#im so fucking tired of throwing up and feeling nauseous all the goddamned time

[beekneebabey]

Godddd I just need everything to stop for a second

[mumbledaze]

I’m manic

I don’t want this to happen anymore. I’m On new meds and I’m nauseous or puking all day yet if I stop I have flu like symptoms. So I’m not eating and drinking and sleeping and smoking so fucking much. I want to scream and yell and run around and absolutely just outwardly explode. I want self destructiveness. But I’m supposed to be a responsible adult right? I’m supposed to seek help when I experience this right? Yet I cannot let people see this because the entirety of what I’m feeling is scary. Im shaky and so fucking hungry. I’m starving myself but I don’t know why. God I’m tired and so anxious with people around me. I’m scared to be touched and I’m scared to be seen. I just want to sleep. I just want to hide and push this away but a part me just wants this to roll over me and just stop trying so fucking hard all of the time to be the best. I can’t achieve that and it’s killing me to go through this. I don’t want to be bipolar. I thought about it a few years before the diagnosis but then I had people tell me they thought so too. I ruined my adolescence destroying myself at every turn and I wish things would have been different. Addiction beat the shit out of me and left me with heavy trauma and such a fucking fear and a reason to truly hate myself. I worked hard to be sober for a year and a half but yet it’s only a year and a half. I can’t keep up with my age group. Brandon did a lot of confidence damage. I know my feelings are long gone already about it, honestly, since I saw him MAYBE twice a month. He made me feel so fucking small. And it just reminded me of peter. My trauma catches up with me a lot. This whole fucking blog is to get this goddamn SHIT out of me. I want to crawl out my skin constantly and just run. Just run without having to think about money or responsibilities or making anyone else happy. Just making sure I’m happy. I hate perfectionism. I hate it I fucking hate how it’s such a large part of me that I feel like it’s digging at me under my skin and peeling through me. Deep breaths. Deep breaths can solve this right? Right?? Some fucking essential oils? Some fucking walks? Maybe an ice cream? I can’t fucking eat! I need control over myself in some form and I’m latching on to one that I know I shouldn’t. I’m latching on to my first instinct and my most comfortable one. I fell flat on my ass into this shit and I’m not quite sure what to do this time. Delete the saved thinspo? Don’t have any. Don’t look at it anymore. Have food in the house? Already do! Plenty! Stop throwing up? Haven’t on purpose! Throw away the measuring tapes and the scale? Don’t have them! Stop exercising? Can’tfucking have the energy to! I cannot take care of myself right now and it is the most terrifying thing to acknowledge! I need to take some time to get my shit in order! But here’s the thing! I cannot! I have work! And rent! And pets! And a roommate who works a lot so I do a lot of the house stuff! I have friends to socialize with! I am absolutely terrified! Mental health issues is fucking terrifying! I’ll be okay right? I’m always okay eventually. Im resilient as I’ve been told! Maybe I need to try harder! But I’m giving it all I’ve got! And it’s not enough! I’m so fucking burnt out and mentally drained but my mind is going at 10000000 miles an hour. God I just want this to fucking change. I want it gone. I want nothing to do with bipolar and nothing to do with all of this bullshit. I can never fully function and meds are a goddamn personal hell. I go to therapy every week. I TALK. I listen. I try. I try so hard and I’m so fucking tired. I’m so goddamn miserable. I need something to fix this but nothing can right now. And I just cannot ever think about going back to hard shit. Ever. That shattered me. I want to feel loved right now. Despite what’s going on with me. And I’m not even talking about a romantic relationship. I’m talking about feeling worthy and deserving of food and sleep and opinions and interests. I want to feel no need to be worthy or to fight for someone to listen. Just listen to what I say. I want to feel

Like I deserve to be alive and happy. I want to feel like I can be deserving of basic human love. I want to matter. I want to feel like I matter. That I am wanted to exist. By anyone. I know my friends tell me all that but do they mean it? My head tells me absolutely not but god does my heart want to believe it. I want to soften these feelings right now. Not stop or numb them, but soften them. I want clarity. I want to see past the haziness of my thoughts and the self hatred. I need to change something but I don’t know what. I’ve change lots. I got my degree. I got out of a broken relationship. A toxic friendship of years. I got an appointment with just one roommate! I got an office job and got steady hours even though they have a max of hours for me. I’m a year and a half sober! I’m cleaning like mad! I do so much at work! I’m so stressed! This is so long of a rant! But here’s my plan! 1) eat sour gummy worms and peach rings. 2) drink something. 3) get stoned. 4) take off makeup and get in some comfy clothes. 5) go to bed about 11 and wash my face before and meditate. 6) drink some tea and maybe tarot reading? Fall asleep watching adventure time. 7) make tomorrow full of reading and a full 3 meals and no extra cleaning. 8)Take a day to myself. 9)Meditate and do some deep breathing. 10) maybe call A friend and talk about it