation between the two of them. which turned into more of an argument but not in the bad way. it was just bc mulan wanted a clear cut answer and sharlene couldnt give it to her bc it’s different for every person. im going over to dana’s later today so i’ll probably do my best to talk about my views on christianity and faith and all that jazz then with them. im both excited and nervous. im nervous bc it’ll be a lot of weight to carry and i dont want to mess up the gospel but im also excited to be able to openly share who God is in my life and my passion for Him and just to have the chance and opportunity to share the gospel with my friends, people whom i care very deeply about. and i think this is one of the greatest that i can offer someone. so im so excited for that. and maybe it wont work out and maybe i’ll just have to keep trying but, im just so honored and blessed to have been given this opportunity to share at all.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

honestly, today was a really good day.

i just wish i brought my camera to capture all the moments.

i woke up this morning with more than enough time to get ready. but, i was feeling kind of lazy and was tempted to just skip out on church cause why not. but i decided to go anyway.

before service is always kind of awkward bc i feel like people are already in their own groups and im just an outsider but surprisingly, i didn’t feel that today. with anyone. i felt totally fine saying, “hello!” or just speaking to anyone like a casual friend. and having that fear gone was honestly so refreshing. i played with Jed and he enjoyed my company and Hannah Ahn gave me my Pill-o-Pal from Lois! I was kinda disappointed bc idk if i’ll have enough room to pack it but...we’ll see i guess! maybe i’ll stuff it in my backpack along with my ukulele. 

anyway, i went to sit for service and although i was alone and did feel a little bad at first, judy soon came to sit next to me and i was really glad that she did. a part of me still wondered if she only did so out of pity but i later realized that she genuinely does enjoy my company and for that, i am beyond grateful. p. billy gave an AMAZING sermon once more and hit us with a truth spell. honestly, it was a little boring at first bc it felt more like a lecture but once he got passionate, MAN, he was on a roll. I think learning about the importance and value of community has really given me a heart to invest into Lakeview. I previously wrote about how I felt that God wanted me to begin a spiritual movement within Lakeview and that was just solidified even more so today. I was reluctant at first bc the task seemed so daunting and I knew that Lakeview was my Nehemiah but man, being home and just freely praising the Lord was so refreshing... and I really loved that honesty and genuineness. during our last bit of worship, i decided to get down on my knees, a task to which i’ve been self conscious about performing for a while. but i did it. and i loved it. bc it really was just about God and me and not about how anyone else saw or perceived me. i was having my time with Him and that’s all that mattered and it was really nice. and I really want to be able to freely do this once I go back to Lakeview too. Even when the lights are on and I’m in a pew, I want to be able to freely get down on my knees and pray because it feels right to me. And if someone judges me, who cares! Maybe they secretly want to do the same but are too nervous. If so, I want to influence them through my love and passion for you, Lord. Please, use me. Let your will be done. Not caring about how others perceived me today....it was the happiest I had ever been in a long while. After service ended too, people were genuinely happy to see me and I felt the same to them. I danced with Grace An, I expressed my joy when I saw Sarah Chong and all my conversations... just felt into place. And I felt even better when Grace An decided to switch seats and come next to me after the meet and greet.

After service we went out to a class outing and although I didn’t stay for long, I still had a really blessed experience. Just hearing about Lily’s mission trip to Thailand and Grace An’s recount of staffing at the eHigh retreat were really great to hear. I’m honestly so happy to hear that they’ve grown and learned so much.

I think a big reason why today went so well is because I really wanted to know and understand other people. It wasn’t about me at all. All my attention was on them. I didn’t ask Lily out of expectation or obligation. I asked because I really wanted to know.

Finally, I met up with Alexis after service and although I was late, I discovered that he was late too. And I think just being on that joyous high rolled over into our hangout. I did feel nervous and rushed at times but overall, we had a really great time just talking and catching up for hours and hours. I especially felt good when he told me that no one liked PAL anymore but how Lauren Gullion stood up for me and said that the only reason it exists is because I made it a thing. In this context, it sounds like I started the complaining but how Alexis explained made it seem like she called the PALs complaining out on it and gave me credit for creating it in the first place. And to that, I felt honored and touched because my legacy lived on. I know Hazel still remembers me and I know Mya and Nawal still love me but ahh, man. I’m just glad that I am remembered at all. For what I did and the work that I put into it. I know I could’ve done a lot better and invested more into PAL than I did. I do remember feeling salty toward Esmer bc she was totally trying to overstep me but honestly, she wasn’t always wrong. We did need more events and Mr. Garrett wasn’t making that happen. We had to take matters into our own hands. I was stretched pretty thin in between different clubs, yearbook, church, and my job but, as President, I do think I could’ve done more. I really didn’t want it to just be a title. I was willing to put in the work and effort. I can’t change the past but I can do better in the future and at least pass some advice onto the next President and keep him/her in check. Check ya self before ya wreck ya self.