#im so fucking tired i dont have money to invest in figuring out whats wrong with this let alone spare pieces

[the-kipsabian]

OKAY FUCK IT no more gifs then my computer is still a piece of shit and now im in a bad mood cause i cant do anything about this shit im gonna go have a good cry now instead LMAO

[blackribbonofficialheadcanons]

Spite list: vent

Get that fucking dumbass credit card so you can leave this painful state. Bonus points if it gets uncle to shut up about it.

Get the pointless excuse slip from the doctor so you can stay in Commons (stomach+migraine) cause fuck that supervisor he can shove a whole dick up his ass.

Neuropsychologist to figure out what the fuck is wrong!

If ADHD get med to help focus? So you can get the fuck out of here and live your own goddamn life and stop feeling like you have to do what other people tell you to do.

Just get the fuck out of here.

Work for yourself! This "because I told you so" shit is really starting to piss me off and I cant continue my life like this.

I think the suicidal thoughts are coming back

I don't want them back

Sometimes i think it would be easier if i didn't exist

Why isn't that a socially acceptable option?

I don't HAVE to be here

There's nothing going wrong in my life. So why do i not want to be here? Why am i not happy?

Why do i always break from the monotony and function of "that's just how this world works"? Especially when i know it doesn't have to work like this. But it only does to spite me and people like me without concern or malice. (Which might be worse) at least if the world outright hated me then my frustration would be supported and understood.

Study up on what car you want next i guess.

Would it be worth getting that tattoo?

Do i waste my money?

I literally save most my paycheck and uncle invests a chunk. I dont spend a lot.

I waste my money.

I think i waste my time too.

Im so tired.

I sleep too much.

I don't do enough.

I make all these lists and i don't do anything on them.

I don't allow myself to be mean. Its too much trouble and only makes things worse.

Why cant I just cuss someone out just a little sometimes?

Why cant i just cry?

Im not okay sometimes

I dont think i remember that im not okay sometimes

Ill forget this tomorrow

Not "forget" but it'll be fuzzy. A statement of fact rather than a memory.

I know people love me.

I dont miss people when they're gone.

I dont fear being alone.

I fear people getting mad at me and stop loving me if they realize I don't need them.

Will they think Im heartless?

Im not.

I don't like talking

People don't like that.

I won't remember you.

People don't like that either

I'll move on and leave you behind as a pleasant phantom in my memory that ill never be able to place

I think that's fine. Preferable actually.

That thought hurts others.

Why do so many fear being forgotten and left behind?

Isn't being forgotten preferable?

I used to be motivated by spite. Now even that isn't enough

I feel like im doing something wrong. I dont know what.

Im so lucky to have my family

Im lucky to live like i do

Im lucky to not have to worry about bills and rent and resources

Im lucky i got out at all

Im lucky it wasnt as bad as it could've been

But i didnt do any of that

It was handed and given to me

Did i earn any of what i have?

I didnt earn my first car

...........

How do you earn love?

How do you earn care?

They say i worked hard for what i have.... Did I?

The easiest job ive ever had has paid the most. I like my job. I was originally told not to apply this time around.

College was the hardest and most costly. I hated it. I was pressured into it.

Should i just do what makes me happy at the risk of disappointing loved ones? Or the risk of failing horribly and burdening them with my failure and need of help?

So im passively suicidal again today. So i got something to eat and drank some water. Didnt realize it had been so long since i did either of those. I'm feeling extremely disillusioned with people and reality right now.

I cant believe some dumb bitch thought having a baby would save her marriage and now not only did she still break up now shes dead and I legally cant check out of an existence I never asked for. Like why am I forced to live in a world I was brought into against my will? I can quit a job, relationship, school, anything else at any moment in time. But I'm not allowed to quit life. That's bullshit.

Im sick of being nice all the time. Im sick of having to be the bigger person all the time. Im sick of being kind and patient until I snap and suddenly Im overreacting. And when i try to talk about the problem before i snap its always brushed off because i apparently don't act "distressed" enough.

[your-heydaydreamer-blog]

Last sunday I listen to the word of God and here's what is says:

This made me remember my downfall 4 years ago

Way back 2016 I was eagerly praying for my one great goal: to pass my Board Exam.

Before praying for my board exam I was praying to God to help me graduate. As i said I have my fair share of life dilemmas. I'm not born rich, I sent my self to college thru scholarship. One failed subject and you have to kiss your bachelors degree goodbye. So i study hard pray hard and party harder whenever I ace a semester. And my prayer works. I graduated on time with no failed subject. That gave me a sense of confidence that I will ace that Board Exam just as how i did with my Bachelors Degree.

So i focused on my review and saved money to send myself into what they call a prestigous review school. I spent 6 sleepless months studying each and every topic. My plans are clear in my mind. I will pass this board exam then work into one of the top firms in the industry earn money buy my family a house give myself a car and establish a business. In short after this exam i will make myself a strong independent and successfull lady.

That was my plan. Unfortunately that wasn't God's. I flunked the exam. You read it right ladies and gentlemen. When the results are out I saw my friends names on the list. But my name is nowhere to be found. I was shocked. I can't believe it. This can't be happening i told myself. I tried to refresh the page several times hoping that maybe they are still updating the list of passers. But no. The list arr finalized. I didn't pass the board exam. Now let me show you the stages that people like me has to go through in times like this:

1. Denial:

You try to calm yourself thinking there might be a mistake. Telling yourself that this ain't reality and that this too shall pass

2. Grief:

You finally realize that you're a fucking loser so you cry your self to sleep and cry again the moment you wake up. It's a cycle. A never ending cycle until you finally save yourself from the pit of your grief

3. Self Pity

You distance yourself from your winning friends. You start to question your ability. What have you missed? What is it with them that is not in you that you failed? You start telling yourself that this is it. You can never go farther than this. This is all you got.

4. Acceptance.

Finally after all the "this can't be happening" thing, all the nights spent mourning for the shattered dreams and all the self blame you get to the point where you just have to accept that shit happens. You have to move on and continue to live.

For 4 years after that life changing failure i was lost. I am barely living. I am just existing and breathing and consuming oxygen that could have been consumed by a human being living their life with a purpose. Im living a life with no direction and destination.

After that unanswered prayer i ran away from God. I questioned Him. Why did he let me fail? Did he got tired of me? With just one unanswered prayer i forgot all those unprayed answer. I think that my old self feel so entitled that when her prayer got rejected he shows off an attitude as if the Lord owes Him an answered prayer.

Don't get me wrong. I tried several times to ran back. Ran back to Him. But I'm confused i keep on asking. I know He has better plans for me but what's that better plan? What kind of plan is that that it took so long for me to see. My friends are successful in their endeavors. They have awesome jobs with great salary package and benefits. They got promoted. They were able to buy a house some them already have cars and some got married. And me? Im here rotting. This makes me question Him again. What is it that your making me wait? Have you forgotten about me since im a loser? A failure? Somethimes i would ask, what is it that your trying to show me and teach me through this waiting game? Im getting tired. The Lord knows about that. I never told anyone my frustrations but whenever a friend posted their achievements online i tend to ask myself what happens to me? I used to do good in college. What happen? Am i a total loser now? Due to frustration i deactivated my social media accounts and shuts the world behind me.

This goes on and on. I change from one employer to another. Changing work as if im changing clothes. Until I finally landed a job into this international company. I dont really care if i got hired or what. I dont really care anymore about anything this past few years. As long as im earning im good with it.

And another storm came into me when i lose my father year 2019. And this really paralyzed me. But life goes on. So am i. The only reason i work hard is to support my fathers meds. Since i cannot live up my promise to pass the board exam, suppprting his maintenace meds is the least thing that i can do. But after he's death whats there to live for? I can stop working and let myself die out of hunger since its only me then. I lose the only reason and the only purpose i was living. Whatever that is left of me after that heartbreaking failure was buried with my father in his grave.

I was doomed. But i can't end my life. I just can't. My father will be surprised if we see each other in the afterlife that soon. I wake up in the morning, prep myself, stuff myself againts the morning rush, bury myself to work, punch out, brave the traffic, reach for my bed, close my eyes sleep and repeat that cycle all over.

Until i stumble accross this preach in the middle of a pandemic:

Year 2020 i was not hoping for anything for this year. Good or bad i will face it. I have to face it since i have no other choice. But here's a plot twist. This is the year i ticked one of my goals in life: life insurance for my mother. Its no big deal for everyone. But im not the type of person who would jump into investment quickly especially with life insurance with 10 years of paying commitment. After life insurance i found myself signing an agreement purchasing a house. Not a big house but a house whose equity fit my budget. Then goes stock market. Part of my salary goes to stock market. All of this happening in 2020. And when i look back i finally realize so this is it?

Is this why God kept me waiting? So all those years that im complaining God was planning something Big for me. Maybe God was telling me that my time will come i was just too busy to notice that. God break me and shattered me into pieces. Takes away my dream, call back in heaven those that are dearest to me. He did that on a purpose. He did that because he has a plan. Im still confused and still can't figure out why now why only now. My father would be happy seing me tick off my bucket list. I hope He's seeing me from up above and i hope He and Nanay are proud of me. From this i know that next time im having a hard time understanding events around me i will lift it up to the Almigthy and let Him

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i feel neutrally tired about all of this. you know, i’m not angry or sad or stressed, i’m just kind of tired of this whole routine. it’s become glaringly obvious that this man is very very spoiled and ungrateful. 

yesterday was a fine day. he took me to the farm to get a pumpkin like i asked. he bought me food and was overall really nice and in a good mood - he was focused on pei and the things he would do or need for his trip. i felt comfortable and relaxed despite not even having weed and not having much sleep. 

this morning when we woke up, we had sex and i went about my morning - made a tea, had a smoke and he had a shower. he asked his mother for the survey plans for their cottage in pei so he knew what to prepare for when he wanted to build this garage (the whole 6 month master plan’s goal). she said she would have to look. this set off a chain reaction - he went to look for a crock pot the family owned but he had never used ad couldnt find it immediately, when his mother offered cookig advice he freaked out ad then when she asked him about a few set of chores he was supposed to do, he freaked out again.

at this point i had literally spoken no words from when we had sex. i was just passively floatig throughout the house, gathering my things just to be organized. i went to look at what he was actually making and he said something like “i’m going to drive you home after this i want to do my own thing and i dont want to be around you”. to be fair, he couldve said “people” - i’m ot entirely sure what i heard but it more likely sounded like you. i simply turned around, got my bag from downstairs, got my stuff from outside and walked home. i did not even reply or say goodbye - theres not even a point. like i would get either some argument about how he said he would drive me home or a grunt goodbye; both still equally rude replies. 

but i was kind of proud of how i reacted very immediately and without hesistation. i didt think like ~what would he want or ~whats appropriate to do. i just did what i wanted to do which was leave. it wasnt like oh i think id like to sped the day alone, do you wat a ride home - it was just ‘fuck off’ without being ‘fuck off’. and i don’t deserve that. 

on top of this, during sex he asked outright if anyone else has touched me. not like ~oh no one else ca touch you or ~would you let anyone touch you - just outright ‘have you let anyone’ and its not a light thing. its not joking. if i said yes it would hurt and we’d probably stop. but the parameters he stil puts forth is that he “cant” cheat. but what about me? and why am i used like this? i literally spoke _no words_. 

its very unhealthy. and i dont believe its about me. i’m glad ive come so far in personal relationships that i am able to seperate myself from them and not take things personally.and like i do feel “used” but its not like this is the absolute worst part of it. he said to me, “you havent been around long enough - this is what i do, im excited about something until im not and then i drop everything and go to the next thing” -- as if i havet been witnessing this the entire time weve been together. its all one exciting thing to the next and nothig is ever what its hoped to be. 

and hes very negative. which i guess is a bit ironic coming from me. but everything - everything sucks. and like to its greatest pit of whatever terrible thing it could have. you know - “king of the losers”. acknowledging that “i’m” okay but its really just being on top of a pile of shit. 

its just.. its getting too hard to remain optimistic about a future with him. whatever my life is doesnt affect him nearly as much as his does me. my whole life is built around being available to him and i was okay with this becuse it was like “investing” in a future i wanted to have. or i do want to have. i want a partner. some “family”. but i just dont feel optimistic like this is going to lead to idyllic happiness. not the way he sees it. and why should i spend my time following such a volatile perso who is unable to commit to anything. i guess it was easy to walk away because i thought like - what if i was across the country? what if i coulnt just walk away from this rude person and i was _stuck_? i dont want that and i guess if i dont want that, i dont want him. i’m just... too scared to live with him. like i want to live with him. i reall really do but everything in my being says omg no. no no no no. anyone i told that this was a thing would tell me absolutely do not move across the country with this person. its not like.. dont change. dont live somewhere else. its that this particular person is very ... not the right person to do this with. maybe i need to be a ifferent person too. maybe i need to be a very strong indpendent individual who works super hard and hustles lots of cash an then its all just fun and games and wooo life. but i cannot be dependent on this person. they are not dependable in any way shape or form. they are a fucking prayer. and in order for me to make such huge changes in life i would be very dependent on this person. especially right now. maybe in two years ill be a better version of me but the me right now would need a lot of hand holding an encouragement to make such drastic life changes and decisions. 

if it was plausible to just get a nice apartment in this city together - great. thank you. not even long term, lets just exist with each other before making giant life decisions. thats a marriage. with no commitment. i cant. i just cant. 

and you know - i’m very sympathetic. i know exactly what it feels like. to have no fucking clue what you want, where to go, what to do, who to be friends with, who to have a relationship with - i get it. i’m really confused too. and this is such a shitty time - i dont know if other times have been more shitty but this seems like a pretty shitty time after society going through so many wars in the past 100 years that have grown more powerful under the advancements and like we, collectively, are different people from 50 years ago so what was “right” and “good” 50 years ago is not relevant to today and we are floating without guidance. how do we survive now? weve evolved to a different mental state and we dont know how to nourish this. its like falling into great advancements with no mental capacity to understand their affect on the social psyche. 

theyre right.  the colective “they” - your parents have little to do with your chances. their social standing and coping amongst evolution to bring them to such standing has a lot more to do with your chances but if along the line you figure out your way of coping in evolution then you may rise above or find your own level of “happiness” which is mostly fulfilling basic personal needs. but when evolution continually transitions through different ways to fulfill these basic needs or possibly gives you even more ways to do this, it becomes more difficult to realize how you will find your way to cope in evolution. milennials are realy seen as weak and a joke; like re-branded hippies but focused on mental health and emotions, “refusing” employment to ‘feel better’ in life when there was a time when people just took any job because the only way to cope within that evolution was to exhance your service for money or boarding itself. thats not the case anymore. society evolved in such a way that this generation is capable of fulfilling may basic personal needs sometimes by just existing; perhaps their parents pay for food and shelter and provide them with clothing well into their “adult” years. many older generations started working to SURVIVE at 12 - 14 years old. our generation worked because “thats what you do” or to save up for an iphone. most of our grandparents worked to buy bottles of milk or to help the family or for their own vehicle but why save for one when your parents let you drive theirs anyways?

and again - it’s not the parents fault. it’s now easy in society for parents to do this. a large majority of parents, nd the majority leads the collective society. could my parents? no. but a lot of people around me did have parents that did this and my parents cared for me in other ways. society allowed them to breed children who would become introspective because they were no longer in such dire straits for survival. and older generations are upset about this - dont you know they had to want to die regularly to survive? why shouldt we? 

so as we gain this introspective into ourselves and “new” psychological ideas come up and vast people are “diagnosed”, it becomes harder to accept things which harm our psyche. so we get a big rise in racial inequality and gay rights and things which seem “liberal” but is simply termed this way because some people - maybe a large amount even, could not refuse employment and worked to survive even in this era. that was the generational hand down - exchange your service for money or starve. and theyre not “in the wrong”. other things affect how you build your coping tools - where you live, the climate of politics etc. maybe you realy just had to do that and there wasnt time to invest in this modern evolution of introspection. you dont have time to look within when youre starving on the outside. so this resentmet and bitterness builds between these two sides which may even exist in the same generation but neither of them is wrong. should one work to survive? probably. animals hunt most of their lives. we should probably work to survive. no one can just be handed food ad shelter forever unless you’re a very unique and special person in royalty. and 99.9% of us are not. but should we also kill our psyche? animals dont deal with smart phones and insurance rates and credit scores and bankruptcy. they just go out and take what they want and our society has evolved past this. so we cannot just assume you just work to survive when survival has been complicated. it takes a higher level of thinking which wemay not fully even comprehend at this stage in the evolution. 

i think psychology is very important because we dont understand why people are people. we dont know. we know why the sky is blue but we dont know why we are people. and not just psychology but science and the belief of how our being, our physical being on this planet came to be. we collectively have not agreed despite the very obvious misgivings of current theological theories. 

how or in what way should you survive on this planet? why are we required to exist as we are in this society upon birth. like all of these rules and obligations an responsibilities of being a “good human” are placed on you for the rest of your life and all you did was be born. all you want are basic needs fulfilled but you cant even do that until you acknowledge the land you were popped out on to does not belong to you so you abide by these rules now whether you want to or not. and thats just government and law but on this deeper spectrum its an obligation to be a ‘good child’ a ‘good citizen’ - pay your taxes, go to work, have children, buy a house; these are the quest objectives. but why? i think our generation is not the first to ask why but the first in a very long long time to ask why are we doing it this way. not so much why are we here. many of us have decided for ourselves. but why are we livingin society in this particular way and what can we do to survive in a society which is not designed to really benefit anyone. its not about that homeless man geting up and feeding himself, its about taking responsibility to feed that person. animals do a better job at this and we feel we’re in evolved thinking. 

society has become very convoluted and confused which has bred confusion in its most recent generation. ive lived a very unique life and yet feel the same way abou these things as my peers because the “temperature” of the environment is the same. its hot, we all know its hot an we’re trying to figure out ways to deal whether its running through a sprinkler, going to a public pool or looking ridiculous in a kiddie pool on your front lawn. it’s gross, it’s not a good time, no one wants to do anything and we’re not feeling it. and this evolution is like climate change. there is absolutely still people capable of coping under this stress, farmers still work, lumberjack still cut wood but theyre fucking miserable and they do it because theyre used to feeling like they want to die to survive. but its getting hotter and its getting harder and even though they feel it the only thing they know is to keep working until they cant anymore then die crippled and miserable. being popped out inexperienced and then thrown into a change which even the experienced are struggling with creates a lot of unrest. a lot of anxious and depressed people. 

what do we do? what should we do? you cant change society you can only follow the ebb and flow like flock of birds or schools of fish. this is how we cope as humans, to live as a society. and if society is in upheaval it directly affects the ability to easily obtain our basic needs. 

i used to feel envious of stupid people. like atleast they didnt ~know this shit. because this felt depressing. like being stupi would be easier and id be happier but those who choose to remain ignorant or passive hurt a lot and they struggle through some of the barest traps society has created durig this shitty time and now i feel sorry for them. spinning your wheels over and over, dragging yourself through the mud, throwing away money, living extravagantly and ignorantly but going absolutely no where. not going up, down, side ways - no where. i’m there too. i’m right there too on the train stopped at the station waiting to fucking go and we’re here nd we’re buying shit from the dining car and we’re chatting and excited but we’re not goig and we’re not really sure why and we’re all talking about why we’re not going but we’re still not going but hey atleast hey still got cookies. 

no one person is driving the train either. its like a group effort where everyone on the train has to believe youre moving forward for it to start but if one jack ass thinks youre not, then its a complete halt. 

life is hard but i dont think alot of people realize exactly how hard it is. im trying to learn to appreciate the little things. people with greater minds who had better understanding and less luxuries of the era coped with appreciating little things. taking bike rides in the fall in the nice downtown streets; it’s been a highlight of the season. painting in a studio this week; sure it was not glamorous or anything but i actively went out and created art with others. my room is neat and clean and organized. i did laundry with ease on my own time for free. 

i wasnt upset i “had to” walk home. i apreciated the fall weather & buzz of halloween approaching, time to think without screens of distraction, exersize and activity, the ability to buy cat food & cat litter. im not angry about it. i’m tired of being angry about a train im not really driving. if i can never truly conceptualize what i want because of society why keep trying. why cry over spilled milk. 

[healthimind]

God, I feel like the only time I ever write in my life is when the shit hits the fan. In part, I believe its because I use writing as a way to express how I’m feeling, it helps me to put all my negative emotions into something and vent without having to necessarily feel bad that I have just word vomited all my feelings and thoughts onto someone. Writing has always been my way of dealing and coping with the things going on around me. Whether that’s related to family, friends, a breakup, my personal struggles - I can’t say I have a great way with words...but that’s not what my writing is about, nor is that why I write. It’s generally quite simple and straight to the point. 

Its about freeing space in my head and knowing that I’ve put all that’s inside in a safe place on a page, or screen. 

But i’ve also realised that i’d like to write about the good things and the positive. I would like to remember the things I did, and more than that I want to remember what I thought in those particular moments, how I felt. I don’t think i do enough of that. As a matter of fact, I know I don’t do enough of that because if I was to scroll through any of the numerous posts I have made throughout my presence here - they would undoubtedly all be about negative emotions. 

But, like I said before - I vent when i write. i write everything I cannot say to anyone. Not because I’m afraid of any judgement that might be passed my way. No. I believe its primarily because I don’t want to pass on MY negativity onto other people. It’s my, personal, negativity and they have nothing to do with it. Nor are they the responsible ones to listen to me vent every so often. And that’s why I love writing. It’s not about seeking advice about a particular problem - what I reach that point, im more than happy to talk to people and brainstorm the possible solutions. But that’s not where I am at the moment. 

I’ve felt this distance from family. From mum and dad. I feel like no matter what they do I get frustrated and irritated. I think a large part of the way I feel about them comes form the shit that they have going on between them. I’m seeing the neverending loop that they’ve created for themselves where they are unhappy, they argue, its a matter of a millisecond when a conversation can go from being perfectly normal (normal is a relative term in my family), but lets say being calm to being a volcanic eruption.  Seriously, I often wonder how I never learned to adapt to this over the years? How have I not found a better way of dealing with their shit? How am I still so affected by their arguments, mood swings, mine-fucking-fields? 

And yet everytime I write about things like this, I don’t seem to be any closer to figuring it out. Maybe i’m doing something wrong? Maybe I need to change the way I write and the way I explore this head and heart of mine. 

I know one thing - I bite my nails out of frustration. I’ve realised that much. and it also only stems from them. I don’t want to blame them for my habit that I can break, but relapse every time things get too overwheling. There is nothing about biting my nails that is soothing of calming; if anything, its even more frustraing because half way through doing the behaviour I realise that I’m doing it and that half of my nail of eaten off and well that just perpetuates the cycle of frustration. 

And I feel like in this writing I have covered five different topics, neither one particularly related or relevant to the other - but that’s OK. At least i’m getting things off my chest - and I will, hopefully, be able to leave it all here, go to bed and start tomorrow fresh. 

I don’t want to let these feeligns govern my days and cloud how i’m feeling. And the thing is - that is exactly what they’re doing. And it’s in part becasue when I come home from work - I am in exactly the same environment as I was when I left - nothing has changed. And its not that nothing has changed from yesterday to today - its that nothing has changed for years. I’m also struggling to grasp how people live like that. I often think about this and I only ever hope to have the courage and strength to leave and get out of any situation that is making me this misrable. And it is, it’s making them both incredibly misrable. Neither one is happy with the current situation. Neither one wants to be in this relationship and yet neither one of them is doing anything about it. And i’m not advocating for divorce, separation or anything drastic like that - but doing something, anything - trying to make things better. Nope. I don’t know how they expect to see a difference in their relationsihp when NOTHING is changin. NOTHING. NOT. ONE. THING. and I know this because I’ve been the witness of their relationship for the past...27 years. Ok maybe give it the last 15 that I can say counts and I can (not fondly) remember. 

I think i’m also tired of going around in circles. Having the same discussions, talks, plans. Yes, lets discuss the trees you want to plant in the garden (the 5 lemons, 3 lime, 4 mandarin trees, 2-3 figs, peaches etc). Oh but no, lets not do anything about this for months - just talk about it. and confirm after every conversation that those are the plants you want to get. Lets confirm, for the 100th time the place where you would like to plant those trees. And then lets not do anything about them. They are YOUR plants. It is YOUR project. Am I the only one here that thinks its OK to have your own projects that the whole family doesn’t need to be a part of? Like, its OK that you want to plant those trees - go and do your research, buy them, plant them, water them...do what ever you want with them, but just DO SOMETHING. 

Same thing with buying a phone. For the love of God, I cannot have another discussion about that. Its like he doesn’t want to buy a phone...and he prides himself if having the money to buy the phone but not doing it. And I dont get it. WHAT AM I MISSING??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! And how do I know he doesn’t want to buy a phone? because everything he does suggests so. He says he wants to buy a phone - asks me to do the research behind it and then, changes the battery to a new one becuase his one is like every other iphone battery - crap. The lock button stops working as does the headphone jack and what does he do? he spends $100 to fix it all. Now its not about the money and spending $130 to fix the little bits to make the phone (which he has memory and internet issues with) last longer. I dont get it. It’s not like he bought a brand new phone a month ago and now iphon 8 has come out and he wants it. No, he has the iphone 4s....and its giving in, one piece of hardware at a time. So, then there we are again - talking about him getting the new phone, but then not really beacuse he’s just spent $100 fixing this one and he doesn’t want to be one of the first ones to have the new phone...because, god knows why. Don’t worry - you wont be. There are about 342974023 other people in the world who have pre-ordered them. But then I think i’m being an absolute asshole who instead of appreaciating this quality and seeing it in a positive way - is putting a negative spin on it and looking at it through the negative lense. Why? Is it because I feel like my time is wasted having talked about the same thing, AGAIN, or is it because I’m sick of my parents not being able to make a decision and stick to it. You’re buying a phone - just make up your mind and do it. The world is not going to fall if you make and execute a decision. Trust me. I feel bored and frustrated having to have these same disussions. The same goes for renovating the kitched...painting the interior of the house - i cannot count the number of times we’ve talked about doing this - at least 20...and yet - absolutely nothing is being done. NOTHING. We havent even moved a milimeter. No dad, bringing home a prospectus of some company X that will charge an arm and a leg and then asking me to go onto their website to have a look at everything - no, thant is not making progress. That is you superficially finding something and then delegating and passing on the task to me. To do all the time-wasting research which wont result in anything other than - it’s too expensive. Should we invest in this kitchen - are we even going to stay here? Are we selling the house? What are we doing with our lives? Aaagh. and we are back to square one. But no, you can do that research too. You are more than competent to research your news paper online - you can google this. Ooooh but no, the language is a barrier, not knowing how to use the app, the phone, the ipad. You know what, that’s another thing that gets on my nerves. This constant need to be shown how to do thigs on the iphone, ipad. CMON people! These devices were designed for idiots! Kids under the age of 5 use them!!! KIDS. Yeah, the little people that cant count to 20. They use them with ease. So why cant you? And the most common response I get is, well just think about all the things we had to teach you and ha ha ha oh look how its all coming back. Yeah, the only difference is that when you were teaching me you had the expectation that I would LEARN and we wouldn’t be going over the same things over and over and over again - 5 years down the line. The only difference is that I learned. I had to. and you, for some reason, dont feel like you have to. And that “some reason” being your dependency on me always being here. Here to fix the phone, here to fix the ipad, here to call vodafone, here to call tower...enough. ENOUGH PLEASE. You’ve used your immigration status as an excuse to not learn anything new, to boycot technology - which is the driving force of the time we live in. Do I love it - no. Do I need it - yes. and that’s where the story end. I need it and therefore I will learn what I need to. You talk about being sick that you have to depend on me, or someone to help you with things. Do you know how you overcome that? BY LEARNING. By WANTING TO KNOW. By being interested. You have to WANT TO be independent, self-reliant in order to be it. and don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean that I am never there to help and i just tell you to google things that you dont know. Absolutely not, but for the love of God, show some initiative. Show me that you’ve tried - that you’ve gone - hey, i’ve done this this and this and its still not working. What am I doing wrong - and then we’ll look at it together. but dont just come to me after hte first hiccup with your hands up in the air holding a white flag. 

Oh and while I am on the topic of doing something after the first hiccup - what is your deal with coming and waking me up in the morning to tell me ridiculously UNIMPORTANT things? No dont wake me up. Respect that i’m sleeping and if what you have to tell me isn’t a matter of life or death - please, realise that it can wait an hour or two while I wake up and then we can talk about it. I dont want to be jumped before having even opened my eyes, with something that is so minor and irrelevant in the bigger scheme of things. How do I put all this nicely? How do I say this in a way that is encompased in love, care, compassion, and understanding? 

I am sick of being told I am harsh and judgemental and unreasonable. I’m that way becuase I can’t handle all the things that are constantly thrown at me. I am sick of seeing what the problem is and knowing that nothing will ever be done about it. How do you not understand that that’s extremly difficult to deal with and handle? How is that such a foreign concept to you? Anyway - I know that I need to be more compassionate and kind - but I struggle to find those feelings and reserves of understanding for you. And that, in general, makes me incredibly sad. To think that I have the capacity to be that for everyone else, but you. Even though I know that those people are the same as you. They are probably running around in their own circles and neverending loops. 

So, lets start here - I WILL BE A BIGGER PERSON, FOR MYSELF. I WILL NOT LET OTHERS DARKEN MY ENERGY AND FREQUNCY. I WILL NOT RESOND BLINDLY TO THE PROVOCATIONS OF OTHERS. THESE WILL ALWAYS BE THERE, AROUND ME. WHAT I WILL DO IS TAKE A COUPLE OF SECONDS TO GROUND MYSELF IN ANY SITUATION. I WILL TAKE DEEP BREATHS AND I WILL THINK BEFORE RESPONDING. I WILL REMEMBER THAT THEIR ENERGY ISN’T MINE AND I DON’T, BY ANY MEANS, NEED TO EMBRACE AND BECOME IT. NO. I HAVE MY OWN ENERGY, I HAVE MY OWN BUBBLE AND I WILL CHOSE WHAT COMES THRUGH. IF I’M IN A SHITTY MOOD - THATS DIFFERENT. IN THAT CASE, I WILL NOT PROJECT IT ONTO THER PEOPLE - BUT I WILL BE ABLE TO SEPRARETE THE TWO AND KNOW THAT I AM THE ONE THAT IS IN THE BAD MOOD - AND THE OTHER PERSON ISN’T RESPONSBILE FOR IT, NOR ARE THEY THE DESIGNATED TARGET OF IT. SO, I WILL STEP BACK - I WILL CONSCIOUSLY BE PRESENT AND AWARE THAT i NEED TO SEPARATE MY MOOD AND APPROACH THEM IN A NEUTRAL WAY. 

WHEN IT COMES TO FAMILY - THIS IS ESPECIALLY IMPORTANT. I NEED TO PRACTICE KINDNESS, APPRECIATION, COMPASSION, AND LOVE. FOR WHAT AND WHO THEY ARE. FOR WHAT THEY DO. I KNOW I FORGET THIS - AND SO I BELIEVE ITS IMPORTANT THAT I REMIND THEM AS WELL AS MYSELF. I NEED TO FIND A WAY TO DO THIS. I KNOW I AM NOT THE BEST WITH WORDS - IN TERMS OF SPEAKING - BUT WRITING, WRITING I CAN DO. SO I WILL NEED TO THINK ABOUT THAT. I ALSO NEED TO REMEMBER THAT EVERYTHING THEY DO - THEY DO OUT OF LOVE. SO WHEN THEY SAY WE DONT SEE YOU  - ITS BECAUSE THEY WANT TO SPEND QUALITY TIME TOGETHER. I WILL FIND TIME TO BE TOGETHER AND MAKE IT COUNT. I WILL NOT BE AN ASSHOLE I NAMCOR TO THEM BECUSE THEY DONT DESERVE IT. I NEED TO KEEP DEVELOPING IN THIS EMOTINOAL INTELLIGENCE SPACE AND WHILE THEY MAY NOT HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE - I DO. AND THAT IS SOMETHING I CAN USE TO BOTH MINE AND THEIR ADVANTAGE. I CAN STEP UP MY GAME AND NOT LET THINGS GET OUT OF HAND. THIS IS SOMETHING I CAN DO AND IF IT CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE I WILL DO IT.